healing light Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 Runnnnnnn. This doesn't get better. What you've described here smacks of the kind of chronic emotional abuse that just destroys your concept of self over time. The sex won't get better, the nagging won't get better. Release yourself into the wild so that you can be free for a woman who actually will appreciate you. You're still young--and in a great grad school to boot. Don't stick with her just because she looks good on paper, that's ridiculous. I know guy friends who have done that and they are so unfulfilled. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 IMO, you should have called things off before the two of you even moved. You are clearly very unhappy with your relationship. She is clearly very unhappy with your relationship. You have no children together nor have you made any significant financial commitments to each other. Your sex life is terrible - BEFORE aforementioned children and in your 20s. What is holding you in that, besides fear? Now, that ship has obviously sailed, but you should still call things off. You should probably reimburse her moving costs and let her off the lease with no penalty, when you do it. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 I guess that this is all fundamentally about the fact that as you have grown ever older, her clock is ticking and you are still sitting on the fence as regards marriage. She hates the fact you have never stepped up to the plate and I guess resentment has built up over the years. She is going nowhere as she has put all her eggs into your basket and is unwilling to walk away, but at the same time she is very angry and thus at the slightest opportunity will berate you and register her annoyance. She almost gave you an ultimatum 6 months ago but no matter how disappointed in you she was when you did not want to marry her, she probably feels she loves you too much and has invested too much of her life in you to just walk away. She will also be angry at herself for not having the courage to walk away from a man who obviously doesn't love her enough after 5 long years to marry her. She has come with you to your new area, but at the same time doesn't ever want you to forget the wrong you have done to her and the sacrifice she has made for you. Healthy relationships are relationships that tend to progress in a suitable time frame. This one stalled big time in her eyes and whilst she is hanging on in there in the hope you will marry her sometime, she is not averse to punishing you for your failings in the meantime. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 I have to say, I am not at all certain if these behaviors on her part are not due to your inability (unwillingness) to commit. You say that there isn't a foundation, but did those doubts become reality after a period of time? After she was expecting more and you didn't deliver? In some ways, I can understand her change in attitude, affection, sex, etc. She wanted more and you gave her more uncertainty. Your post seems to imply that the two of you were much more passionate about the relationship. I just don't get people, especially the ladies, who wait 3+ years from a guy to make some kind of meaningful commitment. I don't blame her for feeling that way. BUT, if she has always been this way, I just don't see how you thought it was okay to string her along with so much doubt. I would venture to say, that you have wasted 5 years of her time knowing that you always had doubts. I agree with this... Some of your issues may stem from the fact that you have been together for so long but haven't gotten married. It could have snowballed on you; a few hesitations early bothered her and now she has grown resentful. I don't know if you have done so, but I would have a long conversation with her about all of this. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 I guess that this is all fundamentally about the fact that as you have grown ever older, her clock is ticking and you are still sitting on the fence as regards marriage. She hates the fact you have never stepped up to the plate and I guess resentment has built up over the years. She is going nowhere as she has put all her eggs into your basket and is unwilling to walk away, but at the same time she is very angry and thus at the slightest opportunity will berate you and register her annoyance. She almost gave you an ultimatum 6 months ago but no matter how disappointed in you she was when you did not want to marry her, she probably feels she loves you too much and has invested too much of her life in you to just walk away. She will also be angry at herself for not having the courage to walk away from a man who obviously doesn't love her enough after 5 long years to marry her. She has come with you to your new area, but at the same time doesn't ever want you to forget the wrong you have done to her and the sacrifice she has made for you. Healthy relationships are relationships that tend to progress in a suitable time frame. This one stalled big time in her eyes and whilst she is hanging on in there in the hope you will marry her sometime, she is not averse to punishing you for your failings in the meantime. But she knew he wasn't in the frame of mind to marry her before she decided to uproot her life and move. She wasn't in the dark over that. The fact that she remained and tried the tack of berating him, emotionally beating him down demonstrates that she knew this was going nowhere... so knowing all of this well before calling the moving van, why did she agree to uproot her life to move with someone she knew wasn't going to give her what she wanted? She's not some naive little flower who got taken advantage of. She knew full well what was going on. If any wrong was done, it was done by her by not facing the truth of "what is"--she chose to invest in "what she wished would be" and thinking that moving with him may engineer her proposal and that backfired on her. That's why staying grounded in reality and not in your fantasies is always the best tack to take. He told her up front "what is": she chose not to believe it to her own detriment. This was an unforced error on her part. Link to post Share on other sites
Silverstring Posted April 25, 2017 Share Posted April 25, 2017 OP your concerns are all valid, but she doesn't seem to care. You can't force her to care. And why would you want to marry someone who doesn't care about you and the concerns you have for your relationship? Break up as soon as you can. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts