Ex girlfriend always texts back immediately [UPDATED Drunk dialed by ex girlfriend]

[Tolliver]

I have to say, and I appreciate all of the responses in the thread, and maybe it shouldn't come as a surprise, but after reading through tonnes of threads the norm here is usually to look at these things through a bitter lens and drop statements like "emotional tampon" and move on. These things don't happen in a vacuum. This girl told me in early April to leave her alone, so I did, and all of a sudden the floodgates open up this past week. Surely, my going away had some effect on her state of mind? Maybe she actually did miss me a little bit? Isn't it possible she can be a little conflicted, is what I mean.

[Blanco]

No one said she can't be or isn't conflicted. Not the same thing as wanting you back. How old are you? 21-year-olds aren't exactly known for their maturity.

[Tolliver]

No one said she can't be or isn't conflicted. Not the same thing as wanting you back. How old are you? 21-year-olds aren't exactly known for their maturity.

 

Fair enough - I'm sorry, you're right. I'm 32. Old enough to know better, still hurts. Thanks for all your help, everybody.

[SoThatHappened]

You mention she's much younger than you. At her age of 21, I'm assuming you're early to mid-thirties?

 

After dating a 22 y/o when I was 33/34, I would suggest walking away.

 

I know it hurts, but you have to get your head back on straight and not get emotionally attached to any women younger than 25... actually probably 28.

 

Save yourself the heartache and headache. Trust me.

[Zahara]

I have to say, and I appreciate all of the responses in the thread, and maybe it shouldn't come as a surprise, but after reading through tonnes of threads the norm here is usually to look at these things through a bitter lens and drop statements like "emotional tampon" and move on. These things don't happen in a vacuum. This girl told me in early April to leave her alone, so I did, and all of a sudden the floodgates open up this past week. Surely, my going away had some effect on her state of mind? Maybe she actually did miss me a little bit? Isn't it possible she can be a little conflicted, is what I mean.

 

So what if she missed you a bit? It doesn't change the fact that she doesn't want to be with you. You're magnifying crumbs (a bit) when the fact of the matter is -- she is CHOOSING not to be with you. Focus on the latter. She's even retracting contact and telling you she made a mistake and doesn't want to lead you on. How clear can she be?

 

It's hard to find clarity through your lenses because you are in an emotional fog.

[Tolliver]

So what if she missed you a bit? It doesn't change the fact that she doesn't want to be with you. You're magnifying crumbs (a bit) when the fact of the matter is -- she is CHOOSING not to be with you. Focus on the latter. She's even retracting contact and telling you she made a mistake and doesn't want to lead you on. How clear can she be?

 

It's hard to find clarity through your lenses because you are in an emotional fog.

 

There we go again with the pejoratives, "crumbs." I honestly do appreciate the fact that you are taking time out of your day to read and reply to this. But, I don't think I am magnifying anything that anybody else in a similar situation wouldn't. The trajectory here is pretty simple, we hardly spoke for the first 7 weeks of our breakup but all of a sudden here she is blowing up my phone. It's seriously confusing, even taking her retraction of her drunken invite to her place into consideration.

 

Now my head is further spinning because just now 3 minutes ago she texted me a pic of a coat she ordered off Amazon. I don't think I'm even going to reply to this, which is unlike me, but yeah this is all out of the blue for her. If she really was so concerned about leading me on, or sending me mixed messages why is she now texting me random pictures of clothes she bought on a Monday afternoon. She's pretty emotionally mature for her age, so I'm sure on some level she knows what she is doing to me here right now.

Edited May 1, 2017 by Tolliver

[Tolliver]

You mention she's much younger than you. At her age of 21, I'm assuming you're early to mid-thirties?

 

After dating a 22 y/o when I was 33/34, I would suggest walking away.

 

I know it hurts, but you have to get your head back on straight and not get emotionally attached to any women younger than 25... actually probably 28.

 

Save yourself the heartache and headache. Trust me.

 

 

Haha, how I wish I listened to the people giving me this advice when we started dating. And there were more than a few people in my life warning me. Nothing to do with her personally, just her age.

[Zahara]

There we go again with the pejoratives , "crumbs." I honestly do appreciate the fact that you are taking time out of your day to read and reply to this. But, I don't think I am magnifying anything that anybody else in a similar situation wouldn't.

 

Yes, anybody in a similar situation would be magnifying because it comes from being in an emotional fog. When you desire someone you cannot have, you often treat these little bits and pieces (crumbs) of contact as hope. You assign more meaning to it than it actually is.

 

The trajectory here is pretty simple, we hardly spoke for the first 7 weeks of our breakup but all of a sudden here she is blowing up my phone. It's seriously confusing, even taking her retraction of her drunken invite to her place into consideration.

 

It's not confusing. It's normal behavior for most that have left a relationship to seek what was familiar and comfortable to them at one point in their lives. Usually it comes from a place that is needing attention, an ego boost, a check to see if the other is still on the leash, etc. Unless she is opening communication about wanting to try again or even at least hinting at it, then go for it. But you've received nothing in that fashion.

 

Now my head is further spinning because just now 3 minutes ago she texted me a pic of a coat she ordered off Amazon. I don't think I'm even going to reply to this, which is unlike me, but I yeah this is all out of the blue for her. If she really was so concerned about leading me on, or sending me mixed messages why is she now texting me random pictures of clothes she bought on a Monday afternoon. She's pretty emotionally mature for her age, so I'm sure on some level she knows what she is doing to me here right now.

 

She's 21. She's emotionally immature and likely doesn't even know what she's doing wrong or even maneuver her own emotions. You on the other hand should see this for the dysfunction that it is and walk away.

[Tolliver]

Yes, I definitely won't be responding to today's text until much later tonight. Don't think I can ignore altogether, but I'll send back something short and to the point(and delayed)enough for her to read between the lines. This has all of a sudden started to really bother me to the point that if it keeps up this way I'm going to have to tell HER to give me some space. Really don't want to do that as it would mess with the nonchalant approach I have recently adopted.

 

As to the rest of it, I concede I am in an emotional fog, but I maintain that just because she is not choosing to be with me right now at this exact moment, it doesn't mean she isn't testing the waters with all of this recent behaviour. I don't think it's always as cut and dry as you're laying it out to be. I mean no disrespect with this, but perhaps I need to go somewhere else other than a forum of jilted lovers to get a more balanced perspective.

[Blanco]

We're similar ages and I'm around a lot of girls who are around your ex's age. They are... something to look at, but usually still seem so much like young teens from a maturity level. And that's fine. At that age, it's not right to expect them to be much different. But I think that's why age-gap relationships when one person is in their early twenties are a lot more likely to fail than when it's a similar age gap between two people who are at least into their thirties.

[ML Hammer95]

Yes, I definitely won't be responding to today's text until much later tonight. Don't think I can ignore altogether, but I'll send back something short and to the point(and delayed)enough for her to read between the lines. This has all of a sudden started to really bother me to the point that if it keeps up this way I'm going to have to tell HER to give me some space. Really don't want to do that as it would mess with the nonchalant approach I have recently adopted.

 

As to the rest of it, I concede I am in an emotional fog, but I maintain that just because she is not choosing to be with me right now at this exact moment, it doesn't mean she isn't testing the waters with all of this recent behaviour. I don't think it's always as cut and dry as you're laying it out to be. I mean no disrespect with this, but perhaps I need to go somewhere else other than a forum of jilted lovers to get a more balanced perspective.

 

I do get where you're coming from... the typical poster on the forum has probably been through a tough break-up which has made them more cynical about these things. There can be a definite undertone of bitterness to some.

 

However, I don't think that makes them wrong. Deep down, you probably know they are right and in these situations we often ignore our gut because we love the person and want to think the best of them.

 

Just play it cool mate.

[Tolliver]

I don't even want to single out Zahara. Those were some good, well intentioned posts.

 

"Playing it cool" is definitely what I have to do here, thanks. I'm pretty sure at least that's what has caused her to increase contact this past week, and what will ultimately either push her away from me or pull her closer.

[jamili]

If you dont ignore completely and stay NC, you will likely destroy chances of re conciliation. Playing it "cool" and responding to her is just going to help her move on from you. We have seen it time and time again on this forum. I have seen playing it cool and responding casually work a total of zero times on here (and in my experience). But, i jave read instances of exes comin back when you keep hard NC and dont respond to their texts. Fair warning. Good luck, i hope you are prepared for potential pain.

[ML Hammer95]

If you dont ignore completely and stay NC, you will likely destroy chances of re conciliation. Playing it "cool" and responding to her is just going to help her move on from you. We have seen it time and time again on this forum. I have seen playing it cool and responding casually work a total of zero times on here (and in my experience). But, i jave read instances of exes comin back when you keep hard NC and dont respond to their texts. Fair warning. Good luck, i hope you are prepared for potential pain.

 

I can see your point, the whole not initiating but replying thing is something I am guilty of.

 

I guess what most people here struggle with is the thought of receiving a text and not replying to it. Any tips (mentally) on how to deal?

[Zahara]

I don't even want to single out Zahara. Those were some good, well intentioned posts.

 

"Playing it cool" is definitely what I have to do here, thanks. I'm pretty sure at least that's what has caused her to increase contact this past week, and what will ultimately either push her away from me or pull her closer.

 

When you play it cool, you often times place yourself as a transitional crutch to that person who has just exited the relationship.

 

When you stay NC, she is then forced to make a decision as to whether she values you enough to keep you or whether moving on is the best course for her. Either way, you get an answer. Playing it cool puts you in a position of anxiety as well as uncertainty, no matter how hard you pretend.

 

Staying in her sights only enables her to carry on waffling between you and what's potentially out there because there is really no incentive to choose.

[Blanco]

Call me cynical, but I just don't think the OP should be looking to disengage with the hopes of the ex returning. She's barely a legal adult. A lot is going to change for her in the coming years. She will (likely) not be the same person in five years that she is right now.

 

As such, I think it's foolish for someone already in their thirties to be trying to wait out someone who's not yet gotten very far into what will be some big transitional times in her life.

[ML Hammer95]

When you play it cool, you often times place yourself as a transitional crutch to that person who has just exited the relationship.

 

When you stay NC, she is then forced to make a decision as to whether she values you enough to keep you or whether moving on is the best course for her. Either way, you get an answer. Playing it cool puts you in a position of anxiety as well as uncertainty, no matter how hard you pretend.

 

Staying in her sights only enables her to carry on waffling between you and what's potentially out there because there is really no incentive to choose.

 

I suppose people would fear that if you ignoring contact from her, she'll never reach out again. Which, deep down, a lot of people want - including me.

[Tolliver]

Call me cynical, but I just don't think the OP should be looking to disengage with the hopes of the ex returning. She's barely a legal adult. A lot is going to change for her in the coming years. She will (likely) not be the same person in five years that she is right now.

 

As such, I think it's foolish for someone already in their thirties to be trying to wait out someone who's not yet gotten very far into what will be some big transitional times in her life.

 

Gahh, this one hit me pretty good!

 

What can I say though, other than I love her a whole lot, and circumstances have changed enough in my personal life(therapy for a different issue, great new job) that I'm positive I could be a lot more patient as she goes through all of her twists and turns. Pretty much every fight we've ever had, at least from my end, has been fueled by this intense fear of losing her when she changes from caterpillar into a butterfly. Now that she's out of my life, I guess I've gained some perspective that I think would really help us if we were to give it another go.

[ExpatInItaly]

Call me cynical, but I just don't think the OP should be looking to disengage with the hopes of the ex returning. She's barely a legal adult. A lot is going to change for her in the coming years. She will (likely) not be the same person in five years that she is right now.

 

As such, I think it's foolish for someone already in their thirties to be trying to wait out someone who's not yet gotten very far into what will be some big transitional times in her life.

 

I agree with you, Blanco.

 

I know the girl I was at 21 was not the same woman I developed into in my thirties. (36 now) I was nowhere near ready to settle down, even though I thought I had it all figured out!

 

OP, I am going to lend my support to Blanco's opinion that a person already in their 30s should not be waiting around for someone in their early 20s. Your lives are at different points and much as you say she's emotionally mature, she's still a 21-year-old who drunk dials you, then freaks out, then sends you a photo of her new coat. So much for using her good judgment and not sending mixed signals.

[SoThatHappened]

but perhaps I need to go somewhere else other than a forum of jilted lovers to get a more balanced perspective.

Not jilted, but experienced.

 

Playing it cool is helping HER relieve her guilt and move on from you. If you think otherwise, you're kidding yourself.

 

I played it cool after an ex broke my heart after 3 months... and I got her back!!! Yeah!

 

Guess what? She just shattered what was left of my heart 7 months later.

 

Best advice I could possibly give you, after my experience with a younger infatuation and after almost 3 years on this forum:

 

- Walk away under complete NC.

 

This has all the makings of wasting more of your life and ripping your heart out further.

[Tolliver]

Yeah, up until this past week it's been a painful but pretty much straightforward, typical breakup. The contact from her starting with her breaking no contact this time last week has been overwhelming in how all over the place it has been, though. And then this latest message this afternoon...I haven't even processed what I should be doing about this whole thing. Maybe y'all are right and I should just ignore altogether.

[ML Hammer95]

Yeah, up until this past week it's been a painful but pretty much straightforward, typical breakup. The contact from her starting with her breaking no contact this time last week has been overwhelming in how all over the place it has been, though. And then this latest message this afternoon...I haven't even processed what I should be doing about this whole thing. Maybe y'all are right and I should just ignore altogether.

 

With this particular message, I wouldn't reply mate. But I know that is easier said than done.

 

I didn't realise the age gap either. I'm a 21 year old lad and even for me it's hard to work out women my age!

[SoThatHappened]

I'm a 21 year old lad and even for me it's hard to work out women my age!

 

Oh, it won't get easier as you and they get older... trust me.