Getting Past My Wife's Tattoo

[NTV]

So 7 years after the affair you're still in therapy?

 

Why is she boss at home?

[Rockdad]

I understand the OP feelings on tats. My teenagers desperately wanted to get some tat work done. I am a firm father and said, You come home with one and I'll give you 30 min to get rid of it!! They knew what that meant. When they got in their 20's two of my sons came to visit and had tattoos.

 

I was disappointed, sad and not happy about it. I said nothing. I've never made much mention of their art work. I love my boys with all my being and excepted that they made this decision and I chose to let it be. I'm not going to spend our time together having a riff over something that I just don't prefer.

[sandylee1]

I would never do any thing (permanent) to myself that my husband found unattractive.

 

I might put a temporary colour in my hair that he's not mad on, but nothing like a tattoo. I'm not a fan of them either.

[georgia girl]

IMO, the tattoo is a symbol of the bigger problem and that is the lack of courtesy and respect between the two of you. I am also not a fan of tattoos -'I see them as breeding grounds for hepatitis C (perhaps unfairly) - but more importantly, I don't think it's fair for one partner to ever do something unilaterally and permanently that would harm how the attractiveness that the other partner has for you. Attraction is sp very vital to an intimate relationship such as a marriage.

 

I do agree that there has to be some room for compromise if one partner truly desires something and that we don't give up control over our bodies in marriage, but I do think we are responsible for committing to the marriage and doing our part to keep this intimate,'vital relationship alive. When partners have t come to consensus on something such as a tattoo and the other person does it anyway, to me it shows disregard for the partner and the relationship. For a relationship already in trouble, it could very well be the proverbial straw on the camel's back.

 

So sorry that your relationship wound up here. Life is simply too short not to be good to each other and happy.

[sandylee1]

This does not sound like remorse to me. Thinking you should be over it after a month.

 

She had an affair in 2010 and was remorseful, but told me to get over it or it wasn't worth staying married

 

It sounds like your wife has little respect for you and is very controlling.

 

She doesn't sound like much of a loving wife.

 

Don't let fear paralyse you from getting out of a relationship that has no likelihood of improving.

 

I'm surprised she has the cheek to talk about your weight, and she's 100 pounds overweight.

[TennisGal]

Thanks for your encouragement. I want to slim down for myself and health. I am getting more and more self conscious of how I look and feel ugly. Not to mention the energy levels and shortness of breath. I don't understand how big people do it. Thankfully my therapist is huge at promoting exercise. He will help push and hold me accountable. Thanks again.

 

 

If I may make a suggestion, as someone who is in the process of losing a large amount of weight, exercise is great, but not enough. When I cut out bread, rice, pasta, potatoes, and sugar, the result was amazing.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I don't think the tattoo is the problem in your marriage. It sounds like you have a lot of problems with your wife's behaivior, but seem to have a hard time communicating that and/or setting boundaries. The fact that you never really healed from her affair 7 years ago tells me that much. I also find it strange that you would list the affair amongst a laundry list of relatively minor complaints. Do you have a hard time identifying what are important issues?

 

I am not saying it was right for her to expect you to be "over" it in one month, but at the end of the day, you need to find a way to get closure and heal from it, whether that means working through the issues with her, or leaving because it is not something you are able to get through. No shame in either option but it sounds like you have not picked either choice. You are still married but still have not moved past the affair, and furthermore, are blaming her for not being able to move on. You need to own your feelings and boundaries so that moving on is something you can do with or without her.

 

It seems like her affair (and even more so, her attitude about it after the fact) and some of the controlling behaivior make you feel like she does not love you. You should decide what you need from her in order to get your needs met, communicate those requirements, and stick to them. If she is not able to modify her behaivior to make you feel loved, move on.

 

I can see how the tattoo is a symptom of all the other problems but it would help to stick to the bigger issues around her behaivior toward you in the relationship. That's more constructive than continuing to express resentment for something she can't undo anyway. Or keep the affair as an open item on your repository of resentment for seven years.

 

Either fix your problems or move on.

Edited April 26, 2017 by lucy_in_disguise