Is NC Truly Best?

[breadbin]

you are not in a position to be friends with this woman...yet! maybe in the future who knows but for your own sake just cut her out of your life. It is hard but you will feel so much better when you do. The anxiety you feel is the fear regarding the future life without her. It's like worrying about something that never happens. But this is happening. You have the power to rid yourself of all this anxiety. All you have to do is ignore her breadcrumbs, no contact for a couple of weeks and you will be asking yourself 'how was I such an eejit?'

 

I'm speaking from experience too, i've hurt so bad too. I know every relationship is different but there are so many similarities. get doing something to take your mind off her. go for a run!! go for a run on a nice sunny day where there are loads of people and enjoy. say hello to them, wink at them. you need more than a poxy ex gf in your life.

[whatnot]

Hey Cole....you won't go back to what you were doing before you met her. You'll go on to something different. After that, you'll go on to meet other women. Then....BOOM, you will meet the woman you never thought you'd ever meet. It's gonna happen friend. I promise ya that one.

 

You're 33. I'm 58. Don't argue with your elders boy!!

 

Don't block this woman. Just go get another number. And...don't tell her you did this. DO NOT give her your new number. She will hurt you with it if you do. She will hurt you with anything you give her now. Anything. Your time, your interest, your kindness, your trying to make it work. Your replying to her texts. Your replying to her efforts to acknowledge her. She will hurt you with that as well. She will, and IS, making everything that is happening your fault. *it's not* Getting a new number will help you get some control back.

 

You're a good guy. You're a sensitive man. Trust me on this one. You will love again. (It's baked into the cake).

Edited April 15, 2017 by whatnot

[whatnot]

My wife left me when I was 40. I thought my life was over. It took 2 years to recover. But...it was not over. I began doing things I never dreamed I'd ever do. I bought a boat and sailed the Great Lakes. I raced race cars. I made a friend or two.....(they show up when you're ready, and you will be). And I became interested in other women again.

 

And you'll go on to do your thing. But, you have to live to that point to know what that is going to be. You don't....can't.... know everything in advance. You live it.

 

Good luck man, you'll do this.

 

From one loner to another....

 

edit (oh and about the crying.....it's helping you to connect with yourself again. I've been in business meetings when I've had to excuse myself....run to a bathroom stall....and...uncontrollably....cry my heart out. It's a scary thing when one's emotions take over and you don't feel in control of yourself. Normal. But, scary. This too shall pass

Edited April 16, 2017 by whatnot

[SpecialJ]

You're right, it's pretty hard to stay sane when someone dumps you then stays in constant contact because they think they can break up and only keep the good parts of the relationship immediately afterwards without the commitment. I really feel for you because this happened to me 6 months ago. I told my ex I needed space, and never told him I could be just friends, but he'd keep contacting me. I'd eventually break down and answer every couple weeks. At first I let this go on because I needed to wean off of our contact, and honestly I thought low contact might help us reconcile. After four months, we weren't reconciling and hearing from him always gave me anxiety. I couldn't take it any more and made him see that it was time for no contact for real. It's been over a month now, and while I still miss him, the anxiety is gone. It's been a good thing. The sad (or maybe not?) thing now that I've had some space is that, because of how he ignored my needs for those months right after the breakup (apparently I also wasn't getting over it fast enough for him... to stop feeling guilty, presumably), I truly don't know if I'd be willing to try to salvage the friendship he so desperately wants. Right now I don't see it happening, and I have no plans to break no contact any time soon. Don't wait until you're this drained to walk away... though for me, getting to that point was maybe the only way.

 

It will feel bad at first, because you can think of it as front-loading your anxiety -- but then after you get used to not talking every day it will get so much better and you'll be able to think more clearly. I hope you are able to take the next steps towards starting to heal.

[Soak]

I have read through this thread, and i will tell you this. I was where you are at nine weeks ago. Person who begged to be 'friends' three days after dumping me.

 

I NOW realise one or more of the following things:

 

- Her 'back up plan' over the weekend did not work out, hence her 'need' to be friends (as a security blanket).

 

- She wanted the benefits of ME, without the responsibility, and would have used the 'we're only friends' card if things had gotten rough between us, or she met somebody she perceived as a better 'prospect'.

 

Do not fall for either of these shams.

 

Friendship does not exist between two ex-lovers, or else they would have stayed together.

 

For the record, she may be perceiving you as 'needy' (her being 'cruel') because she has either met somebody 'better', or you no longer serve a purpose in her life. Eg, she has gained more confidence, or is in the process of replacing you.

 

For the love of God, and the possible, potemtial love of yourself, withdraw from her completely. Even if you have to turn the tables, and 'blame' her for something. Just go NC.

 

I think, given that she was rude with you, just discontinue responding to her. Withdraw... Do not tell her why, you do not need to.

 

Do NOT justify anything to her.

 

Go NC.

[d0nnivain]

colevids

 

 

Have you ever heard the expression it's cruel to be kind? That is what was going on her. Your EX probably called you all the time because she knew you were hurting & she hated being the source of your pain. She was trying to be nice because she didn't like seeing you in pain. What she wasn't realizing is that by calling every day she kept the two of you connected. You haven't been able to move forward because part of her is still in your life. You aren't talking to others. You are not making progress. She's keeping you stuck. She doesn't see it that way. She sees herself making all this effort to help you but you stay right where you are. Now she's getting cranky & what you describe as cruelty -- her finally pulling away -- is starting.

 

 

Again, this may be the best thing for you because it will force you to heal with out her. You haven't taken that step to severe the connection so she's cutting the cord.

 

 

Hang in there.

[whatnot]

Now she's getting cranky & what you describe as cruelty -- her finally pulling away -- is starting.

How does this explain her anger toward him? You mean, she's seeing that all of her "help" hasn't been enough? And, that's making her angry?

 

 

When I told my ex that we're NC .... she got mad. And she wasn't mad because she was getting what she wanted.

Edited April 16, 2017 by whatnot

[breadbin]

She's angry at him because she can be and he will take it. She is dangerous and OP you need to get away from her.

 

My guess is she doesn't know what she wants in a man. On the one hand she wants the manly man who will tell her where to go, not put up with her crap, who will be indifferent to where she is. The man who will excite her because she won't know if he will hang around or pick someone else. On the other hand she wants the gentle man too, the dependable one. She wants you but not you if you get my meaning.

 

I'd say alot of her anger is coming from the fact she was trying to make you into a different man and she couldn't. When you keep coming back for more, and begging for more the respect she has for is rock bottom.

 

The only thing you can do now is to get out of the situation. No amount of talking will change her image of you. The only thing you can do is focus on yourself. The only way she will respect you again is if you respect yourself. Begging her to mistreat you and abuse you is not the way to go. Walk away and walk on.

 

She knows you are a nice guy. Tell her you don't want to hear from her again. That will upset her. Ignore her texts and it will upset her even more. Then forget about her, push her out of your life. She will respect you more for this and in the future she will remember it. It will be up to you then if you want to get back. You will have all the power and when you don't want her anymore, she will want you.

[whatnot]

She's angry at him because she can be and he will take it. She is dangerous and OP you need to get away from her.

 

My guess is she doesn't know what she wants in a man. On the one hand she wants the manly man who will tell her where to go, not put up with her crap, who will be indifferent to where she is. The man who will excite her because she won't know if he will hang around or pick someone else. On the other hand she wants the gentle man too, the dependable one. She wants you but not you if you get my meaning.

 

I'd say alot of her anger is coming from the fact she was trying to make you into a different man and she couldn't. When you keep coming back for more, and begging for more the respect she has for is rock bottom.

 

The only thing you can do now is to get out of the situation. No amount of talking will change her image of you. The only thing you can do is focus on yourself. The only way she will respect you again is if you respect yourself. Begging her to mistreat you and abuse you is not the way to go. Walk away and walk on.

 

She knows you are a nice guy. Tell her you don't want to hear from her again. That will upset her. Ignore her texts and it will upset her even more. Then forget about her, push her out of your life. She will respect you more for this and in the future she will remember it. It will be up to you then if you want to get back. You will have all the power and when you don't want her anymore, she will want you.

This is kinda my thinking on her anger. She knows he's a good man. She's mad at herself for not knowing what she wants and she's running a good guy off. kinda my take.

[coledvids]

@whatnot -

 

Your posts made me smile and feel quite positive, man. You’re right. This is the springboard from which my life gets better.

 

You’re so right. You can’t know everything in advance, that’s not possible.

 

I’m glad to hear you went on to do some fulfilling things too, man. All respect due to you, Sir!

 

 

@Soak -

 

“Friendship does not exist between two ex-lovers, or else they would have stayed together.”

 

Woah, what a statement. I never thought about it that way.

 

She was rude to me this morning (she was replying to something from yesterday) - “I’ll speak to you tomorrow or something. Not today” - I mean, wow. The level of disrespect. I wasn’t rude, abusive, persistent, nothing. I didn’t respond, and I don’t intend to ever do so.

[coledvids]

@d0nnivain -

 

“She sees herself making all this effort to help you but you stay right where you are. Now she's getting cranky & what you describe as cruelty -- her finally pulling away -- is starting. “

 

This is exactly what has happened. She knows about my issues with anxiety and depression, and had started trying to give me advice on how to manage the break up and its feelings. Because I didn’t follow her advice to the letter and we were still in daily contact (with me dropping in the odd “I miss you”, etc - foolish, I know) she became impatient and annoyed with me. I’m amazed that you’ve described the entire situation without me even writing about it, but I guess that just shows how predictable this behaviour is.

 

I haven’t responded to her last message and I don’t intend to. I am scared, yes. But I don’t want to keep being hurt.

 

@breadbin -

 

I am a nice person and she knows it. I have walked away from her without a word and I don’t intend to speak to her again for a very long time. I have put up with a lot during the relationship - at one point she demanded so much of me that I almost failed my studies, and is still in contact with her ex, despite me not being allowed to even mention mine by name - I am done. I am hurting, and I miss her, but I am done. I am not tolerating this.

[coledvids]

Just wanna say that I'm really grateful for everyone that's taken the time out to reply. It's given me a lot of perspective and hope - I'd gotten to the point where I was trying to manage this on my own, trying to work it all out in my head and I just couldn't.

[monmon238]

Hi,

 

I'm currently in a situation where my girlfriend of two years has broken up with me, but we are still in daily contact - I often receive 'good morning' and 'good night' messages. While of course this is easing the blow of the break up, I am beginning to wonder if this is helpful, in terms of moving on.

 

We have been together for two years. We had a lot of ups and downs, regular break ups, that sort of thing. Not a very healthy relationship. The problem I am having is that I am 33, and worried about my future in terms of relationships.

 

I have also suffered a lot of rejection - being with her for two years and subsequently being dumped is having a profound effect on my mood and making me very depressed.

 

She has told me that she is willing to be friends, and, as I've said, messages me every day. We were supposed to meet yesterday but both agreed on not doing so as when we have done that in the past we end up sleeping together.

 

Of course I know all about NC as a moving on tool - another issue is that at this point in my life I am extremely lonely and if her and I don't talk, I won't really have anyone else. What I'm worried about is her moving on while we're still talking, being 'friends', etc. I'm struggling to let go, basically.

 

I don't really know what to do for the best, and what would help me move on the fastest. Is NC truly the best option? Does it always make a mess of things if you don't go NC?

 

I'm not going to lie, I have a problem with asking her repeatedly to try again. In the past this has worked and she's got back with me (of course, we only go on to break up again) - so in my mind this approach will work again. I think I am addicted to this relationship/person, despite it not being very good.

 

I was wondering if anyone had any practical tips to help me out of this situation, as I am feeling a bit stuck/lost.

 

Hey man,

 

my story is almost the same like yours, yeah the details might be different, but the bold lines are the same, i think NC is best, i know its hard and i am suffering from the exact same things you mentioned, like the lack of friends, i absically lost the person that i wrapped my life around, and i dont even have family where i live as i live in a different continent from where i grew up.

 

i miss the closeness the most, having someone to cuddle with at night and talk to about my day and listen to her tlak about her day, but as everyone else said, this person is gone now, and you have to accept that and not keep contact just for the hope that one day she will say lets try again, i bascally begged my ex to try again and the more the begged the easier she said no as if we never loved each other, i still fail to understand how some people can lose the love for someone so easily, but i guess some people's feelings are not as profound and deep as others.

 

i had a coupel of posts about my story if teh details would intrest you.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/619692-i-love-her-can-t-get-over-her

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/620384-does-she-still-love-me

 

if you want, we can keep in contact and talk and keep motivating each other and talk about our progress with this painful process.

 

it might help us both, let me know if you are up fot it.

 

wish you all the best.

 

Happy Easter

 

Mina

[coledvids]

@monmon238 -

 

I'll send you a PM and yeah, I'd like that. It could be quite helpful. Thank you for the links I'll take a look.

[coledvids]

Update

 

Since this morning's contact, when I was told I wouldn't be spoken to again today and my immediate NC I hadn't heard from her all day.

 

Until now when I've just received three missed calls from her. Obviously this annoyed me and then made my heart drop. I didn't answer. She then messaged me to say she was calling to talk to me as I'd said I wanted to talk.

 

The thing is though, it's too late. I wanted to speak to her earlier and I was rudely dismissed. I didn't reply to the message, I have nothing to say.

[breadbin]

Well done! It gets easier as time goes on but you have taken that first step. She's playing mind games with you i'm afraid to say. She tells you one thing and now tells you something else. It is very tough at this point. There are a million things shooting through your brain.

 

I'm sure you still love her and I'm sure she loves you. Something that kept me going through no contact was the fact that to do no contact is the only way to get her back. Remember that. It is important. If you want her back you do no contact. I'm sure you mean well saying you don't want her but it doesn't work that fast. I'm not joking when I say it was the hardest thing I ever did. I don't know where I found the strength. The thing is you get to a stage where you have gotten over her and you don't even care if she comes back to you. That's the goal.

[coledvids]

@breadbin -

 

Thank you!

 

 

Oh no doubt, she is playing mind games. She made it very clear she didn’t want to speak to me earlier, then three successive missed calls very late at night? Lol.

 

What got me through that was the fact that I kept thinking “I don’t have to speak to you anymore or put up with this, we are not together anymore” - I felt quite strong, actually.

 

It’s true, you do get to that point. It takes a while sometimes but it comes. A few weeks ago, I saw another ex strolling through the train station with her new boyfriend and I didn't care. It didn't affect me at all. This was someone who broke my heart and who I was distraught over, when she left. The amount of indifference I felt was crazy!

 

When did you and your ex break up?

[breadbin]

Well officially the end of October last but I hadn't heard of 'no contact' and did the usual begging, needy, clingy messing. I thought that was the way to get her back but like I found out the hard way, it actually pushed her farther away. It was only really mid March that I started taking control back. We had been talking, texting meeting up until then and it was like break up after break up all over again. It takes time but it is worth it. I didn't deserve that and you don't either.

[coledvids]

That sounds like a nightmare, man. I'm so glad you found out about NC and were able to take steps to control your life. You didn't deserve that, no. How horrible

[coledvids]

I am repeatedly being contacted by this person and I don't really wish to be.

 

The last message I received was about fifteen minutes ago. Explaining that she didn't mean to call me so many times, but that the calls were going through to my voice mail inbox and that she didn't mean to make it look urgent.

 

My reply was short, I said "Oh, OK".

 

She then said that "we can talk, but I don't want to talk about getting back together"

 

I haven't replied to this. I want to begin NC as soon as possible but I am being contacted by this person who seems to have no respect for my boundaries OR pain.

 

It may look a little stupid coming on here asking for advice but I am considering one of two options:

 

Outright blocking her number: This will lead to anger etc from her side if she finds out I have blocked her, and she'll probably block me back.

 

Telling her I don't wish to have any contact: To me this is the most frightening of the two. It means that she won't contact me (which of course is what is best) and that's so scary.

 

I don't know. But I need out.

[Blanco]

Outright blocking her number: This will lead to anger etc from her side if she finds out I have blocked her, and she'll probably block me back.

 

Yeah, and? Does what you want or is best for your sanity not mean anything? Who cares if she gets upset? Who cares if she blocks you back? You wouldn't even know that she did if you have her blocked.

 

Telling her I don't wish to have any contact: To me this is the most frightening of the two. It means that she won't contact me (which of course is what is best) and that's so scary.

 

Trust me when I say that carrying on as you are indefinitely is going to be way worse over the course of time than the immediate pain that comes with ripping the band-aid right off.

[whatdeww18]

I am repeatedly being contacted by this person and I don't really wish to be.

 

The last message I received was about fifteen minutes ago. Explaining that she didn't mean to call me so many times, but that the calls were going through to my voice mail inbox and that she didn't mean to make it look urgent.

 

My reply was short, I said "Oh, OK".

 

She then said that "we can talk, but I don't want to talk about getting back together"

 

I haven't replied to this. I want to begin NC as soon as possible but I am being contacted by this person who seems to have no respect for my boundaries OR pain.

It may look a little stupid coming on here asking for advice but I am considering one of two options:

 

Outright blocking her number: This will lead to anger etc from her side if she finds out I have blocked her, and she'll probably block me back.

 

Telling her I don't wish to have any contact: To me this is the most frightening of the two. It means that she won't contact me (which of course is what is best) and that's so scary.

 

I don't know. But I need out.

 

Sounds like it'll stay this way or get worse in terms of what she says to you.

 

You sound conflicted about going into No Contact. From what I can gather about reading your thread; I would say it's difficult for you to go into No Contact as you are putting her feelings before yours. Your feelings need to be of top priority right now.

 

If at all possible, maybe turn off your phone for a day or a few haha. Take this time to think, without interaction from her, and decide what will help you move on.

 

It's easy for your logic to be clouded by your emotions. Possibly, you're at a breaking point, as your logic and emotions are constantly conflicted. Take this time to be well to yourself and hopefully, in time, you will see the kindness in the advice provided by many posters and adhere to it.

 

Wishing you a healing and self-empowering journey

 

-WhatDEWWWWW

[coledvids]

I've blocked her.

 

I can't be bothered to be stuck in this for the next however many weeks and months, and then to look back and think "I could have been over it, by now"

 

No-one is worth the pain, to be honest.

[EmilyJane]

I've blocked her.

 

I can't be bothered to be stuck in this for the next however many weeks and months, and then to look back and think "I could have been over it, by now"

 

No-one is worth the pain, to be honest.

 

I think it is the right thing for now.

 

Be prepared for the pain 2-3 weeks into NC. Delete the means to contact her before then.

 

If you are in contact again in the future I've found a good boundary is saying you dont want contact unless it's to discuss reconciliation. Means less head games and nips the we can be friends stuff in the bud.

[airborne3502]

I've blocked her.

 

I can't be bothered to be stuck in this for the next however many weeks and months, and then to look back and think "I could have been over it, by now"

 

No-one is worth the pain, to be honest.

 

Bravo sir! High five!

 

You're on a ship at sea, that's being battered by a raging tempest.

 

However, you just did something amazing. You've taken hold of the ship's wheel, and exerted your control over the situation.

 

What you're feeling right now, as you right your tattered sails and set your course, is your confidence, and self-esteem returning.

 

You're not out of danger yet, and there are rough waters ahead, but there are people on here that will listen, offer sound advice, and help get you past the rocks.

 

I leave you with the last two lines of the poem "Invictus" by William Ernest Henley:

 

I am the master of my fate,

 

I am the captain of my soul.