Merriweather Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 I'm seeing a lot of "checkpoint" lists online about the traits of the emotionally unavailable, but not much by way of specific examples. There are some similarities between my boyfriend's behavior and what's in these lists, but I'm not sure that having "some" traits makes someone completely stunted emotionally. What are your experiences in your relationships with emotionally unavailable people?
OatsAndHall Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 I think it's pretty hard to define "emotionally unavailable", especially if you're going off of internet lists.. I have been accused of being distant or "emotionally unavailable" because a) there are many parts of my life that I keep private until I really know someone, b) I don't vent to my significant others much as I rely on my family for that and c) I schedule alone-time for myself each week (working out, fishing, walks, playing video games etc..) as it's necessary for me to decompress. Tie all of those things together and some significant others have accused me of exactly what you're talking about, regardless of anything else I do in a relationship.
act00 Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 Please share some examples. I have no desire to Google, nor do I have the desire to follow links. Can you summarize what "emotionally unavailable" means?
Raena Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 I think there is a difference between "emotionally unavailable" and "completely stunted emotionally". In the first, the person has the skills to be available but chooses not to for whatever reason (selfishness, arrogance, protection from being hurt/judged, addiction etc.) in the second, the person does not have the necessary skill set to be emotionally available. In this case it's not a choice, it's a lack of ability to empathize or care. Either way if your needs are not being met on a regular basis and a conversation to compromise the situation doesn't solve the issue then that person is probably not the one for you. 4
Raena Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 I think it's pretty hard to define "emotionally unavailable", especially if you're going off of internet lists.. I have been accused of being distant or "emotionally unavailable" because a) there are many parts of my life that I keep private until I really know someone, b) I don't vent to my significant others much as I rely on my family for that and c) I schedule alone-time for myself each week (working out, fishing, walks, playing video games etc..) as it's necessary for me to decompress. Tie all of those things together and some significant others have accused me of exactly what you're talking about, regardless of anything else I do in a relationship. Given that you know these things are troublesome for you in a relationship have you considered changing or being more flexible in those areas? Or do you just expect that the right person for you will just be ok with this without complaint?
Author Merriweather Posted March 9, 2017 Author Posted March 9, 2017 Please share some examples. I have no desire to Google, nor do I have the desire to follow links. Can you summarize what "emotionally unavailable" means? Layman's definition: Emotionally Unavailable: Partner who creates barriers to intimacy and can make you feel unloved or unwanted. Emotionally unavailable people find it hard to make time for friends & loved ones. Emotionally unavailable people are sometimes addicts; whether the addiction is to work, drugs, food, television, exercise, a hobby or the internet, it will take up a considerable amount of time & energy & leave little time for you. Always criticizes you. Full of excuses for why they cannot be there with you, do things with you, or be available to you for support. When you are emotionally unavailable, sharing feelings within the relationship is avoided & if you bring it up, you’re often mocked as being “hysterical”, “overly emotional” or just plain “silly.” If your partner has a private life (Secret Keeper) from which you are excluded, there are probably serious trust issues which undermine the emotional connection. 1
act00 Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 Layman's definition: Emotionally Unavailable: Partner who creates barriers to intimacy and can make you feel unloved or unwanted. Emotionally unavailable people find it hard to make time for friends & loved ones. Emotionally unavailable people are sometimes addicts; whether the addiction is to work, drugs, food, television, exercise, a hobby or the internet, it will take up a considerable amount of time & energy & leave little time for you. Always criticizes you. Full of excuses for why they cannot be there with you, do things with you, or be available to you for support. When you are emotionally unavailable, sharing feelings within the relationship is avoided & if you bring it up, you’re often mocked as being “hysterical”, “overly emotional” or just plain “silly.” If your partner has a private life (Secret Keeper) from which you are excluded, there are probably serious trust issues which undermine the emotional connection. This sounds to me like emotionally abusive. End it now. 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 Most "emotionally unavailable" (if you will) people I've known were boring...way less romantic than the brooding deep stranger motif. Rather, for the most part they glared at the X Box for endless hours, threw out the occasional snark to prove they were deep, and...yeah. That was about it. This is just my experience, though. 1
Ronnys93 Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 I find myself to be "emotionally unavailable" if I'm crushing hard on a person. Even if I'm not in a relationship with them. It's not a good thing per say, but I'm definitely am honest about it. But Merriweather also has a nice definition for someone who clearly is completely emotionally unavailable/abusive. 1
basil67 Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 Layman's definition: Emotionally Unavailable: Partner who creates barriers to intimacy and can make you feel unloved or unwanted. Emotionally unavailable people find it hard to make time for friends & loved ones. Emotionally unavailable people are sometimes addicts; whether the addiction is to work, drugs, food, television, exercise, a hobby or the internet, it will take up a considerable amount of time & energy & leave little time for you. Always criticizes you. Full of excuses for why they cannot be there with you, do things with you, or be available to you for support. When you are emotionally unavailable, sharing feelings within the relationship is avoided & if you bring it up, you’re often mocked as being “hysterical”, “overly emotional” or just plain “silly.” If your partner has a private life (Secret Keeper) from which you are excluded, there are probably serious trust issues which undermine the emotional connection. This could also perfectly describe "he/she is just not that into you" 2
Author Merriweather Posted March 9, 2017 Author Posted March 9, 2017 I was trying to avoid telling a long, boring story but maybe I should, for point of reference. In response to my needs being met...for the most part they are, I'd say about 85-90%... certainly more so than with the (countless) other people I've dated in my time. My boyfriend really sets the bar high for anyone else I date in the future if this doesn't work out. He isn't arrogant, rude to service people or anyone, or self-centered to the detriment of others, as I've seen in some of the "signs to look for". But despite being in this awesome relationship for an entire year which (to me & everyone else in my life who has been around us) has all the makings of love...he doesn't love me yet. After a year of all the time spent...the daytime hours, the wee hours, all the overnights, having drawer & closet space & his things around my house...after being so close...after everything that has been said & done & dreamed about together, I find it so hard to believe he doesn't love me yet. Not out of personal arrogance, but because of how he has consistently treated me. Would make way more sense & be less of a bitter pill if we *didn't* spend much time together regularly, or argued a lot, or didn't know each other too well, etc. but that's just not the case here. We both feel very connected & well-matched...he often talks about our future, about moving forward & buying a house together eventually (he sends me links to houses for sale to see what I think & wants to start going to open houses with me.) For the most part, this entire year together has been "magical" & easy for us, only minor bumps in the road that were nothing we couldn't move past. (Mostly stupid "girl" issues I made a bigger deal of than they really were.) He says that nothing about me bugs him really, though I made it clear he can talk to me without repercussions if something does bother him. When I became bothered that he hasn't dropped the L-bomb on me yet after a year, I didn't want to pressure him...pressure can be the kiss of death & guys hate it. I wanted to be reasonable. So I decided to gauge how he feels by his actions (my impression is that they're supposed to speak louder than words, right?) I thought about all the effort he puts into the relationship even though he's super busy all the time, all the things he's done for me & said about our future & how much he thinks of me/us, every way he looks at me - I don't think there's a sighted person on the planet who would look at it all & not conclude that he loves me very much. But...I was having so much internal anxiety about it I finally gathered my courage the other day to take the direct approach & ask him point blank if he loves me. The answer wasn't Yes, No, Maybe, or I Don't know, but I was so shocked by his reaction that I can't even remember his exact words (a bit of awkward stammering). The takeaway I got from it amounted to No...not yet. I felt devastated. I had been convinced by his consistent treatment of me that he does love me (to some degree at least) & just has a hard time saying it, as some people do find it hard to say they love you even when they do. Further down the road in the convo as it got a bit heated he said "I never said I don't love you!"...even more confusing, since his original answer amounted to no or not yet. I know people proceed in relationships at different paces & there's no hard rule for when you should tell someone you love them, but it was shocking to think that he might just "really, really like" me at this point in time. (He didn't say that, but if he doesn't love me yet by his own admission, then that's what it amounts to...right?) So I started to think about other indicators that he might just be emotionally unavailable or "emotionally vacant": He hates confrontation about emotional subjects, avoids it at all costs...I usually have to drag things out of him as he isn't the most forthcoming with communication, & he doesn't ever bring up anything seriously emotional himself. I can tell he's uncomfortable discussing something when he starts making jokes or changing the subject. He's very private & doesn't share anything about himself with the world at large, except for me & maybe one or two lifelong guy friends, apparently. Most people at work don't even know he has kids (from his last relationship of 20+ years) & they don't know what his story is at all. He doesn't care for his family because they are manipulative & full of drama, so he doesn't speak to either of his parents or the rest of his family, except maybe a couple times a year by happenstance. (His parents live in the house right next door to him.) He says he's not against marriage per se, swears he's not commitment phobic, but I can tell he views marriage as a huge financial disadvantage given our incomes, so I don't really see that happening. He's been a workaholic for many, many years (works 6-7 days a week, has worked double shifts for days on end sometimes. His typical work week is anywhere from 60-80 hours). I recently told him I think he works so much as a way of avoiding having to deal with his prior home life, something he blatantly denies. I guess it's just easier for me to think he's emotionally unavailable than to believe he's been playing an Oscar award-winning role all this time. A year may not seem like a long time at all for some people, but we have conceded several times that we feel so comfortable with each other we feel like we've been on cloud 9 for many years already. He doesn't really think there is anything wrong with our relationship or see a problem here. But I do. If you don't love someone because you're not ready yet, I see no reason to mislead them to think that you do, with every action & word except those 3 little words made up of 8 letters. Why would you want to buy a house with someone you don't love yet? Why do all the things he does? Why put in so much effort if he's not quite there yet? I'm not a hobby, for crying out loud.
Author Merriweather Posted March 9, 2017 Author Posted March 9, 2017 So basically this is about poor communication & things not being as they appear....I guess. 1
coolheadal Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 (edited) Thank god I don't have this trait "emotionally unavailable" as virgo man. I follow the stars/zodiac. But now that I think about it "emotionally unavailable" I found in women I've dated. So I express my inner thoughts and feelings without hesitation where as some women can't. I see men are known for "emotionally unavailable" this trait but not me as I did say. I guess the way I was brought up by loving family with both parents or stuck it out for over 60 years. They had me late in life. I happy to be who I am and will share that with the woman of choice I am in love with. See I can say that how many men and women can say the same. Why hide your feelings express it to the fullness. Don't let depression taken over your social life. Be happy, positive and confident in one self being for healthy lifestyle to share with others. Edited March 9, 2017 by coolheadal
CarbonCopy Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 I'm seeing a man right now who is emotionally unavailable. His exes (ex fiancee and ex gf) definitely did a number on him. I think at this point in his life he's avoiding a serious / long term relationship because he's jaded and doesn't want to get hurt again. It's frustrating.
Zahara Posted March 9, 2017 Posted March 9, 2017 This sounds exactly like an ex I dated for two years. The word "love" was a difficult word for him. He was emotionally disconnected. They can go through the course of a relationship i.e. buying a house, going on vacations, etc. and functioning like any other partner would but without needing to achieve any emotional depth in the relationship or in you. It works for them. It doesn't work for us because we desire more. It boils down to what you want from a partner and a relationship. It doesn't matter what/who he is -- is the relationship working for you? You can slap a label on him but that doesn't change your situation.
Miss Peach Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 (edited) If you want to read about EU people, I highly recommend [] a book called Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl [by Natalie Lue] Edited March 10, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redacted recommedation of competing web site.
carhill Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 What are your experiences in your relationships with emotionally unavailable people? They thought the relationship instead of feeling it. Intimacy by logic. Math instead of art. The more pervasive may have rose to one member's description of emotional abuse. Generally, IME, if people don't want to be around someone, they aren't around them, presuming a choice is offered. If they engage, and remain engaged, and dispense behaviors while engaged, then it follows that they're getting something from the engagement because getting something is always part of a relationship of any sort. Each describes that for themselves. The more skilled can sell it pretty well, faking emotion to make it seem real. I think my exW called it 'masking', like an actor putting on a mask to play a role. OTOH, the EU person may not feel EU at all. To them it's a perfectly healthy perspective. In life we meet all sorts. Some match up and some don't. People do what they do and then they die and the cycle repeats.
Author Merriweather Posted March 30, 2017 Author Posted March 30, 2017 My year long relationship with an emotionally unavailable man ended last week, 5 days ago. I suppose I could blame it on myself for the awful argument we had where I had too much to drink & I lashed out & told him some seriously horrible things, but I think it was headed for splitsville anyhow, with or without the argument. (This is why I normally don't drink more than a beer or two.) We didn't "officially" break up this time, but the argument itself acted as the catalyst, since he took my house keys off his key ring & hung them up and we have barely spoken since, after not having missed a day of some kind of contact. We had been talking about breaking up & were supposed to have an "adult" conversation about whether or not we should, but it never happened because on Fight Night, when were just supposed to be getting drinks & having a good time, it turned into something absolutely terrible, which I regret. However, I don't blame myself for the relationship failing on the whole, because I was the best I could be for him but it never would have been enough. I lashed out during the argument, drunk or not, because I was frustrated with everything, incl feeling misled by his behavior. I spoke to him a couple times after the argument; I picked up something from him the next day at work that he agreed to lend me & we chit-chatted for about 10 min. He hugged & kissed me goodbye but it was not the same, it was like he was hugging his aunt goodbye. The next day I called him & we spoke for about 40 min. (That would have been our 1 year anniversary.) I briefly texted him an acknowledgement of it, to which the reply was a shrugging dude emoji. Out of habit, I also texted to remind him he had an appointment the next day. No reply. I have since removed my head from my ass & realized that he probably responded & spoke to me out of politeness but doesn't really want to talk to me, at least not right now. So I stopped contacting him. I have been mulling over sending a brief apology text about what happened last week, the things I said. It's not like me to not take responsibility when I feel I've wronged someone. (Not sure it would make a difference on his end if I apologize but I'm not doing it to get him back, I just wanted to make my regret known for what went down.) So here's my question, it's about the No Contact "Rule". From what I'm reading, it has a specific purpose (to grieve & heal), but some use it mistakenly thinking it's to make their ex miss them & want them back, get back with them, etc. From what I've read, the "rule" starts as a purposeful initiation with the other person to tell them about No Contact, regardless of who dumped whom, which both parties are expected to adhere to. So my question is, he's not even speaking to me right now & even if I do it for the right reasons, why should I initiate such a rule with him? I have already stopped contacting him, because looking like a desperate fool is not really my bag, no matter how much I want to talk to him & wish things were different, want him back, etc. I realize there's a chance he could reach out to me eventually, or try to show up, ask for his things back, etc. But do I really need to reach out, without prior context, just to tell him "Hey, I won't be contacting you for a while & I'd appreciate it if you could do the same"? Just feels foolish, considering he's made it obvious he doesn't want to talk to me right now. This only happened a few days ago & this is not my first rodeo but of course it's breaking me emotionally though I'm trying to handle it the best I can by not contacting him & trying to return to what I knew before him. I wish I could Eternal Sunshine the relationship because it's very painful right now being without him, but it's just not possible to erase or fast forward through the pain so I'm just doing it, though it gets harder every day instead of easier. People say the nights are hardest after a break up but for me, it's the mornings. There is no pain I feel at night that I haven't already felt during the day. It's the mornings, when I wake up from dream land & my brain has reset itself, that I remember he's no longer in my life & I start crying all over again. I hate this part, the trying to get over it, but I know I will get through it because I always do. As much as I (delusionally) want him back I know I'd just be spinning my wheels, trying to make a man love me who can't even love himself, and always being the loser in the end. I know it won't work, it's just hard always remembering a time when things seemed perfect, when HE seemed perfect for me. Now I know I was deluded & I feel kind of sorry for him because, even though he now realizes he's emotionally unavailable, he has a long way to go in repairing that part of himself, but most likely he won't. But he is not my problem anymore, a fact I have to keep reminding myself every moment. I have gotten through many break ups but haven't felt this hurt by one in about 20 years. After he stopped replying to the couple calls & texts I initiated, I stopped & told myself he doesn't want me so just move on. It's so hard not talking to him. I'm friends with a few of my exes & I'm able to do that because once the healing window closes, I never look at them the same way again & I feel no threat of ever falling back into something with them. I'd like to be friends with him eventually but I don't know how long to wait to see if that's what he wants, too. (During our relationship we had talked about how we might handle a break up - would we want to be friends? Would we say hello in passing? Ignore? Never agreed on anything.) We work in the same building, but I never ran into him much before dating & right now I'll be off work a few more weeks due to an injury. I don't want to keep his stuff forever; it's out of sight in my closet but it's still there. How long should I wait before contacting him about coming to get his things, or dropping it off to him? Do I ever reach out to him to say hi or should I just try to forget he exists? Should I try to arrange to meet him with him to clear the air, apologize for the terrible things I said & formally acknowledge the break up & wish each other the best? I realize sometimes you just don't get the closure you want or need, but I'd like to know if it's worth trying for. I'm sorry my questions are jumbled up with the back story, it's been hard to focus lately. Thanks for listening.
Author Merriweather Posted March 30, 2017 Author Posted March 30, 2017 By the way, in case you're wondering what "horrible" things I said to him...among them were that I finally understand why his ex (mother to his kids) acts the way she does, because now I understand what he must have put her through. I also told him he should just sign away the kids to her because he doesn't really love them anyway & all he's good for with them is providing & making sure they do their homework & go to bed on time. (Throughout our relationship, I took on the role of sympathizing with him about the ex & trying to help him be a good dad, even though he didn't want the kids in the first place but takes responsibility [except emotionally, of course.]) So for me to say horrible stuff like this (even while inebriated) & repeatedly insult him was probably not the most attractive thing I could have done, to say the least. I wouldn't want to talk to me either. Surprised he responded the couple times he did.
Curiousroxy86 Posted March 30, 2017 Posted March 30, 2017 Breakups suck butt. They really do. Focus on your own wellbeing. Pleaaaaase. That being said. No. don't contact him. At all. Your still raw. You still mourning him. Just dont. Every time you think you miss him write down why y'all are broken up to shake you back in reality. Then go do something great for yourself. Rinse repeat. Date, do something pleasurable, hang out with friends.....do anything except waste time and headspace on someone that your not currently with. Good luck.
codest Posted March 30, 2017 Posted March 30, 2017 My GF did a similar thing a year ago. We didn't speak for 3.5 months, yet she kept waiting for me. Once I got back to her, we immediately reconciled, and she had her chance to apologize then. If you decide to let him go, do that ASAP. But if you still have hope, try to have some patience first. You man sounds reasonable and is worth the wait. You may want to read my entire post about the mistakes that both of you can hastily make, though: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/617752-anna-things-unsaid See if that helps.
Author Merriweather Posted March 31, 2017 Author Posted March 31, 2017 I left LoveShack for many years because I felt that people answering my threads about my break ups or general relationship problems were not as diplomatic as they could have been. I appreciated those who did have kind words, but mostly I felt belittled & stupid for the things I was going through & feeling, more often than not. So I left, stopped posting & stopped reading other posts as well. I have since developed a thicker skin & am no longer afraid of responses designed to toughen me up & tell me "like it is." In fact now I welcome it, as long as it's not outright insulting. Sometimes I read posts here that I can relate to & I think I know what to say, but I'm hesitant to answer. I don't like sugar coating my advice but I don't like hurting feelings unnecessarily either, so I've attempted a balance between being painfully honest, yet diplomatic. However, I'm still more of a lurker on LS now because I never unknowingly want to make anyone feel the way I felt all those years ago, coming here for advice & encouragement & going away feeling dumb & blind, like I should have known better. After coming back it seems like there are less rude people & trolls than there were when I was last here so I feel better about posting, even if I can see lots of people are viewing but not replying. Today I just need to get it out. Apologies in advance for the length, structure, or if it's in the wrong place. We got into an awful argument 6 days ago that served as the catalyst for our break up, which didn't even feel formal or official. (He took my keys off his key ring & hung them up but I put them back on his key ring when he wasn't looking, so I presume he still has them. Possibly doesn't realize.) That was one of the queues I took that it's over, though we talked a couple times in the next couple days after the argument, my initiation...idle chit-chat & such, nothing related to us as a couple, the argument, or the break up. He lent me something perishable the day after the argument which doesn't need to be returned to him, but I still have his stuff in my closet. Mostly clothes & things he can just replace & probably will. (I would be extremely surprised if he ever asked for them back.) My last text to him, 4 or 5 days ago, was read but ignored. I haven't contacted him since then & he hasn't either. No matter how I feel, I'm not going to play the role of the desperate, begging, clingy ex gf, which only serves to show people that their decision to leave was on point. He has not removed me from Instagram or blocked me from seeing his, I imagine partially because he doesn't look at it often enough to care. He may choose to ignore people, but he isn't the type to block them. In my mind you have to care first, to make such a choice. In my mind, he doesn't care. This is what I have been telling myself since we broke up...that he just...doesn't...care. I infer this from his actions; from his ignoring my last texts & calls, not reaching out to see how I'm doing, etc. I get it, some people roll like that & when they're done, they're done. They can turn off the switch quickly. (Yay for them.) This is how I choose to see thing. Though in reality I have no idea what he's really thinking or feeling about it (if he is at all), I feel it's the only way to not have hope or expectations about contact or reconciliation. In my mind, the only way for me to stop pining, whining, & caring is to accept that he probably doesn't care. My self esteem has made some progress over the years, so I refuse to go on caring for someone who doesn't care back. There is just no point. Right now it's a waiting game...how long before I fully accept circumstances & let it go, stop thinking about it so much or at all. Looking back, it seems like that period is getting shorter & shorter with each separate break up, because the constant marquee in my head now reads "I am too old for this sh*t." But at the onset, when it's still new & raw, I remain stuck for a while. Lots of people say it takes half the length of the relationship to get over someone. I sure hope not, damn. That hasn't always been true for me, matter of fact hardly ever...but usually only because I get involved with someone else who distracts me. It's an unhealthy mind trick but it's the only thing that has gotten me through a prolonged healing period after a split, because they are too ugly & painful to bear. Sometimes you just want to vomit because you feel so sick from it. I've been through what feels like a thousand break ups, but it never seems to get any easier. Always the thought comes around to who the next one will be, will he be better or worse, will I be strong & smart enough to wise up to any red flags next time, etc. The only thing that makes this one any easier at all is the knowledge that I'll get through it eventually, because I have gotten through it before, however hard it was. Each time I've had to learn how to live again, how to open up again, how to trust again, how to love again. To risk all that comes with opening your heart to someone new, with the hope that this one will protect it instead of trampling on it or walking away from the huge amount of love that emanates from it. I'm starting to feel like the damn Giving Tree in that childrens book by Shel Silverstein's book. Each time I grow back strong & tall, only to get cut down to a stump again like in the book, after I've given my all & people just take it & leave me in pieces by the end. A friend recently told me that I never make guys earn my love, that by giving too much of myself I don't command respect from them. It's hard to get my head around that, since I don't feel you should have to play games with people you care about & keep them at arm's length just to win their respect & love. Taking longer than usual to answer their calls or texts...not doing things for them that they need...pretending I'm busy & can't hang out with them just to make them wonder what I'm so busy doing or that I have more of a life than I do...that stuff is so not me. I've made slight attempts at these types of maneuvers in the past & while it's not difficult to execute, it makes me feel like a manipulative jerk. I don't feel I should have to be "that" type of girl to make people want, respect & love me. I have mixed feelings about the No Contact rule; it too feels like a bit of game playing to an extent. I understand its true premise; it's a healing tool meant to keep you out of the cycle of having your emotions well up again & wounds open up that you're trying to close. I get that. What I don't get or like is the idea some people have that you should use it to make your ex want you back or wonder what you're doing & why you're ignoring them or not reaching out. On the .05% chance my ex were actually employing this as a tactic for that reason, it has backfired. Sure, I had the usual feelings about being out of contact with someone I talked to every single day for a year without fail...how can he just leave like that after the future we talked about...cut me off...not wonder how I'm doing, not reach out, etc. But the lack of contact is no longer making me crazy, if anything it's providing clarity & the step back that I need. I no longer wonder much about the lack of contact between us now because I assume he just doesn't care. It's just easier for me, to be honest. Unfortunately I made the choice to date a co-worker (him), so eventually I will have to see him at some point, though not at close range...just the chance of running into him somewhere in the building in passing. I've been off work a few months due to an injury but am due to return in May. I have mixed feelings because I have been wanting to return to work really bad but when I do I will inevitably see him there. By the time I return I'm hoping that I won't feel like running away from him or hiding if I do see him around. I have an uncanny ability to stay friends with exes while retaining healthy boundaries, because when I'm truly over someone & no longer feel hurt by anything they have done or do, I'm just done, I never feel the same about them again. No physical attraction or desire to sleep with them or re-involve myself romantically with them. It's my ego's way of protecting myself, I think - after a while I just disconnect & the romantic desire for them dissipates. The switch goes off, so to speak. (Doesn't happen right away for me.) I told him about this part of me from day one, always told him to never break up with me impulsively because once the window of healing closes, the opportunity to reconcile is gone. For me personally, purposely avoiding exes feels like carrying a heavy stone around in my heart. I forgive & move on eventually & can even laugh with them later about the good & bad parts from when we were together, without feeling one way or the other about it. During my time with this recent ex, we pondered whether or not we'd want to stay friends if we ever broke up. Whether we'd say hi, talk about the weather, or avoid, etc. Just idle talk, nothing we made a hard decision about. I don't know if he wants to have a friendship with me at some point, regardless of how often the contact would be. Pretty sure he won't avoid me in passing because he's an outgoing, friendly guy who says hi to everyone. Last night I drove aimlessly for 2 hours, only knowing the one (long) street I was on, but not the cities. I didn't care. For 2 hours I had a lump in my throat, that sick feeling in my stomach. (No urge to drive off the road or anything, just major emotional nausea.) What's hard about heartbreak at night is that you can't wear shades to hide that you're crying. I tried not to cry as I drove. I tried to put on a brave face as I blasted my emo songs on repeat with my windows closed. I try not to think too hard on how our mutual friend, who has known him much longer than me, tells me I just need to let him cool off & that we both just need time apart. (Said friend also says my ex has been noticeably moody at work to the point other people are noticing & that he has been going out drinking. My ex has ongoing stressful issues with his prior ex, mother of his kids, so I tell myself he's probably just moody because of her & that situation, not because we broke up or anything regarding me.) I try not think about the sex or how good it felt to be around him. I try not to wonder what he's doing, how he's feeling, if he's ok, if he's thinking about me. Is he wearing his glasses when he drives at night? Is he driving home drunk?? Has his back been bothering him lately? I tell myself that none of that matters now, because he's no longer my problem & from what I infer, he's done with me, as he hasn't contacted me at all. My dad says my ex is processing this as well... but I refuse to entertain that thought, as my belief is that I can get through this faster if I just acknowledge that he dumped me, The End, he's not hurting so why should I, just move on already, blah blah blah. All the the things we tell ourselves to try to feel better. This morning I wrote a list of all things big & small that ever bothered me about him, regardless of whether I thought I could live with them or not. But there was no WOW moment. Looking over the list didn't make me think to myself Damn girlfriend, good thing you guys are not together anymore. I was disappointed. It's hard to deal with break ups on a logical level since there is so much emotion involved, but part of me is trying to, because my brain believes that's the only way I can deal with it without becoming a bloody mess for all the world to see. Presently, I'm trying to figure out exactly what part of this break up hurts the most so I can address, process, deal, instead of feeling like I'm in an endless vortex of What Ifs & Why Nots. I don't want to rehash every little "wrong move" on either of our parts, every little thing that we could have done differently. It is what is is as they say...you can't unring a bell or take hurtful things back that were said or done. At the same time you can't lock a relationship you cherished in a box & put it in the closet to be dealt with later or not at all (well...maybe people like him can. People like me with real, raw emotions can't do that, try as we might.) I don't think relationship concepts like No Contact, even occur to him. I could be making incorrect assumptions, but mine is that he's done talking to me, period. No process behind it, no hurting like a wounded animal like everyone else on here including me...he's just done. Regardless of what may or may not be the case, that's how I feel. Starting to think that's how dismissive/avoidants do it. They handle their sh*t by not handling it at all, because it's easier to handle a problem if it isn't a problem to them in the first place. I envy people like him who can just stuff their emotions down til they don't matter at all, who learn to not even let emotions crop up in their consciousness to hurt them. Emotional numbness sounds ideal in theory as a protection mechanism, but I know it's extremely unhealthy. It's not good for the person stuffing it down, nor for the people they hurt with their indifference. This is most likely a disorder he has, something that would have kept us from being a successful relationship, had we continued. I admit I do too much "armchair psychology" & googling; because of this I came to the conclusion that he is a dismissive/avoidant & emotionally unavailable. I mentioned him being EU to him before we broke up & he looked it up & said he didn't even realize it but it sounds like he is. But I seriously doubt he will ever do anything about it. As much as I love him, in the end I will come to realize that as much as he liked me, he probably didn't love me & can't love anyone in his current state. Eventually I will stop taking it personally because I know that I did a stellar job as a gf, probably better than ever before with anyone. Considering all our pooled circumstances (some of which are not on the table here on LS) I had a lot of patience & tolerance & optimism that things would work for us, because he was that worth it to me, which has been rare. I thought I had finally met The One. After numerous failed relationships, this breakup hurts the most because I haven't truly thought someone was The One since I was 18. (I'm 42 now.) Eventually I will probably think that I dodged a bullet, though I'll always wish the best for him & never wish any harm to him. However, that moment hasn't come for me yet so I remain stuck in my head. Pouring my thoughts & feelings out in a jumbled mess out here on a public internet forum. I wish I could deal with things differently. I wish I could forget & move on. But things don't work that way for people like me. My heart is in shards, but I hope to pick it back up off the floor & piece it back together soon. I am just way too old for this sh*t.
Author Merriweather Posted April 2, 2017 Author Posted April 2, 2017 I've stopped missing him so much because my anger won't let me remember the good times or good things about him without an immediate rush of accompanying anger that he threw it all away with me. I no longer wonder why he hasn't contacted me, why it seems like he doesn't care. I tell myself none of that matters now because it's over. I've pretty much stopped expecting him to come in the door at any moment, stopped wagging my tail every time I hear a car door close outside, stopped seeing him in my house everywhere I look. There are no updates to my breakup as it's been a week & no contact from either side. (Him, most likely because he's just done, me because I refuse to look desperate.) Why is it that nothing people tell you to do seems to work after a breakup? I've forced myself to get out of the house & then all I do is start feeling anxious & want to come back home. I went out to a friend's house who lives pretty far to hang out & spend the night, but I ended up driving home at 2am after a few hours, because I just wanted to come home & not be around people. Yesterday I went shoe shopping by myself to try to feel better, but same thing - I managed to get a couple things but I beat it out of the store to come home. (Being home is hard too, it's a constant reminder that I'm alone now without him.) I'm on painkillers for an injury I had in 2015 & it seems to help my emotional pain too (not advocating anyone try it on purpose). After I take my dose, I perk up a little and things don't seem so bad. I even start feeling glad it's over. But once they wear off, I feel a bit lost again...angry, sad, stupid, blind. The nights are ok now but every morning it's the same thing. I wake up alone, remembering we broke up, and sad. For me, misery follows me wherever I go, whatever I do. Nothing takes my mind off what happened. I can't stand this yo-yo cycle of feeling ok about what happened for a few hours ("F him anyway!") and then the ugly, sad feelings start creeping up again. Like I'm trying to lie to myself to feel better. Wish I could just go into a stage of grieving and stick with it until it's done. Is this common, or am I just hard-headed emotionally?
codest Posted April 3, 2017 Posted April 3, 2017 I've stopped missing him so much because my anger won't let me remember the good times or good things about him without an immediate rush of accompanying anger that he threw it all away with me. I no longer wonder why he hasn't contacted me, why it seems like he doesn't care. I tell myself none of that matters now because it's over. I've pretty much stopped expecting him to come in the door at any moment, stopped wagging my tail every time I hear a car door close outside, stopped seeing him in my house everywhere I look. I'd say it is a blessing in some way. I wish I could become angry with my ex-GF. But I just can't, no matter how hard I try. If I could, that would make things easier for me. There are no updates to my breakup as it's been a week & no contact from either side. (Him, most likely because he's just done, me because I refuse to look desperate.) Why is it that nothing people tell you to do seems to work after a breakup? I've forced myself to get out of the house & then all I do is start feeling anxious & want to come back home. I went out to a friend's house who lives pretty far to hang out & spend the night, but I ended up driving home at 2am after a few hours, because I just wanted to come home & not be around people. Yesterday I went shoe shopping by myself to try to feel better, but same thing - I managed to get a couple things but I beat it out of the store to come home. (Being home is hard too, it's a constant reminder that I'm alone now without him.) I'm on painkillers for an injury I had in 2015 & it seems to help my emotional pain too (not advocating anyone try it on purpose). After I take my dose, I perk up a little and things don't seem so bad. I even start feeling glad it's over. But once they wear off, I feel a bit lost again...angry, sad, stupid, blind. The nights are ok now but every morning it's the same thing. I wake up alone, remembering we broke up, and sad. For me, misery follows me wherever I go, whatever I do. Nothing takes my mind off what happened. I can't stand this yo-yo cycle of feeling ok about what happened for a few hours ("F him anyway!") and then the ugly, sad feelings start creeping up again. Like I'm trying to lie to myself to feel better. Wish I could just go into a stage of grieving and stick with it until it's done. Is this common, or am I just hard-headed emotionally? It's the same way for me. I guess it is just too early. Things are supposed to get easier the more you try and distract yourself, but flashbacks are going to be there for a long time. It's hard, but it also shows what deep feelings you are capable of, and that's a very good thing, don't you agree?
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