Not sure what answers I'm looking for here.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Then, late that night I got a text (out of character) telling me his wife saw the previous text because she was in the vehicle with him. He told me she thought there was something between us and it caused a huge argument.

 

I was very surprised. Why would he even tell me that? I didn't respond. Told him the next day I would change my approach if it was causing problems or making her uncomfortable. He just kind of shrugged it off. Told me she was just over thinking and not to worry about it.

 

He continues to share his life story with me daily. We didn't speak about the incident with his wife again. He told me I wasn't doing anything wrong, not to worry about it and that was that.

 

Yet, I've been unable to just let it go. Why would he even bring it up?

 

After giving this more thought I believe that he made up the entire "my wife saw the text" scenario. This was his low-risk method of broaching the subject of an inappropriate relationship.

 

You didn't take the bait so it's now a "no harm, no foul" response from him. He was hoping to up the ante on the relationship without losing face if you declined.

[BetrayedH]

I will be the third to recommend the book, Not Just Friends.

 

It's a wise investment. It will open your eyes and I'd be amazed if it doesn't improve your marriage.

[Unforseen]

I think it is possible for men and women to just be friends. One of my closest friends is a woman. An exGF from high school actually. It's really kind of funny. She became a BS not long before I did and I have leaned heavily on her experiences through the struggles and pain and hard work of an R she and her WH have been going through. It has been very helpful for me to be able to openly vent to someone who has had the same experiences and not worry about filtering my thoughts as I share them to avoid sounding mean or unloving. She has been able to pick me apart and call me out when I'm trying to white wash things or otherwise hide the truth even from myself.

 

Now here's how it works: strict boundaries and total transparency. Her WH and my WW have full knowledge of our conversations. Nothing is deleted and I share it with my WW anytime and usually every time we text (she and her H live out of state). There are strict boundaries regarding our conversations. I do not share anything with her that I have not first shared with my WW. And even then, I let my WW set any other restrictions regarding things she would rather i not share. Another strict rule is that I will not spend time texting my friend if it takes away from time that could be spent with my WW. It works and we have a great friendship and there is no cause for concern or jealousy on anyone's part.

 

The friendship does mean a lot to me, but my marriage means more.

[Thisguy21]

Alright after that last post and your husband knowing you are buying a gift, I'm back to my original stance. Although I personally wouldn't be comfortable with my wife having hour long conversations, if your husband knows and it doesn't bother him, then it doesn't seem like you are trying to hide anything based on your words. You got your friend a gift and your husband was even in on it. Nothing to hide on your part. It is perfectly acceptable to have a friend of the opposite sex regardless of what all the jaded individuals on this site want you to believe. Just because they themselves or their spouses don't have good character and make poor decision and lack respect for their spouses and the boundaries in place, certainly doesn't mean that applies to you and everyone else. All that you have said about your relationship with your friend is the same that I would describe with my close female friend. One who I care about and have purchased a birthday gift for and all of that. We text nearly every day and I don't have anything to hide and my wife is more then welcome in on our conversation. I consider her my best friend even though she probably doesn't think of me in the same light.

 

It is certainly ok to have a friend of the opposite sex, but if they are stepping over the boundaries and disrespecting your marriage, then it's time to cut them out of your life. If you feel he is disrespectful to your marriage in any way, be done with him. Otherwise carry on with your friendship and dont take to heart what a lot of these damaged goods folks on this forum will try to tell you about emotional affairs. Because for some of them, practically just saying "hello" to a member of the opposite sex is the same thing as an emotional affair, even if it couldn't be farther from the truth.

[Overtaxed]

I think it is possible for men and women to just be friends. One of my closest friends is a woman. An exGF from high school actually. It's really kind of funny. She became a BS not long before I did and I have leaned heavily on her experiences through the struggles and pain and hard work of an R she and her WH have been going through. It has been very helpful for me to be able to openly vent to someone who has had the same experiences and not worry about filtering my thoughts as I share them to avoid sounding mean or unloving. She has been able to pick me apart and call me out when I'm trying to white wash things or otherwise hide the truth even from myself.

 

Now here's how it works: strict boundaries and total transparency. Her WH and my WW have full knowledge of our conversations. Nothing is deleted and I share it with my WW anytime and usually every time we text (she and her H live out of state). There are strict boundaries regarding our conversations. I do not share anything with her that I have not first shared with my WW. And even then, I let my WW set any other restrictions regarding things she would rather i not share. Another strict rule is that I will not spend time texting my friend if it takes away from time that could be spent with my WW. It works and we have a great friendship and there is no cause for concern or jealousy on anyone's part.

 

The friendship does mean a lot to me, but my marriage means more.

 

And this is a great description of "what it takes" to just be friends. Total transparency, no meeting in private, boundaries regarding the conversation topics. And I'm confident this approach will work for you; but, I would ask a question. Is the woman at all attractive? I know you said you dated, but is she "in your league" or you in her's anymore? If not, that's takes a lot of the sexual tension out of the air and it's far easier to maintain a friendship.

 

Also, I'll note something, what you're describing (don't take this the wrong way) sounds like the restrictions government contractors have when meeting with vendors. Total transparency means that your friendship with her is never like it would be with another man. You can't vent to her about your real issues, because, often those real issues will be your W, and if you know she's going to read those messages, of course you never send them. I'm not saying this is bad, but it's not the same as a same sex friendship where you don't have all these "rules" to follow. It may well be a great relationship and it's worth maintaining because of the length of time you have been friends, but, end of the day, it's not something I'd seek out; why not just be friends with a man and not have my wife worrying about reading my TXTs at the end of the day?

[understand50]

wonderingin22land,

 

I guess another take, and I think you are already, is "Be on your guard with this guy" Be more open with your husband with him, let him know, and you can do in a non-emotional way, that you talk to your husband.

 

I wish you luck.....

[Unforseen]

And this is a great description of "what it takes" to just be friends. Total transparency, no meeting in private, boundaries regarding the conversation topics. And I'm confident this approach will work for you; but, I would ask a question. Is the woman at all attractive? I know you said you dated, but is she "in your league" or you in her's anymore? If not, that's takes a lot of the sexual tension out of the air and it's far easier to maintain a friendship.Yes, a physical attraction. Our relationship stopped years ago because she had to move away. So in addition to a physical attraction we parted on amicable terms and even tried a long distance relationship for a few months. Hence part of the reason for the government restrictions. On the other hand we are both BSes and know the pain and destruction any failing or breaking of our boundaries would cause.

 

Also, I'll note something, what you're describing (don't take this the wrong way) sounds like the restrictions government contractors have when meeting with vendors. Total transparency means that your friendship with her is never like it would be with another man. You can't vent to her about your real issues, because, often those real issues will be your W, and if you know she's going to read those messages, of course you never send them. I'm not saying this is bad, but it's not the same as a same sex friendship where you don't have all these "rules" to follow. It may well be a great relationship and it's worth maintaining because of the length of time you have been friends, but, end of the day, it's not something I'd seek out; why not just be friends with a man and not have my wife worrying about reading my TXTs at the end of the day?

 

In many ways it would be easier. And I do have several male friends and when we hang out there is indeed the usual venting about marital issues. What they are thankfully missing is any experience with infedelity. That is where the experiences of my gal pal are more useful. As far as filtering, my WW has the understanding that it's a read at your own risk kind of situation when she is feeling insecure and needs to read over my conversations. It's unconventional for sure, but there is no secrecy or need for it and none of the spouses feel like they are being shorted time, attention, or energy. That, however, is the only way it works and the only reason it is not an emotional affair. If it ever crossed that line the friendship would have to end. We both know that and make sure those boundaries are not crossed.

[Thisguy21]

To me the issue here is that if everything you say is true and your relationship is strictly platonic, your friends wife still sees it at disrespectful to their marriage. So it's time to back off. That is the respectful thing to do in this situation. No matter if both of you guys feel her reaction to a strictly platonic relationship is unfounded, they are still her feelings and a true friend wouldn't get in the way of another person's relationship with their spouse.

 

I would just tell him "out if respect for your marriage and your wife, I'm not going to engage you in personal banter because I don't want to drive a wedge between you guys. Please, let's just keep our discussions on work from this moment on. If our friendship is making your wife uncomfortable, then we can't continue it."

 

So yeah, back off. Would you want your husband to have a friendship that drove a wedge between you two? How would you feel if that shoe were on the other foot? I think we both know that answer so act accordingly.

[wonderingin22land]

Thanks again for everyone's input.

 

I'm definitely toning down and backing away from this friendship.

 

Mainly because either one of two things happened.

 

1) His wife was previously unaware we even had a friendship, misinterpreted the text, and got upset.

 

2) He completely made it up.

 

If it's 1 then a few things bother me.

A) His wife didn't know about the friendship. I never considered this as when I sent the gift I mailed it to his home and didn't try to hide who it was from. Since there wasn't any misguided intent on my end I didn't perceive that being an issue.

B) If she was upset, and he valued that, he should have backed away either without saying anything or casually mentioned his wife thought we were getting too close and out of respect he was going to follow her request and back off.

C) Bringing it to my attention and shrugging it off, even if she is off base, doesn't put them on the same team.

 

If my husband were to ever become upset about one of my friendships the conversation we would have would be a private conversation. It would be an issue to address in our marriage and up to me to decide how to handle. Bringing another person in clearly breaks that and crosses a line IMO.

 

I guess that's why it hit me the way it did. Because even without telling me he had feelings he showed me a break in trust with his wife I never expected... Does that make sense?

[Cephalopod]

This man was grooming you. It may not have seemed that way but he was.

 

People in LS bag on me for making generalizations, but I will make one observation that I think MOST men on this forum would agree with:

 

A man doesn't make friends with a woman just for the sole sake of being friends with her. Every man, unless he's gay, has an expectation that at some point soon, or years down the road, the friendship will turn into something else, or that sex will be the result.

[Chi townD]

This friendship was moving past the point of just a "friendship" and more of an emotional affair. I kind of got that vibe when you stated that you had a family member pass away and "it was nice to have someone that understood".

 

Someone already stated that if his wife is having a problem with this "friendship" then it needs to back off. To which I don't think you took too kindly to that.

 

So, was this a friendship? Sure. Was this an emotional affair? I think it was on the cusp and definitely working that direction. So, I wouldn't think that this friendship is worth the hassle that it has already caused. You're heading into the deep end on this.

[merrmeade]

I guess that's why it hit me the way it did. Because even without telling me he had feelings he showed me a break in trust with his wife I never expected... Does that make sense?

Good for you, wondering! You've presented your story clearly and consistently and acknowledged a range of interpretations with tact and understanding.

 

I think that we have seen certain patterns repeated many times and more often than not, the same formula repeats itself. However, in your case, I see an important difference. I think you had and still have your priorities straight and understand the importance of transparency in your marriage. You've shared everything about your co-worker friendship with your husband while apparently he did not, with his wife. Not that I think you need to point this out to him because that really might be the tipping point into up close and (too) personal.

 

I think that the suggestion that you read "Not Just Friends" is an excellent one and that you will know what to do with the information. It is also a good suggestion because of the nature of your job. Perhaps, YOU are clear about the parameters of your interactions with your coworkers, but maybe they are not. Think about it: You were selected to do this job precisely because you are good at handling the many nuances and levels of conversation and exchanges of information. You probably are very resourceful with language and can choose words appropriately to guide conversations so that your company's goals are achieved and leave participants feeling good about the exchange.

 

There are some red flags nevertheless. For one, there's the fact that this kind of closeness has not happened before. There's also the fact that you described the history in such detail, rather than just a general statement of concern about how the coworker is interpreting your interactions. And then, it's surprising that you're so naive about the potential for inappropriate intimacy between male and female coworkers when you deal with so many people all the time.

 

I think it's very important for you to realize that you are as vulnerable as anyone and that you have your blind spots, the same as anyone. It's critical that you read the Not Just Friends book to learn that situations and circumstances can generate feelings; they do not always develop because of conscious intent. This book describes these situations and circumstances as well as the way people's thinking can change without their realizing.

 

There are also studies about how much time men and women spend with each other and the kinds of things they talk about (becoming more and more intimate) that almost inevitably results in emotional closeness becoming physical. I think it's important for you to learn and think a whole lot more about this field, so that you can prevent and preclude those situations and circumstances that will get you thinking and feeling in ways that you WON'T want to share with your husband.

 

Anyway, enough said in my opinion. You've been warned. You just need to understand why and maybe what those patterns are that make all of us jump to alarm at such a story as yours.

[QuietDan]

It appears that there is more than enough chemistry between the two of you for and affair.

It is apparent now, that the subject has been broached for both of you as a line of thought. You both are now at a critical thinking, tempting, pondering....it's on both of your minds. And.. you both know the other one knows it as well....

Usually the next step involve with two people in your situation, is, you both go back to your corners... cool off a bit, try to play it down, pretend it didn't happen.

In a day or two, a week or two, maybe even in a month or two, what temporary boundaries that were hastily put up will have fallen away...

You both are going to be seeing each other in a different way now.

He will start to test the waters, more and more,

You will playfully deflect and playfully protest with less and less conviction.

Then,

Somehow, someway, the two of you will .... start to turn this into a physical affair.

The chemistry is here.... this story line too common....

 

Assuming the whole phone text thing with his wife is on the up and up...

She was alarmed, rightly so, because she knows her husband well enough to realize that he is/has become emotionally involved with you.

 

You may be surprised to find out that you may be a bit more emotionally involved with him than you realize.

If things cool off for a short time between you two, he pulls back a bit, I wouldn't be surprised to find out that you will find yourself missing him.

....

Hmmm.... maybe that is also part of dynamics on how affairs get started between two formerly loyal spouses...

...

If you do not want to be in a physical affair with him, I would suggest you stay on your guard, avoid getting into any one on one situations with the other man for any reason.

I am kind of thinking the fuse might have just gotten lit... you may be in the count down period now...

Edited May 13, 2017 by QuietDan

[Overtaxed]

This man was grooming you. It may not have seemed that way but he was.

 

People in LS bag on me for making generalizations, but I will make one observation that I think MOST men on this forum would agree with:

 

A man doesn't make friends with a woman just for the sole sake of being friends with her. Every man, unless he's gay, has an expectation that at some point soon, or years down the road, the friendship will turn into something else, or that sex will be the result.

 

Honestly, this is all you (and pretty much every other woman out there) needs to know. I don't want to disparage either women or men, but, it's simply the way we are; take a look at the video I posted, yes, it's done with a humorous bent, however, let me promise you, it won't be at all funny when you fall into something physical with this man and blow your life up.

 

Can men/women be friends? Yes, if there's absolutely no sexual chemistry/tension there at all. If there's even an inkling of sexual tension, the answer, IMHO, is "no". And sexual tension can occur (and often does) only on one side, the man can pine for the woman and, guess what, you still can't be friends. Because the man isn't being truthful about the nature of the relationship; he doesn't care to be your friend, he's using that friendship as a stepping stone to sleeping with you.

 

This all sounds sad until you realize there are billions of women out there for you to be friends with. Plenty of people you can talk to, relate to, and enjoy their company (and, of course, same for men with other men). Ask yourself, is this friendship worth losing your relationship/marriage over? If so, you've almost certainly already crossed the line into an EA. If not, end it, and protect your marriage and your spouse. It's not worth losing your spouse, I promise you that, no friendship is.

[wonderingin22land]

It appears from many of the comments here, many believe a man and a woman cannot be strictly friends. I simply do not believe that.

 

As I said, my entire life I have had more male than female friends. Never before has anything regarding the aspect of "something more" been even broached. Only once, that I know of has another spouse had a problem and that one took me and my husband completely off guard. When my husband and I started dating at 18 my best friend was a 4 year younger guy. We lost contact since we both moved and it was before internet was prevalent. Years later I found him on Facebook. I was so excited. Told my husband I hoped to see him soon as I had written to tell him I loved him amd missed him. My obliviousness cost me that friendship because as soon as he wife saw it she made sure he blocked me. Only found out the reason years later when I mentioned it to another friend. In front of my husband I said, "Joe friended me on Facebook a couple of years ago, but immediately blocked me." My friend responded, "When Veronica saw what you wrote she was really upset and threatened to leave him if he replied at all and didn't block you." My husband was the one who actually then spoke up with, "Did she not realize how close they were? I mean they were like brother and sister. Clearly she misunderstood (my) meaning of love there."

 

Another close friend of mine passed away 5 years ago. My husband held me when I cried for months and, since I was a SAHM, at the time was the one who took me and paid for my memorium tattoo.

 

I've had other friends who were more into the type of music and art I was than my husband was. We would go to events together. For certain shows they would pick me up at home and hang out with my husband before we left, others my husband may go downtown and have dinner with us, then a friend and I go to a new art show. A previous male coworker and I went to lunch multiple times a week. My husband never met him, only what I told him, but never had a problem with it. Now, this friend is gay, but my husband and I didn't know that for a few years. I was the first one the friend came out to, but it didn't change our friendship in the least. Once there was a coworker my husband met, he told me that guy gives him the creeps and he didn't like how he looks at me. I responded I wouldn't ever be friends with that guy. We never were. But my husband never mentioned him again, he knew he didn't have to.

 

I write all this to say, yes, men and women can be friends. There is not always the expectation of something more. Growing up I had a brother, and all male cousins, and overall am not too feminine when it comes to hair, makeup, etc.

 

Before anyone asks, yes I have a good many female friends as well. Just not pointing out those relationships as they do not pertain to this thread.

 

The main thing is my husband trusts me. And equally important, I trust me. Yes, cheating would hurt my husband, which I never want to do, but it would hurt and change me more. My whole life my parents instilled in me to love and accept myself first, as I was the only relationship I would be in my entire life. Quite frankly, cheating would destroy my relationship with me and that's one I'm not willing to ever put in jeopardy!

 

This time the man may have misinterpreted. But I didn't, and like others stated it takes two to tango and I'm not interested in tangoing!

 

My main concern now is ensuring this doesn't impact our work. From the middle of this week on we didn't really talk. It was troubling I had to call/email multiple times for him to answer a couple of questions I had to have answered for work. All of a sudden he was "very busy and hadn't had a chance to respond." I know that's bull**** because how long does it take to answer a yes or no work question. Why he reacted this way I can't say...maybe he's heeding his wife's wishes, maybe he wants me to miss him, maybe he's as confused by the whole thing as I am. Who knows...and at this point I don't really care to know as I do not wish to discuss it with him. I just want to make sure we keep getting the job done. I'm cool with letting this all go, not being friends in any capacity, and just working...my hope is he will be able to do that as well.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Wondering, your whole thread has been an object lesson in how to set your boundaries and adhere to them. While I admire your complete honesty and transparency of intent, I also agree with the others that the situation you found yourself in could have been the proverbial slippery slope for most people who were not so crystal clear in their intent or whose boundaries were not so clearly and rigidly demarcated. In your case you have first, to be honest and transparent with your self and second you have to be honest and transparent with your husband. I guess you win on both counts. From the way you have written it is appears that you are a one man woman and need only your husband to fulfill your emotional and other needs. The same is apparently true for your husband with respect to you. With clear cut and rigid boundaries I think one cannot go wrong. It is only when boundaries are woolly and flexible that people who are otherwise upstanding members of society go wrong. Warm wishes.

[Poutrew]

The guy is setting you up. He wants to see how far you will go while at the same time copping to 'plausible deniability' if it doesn't work out... thing is, how do you feel about him? If you found out he had suddenly died how would you feel? Would you be in line for a memoriam tattoo the next day? Would you be crying for months and months and entering into a tailspin of depression? Do you always find ways to bring up this guy to your husband? How close you are to doing these things tells you how effectively he has reeled you in... in my work environment, I really don't give a crap about anyone. I would be 'shocked' at someone's sudden death for maybe 5 minutes, then be wondering who gets the office space next. Maybe that's cruel, or heartless, but I know if I were the one to buy the farm, my 'colleagues' would be like a pack of hungry dogs ripping my lifeless corpse to bits for a free meal... If there weren't a free luncheon after the funeral, no one would be there at all But in this impersonal world, that's how it is. Think thrice before befriending business colleagues...

[wonderingin22land]

Poutrew, bizarre response...

Like many of my colleagues who live around the country, yes I would shed tears. I would make arrangements to fly to his service as I'm sure many of our other colleagues would. I sense condescension in the tattoo comment. The friend I got that for was a friend whom I had been very close with for 13 years. He was also my husband's friend, although they were not nearly as close as the guy and I. No, I would not spiral into months of depression, but I'm sure it would be painful for quite some time.

 

Seriously, there is a huge leap from the question I presented and my response to the current situation to how I would feel if he (or anyone I consider a friend or coworker) suddenly died.

[Poutrew]

Well, sorry I couldn't help you. In what I do, friendships between co workers is really frowned upon. Everything is compartmentalized and friendships lead to security breaches. You are asking for re-assignment if you develop any unsanctioned associations, and you are expected to self-report infractions. Your friend giving you that message about his wife really jumped out at me... and he'd be gone in a flash for doing it. Those suggestions I gave, including the tattoo were just ways to self assess how effectively he has drawn you into his sphere of influence, for a possible emotional affair. I still think something isn't kosher about the situation , but, hey, I could be wrong. Only thing I can tell you at this point is proceed at your own risk.

[Inya]

It appears from many of the comments here, many believe a man and a woman cannot be strictly friends. I simply do not believe that.

 

I write all this to say, yes, men and women can be friends. There is not always the expectation of something more. Growing up I had a brother, and all male cousins, and overall am not too feminine when it comes to hair, makeup, etc.

 

Hi there,

I played soccer and climbed trees with boys when I was little. Of course I had female friends too, but I just got along with boys/men better than girls/women.

And my male friends never even saw me as a female but simply as a friend no matter the gender. I don't think any of them were ever phisically attracted to me. Well, we wouldn't be friends if they were. We had no problems or misunderstandings, but somethimes their women saw me as a threat. I always respectfully backed off and we lost contact. There are still a few left.

 

I think a man and a woman CAN be strictly friends but not everyone is capable of it.

[pheonixrisen]

This forum was very helpful to me many years ago when my husband and I briefly separated. Hopefully it can provide insight again.

 

As I said, my husband and I briefly separated years ago. We had gotten married young and our relationship had always been rocky. There was no cheating on either side, we just finally decided to go our own ways. In searching for ourselves we found we truly did love each other and recommitted to our marriage. It was a new marriage. It has been great.

 

A few years ago we moved to a new city, many states away from home. We love it here.

 

Moving forward. I got a job at a large company where I'm a virtual secretary. I have 20 people across the US I work remotely with. When I first came on board I was warned about one guy in particular. He was said to be abrasive and hard to deal with and nothing made him happy.

 

Being a people person I went out of my way to build a better relationship with him. He trusted me early on. When it came time for a promotion recommendation he way first in line to offer one. My boss was impressed at how well I had been able to manage his personality.

 

He is one of those rough on the outside, but once he's in your corner he is you biggest ally and supporter.

 

Our friendship has grown. We typically talk daily. Sometimes a few minutes, sometimes the total of an hour or more. It started as work stuff. Since much of the time he is driving he would tell me about his weekend, etc.

 

We lost dear family members a few months apart. It was nice having someone who understood.

 

Nothing seemed out of line. I even recounted most of the conversations to my husband. He knows my personality, so he wasn't too concerned.

 

He came to the central office at the end of 2016 for our Xmas party. He did spent a good bit of time around me, but he never tried to touch me etc. My husband was there and he was cool with meeting him, etc.

 

In all of this, I never felt anything more than friendship. After all, I had a similar relationship with some of the others I work with in the same capacity.

 

The main difference is he talks a lot...about everything. I know about his kids (grown), his hobbies, his wife's hobbies, his family drama (not against his spouse), his work frustrations, pretty much any and everything going on in his life.

 

We text every now and then. Usually a funny joke or a picture. Nothing sexual or with any innuendo ever. A smiley face rarely.

 

His bday was 2 weeks ago. I sent him a small gift.

 

I've had more male than female friends my entire life. My husband knows I despise female drama, love sports, etc. so he's always been fine with my male friends.

 

Now the confusing part. And maybe it's nothing, but... Last week I sent him a text wishing him luck on a presentation he was delivering. He replied an hour later thanks it went great.

 

Then, late that night I got a text (out of character) telling me his wife saw the previous text because she was in the vehicle with him. He told me she thought there was something between us and it caused a huge argument.

 

I was very surprised. Why would he even tell me that? I didn't respond. Told him the next day I would change my approach if it was causing problems or making her uncomfortable. He just kind of shrugged it off. Told me she was just over thinking and not to worry about it.

 

He continues to share his life story with me daily. We didn't speak about the incident with his wife again. He told me I wasn't doing anything wrong, not to worry about it and that was that.

 

Yet, I've been unable to just let it go. Why would he even bring it up? I truly value his friendship, but now I can't help but wonder if we are overstepping any bounds.

 

I've only met him once. Have no idea or plans on when I may see him again. Still should I tread lightly? Did his wife not know about our friendship prior?

 

Any advice or insight appreciated.

 

You are already crossing a few boundaries ...and You know that too plus you are as much aware of him as he is of you...you are already dissecting all his moves wanting answers and you are also looking for more to happen .

 

Your post comes across as asking us if there is something more on his part you are asking it in a sneaky way trying to hide behind the facade of how you would never do this and that and you really are of no concern and how much your husband trust you and is not concerned

 

So here is another fact I was not concerned about my dh cheating ) I knew him I knew his personality he is a people person too ...and he was also having an affair.

 

He has a wife to share his life story with as you have a husband...you should not be sharing it with each other

 

You are trying to make it okay in your head you are reasoning you are checking ...all of the above you mentioned is not okay ..you are already on slippery slope we all know how this ends

 

I have spent my Career working in big corporation firm met thousand of men in my work environment my whole life ...i have said my hellos and hi and exchanged short pleasantries talked about the weather ...went for corporate dinners and dance in all of my married life I have not singled a man out in my work place to notice that much to talk with him about his life stories when he drives home ...i would just not be comfortable doing it as I would not be comfortable if my husband did the same .

 

So yep you are already in an emotional affair. And its not okay .

[Just a Guy]

Hi Phoenix, your post has been a bit of an eye opener to me. I wrote a post earlier on in this thread commending the OP for her sterling common sense and for being grounded and having inflexible boundaries. This was inspite of others questioning her motives and implying that she was, in fact, in an emotional affair. However, your post seems to have put things in a much better perspective for me and I now think I may have been hasty in my appreciation of the OP's bonafides.

 

With what you have written and then turning over the whole question of why the OP would post about her experience in the infidelity forum if she was so confident about her boundaries and her own intentions and motivations and also the fact that she has stated that her husband has complete trust in her, it is apparent that she did come to this forum seeking opinions as to whether this guy had a romantic interest in her or not. Depending on the answers she got here she would be planning her next moves with her guy friend. Some people have suggested that this guy was grooming her to get her in bed. She obviously did not like that suggestion. She may have been waiting for someone to suggest he had a romantic interest in her. That would have warmed the cockles of her heart. Be it as it may, your post has really blown the proverbial lid off her intentions. Warm wishes.

Edited May 17, 2017 by Just a Guy

[Just a Guy]

Hi Phoenix, your post has been a bit of an eye opener to me. I wrote a post earlier on in this thread commending the OP for her sterling common sense and for being grounded and having inflexible boundaries. This was inspire of others questioning her motives and implying that she was, in fact, in an emotional affair. However, your post seems to have put things in a much better perspective for me and I now think I may have been hasty in my appreciation of the OP's bonafides. With what you have written and then turning over the whole question of why the OP would post about her experience in the infidelity forum if she was so confident about her boundaries and her own intentions and motivations and also the fact that she has stated that her husband has complete trust in her, it is apparent that she did come to this forum seeking opinions as to whether this guy had a romantic interest in her or not. Depending on the answers she got here she would be planning her next moves with her guy friend. Some people have suggested that this guy was grooming her to get her in bed. She obviously did not like that suggestion. She may have been waiting for someone to suggest he had a romantic interest in her. That would have warmed the cockles of her heart. Be it as it may, your post has really blown the proverbial lid off her intentions. Warm wishes.

[wonderingin22land]

Thought it was time for an update.

 

It's been about 3 weeks since my last post. Things at work have gotten extremely busy for both of us. With this being the case we've spoken very little in that time. Who knows if what his wife's reaction was had anything to do with it or if it's just the fact we are really busy. In my mind it doesn't really matter.

 

The times we have talked were a bit different on his end I suppose. Every conversation now is work related and very brief. I'm good with that.

 

Like I stated earlier, I work with many people all over the country. Some I have formed friendships with, others I have not. Some I talk to more when we are not busy and have limited contact with when we are busy. In the grand scheme of things I never viewed my end to be inappropriate. I can't say what his thoughts may have been as we never discussed anything in that regard. Also, not sure if he made a conscious decision to back away because he was feeling something or not. I would hope we are still friends and will be able to maintain that if that is all it was on his end (it was on mine). If not, then good for him for realizing he was interested in something more and backing away.

 

I do not feel a sense of loss or that anything is amiss since the change. I believe if deeper feelings were a part of it I would feel the need to grieve on some level. That hasn't happened on my end. We will remain coworkers...the friendship side is up to him.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Wondering, wish you the very best going forward. I guess you have been given perspectives from all the angles. It is up to you what you make of your situation. My only hope is we don't see you sometime down the line with a heart breaking story. Warm wishes.