False Reconciliation

[csad]

So just to kinda prepare you for a potential shock csad... When I spoke to my first few lawyers following finding out my wife had cheated they all warned me that, as the breadwinner, I might have to pay alimony. .. which really felt like a kick in the nuts. I was mad about it for like a month. .. and still kinda am. I might have to pay her for the pleasure of getting cheated on. That's how it felt.

 

But, to be fair, in the first six months and even a year it can be super easy for small setbacks to feel huge. And I felt like the world was set against me every time I came across another injustice... like the injustice of my wife's affairs made me much more sensitive to other injustices that I had to or might have to suffer through.

 

So... not really answering a question or anything just giving you a heads up.

 

I earn a bit more than my wife and the lawyer I talked to yesterday told me that alimony, if any, will not be significant. Also we have to take into account that if I switch to, say, a startup tomorrow then my income would be lower than her. So I think alimony won't be an issue. The potential issue would be who makes the important decision for my child. What school she goes to when she grows up (private vs. public), that kind of stuff.

[NTV]

Got a recorder yet?

[csad]

Yes, got one after D-Day (surprisingly I didn't have to use a recorder to discover). But what is it for now?

[Nirbhao.Nirvair]

Yes, got one after D-Day (surprisingly I didn't have to use a recorder to discover). But what is it for now?

 

Say, your wife thinks of filing a false DV complaint against you, you might need to record every conversation that you have with her. Not very hard given how you did go to the OM's place immediately after d-day(and cops were involved) and how your WW was scared for her own safety. Please don't say your wife will never do such a thing.

[csad]

Please don't say your wife will never do such a thing.

 

No doubt. After the 2nd D-Day when she broke the NC, I don't know what she cannot do!

[csad]

Been tough last couple days. My mom her mom her dad now think me illusional. That the OMW was making a revenge to destroy our marriage. That I should have behaved better so that my wife doesn't have to be afraid of me (and wouldn't lie). Shhhhhh@@@@

[TobyBoy]

Been tough last couple days. My mom her mom her dad now think me illusional. That the OMW was making a revenge to destroy our marriage. That I should have behaved better so that my wife doesn't have to be afraid of me (and wouldn't lie). Shhhhhh@@@@

 

Your wife contacting OM was a fishing attempt to rekindle the affair. To bad for her the OM was not interested and is actually being transparent to his BS.

[harrybrown]

why is your Mom not supporting you?

[csad]

That is support in her own way. She doesn't want us to divorce and basically is playing the pick my son up game.

[Friskyone4u]

That is support in her own way. She doesn't want us to divorce and basically is playing the pick my son up game.

 

CSAD

 

Unfortunately, what you are experiencing is not uncommon. The grandparents of both spouses hardly ever want the family to be broken up and your best move right now is to ignore what they want and do what you have to live with. They do not want kids or family life disturbed. Of course, none of them have to lie down each night with a woman who has been having sex with another man.

 

You mother playing the pick me game is detrimental to you because your wife will get emboldened thin king she has you cornered with people wanting you to rugsweep and eat the **** sandwich and continue to eat it in false R.

 

You need to tell them to back off. And blood is thicker than water. If you D your parents will eventually support you especially when they calmly learn EVERYTHING she has done.

 

CSAD. Hold your ground.

[csad]

I haven't met my therapist yet, but just thinking if I should try to find a male therapist. Afraid that female therapist would be bias and somewhat talk me to forgiving. Down side is that it's harder to find a male therapist here (and I already said that finding a therapist here in general is not easy, they are all very busy)

[elaine567]

I haven't met my therapist yet, but just thinking if I should try to find a male therapist. Afraid that female therapist would be bias and somewhat talk me to forgiving. Down side is that it's harder to find a male therapist here (and I already said that finding a therapist here in general is not easy, they are all very busy)

 

Speak to a few therapists, and then chose the one you find most helpful, the one you feel comfortable with and the one you feel can support you through this.

[GoldenR]

I haven't met my therapist yet, but just thinking if I should try to find a male therapist. Afraid that female therapist would be bias and somewhat talk me to forgiving. Down side is that it's harder to find a male therapist here (and I already said that finding a therapist here in general is not easy, they are all very busy)

 

I don't think you should worry about that unless it actually happens. A lot of times, females are harder on females than they are on males.

[Friskyone4u]

I haven't met my therapist yet, but just thinking if I should try to find a male therapist. Afraid that female therapist would be bias and somewhat talk me to forgiving. Down side is that it's harder to find a male therapist here (and I already said that finding a therapist here in general is not easy, they are all very busy)

 

CSAD,

 

The "professional" advice on infidelity runs the gamut as different as night and day, not necessarily by gender. But remember this, the overwhelming number of therapists are going to take the position that you are there to STAY in the marriage and guess what?? If they tell you it is hopeless or she does not deserve that they lose you as a client.

 

I recommend you behave just as you would if you buy a car. YOU are the customer and if the conversation turns to what YOU did wrong in the marriage, then you walk.

 

You should not be hearing excuses or reasons for what she has done and is still doing. You have a WW who has not only cheated but who has just recently lied again and broken NC. Too often this running right into a therapist for the "answer" clouds your actions on what you really need to decide, and that is what you need her now to do to give you any chance to start to regain some TRUST in her, which right now should be ZERO. You do not need a litany of what YOU need to do to remain married. She should DESPARATELY be seeking those answers, not you.

 

I'm afraid you have this ass backwards here.

[NTV]

I had the same worry. Last thing I wanted was a woman taking her side. I get it.

[Nirbhao.Nirvair]

I haven't met my therapist yet, but just thinking if I should try to find a male therapist. Afraid that female therapist would be bias and somewhat talk me to forgiving. Down side is that it's harder to find a male therapist here (and I already said that finding a therapist here in general is not easy, they are all very busy)

 

All things said and done, therapy is a business. A good counsellor will listen to you and tell you what's right for and what you should do for your personal well-being. A bad counsellor will OTOH tell you what you want to hear so that you keep coming back to her as a client. And a bad couples counsellor will take the side of the stubborn spouse against the weak spouse to make sure the stubborn spouse doesn't call it quits and she loses a client.

 

 

But it must take an extremely incompetent counsellor to let her gender bias come to the fore. If she does that usually, she wouldn't be in the business. In any case you can keep checking with this forum to see if you are on the right track.

 

 

What you should worry about instead is to get your parents on to your side. From what you wrote, I sense that your mother feels your WS talking to the AP was the only slip-up that has led to the current situation. You should tell her about how it was only the last straw that broke the camel's back and how unremorseful your WS is. Every mother would want her child to live with dignity and respect. If every act of your WS from treating you as her Plan B to calling your legitimate expectations for R, crazy is explained to your mother, I don't think she will be as supportive of your WS as she is now. But then again, that is just my opinion.

 

 

In any case keep posting here.