Attitude to former AP?

[Cephalopod]

My wife had at least four confirmed APs that I know of, and about that many more I was never able to confirm?

 

Which one should I pick?

 

At the end of the day I don't hate these guys, because they were essentially faceless drones brought in only to service her pathological need for attention and ego gratification.

 

My exWW is the one I pity. I don't even hate her. What's the point? It would be like hating a vampire bat for sucking blood. Why? It's what she does. It is her nature.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I've heard the opposite of love isn't hate, but rather indifference. Seems hatred for someone is a pretty intense emotion. Why do you think your feelings are so intense so long afterwards? Wasn't your A brief? (I may not recall correctly is why I ask).

 

Seems as time goes by your emotions about it would lessen. At least that's been my experience with negative or positive relationships from the past.

 

I was indifferent in the beginning....becasue i dont think the full realization of what i had done really soaked in. I knew I had done a terrible thing...dont misunderstand...but i had no idea how deep the wound was.

 

I think as i have come to understand the devastation...the pain....that i caused...I have also changed from indifference to hate. YOu see....I think many of us who cheat...think that after a time...it will all just go away. John and I have lived with my betrayal now for 33 years....Longer than many posters here have even been alive. I hope we have another 33 years....and i have no doubt as time continues...so does the pain....

 

I cannot take what i did away....it will forever be there. John and i get to carry this bag of rocks for the rest of our lives....

 

The AP...has no idea what he took ....away from us. Yes it is my fault....i allowed him to do so....

 

I am not ate up with hatred...I do not think about him....I do not care.

 

However...the question was asked by the op...how do you feel about the AP ...and i answered honestly. I hate him. I am not saying everyone does or should....I am saying that is how I feel....whether it is right or wrong...it is truth. I hate him for what he took away from us....for the rest of our lives.

 

I do not sit around and think about him or what he did.....i live my life and never give him a passing thought. But if you ask me what i feel toward him...my answer is hate. feel intense or passionate dislike for (someone).

synonyms:loathe, detest, despise, dislike, abhor, execrate;

 

There are some waywards here who express a fondness toward their AP....and i will admit...I dont understand how you can think fondly of someone who has hurt your family so much....however...that's the way they feel....right or wrong...they are describing their feelings.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think he feels her akin to an ex girlfriend. I'm not comfortable with this but at least he's being honest. I need to decide whether I can live with that.

 

How would you like him to feel about her?

 

Honestly, at 2.5 months in, were my spouse to attempt to paint her AP as the devil incarnate, I'd think she was shifting blame. Every negative attribute a BS wants to apply to the AP also pertains by association to the WS.

 

I've never understood how you forgive one and demonize the other...

 

Mr. Lucky

[understand50]

I was indifferent in the beginning....becasue i dont think the full realization of what i had done really soaked in. I knew I had done a terrible thing...dont misunderstand...but i had no idea how deep the wound was.

 

I think as i have come to understand the devastation...the pain....that i caused...I have also changed from indifference to hate. YOu see....I think many of us who cheat...think that after a time...it will all just go away. John and I have lived with my betrayal now for 33 years....Longer than many posters here have even been alive. I hope we have another 33 years....and i have no doubt as time continues...so does the pain....

 

I cannot take what i did away....it will forever be there. John and i get to carry this bag of rocks for the rest of our lives....

 

The AP...has no idea what he took ....away from us. Yes it is my fault....i allowed him to do so....

 

I am not ate up with hatred...I do not think about him....I do not care.

 

However...the question was asked by the op...how do you feel about the AP ...and i answered honestly. I hate him. I am not saying everyone does or should....I am saying that is how I feel....whether it is right or wrong...it is truth. I hate him for what he took away from us....for the rest of our lives.

 

I do not sit around and think about him or what he did.....i live my life and never give him a passing thought. But if you ask me what i feel toward him...my answer is hate. feel intense or passionate dislike for (someone).

synonyms:loathe, detest, despise, dislike, abhor, execrate;

 

There are some waywards here who express a fondness toward their AP....and i will admit...I dont understand how you can think fondly of someone who has hurt your family so much....however...that's the way they feel....right or wrong...they are describing their feelings.

 

Abigail,

 

I think because in today's society, stating you hate someone is what some here find jarring. Hating someone or something is a really "bad" thing. This is wrong headed as "hate" can be a natural response to life experience. Your response to your AP, is hate, as he was there to take advanage of your weakness at that particular time in your life. Yes you own it, but he has his responsibility as well. I wonder how many marriages and women he has hurt. You have stated that your "hate" has grown over time as you realize the pain and hurt inflected on John and yourself. Again, normal and natural.

 

For the WW that still hold some good feeling or are thankful for the experience of the affair, I think in the long run they do not know true remorse. They hold on to the idea, of what may have been, or a "love" they had and can cherish or maybe they cherish the SEX. This does not help the BS, or them, at all, and just adds to the pain. I think hate can be healthy and necessary in life, as long as it is applied in a positive way. You hate what you did, you hate the person you did it with. You do not dwell on it. You, John and I as well as others, come here to try and let others in the middle of all this, write about just what we know. This knowledge was won out over long years and with pain, hurt, faith and love. There can be no place in your heart for an AP if you want your marriage to go on.

 

As always, I wish you and John luck.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Abigail,

 

I think because in today's society, stating you hate someone is what some here find jarring. Hating someone or something is a really "bad" thing. This is wrong headed as "hate" can be a natural response to life experience. Your response to your AP, is hate, as he was there to take advanage of your weakness at that particular time in your life. Yes you own it, but he has his responsibility as well. I wonder how many marriages and women he has hurt. You have stated that your "hate" has grown over time as you realize the pain and hurt inflected on John and yourself. Again, normal and natural.

 

For the WW that still hold some good feeling or are thankful for the experience of the affair, I think in the long run they do not know true remorse. They hold on to the idea, of what may have been, or a "love" they had and can cherish or maybe they cherish the SEX. This does not help the BS, or them, at all, and just adds to the pain. I think hate can be healthy and necessary in life, as long as it is applied in a positive way. You hate what you did, you hate the person you did it with. You do not dwell on it. You, John and I as well as others, come here to try and let others in the middle of all this, write about just what we know. This knowledge was won out over long years and with pain, hurt, faith and love. There can be no place in your heart for an AP if you want your marriage to go on.

 

As always, I wish you and John luck.

 

perfectly stated...thank you very much.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think hate can be healthy and necessary in life, as long as it is applied in a positive way. You hate what you did, you hate the person you did it with.

 

Then does the WS spend the rest of their life hating themselves? If I choose to R as a BS, that's not the person I'd want to be married to.

 

Most A's occur when a spouse finds his/herself with an unmet need for validation and poor boundaries. The same description easily applies to most AP's. So I think a true recovery avoids the temptation to make one the devil and the other a fallen saint...

 

Mr. Lucky

[understand50]

Then does the WS spend the rest of their life hating themselves? If I choose to R as a BS, that's not the person I'd want to be married to.

 

Most A's occur when a spouse finds his/herself with an unmet need for validation and poor boundaries. The same description easily applies to most AP's. So I think a true recovery avoids the temptation to make one the devil and the other a fallen saint...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Mr Lucky,

 

You did not read what I wrote, I stated you "hate" what you did and who you did it with, not yourself.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Then does the WS spend the rest of their life hating themselves? If I choose to R as a BS, that's not the person I'd want to be married to.

 

Most A's occur when a spouse finds his/herself with an unmet need for validation and poor boundaries. The same description easily applies to most AP's. So I think a true recovery avoids the temptation to make one the devil and the other a fallen saint...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I dont hate myself...but i certainly did. A remorseful wayward has to learn to forgive themselves. However...I will forever hate what i did.

 

and Let me also state this....my AP was an absolute predator....a one time wham bam thank you maam...moving on to the next one devil. He never suffered any consequences from his actions...

 

I have paid for what i did....and so has my innocent husband.

 

Why Am I not allowed to hate him?

[LivingWaterPlease]

I was indifferent in the beginning....becasue i dont think the full realization of what i had done really soaked in. I knew I had done a terrible thing...dont misunderstand...but i had no idea how deep the wound was.

 

I think as i have come to understand the devastation...the pain....that i caused...I have also changed from indifference to hate. YOu see....I think many of us who cheat...think that after a time...it will all just go away. John and I have lived with my betrayal now for 33 years....Longer than many posters here have even been alive. I hope we have another 33 years....and i have no doubt as time continues...so does the pain....

 

I cannot take what i did away....it will forever be there. John and i get to carry this bag of rocks for the rest of our lives....

 

The AP...has no idea what he took ....away from us. Yes it is my fault....i allowed him to do so....

 

I am not ate up with hatred...I do not think about him....I do not care.

 

However...the question was asked by the op...how do you feel about the AP ...and i answered honestly. I hate him. I am not saying everyone does or should....I am saying that is how I feel....whether it is right or wrong...it is truth. I hate him for what he took away from us....for the rest of our lives.

 

I do not sit around and think about him or what he did.....i live my life and never give him a passing thought. But if you ask me what i feel toward him...my answer is hate. feel intense or passionate dislike for (someone).

synonyms:loathe, detest, despise, dislike, abhor, execrate;

 

There are some waywards here who express a fondness toward their AP....and i will admit...I dont understand how you can think fondly of someone who has hurt your family so much....however...that's the way they feel....right or wrong...they are describing their feelings.

 

Thanks for taking the time to explain Mrs. JA. Just trying to understand. We are all unique in so many ways and asking questions helps us understand each other though may sometimes seem accusatory, when it's not meant to be so.

 

I don't see your response to your experience, or your expression of it as right or wrong. Just different than how I view negative experiences/relationships. No better than I, no worse, for sure!

 

I wish for you and John to get past carrying this bag of rocks for the rest of your lives. i can imagine you two must, too!

 

I really appreciate your candor. God bless you, dear lady, and John, too!

[Mrscommited]

I'm over 7 years out and I have no thoughts or feelings toward xAP. He's just another person in the world I used to know and I have no inclination to find out anything about him. At 2.5 months past d-day, I think I was starting to recognize that the A relationship was not some big romance (which is definitely what I thought during it). I was no longer thinking "fond" thoughts of xAP because I was living in the aftermath and destruction of my choices. In my case the A ended a few months before d-day and I had already had some time to start stepping mentally away from xAP. I don't think it's unusual for a WS to still have feelings for an xAP after d-day, but if it's something that continues beyond a few months, and more importantly the WS is still feeding those thoughts, then you have a right to be concerned. It's up to you how long you want to give. GL.

 

 

Thanks. That's helpful. He, like you, says he FELT it wa a big soulmate romance thing at the time but sees it for what it was now. I'm probably splitting hairs as I'm hyper sensitive just now as I decide whether to take him back. I think he was sort of saying that she's not a threat, like his distant girlfriend. He is working with a therapist on honesty. Which is refreshing but can be painful too!

[Mrscommited]

Duh ! If it's like the OW was kinda ex gf, I don't think anyone in your place will be comfortable!

 

How can he be fully committed to you while having lovey feelings for her ?

 

That's not what he was saying to be fair.

[Mrscommited]

Mrs Committed,

 

 

 

Instead of trying to second guess your husband, how about having a full and frank talk with him and find out what he actually does think?

If he has any warm feelings for her at all, I would hold back on any reconciliation.

 

Just my 2 penneth - you must do what feels good for you.

 

Good luck x

 

Thanks Arieswoman. I do ask often and his answers range from hate, to indifference, to "a friend". But he tells me what's I want to hear probably. And I think he's all over the place. Agree I'm not rushing into anything

[Mrscommited]

Thanks Arieswoman. I do ask often and his answers range from hate, to indifference, to "a friend". But he tells me what's I want to hear probably. And I think he's all over the place. Agree I'm not rushing into anything

 

Just to clarify by "a friend" I mean "former friend"!

[Mrscommited]

Answering as a BH though I had this conversation with my WW recently. For her it was not so much that she missed the OMs but she missed the attention she received from them. It was online with no PA so that may have an impact on the duration of her feelings as opposed to what you are experiencing. For her it was about 2-3 months until she was no longer frequently troubled by those feelings. Another factor was that I jumped head first into R (maybe not the best decision depending upon the actual situation) and was striving to do everything that I could to keep her from leaving. With me efforts to be as attentive as possible and meet her needs, it probably reduced her desires for validation and acceptance from outside the marriage.

 

I wish you the best however you decide you need to proceed.

 

Thank you Unforseen. I too jumped straight in the first DDay but there have been two since! We are separated. He has ended the affair and is fighting for the marriage but I'm naturally cautious.

[Mrscommited]

Hate to break it to you, but all love is chemical and electrochemical love. We are the sum of those chemicals, nothing more, nothing less.

 

You already know the answer to all your questions, whether you choose to listen to your own chemical and electrochemical transmissions is on you. Yes, you will have to live in the shadow of their romance. Yes, you are the second choice, the backup plan, etc. It's hard to live with but that's the truth of the whole thing. He was willing to risk it all to be with her and that tells you all you need to know.

 

 

I don't feel I'm his second choice. He ended it with her while we were separated. He chose to risk having no one rather than carry on with her because it was starting to feel awful. Now he's seeking therapy and hoping to convince me to reconcile. He had the opportunity to be with her and didn't take it.

[HereNorThere]

By your own admission, you had 3 freakin d-days. I'm not being abstract or figurative when I say you were second choice, he literally chose her over you time and time again. He chose her over your health and well-being multiple times. He knew you were hurt and continued on his with his fling.

 

That's second choice, literally. At least be honest with yourself. You ready for d-day number 4? Because this is how you end up with d-day number 4. At this point it's not even d-day, just a normal day in the life of being married to a known serial cheater.

[mightycpa]

Think he'd buy it if you offered him your blessing to "go say your final goodbyes and make peace"?

 

Because anyone who takes the time to do that still has some nostalgic feelings at the least for the person he plans to visit.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I was indifferent in the beginning....becasue i dont think the full realization of what i had done really soaked in. I knew I had done a terrible thing...dont misunderstand...but i had no idea how deep the wound was.

 

I think as i have come to understand the devastation...the pain....that i caused...I have also changed from indifference to hate. YOu see....I think many of us who cheat...think that after a time...it will all just go away. John and I have lived with my betrayal now for 33 years....Longer than many posters here have even been alive. I hope we have another 33 years....and i have no doubt as time continues...so does the pain....

 

I cannot take what i did away....it will forever be there. John and i get to carry this bag of rocks for the rest of our lives....

 

The AP...has no idea what he took ....away from us. Yes it is my fault....i allowed him to do so....

 

I am not ate up with hatred...I do not think about him....I do not care.

 

However...the question was asked by the op...how do you feel about the AP ...and i answered honestly. I hate him. I am not saying everyone does or should....I am saying that is how I feel....whether it is right or wrong...it is truth. I hate him for what he took away from us....for the rest of our lives.

 

I do not sit around and think about him or what he did.....i live my life and never give him a passing thought. But if you ask me what i feel toward him...my answer is hate. feel intense or passionate dislike for (someone).

synonyms:loathe, detest, despise, dislike, abhor, execrate;

 

There are some waywards here who express a fondness toward their AP....and i will admit...I dont understand how you can think fondly of someone who has hurt your family so much....however...that's the way they feel....right or wrong...they are describing their feelings.

 

Thanks for answering, Mrs. JA! About five or six hours ago I wrote another more complete response that's being moderated. Not sure when it will be posted. About half my posts now are held up for moderation and not sure what makes the difference in why some are and some aren't.

[Mr. Lucky]

He never suffered any consequences from his actions...

 

I'll respectfully ask - what consequences should your AP have suffered? Of the two, the WS is the one bound by their marriage vows. Both parties are certainly wrong, but how does one come to be forgiven - by self and by BS - and the other becomes the devil, the villain, the bad guy?

 

Why Am I not allowed to hate him?

 

You certainly can. I'm asking if you should...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

Mr Lucky,

 

You did not read what I wrote, I stated you "hate" what you did and who you did it with, not yourself.

 

Sure I read it. Hating what you did is a healthy reaction to cheating.

 

Hating your AP is a common form of blameshifting. If we can convince ourselves we were somehow duped by a bad person, history is revised into a more palatable form.

 

Certainly most OW/M are flawed individuals. At the time of the affair, that makes them a perfect match for most WS's...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mrs. John Adams]

I'll respectfully ask - what consequences should your AP have suffered? Of the two, the WS is the one bound by their marriage vows. Both parties are certainly wrong, but how does one come to be forgiven - by self and by BS - and the other becomes the devil, the villain, the bad guy?

 

 

 

You certainly can. I'm asking if you should...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

He was a college professor ...in a postion of authority...who should not have been pursueing students in his classroom. What should he have suffered? He should have been fired. I should have told the president of the college....i didn't. I blame myself for not telling. I pray that in the past 33 years...someone braver than i ...told.

 

Should i hate him? yes...i certainly should. My husband thinks i should...I think I should...

 

Those are the only two opinions that count.

[Doublegold]

Should i hate him? yes...i certainly should. My husband thinks i should...I think I should...

 

Those are the only two opinions that count.

 

This one night stand from 33 years ago is a ghost that walks through the walls of your marriage.

[Mr Blunt]

My husband thinks i should.

 

If Mr. John Adams thinks his wife should hate the OM then that is part of the healing and bonding process.

 

Mrs. JA makes it very clear that she puts her husband ahead of everyone else which is true and strong remorse. As I am a BS, that is great medicine for the wound!

[Mrs. John Adams]

Should i hate him? yes...i certainly should. My husband thinks i should...I think I should...

 

Those are the only two opinions that count.

 

This one night stand from 33 years ago is a ghost that walks through the walls of your marriage.

 

When i say infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving..I speak the truth.

You never forget. The elephant in the room moves to the yard...but it is always there. It does not define who you are as a couple...it does not appear everyday....it does not dominate....but it will forever be there.

 

My husband and i have an incredible life...my affair is rarely a topic of conversation...it is rarely mentioned.... however...I certainly cannot pretend it is not there. The mind is an incredible thing....you remember..those memories do not dominate...but they still exist.

 

We all have bad memories...some more than others..and we move past them to be the best we can be. I want others to know that healing is possible...but you cannot pretend that it never happened. An affair... a trust broken...remains...however...you can move past it and live a wonderful fulfilling life. You cannot however pretend...it never happened.

[understand50]

Sure I read it. Hating what you did is a healthy reaction to cheating.

 

Hating your AP is a common form of blameshifting. If we can convince ourselves we were somehow duped by a bad person, history is revised into a more palatable form.

 

Certainly most OW/M are flawed individuals. At the time of the affair, that makes them a perfect match for most WS's...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Mr. Lucky,

 

Nothing to do with blame shifting. What I am saying is that some AP's can catch a WS at a time of weakness and took advanage of it. You seem to imply that a average AP has no morel responsibility for sleeping with a married person. Hell, they just got lucky. Good for them, they got laid. I can tell you if I am ever single, I would never knowing sleep with a married person. I just do not want to be responsible for all the pain and hurt, knowing I was one half the equation. There are things you do in life that can cause pain to other, I choose to not to do this, and if I somehow cause pain, it was unknowingly.

 

Maybe, if we all did not only think of our own pleasure, and thought about the consequences of our actions, society as we know it would reach the nirvana, so many talk about. There are bad people out there with take advanage of weakness for the own selfish pleasure. They deserve nothing but our disdain. Yes, you own your actions, but acknowledge that one can and maybe should hate them that took advantage of you. Hate is a normal reaction to this situation, and if you do not, one wonders if you learned anything from the experience.