Need Some Support Cohabited Too Soon

[smackie9]

Manic is the old definition for bi-polar. You are like my mother...you don't feel you have purpose in life or self worth unless you are rescuing someone. A life of solitude and Independence leaves you lonely and feeling worthless. The downward spiral of depression hits you, so you seek out rescuing someone once again...a vicious cycle. That rescue becomes your main focus like an addiction which in turn makes you neglect people/things around you. To top it off your illness distorts your perception...you see things negatively, the world is always against you, you are angry/frustrated. People around you walk on eggshells because they know if they do or say something it's makes you go off like a bomb. You are hurting, but you don't realize you are hurting those around you.

 

When you feel a loss of control or things are going bad, that's your cue that your illness is taking over and you need to seek medical help. Even if you already have and things are still bad, you need to go back and get more help. This is an illness that needs a lifetime of constant maintenance.

[PrincessWarrior1]

I'm sorry you're having doubts about your relationship i just want to ask are you getting professional help for your manic depression or taking meds?

 

Yes most definitely, thank you!

[PrincessWarrior1]

Yes, we all have faults. But some people have FAULTS and are to be avoided at all costs. For example, the abusers you've dated in the past have FAULTS. Just how faulty is this new guy?

 

The difference is my boyfriend is a christian so he goes to Jesus with our problems as do I. Big huge difference there. Most people go to drinking, drugs, gambling, cheating, etc. or just give up and leave.

How was he being selfish and what did he say to you when he was leaving?

 

He sometimes tries to blame my illness behaviors for his tourettes symptoms and taking more zanax. He up and left and when I tried to grab him got pulled away aggressively and said "This is the second time I had to leave here today and wanted to drive my truck into a tree."

He's "trying hard"? I'm not sure what you're getting at, but I'm assuming the full sentence is "trying hard, but not succeeding". Would this be right?

 

No because I let him know everything that I was feeling and he ended up coming home with Kentucky Fried Chicken and I accompanied him to his therapy session.

How have your different financial backgrounds created problems for you?

 

When he talks about large amounts of money it makes me uncomfortable.

 

Why do you want "hopeless romantics?" to advise you? Do you categorise yourself this way? Would you prefer to be a bit more logical when figuring out relationship issues?

 

I most definitely categorize myself as a hopeless romantic.

 

Lastly, are you seeing a psychiatrist and doing therapy? What has your therapist uncovered about your history of making bad choices in men?

 

Yes I do and we talk about anything from red flags to self-care to me giving everything too soon to personal space.

[PrincessWarrior1]

You gotta get your head out of the romantic cloud. I read undertones of you preferring to be in a bad relationship then be alone because you can't handle the solitude.

 

That has some truth to it but I was alone for 10 years basically. Friends with benefits don't count as a relationship. Derek for 5 years (FWB) and Jimmy was in jail (all he did was use me and abuse me). Then I went no contact and did extensive self help reading. Why would anyone want to get their head out of the romantic cloud?

 

Second he was selfish & mad so he left but then you went chasing after him. Yikes. No wonder he's "comfortable" in the relationship. Even when he's in the wrong you immediately jump to forgive him & fix things. What possessed you to chase him after he was selfish & mean to you? Explain to me how after that behavior you can characterize him as "trying hard" in the relationship? You are kidding yourself. You are letting him get away will all sorts of garbage because you have known him your whole life.

 

That's not completely true because I have balance and use wisdom and understanding. Sustaining a healthy relationship takes work and this is an example of that work. He did not get away with that garbage and there have been times that he has cried when realizing his faults through me explaining it. And I was prepared to hand out a "penalty" such as a 3 day break, but that works both ways. Also, this is the first time in my life that I feel loved, truly loved with no worries. I'm not about to let him get away. We're both each other's dream guy/girl.

 

[PrincessWarrior1]

Don’t settle, never settle and I know easier said than done. Get professional help and frankly don’t get into another relationship until you do.

 

This is why at least with OLD If I see a profile headline “hopeless romantic” or that phrase in the profile anywhere I avoid because this person is “in love with love” and lacks the capacity for “real” reciprocal (I mean balanced love)

 

I can really respect and appreciate your perspective, thanks for your input. Human love can be a bit selfish or rather much of the time very. However there are 3 types of love:

 

The three forms of love: Eros, Philos, Agape. “Agape is total love, the love that devours those that experience it. Whoever knows and experiences Agape sees that nothing else in this world is of any importance, only loving.

 

For the first time in my entire life it is reciprocal and for reasons you will come to have a much deeper understanding of. I challenge you to research the three types of love.

 

With that being said I'd like to thank you especially for your signature slogan because one of my joys is helping people with matters of the heart and or life in general. One could consider that a sort of ministry. And you're signature slogan makes perfect sense. With your permission I'd like to have copy right permission, lol.

[PrincessWarrior1]

Manic is the old definition for bi-polar. You are like my mother...you don't feel you have purpose in life or self worth unless you are rescuing someone. A life of solitude and Independence leaves you lonely and feeling worthless. The downward spiral of depression hits you, so you seek out rescuing someone once again...a vicious cycle. That rescue becomes your main focus like an addiction which in turn makes you neglect people/things around you. To top it off your illness distorts your perception...you see things negatively, the world is always against you, you are angry/frustrated. People around you walk on eggshells because they know if they do or say something it's makes you go off like a bomb. You are hurting, but you don't realize you are hurting those around you.

 

When you feel a loss of control or things are going bad, that's your cue that your illness is taking over and you need to seek medical help. Even if you already have and things are still bad, you need to go back and get more help. This is an illness that needs a lifetime of constant maintenance.

 

Thank you sweetie, now excuse me while I pick my jaw up off the floor, lol :p:love:

[basil67]

I'm really confused. In your opening post you are talking about having issues in your relationship. But in the following posts, you don't tell us about the issues and only discuss how great everything is.

 

What was your goal in writing the post?

[PrincessWarrior1]

I know I should not have let him move in so fast. But I did feel bad about his living conditions. One the trailer he was staying in was so gross and his 25 year old son is a maniac (his words).

 

We know each other from childhood, grew up in same small town. He found me we talked for two weeks. I was going to make him wait 30 days, but we did the wild thing after 2 weeks. He continued to woo me. We supported each other. We both have issues that each other has to accept and we're both in our 40s.

 

It was everything we both wanted. Anyway, I ended up needing to be hospitalized. My tegretol was very low and I was up all kinds of hours of the night because of his schedule and getting more and more off. He came up to see me Saturday with dinner and I asked for tweezers. Told me how proud he was of me for doing this. On Sunday he was rushing me off the phone so he could plan his trip to get his zanax.

 

Through no fault of our own, he called (It was Easter Sunday) and another patient told him I wasn't there and I didn't get the message until 2 hours later, where I tried to call him back and no answer.

 

Then I blew a gasket and left two voicemails kicking him out of my apartment because I need space after the hospitalization, seriously. He had a habit of taking off for a day or two with my keys which enraged me when he needed to clear his head.

 

This is just so sad because we love each other so much and were courting with the intentions to marry. We've done so much for each other and I'd hate this to be a waste. I texted him and said that I'm praying for clarity within two weeks because I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life or have a F()* friend either.

 

I guess this is a vent or a desperate attempt to get some advice as I cannot and will not put this on FB. I'm trying to hold it together and function and it's very difficult. Thank u in advance for your support LS.

Edited April 23, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
3 threads merged for context ~6

[BlackCherry]

It's really not clear to me what led you to blow a gasket and kick him out of the apartment? From what you've written I can't see the reason.

 

Either way, if this truly was a huge rush, no harm in him getting his own place to consider courting at a steadier pace before deciding to cohabitate again. But if you kicking him out means he will struggle to find somewhere else or he can't go back to his old accommodation, don't expect him to still want to be with you. I assume you made the choice to have him move in equally, however fast, and people aren't just things you can discard if it doesn't feel right at the moment.

 

Sure you can ask if he's willing to leave but remain in the relationship but I wouldn't count on the answer being 'yes'.

[BlackCherry]

I was just about to come back and suggest you do some work around boundaries, when you date somebody new it doesn't matter how rubbish their living situation is, you don't swoop in to take care of them and move them in with you. But then I read your January thread where you received a tonne of good advice on that. After one week you were proclaiming how perfect you are together and how you need each other and referring to him as our husband... I'm not surprised it turned out to be too soon.

 

Maybe you can salvage this relationship somehow but please, get some help before embarking upon another, as the way you've conducted this one is neither healthy nor normal.

[Gemma1]

In really confused by this whole post. Something about tweezers and...? Maybe you could start over and write up your whole first post differently? I don't see how anyone could make sense of it.

[sandrawg]

Um..I don't mean to sound judgmental but this does not sound well-considered at all. This sounds like a giant mess.

[Tressugar]

Wait a minute...dealing with mental health clients and the like this reeks of bipolar mania.

 

You are all over the place. Please take care of yourself.

 

Are you on your meds? Are you currently under any medical supervision?

Edited April 23, 2017 by Tressugar

[PrincessWarrior1]

Wait a minute...dealing with mental health clients and the like this reeks of bipolar mania.

 

You are all over the place. Please take care of yourself.

 

Are you on your meds? Are you currently under any medical supervision?

 

Yes I am that's what the hospitalization was for. They doubled my tegretol and upped my anxiety meds, plus I got to feel safe, cared for, and not alone to be couragous enough to do the next right thing. Thank u for your compassion. At least one person understood. I've been crying and just dealing with the pain and depression, taking it one day at a time and trying to focus on just getting well and holding on to the things I built all bymyself and my job is on the top of the list because I need to work even more than I need the money but the money obviously helps and I have a great job.

[Tressugar]

Hang in there Gurlie! It's tough, but you'll make it.

[preraph]

You sound a little manic. You're ONLY been dating a week. I'm happy you're happy, but it is WAY to soon to be announcing anything for at least a couple of months and then ONLY if he's asked you to be exclusive.

 

Be sure you're on your meds and stop focusing on him except when you're with him, and I advise finding things you enjoy doing and going and doing them to stay busy and stay interesting. No one finds a person who just sits around waiting for the next contact to be interesting. You like to think a person has a life of their own and interests and activities they pursue and that you're not all they have.

[BlackCherry]

You sound a little manic. You're ONLY been dating a week. I'm happy you're happy, but it is WAY to soon to be announcing anything for at least a couple of months and then ONLY if he's asked you to be exclusive.

 

Be sure you're on your meds and stop focusing on him except when you're with him, and I advise finding things you enjoy doing and going and doing them to stay busy and stay interesting. No one finds a person who just sits around waiting for the next contact to be interesting. You like to think a person has a life of their own and interests and activities they pursue and that you're not all they have.

 

 

Threads have been merged, check the time stamp. Since the original post where the OP had been dating this guy one week several months have passed and they now cohabit.

[PrincessWarrior1]

You sound a little manic. You're ONLY been dating a week. I'm happy you're happy, but it is WAY to soon to be announcing anything for at least a couple of months and then ONLY if he's asked you to be exclusive.

 

Be sure you're on your meds and stop focusing on him except when you're with him, and I advise finding things you enjoy doing and going and doing them to stay busy and stay interesting. No one finds a person who just sits around waiting for the next contact to be interesting. You like to think a person has a life of their own and interests and activities they pursue and that you're not all they have.

 

All great advice, thank you! We've been dating for 3 months. I should have not let him move in. We knew each other as kids so there was instant trust and a lot of feelings of love and adoration. We've both been alone and enjoy our isolation so that's another thing. It was so nice when he was buying me flowers all the time and just so into me. Then after moving in it just went bad really fast.

[PrincessWarrior1]

It's really not clear to me what led you to blow a gasket and kick him out of the apartment? From what you've written I can't see the reason.

 

Either way, if this truly was a huge rush, no harm in him getting his own place to consider courting at a steadier pace before deciding to cohabitate again. But if you kicking him out means he will struggle to find somewhere else or he can't go back to his old accommodation, don't expect him to still want to be with you. I assume you made the choice to have him move in equally, however fast, and people aren't just things you can discard if it doesn't feel right at the moment.

 

Sure you can ask if he's willing to leave but remain in the relationship but I wouldn't count on the answer being 'yes'.

 

He started saying things and then denying he said them. It was all sorts of things that I cannot really rehash ATM. The romance almost diminished to nothing except for me towing the line. I blew a gasket when he didn't come to visit me in the hospital like he promised then didn't answer my calls. He came to see me Saturday though.. brought me dinner and was proud of me for seeking help. I miss him this is difficult, but I am feeling better on the bright side. I hate going to work in emotional pain and depression. I work in retail and my job requires me to be perky, energetic, smiling, and helpful basically awesome above and beyond customer service along with everything else that I'm required to do.

[PrincessWarrior1]

Hang in there Gurlie! It's tough, but you'll make it.

 

Thank you for your supportive and kind words

[PrincessWarrior1]

In really confused by this whole post. Something about tweezers and...? Maybe you could start over and write up your whole first post differently? I don't see how anyone could make sense of it.

 

I'll consider that at a later time and hopefully I will have some new information to update with. The good news is that I'm feeling better and realizing my worth. That's very important. I think insecure people chip away at it without even realizing it. When he thought he had me under his thumb and controlling me with his money, basically, he started to get abusive. Then proceeding to tell me that "He's as good as it gets."