Struggling with wanting to be engaged?

[tutugirl]

Well...you ARE 'officially' together - for better or for worse. You only are not 'married in the eyes of the law'. Far better to be married in your hearts, IMO. At the same time, is he not already absolutely clear on your love and commitment? - or, what makes you think that he isn't?

 

On the other hand, are you not already absolutely clear on his love for and commitment to you? - or, what makes you think that he might not be? - or might not be to the same level that you are?

 

That's a really good point! I think we are both clear on our commitment of each other. For him: staying with me through college, moving across the country with me because of an amazing job opportunity I had, and for me: working with him through his bout of depression and anxiety, and helping him through his grandfather's death. These situations have been paramount to us showing each our commitment and love for each other. We have always supported and stood by each other, through better and worse.

 

I think, perhaps this is the traditionalist hiding inside of me, that being married would just solidify everything we've done for each other until now? We are both pretty big on actions speaking louder than words so I feel like getting married is the ultimate action? Or maybe its not, maybe I'm just feeling like a sheep right now because so many of our/my friends are making this commitment to their long term (and short term!) partners.

[Ronni_W]

It really sounds like you've each more than proven your love and commitment over the time you've been together. .

 

I think, perhaps this is the traditionalist hiding inside of me, that being married would just solidify everything we've done for each other until now? We are both pretty big on actions speaking louder than words so I feel like getting married is the ultimate action? Or maybe its not, maybe I'm just feeling like a sheep right now because so many of our/my friends are making this commitment to their long term (and short term!) partners.

Well...you gotta do your own rounds of introspection to see if it is actually that last thing. I mean...yes, do seek outside/alternative perspectives...but then you just gotta sit with it in your own heart in the quiet of your own sanctuary, so to speak.

 

Getting married is not the 'ultimate action' in a relationship; there isn't any action like that. Marriage actually just marks the starting point for many, many, many more actions that are necessary and that must follow if that marriage is to be lasting and happy, rewarding and fulfilling for each partner individually and the couple together...as a married couple and then also, if it happens, as parents.

 

There is a reason that you're feeling the way you're feeling about it, and you're gonna need to get real 'down and deep' honest with yourself if you're actually gonna get to the real cause.

 

Sending much wisdom and insight your way.

[mikeylo]

You see, you've met your match who has challenged you to change what you thought you wanted and what your heart truly desires. You desire a committed relationship , with the safety of marriage.Your old ingrained mindset is wanting more and that is a good thing that this guy brings into your life.

 

Relationships have to evolve into something bigger and marriage is said to be the ultimate commitment.

 

One of my guy friends was a self labelled commitment phobe/ playerkinda guy.When he fell in love, he fell HARD and the entire world knew about it. He was the one who initiated everything, from saying the 3 words to proposing.He was in more rush than his gf to get her comitment.It worked for him.Till this day he is a happy guy with a happy wife and kids.And a completely transformed guy !

[Mr. Lucky]

I understand that many people have a conservative outlook on living together before marriage. But that is not what I was asking about. My original post was about the feelings and desires I am experiencing towards wanting to get married to the person I have shared my life with for the past 5.5 years which are in conflict with how I personally have viewed myself (and marriage based on my parents relationship) since our relationship started. So this comment is kind of irrelevant to the original conversation. I'm not trying to root out why he wouldn't want to to marry or why he would. I'm trying to sort out my newfound feelings and reconcile them with my parents wishes for me, society's pressures, and how I view myself, both in and out of my relationship.

 

And if I'm being real - I could just as easily ask the same question of myself: whats in it for me? Since I know this comment is usually related to sex, I've been getting the milk for free, too, and TBH its great milk. So in that respect, our current situation also offers ME "all the benefits and none of the entanglements of marriage" as you say.

 

So, again, I don't really see how that is relevant.

 

Wow, slow down Sparky. I'm "cohabitation neutral", having neither conservative nor liberal views on the subject. I'm also not selling milk or cows.

 

But marriage is two people, right? So the feelings you're having and the self-examination involved doesn't exist in a vacuum and there are practical sides to any issue like this. Whether or not you're ready now, you'll eventually have to consider them.

 

Glad you're happy now, hope the relationship takes you where you want to go...

 

Mr. Lucky

[tutugirl]

Wow, slow down Sparky. I'm "cohabitation neutral", having neither conservative nor liberal views on the subject. I'm also not selling milk or cows.

 

But marriage is two people, right? So the feelings you're having and the self-examination involved doesn't exist in a vacuum and there are practical sides to any issue like this. Whether or not you're ready now, you'll eventually have to consider them.

 

Glad you're happy now, hope the relationship takes you where you want to go...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Sorry for the rant.

 

Oftentimes when people ask "what's in it for him?" they are coming from a conservative viewpoint and blame the woman in the relationship for offering living together, sex and other aspects of traditional wifeliness prior to marriage as a reason for why a man wouldn't want to commit.

 

I just feel like in general, in this day and age, shouldn't it be about what's in it for both people? No one asks women what's in it for them.

 

Even if you aren't living together, the skills of supportiveness, honesty, love, communication are already in play (hopefully) if you are in a committed relationship with someone and they are much more important than traditional wifely duties.

 

Wrongfully, I assumed you were coming from this perspective.

[NTV]

I guess for me my opinion is that marriage benefits kids (of the married couple, not preexisting ones). I don't see it as much benefit to either couple.

 

As far as the home ownership? I'd recommend that you volunteer to mow on the hottest days of summer and then consider.

 

Really, marriage is work. A lot of work. So is home ownership. So are kids... Although that's been, for me, the most rewarding of the three.

 

So my suggestion is to talk to him about the three. And pick them to do one at a time with at least 2 years in between each... To jump into all three at once without having done them before is crazy. And incredibly stressful.

 

It sounds like your mind is made up. So my advice is to go about it in a good way. It allows you and him time to adjust to those new responsibilities.

[georgia girl]

Tutugirl,

 

I don't think your thoughts are out of line and I actually think it's part of the transition we women make when we begin to slowly begin to see our partner as the one. Like you, I wasn't particularly interested in getting married. I owned my own home, was very financially secure, had a great supportive family and lots of friends. I was in my mid-30's and no rush to do anything.

 

When my husband and I met, we were both skittish and never got really serious until after he had a serious accident. But after the accident, I realized how important it was to me that we become a family. We weren't having kids - I can't have children - and marrying would mean that one of us had to sell our house.

 

But, marriage meant we were a family. I wasn't a girlfriend, I was next of kin. It meant that we had both committed to building a life together, while still respecting that we were individuals that would continue to grow independently as well.

 

I think that while you don't want to let your thoughts consume you, you are also starting to mentally prepare for this next stage of life. I will predict that you and your boyfriend will likely begin to have more conversations, partly because it's more top of mind for you and partially because it will become more top of mind from him. Let that happen naturally and enjoy this transition. It doesn't have to be angst-filled. It's just the start of a new chapter in your lives where you are building careers, exiting this "post college" settling time, and exploring what the next phase looks like. Take it naturally and have honest and open conversations with your partner.

 

True story? The way my husband led into the proposal was by asking, "What do you think it will be like when we are living together?" I gave him a serious answer to help him see how much better his life was going to be once he asked me to marry him. He didn't hear a word. He was too busy getting the ring out of his pocket.

 

Good luck and update us now and again!

 

GG

[Bella_Lee]

Hi @tutugirl my thoughts are these….as we go through different stages in life, our desires and what we want in life changes or evolves. I think your feelings are quite natural feelings experienced by a lot of women although society tries to portray otherwise. Marriage is a beautiful and sacred institution that has been part of society for a very long time. You have two people who love each other and want to make a public proclamation of their love and commitment to each other before family and friends. However in recent times unfortunately as the rates of divorce as risen and the view that we can all be independent with no need to commit to each other, people have become disillusioned with marriage.

 

I know it can be scary to know you love someone very much and your desire is to spend your whole life with them but you’re unsure if that will happen or if that is what the other person wants. Your feelings are valid and so are your desires and I doubt they will disappear overnight. This means you will have to do the brave and maybe vulnerable act of expressing to this guy whom you’ve shared almost 6 years of life with your desire to get married and have children (just a suggestion).

I got married when I was 26 years and I felt that pull as well (had been in the relationship for 4 years) as I saw my friends and twin sister getting married and knew he was the one. I am a traditional romantic and knew I wanted marriage and not just living together. We’ve now been married 21 years this April, thank you Lord. I can tell you making the vows in front of our family and friends was the easy part. The hard part is what comes after. Every marriage is different and some will last and some won’t. That’s life.

 

This quote from an article I read and have experienced in my marriage I think sums it up well:

“Marriage is beautiful. Marriage is wonderful. Marriage is a gift that shouldn’t be taken for granted. Marriage is hearts and flowers and guess what? Marriage can also be hard work but certainly worth it" I wish you all the best for the future…..love, marriage, children and all that you desire

[amaysngrace]

You're ready for the next chapter in your life to begin. I don't know why you need to read into it any more than what it actually is.

 

What's up with all the negativity surrounding your parents' marriage though? And why are they spreading their negativity all over your happiness?

 

It seems like that is what's messing with your head most of all.