Confession.....? Remorse?

[Life lessons]

Thank you for your consideration. Yes, the use of the plural was on purpose. My WW and I had a marriage that was built on a weak foundation. We got married right out of high school for mostly the wrong reasons and sustained it with stubbornness while we slowly torn each other to shreds. Don't get me wrong. It wasn't all bad, but there was much that was. I think that may answer another question you had. We had never seriously considered divorce as an option even when we were at our worst. I'm happy we felt this way even though it did not make much sense at the time.

 

Anyway, my WW got to a point where she was convinced that I no longer loved her or wanted her in my life. At that point she was seriously addicted to an online game and the chat rooms associated with it. Instead of talking to me about her fears and feelings she found someone to replace me. That was OM#1. Some few weeks after that she chose to allow conversations with a 'player' type to escalate to sexting and eventually picture swapping. That was OM#2. About that time the red flags I was noticing finally made sense so I broke into her phone and that was D-day #1. During that time she manipulated me into thinking her As had been my fault while she pursued and started up with OM#3. I had no clue about the 180 or NC. I was in total shock and feeling guilty and had a singular goal of saving the marriage. Then I saw a message on her phone pop up from OM#3 and that was D Day #2.

 

Ironically we had a discussion several years earlier. Or maybe an argument really. She said she'd put up with a lot of crap but if I ever cheated we were done. By that point I had already refused several advances and thought we were good. She has a firm view against cheating, and I had already proven myself. Yes she has taken some heat for that in the past 20 months.

 

I can't say I ever considered what would happen after an A as I thought there would never be one. What helped after the D days is that I truly wanted to stay married to the woman I loved in conjunction with her desire to make things right between us.

 

For the first 3 months I thought I had made the wrong choice. My WW was still involved with the online game and still in contact with the husband replacement. The 2 that she had been sexting were out of the picture. I started to see a change in her and finally grew hopeful. When she would go to log into the game and see how upset and unhappy her actions were making me she would stop. Then one day she deleted the game and made me look through her phone to prove it to me. We have been recovering steadily since.

 

When I say things are going well in our R what I really mean is not wvery day is a struggle. We have grown a great deal in the past 20 months. Lots of MC and IC for both of us and we have finally learned how to talk AND listen to each other.

 

Yes you have a chance for R. But the sad fact is that even if you desire that with every fiber of your being and do everything exactly 'right' and show regret and remorse the decision ultimately lies with your BH.

 

If things do go towards R, and I sincerely hope that they do, please let me offer a few things that my WW and I have learned so far.

 

MC, a good idea with the correct therapist. Make sure it is one that will allow your BHs feelings and anger and fears to take priority. He must be heard first and his issues addressed before any real healing of the marriage can occur.

 

Do not hide anything. If your BH wants to know then let him know fully and completely until he asks you to stop.

 

Do not let yourself become defensive or resentful at the interogations and accusations that you will face. But I believe it is okay to ask for a break of things become too heated or overwhelming. You do need to keep yourself safe physically and emotionally. And let me tell you as strong as you may be there will come a point where you think you may break from the strain and shame of answer his questions or words spoken in anger.

 

Thank you for allowing me to share some of what I've learned during my experiences with all of this mess.

 

Good evening, unforeseen!

 

Thank you for sharing this! If I recall correctly, I think I've read some of your posts in regards to the A...maybe even your thread. The game mentioned brought it to mind....

 

Again, thank you so much for the response and the much appreciated advice.

 

I do hope that it continues to go well for you and your wife and I wish you guys happiness!

[Life lessons]

Life,

 

You're headed in the bright direction, but sometimes this question about "why" is something that never gets answered because both BH and WW are looking for something other than the reality. And that is you are an intelligent woman, you were not drugged, and you did it because it was exciting and you wanted to. That does not make you evil.

 

The point is the longer you delay telling your husband, if you are really serious about it, the more chance there is that OM will contact you again in some way and that you will be right back where you started from.

 

You convincing yourself, or some therapist convincing you as to why you climbed into bed with another man, is not going to make this process of confession any easier.

 

The important thing is that you answer all the details he asks for truthfully, and do not withhold anything under the guise on not wanting to hurt him more. That is attempting to control the outcome and is the worst thing you can do.

 

Sure, he may ask you why. And if you give him any answer other than you were selfish and ashamed of yourself, do you think he is going to believe you??? Or feel better? The "why" answer can very often be construed as to blaming BH.

 

If you are going to confess, the best way to do it is rip off the band aid and hold onto the guardrail because the ride will get bumpy. There is no way to prepare beforehand to GUARANTEE that you will be successful in getting him to give you a second chance and the longer the betrayal goes on, the worse it is. And I hope you can prove to him that if it ended some time ago it is not just your word that says you let a bunch of time lapse before confessing.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you for this!

 

Your words are wise and to the point....you make good points!

[Friskyone4u]

Thank you for this!

 

Your words are wise and to the point....you make good points!

 

Life,

 

As long as you are working up the courage, you might as well WRITE out the timelines, one in general PG rated with dates and progression, and the other X rated, with every gory detail. Because I can guarantee you, in most cases, your BH IS going to ask a lot of questions about dates and lies you told and the worst answer is " I don't remember". And under the duress you will be under it is easy to mis state or not remember.

 

He may be too pissed or hurt and say he does not want to discuss or know. MOST times that denial stage will turn to ANGER , so you just keep these timelines where you can get them if you need to.

 

And IF , and I say IF , you get to point where he still does not believe anything you told him, which may linger for a while, YOU offer to take a polygraph anytime he wants you to. The offer of that goes a long way towards helping BH believe you are not still at it underground.

 

Some will tell you do NC letter. At this point, if you are not still actively in this affair, all that will do is probably re engage communication with OM. And you have to commit to yourself that if OM contacts you again, NO DELETING, you immediately call BH and show it to him, and he decides how you handle it. The worst thing you can do is have hubby find out OM contacted you again and you did not be truthful or lie by omission.

 

I suggest you keep posting. You are going to need support.

 

NO TRICKLE TRUTH. That in many cases will be a worse enemy for you than the sex.

[QuietDan]

You have had a very busy 2-1/2 months on this site. Hundreds of posts, thousands of responses. A couple of threads.

 

It sounds like you've managed to reach the point where you are contemplating and weighing all the factors involved with confessing to your husband to help you end the affair. With this thread, it sounds like you are working through all of the issues involved with Confession and Remorse.

 

I can't recall, not sure I remember or if I have seen if you mentioned how long the affair relationship has actually been going on in total. It sounds like you two had a lengthy courtship before it actually turned physical. Then, since it sounds like there were numerous encounters, each one several weeks or months apart... it sounds like this has been going on for at least a couple of years.

 

It doesn't sound like it is necessarily really over yet, maybe sort of on the verge of being over... maybe not...

 

If anything, it sounds like whether this affair ends or not depends on whether you have a physical encounter with the other man before you experience a substantial intervention from your husband to end it.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if this affair doesn't end. I am beginning to doubt this will end until your husband finds out about it. However, until then, you will probable continue to contemplate all the pros-and-cons about your affair and confessing to your husband until your affair partner loses interest in you. If you take him at face value about having emotional feelings towards you... he may not lose interest in you. Maybe this will end up being one of those 10+ year affairs eventually...

 

You've been married...10+ years.... almost 11? So, this has been possible going on for around at least 1/5th, 1/4th, 1/3rd of the length of time of your marriage? The longer this has been going on, and continues to exist, the harder it will be to end it on your own.

[Life lessons]

Life,

 

As long as you are working up the courage, you might as well WRITE out the timelines, one in general PG rated with dates and progression, and the other X rated, with every gory detail. Because I can guarantee you, in most cases, your BH IS going to ask a lot of questions about dates and lies you told and the worst answer is " I don't remember". And under the duress you will be under it is easy to mis state or not remember.

 

He may be too pissed or hurt and say he does not want to discuss or know. MOST times that denial stage will turn to ANGER , so you just keep these timelines where you can get them if you need to.

 

And IF , and I say IF , you get to point where he still does not believe anything you told him, which may linger for a while, YOU offer to take a polygraph anytime he wants you to. The offer of that goes a long way towards helping BH believe you are not still at it underground.

 

Some will tell you do NC letter. At this point, if you are not still actively in this affair, all that will do is probably re engage communication with OM. And you have to commit to yourself that if OM contacts you again, NO DELETING, you immediately call BH and show it to him, and he decides how you handle it. The worst thing you can do is have hubby find out OM contacted you again and you did not be truthful or lie by omission.

 

I suggest you keep posting. You are going to need support.

 

NO TRICKLE TRUTH. That in many cases will be a worse enemy for you than the sex.

 

Absolutely! I agree and have already written out the timelines.

 

There's no gory details, per say, because I've never done anything with OM that I haven't done with my h. OM and I had "vanilla sex," so there's really nothing gory to portray. However, one timeline is more detailed than the other and includes the occasions when we were together, without sex involved.

 

I also agree that any further communication, such as a NC letter, with OM will only open up another means to communicate. I'd rather stay NC.

 

Thanks for the advice!

[Life lessons]

You have had a very busy 2-1/2 months on this site. Hundreds of posts, thousands of responses. A couple of threads.

 

It sounds like you've managed to reach the point where you are contemplating and weighing all the factors involved with confessing to your husband to help you end the affair. With this thread, it sounds like you are working through all of the issues involved with Confession and Remorse.

 

I can't recall, not sure I remember or if I have seen if you mentioned how long the affair relationship has actually been going on in total. It sounds like you two had a lengthy courtship before it actually turned physical. Then, since it sounds like there were numerous encounters, each one several weeks or months apart... it sounds like this has been going on for at least a couple of years.

 

It doesn't sound like it is necessarily really over yet, maybe sort of on the verge of being over... maybe not...

 

If anything, it sounds like whether this affair ends or not depends on whether you have a physical encounter with the other man before you experience a substantial intervention from your husband to end it.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if this affair doesn't end. I am beginning to doubt this will end until your husband finds out about it. However, until then, you will probable continue to contemplate all the pros-and-cons about your affair and confessing to your husband until your affair partner loses interest in you. If you take him at face value about having emotional feelings towards you... he may not lose interest in you. Maybe this will end up being one of those 10+ year affairs eventually...

 

You've been married...10+ years.... almost 11? So, this has been possible going on for around at least 1/5th, 1/4th, 1/3rd of the length of time of your marriage? The longer this has been going on, and continues to exist, the harder it will be to end it on your own.

 

The A, in its entirety was a little less than a year. OM and I had an EA for a few months and then it turned into a PA. We had intercourse a few times, within the same month and then it turned back to an EA....we communicated daily after the few times we had sex.

 

I can assure you the A has ended. I'm not going to be dishonest and say it's easy, but I know it's for the best.

[Friskyone4u]

Absolutely! I agree and have already written out the timelines.

 

There's no gory details, per say, because I've never done anything with OM that I haven't done with my h. OM and I had "vanilla sex," so there's really nothing gory to portray. However, one timeline is more detailed than the other and includes the occasions when we were together, without sex involved.

 

I also agree that any further communication, such as a NC letter, with OM will only open up another means to communicate. I'd rather stay NC.

 

Thanks for the advice!

 

Life,

 

OK, Looks like you are as prepared as you are going to be. only a few more things and if you are ever going to do it, now will be the time

(1) prepare a list of things you will do to attempt to make him feel safe. Don't wait for him to give you one. and make yours over specific and intrusive on YOU. Assure BH you do not feel it is punishment but that you want to do it.

(2) voluntarily REMOVE any toxic friends who knew or encouraged you. If they exist still, they will be the same ones telling you NOT to confess and to deny and deny some more and only reveal what you have to. If you have these friend or friends, they will be also the ones telling you that he needs to "get over it" and that it should not impact your GNO fun with them if you do that. listen to them at your own peril.

(3) Lastly, you need to prepare in your own mind, knowing if OM breaks NC or see OM again, on your step by step course of action. none of this is held back from husband. I think you saw how bad a reaction our friend Deadsoul got when she was not prepared and saw OM and actually approached him.

 

Like I said before, you can make all the plans, take all the advice, and you can also count on something unexpected coming up.

 

When and if you do it, you MUST let go of the outcome and not try to "bargain" with BH and make deals.He decides how many times he wants to go over it, he decides when you are intimate again, and he decides what he wants to do. You take it one day at a time.

 

Go buy your football helmet and get ready for a long process because no matter what he says or does, especially if he immediately says he forgives and wants to move on, do not count on that sticking. that is the worst possible secenerio. Getting it all out there and communicating will increase your chances of successful R if he chooses that.

[deadsoul]

Life,

 

OK, Looks like you are as prepared as you are going to be. only a few more things and if you are ever going to do it, now will be the time

(1) prepare a list of things you will do to attempt to make him feel safe. Don't wait for him to give you one. and make yours over specific and intrusive on YOU. Assure BH you do not feel it is punishment but that you want to do it.

(2) voluntarily REMOVE any toxic friends who knew or encouraged you. If they exist still, they will be the same ones telling you NOT to confess and to deny and deny some more and only reveal what you have to. If you have these friend or friends, they will be also the ones telling you that he needs to "get over it" and that it should not impact your GNO fun with them if you do that. listen to them at your own peril.

(3) Lastly, you need to prepare in your own mind, knowing if OM breaks NC or see OM again, on your step by step course of action. none of this is held back from husband. I think you saw how bad a reaction our friend Deadsoul got when she was not prepared and saw OM and actually approached him.

 

Like I said before, you can make all the plans, take all the advice, and you can also count on something unexpected coming up.

 

When and if you do it, you MUST let go of the outcome and not try to "bargain" with BH and make deals.He decides how many times he wants to go over it, he decides when you are intimate again, and he decides what he wants to do. You take it one day at a time.

 

Go buy your football helmet and get ready for a long process because no matter what he says or does, especially if he immediately says he forgives and wants to move on, do not count on that sticking. that is the worst possible secenerio. Getting it all out there and communicating will increase your chances of successful R if he chooses that.

 

That was definitely NOT one of my better moments. I'm much better prepared now. Unfortunately I tend to have to touch the stove to realize it's hot. It was a very big learning moment for me and I treat it as such.

 

Sorry for the t/j LL. You know I believe in you and trust you will do the right thing for you and your family

[GoldenR]

Absolutely! I agree and have already written out the timelines.

 

There's no gory details, per say, because I've never done anything with OM that I haven't done with my h. OM and I had "vanilla sex," so there's really nothing gory to portray. However, one timeline is more detailed than the other and includes the occasions when we were together, without sex involved.

 

I also agree that any further communication, such as a NC letter, with OM will only open up another means to communicate. I'd rather stay NC.

 

Thanks for the advice!

 

You've come a long way.

 

But there's still a long way to go. You still don't quite seen to "get it"......you have no idea what you've done to your H.

 

For example: Your "vanilla sex" is going to be 100% gory to your H. Believe me, it is. It will make him nauseated, and possibly throw up.

 

Honestly, I'm not sure any wayward understands what they truly did until their BS finds out

[QuietDan]

Well, there is, I encourage you to do the right thing.

I hope you do the right thing.

I want to believe you will do the right thing.

I know that you haven't done the right thing.

Perhaps you are trying to do the right thing.

It sounds like you may be starting to do the right thing.

It doesn't sound like you entirely trust yourself to do the right thing.

Which is probable smart. Hopefully you will take precautions to avoid temptation or avoid doing difficult things.... But, time will tell...

Not to sure trusting you to do the right thing is necessarily here nor there.

We do not have to live with the consequences if you don't. Nice words, Nice hope, but...

Can you truly be trusted to do the right thing?

Can you trust a alcoholic to not fall off the wagon and start drinking again?

You don't know, or aren't willing to admit to what and why you had the affair.

How can you avoid having another affair if you don't even know why you had it? All you can do is take one step at a time in the right direction.

Eventually, it may become a habit.

The intentional effort won't be as challenging....

Then... watch... be careful.... be on your guard for relapses....

Work towards doing the right thing...

 

If the wayward here can't even recognize or acknowledge to herself why she chose to do what she did, how can she be trusted at this point in time?

 

Maybe you will, maybe you won't...

[Mr. Lucky]

The A, in its entirety was a little less than a year. OM and I had an EA for a few months and then it turned into a PA. We had intercourse a few times, within the same month and then it turned back to an EA....we communicated daily after the few times we had sex.

 

All of those qualifiers - "less than a year", "a few months", "had intercourse a few times", "the few times we had sex" - won't matter to your BH.

 

Which means you should stop minimizing your A this way, it won't help you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Life lessons]

All of those qualifiers - "less than a year", "a few months", "had intercourse a few times", "the few times we had sex" - won't matter to your BH.

 

Which means you should stop minimizing your A this way, it won't help you...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Mr. lucky, my previous post was not minimizing the situation, it was explaining the situation to a poster that posed questions that pertained to my above answers.

 

I'm not intentionally trying to minimize the affair.

 

I'm aware that what I've stated will not matter to my h. The thing that's going to matter is that I gave myself to another man. I fully understand that.

 

Btw, I like your signature. It speaks a lot!

Edited May 7, 2017 by Life lessons

[Life lessons]

You've come a long way.

 

But there's still a long way to go. You still don't quite seen to "get it"......you have no idea what you've done to your H.

 

For example: Your "vanilla sex" is going to be 100% gory to your H. Believe me, it is. It will make him nauseated, and possibly throw up.

 

Honestly, I'm not sure any wayward understands what they truly did until their BS finds out

 

Yes, I agree. I do comprehend what you're saying. The vanilla sex will indeed be gory to h....quite sickening.

 

I do think you may be correct, in stating that....most probably don't know the why...but as it's been stated....the why's really don't matter much. There's obviously the entitlement. The selfishness. The disregard.....I only hate that I let myself get into that situation. I let myself become weak and numb.

[aliveagain]

Yes, I agree. I do comprehend what you're saying. The vanilla sex will indeed be gory to h....quite sickening.

 

I do think you may be correct, in stating that....most probably don't know the why...but as it's been stated....the why's really don't matter much. There's obviously the entitlement. The selfishness. The disregard.....I only hate that I let myself get into that situation. I let myself become weak and numb.

 

When you confess please consider that most men believe that their family is the absolute foundation, their base of operations for everything they do so when you finally pull the rug from under his feet focus on your failings, he and your children are innocent. Please go in with the right attitude or everything will be lost.

[selfawareness]

Questions for you Lifelesson. Is this your first marriage? Did you have many partners as a single woman? What type of personality do you have (mostly extrovert vs mostly introvert)? These questions are to get to know you better. We here talk a lot without knowing a person's background. Some people will argue about these questions validity others ignore it altogether. That's fine. Im coming from the idea that the school slut falling is not the same in my eyes as a self respecting woman--with all the degrees of it in between. To what end of the spectrum are you? School slut so to speak or self respecting one?

[selfawareness]

In fact every poster here should be asked and self disclose that because it helps on the approach to take with the advise. The school slut needs to look into her self worth and self respect before we start talking to her about admiring and respecting others. The crime (affair) is worst coming from a self respecting individual. The fall is worst for the such. Interestingly enough some people will challenge the very idea that someone's past has anything to do with their current decisions/actions...I would challenge you to the tune of 150/hr that it is so. Some people think of me judgemental but Im not, Im merely pointing out that telling your husband that you cheated is the least of your worries. The major worry you should have is who are you, which is defined by our actions and intentions. The worst thing about finding out about a spouse cheating is that you are not who your spouse thought you to be. Betrayal in any form is one of the hardest psychological realities. A spouse's betrayal is the worst of betrayals. There's nothing vanilla about it even though I understand why you used the word--your getting flirted with, romanced, kissed, held, grabbed, undressed and ****ed will be the most erotic, painful, repulsive and numbing 'movie' your husband will ever 'watch.' There will be nothing vanilla about it. The outcome is truly an unknown if he ever finds out but you have committed treason of the highest order...at least find out why, find out who you are, find out who he is to you. Your poor husband...

Edited May 8, 2017 by selfawareness

[Life lessons]

Questions for you Lifelesson. Is this your first marriage? Did you have many partners as a single woman? What type of personality do you have (mostly extrovert vs mostly introvert)? These questions are to get to know you better. We here talk a lot without knowing a person's background. Some people will argue about these questions validity others ignore it altogether. That's fine. Im coming from the idea that the school slut falling is not the same in my eyes as a self respecting woman--with all the degrees of it in between. To what end of the spectrum are you? School slut so to speak or self respecting one?

 

Yes sir-1st marriage.

 

I don't mind the questions-not really certain what some are to prove but here's the answers.

 

I had 2 partners that I wasn't in a relationship with....3, if we're including my ex AP......

 

Extrovert personality, although in my teen years through early 20's, people would classify and put a label on me as "stuck up" because I had to get to know someone better, before I would have conversations. (This is the reasoning I'm assuming why I was called stuck up...I've been told by some, after the fact, that They think I'm actually a cool person and just assumed I was stuck up...before actually getting to "know" me.) Now, I'm totally different and that is probably due to my profession.... I am mid management.....I think the referenced things are what you're asking!?

 

Definitely wasn't a school slut----or what I imagine that being, as it's pretty explanatory. I remained a virgin through high school.

[selfawareness]

Thank you for sharing. Did you settle for your husband or was he everything you wanted and wished for?

[Friskyone4u]

Yes sir-1st marriage.

 

I don't mind the questions-not really certain what some are to prove but here's the answers.

 

I had 2 partners that I wasn't in a relationship with....3, if we're including my ex AP......

 

Extrovert personality, although in my teen years through early 20's, people would classify and put a label on me as "stuck up" because I had to get to know someone better, before I would have conversations. (This is the reasoning I'm assuming why I was called stuck up...I've been told by some, after the fact, that They think I'm actually a cool person and just assumed I was stuck up...before actually getting to "know" me.) Now, I'm totally different and that is probably due to my profession.... I am mid management.....I think the referenced things are what you're asking!?

 

Definitely wasn't a school slut----or what I imagine that being, as it's pretty explanatory. I remained a virgin through high school.

 

 

Life,

 

Not sure what all this physchoanalysis has anything to do with you handling a confession to your husband. If anyone thinks he is going to give a **** how many partners you had or your sex life before you met him when you initially confess I think you are mistaken. Your first hurdle is going to be how to do and say the right things to keep the boat afloat initially, not come up with why you think what you did was worse or better based on your sexual history.

 

if your BH is like most, you are going to have to navigate a minefield of questions that none of that is going to apply to.

 

I;d forget about what anyone thought about you and concentrate on the answers to how you become "safe" if you get the chance and he does not pull the plug. And how since you are so afraid you will not be strong enough not to relapse if you get contacted again is going to be guaranteed to your husband.

[Life lessons]

You posted this on Coping forum on Feb 19th

 

I felt relieved after my 1st divorce. We had a 1 year old child together and I went through a tough delegation and custody split because he was with my best friend and didn't want to pay child support.

 

 

Sorry if i'm reading this wrong, LL ???

 

Yes, it was not a traditional marriage.

 

This is my first "traditional" marriage.

[Life lessons]

Thank you for sharing. Did you settle for your husband or was he everything you wanted and wished for?

 

No, I didn't settle for my husband...we did marry quickly but that's because I loved him.....not because I settled.

 

Yes, he was everything I wanted and wished for.

 

I know it's crazy to some of you guys for me to say this but he still is.

 

I can't imagine my life without him!

[Life lessons]

Life,

 

Not sure what all this physchoanalysis has anything to do with you handling a confession to your husband. If anyone thinks he is going to give a **** how many partners you had or your sex life before you met him when you initially confess I think you are mistaken. Your first hurdle is going to be how to do and say the right things to keep the boat afloat initially, not come up with why you think what you did was worse or better based on your sexual history.

 

if your BH is like most, you are going to have to navigate a minefield of questions that none of that is going to apply to.

 

I;d forget about what anyone thought about you and concentrate on the answers to how you become "safe" if you get the chance and he does not pull the plug. And how since you are so afraid you will not be strong enough not to relapse if you get contacted again is going to be guaranteed to your husband.

 

Yeah!? Me either.

 

Just answering questions, as I stated.

[kgcolonel]

Yeah!? Me either.

 

Just answering questions, as I stated.

 

While my wife aren't going through any infidelity (that i know of), we do have some really significant issues with communication....when she does something that triggers me, she habitually and instinctively will follow the apology with an "I just wanted to..." or "I was just planning to ....". This is infuriating to me in that it feels as though she is justifying what she has done....

 

When you do have The Talk (I am one of those on the fence on that) please just simply fall on the sword..."I messed up really bad, I am so very sorry that i did this and this is what i am doing to ensure it never happens again. Don't try to explain why because that will sound like justification to your H....

[selfawareness]

So you have a child with your husband and another from a previous non-traditional marriage for which you got a divorce . Do you have have children with someone else?

 

Also you said that you wanted OM to fall in love with you, why? You also said that you didn't want to fall in love with him but found out that you can't control that. When you started to fall in love with the other man, or to have feelings for him as you wrote, did you start to consider a life with him at any point? Did your marriage feel monotonous or spark lacking when affair happened?

 

p.s. If my questions bother you please tell me and I'll stop. They seemed to bother Friskione4u but I don't care, I wasn't talking to him or preventing whatever great advice he may have from being shared. Also what Im asking you is not in reference to sharing or not as I already pointed out but as to who you are.

[Life lessons]

So you have a child with your husband and another from a previous non-traditional marriage for which you got a divorce . Do you have have children with someone else?

 

Also you said that you wanted OM to fall in love with you, why? You also said that you didn't want to fall in love with him but found out that you can't control that. When you started to fall in love with the other man, or to have feelings for him as you wrote, did you start to consider a life with him at any point? Did your marriage feel monotonous or spark lacking when affair happened?

 

p.s. If my questions bother you please tell me and I'll stop. They seemed to bother Friskione4u but I don't care, I wasn't talking to him or preventing whatever great advice he may have from being shared. Also what Im asking you is not in reference to sharing or not as I already pointed out but as to who you are.

 

Yes-only 2 biological children. The first marriage was very short lived....no A involved and we were legally married less than a year. My marriage now has been over 10 years.

 

Yes, I did. Basically meaning that I didn't care if he fell in love with me but no, I didn't want to fall in love with him, nor have I. I don't think one can control all feelings but I do think I did control myself so that I didn't fall in love.

 

Yes, I do have feelings for him...not strong enough to be love.... but even my feelings are lessening each day. More so when there's no speaking to him. It helps the situation tremendously.

 

I've never imagined a life with the OM. I've always known it was what it was and there would never be a future with him. I've never wanted that with OM. As I've stated before, even if H chose not to R, I would not be with OM, in a relationship.

 

My marriage has always felt monogamous. I've always been attracted to my h and I've always loved my h. I know people say A's don't just happen and I know there were numerous steps involved, but I never intended for it to go as far as it did. I never saw myself having an A. Even when OM spent hours talking to me, I told myself that it would not go any further....obviously I was wrong.