OW for almost 2 years, now pregnant and terrified ** Updated **

[smalltownwriter]

I believe you and him but I'd be worried once everything it done and over with, neither one of you will end up with him. This man can't be alone. You'll help him through this time and he'll move on to greener pastures now that he has a taste of the "single life."

 

I don't disagree with this being a serious possibility. But is cutting him off the only way to sniff that out? I feel like we've had a breakthrough since he moved out and I hate giving the impression that I'm forcing him to make a move before he's ready or backing out on him.

[deadsoul]

I don't disagree with this being a serious possibility. But is cutting him off the only way to sniff that out? I feel like we've had a breakthrough since he moved out and I hate giving the impression that I'm forcing him to make a move before he's ready or backing out on him.

 

It's not about cutting him off. It's about giving him space to sort his crap and learning how to be on his own. I don't think he'd do that though. I get the impression with you out of the picture, he'd go crawling back to his wife. And I feel like deep down, you know this. He should not be leaving her for you and essentially, that's what he's doing.

 

Ultimately, you know what's best for you, but your posts just hint that you doubt him and keeping in mind, we only can advise you based on your writing and your point of view, my own instincts want to tell you, "Run Forest. Run far and fast."

 

Ask yourself why you wouldn't be able to take some time apart and give him (and you) the time and space to figure things out. To me, the answer to that is telling of what this relationship is...

[whichwayisup]

Am I truly screwed if I continue seeing him while he goes through this process?

 

Yes.

 

This man right now isn't capable of a giving and open relationship with you while he is still legally married and sorting out a divorce, custody etc, and helping his child adjust to all the changes, let alone dealing with his soon to be wife and finances. You are saving yourself and possibly a future relationship with him by walking away and giving him time and space to work things out and be on his own (alone!) to process everything. He can't just up and leave and start a new life with you! That's unhealthy.

 

You're not his therapist, you can't help him through this stuff. He has to do it on his own. Also, notice for (probably the whole time) most of your time with him, it's about HIM. If he loves you and cares for you he'll let you go and come find you again when the timing is right and he's in a healthier place to date you and be with you in a proper way. He has nothing to give to you now except pain and confusion.

[whichwayisup]

I don't disagree with this being a serious possibility. But is cutting him off the only way to sniff that out? I feel like we've had a breakthrough since he moved out and I hate giving the impression that I'm forcing him to make a move before he's ready or backing out on him.

 

You don't have to cut him out completely, just stop having sex or any intimacy with him until he's officially divorced. Focus on YOU and YOUR life instead of him and his life. His life is a mess and IF he is going to divorce he has to do it because he'd rather be alone than stay married to his wife. If he is leaving "for you", your relationship has no chance of lasting.... If he wants out, he'll do all he can to make it happen. If he doesn't and this lags on for months and months or even a year, then you know he's playing both of you.

 

How long are you willing to wait?

[smalltownwriter]

That's a good question. I don't know. I feel like when I hit my wall, I'll know it. I visited him this week, it went well. But he has a bunch of stuff still at his house. He's only partially moved in. We had a conversation yesterday and I tried to explain to him that it feels like he's only half in this, and that I have to feel like it's hanging over my head that if I piss him off enough at any given point in time, he'll just go back there because he's already set up for an easy return. The answer was that moving things out was painful for him and he was doing it at his pace, he's not happy with the situation and was dealing with it how he could.

 

I am certain all of you guys are right, and at some point, after he is done experimenting with me, he'll decide to go back with her. There's just this nagging feeling I have though "what if." It's hard to turn my back on that feeling. I hope someone can relate and you don't all just think I'm a POS.

[BaileyB]

Nobody thinks that you are a POS. Please, don't ever think that.

 

In listening to your story, I feel like I have come to know you. You are a good person who is stumbling through life, as we all do from time to time. Personally, I don't want to see you hurt and disappointed again by this man. I wish you well.

[MidnightBlue1980]

That's a good question. I don't know. I feel like when I hit my wall, I'll know it. I visited him this week, it went well. But he has a bunch of stuff still at his house. He's only partially moved in. We had a conversation yesterday and I tried to explain to him that it feels like he's only half in this, and that I have to feel like it's hanging over my head that if I piss him off enough at any given point in time, he'll just go back there because he's already set up for an easy return. The answer was that moving things out was painful for him and he was doing it at his pace, he's not happy with the situation and was dealing with it how he could.

 

I am certain all of you guys are right, and at some point, after he is done experimenting with me, he'll decide to go back with her. There's just this nagging feeling I have though "what if." It's hard to turn my back on that feeling. I hope someone can relate and you don't all just think I'm a POS.

 

I spent 3 years when I was single in a relationship with a guy who was separated. He never did get divorced. That was 15 years ago now. He was never able to pull the trigger because he would say he did not have enough security from me to be able to end his marriage. I'd be really good for a while but eventually I'd get upset at no movement on his end and things would regress, leaving him with the feeling of not being able to count on me being there, should he divorce. It's a dreadful cycle, and it was a very painful experience.

 

I disagree with the others who say to stop intimacy until he is divorced. Divorce can take years. You are correct that he will view it as a sign that you won't be there for him. I'm not saying that you should of course dive in headfirst, I just see it as all in or all out. I'd say that if he shows signs of actually getting divorced, that would be positive - but I don't like how he acted when you were pregnant. I don't see how you can move on with him after he offered for his wife and he to raise your baby. That does not sound like a man divorcing.

 

The problem is that you really don't know what the outcome will be and you can waste years of your life in this experience. If you are happy, then maybe it is okay. But typically the woman is not happy. I have a friend who is getting divorced and has a girlfriend. They did not start out as an affair but it started the day he filed the papers. That was in April 2016. Other than that act, no progress has been made. He lives with his parents and his family has the marital home. There are logistical reasons for this and it makes sense. It is a horrible relationship for the girlfriend though. They fight constantly, he is always breaking up with her and getting back together. He's a total mess over his kids. She is not my friend but if she asked me I'd tell her - move on.

 

For me I eventually moved on and honestly, I am so happy I did.

[elaine567]

He has history, he left his first wife, so how did he do that and was his second wife his OW?

 

If so, then perhaps he follows a pattern, and that may give you some insight into how this will pan out.

If for instance he moved out slowly but never returned to his wife thereafter then that may give you hope that that is how this will play out, but if he spent years going back and fore to his first wife then that may be what you need to expect here too.

[BaileyB]

When I met my current boyfriend, he had been separated for two years and the divorce was just becoming final. He thought he was ready to date, but it was a difficult divorce and there was a child involved. There was no chance he was going back to his ex-wife, but he told me after three months that he was not ready for anything really serious... He had discovered that he needed more time to get sorted, with his home, his son, financially, etc... we said goodbye amicably because I wasn't willing to waste my time "dating" a man who was clear that he was not ready for a serious relationship. As much as it hurt, I respected him for taking the time that he needed to sort his life. Over a year later, he sent me and email and asked if I would meet him for coffee... It's been great ever since.

 

It's different, but I tell this story because HE has since told me that if we would have continued to date when we first met, we would never have lasted... And he had been separated for two years, his divorce was final, and he was NEVER considering going back to his wife.

 

I agree with midnight, I don't like how he treated you during your pregnancy. I don't know how you can ever forget that he wanted you to give him the baby to raise with his wife. And now, well it sounds like he has one foot in and one foot out the door. You will live in fear that he may decide at any moment to leave and return to his family. And, I can't imagine being in a relationship and feeling the pressure that he left his wife and child - for me. I can't imagine the first fight when he says "you know, I left my family - for you!"

 

I can appreciate the fact that you feel that you want to see what may come of this... You don't want to live with the "what ifs..." But, there is a lot to be said for being able to say, "I want a happy, healthy relationship for myself and my child. We deserve that and sadly, this is just not that relationship."

 

I do wish you well though...

Edited September 3, 2017 by BaileyB

[smalltownwriter]

He has history, he left his first wife, so how did he do that and was his second wife his OW?

 

If so, then perhaps he follows a pattern, and that may give you some insight into how this will pan out.

If for instance he moved out slowly but never returned to his wife thereafter then that may give you hope that that is how this will play out, but if he spent years going back and fore to his first wife then that may be what you need to expect here too.

 

No, his second wife was not the OW and there are those who will tell me I don't know for sure, but I am confident I know the truth about this because of the timeline. He told me it took him a full year to move out from the moment he had come to a decision that his first marriage was over. I know he is the type that has to process things, which is why I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but at the very least I felt like...if you're moving out to date me, then move out.

[deadsoul]

It shouldn't matter what strangers on the internet think. For the record, you aren't a POS and the assumptions that people think you are might be your conscious telling you that something about this isn't right.

 

If you feel you should follow this through, by all means, do it. If things work out, that's awesome... and if they don't... I'd be the last person to say, "I told you so." because sometimes you just need to go all the way through it to learn. Think of this whole situation as a learning experience and ask yourself if you are truly being fulfilled by this relationship or if you deserve better.

 

Then you'll know what to do... but the bottom line is don't spend your life waiting for him. Live your own life and find your own happy.

[sandylee1]

I just couldn't forgive his behaviour during the pregnancy, but I believe you think the sun shines out of his rear and will stay with him until he finally dumps you altogether.

[BaileyB]

STW, I find myself thinking of you and wondering how you are doing? How are things going with your mm? Hope you are well.

[smalltownwriter]

He dumped me for good on Thursday. After meeting my parents. And staying at my house for 2 weeks because work had him here that long. He said he missed his kids too much in that time and in that moment he knew he couldn't bear the thought of split custody and going a week without seeing his daughter. That he loves me so much but he has to pick the option that means he at least gets to see his daughter every day. And just like that it's over. He removed me from all social media. I assume he's moving back in this weekend. He just left town yesterday. I have toys, books, a brand new bed, etc at his apartment that I'm sure I'll never get back. He left a stack of clothes I washed for him along with one shoe. I told him I'd mail them next week.

 

I knew you guys were right but this was something my heart had to see through. I've never felt heartbreak like this before. It might be easier if he said he hated me but this was a 2 hour long conversation where he broke down many times and made it clear he loves me and none of this is because he wants to stay married, but because he doesn't want to miss new things his daughter learns as she grows up.

 

And now that he's been promoted he will be one of my bosses at that job. I want to quit. I could quit and still be fine with my other job. But as I have said in previous posts, this is an opportunity in my dream industry that I don't think I will get anywhere else. So I get dumped, I lose all of this in the breakup, and on top of that I'm the one who is supposed to walk away from my dream career...it just doesn't seem right.

 

I also want to blow up his life. I wish I could tell his wife all the things he said. I know it wouldn't be productive but the urge to go scorched earth is definitely there. I haven't told my parents or my friends who met him because it's humiliating. "Yes I know you just met him and we were about to build a life together but he decided to move back in with his wife."

 

It's all just too much to bear. I just want to sleep for days and I can't because I have a child to be there for. Not even going to get started on how awful I feel for letting him get so close to my kid.

 

Never again.

Edited September 16, 2017 by smalltownwriter

[Bittersweetie]

Smalltown, I am so sorry. Please make sure to take care of yourself: get proper rest, eat well, take walks or another kind of exercise. Try not to drink too much, because it's easier to do something one may regret after a few glasses of wine (I know this from experience alas). I'd also suggest delaying any big decisions for short time. I am thinking of you and sending you strength.

[BTDT2012]

Keep looking for a new job.

[BaileyB]

I'm sorry.

 

I can't say that I am surprised... As hard as it is, best that you learn this now before you become even more invested. I respect the fact that you felt you needed to follow it through... But now, you have your answer.

 

Take care of yourself - like everything in life, this too shall pass...

[LivingWaterPlease]

(((((smalltownwriter)))))

[deadsoul]

You've seen it through... and now you can grieve it and learn from it. This was not a waste and you truly loved him and it sounds like in his own f-ed up way, he loves you too. He didn't ghost you. He didn't break it off with email and you can officially say you've had your "closure." (Though I don't believe in closure at all).

 

Don't blow up his world. Focus on you and your daughter... No dream job is worth the pain, btw. Really try hard to get out. Your heart wants to stay because you might believe just seeing him/interacting with him is better than nothing, but it truly isn't.

 

As others have said, take care of you. There are really good lessons here and you have an opportunity to learn and grow from all this. Take care.

[K.K.]

I've followed your story and just want to say I'm so sorry. I think they (MM) go as far as they can even believing it themselves until they just can't anymore. Stories like this make me feel even more that sometimes it's not all about sex for the MM. Sometimes they love her. He loved you. It was just a painful choice I guess and he made it.

 

Don't blow up his world. We've all had those thoughts. It's just going to come back to haunt you and make you feel lower than a snake. I'm sure he hurts too.

 

Take care of you the best way you can. He'll probably come back wanting more of the same affair thing. Hope you're strong enough to make the choice not to go back. It's going to end the same way every single time.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

I've followed too. I'm really sorry. When you were in the A were you peers at work? If so and your company has an HR department I would go to them and report you were dating (or an A up to you) and I guarantee he will never been your immediate boss or you could sue the pants off them.

[reed1971]

I am so very sorry to hear it has turned out like this.

 

I can only imagine the pain you must feel.... the sick aching feeling that you fear will never go away... the loneliness... the heartache... and that deep deep sense of despair.

 

Heartache is one of the worst feelings and I want you to know that i am thinking of you... for what that is worth.

 

I know it is hard to imagine, as each day feels like a lifetime, and the fog is so thick that sometimes you can't see beyond the day... but one thing I can promise is that this feeling does pass... sure it may take a while... but it does pass. Please keep posting, this is the hardest time and the time you need the most support xx

[sandylee1]

The best thing you can do is find a job in a place without him. It's all well and good believing that he loves you, but have you ever stopped to think why he has a problem being faithful to his wives?

 

Why would it be any different with you?

 

It's time to separate reality from fantasy and see him for who he really is......that's a man who makes the ultimate commitment to a woman and cheats time and time again.

 

He's not capable of fidelity, but he wants the status of being a family man. That's what it boils down to.

[smalltownwriter]

The best thing you can do is find a job in a place without him. It's all well and good believing that he loves you, but have you ever stopped to think why he has a problem being faithful to his wives?

 

Why would it be any different with you?

 

It's time to separate reality from fantasy and see him for who he really is......that's a man who makes the ultimate commitment to a woman and cheats time and time again.

 

He's not capable of fidelity, but he wants the status of being a family man. That's what it boils down to.

 

I am willing to accept all criticisms, but there is no evidence to suggest he cheated on his first wife, so I don't think that is a fair assessment.

[smalltownwriter]

He keeps viewing my Snapchat stories. Why? He removed me from all other social media. He responds to it. One was a picture of an outfit. "I approve of this choice," he said. Why is he tormenting me? I begged him to stay and he left.