Husband has been texting xMM

[BetrayedH]

Don't put up with verbal/physical/emotional abuse, but otherwise I think you should let go of the steering wheel. If your H wants to berate the OM, let him make that judgment call.

[Southern Sun]

I think I’ll just answer everyone here. Sorry for the length.

 

harrybrown – I feel that I am very much working to help him recover. I’ve done, and am continuing to do, a great deal. There are some things I am getting better at even now, as my depression is getting more under control. I do understand the breadth and depth of the gift he has given me, because after having gone through an A myself, I honestly don’t know if I could reconcile. I know that seems backwards but maybe it isn’t. I know how horrible it is even from my POV. If we were to find ourselves here AGAIN after going through this and knowing exactly the pain and misery it sent us through…I just don’t know if we could do it. If he had done it to me first? I might have reconciled. Depending upon his response to the end, what he wanted, all that. I watched my dad cheat on my mom, more than once, and they made it. But if we were to scratch our way through this, reconcile, and THEN he was to have a two-year love affair with someone? I just think we should part ways at that point.

 

kgcolonel – I get what you’re saying, but he hasn’t been numb and drunk this entire time. He has used alcohol to an extent for years. But he has only recently, in the last few months, begun to ramp it up. So no, I don’t think it’s true to say he is going to go through this twice.

 

aileD – if he has a problem with me getting his iPad, it would be pretty hypocritical. That’s the first thing he did when he became suspicious about my affair – look through my stuff. And when he has demanded transparency from me, he has done so by stating how I can pick up his electronics any time I want. Otherwise, good suggestion.

 

QuietDan – he has done a variety of aggressive (or near-aggressive things) over the years. I understand. But it’s not going to help him. I don’t ever step in or say anything. Except for the time he started sitting outside the OM’s house and business. That did concern me. I don’t want my H arrested. I also understand this affair was very emasculating for him. I am trying to help get the sex back together now. But I can’t MAKE him feel like an “Alpha.” Especially when I don’t think he has ever felt that way. I think there is so much he could do to bring confidence and self-assuredness into his life, but he is going about it in all the wrong ways.

 

Birdies – it’s been almost a year. He texted him just the other day. Again. Isn’t this getting a bit long?

 

Ahurtgirl – a VERY good point.

 

Owl – windows and walls. Yes. That is something that is bothering me a great deal. Sure, you can say I’m being secretive by looking at his iPad, but it was because he was hiding it from me. The same thing that happens when every potential BS becomes suspicious of their potential WS. I feel that he is not being honest with me. And yes…it is the death of intimacy.

 

There is a part of me that just wants to hand this over to him. Fine, if this is the marriage you want, have at it. I’ll let you have your stupid electronics, hide them away. I won’t look anymore, how’s that? Text who you want, email who you want, drink what you want. Then see how we turn out. I can’t f’ing make him do anything.

 

People ask me what I’m doing to help him recover. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one DOING anything. Yes, he’s still here and he gets credit for that, huge credit. Otherwise, he does not want to do any actual digging in or work. I don't want to go back to the marriage we had, except worse, with a husband full of rage. The marriage we had pretended nothing was wrong. And that was primarily because of him. He likes to smooth things over, put a smile on, just keep on keeping on. But it makes me feel like we don't KNOW each other. Not just me not knowing him. But then he refuses to really know me also.

 

Dichotomy and merrmeade – sure, it might be displaced anger. He is full of anger. But I get plenty of it too, so maybe that’s all he is: a walking ball of anger. But he doesn’t ask me for help. He doesn’t admit that he wants to write to him, as you did. All I get is the mass explosion at the end of the day. And when I offer help to him, he doesn’t admit this stuff. He’ll say, no, you’re great, everything’s been great. Last night he made a sarcastic comment and I used it to ask him how he was doing, really. He said, I’ve really been doing better. When I was silent, he said, right? Don’t you think? I really feel better. I couldn’t say that I knew he had just texted OM.

 

GoldenR – I suppose there could be some rugsweeping, but it isn’t like we’ve not dealt with this. It’s been a central theme of our lives for a very long time. I think the main issue is that my H isn’t doing constructive things to actually resolve his anger.

 

BetrayedH – that’s where I am. Give up. But that doesn’t make me feel very close to him.

[Whoknew30]

^ some of what you're saying is completely off...as the "iPad being hypocritical".

 

Look I had an A too...when I confessed I didn't say anything to his reactions. I knew he needed to react how ever he needed (minus any kind of abuse).

 

IMO, you don't have the right to be questioning him about anything. He looked at your phone bc you were doing wrong, had you not been then it would have been a violation of privacy but you were guilty so that argument is absolutely void.

 

You're keeping the ExAP alive in your life by being nosey & going through what your H is sayyro him. Honestly it's none of your business. Infact you have no right to be going through your husband stuff at all (unless he had A too).

 

You put yourself in this position, you have to deal with it & unless he crosses the boundary of legit abuse...you need to not complain about your consequences of your choices. He gets to deal with it how ever he sees fit...good luck

[DKT3]

Question is why does it bug you that he is contacting your AP? Really? Not some lame excuses about bringing him into your life...YOU did that.

[aliveagain]

Could be he is having second thoughts about reconciliation. He would have had to really compromise his values to offer you such a gift. My guess is he still feels violated by other man and your secret life with him. I remember getting angry at myself for compromising my values the first time I attempted reconciliation. You need to make sure he doesn't take this to the next level and go after the O/M. This may be a confused cry for help.

[BMI03]

I think I’ll just answer everyone here. Sorry for the length.

 

harrybrown – I feel that I am very much working to help him recover. I’ve done, and am continuing to do, a great deal. There are some things I am getting better at even now, as my depression is getting more under control. I do understand the breadth and depth of the gift he has given me, because after having gone through an A myself, I honestly don’t know if I could reconcile. I know that seems backwards but maybe it isn’t. I know how horrible it is even from my POV. If we were to find ourselves here AGAIN after going through this and knowing exactly the pain and misery it sent us through…I just don’t know if we could do it. If he had done it to me first? I might have reconciled. Depending upon his response to the end, what he wanted, all that. I watched my dad cheat on my mom, more than once, and they made it. But if we were to scratch our way through this, reconcile, and THEN he was to have a two-year love affair with someone? I just think we should part ways at that point.

 

kgcolonel – I get what you’re saying, but he hasn’t been numb and drunk this entire time. He has used alcohol to an extent for years. But he has only recently, in the last few months, begun to ramp it up. So no, I don’t think it’s true to say he is going to go through this twice.

 

aileD – if he has a problem with me getting his iPad, it would be pretty hypocritical. That’s the first thing he did when he became suspicious about my affair – look through my stuff. And when he has demanded transparency from me, he has done so by stating how I can pick up his electronics any time I want. Otherwise, good suggestion.

 

QuietDan – he has done a variety of aggressive (or near-aggressive things) over the years. I understand. But it’s not going to help him. I don’t ever step in or say anything. Except for the time he started sitting outside the OM’s house and business. That did concern me. I don’t want my H arrested. I also understand this affair was very emasculating for him. I am trying to help get the sex back together now. But I can’t MAKE him feel like an “Alpha.” Especially when I don’t think he has ever felt that way. I think there is so much he could do to bring confidence and self-assuredness into his life, but he is going about it in all the wrong ways.

 

Birdies – it’s been almost a year. He texted him just the other day. Again. Isn’t this getting a bit long?

 

Ahurtgirl – a VERY good point.

 

Owl – windows and walls. Yes. That is something that is bothering me a great deal. Sure, you can say I’m being secretive by looking at his iPad, but it was because he was hiding it from me. The same thing that happens when every potential BS becomes suspicious of their potential WS. I feel that he is not being honest with me. And yes…it is the death of intimacy.

 

There is a part of me that just wants to hand this over to him. Fine, if this is the marriage you want, have at it. I’ll let you have your stupid electronics, hide them away. I won’t look anymore, how’s that? Text who you want, email who you want, drink what you want. Then see how we turn out. I can’t f’ing make him do anything.

 

People ask me what I’m doing to help him recover. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one DOING anything. Yes, he’s still here and he gets credit for that, huge credit. Otherwise, he does not want to do any actual digging in or work. I don't want to go back to the marriage we had, except worse, with a husband full of rage. The marriage we had pretended nothing was wrong. And that was primarily because of him. He likes to smooth things over, put a smile on, just keep on keeping on. But it makes me feel like we don't KNOW each other. Not just me not knowing him. But then he refuses to really know me also.

 

Dichotomy and merrmeade – sure, it might be displaced anger. He is full of anger. But I get plenty of it too, so maybe that’s all he is: a walking ball of anger. But he doesn’t ask me for help. He doesn’t admit that he wants to write to him, as you did. All I get is the mass explosion at the end of the day. And when I offer help to him, he doesn’t admit this stuff. He’ll say, no, you’re great, everything’s been great. Last night he made a sarcastic comment and I used it to ask him how he was doing, really. He said, I’ve really been doing better. When I was silent, he said, right? Don’t you think? I really feel better. I couldn’t say that I knew he had just texted OM.

 

GoldenR – I suppose there could be some rugsweeping, but it isn’t like we’ve not dealt with this. It’s been a central theme of our lives for a very long time. I think the main issue is that my H isn’t doing constructive things to actually resolve his anger.

 

BetrayedH – that’s where I am. Give up. But that doesn’t make me feel very close to him.

 

Some of what you say here gives the impression that you are taping your watch, suggesting that he get over all of this already. If I am correct, you think a year has passed so he should be past the point of expressing his anger towards OM, and should be treating you like an equal on the topic of openness and honesty. The reality is, he didn't chose to be in this place of hurt and betrayal, you did.

 

You deserve credit for working through it together, but a lot of this needs to be on his terms, because who are you to say where he SHOULD be with this? You fell into a deficit in the morality and honesty bank account. You are paying off that debt, and that's great. But it's a ways off before you work yourself out of the negative deficit and into a place where your word on honesty carries any real value into the conversation on honesty and openness. I don't say this to be mean, but to put you in his shoes. It's like he went outside and ripped all the flowers out of your garden, and then next week tells you that you don't use enough water to water the flowers.

 

Work on paying off that honesty deficit. Let him make the calls on when he is ready to move on from something. You can't be the judge of that.

 

My fiancé didn't have an PA. Hell, they barely had an EA. All she did was delete a bunch of texts that I later saw told an ex boyfriend that she missed him. One time. But even THAT was enough to be a betrayal, and a year later I am still hitting triggers and have moments where it's hard to accept that I had a moment in time where she was working against me rather than with me.

 

He lost faith in your ability to be a partner in life with him, and so that's going to take much more time to heal than I think you are truly recognizing.

[QuietDan]

Beware of self inflicted emotional wounds.

Maybe your husband has given you a lot of reasons to suspect and expect him to be cheating in the near future. Or, one of the typical challenges faced by waywards is projecting they're guilt and fears onto the betrayed spouses. More specifically, a wayward sometimes develop a paranoid fear and deep seated insecurity that the loyal spouse will cheat. Irony. This type of reaction and fear really puts up alot of road blocks and stumbling points that hurts the recovery process in numerous ways. Reading through your latest long response, I am sensing there might be some of this going on. This will greatly affect your perception of your husbands behavior and motives. This will also affect your potential reactions to your husband. Whether you say anything or not, your body language will start to betray you. Your husband maybe picking up on some of this and in turn reacting to it.

[Southern Sun]

^ some of what you're saying is completely off...as the "iPad being hypocritical".

 

Look I had an A too...when I confessed I didn't say anything to his reactions. I knew he needed to react how ever he needed (minus any kind of abuse).

 

IMO, you don't have the right to be questioning him about anything. He looked at your phone bc you were doing wrong, had you not been then it would have been a violation of privacy but you were guilty so that argument is absolutely void.

 

You're keeping the ExAP alive in your life by being nosey & going through what your H is sayyro him. Honestly it's none of your business. Infact you have no right to be going through your husband stuff at all (unless he had A too).

 

You put yourself in this position, you have to deal with it & unless he crosses the boundary of legit abuse...you need to not complain about your consequences of your choices. He gets to deal with it how ever he sees fit...good luck

 

It's not hypocritical. He had an EA himself, not long ago, and has recently proven again that his boundaries are porous with women. I think we are in a somewhat dangerous place and I am concerned.

 

I think it's BS to say that I am keeping my AP alive by seeing my H's texts to him. And my H is the one who said we had a right to EACH OTHER'S things.

 

I'm taking my consequences.

[Southern Sun]

Question is why does it bug you that he is contacting your AP? Really? Not some lame excuses about bringing him into your life...YOU did that.

 

I haven't done that for a year, DKT. At some point, I actually do get to claim that the A is over and has been over and I am in NC.

 

You can assume all day that it bothers me for some nefarious reason, but it does not. I actually don't want the AP hovering around. He is the type that will use whatever 'in' he's got to show up.

[Southern Sun]

Could be he is having second thoughts about reconciliation. He would have had to really compromise his values to offer you such a gift. My guess is he still feels violated by other man and your secret life with him. I remember getting angry at myself for compromising my values the first time I attempted reconciliation. You need to make sure he doesn't take this to the next level and go after the O/M. This may be a confused cry for help.

 

How do I do that without it being perceived as me protecting the OM? I'm already being accused of that here by some.

 

alive, I am only trying to do what my H says he wants. I don't even know anymore. He says he wants me and yet, if he is "compromising" himself by being with me, I don't know how we will be okay.

[Southern Sun]

Beware of self inflicted emotional wounds.

Maybe your husband has given you a lot of reasons to suspect and expect him to be cheating in the near future. Or, one of the typical challenges faced by waywards is projecting they're guilt and fears onto the betrayed spouses. More specifically, a wayward sometimes develop a paranoid fear and deep seated insecurity that the loyal spouse will cheat. Irony. This type of reaction and fear really puts up alot of road blocks and stumbling points that hurts the recovery process in numerous ways. Reading through your latest long response, I am sensing there might be some of this going on. This will greatly affect your perception of your husbands behavior and motives. This will also affect your potential reactions to your husband. Whether you say anything or not, your body language will start to betray you. Your husband maybe picking up on some of this and in turn reacting to it.

 

I do have some fear, but it's not unfounded. He had the EA and there have been other issues here and there, due to his need for validation.

[DKT3]

I haven't done that for a year, DKT. At some point, I actually do get to claim that the A is over and has been over and I am in NC.

 

You can assume all day that it bothers me for some nefarious reason, but it does not. I actually don't want the AP hovering around. He is the type that will use whatever 'in' he's got to show up.

 

A year or two days ago you got him involved in your marriage.

 

No I didn't think it's a I want AP thing, I believe it's a control thing. I believe you stuggled with your lose of precived power over your marriage. Like 99% of WS, I believe you had (before and during you ur affair) a precietion that you could control the direction of the marriage.. I could sense that control when you started posting. Over time it seems that you've appeared to have lost that control, not only that, but it also seems that you believe your husband is controlled by an outside source, like he isn't making decisions but having them made for him..

 

Putting his phone in his bag is yet another example of your lose of control which I believe is the issue and not that he texted AP.

[Southern Sun]

A year or two days ago you got him involved in your marriage.

 

No I didn't think it's a I want AP thing, I believe it's a control thing. I believe you stuggled with your lose of precived power over your marriage. Like 99% of WS, I believe you had (before and during you ur affair) a precietion that you could control the direction of the marriage.. I could sense that control when you started posting. Over time it seems that you've appeared to have lost that control, not only that, but it also seems that you believe your husband is controlled by an outside source, like he isn't making decisions but having them made for him..

 

Putting his phone in his bag is yet another example of your lose of control which I believe is the issue and not that he texted AP.

 

I voluntarily acquiesced control when I confessed. I said to him - I don't want to protect myself anymore. I'm sorry that I have to hand this to you. But it's the only thing to do.

 

I do not know what you mean by my husband being controlled by "an outside source."

 

Him putting his phone in his bag is breaking an agreement that HE put in place.

 

I guess he has all the rights though. As I said, I'm just ready to let him do whatever.

[aliveagain]

How do I do that without it being perceived as me protecting the OM? I'm already being accused of that here by some.

 

alive, I am only trying to do what my H says he wants. I don't even know anymore. He says he wants me and yet, if he is "compromising" himself by being with me, I don't know how we will be okay.

 

Almost every betrayed spouse has had to compromise themselves in order to stay in a marriage with a former wayward spouse. How many posters on here have said that they never thought they would ever consider reconciliation even though they told their spouse that infidelity was a deal breaker? Lots, yet here they are. I often refer to it as the imbalance created by infidelity, some refer to it as a sh*t sandwich.

 

One thing that betrayed spouses develop over time is a finely tuned insincerity radar. Has anything in your behaviour changed recently? Has there been any outside influences on your husband, friends, family? You may want to bring this up with a third party neutral counsellor's help.

Edited April 4, 2017 by aliveagain

[Southern Sun]

It's not hypocritical. He had an EA himself, not long ago, and has recently proven again that his boundaries are porous with women. I think we are in a somewhat dangerous place and I am concerned.

 

I think it's BS to say that I am keeping my AP alive by seeing my H's texts to him. And my H is the one who said we had a right to EACH OTHER'S things.

 

I'm taking my consequences.

 

I mis-spoke. I know in my previous post, I said it would be hypocritical for my H to get angry about me accessing my iPad. Then whoknew pointed out that my comment was "off." Then I said, "it's not hypocritical." I was saying my sentiment wasn't hypocritical, bc I just saw that word. My point is, I don't believe my logic is off here, when my H is the one who asked for transparency and offered it himself.

[DKT3]

It's true SS, there is alot of compromise involved with staying when everything is telling you to run. Alot of self hate, for being weak, for having others view you as being weak, for being a backup or option when the WS actions have shown they choose the other person.

 

It takes a long time to reconcile it all in your head.

 

What I meant by outside sources, is in one of your other threads you made some comments about him not being that way, don't remember the exact quote, but I talked to you about how it changed him and he would never be who he was. I got the impression that you felt it was no 100% him. Maybe I misread the situation.

[Starswillshine]

Imo, leave it all alone. Let him handle it however he feels he need to. My WH was upset I contacted OW and was on contact with her. He says it is because I kept her in our life. But the reality is... he was still continuing the A and didn't want me setting her off where she would tell me. Anything you say to him will come across as you trying to protect AP or that you don't want your BH to find out more information. Is he in therapy? His therapist would tell him to leave OM alone. I know mine sure did, but I just had an inkling. And unfortunately, I was correct

[Southern Sun]

Imo, leave it all alone. Let him handle it however he feels he need to. My WH was upset I contacted OW and was on contact with her. He says it is because I kept her in our life. But the reality is... he was still continuing the A and didn't want me setting her off where she would tell me. Anything you say to him will come across as you trying to protect AP or that you don't want your BH to find out more information. Is he in therapy? His therapist would tell him to leave OM alone. I know mine sure did, but I just had an inkling. And unfortunately, I was correct

 

No, he refuses therapy, both IC and MC. He doesn't read and he doesn't talk to anyone. Not after the initial blow-up and the telling of EVERYONE.

 

I understand your point. He can do whatever he wants. I can't help him. This is my giving up point. I've told him everything about the affair. The OM would likely hide out as much as he could, with the exception of trying to get to ME. As far as I know, he is still lying to God and everybody on his end of things, so he's got way more to lose than I do.

[Southern Sun]

Almost every betrayed spouse has had to compromise themselves in order to stay in a marriage with a former wayward spouse. How many posters on here have said that they never thought they would ever consider reconciliation even though they told their spouse that infidelity was a deal breaker? Lots, yet here they are. I often refer to it as the imbalance created by infidelity, some refer to it as a sh*t sandwich.

 

One thing that betrayed spouses develop over time is a finely tuned insincerity radar. Has anything in your behaviour changed recently? Has there been any outside influences on your husband, friends, family? You may want to bring this up with a third party neutral counsellor's help.

 

The compromise part...that makes sense to me.

 

We've actually had some good changes in the last two weeks, so I find this timing very odd. Nothing super dramatic, but what feels like progress. I am not aware of any outside influences. As I've said, he still refuses counseling.

[Imajerk17]

Well, I may take heat for saying this. Anyway, a few divergent thoughts here.

 

1. First, my 30,000-foot view on your entire marriage, Southern Sun, is that while you may love your husband, you were never that attracted to him. It sounds to me that you married him because "that's what you were supposed to do" and he was/is your best friend who would make a great dad. Basically, whether you can admit this to yourself or not, it sounds to me that you settled from the very beginning of your marriage. And that isn't surprising to me, it sounds that he has always been lacking positive masculine qualities such as self-control and decisiveness, and on a related note, he just does not know how to lead the romantic aspect of a relationship/marriage. It is hard for a woman to fall in love with a man who doesn't get how to lead.

 

And so when your MM came along in the first place, you already were quite vulnerable to cheating.

 

2. Does MM's *wife* know about your affair? If not, then that could be a HUGE part of your husband's anger. I mean, here he is, with a wife who has to work on her attraction for him, while MM got both you AND his wife and has no consequences to deal with.

 

MM's wife should know, if only for safety reasons. If your husband crosses the line so law enforcement gets involved, it could get extremely ugly.

[BetrayedH]

While I know I said to let him have the steering wheel, forgive me if that implied that you should give up. My point was simply to let your H have his anger at OM. Whether you feel that it's healthy or not, I recommend just letting him make his own choice on this.

 

I can empathize with your H in this regard. The actually wasn't terribly angry for the first few months. I think I was more in a damage-control mode. I wasn't ready to lose my wife, my kids, my house - frankly, those were the only things I had prioritize for nearly 20 years. So I internalized her affair; I looked at my own flaws, took ownership for my part in the demise of the marriage. And after such a feeling of rejection, I certainly craved validation. It took many months and a good amount of reassurance from her before I began to feel safe - that she wasn't leaving. That's when the anger began to set in.

 

Over time, I found myself more and more rejecting any ownership of "flaws in the marriage." I found myself becoming resentful of MC sessions where we focused on my issues.

 

I had bouts of anger, most of which I regretted almost immediately. They weren't reflective of where I wanted to be or how I felt most of the time. Most of it felt rather uncontrollable. I was trying to choke down that sh*t sandwich, and every once in a while I vomited in the direction of my wife. It's a gross but apt analogy. I'd keep in mind that there's probably no one in life that wants him to be over it more than he does. It's just not easy. And it's not quick. I remember how I scoffed at suggestions that it would take 2-5 years. Now I scoff at those who recovery anywhere near 2 years unless it was a drunken ONS that was voluntarily confessed the next day.

 

So I had a hard time controlling my anger around my wife. I tried and somewhat routinely failed. But I tried. And I stayed. But I had no such motivation to control my anger for the OM. I had no desire to forgive and wasn't making an attempt to reconcile with him. He got a few late night calls from me.

 

Was it healthy? Probably not. It also wasn't the end of the world. And perhaps I was entitled to some minor retribution.

 

It's a confusing and difficult time for a BS. We may say some things with the best of intentions (things like, embracing mutual transparency). But minutes later and we find ourselves in PI mode and sleuthing and angry about it. And not necessarily wanting to discuss it because it's not always rational and doesn't reflect how we feel most of the time.

 

I do agree with Owl that ultimately his dishonesty (which is more likely that he's trying to deal with this on his own) is not very conducive to rebuilding intimacy. And I'm sure that is frustrating. You'd like to see progress. But it's unlikely that it's going to happen on your timetable. The best that you can do is to keep demonstrating consistent actions over time.

 

Don't give up. Keep trying and keep finding patience. He wants to be over it, too. You may not see his efforts but his presence every day is a tribute to his commitment.

 

I do think you should reveal what you know. And I'd tell him that while it concerns you, he can do what he needs to do and doesn't need to hide it from you.

 

For what's it's worth, I respect your efforts. And I can read the difficulty you're having. You think you should be further along. I think you're in a normal place. The first year is almost all drama. The second lacks that drama and you just want it to be over. Many say the second year is worse than the first. I think you show him that you've got this second year in you.

[Jersey born raised]

What is his pastor telling him?

 

The biggest obstacle while reconciling is separating issues from the adultery. So while I disagree strongly with those who suggest you are protecting the OM, it is a fair question. This situation is both part of the ovelap of adultery and honest issues in the marriage. Try looking at the drinking and compare and contrast with the letter writing.

 

His drinking is really just an issue that needs resolution. Yes it got worse because of the adultery, but it already was an issue. This is a serious issue that destroy himself, his family and his marriage.

 

The letter writing issue arose because of the adultery. The adultery has ended. He needs to readjust his actions. At this point it is not about protecting the OM, it is about protecting your husband. In conclusion; both the drinking and the letter writing are avoidance coping mechs that produce negative results.

Edited April 4, 2017 by Jersey born raised

[kiyoma]

he is still going thru a lot.

 

You had the A for 2 and 1/2 years.

Quite a gift he has given you.

 

How would you feel if he had an A for 2 and 1/2 years? would you file for D?

 

Hope you are really helping him with his recovery.

Southern Sun,

 

You do know that you are every man's nightmare?

 

I really feel sad that your H can't move on from you after what you did to him and continuing to do. Glad I left my so-called wife before falling into your H's predicament ( or maybe I had fallen but don't know)

[Southern Sun]

Well, I may take heat for saying this. Anyway, a few divergent thoughts here.

 

1. First, my 30,000-foot view on your entire marriage, Southern Sun, is that while you may love your husband, you were never that attracted to him. It sounds to me that you married him because "that's what you were supposed to do" and he was/is your best friend who would make a great dad. Basically, whether you can admit this to yourself or not, it sounds to me that you settled from the very beginning of your marriage. And that isn't surprising to me, it sounds that he has always been lacking positive masculine qualities such as self-control and decisiveness, and on a related note, he just does not know how to lead the romantic aspect of a relationship/marriage. It is hard for a woman to fall in love with a man who doesn't get how to lead.

 

No, I was initially very in love with my BH and very attracted to him. In fact, I can remember having a ton of insecurities and anxieties about him when we were first together. He seemed to be this carefree guy with a lot of confidence, a lot of friends, and a lot of interested women.

 

There was a time though, when our roles seemed to reverse. He became more seemingly insecure and I felt more smothered. This was right before marriage. I'm not sure if I had cold feet or if I was beginning to sense some potential for trouble. I definitely wasn't the type of woman who was looking for a "good enough" husband or needed a good father for my future kids. I wasn't thinking that way at all. We were simply in love at the time that people get married. But I do think that, over the years, I have desired certain qualities in him (as I would in any mate), that are just not natural for him. And I do think it has depleted my attraction to him over time.

 

I don't feel he leads any type of romantic relationship. Sometimes I think we were just kids who fell in love, into each other, and literally just landed here. That we really have no idea how to DO this. Sometimes I wonder how he would be with another woman, if he might be entirely different.

 

And so when your MM came along in the first place, you already were quite vulnerable to cheating.

 

I suppose so, looking back. And MM had those qualities I was missing, in spades. But the thing that I've learned is, people come as a package, the bad comes with the good. So while MM had those qualities I was craving, he arrived with a whole new set of awful qualities that my BH doesn't have. Everything is a trade-off. I really think my BH could be so good if he could get out of his own head and live with more intention.

 

2. Does MM's *wife* know about your affair? If not, then that could be a HUGE part of your husband's anger. I mean, here he is, with a wife who has to work on her attraction for him, while MM got both you AND his wife and has no consequences to deal with.

 

MM's wife should know, if only for safety reasons. If your husband crosses the line so law enforcement gets involved, it could get extremely ugly.

 

I don't know MM's current situation, but last I heard, his wife did know some things, but not everything. He was still denying as much as he could. My H has not told her (as far as I know!). Heck, maybe he has. They are supposedly divorcing.

[Southern Sun]

I can empathize with your H in this regard...It took many months and a good amount of reassurance from her before I began to feel safe - that she wasn't leaving. That's when the anger began to set in.

 

Over time, I found myself more and more rejecting any ownership of "flaws in the marriage." I found myself becoming resentful of MC sessions where we focused on my issues.

 

I had bouts of anger, most of which I regretted almost immediately...I'd keep in mind that there's probably no one in life that wants him to be over it more than he does. It's just not easy. And it's not quick...Now I scoff at those who recovery anywhere near 2 years unless it was a drunken ONS that was voluntarily confessed the next day.

 

...It's a confusing and difficult time for a BS. We may say some things with the best of intentions (things like, embracing mutual transparency). But minutes later and we find ourselves in PI mode and sleuthing and angry about it. And not necessarily wanting to discuss it because it's not always rational and doesn't reflect how we feel most of the time.

 

I do agree with Owl that ultimately his dishonesty (which is more likely that he's trying to deal with this on his own) is not very conducive to rebuilding intimacy. And I'm sure that is frustrating. You'd like to see progress. But it's unlikely that it's going to happen on your timetable. The best that you can do is to keep demonstrating consistent actions over time.

 

Don't give up. Keep trying and keep finding patience. He wants to be over it, too. You may not see his efforts but his presence every day is a tribute to his commitment.

 

I do think you should reveal what you know. And I'd tell him that while it concerns you, he can do what he needs to do and doesn't need to hide it from you.

 

For what's it's worth, I respect your efforts. And I can read the difficulty you're having. You think you should be further along. I think you're in a normal place. The first year is almost all drama. The second lacks that drama and you just want it to be over. Many say the second year is worse than the first. I think you show him that you've got this second year in you.

 

Wow, thank you so much. Such a great post. I appreciate the insight more than you know.