I think I am a dating mess. [Updated!]

[basil67]

There's nothing in this post to indicate that he thought of you as anything more than a FWB. Before sleeping with him, did you discuss what he was looking for?

 

If you don't want to be put in this situation (and I fully support you not wanting to be in this position) you MUST talk about this stuff before you have sex.

[MajesticUnicorn]

There's nothing in this post to indicate that he thought of you as anything more than a FWB. Before sleeping with him, did you discuss what he was looking for?

 

If you don't want to be put in this situation (and I fully support you not wanting to be in this position) you MUST talk about this stuff before you have sex.

 

We never really had a discussion about what either of us were looking for. I was lead to believe that he was interested in something more, as our conversations were pretty in depth. I had not had a guy (since my ex) show so much interest in getting to know me and putting forth so much effort. We even talked about past relationships and he asked me why/how I am still single. For a while he was constantly texting me, showing all the signs of being interested in me (or so I thought).

 

And then of course to me the fact that he traveled to come visit me lead me to believe he was actually interested. Idk, to me if I am going to have a FWB, I would want someone in my area, not someone I have to make a long commute to just to get laid.

 

I guess I learned my lesson. Honestly, I have never been bothered by hook-ups as long as I go into it knowing that is all it is. But I am trying to leave that phase of my life and looking for something more serious, so I suppose I need to do something different to make it clear I am not interested in FWB/hook-ups.

[Simple Logic]

Seems to me you jumped in the sack with him way too soon. One has to assume you did that because you wanted to have sex with him.

[MajesticUnicorn]

Seems to me you jumped in the sack with him way too soon. One has to assume you did that because you wanted to have sex with him.

 

I mean I wouldn't have had sex with him if I didn't want to? However I did so under the impression that he was genuinely interested in me.

[TheParadox7]

I leave and never go back to the person who was using me.

[OpenBook]

It sucks. Part of me is sad because I had been developing an emotional attachment, and I genuinely thought he was interested in me. I am so disappointed, but more than that I just feel like absolute **** about myself. I've never had a man make me feel like the only thing I am good for is sex. My confidence is completely shot.

 

Has anyone else experienced this? Any advice for getting over this?

 

First of all, let's remember who the real @sshole is here - HIM, not you.

 

Second of all, I can totally see why you would assume he was interested in something more than just a casual lay, in spite of his wishy-washiness. He was connected to your trusted posse; he traveled a long distance to see you; he said some sweet words to you. Many many MANY of us out here have been fooled before too... you're definitely not the only one.

 

Third of all - what have you really lost exactly? Nothing that you didn't already have before. You simply made a misjudgment. He was darn lucky to get with you, yes. But that's the last piece of luck he'll get out of you. You're BUSY.

 

Just love yourself, do activities you love that bring you back to yourself, and resolve to do better with the next guy that comes down the pike. Like, pay more attention to your gut (like when his wishy-washiness annoyed you)... wait to sleep with a guy for awhile longer, even if you really REALLY want to - it's unfortunately the only way to weed out the flakes. And remember that guys fall in love faster than us chickas - and they also fall OUT of love faster. Another great reason for waiting.

 

Another positive - count your blessings - thank goodness he doesn't live nearby. Can you imagine the nightmare if he worked in the same place or went to the same school??

 

This too shall pass. Don't let this bad experience define you. You're so much more than it is.

[MajesticUnicorn]

Well, the post title kind of explains it all. For those of you who haven't read my previous posts, I'll give you a short recap:

 

Met a guy on my birthday, who happened to be my best friend's cousin. We all had a great (albeit drunk) time together and exchanged numbers. Problem is he lives about 45mins-hr away. Not ideal, but I am someone who is normally quite busy during the week anyway. We were texting/snapping everyday, facetiming, etc. He came back to visit me one weekend, we had an amazing time, but afterwards communication started to lull. Then it picked back up again, and he asked me to come visit him, so I did. We had a great time one night, the day he seemed a bit off/distance. We ended up sleeping together that weekend, and he was pretty rude to me afterwards (quickly got up and got dressed, playing on his phone instead of talking to me, etc.) I know, I know, this is when I should have cut all ties. I even posted a thread about how I felt as if he just used me for sex. And I did start to distance myself from him, never made first contact, didn't respond to him for quite some time, but he was persistent about it and eventually I gave in and communication started up again. After a few glasses of wine one night I asked if he wanted to go to a hockey game together as we are both huge fans of the same NHL team, and of course he agreed. We went, and had an amazing time, he was really kind to me and acting the way he was at the very beginning of us talking. He really wanted to take a picture together and asked me to send them to him, he really made me feel as if he was genuinely interested in me. And once again, communication has slowed down, yet I find myself attached to him even though I KNOW I deserve better. He didn't snap me back yesterday so I sent him a follow up one saying ruuuude, and he responded with a pic of him watching hockey saying he was "so busy." Then he said goodnight, I said goodnight stranger (I was feeling sassy) and he said I'm not a stranger and I didn't respond.

 

I know the best thing for me to do is to cut contact. It's hard because as I have expressed on previous threads he has done so much to make me feel as if he is genuinely interested in me, yet he is so wishy-washy. He was the first person in a long time I have felt really excited about, so I think that is part of the problem. I started romanticizing it early on and got too attached too early. I have been called out for maybe having sex with him too early on, and I guess that is a good point. But at the time it felt right, so I don't regret doing it, but I do know that has something to do with why I feel so emotionally attached to him.

 

Here are the questions/thoughts I have:

-How do I learn to stop tolerating being treated poorly? He isn't the first guy who has taken advantage of me. I am generally a very optimistic person who tries to see the good in others and give them the benefit of doubt, but it seems to be happening to a fault.

-Should I completely cut him out of my life?

-How can I prevent myself from getting emotionally attached so early on?

 

I have tried to keep my guard up, kept dating around but Tinder/Bumble in my town is meh and I haven't found anyone else that I have felt a connection with. Maybe I should just take a break from dating for a while?

[Dtrain2EtOWN]

Well, the post title kind of explains it all. For those of you who haven't read my previous posts, I'll give you a short recap:

 

Met a guy on my birthday, who happened to be my best friend's cousin. We all had a great (albeit drunk) time together and exchanged numbers. Problem is he lives about 45mins-hr away. Not ideal, but I am someone who is normally quite busy during the week anyway. We were texting/snapping everyday, facetiming, etc. He came back to visit me one weekend, we had an amazing time, but afterwards communication started to lull. Then it picked back up again, and he asked me to come visit him, so I did. We had a great time one night, the day he seemed a bit off/distance. We ended up sleeping together that weekend, and he was pretty rude to me afterwards (quickly got up and got dressed, playing on his phone instead of talking to me, etc.) I know, I know, this is when I should have cut all ties. I even posted a thread about how I felt as if he just used me for sex. And I did start to distance myself from him, never made first contact, didn't respond to him for quite some time, but he was persistent about it and eventually I gave in and communication started up again. After a few glasses of wine one night I asked if he wanted to go to a hockey game together as we are both huge fans of the same NHL team, and of course he agreed. We went, and had an amazing time, he was really kind to me and acting the way he was at the very beginning of us talking. He really wanted to take a picture together and asked me to send them to him, he really made me feel as if he was genuinely interested in me. And once again, communication has slowed down, yet I find myself attached to him even though I KNOW I deserve better. He didn't snap me back yesterday so I sent him a follow up one saying ruuuude, and he responded with a pic of him watching hockey saying he was "so busy." Then he said goodnight, I said goodnight stranger (I was feeling sassy) and he said I'm not a stranger and I didn't respond.

 

I know the best thing for me to do is to cut contact. It's hard because as I have expressed on previous threads he has done so much to make me feel as if he is genuinely interested in me, yet he is so wishy-washy. He was the first person in a long time I have felt really excited about, so I think that is part of the problem. I started romanticizing it early on and got too attached too early. I have been called out for maybe having sex with him too early on, and I guess that is a good point. But at the time it felt right, so I don't regret doing it, but I do know that has something to do with why I feel so emotionally attached to him.

 

Here are the questions/thoughts I have:

-How do I learn to stop tolerating being treated poorly? He isn't the first guy who has taken advantage of me. I am generally a very optimistic person who tries to see the good in others and give them the benefit of doubt, but it seems to be happening to a fault.

-Should I completely cut him out of my life?

-How can I prevent myself from getting emotionally attached so early on?

 

I have tried to keep my guard up, kept dating around but Tinder/Bumble in my town is meh and I haven't found anyone else that I have felt a connection with. Maybe I should just take a break from dating for a while?

 

The answer is very simple but in my experience impossible to understand until you get it completely. Ultimately you assume a role that is comfortable to you even if it is self defeating. Anyone will take from you without giving in return IF YOU LET THEM. If you feel like the person does things differently than you would do and that what they do makes you feel unimportant that is because you are. Read about reciprocity in relationships. I heard all the time from the very person who served as the basic template from which I defined love and this person didn't love me. Actions speak louder than words. When it clicked it clicked and I saw a web of people in my life who took and whose actions were not aligned with their words. The words were all I had and so they meant everything. So I am starting over and you can too.

[preraph]

I think the problem may be he simply isn't really looking for a committed type relationship or one with any pressure. If he's young, I know I'm right. If he's older, it could be more grim. Probably he's flirting with or dating other women too.

 

You do need to not let you putting up with stuff erode his respect for you. I mean people know when they're treating you crappy. So my best advice to keep your head above water in general and to keep him not just taking you for granted is for you to stay busy (sometimes even on weekends) doing other things, seeing other people, dating other people if possible. Do not elaborate, but when he decides it's booty call time, hopefully you will have ramped up your social schedule enough to where you will sometimes say "Oh, I'd love to, but I already have plans." Again, just be vague. No further explanation such as "just going out with girlfriends" or "seeing a guy." Do not get into any of that. Just get busy and keep your social life going so not only do you not just get too focused on this guy but he realizes you often have better things to do than him.

[MajesticUnicorn]

The answer is very simple but in my experience impossible to understand until you get it completely. Ultimately you assume a role that is comfortable to you even if it is self defeating. Anyone will take from you without giving in return IF YOU LET THEM. If you feel like the person does things differently than you would do and that what they do makes you feel unimportant that is because you are. Read about reciprocity in relationships. I heard all the time from the very person who served as the basic template from which I defined love and this person didn't love me. Actions speak louder than words. When it clicked it clicked and I saw a web of people in my life who took and whose actions were not aligned with their words. The words were all I had and so they meant everything. So I am starting over and you can too.

 

You are so right.

 

I know I am being treated poorly. I know I deserve better. Every part of me says, why are you settling, why are you accepting this treatment, why are you okay with just being someone's FWB or just another one of their options?

 

I have been doing a little Googling since I posted this to find some relevant advice and articles about dealing with this type of wishy-washiness, and everything I've read hits the nail right on the head. One thing I read that I loved is: words may lie, but actions don't.

 

I am going to look into relationship reciprocity. Though I think you are right, it's just going to have to "click," for me. I have always said I would never settle for anything less than I deserve, yet I do it time and time again.

 

I think the problem may be he simply isn't really looking for a committed type relationship or one with any pressure. If he's young, I know I'm right. If he's older, it could be more grim. Probably he's flirting with or dating other women too.

 

You do need to not let you putting up with stuff erode his respect for you. I mean people know when they're treating you crappy. So my best advice to keep your head above water in general and to keep him not just taking you for granted is for you to stay busy (sometimes even on weekends) doing other things, seeing other people, dating other people if possible. Do not elaborate, but when he decides it's booty call time, hopefully you will have ramped up your social schedule enough to where you will sometimes say "Oh, I'd love to, but I already have plans." Again, just be vague. No further explanation such as "just going out with girlfriends" or "seeing a guy." Do not get into any of that. Just get busy and keep your social life going so not only do you not just get too focused on this guy but he realizes you often have better things to do than him.

 

Well, you are right. We are both 22, so I guess it would make perfect sense. Generally, I tread carefully when approaching new relationships, especially with guys my age because I know most of them are just looking for FWB or whatever. It's hard because with this guy, early on there was a lot of talk about a relationship and getting to know each other - our shared values, why we were both single, etc. Lead me to believe that he was into something more, but now I know he's not.

 

I am going to take your advice and do whatever I can to stay busy. I mean it shouldn't be THAT hard. I work full time, go to the gym most days, meet friends at least once a week and go out on the town most weekends. You would think that would be enough to keep my mind off of him, yet unfortunately that hasn't been the case. In the moments of quiet I find myself thinking about him, wishing he would reach out, and ending up disappointed. I tell myself I am done with him, I distance myself, but then it's like clockwork he knows exactly what to do to reel me back in.

 

What sucks is he is one of many guys I have had this type of experience with. I don't know if it's just my age group, or if it's something in the way I am acting/come off to people.

 

I know I'm young and have time. For the most part I have been happily single, but there are times I just get so lonely and see my friends and coworkers all in happy relationships, and I can't help but want the same.

[William]

OK, moderator ~T merged three threads on a similar topic so let's keep this topic confined to one thread. If the title needs updating, pound the 'alert us' button on the starting post and let moderation know and we'll fix it up. Thanks!

[preraph]

You are so right.

 

I know I am being treated poorly. I know I deserve better. Every part of me says, why are you settling, why are you accepting this treatment, why are you okay with just being someone's FWB or just another one of their options?

 

I have been doing a little Googling since I posted this to find some relevant advice and articles about dealing with this type of wishy-washiness, and everything I've read hits the nail right on the head. One thing I read that I loved is: words may lie, but actions don't.

 

I am going to look into relationship reciprocity. Though I think you are right, it's just going to have to "click," for me. I have always said I would never settle for anything less than I deserve, yet I do it time and time again.

 

 

you are right. We are both 22, so I guess it would make perfect sense. Generally, I tread carefully when approaching new relationships, especially with guys my age because I know most of them are just looking for FWB or whatever. It's hard because with this guy, early on there was a lot of talk about a relationship and getting to know each other - our shared values, why we were both single, etc. Lead me to believe that he was into something more, but now I know he's not.

 

I am going to take your advice and do whatever I can to stay busy. I mean it shouldn't be THAT hard. I work full time, go to the gym most days, meet friends at least once a week and go out on the town most weekends. You would think that would be enough to keep my mind off of him, yet unfortunately that hasn't been the case. In the moments of quiet I find myself thinking about him, wishing he would reach out, and ending up disappointed. I tell myself I am done with him, I distance myself, but then it's like clockwork he knows exactly what to do to reel me back in.

 

What sucks is he is one of many guys I have had this type of experience with. I don't know if it's just my age group, or if it's something in the way I am acting/come off to people.

 

I know I'm young and have time. For the most part I have been happily single, but there are times I just get so lonely and see my friends and coworkers all in happy relationships, and I can't help but want the same.

 

 

It is a whole lot about your age group. People, especially men, who can't get pregnant, are just out there wanting to explore and experiment, gain sexual experience and see how many women they can nail. I mean, there are some who want an actual girlfriend, but probably it's the minority at that age. They settle down some, some of them, in a few years and may start looking for a wife after 30, but then it may be a younger one your age they're looking for. It sucks. And I know at your age, a 30 year old guy seemed like grandpa to me, so I don't know how they find them, but a few of them do or die trying.

[OatsAndHall]

1. I strongly suggest that people avoid text messaging as their primary form of communication.. It's impersonal and there are too many things that can be read into. The message was too short, the message was too long, there wasn't enough time between responses, there was too much time... The list goes on and on. Texting back and forth is acceptable but make Facetime, Skype or (GASP!) an actual phone conversation the backbone of your communication. Those are deeper, more meaningful forms of communication as they require both parties to commit time to one another.

 

2. You're young so drinking is a fun part of life right now. However, I would back off on it when it comes to your romantic life. The majority of your conundrums appear to pop up when you've been drinking. Here are my rules on drinking and dating. First, I may meet someone after having a few drinks but I don't engage with them too much physically. I'll get their number, set up a date, chat, etc..etc.. But nothing more than that. I have a two drink maximum set when I am on a date with someone I don't know well. I don't want the alcohol to skew my judgment. Finally, I NEVER sleep with someone I haven't been dating for awhile if I have tied one on..

 

3. Confront someone, face to face or over the phone if they're rude to you. Don't have heavy conversations via text messages. It's counter productive as there is no tone.

[Dtrain2EtOWN]

You are so right.

 

I know I am being treated poorly. I know I deserve better. Every part of me says, why are you settling, why are you accepting this treatment, why are you okay with just being someone's FWB or just another one of their options?

 

I have been doing a little Googling since I posted this to find some relevant advice and articles about dealing with this type of wishy-washiness, and everything I've read hits the nail right on the head. One thing I read that I loved is: words may lie, but actions don't.

 

I am going to look into relationship reciprocity. Though I think you are right, it's just going to have to "click," for me. I have always said I would never settle for anything less than I deserve, yet I do it time and time again.

 

 

 

Well, you are right. We are both 22, so I guess it would make perfect sense. Generally, I tread carefully when approaching new relationships, especially with guys my age because I know most of them are just looking for FWB or whatever. It's hard because with this guy, early on there was a lot of talk about a relationship and getting to know each other - our shared values, why we were both single, etc. Lead me to believe that he was into something more, but now I know he's not.

 

I am going to take your advice and do whatever I can to stay busy. I mean it shouldn't be THAT hard. I work full time, go to the gym most days, meet friends at least once a week and go out on the town most weekends. You would think that would be enough to keep my mind off of him, yet unfortunately that hasn't been the case. In the moments of quiet I find myself thinking about him, wishing he would reach out, and ending up disappointed. I tell myself I am done with him, I distance myself, but then it's like clockwork he knows exactly what to do to reel me back in.

 

What sucks is he is one of many guys I have had this type of experience with. I don't know if it's just my age group, or if it's something in the way I am acting/come off to people.

 

I know I'm young and have time. For the most part I have been happily single, but there are times I just get so lonely and see my friends and coworkers all in happy relationships, and I can't help but want the same.

 

 

Your best defense in these adventures is a male bestie. Finding one is about as easy as finding true love. Plan B is to hit up a random dude who is not invested nor someone you are likely to see again. Be resourceful. For example you come across a seemingly socially competent guy who is puzzled by something in a woman's area of expertise. End his mystery and when he is beaming with gratitude and relief tell him it was your pleasure followed by "if you wouldn't mind..." If he receptive without reservation proceed with just the facts, that is, the behavior. He will translate with both kindness and certainty. Unless you lead him to lie by expressing your hopes and dreams. If the answer is what you want to hear best to get a second opinion from another random. The bestie is unrelenting even if you cry. My bestie would tell you this guy is good for sex only and if that is all you need than proceed. Otherwise block and move on.

[TheTraveler]

He didn't snap me back yesterday so I sent him a follow up one saying ruuuude, and he responded with a pic of him watching hockey saying he was "so busy." Then he said goodnight, I said goodnight stranger (I was feeling sassy) and he said I'm not a stranger and I didn't respond.

 

Curious, what kind of snap did you send? Not all direct snaps need a reply.

 

To add that entire exchange above wasn't sassy at all...

[MajesticUnicorn]

It is a whole lot about your age group. People, especially men, who can't get pregnant, are just out there wanting to explore and experiment, gain sexual experience and see how many women they can nail. I mean, there are some who want an actual girlfriend, but probably it's the minority at that age. They settle down some, some of them, in a few years and may start looking for a wife after 30, but then it may be a younger one your age they're looking for. It sucks. And I know at your age, a 30 year old guy seemed like grandpa to me, so I don't know how they find them, but a few of them do or die trying.

 

That does make sense and I KNOW you are right. I guess I always just think once a guy finishes up college he's done partying and sleeping around all the time and interested in something more. It's just I see the guys my friend's or old classmates are dating who are a bit more mature and interested in long term relationships, and I think, where did they find these guys and where can I get one?

 

I honestly think I need to start setting boundaries and learn from the get-go what a guy is looking for before I pursue him. It's just trying to figure out the best way to do that, I guess I feel like it's strange for me to flat out ask a guy but maybe that's where I am going wrong.

 

I think I have these high expectations that every guy I meet wants a relationship because one of my strongest and most serious relationships was in college with a guy who was 21.

 

1. I strongly suggest that people avoid text messaging as their primary form of communication.. It's impersonal and there are too many things that can be read into. The message was too short, the message was too long, there wasn't enough time between responses, there was too much time... The list goes on and on. Texting back and forth is acceptable but make Facetime, Skype or (GASP!) an actual phone conversation the backbone of your communication. Those are deeper, more meaningful forms of communication as they require both parties to commit time to one another.

 

2. You're young so drinking is a fun part of life right now. However, I would back off on it when it comes to your romantic life. The majority of your conundrums appear to pop up when you've been drinking. Here are my rules on drinking and dating. First, I may meet someone after having a few drinks but I don't engage with them too much physically. I'll get their number, set up a date, chat, etc..etc.. But nothing more than that. I have a two drink maximum set when I am on a date with someone I don't know well. I don't want the alcohol to skew my judgment. Finally, I NEVER sleep with someone I haven't been dating for awhile if I have tied one on..

 

3. Confront someone, face to face or over the phone if they're rude to you. Don't have heavy conversations via text messages. It's counter productive as there is no tone.

 

Thank you for your advice, I am definitely going to try to start implementing these things in the future.

 

I am definitely a person that prefers a FaceTime call or meeting in person over texting. After all, there's only so much you can text a person before conversation dying out and there's so much room for miscommunications and of course I overanalyze every little detail. It has been one of my resolutions to myself to put my phone down more and engage in the people I'm with, so I do think I need to continue to work towards this.

 

As for the drinking, I KNOW you are right. I think the reason it has become such a part of my dating life is because that's where I'm meeting guys mostly, out at the bars, or if I'm meeting them online they are wanting to meet up for drinks. But it is when alcohol is clouding my judgment that I tend to make a lot of mistakes in regards to my love life.

 

And then the third thing, see I don't even know if I should bother confronting this guy or just distance myself without bringing it up.

 

Your best defense in these adventures is a male bestie. Finding one is about as easy as finding true love. Plan B is to hit up a random dude who is not invested nor someone you are likely to see again. Be resourceful. For example you come across a seemingly socially competent guy who is puzzled by something in a woman's area of expertise. End his mystery and when he is beaming with gratitude and relief tell him it was your pleasure followed by "if you wouldn't mind..." If he receptive without reservation proceed with just the facts, that is, the behavior. He will translate with both kindness and certainty. Unless you lead him to lie by expressing your hopes and dreams. If the answer is what you want to hear best to get a second opinion from another random. The bestie is unrelenting even if you cry. My bestie would tell you this guy is good for sex only and if that is all you need than proceed. Otherwise block and move on.

 

I wish I had a male bestie honestly. Unfortunately most of the guys I have tried to befriend there always seems to be feelings that develop on one side or another. Of course I have my older brother but I don't really like to talk to him about this stuff.

 

Curious, what kind of snap did you send? Not all direct snaps need a reply.

 

To add that entire exchange above wasn't sassy at all...

 

Honestly I can't remember the exact context, I was out at dinner with friends. It was more that I snapped him a few times with no response that bothered me.

 

Here comes the overanalyzing again....

 

He snapped me a generic snap yesterday. I ignored. Snapped him this morning saying something about saving our streak, he sent me a snap and I sent a personalized response which he ignored.

 

I'm just gonna say screw it and not reach out or respond to him. Part of me just wants to delete social media (well specifically Snapchat) because it drives me crazy.

[d0nnivain]

Here are the questions/thoughts I have:

-How do I learn to stop tolerating being treated poorly? He isn't the first guy who has taken advantage of me. I am generally a very optimistic person who tries to see the good in others and give them the benefit of doubt, but it seems to be happening to a fault.

-Should I completely cut him out of my life?

-How can I prevent myself from getting emotionally attached so early on?

 

 

A couple of thoughts jumped out at me. One every date you had with this guy involved alcohol. Try dating sober for a while. It's easier to maintain your own boundaries when you have a clear head.

 

 

If he isn't the 1st guy who has taken advantage of you, sit down in a quiet space & think about all the guys who have. What common patterns do you see? I suspect alcohol will be one of them. Once you identify the patterns you will be ale to break them.

 

 

In my 20s I was very aggressive. I preferred bad boy alpha males who were players because I wanted to best them. I'd start my flirting with an insult or smart / sarcastic remark & bait them from there. The relationships were often rollercoasters. That was fine because at the time it was what I wanted. But when I decided that I wanted something more serious, more long term, I knew I'd have to change my approach. I learned to be nice & gee whiz that allowed me to meet & be with good guys, who were keen on commitment & not chasing the next thrill. (I'm not blaming the men I dated, because my desire to chase the next thrill was the most destructive force in my life at the time).

 

 

My point to you is -- what is your destructive pattern & how are you going to change it?

 

 

You texted this guy & snap chatted etc. a lot. I was exhausted reading about the amount of contact you had & expected. Daily communication in the first month is a BAD thing, IMO. You need time to develop the relationship but that requires in person dates. You need to see the non verbal stuff.

 

 

If you learn to stretch things out over time, it will help guard your heart & prevent you from giving it away too soon.

 

 

Also stop sleeping with them early. The very first night you two slept in the same bed. Even though you didn't have sex, it was still too intimate too soon. My rule of thumb was always to avoid all horizontal surfaces for the first month -- no going to each other's houses (couches & beds); no moonlit walks on the beach (sand); no getting in the back seat of the car, etc.

[MajesticUnicorn]

Update:

Against my better judgment, I continued seeing this guy....probably 3 or 4 times since I last updated this post. He was giving me signs and leading me to believe he was actually genuine and interested in something more, and I fell for it.

 

Well, this past week he was extremely cold and distant again. Finally I decided I was going to stop putting up with it, and call him out for the way he had been treating me. This has been going on for nearly 3 months now. While yes, I am extremely happy when we are together, the way we have been interacting during the week is not sustainable.

 

I texted him something along the lines of:

 

"hey, I don't want you to think I am ghosting you or randomly dropping you. I'm at the point where I just want to be honest with people. I really like you and care for you a lot, but I can tell that it is not reciprocated so I think the best thing for me to do is move on."

 

He responded asking, did I do something wrong?

 

I was out for dinner and drinks with girlfriends when he responded, and was feeling really bummed out about the entire situation and I don't think my response was clear...I basically said I don't feel like you are interested in me. Unless I am being dramatic, but I clearly like you and you don't seem to be reciprocating it.

 

He responded saying he still doesn't understand what he did. I guess I was just repeating myself without giving solid reasons why I felt as if he was uninterested in me, because he said "I still don't understand what I did."

 

I replied, and got no response. The next morning (Sunday) I texted saying hey I was out for drinks when I was talking to you and wasn't in the best state of mind, so I'm sorry if I didn't make sense or if I came off wrong.

 

No response.

 

I don't know what to do at this point, just leave it? Let him respond if he feels like it? I guess from everything that went down I realized a few things, one, I cared/liked him a lot more than I thought. And, if he is just going to leave me hanging and ignore me, he is not someone worth dating in the first place.

 

If he were truly interested in me, he would have made more of an effort, right?

He would have said, no, you're wrong, I do care for you?

 

I know I deserve better. I hate myself for putting myself in this situation and acting so immature. I feel so humiliated that I just poured my heart out to this guy and he left me on read. The sad thing is if he came back and texted me, I would probably still give him a chance. Maybe I just need to read over this thread again and remember all the bad things he did, because right now I still have this romanticized version of him and our relationship in my head.

 

 

A couple of thoughts jumped out at me. One every date you had with this guy involved alcohol. Try dating sober for a while. It's easier to maintain your own boundaries when you have a clear head.

 

 

If he isn't the 1st guy who has taken advantage of you, sit down in a quiet space & think about all the guys who have. What common patterns do you see? I suspect alcohol will be one of them. Once you identify the patterns you will be ale to break them.

 

 

In my 20s I was very aggressive. I preferred bad boy alpha males who were players because I wanted to best them. I'd start my flirting with an insult or smart / sarcastic remark & bait them from there. The relationships were often rollercoasters. That was fine because at the time it was what I wanted. But when I decided that I wanted something more serious, more long term, I knew I'd have to change my approach. I learned to be nice & gee whiz that allowed me to meet & be with good guys, who were keen on commitment & not chasing the next thrill. (I'm not blaming the men I dated, because my desire to chase the next thrill was the most destructive force in my life at the time).

 

 

My point to you is -- what is your destructive pattern & how are you going to change it?

 

 

You texted this guy & snap chatted etc. a lot. I was exhausted reading about the amount of contact you had & expected. Daily communication in the first month is a BAD thing, IMO. You need time to develop the relationship but that requires in person dates. You need to see the non verbal stuff.

 

 

If you learn to stretch things out over time, it will help guard your heart & prevent you from giving it away too soon.

 

 

Also stop sleeping with them early. The very first night you two slept in the same bed. Even though you didn't have sex, it was still too intimate too soon. My rule of thumb was always to avoid all horizontal surfaces for the first month -- no going to each other's houses (couches & beds); no moonlit walks on the beach (sand); no getting in the back seat of the car, etc.

 

Thank you for your response and all of the advice you have given me thus far.

 

I think you are right about the alcohol thing. It's hard because I feel like going out is the only way I can meet guys. If I meet them on Tinder or Bumble, they suggest going out for drinks or meeting out at the bars. Part of it is because I live in a college town, so many of the guys who are my age are either finishing up college, staying an extra year, or are still in that college mentality. I guess that is when I should suggest a different first date idea.

 

I really DO want a nice guy, I just always pick the most physically attractive guys and of course they end up screwing me over and have a line of girls when they are finished with me.

 

I feel really bummed out about this ending, but I know it probably is for the best and it's not like it was a "real" relationship anyway, it's just like holy cow this ate up a few months of my life and nothing came from it except me feeling absolutely humiliated.

 

I'm trying to get back into the dating game with Tinder/Bumble...hopefully can find some better prospects. One of my friends suggested I just take a break from dating for a while, but I'm not sure what the best thing to do is at this point.

[MajesticUnicorn]

Well...I still haven't heard from him. I know it was my decision to text him and break things off, but of course now I'm having my doubts. He gave me every reason to think he was interested in me, but he also gave me every reason to think he wasn't wanting anything serious.

 

I know I should probably just move on and realize I deserve better, but it's hard. I liked him way more than I thought. I keep replaying everything in my head and I want to reach out to him again but I know he'll probably just ignore me....I'm guessing NC is the way to go?

[MajesticUnicorn]

I should move on.....right? I need to let go of this.

 

Yet I feel SO sad. I miss him already and just want to text him and apologize for my outburst but I'm worried he'll ignore me or say something I don't want to hear.