Oops, am I the OW?

[somanymistakes]

If they're acting like stereotypical guys, then they have to face the problem that stereotypical guys are jerks.

[Inspiteofrselves]

So. This guy got and stayed divorced. This guy emailed me several times throughout the past year, asking to hang out and appologizing for being an *******. I kind of swerved him for the better part of the year because 1. I was hurt 2. I was in a relationship with a pretty jealous guy and 3. I was happy to not be engaged with him because there was absolutely no risk of having any feelings come up-- because a lot of the feelings I had with this dude really sucked. I did miss his friendship terribly, because it was a really good one that made me feel really understood-- but I just was not up to playing with fire.

 

Flash forward to last month. My relationship imploded over the course of three pretty scary months. A lot of other bull**** happened. I was feeling really sad. Homeboy starts texting me about his own sadness. I finally start talking back in a meaningful way. I talk about my own issues. He knows just what to say in a non belittling, helpful, compassionate, intelligent way.

 

To be light on details-- a lot of my close friends and family members who I usually lean on for support were not able to support at the time for extremely legitimate reasons. This dude, who's been sending "I am sorry's" for a year, starts checking in on me when other folks are unable and he is also not feeling great.

 

I am in no way trying to have any sort of physical or romantic relationship with goddam anyone right now. I want to be alone. I am clear about this. However, you know, old flames and that-- and there's a little tug of the heart when he manages to say the right thing. But I am an adult, and I know it's not good for me-- so I ignore it and try to persue the friendship I miss so much.

 

He's trying to set times to meet up, and I'm being a little evasive. He straight up promises he's not going to hit on me or anything like that-- out of absolutely no where. I laugh it off and basically don't aknowledge. I tell him, you know, I am sad and dont want to be a flake so am hesitant to set plans with anyone. He pushes.

 

Long story much shorter: He assertively--nay aggressively--makes plans, with a date and time and location, SEVERAL ****ING TIMES. And blows them all off within the hour without legitimate excuses.

 

When I am sad about this, he essentially insinuates I am needy and think to much. At this point I am feeling very vulnerable and let down and do not understand why this guy has fought his way back to do this. I send an old piece (thinly veiled) piece of writing about how sad it was to burn the relationship (whateverthe****itwas) after the incident about which this original post was written. His response: "Huh?"

 

Okay. Okay. He sucks. I have to stay away from this man. But I want to understand what happened and why, because I don't want it to happen to me ever again.

[bathtub-row]

Do yourself a favor and don’t waste your time trying to figure out sociopaths. It’s a waste of time. The red flags were there in the beginning. Just block him and never speak to him again. The guy is truly certifiable!!!

[lana-banana]

You will never get a satisfactory explanation of what happened beyond "he's a d-bag and he's happy to use you for his own selfish purposes". If you try to go beyond that you're going to be retreading and reliving this situation until the end of time.

 

You already know that loving, supportive, worthy men don't treat people this way, so why bother with this guy? Focus on someone who deserves it.

[Inspiteofrselves]

I don't know. I feel like I need to find the lesson in this. I did not see it coming. Why does someone do something like this?

[Zahara]

I don't know. I feel like I need to find the lesson in this. I did not see it coming. Why does someone do something like this?

 

The lesson in this is to never tangle yourself with men that are emotionally unavailable. That was a huge red flag waving infront of you.

 

The other lesson is to not place someone on a pedestal, especially someone who is off the bat a cheater -- I say that because it's odd that he calls you up six months later and just "tells" you he is leaving his wife and uses that as justification to meet with you and spend the night. Me thinks he was still with his wife and was looking for some action. He got what he could get and then disappeared -- hence, the non-response when you asked him out to breakfast.

 

He's dodgy and no, he's not a once in a lifetime kinda man as you mentioned.

Edited September 17, 2018 by Zahara

[Orokotikki]

I am guessing his (possibly ex)wife might have alot of insight into what happened. Of course she not have a clue.

 

Zahara and crew are right on the money here.

[bathtub-row]

I don't know. I feel like I need to find the lesson in this. I did not see it coming. Why does someone do something like this?

 

Ok, here’s the lesson. Don’t get emotionally or physically involved with a man until you get to know him. A lot of people who play games with others have learned how to get under the wire and never hit the radar. Bottom line: be careful about who you invite into your home and into your bed. If women did that, they’d have far fewer problems and wouldn’t spend their time trying to wrap their heads around why jerks are jerks.

[brigit87]

 

Long story much shorter: He assertively--nay aggressively--makes plans, with a date and time and location, SEVERAL ****ING TIMES. And blows them all off within the hour without legitimate excuses.

 

When I am sad about this, he essentially insinuates I am needy and think to much. At this point I am feeling very vulnerable and let down and do not understand why this guy has fought his way back to do this. I send an old piece (thinly veiled) piece of writing about how sad it was to burn the relationship (whateverthe****itwas) after the incident about which this original post was written. His response: "Huh?"

 

Okay. Okay. He sucks. I have to stay away from this man. But I want to understand what happened and why, because I don't want it to happen to me ever again.

 

This is what happened:

 

You met a con man. He might not be a psychopath but he's mean and will continue to play with you as long as you let him. He'll never treat you nice but he might say nice things.

 

The sooner you cut him out of your life the better.