30 yr marriage 2 kids, gone, Isolation....how to cope?

[johngalt1149]

I'm about to meet a 55 yr old gorgeous paralegal at a beach grill. Hoping for the best. Could she be the one? Many texts, many calls. Yet my Ex keeps emailing and calling my cell and I am doing my best to do the NC and I know that will be in my mind as I talk to someone new. My cells on silent and I hear the forum say don't date, learn about me but the alternative is a steak, Tv and my dog and most especially alone. I miss my ex even though toxic and I hope to replace(?) her with someone better(?). OK I recognize how dumb that sounds but I miss being married and the "honey I'm home" situation. 3 years since separation and 3 months since divorce. I miss waking up and touching the same person, doing galleries and theatre and travel and discussing with the same person and the only way I will find someone else is to keep going thru the musical chairs bit. The truth is out there and honestly it is an ego boost for a bruised ego. The music will be good, it's great weather, the beach and a very beautiful (I think) lady. I know it's not ideal, I know maybe I'm not ready, I know maybe she/they might have the wrong idea though I definitely want "the one" but again alternatively I'm alone whining about the loss of a 30 year relationship and my children contemplating dark thoughts. Crossing my fingers.

Edited May 9, 2017 by johngalt1149

[johngalt1149]

Well, had dinner and drinks, listened to the music. Not as pretty as photos methinks but kinda pretty and a bit smart, no PHD. Nice lady though. Sensual kiss goodnight, made plans for thursday. Not the one though. A new entry on Tuesday, pretty little singer, 48. Truly hate the merry go round but at least it's company and stops me from breaking NC.

[SaveYourHeart]

You are in charge of your own actions and reactions. The women you're dating are not keeping you from breaking NC. You're doing that on your own. They're unhealthy distractions and should you find someone that you actually want to date, it's unfair to them that you're not over your ex. Therapy. Focus on you.

[johngalt1149]

Why are you so pro therapy? I tried it, it didn't work. I want to date these women in the hopes of finding one and I can't very well return Ws calls when I'm on a date so in effect they do help me to keep NC. I do not like "alone". I don't think I'm hurting the ladies I date. We both have a good time. I'm a good conversationalist and funny. I treat them well. Some become friends, some become Fwb. What is wrong with that?

[Majormisstep]

John, John, John....did you know the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over while expecting different results? Trust me, I know....

 

STOP dating. You will not find your future Mrs. ex-wife (you know what I mean with this John) by dating all the available attractive women in FL. I was in your area last month and if this thread was occurring late March I would have found you and given you and good shoulder shake and smack upside the head LOL.

 

Yes, you're lonely. So many of us are after a long term marriage. But here's the thing, the only person who can cure your loneliness is YOU. Not by securely fastening yourself to another human or your past, but by being your own friend and support system first. The rest will follow. The kids will come around. Mine did too. Right now your kids are probably in their teenage selfish mindset but when they get a bit older, will start to see that hey, their dad/mom wasn't so bad after all. It will happen, just takes a bit of time.

[johngalt1149]

So using your advice, I'm supposed to do the activities I like alone? Supposed to endure emails or Tel calls from ex and not pick up but yet go immediately into panic mode? Supposed to be alone for how long? Supposed to go without the physical release or comfort of sex? Much easier said then done. Might as well go back to self medication of alcohol.

[Quiet Storms]

I wasn't going to post, but I just had to. Because what I really want to do is whack you upside the head (no offense).

 

I'm 52 and have been divorced for 10 years, so I do know (somewhat) what I am talking about.

 

The point people are trying to make with you when they say "stop dating!" is going right over your head. Whoosh! So let me see if I can put it another way for you.

 

Of course, it's fine at some point after a divorce to date. But YOU are not ready to date. That's because you are still stuck on your ex-wife and honestly, you have built her and your 30-year marriage into some kind of fake fantasy.

 

Go read your first post in this thread again. Just because you were married for 30 years does not make it a good thing. To those of us on the outside looking in, it sounds like hell on wheels. What on EARTH do you want back from that? Her alcoholism? Her terrible parenting? "Honey, I'm home"? I would say.... get a dog. Much cheaper, less stress, and no police or alcohol involved.

 

So now you have romanticized this crazy marriage with this dysfunctional woman, so you are trying to fill in the spaces with other women. Lots of women. Anyone with a vagina. I mean, come ON! Do you not see this?

 

You are not dating for companionship. You are dating to try to replace your ex. And no one will replace your ex, thank God. So what you are doing is futile and an epic waste of time.

 

My advice is, take all the time you are spending on women and focus on your kids. Even if they don't see it now, they will see it eventually. Let them know that they are more important to you than women, women, and women. Trust me, they will see what you are doing, and they see what you are doing now, even if you don't think they do.

 

You have alluded to the fact that your family has claimed you to be controlling, or at least, that you are strict and unwavering. Frankly, you show signs of that in this thread. Many people have given you good advice, yet you keep doing the same things -- as if you know what's right and no one else does. Makes me wonder why you posted in the first place.

 

Work on you, because you need it. Just being honest, from what I see.

[johngalt1149]

I understand what people are saying. I understand I am possibly not ready for a real relationship although I don't think that to be true. I want to work on kids but they don't answer. It is not a "vagina" I seek but company. Maybe validation too. I listen to what the people on here say but it is hard to implement it as again I do not like alone. Yes ex was a piece of work but she was part of my memory process and over 1/2 my life. I don't want to be married to her but it is the isolation that hurts more than anything. The site does perform sort of a venting process and is a bit of a catharsis and helps.

[Quiet Storms]

Yes, many of us who have posted to you have had the same experiences with loneliness.

 

And this is why people are telling you to learn to be alone. Because until you can be alone and be happy with yourself, you won't connect in a healthy way with someone else.

[SaveYourHeart]

I'm pro-therapy because it works if you're willing to try. Sometimes it takes a while for that to click, but therapy exists for a reason and it does work. Everything Quiet Storms is saying is so true. Loneliness is hard, but you have to learn to be happy and love yourself before you can every truly love someone else again.

[johngalt1149]

I do listen to your opinions but honestly therapy doesn't work for all although I do like to see other's opinions so I guess this is my "therapy". I'm not sure how one learns to be alone and I do not know if I can handle it as the time I spend alone is devastating already. I am going to slow up my dating schedule as it gets very expensive and is a bit of a let down. Maybe lay off POF and Match and Jdate for awhile. All those dates and no real answer yet or company. I don't know how long the healing process will take but darn it's just so hard.

[Hecan]

Did I miss something?? Are these YOUR kids??

If so, how have you left teenagers with an alcoholic mother who has pulled them out is school because they don't like it ??? FOR REAL???

 

Who cares how many people you sleep with !!!!

[johngalt1149]

Kids no longer take my calls or texts. Daughter lives now at 19 with bf who inherited a lot. Convinced I am a monster who devastated Mum in court. 18 yr old same doesn't take calls and hasn't left his room in 2 years. Nothing I can do. Snail mail to no avail.

[Majormisstep]

I understand what people are saying. I understand I am possibly not ready for a real relationship although I don't think that to be true. I want to work on kids but they don't answer. It is not a "vagina" I seek but company. Maybe validation too. I listen to what the people on here say but it is hard to implement it as again I do not like alone. Yes ex was a piece of work but she was part of my memory process and over 1/2 my life. I don't want to be married to her but it is the isolation that hurts more than anything. The site does perform sort of a venting process and is a bit of a catharsis and helps.

 

 

Ok John, let me put it this way...I was YOU! Couldn't believe my married life was over, cried and yearned over this loss. Needed to be part of a couple. Needed to belong with a companion, no matter how dysfunctional. But that world of mine dissipated and all I was left with was me. Now what Sherlock? Had to rebuild from the ground up. I'm still not 100% but am sure in a better place than before because I had to accept that this folks, may be all there is. Just me.

 

Now..I'd rather be alone than with a partner that was not right for me. Took a long time to get here. John, if I can do this, so can you.

 

Rising from the bottom of earth's deepest, darkest place....MMS ;-)

[johngalt1149]

So what did you do to get there? I've done the outside theatre and plays, the reading, the gym, limited therapy, volunteering, seeing friends, pretty much all. Need to get out of this whirlpool....

[Quiet Storms]

I don't think there is an overall good answer to that question, John.

 

The first thing is to give yourself time and space to get over your ex-wife. It was a long marriage for you, and you are still mourning it. And that's okay. I just think you are desperately trying to fill that void in any way you can, and that never works.

 

Then it becomes a matter of your own priorities and goals. Where do you want to be in 5 years? Ten? NOT in terms of a relationship, but what do YOU want for yourself. Stop thinking that you have to be part of a couple in order to exist and be happy. You don't.

 

It is something I've struggled with as well, and I've been divorced a long time. I have made some seriously BAD decisions relationship-wise since then. And I have remained in relationships that were dysfunctional at best, and frankly, also abusive. And I did it out of fear and reluctance to be alone. And loneliness. But, just as MMS said, eventually there comes a time where you realize that, in the end, it's just you. There are no guarantees in life, even if you are part of a couple. At the end of the day, you have YOU to count on, and to be happy, and to live.

 

Frankly, one of the things that bothers me about your posts is that you dismiss the fact that you have lost communication with your children in a sentence or two. "I call and write; they don't answer; there's nothing I can do." Okay, so it's hard for me to understand how, three years ago when you were separated and both kids were minors, you would let your wife remove them from school and your son to sit in his room for two years.

 

Maybe you didn't have physical custody, but didn't you have some level of legal custody? And why didn't you go to court and get physical custody away from this unfit mother? I just don't get it. Wild horses couldn't have dragged me away from doing that, in your shoes.

 

But now, it is what it is. That's why I suggest that you don't give up on your kids, which it seems you have. I get that they don't acknowledge you. KEEP TRYING. Do not give up on them, and eventually they will come around, I would bet on it. But not if you give up.

 

Best to you ~

[johngalt1149]

No Judge without proof of abuse will award custody to a Dad. Can't prove she's an alcoholic unless witnessed. Kids wouldn't testify against their Mum. She had 2 contempt charges, meant nothing. Judge always gives more chances. Wouldn't even award me legal fees and he was completely on my side. When I would force the kids to go to school, an argument would ensue, police would be called. In the beginning once or twice they actually helped then said it is a civil matter and they weren't babysitters. At 16 they could emancipate and there was nothing I could do at all. She pulled them out of school as the school only needed one parents signature. I haven't given up on the kids but since I never get an answer from them there is little I can do. I did not "let her" do anything. I tried my best to force them to go, hence I am the dictator, she is their friend. Hence they won't/don't talk to me.

5 years from now I will have rebuilt my businesses, have another aircraft and boat...but to share with whom? I don't think I've made bad decisions other than to allow major depression in my life. I shouldn't have left and should've tried to work it out even though it was the 4th time separated. I did love her (I think). I surely miss her. I surely miss my kids. I truly hate being alone. Often when not out with friends or dates it is just me and my dog and the TV or a book. It is very lonely. It is very depressing. I curse her every morning and every night for what she did to me and our family. It is my only solace. Yet I would go back in a moment, even sleep on the couch while her Bf sleeps with her and yes I know how asinine that sounds. I just want to be in their lives again.

[Quiet Storms]

No Judge without proof of abuse will award custody to a Dad. Can't prove she's an alcoholic unless witnessed. Kids wouldn't testify against their Mum. She had 2 contempt charges, meant nothing. Judge always gives more chances. Wouldn't even award me legal fees and he was completely on my side. When I would force the kids to go to school, an argument would ensue, police would be called. In the beginning once or twice they actually helped then said it is a civil matter and they weren't babysitters. At 16 they could emancipate and there was nothing I could do at all. She pulled them out of school as the school only needed one parents signature. I haven't given up on the kids but since I never get an answer from them there is little I can do. I did not "let her" do anything. I tried my best to force them to go, hence I am the dictator, she is their friend. Hence they won't/don't talk to me.

5 years from now I will have rebuilt my businesses, have another aircraft and boat...but to share with whom? I don't think I've made bad decisions other than to allow major depression in my life. I shouldn't have left and should've tried to work it out even though it was the 4th time separated. I did love her (I think). I surely miss her. I surely miss my kids. I truly hate being alone. Often when not out with friends or dates it is just me and my dog and the TV or a book. It is very lonely. It is very depressing. I curse her every morning and every night for what she did to me and our family. It is my only solace. Yet I would go back in a moment, even sleep on the couch while her Bf sleeps with her and yes I know how asinine that sounds. I just want to be in their lives again.

 

Okay. I don't know what kind of backwards alley you live in, but in the US and in this day and age, men don't have to prove abuse in order to get legal/physical custody of some degree. I live in freaking KENTUCKY, the most a**-backwards state on the planet, and my ex-husband and I shared legal and physical custody of our three kids.

 

I wouldn't expect the kids to testify against their mom.

 

And yes, it's very pathetic that you are saying you would go back and sleep on the couch just to be with your ex-abusive wife while she is sleeping with her boyfriend. Total beta male; no woman respects that.

 

You have a lot of work to do. I hope you do it.

 

~QS is out~

[johngalt1149]

Not backwards at all. The first 2 years of separation was voluntary, no Judges involved. Divorce hearings started December 2015 and ended February 2017. 2 contempt motions won to no avail. 96 motions all won. Nothing to do in the beginning since we weren't in court yet and I still harbored feelings to reconcile. There was no "legal" custody. I left home, she stayed. Kids were 15/16 at the time now 18/19. I am one of the most Alpha males you might ever meet. In great shape and box for a hobby. Business partners call me "the squid" (the only animal that will eat a shark) but to my wife, yes I am Beta. I miss my family terribly.

[Hecan]

John,

I apologize. Obviously the kids is a very painful part of all of this and my post implied judgement on you!! I'm deeply sorry. You sound like a stand up guy and this situation you are in sucks!!!

There are people / women out there who will value you but you have to value yourself. ( I think Alpha guys fall harder . ) You deserve more!!

Warm wishes finding happiness.

[johngalt1149]

Just trying to do the day by day. The divorce is OK. The total isolation is not. The kids situation is not. I still care for my family. I do not care to be alone although I know and see that this is part of the process somehow. I curse the ex day and night, curse the friends I though were OUR friends for 30 years. New people now and old that are back because they didn't care for her but not a moment goes by that I don't miss my 30 years and my children. I believe the kids will see the truth eventually and come back. I don't believe the ex will ever get away from her world of entitlement or her coven of supporting witches. I hope somehow I can mentor the kids again without her interference of "you don't need to push them" or "if you don't like it just quit". Kids are extremely intelligent yet believe I am deranged and obsessed (has some truth in it methinks as I am obsessed with my 30 years) but think nothing of a 30 year marriage where the wife has had someone (an ex felon with jail time) move in 3 weeks after meeting him while still married. The solo part is just so hard.

[johngalt1149]

2nd date with a very pretty lady, yet I already know it won't be forever but I don't want to be alone. Nice lady, funny sort of. Met old friends on the beach and downtown, had a better time with them but I can only be a gentleman and again I do not want to be alone yet since only a second date I walked her to her car and sent her home. Cute new corvette but I hate low ground cars. Still thinking of my ex constantly. Actually was able to text my daughter and got a few words return text...happy, happy. Midnight and depressed and alone again. I wonder what my ex is doing...why she did this. Why the kids shun me. I have a lot of friends that are just wonderful but I can't even mention the extreme depression in front of them or get b-tch slapped again if I mention my exs name. Mothers day will make exactly 3 years since separated. Since she told my 85 and 86 yr old parents they should be dead. I wish they'd nuke Hollywood hills.

[Quiet Storms]

John, John, John. Now what are we going to do with you?

 

Why on earth did you write her a 3-page Mother's Day card? What were you hoping to get out of that? It's not a rhetorical question - I really want to know.

 

You keep saying you don't want to be alone, yet your revolving door-style dating isn't helping that. Or you wouldn't be writing 3-page Mother's Day cards at the same time, would you?

 

And you keep focusing on the fact that this man is a felon. Unless you are afraid that he is a danger to your children, it really doesn't matter, does it? I mean, it doesn't matter if he's a convict or the President of the United States. (Wait, bad example... given the choice, I would pick the convict). But...

 

I'm going to tell you a story, even though I hate talking about it because the person involved is dead to me and I don't think or care about him any longer. And also, please know that this is in no way equal to your 30-year marriage, nor am I suggesting it is such. But this is something important that I learned, so please hear me out, okay?

 

I just had a 2-year "relationship" (that's being generous) end, and when it did, I thought I missed him. It really hurt. But after some space and some clarity, I recognized something very important. I did not miss HIM, per se (how could you -- general you -- miss someone who basically hated your guts? And he did hate my guts and wasn't even slightly subtle about it). What I missed was the tremendous amount of real estate that he was taking up in my head, all that time.

 

And it wasn't prime real estate by any means. Heck, it wasn't even good real estate. It was more like a hostile desert of real estate, with giant thorny cactuses growing every three feet.

 

BUT... the real issue was that, with the removal of him from my head, I was actually scared about how to fill that space going forward. It was easier to fill that space even with something very negative than it was for me to have to plant something else in that space -- to face issues that were more important but that I had been putting off.

 

Once you realize that, it's like being free. A dead weight is lifted.

 

YOU are not able to get her out of your head because you're scared. Because then what would you fill that space with? Then you would be forced to work on other issues that you have been pushing aside all these years.

 

Don't make her into some kind of fantasy. She isn't. She is a flawed human being, perhaps more flawed than most. You can't possibly want to live with that again, but you are afraid to move forward with something different. DON'T be! Once you realize it and accept it, you will realize you have the world by the tail. To do anything you want. You have to stop holding onto the negatives. Stop holding onto the past.

 

I don't think you will listen to me now, but perhaps it will resonate with you someday. In the meantime, enjoy the revolving door dates.

[johngalt1149]

The convict issue is my 18 yr old son lives without a mentor. 2 people without motivation to do anything in life. 2 people that will never get him thru life properly. No goals, no education, no reading, no travel, no charity. My19 yr old daughter who hasn't spoken to me in a year said to me today about mothers day...."Dad they are not my family (in ref to mine), I never liked them or cared about them". In other words parroting my ex's feelings. She has no family in the states, I have a large family who loves them. Yes I wrote a 3 page letter and I'd like to kick myself, I thought it would invoke a response after 30 years. I broke the NC rule after only a week. Yes, I know... just can't help myself and I am my own worst enemy but I just can't fathom how you walk away from 30 years. Yes there are a lot of women out there and I just want company. Sex is fine but it is not a panacea and I really don't care. The physical comfort of having someone to talk with, maybe hold- I do care about a lot. My Pomeranian only goes so far. I though at least I'd get a response from her, thought I'd convince my daughter family is important. I thought my ex would want more at least "things" as she did before. Memories as we had so many. I thought wrong. Doesn't salve the wound though.

Edited May 12, 2017 by johngalt1149

[Quiet Storms]

I hope you don't think I am trying to beat you up. None of us are perfect, and it's hard. I was only married for 15 years but in my case, I was more than ready to move on. I understand you don't feel that way.

 

I guess I was curious what kind of response you were hoping for, from the Mother's Day card. Were you hoping it would lead somewhere?

 

I get the need for physical affection, sex, comfort, companionship. Trust me, I do. But my point was, you are dating women for those things, and you don't seem to be finding it. Do you see my point? It has to come from you, not them.

 

Regarding the situation with your kids, you may have to just admit defeat on that one for now. As you said, it doesn't seem like there is much you can do, except keep the lines of communication open and be there for them. They are still young; they are likely to come around.

 

I think that I am probably making things worse for you, so I will bow out now and wish you the best ~