Why do MM seek emotional as well as physical affairs?

[somanymistakes]

If I claimed that everything I did was how things are "for women" you'd get a very weird idea of what women are like, you know.

 

You keep having it pointed out to you that many men are exactly the opposite - trying to act tough and emotionless and only into sex in public or with their male friends that they need to show status over, while not actually feeling that way at all - and you keep disregarding it because it isn't you. But you're not everyone.

 

I mean, the whole point of this topic seems to be asking why, if men only want sex, they build emotional attachments where they are not necessary in order to get sex. Because many of them do!

[Spring23]

The majority of women that have affairs are played. I know no one wants to believe that, especially the ladies but it is true...

 

You're probably right. Gen X girls (like myself) were raised with pretty traditional role models and didn't think Cinderella was written as a fairytale but as a text book. We were all sure our prince would come and we would live "happily ever after." In fact, if we didn't live "happily ever after" then we were really defective. This is what was drilled into little girls. So when it comes to romance women regress to child-like thinking.

 

Hopefully, the new generation will be raised differently.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Ten characters

Edited April 13, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[Redhead14]

Who says all MM's only want a sexual relationship? Each MM is different in terms of what they want or need from an affair. The common issue is lack of character and lack of ability to embrace the meaning of the words commitment/marriage as well as the ability to be surreptitious/sneaky which falls into the "character" bucket.

Edited April 13, 2017 by Redhead14

[spiderowl]

It's interesting that some say women are being 'played' but I'm not talking about the soppy confessions or lovey-dovey words here, as there weren't any. I was definitely getting sense that it meant more to him than sex. He asked a few 'what if I was free'-type questions and it seemed like he was really looking for an emotional bond. It didn't get as far as even meeting but it didn't appear to be all about sex. I felt he was reasonably happy with his wife. This goes against what I have heard guys seeking affairs say. It thought it was fairly standard to claim that (a) they no longer had feelings for their wife; or (b) never had sex with her any more.

 

All in all, it was a confusing discussion and not what I would have expected.

 

I completely agree about the dishonesty and disrespect it means in his marriage. Being willing to lie and go behind someone's back is a serious character flaw. Is there any justification for this?

Edited April 14, 2017 by spiderowl

[darkbloom]

from my experience, he claimed his relationship was happy at home. He said they get along great and that they didn't have any major issues. He never bad mouthed her or uttered a single word against her except his concern that sometimes she lacks empathy.

 

He wanted the emotional connection with me. It was never about the sex for him. I don't think you can label all MM into a one size fits only box. I was the emotionally distant one because (thanks to LS) I know that these never end well for the OW.

[Arieswoman]

Q. Why do MM seek emotional as well as physical affairs

A. How long is a piece of string?

 

I don't think all of them do and there isn't a one-size-fits-all answer to this question.

 

However, for those that do I believe it's because some are empty, needy people who don't love themselves. They are desperately looking for someone else to fill the gap in themselves.

 

My exH gave one reason for his affair because "he didn't get enough affection". When he told me that I went ballistic.

 

I pointed out all the times that he pushed me away when I tried to cuddle him, how he turned his back on me in bed most nights, how he walked down the street in front of me with me tagging behind like a dog and struggling to catch up. How he would never hold hands in the street. etc etc. How he went barging through shop doors ahead of me without holding them open for me.

 

I asked how he dared to say such a thing, but got no answer.

 

Loving him was like pouring water down a bottomless pit, no matter how much love I gave it was never reciprocated.

Now he's with someone who's as emotionally shut down as he is, so "birds of a feather".

[Overtaxed]

It's interesting that some say women are being 'played' but I'm not talking about the soppy confessions or lovey-dovey words here, as there weren't any. I was definitely getting sense that it meant more to him than sex. He asked a few 'what if I was free'-type questions and it seemed like he was really looking for an emotional bond. It didn't get as far as even meeting but it didn't appear to be all about sex. I felt he was reasonably happy with his wife. This goes against what I have heard guys seeking affairs say. It thought it was fairly standard to claim that (a) they no longer had feelings for their wife; or (b) never had sex with her any more.

 

All in all, it was a confusing discussion and not what I would have expected.

 

I completely agree about the dishonesty and disrespect it means in his marriage. Being willing to lie and go behind someone's back is a serious character flaw. Is there any justification for this?

 

Let me start by saying, every case is different, so what I'm about to say may not in any way apply to you or the OM.

 

However, as Blues said:

 

The majority of women that have affairs are played. I know no one wants to believe that, especially the ladies but it is true...

 

This statement, in GENERAL, is totally accurate, even more so when the OM is already married. There are books out there (that I've read) that focus explicitly on how to deal with and bed married women. It's a script, and a lot of men follow it and actually try to get married women (rather than single) because the chances of developing a "soft harem" with married women is much better (because they have limited time).

 

Let's draw a simply story here. A LOT of men lie about their emotional involvement to get sex (A or not). In fact, I'd argue that MOST unmarried sex involves a man lying about his emotional involvement to get sex from a woman, we're conditioned to do it from a very young age and we're almost expected to say "I love you" before sex, even though, very often, we're not feeling anything that even closely resembles love. Add the situation of doing this when you already have another partner (for the man) who he almost certainly does (or did) love deeply, there's just a very very good chance that any professions of love he makes aren't anywhere near "real love".

 

The sad thing, the sex IS real. There's no "playing" that part, you're really giving that man a piece of yourself, and, if your married, the one thing that you pledged exclusively to your husband. That really does happen, there's no "faking it", and, because of that, there's certainly a lot of women who are being either emotionally manipulated, future faked, or plain out bold faced lied to to get sex. Now, this isn't exclusive to an affair, single men do this all the time too. I've shared that I had a whole lot of partners before I was married, I know I told at least half of them I had some level of strong emotional involvement. For most of those girls, that was a bold faced lie. But the sex we had? There's no lying about that, that was as real as could be, and I'm sure a lot of them deeply regret it because they know, if they search their hearts, that I felt nothing for them beyond what they could offer me sexually.

 

The simple answer here for women, don't get into an A, you're almost certainly not going to get what you want unless you really are looking for more/better sex. The same would hold for men, but, in many cases, men actually do get what they want out of an A; they get to have sex with a new woman. Not that it's not just as bad for them, but at least they get something out of it, women, in many cases, end up with a blown up marriage, an AP who will walk away as soon as it starts to get "real" (or won't leave their wives because, no matter what he tells you his actions show the truth, he cares for her more than he does for you), and not a whole lot to show for it other than another "notch" on their belt (that they didn't want in the first place).

[Spring23]

However, as Blues said:

 

The majority of women that have affairs are played. I know no one wants to believe that, especially the ladies but it is true...

 

This statement, in GENERAL, is totally accurate, even more so when the OM is already married. There are books out there (that I've read) that focus explicitly on how to deal with and bed married women. It's a script, and a lot of men follow it and actually try to get married women (rather than single) because the chances of developing a "soft harem" with married women is much better (because they have limited time).

 

 

Any man who willfully tries to bed a married women is going to have Karma kick their door in one day.

[Overtaxed]

Any man who willfully tries to bed a married women is going to have Karma kick their door in one day.

 

One can hope. Playing single women is bad enough, I feel guilt all the time thinking back on some of the things I said/did to get sex back in my younger days. But specifically going after married women because they are an "easy target"? That's a special kind of sick, I did sleep with married women when I was younger, but I never knew (or even suspected) until it was over, and yes, I did feel terrible about it. I really look at those "players" who go over married women as about as low as those who go after fall down drunk women or women without their full mental facilities; it's just wrong on so many levels. It's also incredibly easy, as an AP, you have a fantasy you can sell; say anything you want because you'll never have to follow through on any of it. No husband (or wife, for that matter, but this is typically males pursuing married women who run this game) stands a chance against that fantasy.

 

Sad men will go this far for sex. Ever sadder that women fall for it all the time. Makes me think that perhaps we should think a bit harder about legalizing sex for money; at least people who are this desperate will have an outlet that's not chasing married women.

[Spring23]

Sad men will go this far for sex. Ever sadder that women fall for it all the time. Makes me think that perhaps we should think a bit harder about legalizing sex for money; at least people who are this desperate will have an outlet that's not chasing married women.

 

Good point!

 

Society is in bad shape right now.

[Overtaxed]

Who says all MM's only want a sexual relationship? Each MM is different in terms of what they want or need from an affair. The common issue is lack of character and lack of ability to embrace the meaning of the words commitment/marriage as well as the ability to be surreptitious/sneaky which falls into the "character" bucket.

 

I would like to see some MM who had affairs in here saying that; because, by and large, the men posting are saying "Yeah, it's probably about sex" while the women posting are saying "He told me he's not really that interested in sex, it's the emotional bond he's looking for".

 

Sure, I could be wrong in this case; but, in general, what I'm saying is true. Most men pursue women for sex, not for emotional bonds. The bonds come later. And in an A, this is even more true for most men because they already have the emotional bond with their wife, they don't need/want more emotions, they want more sex. But they know their AP's need the emotional stuff too, and hey, it's only words, why not offer it up?

[Redhead14]

I would like to see some MM who had affairs in here saying that; because, by and large, the men posting are saying "Yeah, it's probably about sex" while the women posting are saying "He told me he's not really that interested in sex, it's the emotional bond he's looking for".

 

Sure, I could be wrong in this case; but, in general, what I'm saying is true. Most men pursue women for sex, not for emotional bonds. The bonds come later. And in an A, this is even more true for most men because they already have the emotional bond with their wife, they don't need/want more emotions, they want more sex. But they know their AP's need the emotional stuff too, and hey, it's only words, why not offer it up?

 

We can't know for sure that ALL men start out looking for sex. Some affairs simply start out as two people who are "friends". It's some not all either way. But, I agree, more than likely, it's the sex a lot of the time.

 

"He told me he's not really that interested in sex, it's the emotional bond he's looking for". -- If a married man tells a woman that and she's having sex with him regularly, she's not too bright . . .

 

And to me, if the woman believes the man when he says that, it sounds like she in some way justifies it because ALL he really wanted was an emotional bond so it's not as bad as him just wanting sex and perhaps using her for that. And, if he really just wants an emotional bond, why are they having sex? "We're emotionally bonded, so it's ok if we have sex too now".

 

I mean it's the same as "regular" dating. If a man and a woman are going into a dating scenario and the man tells the woman he's looking for a serious long-term relationship, the woman needs to observe whether he dates her that way. So if a married man says he's really interested in the emotional bond, it's not really a good indicator if he jumps into bed with her the first, second, third time they meet and if they are having sex every time they get together going forward . . . if it's the emotional bond they want, they should be at least working on that more and there should be less sex, at least, involved.

 

No matter what, it's not right to circuitously attempt to get what they need from someone other than their partner.