BHs do you cut ties with children after separating?

[GunslingerRoland]

I couldn't imagine doing that to my kids if I found out my wife was having an affair. But I'm a very involved father as it is. Some are just along for the ride.

 

One thing I must ask though, could it be that the father in this case, is questioning if his kids are even his, and that may be the reason for avoiding them?

[NTV]

Well, I'm not sure op is coming back after all this lol... but I'll chime in just in case.

 

When I found out my ww was cheating my gut reaction was to leave as well. I also attempted to drink myself into oblivion.

 

No the kids didn't do anything wrong and I would have loved to be of the frame of mind to be with them.

 

But I'm not the type of man to take my kids to a bar and make them watch their father as he tries to drown his pain in alcohol.

 

That lasted maybe two months.

 

It's a lot easier to say what should happen outside of a gunfight that it is when you're in one.

 

We can all sit around and debate his theoretical lack of responsibility or her culpability in creating the mess in the first place. But how does that help?

 

Op, if you do come back I suggest to you be honest with your kids about your part in this. "Honey, I know dad isn't here right now but mommy hurt daddy real bad and he'll be back when he's better. " is all I would suggest.

 

I also don't get why you are mad he's dating. So what? Any control you had over him was gone when you fired him from the role of husband. That's the way this works.

 

I wish you the best of luck trying to clean up this mess and hope he does snap out of the funk sooner than later. Then again I have heard sleeping with a bunch of hot honest young women with good hearts might help.

[William]

Folks, did some house cleaning before opening this one back up for the OP.

 

As a reminder, this thread is about the Op's troubles with coparenting while separated. It is not about the morality of infidelity, or who is to blame in the divorce.

 

After deleting 34 posts and generously doing so without sanction, I would suggest I not see any posts of that nature following this statement ~T

[amomwhoknows]

OP

 

You need to make it safe for him to see his kids -- I know you offered to make sure that he could exhange them without seeing you. I don't know how old your kids are , but put in writing your plan (Ie Aunt So and So will bring them to you and pick them up or honk and I will send the kids out) and email it to him.

 

Also, you need to not move in with the AP anytime soon. Your kids have had so much trauma and you will be piling on. You need to provide them stability and put yourself in a position to coparent as your H begins to heal.

[aileD]

My husband had an affair. A lot of times, especially when I found out, I felt like my whole life was a lie. Everything in it, nothing was real. I am horrible to say but in my own paid, I neglected my kids. I was there, because I had to be, but I wasn't functioning and I wasn't the mother I was before.

 

He likely feels the same. Binge dating? Coping mechanism. It hurts too much to be in his old life right now. It's self preservation. How humiliating tonshow his face in the old community after your affair. (I know I felt that)

 

Is it ok to be completely gone? No. And it's awful that your children will think dad just abandoned them when in reality, your actions caused the family breakdown.

 

Is his family involved? Could you speak to his family and make some arrangements with them? Drop them off with his parents and let them facilitate the contact so you are out of it?

[GoldenR]

If he feels anything like me, then he feels replaced....as a husband, as a man. He feels like a failure as a husband and a man, being that you chose your AP over him. The difference between him and me was I kept my girls and booted her. But while I don't condone what he's doing, I get it. I didn't want to see my WW at all bc it brought back my feelings of being a failure.

 

I went thru quite a few females very quickly in the immediate aftermath, as I think that subconsciously I was trying to prove to myself that I was indeed, still a desirable man. And my guess is that's what he is doing as well.

 

Give him a break, and leave your righteous fury at home. Then ask yourself, how much time away from your kids did you sacrifice to carry on with your A?

[road]

When my husband died, it was a little hairy for me. I wanted to die also. I kind of don't remember too much for a while after he passed.

 

My kids, 7 & 5 at the time somehow made it to school, clean, homework, bedtime and love, so much love. It isn't an exact analogy...

 

The conclusion is this dude may be just not the nicest of fellows. Although this will never amend a reason to cheat, the children are entirely separate.

 

I won't ever agree to enough hurt to leave/neglect the kids and I know that you are saying the same.

 

Dealing with a husband that dies too young is not the same as

dealing with a WW. Both very painful, but both very different.

[WomenWubber]

Parents are human beings and human beigns screw up big time all the time.

 

You did and now it's his turn. Too bad for your kids.

[QuietDan]

Last time I posted we were making a miserable attempt at repairing our marriage after my A. But the truth was the A never stopped. I was always one foot out. Repeated discoveries by H of this breach of trust. Finally he had enough and moved out and currently we are mediating for division of assets before we finally cut the chord. I'm still with my AP but not moved in together.

 

I will be forever sorry for causing this pain to break up my family like this. But what is happening now can't surely be down to me? For the last 1 month H has completely stopped meeting our kids. He has floundered on every visits citing one excuse after the other and only talks to them via phone (which I facilitate). He is completely out of their lives now. In this last month he has not even visited our kids school programs. My kids are devastated and angry too. They can't believe or understand why daddy won't give them anymore time.

 

In the meanwhile I hear from friends he is kind of binge dating. Which boils me with anger. He has time for dates but not his children?! He has a father first of all who has responsiblities. Not interacting with me I can understand. I can understand that if he wants to delete me from his past. But what is his kids' fault? why is he trying to punish them?

 

I ask this questions and we have fights the few time we talked. I very much want him to have equal access to them. He was a great father to them before. I suggested ways of drop offs where he doesn't have to see me. He just goes on the line that too much is going on in his life right now where he is failing with the appointments.

 

How do I deal with this situation? Despite their hurt I know my kids miss their daddy and it breaks my heart

 

I suppose, it is one of those things that you never really know how you will react until you personally face that situation in your life.

Most men that I know, try to do the right thing and stay active in the life of the children. Sometimes, their efforts are hampered by relationship war with the ex wife who may or may not play games with access to the children.

Although, I have also known a few men who have completely dropped out of existence and ran for hills to start a new life elsewhere.

It seems that the father child relationship is a bit precarious in this culture to begin with. With some it takes very little to dissociate and drift away. Others Start out strong then fade. Still others, start out weak, and then build in effort, time, commitment.

So much has to do with personal history, family history, life history, and life's lessons.

Generally, probable best to gently encourage and be patient, reach out to his other family members that may not be threatening to him.

Some men are resilient when it comes to this type of situation, some are not.

There are a lot of old country western songs about broken relationships and broken people.

[sandylee1]

I'm not sure how old your are, but perhaps telling them why the marriage has ended, in a child appropriate way would allow them to empathise and not be angry with him.

 

He will be seeing other women to prove to himself that he still has it. That he's still desirable and not useless in bed.

 

He needs that boost in order to gain some confidence to be able to face you without feeling like a failure. Without feeling like a man who couldn't satisfy his wife sexually and she had to go and have sex elsewhere.

 

He needs to feel like a man again and because your actions have made him feel like less of a man. Those are the things that some BHs have told me.

 

Once he has picked up his confidence, chances are he will come back to his kids.

 

Right now seeing the kids involves seeing you and that likely fills him with a combination of humiliation and rage.

 

If you were honest and just ended it, without repeatedly being caught, it would very likely have been different. Instead you continued to sneak around and every dday, he died a little bit more inside with the hurt of betrayal.

 

I think if you can arrange an intermediary to do drops offs, like one of your siblings or parents, it might be easier on him.

 

I also think you need to take full responsibility for the fact that your children are suffering.

 

You created this and perhaps letting your husband know that you are entirely to blame for the fact that the children are affected,

and coming up with a proposal for him to be able to see the kids, without having to see you, that might help.

 

Maybe he can pick them up from school on a Friday and drop then on Monday, without having to see you.

 

I realise you'll have to sort out logistics like school uniform etc

[NTV]

Has anything anyone said to you here helped?

[aileD]

I'm not sure how old your are, but perhaps telling them why the marriage has ended, in a child appropriate way would allow them to empathise and not be angry with him.

 

Are you suggesting she tell her kids that she had an affair and that's why their dad left and the marriage ended?

 

If not, sorry I misunderstood.

 

But if that's what you mean, I strongly disagree. Ive done a lot of research on this due to my own situation and the only thing worse for kids than divorce is awareness of a parent cheating.

 

You will first change all their feelings for him over to you. It will be your fault you drove him out of their lives (in their eyes). They will feel. Guilty for loving you. They will be confused about their own security. If you can cheat on your husband. You can do the same in parent/child form to them. It messes up their moral code. And so much more. They are already dealing with the divorce and all the trauma and uncertainty that exists there for them, don't add this onto it.

 

Your job is to love them, let them know that their dad loves them , and they they can feel secure in their home, family, school, house etc and it all won't be taken away like their dad.

[Confused48]

Just like having a revenge affair is wrong, this is as well. Just like a revenge affair, you can't change his mind about this.

 

He might be doing this to punish you. If that is the case, being extra eager to have him be a father to his children will only make that less likely. I would think the best thing you can do is to stay out of it as much as you can. Don't be obstructive but don't be helpful either. Just let him work it out himself, if and when he comes to his senses. Which may or may not happen but you have little to no influence over that.

 

So stop trying. Don't let something you have no control over drive you crazy. Accept it.

[wmacbride]

Just like having a revenge affair is wrong, this is as well. Just like a revenge affair, you can't change his mind about this.

 

He might be doing this to punish you. If that is the case, being extra eager to have him be a father to his children will only make that less likely. I would think the best thing you can do is to stay out of it as much as you can. Don't be obstructive but don't be helpful either. Just let him work it out himself, if and when he comes to his senses. Which may or may not happen but you have little to no influence over that.

 

So stop trying. Don't let something you have no control over drive you crazy. Accept it.

 

I agree with much of what you say, except the part abut making it as easy as possible for her bs to see the kids.

 

If a ws has to swallow his or her pride to make it as easy as possible for bs to see the kids, then that is what he or she needs to do.

[oldshirt]

A BS still has a responsibility to to parent their children even if they are hurt and angry at the WS and feel emasculated and rejected.

 

However we must also remember that WS's are documented liers and manipulators, that view the world through their own selfish sense of entitlement.

 

What is described as "...never goes to school programs..." Could really have been one school event missed because it was her custodial evening and he just didn't have it in him to put up with her and the AP being there.

 

And this "...binge dating.." Could have been one date or even one night out with friends on HER custodial weekend but where she tried to get him to watch the kids so she and AP could go out but he either said no or didn't return the phone call.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Well, what your husband is doing is crappy at best. His is, by extension of his disdain and avoidance of you, making your and his innocent children to suffer for YOUR and now his transgressions. I believe the fate of your relationship with him is sealed, but he has now introduced a whole new unfortunate dynamic that need not have happened. Poor kids. Sh*tty adult parents.

[oldshirt]

 

And this "...binge dating.." Could have been one date or even one night out with friends on HER custodial weekend but where she tried to get him to watch the kids so she and AP could go out but he either said no or didn't return the phone call.

 

I have states in numerous threads that for an A to flourish, there has to be a marriage and an accomidating BS.

 

This may be a real world example of that.

 

Back when she was seeing the OM on the down low, her BH was home taking care of the home and children so she and the OM could get away for some hot, monkey sex whenever they wanted.

 

Now that they are separated and he is starting to live his own life, she's stuck with kids herself at least 50% of the time and if she and the OM are feeling a little randy, she doesn't have the convenience of the BH to have the kids when she wants to get down on the kitchen counter or get away to the No-Tell Motel for a few hours.

 

The BS having their own life and not taking the kids and other family responsibilities can be a real drag and real downer for a WS.

 

.....and especially for an OM. Not many OM are gonna want to stick around once they realize that there are going to be kids poking around the house and that they will be expected to do kids stuff and that they will now also be expected to unclog the WS's toilet and kill all the spiders in the house.

 

Affairs lose all their fun once the marriage is dissolved and the BS is no longer appeasing the WS and AP.

 

I think our OP is getting her first real taste of this but is lashing out in anger at the BH and twisting it to look like he is being neglectful towards the children rather than accepting that he now has his own and that life is no longer about serving her.

[oldshirt]

 

Affairs lose all their fun once the marriage is dissolved and the BS is no longer appeasing the WS and AP.

 

I think our OP is getting her first real taste of this but is lashing out in anger at the BH and twisting it to look like he is being neglectful towards the children rather than accepting that he now has his own life and that life is no longer about serving her.

 

Just restating this for emphasis.

 

This is what I suspect is taking place here.

[anna121]

OP, accept that this will be a bad, very bad in fact, adjustment period. For your children's sake, do not encourage their anger at their Dad. Show some compassion.

 

You are in no position to browbeat him. You can tell him the kids miss him. Anything else is not your place. Don't even try to guilt trip him.

[gettingstronger]

My kids are my number one priority, always have been....However there was a period where I was a bit uneven with my emotions. I avoided time with them because I didn't want them to see me that way....Weak and angry.

 

 

I think its this- the best you can do for your kids is to not saying anything negative about their Dad-as wrong as he is for doing this, your behavior at least partially caused this- for the good of the kids run interference as best you can- perhaps offer to drop them at his families place for him to see them-

[DKT3]

I have states in numerous threads that for an A to flourish, there has to be a marriage and an accomidating BS.

 

This may be a real world example of that.

 

Back when she was seeing the OM on the down low, her BH was home taking care of the home and children so she and the OM could get away for some hot, monkey sex whenever they wanted.

 

Now that they are separated and he is starting to live his own life, she's stuck with kids herself at least 50% of the time and if she and the OM are feeling a little randy, she doesn't have the convenience of the BH to have the kids when she wants to get down on the kitchen counter or get away to the No-Tell Motel for a few hours.

 

The BS having their own life and not taking the kids and other family responsibilities can be a real drag and real downer for a WS.

 

.....and especially for an OM. Not many OM are gonna want to stick around once they realize that there are going to be kids poking around the house and that they will be expected to do kids stuff and that they will now also be expected to unclog the WS's toilet and kill all the spiders in the house.

 

Affairs lose all their fun once the marriage is dissolved and the BS is no longer appeasing the WS and AP.

 

I think our OP is getting her first real taste of this but is lashing out in anger at the BH and twisting it to look like he is being neglectful towards the children rather than accepting that he now has his own and that life is no longer about serving her.

 

I hinted to this being the case a few pages back, husband missing time is stealing her alone time with her boyfriend. I suspect that at least part of it for the husband is realizing that he was caring for kids and she was off having fun.

 

I think some of our female posters are jumping the gun and making a little to much out of him missing a few thing for one month. How much did op miss...That is the irony of the situation. His one month vs her months and months.

 

[]

Edited April 19, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Inflammatory content removed and member suspended

[Imajerk17]

Well OP, to answer your original question: Is that on you? The answer is YES, it is ABSOLUTELY on you. I mean, he is the one who is deciding he needs some time to heal and be away from everyone. But the thing is though, you truly did a number on him and did him dirty.

 

He taking time away from the kids is unfortunate. But you yourself have absolutely no right to be angry at him. No right whatsoever. YOU took time away from your kids to be with AP and break up your family. You probably were distracted from your family obsessing over AP when you were home too. So now you are saying it is wrong for him to take time off to date/heal? That has to be going on in his mind. AND your STBXH is probably thinking that you want him to take the kids some more so you can run off for more fun w AP.

 

I am not a dad myself but I do know plenty of parents who were distracted for some time during/after separation/divorce, they healed and they were able to patch their relationship with their kids up. One got divorced when his son was 8 and was not a good dad that year but now son is 21 and he and Dad are like best friends. Your job now (the least you can do) is to do what you can to give STBXH this space.

 

[blueParrot hasn't been back since her opening post. I suspected she knew already how sharply she was going to get criticized? I am watching my words carefully in this post but that is because I am well aware of the Rules And Guidelines here. Let's just say that I feel really bad for her STBXH]

Edited April 19, 2017 by Imajerk17

[William]

OK, three members suspended, so far. It appears people don't get the message to focus on the topic and follow our kind moderators instructions so I'll drag out the stick and remove you from the forum. One way or another, discussions will proceed according to our guidelines. Two moderators spent a lot of their valuable day cleaning this thread up and I expect members to pay for that and those who caused the work did. Don't do it again.

 

If you are a betrayed spouse, and especially a betrayed husband, did/do you cut ties with your children after separating? If so, how and why, if not how and why. How is your relationship with your kids? Other people need not respond. Thanks!

[Cephalopod]

William if I may...

 

What we have here is a situation where the OP came in and threw a big stone in a quiet pool. I believe she meant this to be a provocative thread, and her underlying desire to get the rest of us to justify her behavior.

 

Well she has not been back for several days now, and some good members have ended up being banned due to the *****storm she initiated. I recommend you close the thread until she comes back and answers some of the questions put to her.

[Whoknew30]

William if I may...

 

What we have here is a situation where the OP came in and threw a big stone in a quiet pool. I believe she meant this to be a provocative thread, and her underlying desire to get the rest of us to justify her behavior.

 

Well she has not been back for several days now, and some good members have ended up being banned due to the *****storm she initiated. I recommend you close the thread until she comes back and answers some of the questions put to her.

 

I think she was really asking a question & wanting to know why a "bs" would throw their kids to the side bc they were cheated on...it's an absolutely fair question.

 

 

Getting a WS back should never come a child's expense...& no excuse in the world would justify it. A parent having hurt feelings is no justification either. I & my H were BS & we never dropped the ball on parent responsibility

Edited April 19, 2017 by Whoknew30
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