Am I the dumper or the dumpee? [Ex contacted me after 3 months, omg!!!!]

[TamsinB]

I'm not sure I understand what your emphasis is here . . .

 

You were in NO CONTACT with the idea that that would bring him back around to you?

 

NO CONTACT is not a tool for getting an ex back, it is a tool for moving on. Nine times out of ten, they do come back around, sometimes to attempt reconciliation, sometimes just to boost their ego to see if you're still "there", sometimes it's because they need an emotional tampon because their other options didn't work out but don't want to reconcile and sometimes they're just horny.

 

Stay NO CONTACT. The danger of reopening your wounds is more likely than having this all be some kind of fairy tale resurrection of a relationship. This is the real test of your resolve . . . no matter what.

 

 

"FOR ME" NO CONTACT "IS" ABOUT GETTING MY EX BACK

 

I want to get him back "right in front of me" to explain because it's the very absence of an explanation that I'm struggling with most. Only then can I either move on completely or move on to a better relationship with him. There are so many people on here with so many different circumstances and situations that have lead to a break up. We're here to support each other. We must never judge. I didn't chase. I'm proud of the way I've handled this. I wanted him to come to me and somehow I knew he would. When the time is right I will reply and if I feel there is enough scope to continue with this man I will.

 

Some relationships CAN BE MENDED some NEVER RECOVER, I've seen both.

 

There are people really struggling on here and hope is all they have and I feel it's important also (especially in the early stages) not to be too harsh in the advice we give, but to be mindful of the heartache and despair that people are trying desperately to cope with.

 

Sometimes we never hear from our exes again but hopefully by that time all hope is gone anyway and enough time has elapsed that we naturally just move on anyway.

Edited May 11, 2017 by TamsinB

[TamsinB]

2nd CONTACT FROM EX (this evening)

 

Ex: "Did you get my message?"

 

ME: "I did"

 

Ex: "Can I call you, please?"

 

ME: "It's really not a good time right now"

 

Ex: "Will you call me or let me know when I can call?"

 

ME: "I will, goodnight"

 

Ex: "Goodnight, I miss you x"

[mightycpa]

If you're the dumper - you should contact your ex IMMEDIATELY

 

Why would you do that? That's non-sensical and counterproductive.

[mightycpa]

Having caught up now, given what you want out of this, the obvious reply is:

 

I WANT ANSWERS!

 

 

In all caps. You shouldn't even have to ask any questions.

[missdixie3333]

There are some holes in your story. So, he was supposed to go away, but met with a friend he didn't meet with? I'm confused.

 

 

Despite whatever happened, and you have no idea what happened because you didn't ASK, you played a game with him and it didn't play out as you hoped (games don't usually work, by the way). Instead of stating what your problem and talking with him, you waited for him to make a move and when he didn't, you harbored bad feelings for a month (that's a long time) and then sent some passive aggressive text. That's just not a mature move.

 

 

It sounds like neither of you were on the same page and there was no real relationship. If I had a great connection with some guy and he was okay with not hearing from me for a month, I'd already know there was no real relationship. I wouldn't have sent some text later, I'd just let it go. And if I was on his end, getting some text like that- a full month after I last texted you- was very childish and manipulative- and I'd know I was right not to pursue you.

 

You think you didn't so something crazy, but twiddling your thumbs for a month to test him and then getting angry that he didn't bite is kind of crazy. You should have talked with him- stop texting people, have a conversation- but now you're wallowing in the repercussions of your choices.

 

 

Who cares who dumped who- it doesn't matter. This isn't a game. If you want a mature, solid relationship, you talk with each other when stuff happens. If things don't work, then you move on; if there's a misunderstanding, you talk about it. You pulled a very immature move and it didn't work and now you're wondering what went wrong.

 

Step 1 when you're considering a new, mature relationship: talk. Don't test and play games. And stop ****ing relying on texting. I don't know when relationships became all about texting. It's shallow and confusing. Have the balls to actually talk.

 

 

Now you see that doesn't work.

[TamsinB]

There are some holes in your story. So, he was supposed to go away, but met with a friend he didn't meet with? I'm confused.

 

 

No holes, just for clarity:

 

"He" had booked a weekend away for "us"

 

On Wednesday BEFORE the weekend he told me he was meeting up with his friend Jake.

 

I bumped into Jake (his friend) in a supermarket and we had a brief conversation, he had just finished work and was meeting his girlfriend?

 

No mention about meeting Dave (my BF) at which point I felt sick and assumed he'd lied to me.

 

My first instinct was to call him (I wish I did) but I was too numb and too emotional at the time. So I managed to compose myself enough to wait.

 

Next day, he messaged

"Is everything alright, I haven't heard from you?"

 

I didn't respond, I didn't trust myself, I was too numb and didn't want the issue to be handled by text, would you?

So, obviously he knew something was wrong.

On reflection, I suppose I should have said "yes, I'm fine, speak to you later" but I assume my lack of response had alerted him and all communication ended there.

 

 

 

Despite whatever happened, and you have no idea what happened because you didn't ASK, you played a game with him and it didn't play out as you hoped (games don't usually work, by the way).

 

No games, just wracked with emotion at the time.

(Always tell myself -When I doubt don't-)

 

Instead of stating what your problem and talking with him, you waited for him to make a move "it was his move to make"

 

 

and when he didn't, you harbored bad feelings for a month

 

BAD FEELINGS??? Couldn't be further from the truth, just didn't want to hurt myself further

 

(that's a long time) and then sent some passive aggressive text. Jesus, you have no idea what you are talking about, no idea of the forebearance it takes to just wait and allow the situation to take its course. We all want immediate answers but the answer will come, with patience.

 

That's just not a mature move. That's self preservation!!!

 

 

It sounds like neither of you were on the same page and there was no real relationship. If I had a great connection with some guy and he was okay with not hearing from me for a month, I'd already know there was no real relationship. I wouldn't have sent some text later, I'd just let it go. And if I was on his end, getting some text like that- a full month after I last texted you- was very childish and manipulative- and I'd know I was right not to pursue you.

 

 

 

You think you didn't so something crazy, but twiddling your thumbs for a month to test him and then getting angry

 

Angry, who said anything about getting angry?

 

that he didn't bite is kind of crazy. You should have talked with him- stop texting people, have a conversation- but now you're wallowing in the repercussions of your choices.

 

My choice was to wait until the weekend, needed a face to face adult conversation, I reiterate didn't want to get into texting, avoided it like e plague.

 

 

Who cares who dumped who- it doesn't matter. This isn't a game. If you want a mature, solid relationship, you talk with each other when stuff happens. If things don't work, then you move on; if there's a misunderstanding, you talk about it. You pulled a very immature move and it didn't work and now you're wondering what went wrong.

 

 

Step 1 when you're considering a new, mature relationship: talk. Don't test and play games. And stop ****ing relying on texting. I don't know when relationships became all about texting. It's shallow and confusing. Have the balls to actually talk.

 

 

Now you see that doesn't work.

 

 

So judgemental, you sound so angry and bitter.

 

I'm here to support people, if I were a younger more impressionable person I'd have probably slit my wrists after some of the advice on here.

[TamsinB]

Having caught up now, given what you want out of this, the obvious reply is:

 

I WANT ANSWERS!

 

 

In all caps. You shouldn't even have to ask any questions.

 

 

I don't want I NEED ANSWERS!

 

This is productive,

 

thank you.

[TamsinB]

Why would you do that? That's non-sensical and counterproductive.

 

Not my words, it's a piece of advice pinned on this forum in the break up thread

 

-All new 2014 NC rules

[anduina]

2nd CONTACT FROM EX (this evening)

 

Ex: "Did you get my message?"

 

ME: "I did"

 

Ex: "Can I call you, please?"

 

ME: "It's really not a good time right now"

 

Ex: "Will you call me or let me know when I can call?"

 

ME: "I will, goodnight"

 

Ex: "Goodnight, I miss you x"

This is so confusing. If you want answers why would you blow him off again?

[ilovemefirst]

Why are you playing games? You want answers? Then listen to what he has to say. You have always left him to do all the communication. That is not a relationship. Maybe he felt that you weren't all that into him in the first place. I don't get that. Just talk to him, he clearly stated he wanted to talk to you. U wanted him to initiate the talk.