One Way Communication..

[leogirl876]

I see your point of how it would weed out the non-hackers. The casual "don't know what I want" type would be the one who wouldn't put much effort into a date. The ones who do would be the type that are looking for a relationship and are willing to put in effort, or player types that have a system down to magnetise women to their bed sheets.

 

I actually had a situation recently with a woman who didn't initiate either (I should have mentioned this in the last post), and I was actually quite proud of myself for how I handled it. Instead of being suggestive about her planning something I just told her flat out (but in a funny way) that I had planned the first three dates so date four was on her. So I still got to take the manly role of taking control of my situation by putting her in control of that situation. And it worked, we had a nice date of ice cream and a walk in the river valley followed by sex. Win win for KBob.

 

Ok, call me a princess, but if a man said that to me, that the next date was on me, I'd look at him like "what???". Now, I will offer to pay, but if a dude said that, I don't think I'd take that too well.

[KBob]

Ok, call me a princess, but if a man said that to me, that the next date was on me, I'd look at him like "what???". Now, I will offer to pay, but if a dude said that, I don't think I'd take that too well.

 

No, no, I didn't mean financially. It was about the suggestion for the date idea. I paid for everything, which is never an issue with me. Like I had said, it was put in more light words, I'm not a total A-hole.

[leogirl876]

No, no, I didn't mean financially. It was about the suggestion for the date idea. I paid for everything, which is never an issue with me. Like I had said, it was put in more light words, I'm not a total A-hole.

 

Oh, gotcha.

[GemmaUK]

I read this thread a few days ago but didn't have time to reply properly.

 

I think there could be a few things at play here.

I could of curse be totally wrong and she may not be that interested in you but from what you've posted she is interested in you - it's not as if she isn't receptive - she seems very receptive when there's a plan, a call etc.

 

Lol... Yup, I've tried that already. She still wouldn't make a decision. In fact, she was uncomfortable about it.

 

"Hey, let me know if you'd like to hang out this weekend."

"I'd love to."

"Alright, well, what would you like to do?"

"Hmm... I don't know.."

"Well, I have the weekend completely free and I don't know what your schedule looks like."

"I'm free all weekend too."

"Okay. We could grab dinner, go to a movie, go for a walk on the nature trail; whatever you'd like to do."

"Hmm... I just don't know." (Her voice is getting kind of tense at this point)

"How about dinner on Saturday?"

"That sounds great."

"We haven't tried ____, _____, or _____."

"You can pick, that's fine." (Her voice is getting REALLY tense at this point)

 

 

So, you can see why I am a little hesitant to push the subject with her.

 

You say she was in a very abusive relationship, I was also in a relationship for several months which was abusive - more than anything it was emotionally abusive, controlling, distrust, possessiveness, jealousy - the distrust and jealousy being over things which were totally bizarre.

Abuse tends to begin with these things in a very subtle way and can then escalate into other forms of abuse - verbal, sexual, physical but whatever level of abuse her relationship ended in she will likely have experienced some of the things I did - there's pretty much always a pattern and it's pretty text book.

 

It is also really important to say, as another poster has that 'dominant' is far different behaviour to abusive behaviour.

 

The post I have quoted above it appears that you are making choices in the planning of what to do - but in fact you're reeling options off and leaving the choice with her.

Something I experienced was that the times I did make the choice over what me and Mr A (I'll call my abuser Mr A) were to do there ended up always being something wrong with it during or after the event - that sort of thing can just make you not want to choose what to do when that has been a reaction over and over and it's possible that she had the same experience.

 

Another aspect is what she does for a living also.

In my job I am constantly making decisions - emotive ones related to what people are paid but also with reports I put together - as soon as my boss begins to speak of a report my mind goes off to the fastest, easiest result in getting that report done correctly. He will suggest ways but I find flaws (we have lots of different reporting options but one of them my boss is unfamiliar with but I self taught on it and now use it for various things and it can easily be built in as an aid to a correct and speedy result).

So my work hours are filled with decision making on various levels, I'm always having to plan, shift tasks around and I sometimes have no choice but to work from home to do extra hours but also manage people's expectations of what can be done and by when.

With that going on in my day to day life I can sometimes find it tough to pick a thing to do outside of work.

I'm laid back and easy going so if given a plan I'll tend to go for it - if I don't like the idea I will absolutely speak up and say so though.

 

I'm pretty open to doing most things too - just not roller coaster rides or skydiving! Lol!

 

Men tend to like to lead and all of the things you suggested in your post above are perfectly fine for a date. Once you knew that my weekend was free I'd be happy with you going off to sort a plan and come back to me.

I prefer when that happens myself - I'm not at work and I want to just relax, spend time with a guy I like and let him take the reigns.

 

(As a disclaimer I don't ever expect the guy to pay for everything - I'm a 50/50 or a he pays one time, I pay the next time type as I think it's only fair.)

 

Going back to your post there is a thing where when people are given too many choices they are sometimes unable to make a choice. For instance a small menu is quick to read and pick what you want - a huge menu on the other hand and the whole table sits and ponders for a lot longer over their choice.

On a side note my Mr A used to do the strangest thing and I still haven't fathomed why. This was over every single time there was a food or drink choice to be made. I would make my choice and be happy with it. Once I had told him he would then reel off eight or ten different options for me.

I'd respond saying I was fine with what I had chosen but he would repeat the alternative options and sometimes add new ones. I never did change my mind but this whole list giving just raised tension every time we were someplace choosing something. Even down to the choice of a sandwich in a store on the go as fuel.

I asked him why he did it and he said that he had been told by previous gfs that things were always his way or no way so instead he said he wanted to give me choices.

I still don't get it to this day though as I'd already made my choice and didn't need any help with it when he reeled off his list of other things.

If anyone can shed any light on it I would love to hear it!

 

The other thing I noticed in your first post is that you haven't appeared to reach much of a level of intimacy yet - as in sexual intimacy. Six weeks in as a woman I would be wondering about that and whether it might be being left to me to initiate something - again, another choice I have to push for when I'm actually happy, receptive, loving his company and would love for him to take those reigns too.

 

Once I know a guy better I do make more decisions and also initiate more - just once I have got to know him better and know a lot more about what he really does and doesn't like to do.

 

Edited to add: I am not at all linking you OP with any kind of abusive behaviours - just trying to explain how they could shed some light on her behaviour is all.

Edited May 27, 2017 by GemmaUK