abcdefg12 Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 Hello, all. I'm here for the first time, I'd like to share my story and get some advice, eventually. I am in a 5-year relationship (on and off) with my bf. Basically, he lies to me, he cheats and takes advantage of me. I know he's not a good match for me and I know I shouldn't be with him. I was breaking up with him several times, but I always get back to him. I even had a therapy which caused me to break up with him, just to get back after 3 months. The problem is that he claims he loves me, but he's got issues and doesn't know how to deal with it. I suggested him to attend a therapy or go and see a counsellor, but he laughed at me and said he doesn't need help from these "clowns". I somehow love him, too. However, I want to quit this relationship. There are good moments and he promised to change, which has never happened and it's safe to say he will never do. That's why I'm sure I want to move on, but for some reason, it's not easy for me. Any suggestions, anyone?
kiss_andmakeup Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 Unfortunately there's no magic bullet. Cut him out of your life completely. That means deleting/blocking his cell number, removing his profile from your social medias, and of course severing your physical relationship with him. You know he's bad news and he's caused you nothing but heartbreak. You have to treat him like a tumor that cannot be treated or cured, only removed completely. 1
Author abcdefg12 Posted May 16, 2017 Author Posted May 16, 2017 Unfortunately there's no magic bullet. Cut him out of your life completely. That means deleting/blocking his cell number, removing his profile from your social medias, and of course severing your physical relationship with him. You know he's bad news and he's caused you nothing but heartbreak. You have to treat him like a tumour that cannot be treated or cured, only removed completely. I know it sounds bad, but I already tried it all.
kiss_andmakeup Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 I know it sounds bad, but I already tried it all. There's no trying. Just doing. Nobody here can offer you any magic secret. You have control over yourself and that is all you have. 1
Author abcdefg12 Posted May 16, 2017 Author Posted May 16, 2017 There's no trying. Just doing. Nobody here can offer you any magic secret. You have control over yourself and that is all you have. Yeah - I did it, but always came back. I know that nobody has a magic wand, but I'd like to hear something which would make my decision a little bit easier. Maybe someone was in the same situation....?!
Redhead14 Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 Hello, all. I'm here for the first time, I'd like to share my story and get some advice, eventually. I am in a 5-year relationship (on and off) with my bf. Basically, he lies to me, he cheats and takes advantage of me. I know he's not a good match for me and I know I shouldn't be with him. I was breaking up with him several times, but I always get back to him. I even had a therapy which caused me to break up with him, just to get back after 3 months. The problem is that he claims he loves me, but he's got issues and doesn't know how to deal with it. I suggested him to attend a therapy or go and see a counsellor, but he laughed at me and said he doesn't need help from these "clowns". I somehow love him, too. However, I want to quit this relationship. There are good moments and he promised to change, which has never happened and it's safe to say he will never do. That's why I'm sure I want to move on, but for some reason, it's not easy for me. Any suggestions, anyone? but he's got issues and doesn't know how to deal with it. I suggested him to attend a therapy or go and see a counsellor, but he laughed at me and said he doesn't need help from these "clowns". -- Remind him that he knows he has issues and doesn't know how to deal with it and whatever he's trying now ISN'T working so what is there to lose. There are good moments and he promised to change, which has never happened and it's safe to say he will never do. -- Until he learns some other ways and gets the tools/skills he needs in order to change, he can't change. The definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again expecting different results. Which, by the way, is what you are doing too by believing him when he says he can/will change but never does or, even makes an effort, probably. And after you tell him that, you remind him that you are not a counsellor and that you have needs that need to be met and he isn't able to do that and so you are moving on to find someone who can do that PERIOD. End of story.
lucy_in_disguise Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 I think it's really positive that you know what you have to do. It's never going to be easy but havibg a strong support system, staying busy, and doing things you enjoy are key. We usually go back to an ex out of boredom, emotional needs, or comfort. If you try to meet those needs proactively, you will have a higher chance of success. ~Build a strong support system. Confide about your struggles to a close friend- she will help hold you accountable. If you dont have anyone like that in your life at the moment, therapy can be great, or you can post here. ~fill your life with activities you enjoy. Spend more time on your hobbies or find a new one. Reconnect with old friends. Doing things that make you happy will keep your mind off your ex and make you less likely to go there ~be kind to yourself and take it easy when you want to. If you are craving the comfort of the old relationship- staying in to watch a movie- go ahead and be your own date. Stay home and binge watch tv for a night if you feel like it. ~make new friends. Join a club or meetup group and meet some new people. This will help meet your social needs and again, make you less likely to reach out to your ex. ~work out. It will take your mind off the relationship, and help you feel healthier and improve your self-esteem 3
Emotion Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 Hi abcdegf12, I understand where you are coming from. The impression I get from your writing is you agree and to some extent, in your head, know the some or all of the good advice that has been generously given by community members. But we can only offer you advice, much like loving someone who is too scared to open their heart, no one can force that "doorway" and make someone love them. The issue is the mental hurdle you are experiencing and being disciplined. I say this not as advice but as someone who is battling my own relationship demons. I'm not sure this will make sense to anyone but your mentally digging yourself a deep hole downwards and my advice is dig up! As with all great advice the real question you want to know is how? HOW? Lol, this is my life story After researching/reading I found the following:- Know this and repeat: complexity is the enemy of execution! I.e in your situation you think about you, ex, good times, bad times. Just stop, please! Close your eyes are think of a white wall/pitch black room. Once you are clam read on (some points may covered by other members, apologises) Mentially/physically take action, even if it means talking to yourself. Ps I'm actually using these to also improve my life. 1) Focus and control 2) change 3) measure 1) Focus and control: This is about learning/relearning to direct your focus I.e you life camera lens if you will. Two steps here: focus on what you are doing in the here and now. Yes you mind will wander alotttttt but learn to bring it to heel. Helps if your busy with activities that are mentally/physically exhausting/challenging or out of your comfort zone in a social context. There will be time when you are moving between task/place A and B. This is when the darkness can start to in wittingly creep in. Be mindful and control your thought. You are in the driving seat of your life! when you think of your ex or have any negative emotional whip your focus to here and now. Could be anything I.e your on the bus/street and you see a girl/woman and you think DAMNN! Those shoes are "baller" aka awesome/swag (whatever slang you use). Don't stop there! Where did she get them? Wondering how much? Hmm let's google and see what colours them come in! Then *BOOM* you where you need to be doing something else and focus on that. P.S before sleep or just trying to sleep is the greatest challenge if you've not fully exhausted all your mental and physical energy. 2) Change: since you've be such a studious student and know how to focus. You can focus on what can I change. And before your mind goes off wondering about change in your relationship, I state this now! You cannot enforce change on someone or make them love you the way you think is right or deserve. So what left in this equation? As they say "me me me me me me it's all about me!" 3) Measure: track your progress. Major caveat, take baby steps. I'm not saying not to dream big you should! My opinion and I relate to this. your mental state is like a hurt Olympic champion. You need recovery, do the physio, test runs and be the champion. There are other things but after a really quick scan think they are mentioned. Stay strong, believe in yourself and know you are not alone. Ive spent 5 months digging in the wrong direction but started making changes. It's probably been alittle under month now and I see improvements. I won't lie and give you a fairy tale. Do I still love me ex? Yes Do I want her back? No Have I stopped having emotional breakdowns: Yes Do I think about her less: Yes There will be emotional scars. But you'll be wiser and the right person will love you despite them.
preraph Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 Tell him that you can't be with him unless he does some work on himself with "those clowns" because right now he's the bigger clown. As you know therapy isn't a magic wand either. You need to leave him and tell him to get help and see you in a year or two if you haven't found someone else. 2
hestheone66 Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 I have a few posts about my toxic relationship... Your friends and family will be a great support. If you've let them fall to wayside because if this relationship try reaching out, Have a look at my response to someone similar problem to you.. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/604622-can-t-hold-job-again-off-again-over-3-years.
Titanll Posted May 16, 2017 Posted May 16, 2017 Yeah - I did it, but always came back. I know that nobody has a magic wand, but I'd like to hear something which would make my decision a little bit easier. Maybe someone was in the same situation....?! Someone in the same situation? Don't know. I certainly wouldn't remain in a relationship like this for 5 years. What's so hard about this decision?
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