One Sided Reconciliation?

[ronisanidiot]

Sounds like borderline behavior. If so expect it to bounce from one extreme to the other till she gets help.

[Mrs. John Adams]

She said she was just exhausted and just didn't feel like it today. I think it was because she had other priorities.

 

She did show up 15 minutes late, but showed up nonetheless.

 

I hope you told her that her excuse was unacceptable...

At least she did show up ...

 

I don't envy you sir...

[saddad44]

I hope you told her that her excuse was unacceptable...

At least she did show up ...

 

I don't envy you sir...

 

I did. I'm glad she came, we hashed out some stuff. I don't think we really resolved anything. But we'll see....

 

I don't envy me either. I really just need to figure out how to proceed. If this is the new person, it isn't the one I fell in love with, no matter how much I want it to be. I just don't know the appropriate amount of time it will take to figure that out. I know 3,4,5,6 months isn't a long time, or enough time. I am just so lost as to what to do or how to proceed.

[Friskyone4u]

That's because you are trying to do all the heavy lifting yourself. It takes two "all in" to have any chance. And you can wait 3, 4 ,5 ,6 months or years and that formula does not change .

 

The saying is it takes 2-5 years to heal a marriage from infidelity. You prepared to roller coaster with someone not all in all the time for that long. If not, your strategy has to change from Mr. Nice Guy to Mister I'm done.

[PegNosePete]

Hopefully this doesn't mean we're back to square one.

No, sorry to say, it means you never got off square one in the first place.

 

That's because you are trying to do all the heavy lifting yourself. It takes two "all in" to have any chance. And you can wait 3, 4 ,5 ,6 months or years and that formula does not change

^ Exactly.

 

She clearly has other priorities than fixing the marriage. She is doing the minimum amount of effort she thinks she can get away with, to prevent you kicking her out. If I were you I'd ask her straight if she wants to fix the marriage or not. And if so, then she needs to start pulling her weight, rather than being dragged by you.

[saddad44]

No, sorry to say, it means you never got off square one in the first place.

 

 

^ Exactly.

 

She clearly has other priorities than fixing the marriage. She is doing the minimum amount of effort she thinks she can get away with, to prevent you kicking her out. If I were you I'd ask her straight if she wants to fix the marriage or not. And if so, then she needs to start pulling her weight, rather than being dragged by you.

 

I have asked her this multiple times and the answer is always 'yes.'

 

But her actions say otherwise to me. I am in the unenviable position of trying to figure out if she is sincere, wasting my time, changed into a person I didn't fall in love with, etc.

 

At this point, time is both my friend and my enemy. The more times that elapses, the more resentment I feel, but at the same time, I know it will take time to discern any of this situation with any true intentions.

 

I am not sure I want to wait it out. I want to, because of our son, but at the same time, I don't want to, because of her. What a roller coaster of emotions this has been for me. You guys have all been great, and I appreciate each and every one of your feed back.

 

The biggest thing that scares me at the moment is the person this will make her. I know I have read and heard from an enormous amount of people that this changes people - sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. One big thing is her new found 'independence' and her wanting to close off for days at a time with very little interaction. She accuses me of being too needy or being up her ass. I don't really know how you just turn off a relationship like that - but I suppose to each their own.

 

I am not okay with bare minimum on a connection, emotional, intimate and physical level. And that seems like what she is going for in the future. I don't' know if this is simply because of her anger at the moment, which seems to be subsiding somewhat - except when she has her blow ups. But those are things are already struggled with in our marriage (both our faults), and if it's going to be worse, I don't know if I can be happy in that situation. I am a romantic dude, I love the cheesey stuff - she doesn't and that has been a huge disconnect for us.

 

I fear we're incompatible in sex, romance, affection, life goals, ambition, etc. This could all be fixed with a little compromise on both sides, but my wife has been reading a lot of articles about how she shouldn't have to compromise and just do that she wants (the millennial way). I remember her sending me an article a few weeks back that was written by a 21 year old photography student. I brought that to her attention, that maybe we shouldn't take relationship advise from a kid.

 

Wee! What a ride. (and not a fun one).

[Mrs. John Adams]

It is my opinion that you need to place the needs of your son first. You have described her as failing not only as your wife and companion but failing as a mother.

 

You have to evaluate how her behavior is affecting your child.

 

Children while innocent certainly know when things are not right and you have been living in this uncertainty and disruption for months now.

 

I understand your dilemma... but perhaps making the best decisions for the child is also the best answer for you in the long run.

 

Your wife is not ready for reconciliation. She will co exist with you but that's not reconciliation.

 

Neither of you is happy... both of you are tired and quite frankly the only one you have any control over is you. You cannot make her do anything and even when you try to assist her in making good choices ... she rebels.

 

She went to therapy... but arrived late. She put forth no effort.

 

Honestly.. let her dowhat she wants.

 

You keep working on you to be the best you can be for your son.

 

I honestly do no think you have a relationship worth saving and I truly hate that for you because I get the sense you would really like to try.

 

I am sorry but I don't think she really cares one way or the other.

 

I wish you peace

Edited May 16, 2017 by Mrs. John Adams

[saddad44]

It is my opinion that you need to place the needs of your son first. You have described her as failing not only as your wife and companion but failing as a mother.

 

You have to evaluate how her behavior is affecting your child.

 

Children while innocent certainly know when things are not right and you have been living in this uncertainty and disruption for months now.

 

I understand you dilemma... but perhaps making the best decisions for the child is also the best answer for you in the long run.

 

Your wife is not ready for reconciliation. She will co exist with you but that's not reconciliation.

 

Neither of you is happy... both of you are tired and quite frankly the only one you have any control over is you. You cannot make her do anything and even when you try to assist her in making good choices ... she rebels.

 

She went to therapy... but arrived late. She put forth no effort.

 

Honestly.. let her go what she wants.

 

You keep working on you to be the best you can be for your son.

 

I honestly do no think you have a relationship worth saving and I truly hate that for you because I get the sense you would really like to try.

 

I am sorry but I don't think she really cares one way or the other.

 

I wish you peace

 

I am not sure that is what she wants. How can I be sure? If that's the case, I agree - I should stop and let go. But, I don't think that's what she wants. I think she wants to work it out, but I think she wants the 'new' relationship to be her way only. Which is a relationship that she has her cake and eats it too. Not something I'm particularly interested in. Relationships are built around trust, compromise, understanding and support. These are all things that will not be fostered in her way of thinking, I fear.

 

School is out in a week. That was my deadline to try to figure out this mess. And that was months ago - I feel no closer to being able to make a decision now than then.

 

I understand your sentiment, and I also appreciate all of the time you have spent conversing with me on this issue. Being as you have been through a similar situation and came out on top, I take your advise to heart.

 

How do I know I'm making the right decision for my son? I fear, even with 50/50, the other 50% I'm not around will be awful. At least in this situation, I can somewhat control the daily life, situations, and conditions he is exposed to. At that point I would lose any and all control of that portion. I also don't think it will be possible to get custody of him (more than 50, or even the sole custodian) as where I live it is very skewed towards mothers still. In addition, I am not sure I would even want to do that to her. Seems cruel to take away her son.

 

THis morning she came up behind me and gave me a 1-2 minute hug and we had a conversation until she got sensitive about our conversation not going the way she wanted it (was just small talk about random ****, nothing heavy). I pointed out she was simply being sensitive, and she rolled her eyes and stopped.

 

I have been maintaining my 'detachment' to her emotionally and physically for the most part. I don't want to break my or her heart again. I'm not sure I buy 'she doesn't want' so much as 'she just doesn't care right now' or she doesn't see what the point of effort is. I think she has regressed into a mature state that resembles a teenager (not trying to be mean). But I also attribute that to the fact that she has been reading a lot of articles about some crazy stuff from feminists and what not that aren't necessarily completely applicable to our whole situation.

[Mrs. John Adams]

But don't you see... you said it here just now... she wants it to be her way...

 

So you have to decide... is this acceptable for you? Can you stay but stay her way? Because at this point.. I don't see that it is going to be any other way.

 

So you have two choices... you stay and do it her way or you leave and live life without her... because I am telling you... she gives you just enough to keep you hanging on... and when you push her.. she pushes back.

 

Can you live like this?

 

And I will talk out if turn here because I am not really that familiar with divorce. But if your wife is doing drugs and you have told us she is...if your wife is emotionally unstable... which you have said she is... then I don't see why you could not get more custody than she gets.

 

You may need to talk to a lawyer and find out where you stand legally. It may help you make your decision.

 

I cannot imagine giving custody to this lazy ,drug taking ,emotionally unstable cheating woman

 

This is the picture you have painted of her

 

Is it accurate?

[saddad44]

But don't you see... you said it here just now... she wants it to be her way...

 

So you have to decide... is this acceptable for you? Can you stay but stay her way? Because at this point.. I don't see that it is going to be any other way.

 

So you have two choices... you stay and do it her way or you leave and live life without her... because I am telling you... she gives you just enough to keep you hanging on... and when you push her.. she pushes back.

 

Can you live like this?

 

And I will talk out if turn here because I am not really that familiar with divorce. But if your wife is doing drugs and you have told us she is...if your wife is emotionally unstable... which you have said she is... then I don't see why you could not get more custody than she gets.

 

You may need to talk to a lawyer and find out where you stand legally. It may help you make your decision.

 

I cannot imagine giving custody to this lazy ,drug taking ,emotionally unstable cheating woman

 

This is the picture you have painted of her

 

Is it accurate?

 

I have consulted a lawyer, to the point of having all of the paperwork filled out. Prior to her 'giving in' a little, I was at my wits end and wanted to be ready.

 

As far as the custody stuff goes - I am not sure if I want to do that to her. That would be so emotionally destructive for her. And even the fight itself that it would take would likely damage Jack and our ability to co-parent. I think I would have to give that part up and go for 50/50 with her as the primary.

 

I think her emotional instability is getting better. As far as the drugs, she smokes pot all day every day. I am not exaggerating. She wakes up at 6:30 to get the kid on the bus and is smoking it. She is smoking it when I leave for work at 8, and smokes it all day and when I get home, continues throughout the evening and night. I even brought it to her attention and she gets quite angry and defensive. I suggested maybe she should seek counseling for it. I don't have a problem with pot, honestly (I will have a toke here and there, but not often anymore), but anything can be abused. I don't think she is addicted to the drug so much as addicted to the feeling. To be fair, she has been this way all 10 years, but it's gotten worse since all of this happened.

 

 

I also don't think it's a coincidence, the two great days I described above occurred when she was out.

[Cephalopod]

Your wife is worthless. Sorry man it she's a loser. File for D and spare yourself more years of misery.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Let me understand this

 

Your wife smokes pot all day long...and you are concerned with her mental stability if you take care of your son.. instead of being concerned about his well being of staying with a pot smoking mom?

 

I am sorry but that is twisted

 

Listen.. she is old enough to make her own choices... but he isn't.

 

Are you ok with your son being in her care with her smoking pot all day long?

 

Do you think the state will be ok with leaving him in the care of a pot smoking mom ?

 

In my state dfs would take him away from her and put him in a foster home.

 

I think you need to really look st your priorities... your son is first and if she is willing to choose pot over her son... she really does not care about him.

 

If she is not willing to not smoke with her son in the home then she doesn't care about her son.

 

You need to step in and tell her that she stops smoking and takes care of him or you will file for custody

[Mr Blunt]

Mrs. John Adams and others have been very consistent in giving you the right advice. You told us that you are very co-dependent but that can no longer be a good enough excuse for you to sacrifice yourself and your child. You must do what has been advised or you will become a door mat and not any good to yourself or your child. You talk too much and act too little.

 

I will repeat below what I said six days ago but will not spend any more time trying to get you to do what is best for you and your child. I think you know what is best but you do not want to face reality and do the hard part.

 

 

"You can diligently work on yourself to become the best man you can be without you trying to change your wife. You trying to change your wife will take away from the most important thing you can do right now and that is for you to work on you. Get all the help that you can get and then TAKE THE POSITIVE ACTIONS that will make you a better man and father."

 

“The current state that you are in and your wife is in makes it impossible for you two to heal your betrayals. For now you can only work on yourself”

[mercy]

How does it benefit you for your wife to remain in an altered state?

 

I don't think your wife, as a child said, one day I'll be the best pothead I can be. No one aspires to check out of reality.

 

Your son has never met his true authentic mom. Think about it, he has never had a mother that is truly present in his life, one that is mindful of being in the moment and experiencing the special human being that he is. You just can't do that in an altered state.

 

What is it that makes her so afraid of reality? What makes you okay with this?

 

Please read this - 10 Reasons to Stay Away from Weed - Narconon Blog

[saddad44]

How does it benefit you for your wife to remain in an altered state?

 

I don't think your wife, as a child said, one day I'll be the best pothead I can be. No one aspires to check out of reality.

 

Your son has never met his true authentic mom. Think about it, he has never had a mother that is truly present in his life, one that is mindful of being in the moment and experiencing the special human being that he is. You just can't do that in an altered state.

 

What is it that makes her so afraid of reality? What makes you okay with this?

 

Please read this - 10 Reasons to Stay Away from Weed - Narconon Blog

 

I understand - I see a lot of the symptoms in that article in my wife.

 

Up until recently, I didn't really think of it so much as a problem. I mean, I always knew, but never thought much about it. She is the avid type, advocates for it, etc. I do support legalization, and don't see why not (compare it to alcohol, health-wise for example). But anything can be abused, legal or not.

 

I am not sure how much of an affect this has on her parenting or relationship with me. She has been doing it so long, it's just kind of part who she is, and she has told me that. Like I said earlier, I suggested she might seek counseling for it the other day and she got defensive and aloof about even just the idea that I would say something like that.

 

I think the bigger issue, at least for me, is figuring out if this is who she is now. If so, I DO need to move on, because I will not be happy with this new person. I really don't think so, and I think it's just temporary and I can find enough happiness to stay together for my little man. I am a big fan of 'not' staying together to the kids, so I know I'm being a little hypocritical on this. He means the world to me and i don't want to destroy his world. It horrifies me to even think about sitting down to tell him...

[wmacbride]

I understand - I see a lot of the symptoms in that article in my wife.

 

Up until recently, I didn't really think of it so much as a problem. I mean, I always knew, but never thought much about it. She is the avid type, advocates for it, etc. I do support legalization, and don't see why not (compare it to alcohol, health-wise for example). But anything can be abused, legal or not.

 

I am not sure how much of an affect this has on her parenting or relationship with me. She has been doing it so long, it's just kind of part who she is, and she has told me that. Like I said earlier, I suggested she might seek counseling for it the other day and she got defensive and aloof about even just the idea that I would say something like that.

 

I think the bigger issue, at least for me, is figuring out if this is who she is now. If so, I DO need to move on, because I will not be happy with this new person. I really don't think so, and I think it's just temporary and I can find enough happiness to stay together for my little man. I am a big fan of 'not' staying together to the kids, so I know I'm being a little hypocritical on this. He means the world to me and i don't want to destroy his world. It horrifies me to even think about sitting down to tell him...

 

I'm a licensed user of medical cannabis myself. I use it for pain at night, but when it's day time and it's time for me to to be with my children ( they're teens now) treating pain takes a back seat.

 

This is what a find really telling about your wife. Her need for escapism exceeds her need to nurture and be with her son. I have known many parents who use cannabis, and not one of them put it before their children.

 

This is what makes me the the mary jane is more of a symptom of much larger issue that goes beyond recreational drug use.

 

This is just my guess, but I really believe she is self medicating. That's really common for adults with issues like ADHD as well as depression and other forms of mental illness. It helps mask the symptoms, but the underlying issue is still there.

 

If she is not able to care for her son because of her drug use, then your home is toxic. I don't think you are doing him any favours by staying.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I understand - I see a lot of the symptoms in that article in my wife.

 

Up until recently, I didn't really think of it so much as a problem. I mean, I always knew, but never thought much about it. She is the avid type, advocates for it, etc. I do support legalization, and don't see why not (compare it to alcohol, health-wise for example). But anything can be abused, legal or not.

 

I am not sure how much of an affect this has on her parenting or relationship with me. She has been doing it so long, it's just kind of part who she is, and she has told me that. Like I said earlier, I suggested she might seek counseling for it the other day and she got defensive and aloof about even just the idea that I would say something like that.

 

I think the bigger issue, at least for me, is figuring out if this is who she is now. If so, I DO need to move on, because I will not be happy with this new person. I really don't think so, and I think it's just temporary and I can find enough happiness to stay together for my little man. I am a big fan of 'not' staying together to the kids, so I know I'm being a little hypocritical on this. He means the world to me and i don't want to destroy his world. It horrifies me to even think about sitting down to tell him...

why are you willing to sacrifice your son?

 

Can you please tell me why you keep reiterating that you want to know if this is whp she is now....when throught this entire thread you have described her as being a lazy pot smoking terrible wife...the entire time you have been married.

 

What do you mean by is this who she is now? Yes this is who she is now...and this is who she has been....and this is who she will remain until she makes up her mind to get help...get off the pot....and get her lazy ass up off of the sofa and be a good mother to her son and a good loving wife to you.

 

How many times do you need to be told? How much time are you willing to waste? Why are you willing to sacrifice your son for a wife who has checked out on being a decent responsible human being?

 

Please get your son out of this environment....he needs to be in a loving stable home....not a toxic one.

Edited May 16, 2017 by Mrs. John Adams

[PegNosePete]

But her actions say otherwise to me. I am in the unenviable position of trying to figure out if she is sincere

How is this hard to figure out? If someone says one thing and does another, then you should believe their actions, not their meaningless words. There is a saying you may have heard: talk is cheap.

[saddad44]

why are you willing to sacrifice your son?

 

Can you please tell me why you keep reiterating that you want to know if this is whp she is now....when throught this entire thread you have described her as being a lazy pot smoking terrible wife...the entire time you have been married.

 

What do you mean by is this who she is now? Yes this is who she is now...and this is who she has been....and this is who she will remain until she makes up her mind to get help...get off the pot....and get her lazy ass up off of the sofa and be a good mother to her son and a good loving wife to you.

 

How many times do you need to be told? How much time are you willing to waste? Why are you willing to sacrifice your son for a wife who has checked out on being a decent responsible human being?

 

Please get your son out of this environment....he needs to be in a loving stable home....not a toxic one.

 

I don't think I am sacrificing my son. He is a very talented kid, he is in gifted programs, has a great life, very happy etc. He is a very perceptive kid, but I think we have done a good job at shielding him from all of this. He hasn't acted out, asked any questions, or changed in any way since the start of all of this. We don't bicker or argue anywhere near him, never have.

 

I think she could do things better, like keeping the house clean, providing more healthy meals, etc etc. But overall, I think she's a good parent, but that's where it ends. I think she has gotten so used to being high that she just functions with it, at least on the child care stuff. And let's be honest, he's older. He goes to school, gets off the bus, does his own thing 90% of the time. Unless something goes wrong or he gets hurt, there isn't much to do at that point.

 

The kid has kept me here this long, but I truly don't think he was suffering. If I did, I would have hit the road - trust me on that one. And this is a discussion I've had multiple times with multiple people. While I know she isn't living up to her full potential as a parent or wife, I don't think it's affecting him.

 

The core issue I am trying to focus on is me and her. Of course, the son isn't being ignored, still spend a ton of time on him, actually probably more than normal because over the course of being ignored and not doing anything, tend to gravitate towards other things and that time I have been spending with him, or personal activities.

[Mrs. John Adams]

All I can say is... you are fooling yourself. You know that you cannot completely conditions in your home right now... your son knows his mom is high on dope... your son knows that your relationship with your wife right now is strained at best.

 

I don't think he is in physical danger...other than the example she is setting for him.. but I do think this may affect him emotionally.

 

Kids don't always"act out" ... but they can carry emotional scars for a lifetime... it could affect future relationships for him.

 

Look... you came here looking for help.

 

You seem to have made up your mind that you will stay. So many have invested time trying to help you and I do believe you are listening... but I am not sure you are truly hearing. If you came here because you just wanted to gripe about your horrible wife and venting has helped you... great. But you need to see this from our perception because we don't know your wife. She has never been a good wife... being a good wife means being a helpmate. It means doing our fair share emotionally and physically to the best of our ability. According to you.. she has never pulled her weight.. done her part... or met you halfway.

 

You both have made many mistakes.. and you know I am not placing all of the blame on her. But I am struggling to understand your mindset. You seem to be quite capable of living your life without her... and yet... strangely... you are hoping she becomes something she has never been.

 

So I will share this lesson I learned in my life. You either love your spouse and accept them for who they or you divorce. You have control over one person... you. You cannot make someone else change or become someone else you might like better.

 

So ... your wife is who she is. You either accept her for who she is or you divorce... because you are not going to change her.

 

Ultimately only you know what is best for you. You know your limitations ... you know your goals... you know your desires.

 

Do you love your wife just as she is? Do you accept her just as she is?

 

If the answer is yes... stay and continue to work on your relationship together. If your answer is no... get a divorce.

 

Another lesson I have learned in life.. I never say anything negative about my husband. If I have an issue... I go to him because only he and I can fix it together.

 

I think negative comments breed negative attitudes. I choose to have positive good thoughts about my spouse.. I appreciate him for who he is. If I find myself being negative .. I examine myself... to see how I have changed.

 

You see when I cheated... my husband was the same man he had always been.. I changed.. he didn't. So if things feel out of sync... I look inward. The wonderful thing is... he approaches it the same way. That's what reconciliation is... both if you working together toward peace.

 

You started this thread asking about one sided reconciliation... and I do believe from what you have said about your wife... she is putting forth no effort to reconcile.

 

So my question to you is this... is this acceptable to you?

[saddad44]

All I can say is... you are fooling yourself. You know that you cannot completely conditions in your home right now... your son knows his mom is high on dope... your son knows that your relationship with your wife right now is strained at best.

 

I don't think he is in physical danger...other than the example she is setting for him.. but I do think this may affect him emotionally.

 

Kids don't always"act out" ... but they can carry emotional scars for a lifetime... it could affect future relationships for him.

 

Look... you came here looking for help.

 

You seem to have made up your mind that you will stay. So many have invested time trying to help you and I do believe you are listening... but I am not sure you are truly hearing. If you came here because you just wanted to gripe about your horrible wife and venting has helped you... great. But you need to see this from our perception because we don't know your wife. She has never been a good wife... being a good wife means being a helpmate. It means doing our fair share emotionally and physically to the best of our ability. According to you.. she has never pulled her weight.. done her part... or met you halfway.

 

You both have made many mistakes.. and you know I am not placing all of the blame on her. But I am struggling to understand your mindset. You seem to be quite capable of living your life without her... and yet... strangely... you are hoping she becomes something she has never been.

 

So I will share this lesson I learned in my life. You either love your spouse and accept them for who they or you divorce. You have control over one person... you. You cannot make someone else change or become someone else you might like better.

 

So ... your wife is who she is. You either accept her for who she is or you divorce... because you are not going to change her.

 

Ultimately only you know what is best for you. You know your limitations ... you know your goals... you know your desires.

 

Do you love your wife just as she is? Do you accept her just as she is?

 

If the answer is yes... stay and continue to work on your relationship together. If your answer is no... get a divorce.

 

Another lesson I have learned in life.. I never say anything negative about my husband. If I have an issue... I go to him because only he and I can fix it together.

 

I think negative comments breed negative attitudes. I choose to have positive good thoughts about my spouse.. I appreciate him for who he is. If I find myself being negative .. I examine myself... to see how I have changed.

 

You see when I cheated... my husband was the same man he had always been.. I changed.. he didn't. So if things feel out of sync... I look inward. The wonderful thing is... he approaches it the same way. That's what reconciliation is... both if you working together toward peace.

 

You started this thread asking about one sided reconciliation... and I do believe from what you have said about your wife... she is putting forth no effort to reconcile.

 

So my question to you is this... is this acceptable to you?

 

 

I just wanted to let you know that I sincerely appreciate all of your time (and everyone else's) and effort that you have put into helping me. I do take what to say to heart, I do listen. I have implemented many of the things on this thread (and others). Some have been successful and others have not.

 

That being said...

 

I really haven't made up my mind yet, that is why I struggle so much. I know, in my head, I have decided to at least wait it out until school is done to make up my mind (last day is next week). I know that isn't enough time for her to heal or even be okay, but I do think it's enough time for her to decide if she wants to work with me on this.

 

I think she has this mindset of it's all my fault and she shouldn't have to do anything. I also know she is the most stubborn person I know, to the point of her friends messaging/calling me and asking how we're doing because they she won't talk to them because of their advise to her that she didn't like (basically she needed to stop the BS, own up, work with me etc). Her stubbornness is always her down fall.

 

No, I do not accept her current behavior. Yes, I hold onto hope that she will change and recognize what she is doing, even if it's baby steps. We had a few good days, but it seems to have regressed back into what it used to be. And I am starting to think it is because of something I confronted her with that she said about me. I think she had a lot of guilt and used a few days of treating me nice to try to erase her guilt.

 

I do hear exactly what you're saying, and I can't argue or disagree with any of it. However, I am just at the point of I can't decide and I haven't reached my time limit. My goal isn't simply to gripe about my wife. I have been 100% truthful in everything I have said so far (why lie on an anonymous forum lol).

 

I also know, it's easy to say something, much harder to do another. I have lurked around the forum and read a lot of the stories, the outcomes etc. It's really easy for me to give advise, because it seems black and white on most of them. I think to a lot of people reading this thread, it seems black and white too. But it's hard to express everything in such a small amount of space.

 

It's hard to let go of over 20 years of a relationship, 10 years of marriage, all that history, all the memories, all the fun times, bad times - all of it. I can't fathom losing all of that and having to start over. The thought frightens me more than I can put into words. Put on top of that my fear of confronting our child. It's all extremely horrifying to me.

 

I guess I am just a weak person. I have been slowly trying to detach as best I can, but that's just not who I am. I am a dependent person. I am not happy by myself, something I need to work on. I do need validation from my partner, again something I should work on. I am a very compromising and giving individual, and I married someone who takes and is the complete opposite with a 'my way or the highway' sort of mentality. I know this about her, I have always just accepted it and picked my battles.

 

The bottom line for me is, I love her so damn much. I fear regretting any decision I make 1 year, 2 years, however long. Either way, I may regret what I do. There is no right answer for me, there is no easy answer for me. Can I be happy? I think so, either way. I know I am a desirable person. I am young, successful, not bad looking, nice, funny caring, etc. I get hit on all the time when I go to bars. But I think this entire situation has just destroyed any confidence and my emotional state into nothingness. And this is something that I think will take a lot of time for me to recover from, but I will.

 

I appreciate all of the support, more than words can say from each of you. Talking it out and hearing the truth helps me tremendously. I owe you all a beer.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Please don't think any of us is pushing you to make a decision.. as a matter of fact not making a decision is making a decision.

 

And your decisions don't affect us in our lives... we all ultimately want you to live happily ever after and if that means compromising and accepting your life the way it is... then so be it.

 

I want you to be happy... and I hear such sadness in your posts.. you are yearning for something I fear you will never have..

 

My husband did too ... for thirty years.

 

However.. I tried those thirty years.

 

How long can you wait? Forever? A week?

 

It's your call... and we do feel your struggle...

[saddad44]

[] I think it's time to start really considering my options. Long story short, 10 years married, I moved out for 3 weeks about 6 months ago from being unhappy (midlife crisis, new medicine from doc, huge mistakes, whatever you want to call it). Made a mistake over one weekend and had sex with another female a few times, mostly a drunken weekend. Immediately go home with my stuff confess to everything I had done wrong and we agree to reconcile and work it out. 2 Months later my wife has an affair that lasted about 5 weeks, including sending uses, sexting, lying about going to families house and staying the night etc. I find out through her Facebook messenger. All the while we were playing house, cooking dinner , living life as best we could. We have one child (9).

 

We have now been to about 12 counseling sessions. She seems to not be getting any better or behavin any better towards me. Constant nasty attitude, refusal to communicate. Zero real affection or physical activity, no emotional connection. She refuses anything and everything. Anytime we do have a conversation that is more than small talk it turns into a blame game with her and throwing stuff from 10 years of marriage in my face and me taking it and apologizing.

 

I am at a loss. I have been to IC and sought advise from multiple forums, friends etc. She tells me we're going to be okay, and it just takes time, but puts forth no effort. She tells her friends (they have told me and shown me and I've looked st her phone)that she doesn't know, she thinks about leaving everyday, she doesn't like me, she doesn't respect me etc. all just horrible things. She resents that she is a stay st home mom (her choice, never prevented her from working), but my income is such that we don't really need a second.

 

I know this all takes time. I know it's a difficult situation. I love her with my entire heart. I can't imagine my life without her, but I am starting to think I might have to. I have myself a deadline of when school was up, that is this week. But I am still unsure of what to do or what I want. She is an emotional rollercoaster, and understandable. She refuses to accept any part of her part in this. Which bothers me,but I think I can get past it. She shows no respect for me. She shows no love for me. She sits around most of the time and rarely does any chores or necessary tasks around the house (she has been heavily smoking pot lately, more than usual).

 

Am I wasting my time? Do I give it more time? Do I just go file now? So lost and confused; hurt and dazed. This is the love of my life and I feel like it's probably over.

Edited May 23, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Threads merged ~6

[Mrs. John Adams]

Why do you think our answers today will be different than yesterdays?

 

nothing has changed. You are in the same boat with the same albatross around your neck.

 

You tell us what you think you should do

 

How would you advise someone in your story? what would you tell them?

[Just a Guy]

Hi Saddad, sorry for your situation but quite frankly, I think a lot of it has been brought on by you. That said it is obvious that your wife is just not into reconciling. She seems to be occupying herself getting high on pot and blowing up your hard earned money on "Project?" which you are afraid to question her about. All your posts seem to indicate that you are handling her with kid gloves just as a bomb disposal expert handles a bomb in a public place and for the same reasons. A bomb can explode if handled like any other object so it has to be handled very carefully. The same is true of your wife. If she is not handled with kid gloves she will explode and so you tip toe around her like she is a "Touch me not" plant which will shrink and curl up(read explode in her case) and so she gets to do whatever she wants while you fret and fume on the side limes.

 

You want a quick and effective solution to your problem? Then stop beating about the bush, file for divorce and have her served. If what you say about her being madly in love with you is true then that one proactive deed from you will get her off her cloud 9 pedestal faster than greased lightning and working overtime to recover your marriage. If , on the other hand, you have misread her and she is NOT madly in love with you she will continue with her current routine and won't care two hoots as yo what you are doing. So your "Open Sesame" magic trick is just to file for divorce, have her served and then sit back and watch the fun. You can always halt the divorce proceeding if you see positive actions on her part. If nothing positive from her then you ate already well on your way to freedom from her. A SAHW who sits on her a.. all day and smokes pot and blows up your money on "Projects" which do no good to anyone but her needs to be treated with scant respect. Sorry to sound harsh but difficult times need harsh solutions. Warm wishes