How to avoid cheating spouses/affairs

[somanymistakes]

A very kind person is much less likely to go out of his way to intentionally cultivate affairs, but much more likely to be unwilling to extricate himself from the situation once it develops.

 

A kind MM isn't going to hide his ring and go down to the hotel bar hoping to find someone up for a quickie. But if a friendship develops between him and you, he may not recognise or want to pull back when it starts crossing boundaries.

[freengreen]

I don't really agree that kindness is a good indicator of anything. My most recent ex was kind. He was always willing to help people and had genuine empathy. He listened. But...he also lied a lot. He didn't have bad intentions when lying. He didn't want to hurt anyone so he told everyone what they wanted to hear. He also had poor boundaries and was generally spineless. So out came some very big lies and poor choices.

 

I'm afraid that kindness without integrity is meaningless.

100%.. agreed. Ex MM too the same, i dont know if he was really kind inside out or he was spineless. He just frivolously did what other women felt good and spoke what they wanted to hear. He wooed almost everyone with his ' kindness'... as much as so many women, wont let him go. However, he was passive agressive and that would get harsh, his wepon was ignoring on the drop of a hat...

 

I still dont know who he is... and i am beginning not to care.

Edited April 26, 2017 by freengreen

[Silverstring]

I'm afraid that kindness without integrity is meaningless.

 

Yup, what you're looking for is integrity, not necessarily kindness.

 

The women I've seen that are in marriage with faithful men are women that didn't fall for the superficial traits (looks, charm, success, power, etc.). They were women that were naturally drawn to integrity, so they dated men for a long time, and as the man's integrity began to show, they would fall for them deeper and deeper.

 

The women I've seen that married (and later divorced) cheaters fell for those superficial traits and really valued that intense / infatuation early part of a relationship feeling.

 

And of course it goes both ways...there's a reason why we see so many posts on here referring to cheating partners as being narcissists or having Borderline Personality Disorder. It's because those folks are often superficially very attractive, but also completely lack empathy and therefore lack integrity.

[Overtaxed]

Yup, what you're looking for is integrity, not necessarily kindness.

 

The women I've seen that are in marriage with faithful men are women that didn't fall for the superficial traits (looks, charm, success, power, etc.). They were women that were naturally drawn to integrity, so they dated men for a long time, and as the man's integrity began to show, they would fall for them deeper and deeper.

 

The women I've seen that married (and later divorced) cheaters fell for those superficial traits and really valued that intense / infatuation early part of a relationship feeling.

 

And of course it goes both ways...there's a reason why we see so many posts on here referring to cheating partners as being narcissists or having Borderline Personality Disorder. It's because those folks are often superficially very attractive, but also completely lack empathy and therefore lack integrity.

 

"They were women that were naturally drawn to integrity"

 

This is really the important part, especially when men/women are talking about establishing a LTR with an AP. By having an A, your partner is showing you, in the clearest way possible, that he/she has very little integrity. And the situations just get worse from there (best friends, friends of the husband/wife/etc). The lack of moral integrity displayed by someone knowingly sleeping with a married partner is nearly without parallel; it just doesn't get much lower than that. People get into fights for a reason, people steal for a reason, people even murder for a reason (typically). People enter into affairs every single day "just because". That's a shocking lack of moral empathy and a complete loss of integrity for the AP. I've shared many times here, when I was younger, I was a relentless womanizer; I lied about my feelings, I deflected questions, I used tactics to build trust that were unethical. But even then, probably at the lowest "moral" spot in my life, I NEVER would have considered pursuing a friend/acquaintances wife or even a married woman where I had no knowledge of the husband. I did sleep with a few married women but only because they lied to me (no ring, no mention of husband, or an outright lie).

 

Trust me, the "me" that I was then was a complete terror in a relationship, women would have been well advised to stay as far from me as possible. However, by entering into an A, you're willingly hitching yourself to someone who's doing even worse than I did. Not saying that a person doing that is beyond hope, that's certainly not the case, but they are certainly seriously damaged and morally bankrupt, at least at the time of the A. It's the exact opposite of "integrity".

[sandylee1]

I totally agree that kindness is very different from integrity. After all why would anyone have an affair with a MM, who wasn't at least kind.

 

That's the bare minimum you'd expect.

 

Integrity, values and morals are what you should look out for.

 

And if you're having an affair with him and then you know he hasn't got the above qualities.

 

I also agree that wealthy and powerful men, have no problems getting women to affairs or otherwise.

 

The attraction to powerful men, the boss, the professor.... That's what so many women fall for...and many of these men use that power to their advantage.

[DKT3]

This is exactly the conversation I had over dinner tonight. Once you've seen that capability of somebody to lie to that extent...and you know how the lies work and how easily they come, how do you ever trust somebody again?

 

I know I had a part to play in the A, but I'm single. I haven't made a commitment. I wasn't having to go home and lie to somebody every night when I get into bed with them. Yep I have issues which probably resulted in me getting involved with this MM in the first place, but I now have a whole load of additional trust issues that weren't there before. I'm not trying to position myself as a victim here, I understand that if anyone is a victim it's his wife. But it is the case that I've had a insight into the way in which a cheater lies so well, so sincerely, and I know I'll never trust anyone in the same way again.

 

Different car, but same train.

 

Boundaries are boundaries, so honestly if you cross the line married or single doesn't matter.

 

Good men deserve good women. I once heard a quote "most of the time you get the exact relationship you deserve"

 

If you cultivate weeds no way they become roses, they will always be weeds.

 

Point being one doesn't deserve anymore than they give, if you accept less than ideal you will get less than ideal. Personal responsibility