My 7 year relationship breakup

[M3ll0]

I am on the opposite end of this. I was also in a relationship for 7 years and we both cheated. All I can say is that , if she doesn't even show remorse for what she did to you then what's the point of wanting her back. I show remorse to my ex and he some how appreciates that I still care even though I'm the cause of the breakup. If she really cares she should be begging you to stay. Just my opinion.

 

 

 

 

 

Hey Love Shack Community I wanted to share my story and thank you to those who read my story and those who can advise I truly appreciate it.

 

Background

I met my Ex in university I was 22 and she was 20 now I am 30 and she is 27. I stole her from another relationship she was in of 6 years. She was my first everything we moved in together after 1 year where we spent almost everyday together and we were inseparable we did everything together. We had 0 family around so we were always there for each other.

 

Why we broke up

After 7 together I found out she cheated on me. She had an affair from March until December I found about the affair in December. After I found out we decided it was best to move out and take a break from each other. Though we decided to give it a try and fix things.

 

I also had the unfortunate situation of losing my mother to cancer while I was in the process of moving out. We decided to take a 2 week no contact to give each other space. I found out she continued to talk to the guy and see him during our no contact break. I should of ended it right then and there when she cheated again but I just didn't have the strength to throw away the 7 years. She never came clean once and I had to slowly find out through snooping the truth of what had happened. It still stings that I gave her multiple chances to come clean and to try to fix the relationship but I never sensed a great deal of effort from her to try to fix it. We continued to see each other on and off until April 1st when I finally broke it off.

 

I realized she maybe having grass is greener on the other side syndrome and we both have not dated a lot of people so I gave her an ultimatum. We are both allowed to date other people to give each other space and but if you want to continue to have a relationship with me that guy cant be in the picture. She choose not to let that guy go. So I ended it though at times I feel regret. I felt it was the right thing to do. She clearly did not respect me or the relationship anymore so I did the only thing I felt I could do. It still hurts breaking away from her. The part that hurts the most the person she had an affair with there was no future with him. He is married with 2 kids and is in Vancouver while we are in Toronto. I still dont understand why she would throw away everything we have for something like that.

 

My realizations during NC

We would of been together 8 years on May 27th if this never happened when I think of that day coming it still makes me sad. I realized after we finalized the break up I was naive that if she cheated on her first real boyfriend she would never do that to me. I don't want to blame myself but I realized why the relationship had started to go down. I became very negative on life though I had a very successful financial career and started my own business I was always negative and was not much fun to be around. I had almost 0 social life I choose to focus on work or smoke pot and play video games. I had let myself go physically I was almost borderline obese. I stopped putting my best foot forward and I became too pleasing to all her needs and stopped being a man. I had this comfort and mentality that I don't need to improve and unless she broke up with me or cheated on me I was never going to change. So I accept some blame for her looking elsewhere and I learned from it. Why is it that she did all these horrible things to me I still want her back so bad. It kills me that she hasn't called me to say she is super sorry and that she misses me. She called once or twice after but I ignored the calls because I know it wasn't to say lets get back together but to serve her own selfish withdrawal from the relationship. She left some texts about her missing me but I didn't bite only discussed business from our joint accounts and that was it.

 

Since I found about the affair I frantically started to work on myself since at first to try to win her back. Now I am constantly back and forth I want her back or no I can do better. I keep telling myself work on myself and if down the line she comes back I will be a better person. I truly believe we had something special but we need some time apart to grow and if we are there it will be meant to be. I do realize if there is any shot of getting back she needs to make some serious changes on communication and obviously her honesty and loyalty. I miss her so much I wish she wanted to get back together and change as much as I do. At the same time maybe in those months or years I will be completely different and so will she.

 

What I am doing to cope

At first I drowned myself in drugs and alcohol but I realized that just numbed my progress at recovery. Slept around as well (not proud and didnt help at all). I went to therapy since January, I made some huge lifestyle changes I started to get fit again I lost 30 lbs (healthy weight loss) and started to reach out to old/new friends and work on myself to becoming a better catch. I started eating better in January and cut out all drugs since Mid April. I have really kept myself busy started reading a lot of books and keeping myself occupied.

 

The biggest issues I am having guys though I made so much progress I have times where I miss her so much. I want to show her how much I have changed. I have surrounded myself with positive friends and people who are there for me and they all say just needs time. Only way to take her back is if she comes back to me. Though I ended it she has to show me she has changed as well and wants me back I realize that seems impossible at this point. I have maintained NC and cut her off from all social media and I continue to better myself. Though sometimes I tell myself I am doing great and she will miss me. Then I have days where I want to call her and try again. Why do I keep regressing when I made so much progress on myself.

[djung87]

I am on the opposite end of this. I was also in a relationship for 7 years and we both cheated. All I can say is that , if she doesn't even show remorse for what she did to you then what's the point of wanting her back. I show remorse to my ex and he some how appreciates that I still care even though I'm the cause of the breakup. If she really cares she should be begging you to stay. Just my opinion.

 

For you did you want your ex back at all after sometime? Or were you so far gone you had no desire to be with your ex anymore?

[djung87]

Well I broke a big rule of NC today. I DID NOT MESSAGE OR CALL HER. One of my close friends who still has her on some of his social media gave me the option to see or not. I initially declined but after a lot of time it wouldn't leave my mind so I looked. HUGE mistake ruined my entire evening and the next day. It was just one snapchat of the guy she cheated on me with and her. Its gone now since snapchat is temporary.

 

 

I guess my question is was this her trying to send a message to me to react? I feel like me not responding to her texts pushed her away from me to do this and get back at me or for me fight for her...Maybe its just the heavy attachment I have for her still. I keep thinking we can work it out and if I promised her security we could of worked it out. Same time we aren't together anymore and whatever she does should not bother me. It's getting weaker but I still have miss her and keep thinking she will come to her senses and try to come back.

[djung87]

I have done strict NC since May 14th and LC since April 23rd when we were finishing up our business. Its been very up and down but the lows haven't bad been as low as it was.

 

Hey guys and gals. I am slowly recovering and doing better. I have a few things still to wrap up with the ex. She still has a few items that I need to collect from her would it be best to have me not see her at all and have a friend collect the items? I am pretty sure I can be normal and business like but I don't want to risk my recovery.

 

I am kind of at the point where I want nothing to do with her and have and no desire to ever see or speak to her again. Just wanted some advice on the LS community. None of the items are of importance but its to finally just wrap up the break up.

 

I realized to recover from a breakup its important to express it or talk about it to process the breakup. If anyone wants to ever message on skype or just talk about their situation let me know I would be happy to just listen and be supportive like this community has been for me.

 

Thanks LS community it has been a long and tough road but I am getting better and to those going through a hard break up it does get better.

[Marc878]

Well I broke a big rule of NC today. I DID NOT MESSAGE OR CALL HER. One of my close friends who still has her on some of his social media gave me the option to see or not. I initially declined but after a lot of time it wouldn't leave my mind so I looked. HUGE mistake ruined my entire evening and the next day. It was just one snapchat of the guy she cheated on me with and her. Its gone now since snapchat is temporary.

 

I hope you learned a good lesson here.

 

I guess my question is was this her trying to send a message to me to react? I feel like me not responding to her texts pushed her away from me to do this and get back at me or for me fight for her...Maybe its just the heavy attachment I have for her still. I keep thinking we can work it out and if I promised her security we could of worked it out. Same time we aren't together anymore and whatever she does should not bother me. It's getting weaker but I still have miss her and keep thinking she will come to her senses and try to come back.

 

Nope, it was just breadcrumbs noting more. If she wanted to get in touch she would have. You missed out on nothing.

[Marc878]

I have done strict NC since May 14th and LC since April 23rd when we were finishing up our business. Its been very up and down but the lows haven't bad been as low as it was.

 

Hey guys and gals. I am slowly recovering and doing better. I have a few things still to wrap up with the ex. She still has a few items that I need to collect from her would it be best to have me not see her at all and have a friend collect the items? I am pretty sure I can be normal and business like but I don't want to risk my recovery.

 

Have a friend pick them up. Look what happened last contact

 

I am kind of at the point where I want nothing to do with her and have and no desire to ever see or speak to her again. Just wanted some advice on the LS community. None of the items are of importance but its to finally just wrap up the break up.

 

I realized to recover from a breakup its important to express it or talk about it to process the breakup. If anyone wants to ever message on skype or just talk about their situation let me know I would be happy to just listen and be supportive like this community has been for me.

 

Thanks LS community it has been a long and tough road but I am getting better and to those going through a hard break up it does get better.

 

Your young, hard no contact. Don't waste anymore time on this.

[Funny bunny]

I have done strict NC since May 14th and LC since April 23rd when we were finishing up our business. Its been very up and down but the lows haven't bad been as low as it was.

 

Hey guys and gals. I am slowly recovering and doing better. I have a few things still to wrap up with the ex. She still has a few items that I need to collect from her would it be best to have me not see her at all and have a friend collect the items? I am pretty sure I can be normal and business like but I don't want to risk my recovery.

 

I am kind of at the point where I want nothing to do with her and have and no desire to ever see or speak to her again. Just wanted some advice on the LS community. None of the items are of importance but its to finally just wrap up the break up.

 

I realized to recover from a breakup its important to express it or talk about it to process the breakup. If anyone wants to ever message on skype or just talk about their situation let me know I would be happy to just listen and be supportive like this community has been for me.

 

Thanks LS community it has been a long and tough road but I am getting better and to those going through a hard break up it does get better.

 

 

 

Hey I'm going through a breakup after four years on and off. I am totally available to communicate. I'm about two weeks after NC so I'm going through ups and downs. Maybe we can talk when I'm at really low points? I've been following your thread and it sounds like you've made progress and you give me hope.

[Funny bunny]

How are you doing today?

[fredvasco12]

Be patient - your destiny will come to you)

[djung87]

How are you doing today?

 

It goes guys and girls. I went from I can't live without her and I would do anything to get her back to why do I even want this person back? It's been a heck of a discovery journey and trying to find meaning and how to fill this void. I have cut out a lot of bad habits and looked at the mirror of who I became while I was with my ex and I made a lot of effort to change. I gave her everything and like many of us do that's how we lose ourselves and it leaves us empty and unfilled and it kills attraction in our partners. Never leave your happiness in the hands of others not saying be a jerk to everyone but be a little selfish and love yourself and put yourself first.

 

It is a slow process but I did not become like this overnight either it takes a lot of effort to change habits and create new ones. When we lose our partners we will heal just heal with healthy habits that benefit you and I am doing that. Results are not quick and they aren't meant to be lasting changes take a lot of effort. Yes the scars of betrayal will always be there but it's gotten less over time and ultimately it allowed me to move forward in my life. Looking inside I wasn't happy what I have become overweight, lack of confidence, unmotivated, bitter, unhappy, and antisocial. Without this breakup I wouldn't of changed so in that I look at the bright side of it. To those going through a hard breakup you have to pick yourself as it must come from within. Be kind to yourself love yourself and the rest will follow and you will heal and be better off.

 

Though I have my bad days and of course I have thoughts of my ex she was there for 8 years and was my first everything I will always treasure the happy moments and it hurts losing our idealized future but remember it was just that an ideal. In reality we were unhappy and stuck in our comfort zone and sadly we weren't mature enough to figure that out and that's why we failed our relationship. No idea what the future will bring but right now I'm focusing on learning to be happy on my own as I feel I have developed a unhealthy attachment of being with someone to be happy. I want to be able to be happy with myself and have my mind right then maybe a great gal that deserves me will come along.

 

If anyone wants to chat my email is in my profile and hit me up.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Your post really resonated with me. Timing is everything and with everything that I have gone through and my mind today, your words of wisdom was just what I needed to hear. So thank you for that!

 

Glad you have made it to the other side!

[Lazy Fox]

When people get in relationships nowadays it's to live a fantasy. When the guy she's with gets complacent or the allure is gone she'll wander and perhaps the same for the guy with a gal. True relationships is to deal with these changes and help their partner improved and evolve with them but that art is essential dead today like the landline telephone in a home or a typewriter, pagers, chat rooms, exclusive AM radio stations, and analog broadcast television.

 

This is so well said. I will remember this, thank you.

My ex split up with me over arguments about religion etc, and i believe she had this ideal relationship in her mind, in which we'd never argue or disagree. It just doesn't work like that.

[Lazy Fox]

How are you doing today?

 

How are you today, Bunny? I hope that everything is good for you, and i hope that your no contact is working well.

There's plenty of us here to support you if you need it.

 

Stay strong and preoccupy yourself

[djung87]

Wow its been a while I have posted. I just wanted to share with Loveshack my progress. I have read a lot of threads over my recovery and all the help it has given me on my road to recovery.

 

I have continued to find my own happiness and did not allow this to stop my progress. I have hit the highest I have ever hit in my career and my own business. I am slowly growing more independent and realizing what I need to do to make myself happy. Keep working on yourself and hitting goals guys/gals it will help you find self confidence and happiness again.

 

Give it time guys/gals if you ever been cheated on or dealing with a tough breakup it will get better.

 

After 4 months of completely dead no contact and the final exchange of our goods through a close friend of mine. I still have not spoken or broken no contact at all. She wrote me a letter....I am so far in my progress of my recovery that this is bitter sweet yet so sad at the same time. How do I interpret this?

 

In case its a bit much to read the entire story...short version she cheated on me for 8 months hid it and lied about it and when I gave her the chance to break it off and work on the relationship she refused to let the other guy go. The other guy is married and has 2 kids. After she refused to work on us I cut it off and refused to speak with her since.

 

This is what she wrote to me.

 

Hey,

 

How are you? I've been going back and forth on writing you this letter and I finally decided to do it because I felt that it's time and I need to do this so that I can close this chapter and move on. It hasn't been easy for me emotionally since we broke up. I still think about you everyday and praying for your well-being. There was a period of time where I felt depressed and couldn't stop mentally punishing myself for what I did. Sometimes I still feel that I'm a horrible person. I want you to know that I regret my actions deeply and the way our relationship ended. You meant more than anyone to me and I'm sorry I didn't fight harder for us. I should have been honest with you when my feelings were changing towards you. Perhaps we would still have a chance then. But instead I was in denial for a long time and running away from being truthful to you. I am so sorry how things went down between us and I wish I could take on all the pain because you didn't deserve any of it. At times the feeling of guilt is overwhelming. I've learned that dwelling on the past and feeling about the things I did are not doing me or anyone around me any good. All I can do now is learn from my mistakes and try to be the best I can be moving forward. The present is where we are and all we have to be happy. Live in the now, not the past or future. I hope you do the same and find your happiness. I've loved you and will always have a special place in my heart.

 

-Her name-

 

Guys my initial thoughts were she was just doing this out of her own guilt. Or she is fishing I have no idea. I really want to reach out but it feels like a mistake. Any advice or suggestions?