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Confession.....? Remorse?

Life lessons

By Life lessons
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aliveagain Established Member

aliveagain

Posted
Posted
I agree that confession should come before I quit....if I were to quit, but I'm pretty confident that I can move to another location, so that I don't see OM....and I'm currently on the process of making that happen! So therefore, when I confess, I will already be out of the building that OM comes to.

 

I'm also confident that if I ask OM not to come back to my area....or ask his boss not to send him down, then they would both honor my request, but I think transferring is the best option! Then I won't have to get his company involved by transferring.

 

I know my h is going to ask why I'm transferring locations and I don't want to continue to be dishonest with him, so therefore I think that's when I'll have an opportunity to confess.

 

Have your timeline printed and sealed in a large brown envelope including all of your passwords(he may choose to not see the details, let it be his choice). Get yourself into independent counselling before you confess and use your counsellors help with the confession if you need to. Be prepared to offer him a postnuptial agreement for his security as well as a polygraph to confirm you are being truthful, he can choose who he wants to implement the test. All these things will help him to decide in favour of reconciliation. Second chances are earned, do not waste the gift if he offers it to you.

  • Like 3
Mrs. John Adams Established Member

Mrs. John Adams

Posted
Posted (edited)
Mrs A you speak with common sense and wisdom from your experiences but the above is profound. Only 'LL knows what her husband is like and likely to do but a few points when he asks for the full story.

 

I accepted his apps so we could chat easier

I initiated the first kiss

I initiated the sex and went back twice

I have kept graphic pics of him

I have to change jobs because I don't think I could resist him.

But I love you and want to stay and prove it Hubby.

 

 

I don't know what he would do but faced with those points I know what choice I would make.

 

Good look LL I hope I am wrong.

 

I have already stated that none of us knows what her husband will choose. How can we? My opinion is based on the movement I see her making toward reconciliation. It is just my opinion...it means absolutley nothing....but I do want her to know I am seeing progress and to keep encouraging her toward her goal.

 

She KNOWS what she has done...she KNOWS this is an uphill battle....she KNOWS the outcome could be divorce.

 

But let's look where she has come from....she told us about her affair...and that she would never confess. Now...she has decided to confess. She said she would not quit her job. Now she has put in for a transfer.

 

You see...she is taking babysteps...but she is making progress.

 

Her husband...may be like my husband....he may decide that the action she is taking NOW is what helps him decide to reconcile...he may not hold her PAST against her.

 

You just made it clear that you would choose divorce. You are entitled to that choice if this was your wife. But it isn't.

 

Sometimes....when a person is beaten down...the last thing they need is to be beaten down.

 

Sometimes...a word of encouragement helps them to make good and right decisions.

 

LL...You have made a ton of bad choices...many of us have....stay focused on your goal. You can do this.

Edited by Mrs. John Adams
  • Like 4
Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
LL...I think you should confess first and tell him that you will do whatever he wants you to do...including quitting your job. You allow him to make the decision that he needs to make....and you show him your sincerity in helping him heal by offering to make yourself vulnerable.

 

Good advice. Becoming a BS involves feeling powerless, amongst other things.

 

If he chooses to participate, allowing him to make these decisions gives him some of his marital mojo back...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 3
Mrs. John Adams Established Member

Mrs. John Adams

Posted
Posted
Have your timeline printed and sealed in a large brown envelope including all of your passwords(he may choose to not see the details, let it be his choice). Get yourself into independent counselling before you confess and use your counsellors help with the confession if you need to. Be prepared to offer him a postnuptial agreement for his security as well as a polygraph to confirm you are being truthful, he can choose who he wants to implement the test. All these things will help him to decide in favour of reconciliation. Second chances are earned, do not waste the gift if he offers it to you.

 

I love this advice AA....and will add this to it.

 

LL...your husband may not ask you for any of this...he may not want a timeline...or passwords or a lie detector test. The point here that you need to take to heart is ...that you are WILLING to give him whatever he needs. Remember...you have had a long time to process everything you have done and said...and you are going to dump all of this in his lap and his head will be spinning and his heart breaking. He is going to have to process all of it...so the questions may not come immediately. What he will be looking for is truth coming from your eyes and your lips and your heart.....he will be looking for sorrow and regret for what you have done...and sincerity in your intentions.

 

We cannot predict his reaction...and I wish we could. I can tell you that my husband grew silent....very very silent. He was broken.

 

Whatever his reaction is....be prepared as best you can ...to give him what he asks for.

  • Like 5
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Life lessons Established Member

Life lessons

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Mrs A you speak with common sense and wisdom from your experiences but the above is profound. Only 'LL knows what her husband is like and likely to do but a few points when he asks for the full story.

 

I accepted his apps so we could chat easier

I initiated the first kiss

I initiated the sex and went back twice

I have kept graphic pics of him

I have to change jobs because I don't think I could resist him.

But I love you and want to stay and prove it Hubby.

 

 

I don't know what he would do but faced with those points I know what choice I would make.

 

Good look LL I hope I am wrong.

 

Yes, that all looks very bad! I now see that just how bad it actually is!

 

The first kiss I did go in for after several failed attempts on his part. So yeah, I'm the one that made it finally happen. Although he tried several times and I refused the first few.

 

As far as the sex,in all honesty, it was equal parts him and I. I know it's horrible to say but we knew it was going to happen before it happened! There was a lot of sexual tension between us! Although I'm the one that planned for it to happen....once he saw the opportunity, like many others, he acted on it.

 

There's a reason I kept the photos I did, but I'm not going to elaborate the reasoning behind that here. I can say they are photos I don't look at and reminisce. It has nothing to do with the sexual aspect of the photos! Regardless of what some of you think of me, I'm not an ignorant person! I think many things through and that is why I choose to hang on to the photos. Yeah...I know...the A wasn't one of those!

 

I'm at a point now where I do think I could resist him but I've had this feeling before, so I don't want to take that risk.....

 

And yes, regardless of the A...I love my husband dearly. Again, I know many doubt this because of the A., but I truly love him with all of my being!

 

I hope you're wrong as well. I'm not holding much faith in forgiveness or reconciliation...as I don't see that happening!

 

I do think with every ounce of my being that my h will truly hate me.

Mrs. John Adams Established Member

Mrs. John Adams

Posted
Posted
Yes, that all looks very bad! I now see that just how bad it actually is!

 

The first kiss I did go in for after several failed attempts on his part. So yeah, I'm the one that made it finally happen. Although he tried several times and I refused the first few.

 

As far as the sex,in all honesty, it was equal parts him and I. I know it's horrible to say but we knew it was going to happen before it happened! There was a lot of sexual tension between us! Although I'm the one that planned for it to happen....once he saw the opportunity, like many others, he acted on it.

 

There's a reason I kept the photos I did, but I'm not going to elaborate the reasoning behind that here. I can say they are photos I don't look at and reminisce. It has nothing to do with the sexual aspect of the photos! Regardless of what some of you think of me, I'm not an ignorant person! I think many things through and that is why I choose to hang on to the photos. Yeah...I know...the A wasn't one of those!

 

I'm at a point now where I do think I could resist him but I've had this feeling before, so I don't want to take that risk.....

 

And yes, regardless of the A...I love my husband dearly. Again, I know many doubt this because of the A., but I truly love him with all of my being!

 

I hope you're wrong as well. I'm not holding much faith in forgiveness or reconciliation...as I don't see that happening!

 

I do think with every ounce of my being that my h will truly hate me.

 

Let's hope he hates what you did and not you.

  • Like 6
aliveagain Established Member

aliveagain

Posted
Posted (edited)

The marriage was always about the two of you. What married you to each other wasn't some document from the government, that document is only a public record to record the two of you giving each other your word, your word married you. You failed him by not keeping your word but that doesn't mean it is over. What you do now to show him that you are remorseful, that you value him more then anything else and are willing to do anything he asks to earn back his trust no matter how long it takes, that is what will save your relationship because it's already broken. He is about to discover just how badly it is broken, you have known for years. Give him back his dignity by allowing him to decide your future together. It is still only about the two of you, always was always will be. Start by changing your attitude towards the other man.

Edited by aliveagain
  • Like 3
aileD Established Member

aileD

Posted
Posted

Are you addicted to this MM or is the attention that you're addicted to?

 

I don't think you should keep anything from him but as as BS in reconciliation, it helps me to know that it was not this particular OW that my H was obsessed with....that it was more the attention and praise and affection and submission she gave him that drew him in and kept him connected.

 

Your H is going to want to know everything about MM and that's fine but I think you should tell him in a way that focuses on your weaknesses and the reasons why you were not strong enough to stay faithful (your personal traits, NOT because you had a bad marriage or whatever...don't blame h).

 

I don't know. Don't lie to him but don't shoot yourself in the foot either. admit your faults, your weaknesses and admit that you made a choice and it was the wrong choice and you see that now.

  • Like 1
Whatnotagain Member

Whatnotagain

Posted
Posted (edited)

I know what you need to do to kill contact with this man once and for all, but the question is are you willing to do it. Because if you do, not only are you going to have to expose your affair to your husband, but also to your employer. I know because my wife who cheated with a coworker that was 2000 miles away in another state, that was part of her team that she communicated with on a regular basis, had to do this.

 

First is you need to write him a letter stating that you no longer wish to have contact with him and to never contact you again. Send it to him using the company email system with a read receipt, CC the person that is in charge of HR for the company you work for. Once you send that letter, HR is obligated to inform him that you have requested no communication with him and if he tries to communicate with you, it will result in his termination. If he does contact you then it is considered harassment. Do not be nice to this guy, be mean. The person you need to be nice to is your husband, not the OM, if you really want to continue in your marriage. After that, move to the other side of the org chart as far away as possible from the OM. This will allow you to remain employed while you seek another job with another company if that is what your husband wants you to do. The OM may have been bold when he was initially pursuing you to have the affair, but you will find out is that he is really a coward when his neck is on the line and he would have thrown you under the bus first if he knew this was coming.

 

Because this affair happened in the work place it is likely to become exposed to the company anyway, whether or not you decide to disclose the affair to your husband. There is the possibility that you could be terminated along with the OM, but that is a chance you have to take[] What you are doing is damage control and trying to limit the negative consequences at work, allowing you to remain employed. What happens to your marriage will be up to your husband, but it is better for the both of you if you remain employed, especially if you don't remain together.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content
  • Like 2
JohnAdams Established Member

JohnAdams

Posted
Posted
Yes, that all looks very bad! I now see that just how bad it actually is!

 

The first kiss I did go in for after several failed attempts on his part. So yeah, I'm the one that made it finally happen. Although he tried several times and I refused the first few.

 

As far as the sex,in all honesty, it was equal parts him and I. I know it's horrible to say but we knew it was going to happen before it happened! There was a lot of sexual tension between us! Although I'm the one that planned for it to happen....once he saw the opportunity, like many others, he acted on it.

 

There's a reason I kept the photos I did, but I'm not going to elaborate the reasoning behind that here. I can say they are photos I don't look at and reminisce. It has nothing to do with the sexual aspect of the photos! Regardless of what some of you think of me, I'm not an ignorant person! I think many things through and that is why I choose to hang on to the photos. Yeah...I know...the A wasn't one of those!

 

I'm at a point now where I do think I could resist him but I've had this feeling before, so I don't want to take that risk.....

 

And yes, regardless of the A...I love my husband dearly. Again, I know many doubt this because of the A., but I truly love him with all of my being!

 

I hope you're wrong as well. I'm not holding much faith in forgiveness or reconciliation...as I don't see that happening!

 

I do think with every ounce of my being that my h will truly hate me.

 

Hopefully he will not hate you. Looking back, I can see if things, the confession, would have been slightly different, I could have hated my wife.

 

Emotions run wild, and chances are he will want to hate you. I do not know your husband, but, as a man and one who has certainly read enough on forums to know this is the ultimate blow to ego and certainly will at least temporarily emasculate him. I wish you well and hope it goes well for you and your husband.

  • Like 5
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Life lessons Established Member

Life lessons

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Are you addicted to this MM or is the attention that you're addicted to?

 

I don't think you should keep anything from him but as as BS in reconciliation, it helps me to know that it was not this particular OW that my H was obsessed with....that it was more the attention and praise and affection and submission she gave him that drew him in and kept him connected.

 

Your H is going to want to know everything about MM and that's fine but I think you should tell him in a way that focuses on your weaknesses and the reasons why you were not strong enough to stay faithful (your personal traits, NOT because you had a bad marriage or whatever...don't blame h).

 

I don't know. Don't lie to him but don't shoot yourself in the foot either. admit your faults, your weaknesses and admit that you made a choice and it was the wrong choice and you see that now.

 

 

It's definitely addiction, in my eyes. I would say the attention is more-so where the addictiveness comes from.

aileD Established Member

aileD

Posted
Posted
It's definitely addiction, in my eyes. I would say the attention is more-so where the addictiveness comes from.

 

I would just make sure your husband knows that. I know I feel better NOW (8 mos into reconciliation) knowing that the affair was more about the attention than this woman.

 

I hope your husband doesn't hate you. I'm sure he'll be angry. But I hope you guys can figure it out .

  • Like 1
drifter777 Established Member

drifter777

Posted
Posted

And yes, regardless of the A...I love my husband dearly. Again, I know many doubt this because of the A., but I truly love him with all of my being!

So, you don't see that unless you have a uniquely warped definition of love that this is simply not possible? It's actually insulting to me to hear that any woman could actually rationalize cheating to this extreme.

 

Yeah, your husband will at least try to reconcile with you - we all do...

  • Like 2
Mrs. John Adams Established Member

Mrs. John Adams

Posted
Posted
So, you don't see that unless you have a uniquely warped definition of love that this is simply not possible? It's actually insulting to me to hear that any woman could actually rationalize cheating to this extreme.

 

Yeah, your husband will at least try to reconcile with you - we all do...

 

She has been out of the affair long enough to realize whether she does or does not love her husband. Sometimes love isn't enough...especially to reconcile...but her husband gets to make that call.

 

We will hope if he does decides to give her the gift of reconciliation...that he does not harbor feelings of resentment toward her for the next thirty years.

  • Like 1
Unforseen Established Member

Unforseen

Posted
Posted

Hate. Even the sound of the word is harsh. Yes, he will hate you. Probably not for long but yes, hate will drop into the spin-the-wheel of emotions that your BH will experience. There was hate, betrayal, anger, a desire for revenge, a desire to seek vengeance against the OMs, pity, self pity, hopelessness, deep and horrible sorrow, powerlessness, and you get the point.

 

I shifted that hate to the OMs because I love my WW. But at times when I couldn't sleep and was on mind movie overload I would briefly hate my WW for what she had done to me, to us, and to herself.

 

The way that you show regret and then remorse will help your BH feel for you again and maybe even empathize with your and your pain and shame for what you have done.

 

Depends on the BH.

Depends on the WW.

  • Like 1
mercy Established Member

mercy

Posted
Posted

And yes, regardless of the A...I love my husband dearly. Again, I know many doubt this because of the A., but I truly love him with all of my being!

 

 

 

 

I don't doubt you at all. Just remember how much you do when he reacts to the news. My h loved me through the pain. Hopefully you can do the same for your h.

GoldenR Established Member

GoldenR

Posted
Posted

All this love/hate talk...

 

No one can convince me that when they're having sex with their AP, that they are just filled with love for their BS. It just isn't possible.

  • Like 1
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Life lessons Established Member

Life lessons

Posted
  • Author
Posted
All this love/hate talk...

 

No one can convince me that when they're having sex with their AP, that they are just filled with love for their BS. It just isn't possible.

 

It's not exactly like we're thinking of our s/o while having sex with someone else. That's obvious!

 

I understand your difficulty believing that one can love the spouse deeply, if they're willing to have an affair but I'm here telling you that is exactly my case--I love my husband with every ounce of my being, and never stopped loving my h. But as stated, I obviously didn't think of my h when I was having sex with the OM. Is it messed up? Absolutely! But that doesn't make my love any less!

GoldenR Established Member

GoldenR

Posted
Posted
It's not exactly like we're thinking of our s/o while having sex with someone else. That's obvious!

 

I understand your difficulty believing that one can love the spouse deeply, if they're willing to have an affair but I'm here telling you that is exactly my case--I love my husband with every ounce of my being, and never stopped loving my h. But as stated, I obviously didn't think of my h when I was having sex with the OM. Is it messed up? Absolutely! But that doesn't make my love any less!

 

Actually, it does. It makes it less than his love for you.

  • Like 3
JohnAdams Established Member

JohnAdams

Posted
Posted
Actually, it does. It makes it less than his love for you.

 

Unfortunately yes, this is true. This is actually one of the most hurtful things. For the rest of your life you, the BS, realizes that you love him less than he thought.

  • Like 5
mercy Established Member

mercy

Posted
Posted
All this love/hate talk...

 

No one can convince me that when they're having sex with their AP, that they are just filled with love for their BS. It just isn't possible.

 

I'm not even going to try. ;)

 

There was no love lost between h and I during the affair.

 

I was speaking about reconciliation.

Mrs. John Adams Established Member

Mrs. John Adams

Posted
Posted
Unfortunately yes, this is true. This is actually one of the most hurtful things. For the rest of your life you, the BS, realizes that you love him less than he thought.

 

This^^^^^^

 

He thought he was my world...I proved he wasn't.

 

I have spent the last 33 years trying to show him he is.

 

The gift that keeps on giving...infidelity

  • Like 3
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Life lessons Established Member

Life lessons

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I'm not even going to try. ;)

 

There was no love lost between h and I during the affair.

 

I was speaking about reconciliation.

 

I do feel the same as you!

 

I don't feel like there was any love lost....I never felt I loved him less!

  • Author
Life lessons Established Member

Life lessons

Posted
  • Author
Posted
This^^^^^^

 

He thought he was my world...I proved he wasn't.

 

I have spent the last 33 years trying to show him he is.

 

The gift that keeps on giving...infidelity

 

It's amazing that you received a second chance.....you are definitely blessed!

 

If I recall correctly, your husband had a revenge affair, correct? Is that common for men or the betrayed? Why is it okay for the revenge affair to occur? Doesn't that put you both on that same level of betrayal?

  • Like 1
Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
No one can convince me that when they're having sex with their AP, that they are just filled with love for their BS. It just isn't possible.

 

I understand your difficulty believing that one can love the spouse deeply, if they're willing to have an affair but I'm here telling you that is exactly my case--I love my husband with every ounce of my being, and never stopped loving my h. But as stated, I obviously didn't think of my h when I was having sex with the OM. Is it messed up? Absolutely! But that doesn't make my love any less!

 

I'm not even going to try. ;)

 

There was no love lost between h and I during the affair.

 

This is like arguing about how many angels fit on the head of a pin.

 

Life lessons, your BH will care less about what you felt and more about what you've done. I'd keep it simple and straight-forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 2
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