Both married and planning a life together - update

[HeCantBreakMe]

Sometimes it works most of the time it doesn't. If you aren't t happy end your marriage and work on you.. then date. Chances are if he leaves he will cheat on you later on down the road.

 

It isn't greener on the other side.

[pollypepper01]

Hello all,

 

I thought I would update you all on my situation.

 

We had contact off and on over the last two months, with things picking up in the last few weeks.

 

We have now ended our affair, we were attempting to meet each other but I decided to face up to the fact that we were on a crash course for disaster. I said that we needed to give up the ghost and acknowledge that ripping our families apart is not something we should do, we need to rip the plaster off and let this go.

 

The space from him over the two months of virtual no contact had enabled me to engage my rational brain and attach more to real life. It did not diminish the feelings I had for him, but he became more abstract as he was no longer part of my everyday life. This perspective highlighted to me the cost to all involved if we had followed through with our plans to pursue our romantic love over all other loves and commitments we had.

 

I was able to see my husband more objectively, and see the value in our history, the baseline of love we have and what we have built. The investment and focus it would take to get us back to the level of intimacy and connection I know I need is probably a third of the effort it would take to transform my affair into a real relationship. But without the casualties.

 

And the biggest sobering thought was our children. They cannot be responsible for making us happy or making up for the lack of happiness we feel, but with them so young we have to be responsible for their happiness at the cost of our own.

 

My AP said that being a dad within his family bought him lots of joy and he felt hugely confused because of the love we had. I think I too had become an abstract to him with the significant change he had gone through having had a second child. Both of our marriages weren't abusive, or bad, and both of them had benefitted from us not being in each others lives. The conflict had reduced and we were both able to engage at home more. Our spouses became real again, and our respect and bonds with them more apparent. The reasons for his track record of unhappiness and infidelity I am sure is not going to suddenly disappear but at this point in his life, as a father to two very young children, the personal fulfilment of his marriage should not be a priority. That is my perspective anyway.

 

He felt it was more about timing and the age and dependency of his children, and is hopeful of us having a future. I feel that this is extended day dreaming.

 

He said he hadn't ever felt love like the love we had fostered between us. Whether or not that was infatuation/love/potential, it is essentially the same term for falling in love. And the point is it goes nowhere unless you build it and weave your lives together. The only outcome is pain for all.

 

I want to reconnect with my husband and get back to the feeling of certainty i had about him before he strayed and I strayed. My husband is committed to our marriage, but unravelling years of lack of intimacy is daunting. However, I know what I need and I want him to be the one who provides it, so i am going to support him and try my hardest to give us a chance.

 

Would I recommend this experience? Never. It has been so disturbing. It has left me in a state of sadness, wanting and total confusion. If I could have gone back to the moment of finding out my husband had been unfaithful I would have followed through with my instinct then and thrown myself into improving my marriage. Instead I sought out confirmation that there was nothing wrong with me, and in my insecure state I was open to the affair.

 

I feel a significant loss with it ending, and letting go of the hope of a future with somebody I loved in a passionate way. This does not change my resolve that my longterm happiness lies with maintaining my marriage and investing in my family.

 

Right now it is pain, lots of pain. Hopefully on the other side of this will be growth, peace and truly fulfilling love.

 

Over and out. x

[sandylee1]

I'm not sure whether you're committing to your marriage or not from what you've said and from the thread title.

[goodyblue]

I'm not sure whether you're committing to your marriage or not from what you've said and from the thread title.

 

[i

 

I want to reconnect with my husband and get back to the feeling of certainty i had about him before he strayed and I strayed. My husband is committed to our marriage, but unravelling years of lack of intimacy is daunting. However, I know what I need and I want him to be the one who provides it, so i am going to support him and try my hardest to give us a chance. [/i]

[jenkins95]

Polly

 

That was so moving. I will read it many times.

 

I relate to so much of what you have written as someone who was once in an affair as a MM - an affair in which emotions became involved.

 

I was able to see my husband more objectively, and see the value in our history, the baseline of love we have and what we have built. The investment and focus it would take to get us back to the level of intimacy and connection I know I need is probably a third of the effort it would take to transform my affair into a real relationship. But without the casualties.

 

Great paragraph right here. I am over a year into reconciliation and I think it is going really well. Of course, the shadow still looms sometimes, but it is worth it - genuine love and fulfilment is coming back into my marriage and bridges are being re-built. When I get home from work and see my kids faces happy and beaming that "Daddy is home", it often makes me think what life could have been like if we'd ended up separating - perhaps I would have ended up being a "weekend Dad". Of course, kids survive divorce, but having happy parents stay together is surely by far the best outcome.

 

Would I recommend this experience? Never. It has been so disturbing. It has left me in a state of sadness, wanting and total confusion.

 

Brilliant sentence. The word "disturbing" is an excellent choice here from the POV of someone who has cheated and develops feelings for the AP, while still loving their spouse and family and not wanting to destroy everything for everyone. Being in this situation forces you to confront disturbing realities, to question aspects of your life and relationships that you never had cause to question before and often to feel despair at the absurdity of life and the bad choices we have made.

 

If I could have gone back to the moment of finding out my husband had been unfaithful I would have followed through with my instinct then and thrown myself into improving my marriage.

 

I wanted to construct my own version of this sentence. Here it is...

 

"If I could have gone back to the moment where I felt mutual attraction for someone else, I would not have shut out the alarm bells ringing in my head and chosen a selfish, destructive path. I would have walked away, heeded the warning and thrown myself into improving my marriage."

 

Just want to send you a hug (((Polly))). You are not alone in your difficult journey. I relate to it so much and it is worth sticking rigidly to your plan. It's mazing what can come back to a faded realtionship when we really put that effort in. Good luck and keep posting. I wish you and your family all the very best. I want to echo your sentiments in NEVER recommending this path. When it comes to infidelity, usually everyone loses - there are rarely any winners.

 

Thanks for the inspiration. x

Edited April 6, 2017 by jenkins95

[pollypepper01]

Polly

 

That was so moving. I will read it many times.

 

I relate to so much of what you have written as someone who was once in an affair as a MM - an affair in which emotions became involved.

 

 

 

Great paragraph right here. I am over a year into reconciliation and I think it is going really well. Of course, the shadow still looms sometimes, but it is worth it - genuine love and fulfilment is coming back into my marriage and bridges are being re-built. When I get home from work and see my kids faces happy and beaming that "Daddy is home", it often makes me think what life could have been like if we'd ended up separating - perhaps I would have ended up being a "weekend Dad". Of course, kids survive divorce, but having happy parents stay together is surely by far the best outcome.

 

 

 

Brilliant sentence. The word "disturbing" is an excellent choice here from the POV of someone who has cheated and develops feelings for the AP, while still loving their spouse and family and not wanting to destroy everything for everyone. Being in this situation forces you to confront disturbing realities, to question aspects of your life and relationships that you never had cause to question before and often to feel despair at the absurdity of life and the bad choices we have made.

 

 

 

I wanted to construct my own version of this sentence. Here it is...

 

"If I could have gone back to the moment where I felt mutual attraction for someone else, I would not have shut out the alarm bells ringing in my head and chosen a selfish, destructive path. I would have walked away, heeded the warning and thrown myself into improving my marriage."

 

Just want to send you a hug (((Polly))). You are not alone in your difficult journey. I relate to it so much and it is worth sticking rigidly to your plan. It's mazing what can come back to a faded realtionship when we really put that effort in. Good luck and keep posting. I wish you and your family all the very best. I want to echo your sentiments in NEVER recommending this path. When it comes to infidelity, usually everyone loses - there are rarely any winners.

 

Thanks for the inspiration. x

 

Thanks for your positive response and support. It is good to hear from someone in similar circumstances.

 

Can you tell me if you felt the love for the OP for a long time after you made the decision to choose your marriage and family? This sense of grief and love lost is very painful. I am of course aware that it will take time to lessen, but I am fearful the longing will create a distortion in my perspective.

 

Making choices that have other peoples best interests at heart as opposed to just my own doesn't do much to reduce the actual love I feel for him. It gives me an ending, which is part of the necessary steps to moving on from the turmoil. I don't know what to do with the love I feel. I have spent the last 9 months expressing it, living it, being very harrowed by it. Now it is concluded.

 

At the moment, I spend the daytime thinking about it, him and what it was all about. The evenings are filled with family life so I am reminded of why this is the best outcome. But when it is just me, and just my feelings, it is still him. I don't want to have so many intrusive thoughts of him all the time, I am struggling to convert my resolve into a refocus on marital love.

 

My husband is very consumed with work, and content with the apparent return to domestic accord. It is hard trying to get him to understand the enormous hole inside me, he finds my need for greater intimacy and closeness at times a lot of pressure. He is not naturally affectionate but a great friend. Being the energy behind transforming your marriage is an exhausting prospect when the experience of someone loving you physically/emotionally/intellectually in the way you need without needing to be coerced is still such a fresh memory.

[jenkins95]

Hi again Polly

 

Thanks for sharing your further thoughts.

 

Can you tell me if you felt the love for the OP for a long time after you made the decision to choose your marriage and family? This sense of grief and love lost is very painful. I am of course aware that it will take time to lessen, but I am fearful the longing will create a distortion in my perspective.

 

Making choices that have other peoples best interests at heart as opposed to just my own doesn't do much to reduce the actual love I feel for him...

 

Excuse me for being lazy, but I think I answer this in another post I wrote recently that I'd like to draw your attention to: -

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/612604-i-confessed-42.html#post7268085

 

If you have time, please read this post and some of the subsequent posts (some of which are also mine) as I think much of what is said in this thread, and the issues deadsoul is experiencing are relevant to you. Here is one extract from my post: -

 

"I find that my emotions move in cycles. I may have a few bad days, then some 'normal' days, then a stretch of really good days when I feel quite good and allow myself to think that I may be finally past it......then the clouds descend again. In time, the better days outnumber the good days. At over a year past the end of my A, I now have lots of good days and the bad days tend to be bad in a 'good' way, if that makes sense i.e. I am wracked with remorse and self-reflection, as opposed to pining for the AP (I have to admit, I did do this a bit in the early months afterwards)."

 

Having initially hoped I could completely eliminate my xOW from my mind, after a year I have come to a point of acceptance that I will never fully relinquish the feelings I had for her, because it was a relationship with genuine feelings that ended because it had to and not because it had run a natural course. Residual memories and feelings will always now be a part of me, although they will fade more and more with time. With this acceptance comes a certain degree of peace and relief and stops me constantly fighting the demons in my head. This in turn, ironically, largely silences the demons and makes life a whole lot easier. I have also accepted that I COULD still pine for her if I chose to and get stuck on "what could have been" thoughts (and probably could forever more). But I simply choose not to now. I have learned techniques to steer my thoughts of her into a more healthy direction as soon as they enter my head i.e. it was unquestionably the best for everyone to stop the A, her very much included and I wish her nothing but the very best for her future. Again, this attitude brings a certain degree of freedom and relief.

 

In the early days it was difficult to control my thoughts - I would spend whole days with tortuous thoughts. Other days, I would exhaust myself by constantly battling and trying to push all the thoughts away. It gets easier with time! If I have a day when I'm feeling sad now, I allow myself a few minutes to indulge thoughts of the affair...and then quickly get involved in an activity or trail of thought and change my frame of mind.

 

As discussed in that thread I linked above, one can enter reconciliation while still holding feelings for the other person. This may be uncomfortable and, yes, disturbing, to use your excellently chosen word for these situations, but it does not mean that you are not sincere in your reconciliation. You are simply going into it with all the almost inevitable baggage of what you've just been through and one of the major challenges is to deal with that baggage while giving 100% to the marriage and putting the betrayed spouse's needs and hurts before yours (I know this doesn't fit your situation exactly as your H cheated first!)

 

I think you are doing the right thing, it won't be easy, but you will look back 12 months from now and be glad. I truly hope so and cross my fingers for you. Even then you won't be fully recovered, but you will have taken major strides. An often stated sentiment is that it takes 2-5 years to fully move past an affair. For someone well over a year into recovery, this feels about right to me.

 

When we are deeply in love with another, we are blind to certain facts and realities, even when they are obvious to others. Earlier, you posted: -

 

"I decided to face up to the fact that we were on a crash course for disaster."

 

I admire you for this. You are absolutely right here of course, but being in love as you were, it must have taken a gargantuan amount of strength, effort and determination firstly to clarify and accept that in your mind, and secondly to actually take action to do something about it. I truly take my hat off to you.

 

Hang in there - it will get better! I am finding that it doesn't necessarily get better in a completely linear fashion i.e. day 22 may inexplicably be worse than day 21, but the overall movement is in a positive direction i.e. it is very unlikely that day 121 will be worse than day 22! I think you get the idea.

 

Are you taking any kind of counselling? Keep posting anyway, Polly. We are here.

Edited April 6, 2017 by jenkins95

[pollypepper01]

Thanks so much for your help. I truly appreciate it.

 

I'm just going to try and let it all wash over me these next few days. Plot in a few uplifting activities and just try and let it happen. The weekends are full of family time with plenty of evidence as to why this is the right thing to do.

 

Today I have been consumed with loss, thinking whether he is feeling the loss as acutely. I'm not seeking a movie worthy ending, but knowing it mattered is actually really important to me.

[Birdies]

I was in a very similar position. I don't envy you. Trying to reclaim and improve your marriage, while keeping a secret of such enormity from your spouse, while also trying to get over an unrequited (of sorts) love, will be super rough.

 

Ultimately we went the other direction - our marriages ended and we are together. I think I would have ended up in your shoes except 1) DDay blew it all wide open and 2) no kids, so once the truth was out there, there was less incentive to stay - for all four of us. (This sounds matter of fact, but it was extremely difficult for everyone, in particular the spouses, and I have done everything I can to make it easier on my ex and to examine and fix my own issues that led us here )

 

Have you given any thought to being honest with your husband? I know it's a scary thought because it means you will face consequences for your actions, including really hurting him, but most people would agree that he deserves to know.

 

Also, I mean this gently and I know exactly how you feel - but you're not the victim here. Try to think in the bigger picture. If you rationalize and justify this, and see it as some tragic love affair, you're not doing the hard work of digging deep in yourself to figure out how you could stomp all over your marriage vows and almost destroy your family. Which makes the whole process much more likely to happen again. That's another reason why telling your husband is a good idea....you two need to eventually work together to not just sweep your issues under the rug. Right now he has no idea how serious those issues even are or how much his own shady behavior has allowed you to justify your cheating. If you want to actually fix this marriage rather than just avoid a divorce, you need to get to the bottom of all of that. (My former MM's wife had an affair, denied it despite ironclad proof, they rugswept it, and I'm sure that's partly why he could justify our affair to himself... those things don't just go away if you ignore them.)

Edited April 6, 2017 by Birdies

[pollypepper01]

I was in a very similar position. I don't envy you. Trying to reclaim and improve your marriage, while keeping a secret of such enormity from your spouse, while also trying to get over an unrequited (of sorts) love, will be super rough.

 

Ultimately we went the other direction - our marriages ended and we are together. I think I would have ended up in your shoes except 1) DDay blew it all wide open and 2) no kids, so once the truth was out there, there was less incentive to stay - for all four of us. (This sounds matter of fact, but it was extremely difficult for everyone, in particular the spouses, and I have done everything I can to make it easier on my ex and to examine and fix my own issues that led us here )

 

Have you given any thought to being honest with your husband? I know it's a scary thought because it means you will face consequences for your actions, including really hurting him, but most people would agree that he deserves to know.

 

Also, I mean this gently and I know exactly how you feel - but you're not the victim here. Try to think in the bigger picture. If you rationalize and justify this, and see it as some tragic love affair, you're not doing the hard work of digging deep in yourself to figure out how you could stomp all over your marriage vows and almost destroy your family. Which makes the whole process much more likely to happen again. That's another reason why telling your husband is a good idea....you two need to eventually work together to not just sweep your issues under the rug. Right now he has no idea how serious those issues even are or how much his own shady behavior has allowed you to justify your cheating. If you want to actually fix this marriage rather than just avoid a divorce, you need to get to the bottom of all of that. (My former MM's wife had an affair, denied it despite ironclad proof, they rugswept it, and I'm sure that's partly why he could justify our affair to himself... those things don't just go away if you ignore them.)

 

Thank you for sharing. Much of what you say resonates.

 

I didn't use my husbands behaviour to justify my affair, I was so disengaged and I think in a state of shock I didn't feel anything at all. I felt literally like eveything I thought I knew was not what I thought it was. My journey into the affair was almost surreally detached. I clearly made decisions to pursue it but I cannot remember once feeling in my own head about it. Does that even make sense in English?!

 

I have certainly at times elevated my OP to rock star status, and I am then quickly reminded of his normalcy and flaws. The strange thing is he is significantly less physically attractive than my husband, but it was his desire and approval of me that I think on reflection was the aphrodisiac I needed. It doesn't take a psychoanalyst to work out why given what had happened in my marriage.

 

I cannot at this moment in time be honest with my husband. It will end our marriage or at the very least cause a significant level of conflict. My son would not cope with this right now, we live in a new city on our own and he is an only child. When we were arguing a lot with the revelation of what he did and then during my affair it effected my son badly. I intend to tell him when we are on a more even footing. I know he wants the marriage to work at all costs and we have both eluded to straying outside our marriage but not wanting to anymore. He says he doesn't want to know, he wants to focus on us.

 

I know the primary source of my hurt is the loss of what I thought my marriage was. The affair was I suppose a tonic to the feelings of being rejected. But it has just ended with another rejection of sorts. As I said before, the outcome and the experience has only brought me more pain, anger and hurt.

 

Perhaps I have created a tragic love story, in trying to make sense of how I could have possibly sabotaged my own happiness. It feels better to think it mattered. And maybe it did or maybe we were just both stupid idiots who needed a shot of drama to feel better about the reality of our tricky relationships and real life. My instinct is it is somewhere in the middle. We felt love but we weren't niave or sociopathic enough to destroy the happiness of other people in our lives. As I said, our marriages weren't bad enough and we both had strong parenting relationships.

 

But all I really want is a time machine. I would like to know what I know now without having done what I did.

 

Now I need to find a way to refocus on my marriage and move it beyond the comfortable and into a more connected, intimate and fulfilling union.

[DKT3]

Thank you for sharing. Much of what you say resonates.

 

I didn't use my husbands behaviour to justify my affair, I was so disengaged and I think in a state of shock I didn't feel anything at all. I felt literally like eveything I thought I knew was not what I thought it was. My journey into the affair was almost surreally detached. I clearly made decisions to pursue it but I cannot remember once feeling in my own head about it. Does that even make sense in English?!

 

I have certainly at times elevated my OP to rock star status, and I am then quickly reminded of his normalcy and flaws. The strange thing is he is significantly less physically attractive than my husband, but it was his desire and approval of me that I think on reflection was the aphrodisiac I needed. It doesn't take a psychoanalyst to work out why given what had happened in my marriage.

 

I cannot at this moment in time be honest with my husband. It will end our marriage or at the very least cause a significant level of conflict. My son would not cope with this right now, we live in a new city on our own and he is an only child. When we were arguing a lot with the revelation of what he did and then during my affair it effected my son badly. I intend to tell him when we are on a more even footing. I know he wants the marriage to work at all costs and we have both eluded to straying outside our marriage but not wanting to anymore. He says he doesn't want to know, he wants to focus on us.

 

I know the primary source of my hurt is the loss of what I thought my marriage was. The affair was I suppose a tonic to the feelings of being rejected. But it has just ended with another rejection of sorts. As I said before, the outcome and the experience has only brought me more pain, anger and hurt.

 

Perhaps I have created a tragic love story, in trying to make sense of how I could have possibly sabotaged my own happiness. It feels better to think it mattered. And maybe it did or maybe we were just both stupid idiots who needed a shot of drama to feel better about the reality of our tricky relationships and real life. My instinct is it is somewhere in the middle. We felt love but we weren't niave or sociopathic enough to destroy the happiness of other people in our lives. As I said, our marriages weren't bad enough and we both had strong parenting relationships.

 

But all I really want is a time machine. I would like to know what I know now without having done what I did.

 

Now I need to find a way to refocus on my marriage and move it beyond the comfortable and into a more connected, intimate and fulfilling union.

 

You can't build true intimacy on deict and secrets. Doing so if even slightly successful is just a time bomb waiting to bring it all down.

 

You say you've gotten ​the impression that your husband wouldn't want to know, yet say him knowing would end the marriage, I'm wondering if that is more self serving than honest.

 

If you don't mind me asking, how do you honestly see your marriage going in 6 months, one year, 5 years? I ask because your kind of taking the Martyr position, falling on your sword ( giving up your personal happiness) for the happiness of your husband. That mindset makes it impossible to truly engage. Instead it will only create more resentment, especially when times are rough.

 

I've noticed that women, specifically married ones tend to idealize the relationship with the AP. Tend to believe that what is happening inside that affair bubble can translate once the real world gets a finger on it. It's really like using Google translators what comes out has an entirely different meaning, people get hurt, not from the knowledge, but from you having done it.

 

It's refreshing to see a wayward spouse who understands Thier affair has damaged Thier family even without the knowledge. It's damaged it because it changed you, changed your focus, your priorities and your family suffered because of that.

 

I feel encouraged by your story, I think if you can just change your mindset around the intent to stay married you can maybe pull it off, maybe even without confession.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thanks for your positive response and support. It is good to hear from someone in similar circumstances.

 

Can you tell me if you felt the love for the OP for a long time after you made the decision to choose your marriage and family?

 

.

 

There is a lot going on here. To answer your specific question, no, like the snow that fell last winter - my love is long gone. You only feel love now because you are operating under the illusion that you had control in this situation and a voice in whether or not your xmm was going to be with you or not. This was not a mutual decision, you just think it was because you did not ask him to put his actions behind his words. You did not get to feel the humiliation of being dumped; the knowledge that you were used; and the understanding that men cheat to add to their relationship and women cheat to replace their relationship. There are a few exceptions on this site but as a general rule, men do not respect a woman who cheats on her husband and they will always put their wife - their pregnant wife - above her.

 

Because you don't know those experiences, it is harder for you. But realize that you love the version he showed you of himself and the image that you projected onto him from your own mind. You don't really know him at all. How do you know he is reconnecting and working on his marriage? You are not talking to him. I had the pleasure of watching xmm work the next woman right in front of me. That was fun. You met him on a dating site for married people. You cannot believe one word that comes out of a person's mouth in this situation. I would bet he is back on there, or if not, he will be eventually.

 

You need to realize very few men are like Jenkins. Most are using women in this situation. They will say and do anything to get what they want - which is sex and attention. And when it's done, they move on effortlessly because it never meant much to them in the first place. Your question, is he sitting around feeling like this? Doubtful. He probably misses the sex but generally speaking men feel relief when it is over. They liked the fun but all good things must come to an end and they are happy to return to their worlds, and be a husband and daddy again. And if they really were unhappy, which does happen, they go and get a divorce.

 

So it will be harder for you but you also are spared the pain that most of us go through. Unfortunately because you don't know that pain, you will do it again - unless you completely rip apart your marriage and rebuild it from scratch. Your old one did not work. Your husband had a porn addiction. He cheated on you. You barely had sex. These are major issues and you don't have to be a martyr and stay in a marriage with these issues present. You need to tell him everything. I honestly don't know why you are not telling him. He is hardly in a position to judge you. You need to know if the reason he is doing these things is because of something lacking in the marriage or something lacking in himself. You can fix the former; the latter, not so easily.

 

Once you tell him, one of two things will happen. Your marriage will end and you can go on to find yourself and meet someone new, and you will forget about xmm. Or - you and your husband will work and fix your marriage, and you will forget about xmm, since you will realize that it was never real and he is not the good guy you think he is. In either situation, you will forget about xmm and you will live an authentic life, which should be your goal.

 

If you do not tell him, nothing will change, you will get back with xmm, or someone new, or maybe you stay alone, in love with a memory, a ghost for years. I think that sounds worse.

[minimariah]

honey, why do you keep insisting on beating the dead horse? i understand that, at this point, you can't afford to go through a divorce but don't you think it would have been a good idea to have an exit (back up) plan? when does one accept the defeat?

 

about your OM - he was spending his time on adultery site while he had a pregnant wife at home. that is a FACT & you take from that fact whatever you want.

Edited April 6, 2017 by minimariah