How can she be so beautiful yet so dangerous?

[elaine567]

She's fantastic , 95% of the time.

 

I am not suggesting she is an actual abuser but most abusers are fine 95% or even 99% of the time. But they still mess with the head of the "victim" as the "victim" is always on edge waiting for the "hit" and by "hit" I do not necessarily mean violence.

It could be anything from a look, to a word, to a sentence, to a full scale blow out, but whatever it is, it ruins things for that day and usually for many days afterwards for the victim.

It then becomes all about walking on eggshells, damage limitation, appeasement, covering up embarrassment, apologies etc. and it usually ultimately leads to social isolation, as who wants to be seen out in public or with friends and relatives, with a person who is a loose cannon and who can turn even the most benign event into a nightmare for all concerned.

Edited April 20, 2017 by elaine567
typos

[Chilli]

Haha yep, hear every word your saying.

 

Here's a funny.

Once she cracked the sh@ts and threw out some crazy and l said to her later ,babe your a crazy b@tch sometimes.

Her come back

"Ahhhh , but deliciously"

 

Hard not to love that

[PLT]

Thanks again plt but oh brother, she does sound bad , glad you got out man or you'd end up crazy.

 

Admittedly , right when l was staring to think this or that , l read this and recognize a lottttt of stuff in here.

Thing is , as l was just sayin to spring , l guess maybe it's the degree of this stuff too is a big thing.

 

How often was she normal Pl , how often did her crap start flying ?

 

The thing with mine is it's only pretty rare, well compared to how most of them sound.

She's fantastic , 95% of the time.

 

Like you say, their "quirkiness" draws us to them.

Mine was fine 95% of the time for the first 2 and a half years or so. The final year / 18 months it was at least weekly, and eventually 2 or 3 times a week. It got to where just as one drama boiled down, another would start bubbling up. It was relentless and it drained all of my energy and emotions. The walking on eggshells effect cannot be overstated. Being on tenterhooks all the time because you are waiting for the next bout of crazy is not a fun time. Ironically, when you stop trying to defend yourself because you realise it just makes things worse, they lose even more respect for you. It's definitely the most counter intuitive relationship I've ever been in.

 

And yet I miss her, enormously.

Edited April 20, 2017 by PLT

[Chilli]

Oh sh@t, this is not good. l thought being great 95% of the time might've been rare and so make my sitch savable, some hope.

l thought the others would've been much much worse and far more.

 

Thanks Elaine , and l'm afraid you guys are far better at getting this stuff down on paper like this than l am, my mind spins just trying to explain it tbh but l can't believe what l read here and how accurate to the mark it all is.

Not good , not good at all.

Must admit , you nailed my feelings about anything sociable,we haven't been in many situations yet but l must admit , she worries me a lot. l feel as though l have no idea what she might do or say or come out with anywhere any time.

Her work is very public and service but , l know these types can keep that persona up just fine but still become fruit loops in their own personal situations and that really worries me with her.

Especially around family and far more importantly my daughter.

gf now can get mean, really mean, and that makes it a pretty damn scary worry.

The way she talks about family days with her ex , it's like she was dream GF, so l've hoped she'd be fine.

But she has talked about other situations with her ex ,he was shy and where from what l can tell to me it sounds like she embarrassed the hell out of him .

 

Thanks Plt , and sh@t , same again, not good.

l was thinking your's might've been at it 50% of the time or worse.

The way she built up and snuck it up on you though is even scarier , hell we could be married by then.

 

l hear you so clear on the defending too, so clear it's scary.

She said to me at about once , l avoid confrontation - almost as if she thought l was chicken sh@t with her.

But a few mths before that , l was evil bc l gave back whatever l got .

That wasn't working so l tried a different approach and she says l was avoiding.

A few mths later she came out with l'm always blaming about who started it.

Well that was a new approach again l was trying bc we'd be all fine , l 'd say one word she'd choose to take it the wrong way and next minute she'd be going for the throat , no questions asked.

Then she'd turn around an hour later and say l'm arguing.

Well this had been going on for a few mths and when l realized it was actually her doing this each time then , l thought to hell with this and so l started pointing out later ahhh, babe you started it - we were all good but you went off over such and such.

That was my last approach,think l'm on about number 4 approach tactics so far.

 

But we got into a tangle last wk and she came out with a whole new round of garbage,a mix from 12mths ago, 6mths ago , last wk, the whole lot- all jumbled in.

My jaw was like on the floor thinking holy hell, l can't even dream up an approach to try for this one, l'm screwed.l give up.

[preraph]

She sounds like my old roommate, who is both bipolar and narcissistic, diagnosed. No one more fun on the face of the earth when she's on, but one little thing can set her off into a crying hysterical blaming abusive fit. And she can also be suicidal.

 

She found a husband who loves her warts and all and is a good steady influence on her, but he's been terminal for some years now, just hanging on, and I've not been in her shoes, but I am pretty sure I myself could not live with myself if I cheated on a terminally ill man, which she has been doing. Because of her narcissism and then her bipolar mania together, she justifies this selfish crap. But again, maybe it's that much pain when she's overwhelmed that she feels she has to do something to bring her back up. I'm trying not to judge, but since she started talking about contacting my ex, I did judge and backed her up to where I haven't talked to her in a year, because her quest has spun out of control, and she ain't gonna do it on my turf.

 

So probably just take those crazy memories and enjoy the good ones and maybe even hookup once every 5 years while you're single, but who needs that on a daily basis. And my roomie got way worse as she got older, to the point I'd find it intolerable if we weren't in different cities.

[PLT]

I tried all the different "tactics" to deal with it too mate. That in itself is another giant red flag. Appeasing them makes them think you are weak, reasoning with them plain doesn't work, giving what you get just makes them turn it up a notch further, and also makes you feel bad. I did them all.

 

When you are scrabbling around trying to find a "sweet spot" for how to deal with someone, that is not a good relationship.

 

Mine often used to say "I need to work on my communication", "I know I'm harsh on you" and stuff, which made me stick it out as I thought well shes aware of this issue and is willing to work on it. Thing is, it never happened. At some point she did a bait and switch and suddenly it wasn't her issue anymore, it was all me. I "made" her treat me like ****. I "made" her be abusive, I "made" her ghost me for 3 months, and so on. I don't really know when that point was that she turned it all on me.

 

Here's how crazy it got. I use chewing gum when I'm driving so I don't smoke in the car. I never throw my gum on the ground. She trod in some chewing gum on the pavement outside her house and it stuck to her shoe. She was utterly convinced that it was my fault, and I got grief for it for days. Suddenly, I was a bad person because I use chewing gum! These are the kind of completely illogical connections she would make in order to blame just about anything on me.

[Spring23]

And my roomie got way worse as she got older, to the point I'd find it intolerable if we weren't in different cities.

 

That's funny because the older I get the more stable I become.

 

I've been pretty scary at times with things I said but besides crying a lot and writing sad poems I didn't do too much damage. I didn't break things or hit.

 

Each "crazy" girl is different I guess. I don't think anyone felt unsafe around me but my anger/rage is strong and my wit quick. I can be hateful at times but I've never been single in my life. Plus, I'm always working to be a better person.

 

I guess what I'm saying is you can have a passionate girl but you'll need to know if the passion is too strong to handle.

[Chilli]

thanks for that preraph. one roomy you mightn't forget eh.

wish we could do casual that way l could enjoy some of tha passion spring talks about because that's one thing l love about her.

 

and thanks spring again. it's really strange to me the way you can talk about it and yourself because gf would never do that or admit to it she'd walk on razor blades first.

she has touched on a few things but only shallow stuff but she basically thinks there's no problem especially with temper.

she knows she's impatient but l think she only thinks that's mildly moreso than other people.

 

and thanks again pl to mate and l'm sorry to drag this stuff up for you.

l can see we both felt very very strongly for our girls and that all this is hard .

but again l'm afraid you've nailed it, l think they must be sisters.

l wonder what your h uses to cope or deal with your thing, spring or maybe your milder especially as you actually acknowledge you have issues and got help.

 

But not good to hear pl no tactics work,,, oh no.

but l knew it deep down.

and you guys are right it's one thing to make changes or cater in some ways for the women you love but it's another thing entirely to have to resort to that bs isn't it.

weird. fine line with mine to between her turning my efforts around into ''weak'', too.

she can be an absolute little hard cold b@tch at times like that.

 

l've thought and wondered if an NC stint for a week or two would change anything as that's one thing l didn't try yet.

been 4 or5 days now though, wondering if there's any realizations going on.

there is for me.

almost caved a couple of times but everytime l come read this thread or what my doc friend explained or DT and other things, l think hold up there chill this is turning into serious **** andddddd, thankfully l've regained some sense haha.

trouble is if we go near each other we'll just take off into wild heavenly bliss until next time.

 

funny you were on the gum. l'm on the vape when we're together, better watch l don't drop it and she trips on it or something eh. world war 3.

Edited April 21, 2017 by Chilli

[Chilli]

So hard to know the degree of this as compared to others and whether reasons causing things in the individual can be worked on and gotten past in time. .

like mine , as long as she doesn't think your having a go at her she's fine.

That's basically at the core of most of her stuff and a lot of that l know stems from her ex going of his nut in their last few yrs and putting her down, like badly , hugely , she only just survived it in all honesty.

l met her at 2yrs after he'd finally skipped but it didn't end there for her , turns out he had agf and a baby on the way.

The guy before that screwed around on her too.

 

But say spring , it's working.

My mum had a a lot of this in her too and admittedly gave dad a helluva a run but they ended up back to doting on each other in their 80s and married 56yrs.

We have a huge family and a lot of her stuff was constant tiredness and stress.

 

gf doesn't start yelling and screaming or hurling abuse, she just starts saying things that drive you a bit crazy.

But admittedly too they are usually connected with something that happened previously that she hasn't let go of or ex stuff.

 

l have seen lots of improvement over time but then also some back flips. We just haven't had enough time yet to know . Same with being among other people bc there's so long between visits that we're more into just being together as much as we can with the time we have.

[BryanSmiley]

That's funny because the older I get the more stable I become.

 

I've been pretty scary at times with things I said but besides crying a lot and writing sad poems I didn't do too much damage. I didn't break things or hit.

 

Each "crazy" girl is different I guess. I don't think anyone felt unsafe around me but my anger/rage is strong and my wit quick. I can be hateful at times but I've never been single in my life. Plus, I'm always working to be a better person.

 

I guess what I'm saying is you can have a passionate girl but you'll need to know if the passion is too strong to handle.

 

Whilst i really respect your openness and progress here, something sticks out as a very slight contradictory, excuse type mentality that might be part of the source, and also what some of the others behaving like this might well tell themselves.

 

You use words like sad, crying, angry, hate, crazy, rage, and at the end almost lump it all under a parent word, of just being a passionate person.

 

Being a passionate person is not intertwined with those emotions and behaviours, often quite the opposite.

 

If a person is too much to handle due to rage, hate, it's not a case of oh they are just too passionate for me, this seems to be part of the problem. Also, never been single? Like never had any single time to process a relationship, straight into the next one? Is there not a chance your carrying emotions of old relationships straight into the next - a potential cause? I don't mean to berate just the forums all about open debate, insight on these things.

[Spring23]

 

If a person is too much to handle due to rage, hate, it's not a case of oh they are just too passionate for me, this seems to be part of the problem.

 

Look up the definition for passion.

[Chilli]

Spring , how often were you like however you were like ?

Were you mostly normal and fun and reasonable day to day ?

Did you have a sense of humor ?

[Chilli]

To be fair I think mine is a bit of an outlier. I had never experienced that level of cruelty, spite, manipulation, control, confusion, and mixed messages before.

 

The "testing" is where it began for me. I thought that if I could show her I was in it for the long haul it would stop. It didn't. It just got worse, until it got to the point where she was describing someone, but that someone wasn't me. As I think I've said before she became determined to see me as some kind of horrible person and fit the 'evidence' around that, rather than just taking my words and actions at face value. It's like she felt that everyone was out to get her, but thought she was too clever and therefore had to outmanoeuvre everyone, including me. She seemed to find it impossible to just take me at face value. It's all just one big game to her and men are just the pawns in that game.

 

It's worth pointing out that mine used to say the sweetest things too. She told me I was the best thing that ever happened to her, that I treated her better than anyone ever had before, that she had waited her whole life to find me, that we were like a piece of elastic that may stretch but will never break. All lies it seems. It can be difficult to remember but there was a time when I 100% trusted her with my life, my future, and my heart.

 

But, not all women are like my ex, so I'm not saying your gf will go the same way. I'm perhaps just trying to give you things to look out for just in case.

 

Unfortunately pl , l'm back again. The post l wrote before this one of yours l think , was all nicey wisey , but alas , that must have been on a good few days , can't even remember anymore. Think you said that yourself too, yep you did just re read.

Should've known. This happens every time l defend her and start thinking it's all hunky doory .

 

l think l must have been called every beautiful thing you could dream up in this last few wks, as well as every horrific sickening thing you could also dream up.

Sometimes all in the same hour, and back again.

So has our relationship.

 

So l've come back to the thread to read some of this stuff and here it all is , right here in theses posts.

Yaknow , if yours was good for a few yrs but mines like this already and has been since day 3 of meeting her , man l just hate to think what could come in a few years.

But, l think l have to except the fact that l can't win and never will, there is no way on Gods earth.

Not with logic, not with fairness, not with kindness, not with fighting fire with fire , there's no explaining it.

She makes my mind feel like a crashed computer.

 

Yknow , there's been times l'd trust her with my life too, that's how she made me feel on a good day.

Once she said she'd take a bullet for me. It touched me to the soul.

Trouble is , she might also be firing the bullet on another day.

Edited May 1, 2017 by Chilli