Told his wife...

[BTDT2012]

This last time he left her again and contacted me, we have been seeing each other about 4 months and talking everyday. He told me he loves me and this time we will be together. His wife was unaware we were back in contact. Then out of nowhere he told me that they have decided to try again and he wants to be with his wife and I am to never tell her we've been seeing each other again. I was so angry at him that I wanted to ruin it so I told her.

 

Was he seeing you openly during this time period? Or were you still his secret? Was there separation initiated by him, or by his wife?

 

I would suggest that you work on you. Ask yourself why you accepted this? Otherwise you will be right back in the same cycle.

[sandylee1]

Wise words from the @whoknew30

 

There comes a time one must accept responsibility for the pain they're suffering. This is one of those times.

[Spring23]

Everyone makes mistakes & bad choices in life...the only thing that matters is what you learn from it. You continue to make bad choices & never learn & blame others. Your life won't ever improve...you are the only one with the power over your own life, no one else.

 

This is an excellent point. OP ask yourself "What have I learned?"

 

Also, OP is this REALLY how you'd like to live your life? Waiting for this dude to become your savior and dedicate the rest of his life to your happiness?

 

You'll be waiting forever. You'll grow old, you'll grow really angry and you will have a lifetime of yucky memories. Seriously? What will you paste in your scrapbook? "Oh look, here's a picture of me waiting for his text..."

[stillafool]

You did the right thing by telling her because she needs to know the truth. Unfortunately for you you put her in the position to be chased by him to get her back.

[whichwayisup]

COCORICO it was a condition of last time he never see me again, signed in a post nup kind of agreement. They hadn't been doing well prior to me seeing him, hence the separation and I do believe this will be the final straw.

 

You have no idea what she'll do. She might want to save their marriage for the sake of their kids. Give him yet another chance. IF that happens it's their business and you shouldn't judge her or assume she's done. Look at yourself, so many Ddays and you keep hanging onto him in hopes he'll be yours someday. It hasn't happened and it won't happen.

 

Stop trying to punish him and make him suffer consequences. It's not up to you to decide that. Worry about yourself, your own life and how you're going to grieve, let go and heal. If they choose to stay together will you continue on trying to get him back?

 

You're a willing participant in this affair, not a victim. You've chosen to continue to believe a MM who has lied and mislead you over and over again. You have NO obligation to him, whereas his wife IS obligated to him and may take her marriage vows more seriously than he has.

[BaileyB]

There comes a time one must accept responsibility for the pain they're suffering. This is one of those times.

 

Wise words, indeed.

 

One of two things will happen... She will leave him and he will chase her to get her back. Or, he will come back to you.

 

If that's what you want, be forwarned because as many on this site will wisely say, the position of "woman on the side" will be open and you may well find yourself in the same position his wife has found herself for all these years.

 

To be honest, the reason why either you or his wife would ever want to take this dishonest, cheating, and indecisive man back is totally beyond me... Surely, there are better men out there who would offer their love and be honest, loyal, and respectful.

[HeartbrokenDec29]

I hate that I feel like I do t want them to be happy, I don't though. I know rationally she doesn't deserve this but for him to "fix" his marriage and be happy makes me sick. I feel so alone and I want him to feel like I do

It shall be well with you always. You hit the nail on the head as best and polite as you can. I appreciate this response

[HeartbrokenDec29]

Sometimes it is best to realise that no matter how much WE love a person they may not actually love us back, not in the way we want them to anyway.

 

YOUR MM is stuck between the two of you. Neither of you is what he really wants, neither of you is the whole package for him, so he needs the two of you.

That is why when pressured to choose only his wife, he fails and starts up with you again. It is not because he is so besotted with you, it is because he needs you to fill in the gaps his wife cannot fill.

He could leave his wife tomorrow and he would need someone else pretty quick, as you are not the whole package for him. He may even make his wife the OW if she was willing to do that (not unheard of).

 

If he thought you were the whole package, he would have left his wife and never looked back, but that is not the way it is.

 

It is very common for the OW after being "the good little OW" for years, to start shaking things up. YOU are not content to wait in the wings any longer and you want the starring role, but that is not I guess how he sees things panning out. He is happy being "da man" with two lovestruck women at his beck and call. He has a wife and an OW and that is the way he likes it. He tells his wife what she wants to hear and he tells his OW what she wants to hear and all is hunky dory.

 

He wants you to get back into your OW box, hence why he is livid with you for speaking to his wife.

If he really loved you, he would have been relieved it was out in the open and he would have packed his bags and turned up on your doorstep, but that didn't happen did it? That will only happen if SHE turfs him out and that isn't quite the same.

 

He will "punish" you until you are desperate and then he will be able to sweet talk you into being the OW again as you do not want to lose him, OR he will discount you and actively look for another OW, a more compliant one. OR both maybe.

 

Time to reassess the situation.

What are you actually doing with your life?

It shall be well with you always. You hit the nail on the head as best and polite as you can. I appreciate this response

[caringsister]

It always baffles me how women can cheat with another womans man and then cry that she got hurt. Pain is what you sign up for when you play in someone elses backyard.

 

You have no-one to blame, but yourself... He only did what you allowed. The one I feel sorry for is the betrayed wife.

[HeartbrokenDec29]

Sandylee1 sorry for not being clear, he left her about 4 to 5 months ago and moved into his own place. He contacted me after he was in his own place.

 

I'm just so angry with him, I feel so ashamed I have let myself be used like this and been so desperate for him.

 

I hope I remain strong and don't go back again now they are no doubt over. She won't take him back I'm 99% sure of that. She's as done as I am!

I do not think counting on her to leave him is the best policy.The truth is do you reall want to be in a relationship with someone like this even if she left him..

 

Dont bother..Just find a way to move on.. Months down the line, you will respect yourself for doing so.

[Jazziex]

DKT3 no my divorce was years before I even met MM, nothing to do with the current situation. It was due to marrying way too young, stress of young children and not being compatible. We are very good friends, live close by and parent well together.

 

No we have not been seeing each other openly during their separation, they were deciding on whether to work in it again or to be apart.

 

MM called last night wanting me to come over to talk it out and he apologised for yelling at me and being so angry. I spoke to him for a short time, but strangely I actually just feel done with it all. I didn't even feel a great pull to see him, just disgust.

 

I do want to move on and I don't want to be with him.

[HeartbrokenDec29]

It's not like you lied. All you did was tell the truth.

 

If she does leave him for good, be prepared for him to come back to you.

 

And be prepared that if you stay with him, you will be in his wife's shoes someday.

Absolutely correct!!

[Spring23]

If that's what you want, be forwarned because as many on this site will wisely say, the position of "woman on the side" will be open and you may well find yourself in the same position his wife has found herself for all these years.

 

 

True enough. Why would he settle for one doormat when he can have two to wipe his feet on.

 

Also, OP you'll get older but there will always be younger women out there for him to choose from. And he will.

[Spring23]

It always baffles me how women can cheat with another womans man and then cry that she got hurt. Pain is what you sign up for when you play in someone elses backyard.

 

You have no-one to blame, but yourself... He only did what you allowed. The one I feel sorry for is the betrayed wife.

 

I think the OP is aware of this and is sort of brave to post her story. She isn't painting a wonderful picture of herself and that's refreshing.

 

Some men are very charming. The key is to learn how they do the charming so they can't use it against you.

[BaileyB]

MM called last night wanting me to come over to talk it out and he apologised for yelling at me and being so angry. I spoke to him for a short time, but strangely I actually just feel done with it all. I didn't even feel a great pull to see him, just disgust.

 

I do want to move on and I don't want to be with him.

 

I really hope you do move on. This man sounds like he can't make a decision to save his life... I fear that he is trying to keep the lines of communication open so that you will stay on the hook and he can come back to you if it doesn't work out... Or worse than that, continue to go back and forth, back and forth...

 

Both you, and your children, deserve better. You deserve a man in your life who loves you and chooses you, above all others. This man, is not that kind of man...

[Birdies]

It always baffles me how women can cheat with another womans man and then cry that she got hurt. Pain is what you sign up for when you play in someone elses backyard.

 

You have no-one to blame, but yourself... He only did what you allowed. The one I feel sorry for is the betrayed wife.

 

Be careful up on that high horse, it's a long way down when you fall off. Not sure why people come into a forum for other men/women when they have nothing insightful to add.

 

OP - block him and try to move on. That's the fastest way to getting over him. And frankly after that many Ddays and indecision - he sounds like a spineless weenie! You can do better.

[caringsister]

Be careful up on that high horse, it's a long way down when you fall off. Not sure why people come into a forum for other men/women when they have nothing insightful to add.

 

OP - block him and try to move on. That's the fastest way to getting over him. And frankly after that many Ddays and indecision - he sounds like a spineless weenie! You can do better.

 

No high horse here... It truly does baffle me. I honestly can't see any thing past pain for those who get involved in these types of relationships.

[caringsister]

You deserve a man in your life who loves you and chooses you, above all others. This man, is not that kind of man...

 

Yeah, just ask his wife

[OWAmy]

@caringsister. It always truly baffles me why people who have never been part of an affair whether they be MM, BW, OW try to give advice on threads such as this. Only when you have been part of an affair or being affected by one (or have extensive professional experience) can you ever have anything valuable to add.

[caringsister]

@caringsister. It always truly baffles me why people who have never been part of an affair whether they be MM, BW, OW try to give advice on threads such as this. Only when you have been part of an affair or being affected by one (or have extensive professional experience) can you ever have anything valuable to add.

 

Pls don't assume my life hasn't been affected by an affair. I didn't give advise. I stated my opinion.

[HeartbrokenDec29]

It always baffles me how women can cheat with another womans man and then cry that she got hurt. Pain is what you sign up for when you play in someone elses backyard.

 

You have no-one to blame, but yourself... He only did what you allowed. The one I feel sorry for is the betrayed wife.

I think the people who come up here are looking for some way to heal, move on or to figure out what they need to do. No one is needs your blame game and all these negativity.

 

The least you can do is cheer her towards the right direction. Dont you think she might feel bad already? Common!

[HeartbrokenDec29]

Pls don't assume my life hasn't been affected by an affair. I didn't give advise. I stated my opinion.

No one needs your selfrighteous Opinions. If you cant encourage someone who is in need of support to end a relationship not good for her then dont get judgemental here. She has made the mistakes already and all that is needed is to help bring her to the place she deserves whch is in healthy relationships.

 

I dont understand people who judge and judge like they havent wronged anyone in their lives. I refer to the essence of this forum above with specific emphais on "support" which i believe is a positive word

[Kat Keller]

It always baffles me how women can cheat with another womans man and then cry that she got hurt. Pain is what you sign up for when you play in someone elses backyard.

 

You have no-one to blame, but yourself... He only did what you allowed. The one I feel sorry for is the betrayed wife.

 

 

While I agree with you that affairs do open the door for the very high possibility of pain/hurt...the fact remains that circumstances vary and not every affair situation is cookie cutter. So generalizing every situation and every person involved in one as if you know for sure is conjecture at best.

 

 

Regardless of the morality issues involved in a situation, feelings are feelings. And to suggest that because someone may be in the moral wrong (in your opinion) that they can't express feelings about what has happened is rather absurd.

 

 

People are people. It's normative to express feelings whether in the right or wrong. What baffles me is why someone who actually put some thought into it would not comprehend that regardless of the situation.

[Quiet Storms]

While I agree with you that affairs do open the door for the very high possibility of pain/hurt...the fact remains that circumstances vary and not every affair situation is cookie cutter. So generalizing every situation and every person involved in one as if you know for sure is conjecture at best.

 

Well, speaking in terms of statistics, most of them eventually fit the cookie-cutter mold. If not now, then later. Speaking of your own situation (which I read in another thread), how long do you really think that kind of thing is going to last?

 

It's not really "conjecture at best". In my career, they teach us that if we hear hoofbeats to think horses, not zebras. Kind of the same thing with affairs. It's probably going to end in a lot of hurt rather than happily-ever-after, something to think about before ever getting involved. And yes, hindsight is 20/20.

[Kat Keller]

Well, speaking in terms of statistics, most of them eventually fit the cookie-cutter mold. If not now, then later. Speaking of your own situation (which I read in another thread), how long do you really think that kind of thing is going to last?

 

It's not really "conjecture at best". In my career, they teach us that if we hear hoofbeats to think horses, not zebras. Kind of the same thing with affairs. It's probably going to end in a lot of hurt rather than happily-ever-after, something to think about before ever getting involved. And yes, hindsight is 20/20.

 

One cannot always surmise how EVERY scenario will end so leaving SOME room for another alternative is wise... Now, that doesn't mean ignore reality though. So nothing you are suggesting here is any revelation at least not to me.

 

 

As far as my situation... my thread is open for commentary and questions as this thread belongs to someone else. So I won't be answering your question here.

 

 

I'm fully aware of the stats regarding affairs which you know because like you said, you read my post about my situation.