Anna. Things unsaid.

[codest]

Hello!

 

Why am I writing this? I don’t know. Some say in such situations it helps to write a journal. I am writing a confession. Or, maybe, a warning to others. Or giving the others a reason to kill time. Well, if you get bored, just stop reading and move on.

 

Who am I, you may wonder? I am an average looking guy, now 48 years of age. I happen to be Russian, but I lived almost half of my life in the USA. I have a decent job and decent income, been married 2 times, and both times divorced on my own initiative. No children. I am also an introvert and, thus, rather antisocial.

 

I am calm and, probably, wise. If not, then at least practical and reasonable. Yet I managed to f**k up my life in a worst possible way, or so it now seems.

 

It started almost 4 years ago. After a long period of absence, I went to Russia to visit my family. I have 2 wonderful cousins living there; both are girls nearly 20 years younger than me. That’s when I first met Anna, the closest friend of my older cousin, Lena.

 

I saw Anna only once during my visit, and did not think of her much. She is the same age as Lena. (19 years younger than me, to be exact.) Lena and Anna managed to start and develop a small IT company on their own, which had been doing quite well considering its size, at least by Russian standards. The three of us went out, had some time to chat and socialize, but nothing more. I was married back then, and Anna had a boyfriend of her own. Even if I happened to take any interest in her, nothing could have happened, as I am not up to extramarital affairs or, God forbid, infidelity. Yet, as I later discovered, Anna liked me dearly right from the start and was thinking of me ever since.

 

Things happened only 2 years later, though. My second marriage was falling apart (again, no infidelity involved from either side), and I was frequently bringing up the topic of divorce with my ex. Mostly, due to fact that I didn’t not like who I had become during the course of my marriage. I won’t go into details about that.

 

This time Lena invited me to her wedding in the middle of summer. That happened on a rather short notice. I flew to Russia only for a few days, as my vacation pool at work was nearly exhausted by then.

 

Before the wedding Lena surprised me: she said that Anna was interested in me. Indeed, during the reception, Anna was all over me, and that memorable evening was really wonderful. We had a chance to talk and dance, even though Anna had a bit too much to drink at the end.

 

A day or two later, we spent a few hours together. Anna was driving me around the city; we went to a restaurant and had lots of time to talk. I started to like her: she was witty, funny, and driving her car like a race driver. She was not particularly pretty, but she was cute as hell. Bushy hear, with both her body and her face being cat-like. As far as I was concerned, she had tremendous sex appeal. She also told me that she dreamed of getting a motorcycle, a real “crotch rocket”, which she would ride wearing a black outfit and a helmet with cat ears. I could totally picture that.

 

The same day, she sincerely told me about herself and the relationships she had gone through. She was living with her college sweetheart for 6 years, but they eventually split. Then she had a 3-year relationship with another guy, who was involved with drugs somehow. She hoped for the better, but he finally left her, when he found out that he impregnated another woman. Anna was heartbroken, but got over that at some point.

 

We didn’t do anything intimate, as I was still married, not even kissed each other once, and a couple days later I flew back home. I still didn’t think of her as a potential soulmate, but she emailed me almost immediately, and we soon started to correspond.

 

Our communication really picked up, and pretty soon I realized that I wanted to be with her, and initiated a divorce. She was “the last straw” that I had been waiting for, I guess. I had my reservations about our age difference (19 years), but Anna assured me that this was not going to be an issue. Her parents were in a similar situation, yet lived happily, and Anna was born very late. Some say that such relationships would not last, but you got to take into account that Russians are generally different in that regard from the rest of the world. Russian women are more “homey” and not really afraid to have husbands who are considerably older. They are less independent than Western women, and often make family a priority.

 

Then came the end of that summer. Our daily correspondence became very intimate, we got to really know each other. As it turned out, we had a lot in common. We both shared our love of books, movies, music, nature, computer games and even technology in general. We felt like we had known each other all our lives. We were constantly exchanging photographs, and even started writing our own fantasy story, about our love and how such a long distance between us would eventually disappear. The story soon went on for the whole 14 chapters, and was not yet finished.

 

Meanwhile, things on my end were not going too well. The divorce turned out to be harder than I expected. My ex was furious, resistant and not at all cooperating. Still, I continued with the proceedings as planned, and the final date was set for December later that year.

 

Before finalizing everything, I decided to go back to Russia to see Anna. My only option was the Thanksgiving week, as I managed to earn 3 extra vacation days by working on Saturdays. A week before my trip, my ex suddenly attacked me to the point I had to call the police. No one was charged, though, due to lack of evidence. Therefore, I went to Russia as planned.

 

That was a really happy time. Anna was with me every moment, we were having lots of intimacy and just could not have enough of each other. We both got very sad when it was time for me to fly back to the US. During our last night, we talked about bringing Anna over and about the whole immigration process. I also mentioned that we would get a prenuptial contract before getting married, as I was not a young guy anymore, and our financial positions were considerably different. Anna seemed to understand the whole thing and did not argue with that. She herself was a hard-working woman.

 

When I got back, I faced an unexpected problem, however. My divorce could not be finalized in December; some documents were not ready; also, our attorney got extremely busy with other matters towards the end of the year.

 

When I told Anna about those complications, she, to my great surprise, became furious. She said that she could not stand the idea that I was still living with my wife under the same roof, and that I intentionally stalled the divorce process, despite my earlier promises. She demanded that I make my wife move out to an apartment. I kept telling her that any divorce in the USA, as well as the whole legal system, can be extremely complicated, and demanding something like that, especially when dividing the property, would only lead to a potential disaster. That whole argument became our first serious row. I even suggested that we stop communicating for a while, as I was afraid that my problems would affect Anna in a negative way. Still, we managed to reconcile and went on as before.

 

Then the New Year came. Because my cousin Lena was Anna’s closest friend, Anna always really liked my family, too. She celebrated the New Year’s Eve with my family and was very happy when I called that night to congratulate everyone. (Keep in mind that New Year’s Eve is the main celebration in Russia during winter, as Christmas is celebrated on January 7, according to the old calendar that the Orthodox Church still follows.)

 

Things were going well between us, despite the hostile situation that I had to deal with at home. Anna kept asking me about visiting her again, yet I could not promise her anything, as I was not sure when my divorce would be finalized. I was leaning towards going to back Russia around April or May, but was not sure.

 

Then after about 3 weeks into January, my wife came home drunk and attacked me again. This time the police arrested her, and she was forced by the court to move out. Anna, as it seemed, was deeply worried about me, but a few days later, we again had an argument, caused by her impatience. This time I was not so agreeable, and decided to stop communicating with her. My whole situation seemed to had gotten out of hand, and I wanted the divorce proceedings to end, but could no longer stand all the arguing, nagging and blame. I got so mad at Anna that I asked her not to contact me anymore. My brain got really overloaded, and simply there was no place left for love. Anna wrote back to me, but I did not respond.

 

Soon, Lena started to write to me from time to time. She kept saying that Anna was in a very bad shape, that she greatly missed me and that I had to do something about it. Yet I remained firm and insisted that I no longer had any plans regarding Anna. I think I secretly hoped for the whole thing to die on its own.

 

Meanwhile, I was very busy with my work and my divorce. The decree was finally entered in March, solving at least one huge problem for me. Then I started thinking about going back to Russia to see my family, but not really hoping to do anything with Anna.

 

I came in May. All of my family started to insist that I contact Anna, as she was still waiting for me. After a few days of hiatus, I texted her. She responded immediately, but came across as very cold. Knowing that she is an extremely proud girl, I apologized for bothering her. She called me back immediately. After a short talk, she drove up to our house. I got in her car, and, in her usual “race driver” mode, she drove me to the outskirts of the city. There was one special spot which she always cherished and where we had our very first sincere talk almost a year before.

 

While getting there, she remained cold and distant. I did not know what to do at first, but then said that I absolutely cannot stand any heated arguments, caused by her hysterics, that our last row back in January was a breaking point for me and that I could not be with a girl who routinely allows for such things to happen. Anna did not respond, but soon started to sob quietly. I looked at her and added that I had terribly missed her all this time, which was, of course, true. Then we immediately embraced each other…

 

The rest of my vacation we spent as before. Lots of intimacy, lots of talking, lots of going places. Anna took me to her little village house where she spent most of her childhood. She drove me around, showing me every place she liked and remembered. We were both happy once again. What also surprised me was the fact that, while she was waiting for me, she started talking English lessons. Her English was considerably good, at least for a Russian girl. In addition, I insisted previously that we chat online in English, and we often did.

 

Then finally, came the time for me to leave once again. Anna drove me to the airport. She was very sad. After I returned home, we continued to stay in touch all the time, like our breakup had never happened. I really started to miss her all over again.

 

After about a week, I resumed the talk about her coming over and marrying me. Anna was very glad, yet seemed uneasy. I told her that moving to another country is a lot harder that it might seem at first, that she was bound to experience a culture shock and, maybe, even get depressed for a while. In addition, while waiting for her immigration status to be finalized, she could be barred from freely leaving the country and coming back, should anything happen to her parents. All of that came from my own experience. At the very least, I said, she could return to Russia when her 3-month visa expires, should the things get unbearably hard for her in the USA. She got worried somewhat, but still agreed to come over. I contacted the INS, and then explained to her which forms she needed to fill out and mail to me. She did. Along with the forms, she send a very sincere handwritten note about how much she loved me. On my end, I started to gather all of the necessary documents as well. I also explained to her that, before coming over, she needed to really brush up her English. Once she was in the US, I said, she would need to take at least one semester full time, studying the language at the advanced level and then be done with it for good; for that she needed to be fully prepared while still remaining in Russia.

 

It was July already. As I had some vacation time left, I suggested that we should spend some time together in one of the capital cities in Europe, most likely, in August. Anna gladly agreed, and we booked our vacation shortly.

 

A few days later, however, I realized that she completely abandoned her language studies. I must confess that over the course of my last marriage I became extremely pushy, agitated and controlling. Such were the circumstances of my past life, and I started to hate the person I was becoming. Thus the divorce. Being fully aware of such a dangerous legacy, I decided to be very gentle and careful with Anna. When I called her and asked about her abandoned studies, Anna gave me an elusive answer. She could not explain her reasons very well, but suddenly got very agitated herself. At first, she blamed her language school and the lack of practice available there. Then she started to blame me for not helping her, but only demanding something. I remained calm and tried to explain that, in order for me to help her, all she needed was desire to study. Then she could have gotten any help she wanted from me. Still, she continued her “blame game”, and things got out of control very quickly. She got hysterical once more. After trying unsuccessfully to calm her down, I finally hung up. Soon, Anna wrote a very angry letter to me, saying that she had been very forgiving so far and willing to abandon completely her previous life and her parents for sake of living with me in another hemisphere, yet I was very unfair and demanding and so on.

 

That letter dumbfounded me. A day later, I wrote her back, saying that there must be two Annas in this world: there was Anna #1, a great talented girl, smart and real fun to be with; and then there was Anna #2, on the other hand, who was not so smart, could not be reasoned with and also liked to blame everyone around her. Then I added that, while I wanted to be with Anna #1 more than anything, Anna #2 would make it impossible.

 

She soon responded that, similarly, there must be two sides of me as well. I cannot say that her reasoning was fair, but I decided not to argue. A few days passed in silence, but our vacation in Europe was approaching rapidly. I felt that it would be unfair to let some stupid argument to get in the way of our plans, and asked Anna when her flight lands and where I should meet her. She responded, acting utterly surprised, but once again, we reconciled. A few days later, I met her in Europe with a red rose in my hand. We were together again.

 

Those days in Europe were as happy as they get. We enjoyed every moment there, we walked and travelled around. We were gentle with each other. While walking the streets, Anna would frequently give me an incredibly loving cat-like look, prompting me to kiss her over and over again, in a plain view of the crowd around us. Yet, despite being such a happy moment, I now consider those short bright days to be the worst in our story, and this is why: we were loving each other like no one before, but both of us somehow chose not to discuss anything about us or our future.

 

Now I know that we should have talked seriously during that week, just to come to some agreement. Yet we didn’t. And that was a huge, huge mistake.

 

Soon, each of us returned home, and we were still communicating constantly, same as before. Yet, as you have, probably, guessed, I did not send anything to the INS. I was simply hoping that Anna would understand that she needed to study and try to fix things on her end, putting that argument behind us. But she never did, and I didn’t bring up that topic again. That is when I started to feel hopeless and numb.

 

Two months passed; Halloween was approaching. I was feeling less and less interested in Anna, yet continued our daily chats, exchanging pictures, drawings and songs with her. She sent me some incredibly cute photos of her taken when she was a little kid, then some photos from her Halloween party with my cousins.

 

We usually had long talks over the phone on weekends. However, this time, I was not up to it, and Anna got really upset. She wrote me a message saying that things seemed to be going downhill, that I was being distant. She also said that she could understand my troubles, but did not know how to fix things between us anymore. Finally, she said that she was feeling very lonely and very bad. Again, I did not pay much attention to all that and simply responded, “do not be sad, please”. She did not answer. That was the last Sunday of October.

 

Over the next couple of days, I sent her some Halloween photos from my workplace, yet she remained silent. “So be it,” I thought and decided to move on with my everyday life.

 

During November and December, I did not think at all about Anna. I visited another large city during the week of Thanksgiving, just because I always wanted to go there. Yet I was thinking about myself and my life all the time.

 

After the New Year’s things remained the same. But in the middle of January I suddenly realized how badly I missed Anna. I sent her a couple of messages, but got no answer. Then I waited again.

 

Towards the end of the month, I started looking her up around the Internet, on social media. All of her accounts and posts came up as deleted. All except one. When I opened that page, the world around me exploded and collapsed at the same time: there was my Anna, with a usual slightly crooked smile on her full sensual lips; the smile that I learned to love so much over the last year. Yet she was not alone: she was hugging some other guy. The guy was young and happy. Moreover, he was living not in Russia, but in one of the countries in Europe. Yet the thing that knocked me out almost completely was that the guy had... my first and last name. Literally mine. Letter to letter.

 

WHAT THE F**K??

 

For some moments, I ceased to exist. Only an ephemeral phantom remained behind, and that phantom kept staring at the screen in utter disbelief. Anna, that adorable, loving and lovable creature, who I considered a part of me by now, was with someone else, someone bearing my name.

 

IS THIS A JOKE?

 

Hardly. The pictures were dated around the New Year's time, i.e., they were almost a month old. In other words, they were taken only about two months after she and I had stopped communicating. Which meant that she managed to get involved with the guy remotely and even visit him in Europe over an extremely short period of time.

 

OH, S**T!

 

The next morning I realized that I should have called Lena first to find out the details. But in those long moments I completely lost it. Trying to come to my senses, I got drunk. I could not understand how any of that was possible. The only conclusion I was able to come to was that all this time Anna simply wanted to move to the West, no matter the costs and no matter where. And all of our story was just a game; a game to get me duped.

 

Then I did something outrageously stupid: I got back to my computer and contacted my "replacement" via his social page. He was online. When did you guys meet? About three months ago. Check. Did she contact you first? Yep. Check. Didn't you find that strange? Well, a little, maybe. How old are you? 28. (God, that's 20 years younger than me!) Do you know who I am and what my name is? Yeah, she mentioned you in the beginning... Darn!

 

I then went on and on and spilled the details about our affair, and that Anna could not be trusted, and that she would readily “jump from one bed to another" just to reach her goal, and that my "replacement" was just another victim. He stopped responding and disconnected.

 

Next morning I realized what a terrible mistake I made and that jealousy clouded my judgement. I wrote to Anna to apologize for all the suffering she had experienced with me; I told her I how much I loved her, that I wanted her to be my wife and that I would do everything to make her happy. At the same time, if she considered our relationship to be truly over, all I asked of her was to let me know that, honestly and directly. There was no answer.

 

I was devastated, but I called Lena eventually. The story she told me was indeed different. From our vacation in Europe, Anna came practically devastated; she kept saying that I was no longer interested in her and she did not know what to do. After writing that sad message to me, Anna got extremely depressed. She imagined that I was in another relationship, and that's why things between us got so hopeless. Crying non-stop, she started chasing me around the Internet, hoping to find out the truth and whom I might be with. Of course, she didn't find anything, but by pure chance she came across a guy who had my name and rather randomly got in touch with him. Meanwhile, both of my cousins witnessed all that silently, but decided not to interfere, thinking that she had indeed been dumped by me, this time for good.

 

Anna started communicating with that guy, but her new relationship was not going well - the guy was insecure and immature; he always remained suspicious that Anna somehow was cheating on him; always demanded some proof of where she might be at any present moment, ("send me a photo of your surroundings and who you’re with" or “be at home by 8 o’clock, so I can see you via Skype”) and so on. In addition, at 28, he was still a student, living off his mother’s allowance in a university dorm, having no other income. Worst of all, his mother immediately turned hostile against Anna, as his family was not Russian, but came from a part of ex-Soviet Union that is now not on good terms with Russia. “Son, you should not have a Russian girlfriend! That would be unthinkable!”

 

Still, Anna got involved all the way, and after just 6 or 7 weeks of remote romance went to visit her new lover. She spent Christmas and New Year’s holidays with him, but came home depressed. Things did not go as well as she originally expected. The first thing she asked Lena upon coming back was whether I called my family on the New Year’s eve (I did) and whether I asked anything about Anna (I did not). “Well, let him pretend I don’t exists!” she blurted angrily. Again, Lena chose not to let me know about any of this.

 

To clarify, when I called my family on New Year’s Eve, I secretly hoped that Anna would be there, as she was a year before. However, she was not, and I did not ask anything about her; I don’t really know why. Probably, I was just not ready, or, maybe, afraid to find out something rather unpleasant about her. Or, maybe, I just felt guilty.

 

Yet her new romance continued, although it was following a rather rocky path now. As it turned out, by the time I found out about all this, she was already preparing to visit her new guy again, and this time to stay with him for whole three weeks. In fact, she received my first apologetic letter when she was at the airport, waiting for her flight. That was the last day of January. Yet she did not respond and moved on as planned.

 

I got on the phone with Lena again, asking for advice. She assured me that I had nothing to worry about, that I still had a chance. All I needed was to wait for Anna to return, come to Russia and propose to her. Her new relationship was bound to end, even though Anna was not realizing that fully yet. “She has no future with that guy!” Lena kept saying. “Just give her a little time to get over it. Yes, she’s been communicating with him in her usual “love” mode, as with you before, but they have been constantly arguing since the beginning and she is very unstable and furious now! She badmouths him every day when offline!”

 

I wrote to Anna once more, continuing my previous letter. I also apologized for what I wrote to her new lover. I said that I overreacted and that I knew that she was still desperately seeking me while hooking up with that guy. Again, silence. Then Lena got mad with Anna on her own. “She knows that you love her and she knows your intentions – she needs to come home and wait for you. But she is still there!” She was in touch with Anna all the time, but could not understand what was going on. “She should not behave this way; you do not deserve any of that!” Lena kept saying to me.

 

I chose to remain hopeful, but that February turned out to be the worst period of my life. I could not sleep, could not eat. I started smoking again, and that was a habit I gave up many years ago. I was thinking of Anna constantly and blaming myself for what happened. Waking up each morning was unbearably hard, as I had to go through the same realization over and over. I got borderline suicidal and started to embrace my .38. I could’ve pulled the trigger by now, if it was not for my family. I kept bugging Lena, asking for any news about Anna; she would tell me everything. I also kept asking Lena to have a serious talk with Anna about us, but only when she would come back home and only in person. “You are my only hope,” I kept saying. “You are her only real friend, and she trusts you!” So, we developed a little plan regarding what Lena should say to Anna and how. She would to remain calm and let Anna talk, and really try to understand her first.

 

Then there was a question of when I should fly to Russia. We decided to make it a surprise visit, so Anna would not succumb to her uncontrollable arrogance and try to avoid me just out of the matter of principle. Lena was thinking that I had to wait until at least the latter part of March, i.e., at least a month after Anna’s planned return date. “She is not doing well, she is depressed, she does not want anything or anyone now! She is really upset after reading what you wrote to that guy about her!” Such were Anna’s words that Lena relayed to me. “Don’t worry: she will come home emptyhanded and realize that she does not want to be with that guy anymore! But she will need some time to start wanting you back!” I reluctantly agreed. Then I sent a copy of my conversation with Anna’s new guy to Lena, just so she could see what I wrote him and how.

 

“Well, that’s pretty intelligent and not as bad as Anna told me,” Lena said. “She needs to realize that you had every right to jump to such a conclusion after what she did to you! Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with what you said!”

 

Then I got a sudden message from Anna. “Hello. I am asking you not to write to me anymore. I wish you to be happy.”

 

My heart sank, but something was not right. She did not say, “It’s over. I no longer love you.” Instead, this message came across as open-ended. So I chose to remain hopeful once more.

 

Meanwhile, Lena was getting angrier with Anna. “She drives me nuts! She is being unreasonable and irrational! I can no longer stand her behavior! She is suffering there, arguing with that guy all the time, but she is not coming home!”

 

The day before Anna was coming home, I got a few remarks from her new guy that he sent from his social network account. The messages were written as by a total punk. They were meant to insult me, but only showed what intellectual level that person had. That truly puzzled me: what could my Anna have in common with such a guy? Did he use the same language when talking to her, too? And, most importantly, if so, did she happen to like him after that? None of that made any sense.

 

By then, I was in a pretty bad shape, worse than ever. I understood that I could no longer wait and that I had to get a straight answer from Anna, no matter which one. “I will give her a few days after she gets back, but I cannot wait till the end of March; I really see no point in that.”

 

Lena agreed, and I started to make the necessary arrangements. Then I bought a one-carat engagement ring and, a few days later, I flew to Russia.

 

The whole thing felt like I was going to a funeral. I did not know what to think, or what to expect. All of my family gathered around me when I came; they told me many things about Anna that I did not know, some of them not pretty. They also told me how they tried to calm Anna down a year before: “The guy is going through a divorce, for God’s sake! Have some patience and give him some space!” Still, they were supportive and made sure I never remained alone.

 

Meanwhile, Lena had a chance to have a sincere talk with Anna. Unfortunately, she did not learn anything new. Anna was hopeful but unhappy with her new relationship, and she held a grudge against me at the same time. She kept communicating with that guy as before, alternating between being loving and all that online and extremely angry and irritated offline.

 

We planned for me to come over to the office to see Anna in two days after my arrival. That morning, we drove to the city and bought a nice large bouquet of roses for her. Then we drove to the office. As expected, Anna’s car was parked outside. Both of my cousins decided to give us some privacy and remained outside. “I feel like I am going to have a contact with some extraterrestrial entity,” I said before going in. “I really don’t know what to expect.”

 

Then I went inside.

 

Anna was there, alone. She was texting on her phone, of course. There was a brief moment of surprise, but she gathered herself together rather quickly. Then she finished typing on her phone and turned to me. A cold, steel look on her face.

 

“Hi,” I said, smiling, and handed over the bouquet to her. “How are you doing?”

 

“Everything is fine,” she replied, accepting the flowers. “Thank you.”

 

The same cold look.

 

I sat down in front of her. “Anna, my dear, I don’t want any arguments, and that’s not why I came. Also, please don’t blame the girls; I came here on my own initiative.”

 

Silence.

 

I tried to remain positive, smiling.

 

“I must say that I am very thankful for all your love. I know how hard all that has been for you. You won’t believe what you managed to accomplish, and how much you helped me to become myself again.”

 

Silence. The same eyes of steel piercing me.

 

“You need to remember that there is someone who loves you very much, and who is waiting for you. That someone who you wanted to be with for so long.”

 

No answer.

 

“I want you to ask for one thing… Please hold your breath for a minute and listen to your heart… And then tell me…” Here she started to shift uneasily, while I pulled the ring out of my pocket. “Will you marry me?”

 

“No,” she responded hastily. “I will not marry you.”

 

Again, silence.

 

“We are going to be happy, you know that?”

 

“No,” she said. “I’ve waited for you for months a year ago. And then I waited for months again.”

 

“I really needed those last months to come back to my senses, you know that?”

 

“You wrote that I jump from one bed to another.”

 

“I am sorry, but imagine that I did something like that to you instead? How would that make you feel? And what would you think of me after that?”

 

Silence. Piercing eyes. No answer.

 

Then she said, “I am probably going to regret my decision later.”

 

“Anna, do you still love me?”

 

She would not say “no.” Instead, she hesitated for a moment and replied, “I love another man.”

 

“Is that true?” I asked quietly.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Ok,” I said and smiled. Then I got up and walked out. My cousins drove me back to our house.

 

In a couple of days, I learned from Lena that Anna came home that evening and drank every bit of alcohol she could find in her apartment. She totally wasted herself, and spent the weekend fighting a severe hangover. She was feeling extremely sorry for herself and blamed the whole universe for being unfair to her. Also, she again mentioned that she was, probably, going to regret the decision she made. But not now. She was in a new relationship, and she didn’t want to back out of it. We did not know what to think about any of that, and could only speculate.

 

That was 2 weeks ago. Since then I returned to the US, and I am not feeling any better. That awful February is now spilling over into March. I learned from Lena that Anna has not asked about me once, and that she is leaving again in a few days to stay with her new guy for 2 weeks. Yet, in her own words, she feels “completely empty, rotten, and not at all hopeful.”

 

--

 

Such is my story. I am still not sure how I came to all this. The most obvious explanation is that things happened too fast, and my own problems badly affected our relationship with me realizing that too late. Being such a damaged person, I leaned towards overanalyzing everything, rather than following my heart and trying to make things work. In my last letters, I tried to explain all of that to Anna, yet she chose not to even try to understand. Lena, on the other hand, understood perfectly and insisted that I should not blame myself. I honestly don’t know what to think.

 

Some say that getting involved with such impatient and desperate girls is not a good idea. I would agree, but, at the same time, I was, and still am, willing to take that chance. After all, if you don’t give something a try, you won’t know for sure.

Edited March 20, 2017 by codest

[VeveCakes]

Well that is quite the story.

 

It never was going to have a happy ending. You never gave yourself time to heal from your divorce. You rebounded with an unstable person. Both of your actions should have had the red flags waiving.

 

Regardless of what she says to Lena about her new man, her actions speak otherwise.

 

Her saying no is a gift to you. This relationship is a relationship that never should have happened.

 

I think you both need time alone and also to see a therapist. Ask yourself why you are so upset about someone that you didn't even seem that interested in while you were dating in the first place.

 

There is a lot more out there for you than this, but please take the time to be alone and self reflect about this whole situation.

[Dtrain2EtOWN]

I could only read 1/4 and then skimmed the balance.

 

I am indulging myself by responding to a post that got 52 opens and no responses. I just cracked my own code a couple of months ago. Took me nearly half a century.

 

Boils down to why I got nothing I wanted but still thoroughly enjoyed the ride.

 

Just enjoy the ride if you have that option. Patterns period.

 

Too many layers and not enough time.

[TheTraveler]

This time I was not so agreeable, and decided to stop communicating with her. My whole situation seemed to had gotten out of hand, and I wanted the divorce proceedings to end, but could no longer stand all the arguing, nagging and blame. I got so mad at Anna that I asked her not to contact me anymore. My brain got really overloaded, and simply there was no place left for love. Anna wrote back to me, but I did not respond.

 

Soon, Lena started to write to me from time to time. She kept saying that Anna was in a very bad shape, that she greatly missed me and that I had to do something about it. Yet I remained firm and insisted that I no longer had any plans regarding Anna. I think I secretly hoped for the whole thing to die on its own.

 

This is where you threw a massive wrench in the situation and it all went downhill from here.

 

Also, you or your ex wife should've moved out long ago. Even if it's the dumpiest of dump apartment and that's all you could afford.

 

GL to the rest of your life

 

[codest]

Her saying no is a gift to you. This relationship is a relationship that never should have happened.

 

Yes, you're probably right. Thank you!

[justwhoiam]

The embodiment of the typical Russian drama, directly descending from the great classic Russian literature.

 

I'd vote for a Gogol'-type ending, rather than Tolstoy's. Give up the gun. Start dating again. Let the funny, awkward moments roll out, or you'll end up like The Double.

[codest]

The embodiment of the typical Russian drama, directly descending from the great classic Russian literature.

 

I'd vote for a Gogol'-type ending, rather than Tolstoy's. Give up the gun. Start dating again. Let the funny, awkward moments roll out, or you'll end up like The Double.

 

This is brilliant!

[Chilli]

Yep, l'd let it go too.

to me it very much seems like one of those things that just doesn't wanna happen.

 

l dunno about anyone else but me l find if l keep at something that doesn't wanna happen l usually regret it in the end and find out why the hard way.

[codest]

Her saying no is a gift to you. This relationship is a relationship that never should have happened.

 

I keep coming back to this notion over and over, thank you!

Edited March 27, 2017 by codest

[Gr8fuln2020]

Some say that getting involved with such impatient and desperate girls is not a good idea. I would agree, but, at the same time, I was, and still am, willing to take that chance. After all, if you don’t give something a try, you won’t know for sure.

 

I am with you on this, my friend. I made the same mistake and it cost HER big! For me, it just reminded me of the reason(s) why I've had a pretty fricken' good life. I was and am sensible, have my poop together and know the difference between healthy and not.

 

I made the mistake of getting involved with a woman who had plenty of yellow and red flags attached to her, but I thought I was better than all that. That I could overcome and come swooping in to dismiss all that signs. Egad, I was wrong.

 

Yeah, the whole notion of trying, otherwise, is a romantic idea. It happens, but far too often it leads to failure. There are reasons why there are signs, red, yellow flags. They are indicators of what you will likely see.

 

Live and learn. Live and learn.

[ashy555]

The way i see it. You tried your best to get her back. You even went as far as flying back to Russia and proposing to her. You can't do much more than that. This woman to put it frankly, sounds very unstable. You have done literally all you can. I think she will most likely regret it sometime in the near future. That is her problem. Please just take comfort in the fact that you did all you could and you finally have your answer.

 

Now it is time to heal and move on with your life. Work on yourself and your own well being. Take up meditation and yoga. Go hiking. Go to meetup groups and meet new people. It's time to enjoy the little things in life and appreciate the one you have been given. Travel a little if you can find the time. Things WILL get better. They always do. You just need to give it time

 

It may even help to see a therapist!

 

Wish you the best of luck!

[codest]

Yeah, the whole notion of trying, otherwise, is a romantic idea. It happens, but far too often it leads to failure. There are reasons why there are signs, red, yellow flags. They are indicators of what you will likely see.

 

Thank you! I often ask myself how skewed human nature could become to allow for something like happen. I know that I am going to get through with all this eventually, but if by some mad chance she escapes her current rebound and crawls back to me, I may not be able to resist. At least, that is the way I see it now. Yet time will change that stance of mine, of course.

[Chilli]

l think you'll hear from her again, but you'll be with someone else by then.

[coolheadal]

Hello!

 

Why am I writing this? I don’t know. Some say in such situations it helps to write a journal. I am writing a confession. Or, maybe, a warning to others. Or giving the others a reason to kill time. Well, if you get bored, just stop reading and move on.

 

Who am I, you may wonder? I am an average looking guy, now 48 years of age. I happen to be Russian, but I lived almost half of my life in the USA. I have a decent job and decent income, been married 2 times, and both times divorced on my own initiative. No children. I am also an introvert and, thus, rather antisocial.

 

I am calm and, probably, wise. If not, then at least practical and reasonable. Yet I managed to f**k up my life in a worst possible way, or so it now seems.

 

It started almost 4 years ago. After a long period of absence, I went to Russia to visit my family. I have 2 wonderful cousins living there; both are girls nearly 20 years younger than me. That’s when I first met Anna, the closest friend of my older cousin, Lena.

 

I saw Anna only once during my visit, and did not think of her much. She is the same age as Lena. (19 years younger than me, to be exact.) Lena and Anna managed to start and develop a small IT company on their own, which had been doing quite well considering its size, at least by Russian standards. The three of us went out, had some time to chat and socialize, but nothing more. I was married back then, and Anna had a boyfriend of her own. Even if I happened to take any interest in her, nothing could have happened, as I am not up to extramarital affairs or, God forbid, infidelity. Yet, as I later discovered, Anna liked me dearly right from the start and was thinking of me ever since.

 

Things happened only 2 years later, though. My second marriage was falling apart (again, no infidelity involved from either side), and I was frequently bringing up the topic of divorce with my ex. Mostly, due to fact that I didn’t not like who I had become during the course of my marriage. I won’t go into details about that.

 

This time Lena invited me to her wedding in the middle of summer. That happened on a rather short notice. I flew to Russia only for a few days, as my vacation pool at work was nearly exhausted by then.

 

Before the wedding Lena surprised me: she said that Anna was interested in me. Indeed, during the reception, Anna was all over me, and that memorable evening was really wonderful. We had a chance to talk and dance, even though Anna had a bit too much to drink at the end.

 

A day or two later, we spent a few hours together. Anna was driving me around the city; we went to a restaurant and had lots of time to talk. I started to like her: she was witty, funny, and driving her car like a race driver. She was not particularly pretty, but she was cute as hell. Bushy hear, with both her body and her face being cat-like. As far as I was concerned, she had tremendous sex appeal. She also told me that she dreamed of getting a motorcycle, a real “crotch rocket”, which she would ride wearing a black outfit and a helmet with cat ears. I could totally picture that.

 

The same day, she sincerely told me about herself and the relationships she had gone through. She was living with her college sweetheart for 6 years, but they eventually split. Then she had a 3-year relationship with another guy, who was involved with drugs somehow. She hoped for the better, but he finally left her, when he found out that he impregnated another woman. Anna was heartbroken, but got over that at some point.

 

We didn’t do anything intimate, as I was still married, not even kissed each other once, and a couple days later I flew back home. I still didn’t think of her as a potential soulmate, but she emailed me almost immediately, and we soon started to correspond.

 

Our communication really picked up, and pretty soon I realized that I wanted to be with her, and initiated a divorce. She was “the last straw” that I had been waiting for, I guess. I had my reservations about our age difference (19 years), but Anna assured me that this was not going to be an issue. Her parents were in a similar situation, yet lived happily, and Anna was born very late. Some say that such relationships would not last, but you got to take into account that Russians are generally different in that regard from the rest of the world. Russian women are more “homey” and not really afraid to have husbands who are considerably older. They are less independent than Western women, and often make family a priority.

 

Then came the end of that summer. Our daily correspondence became very intimate, we got to really know each other. As it turned out, we had a lot in common. We both shared our love of books, movies, music, nature, computer games and even technology in general. We felt like we had known each other all our lives. We were constantly exchanging photographs, and even started writing our own fantasy story, about our love and how such a long distance between us would eventually disappear. The story soon went on for the whole 14 chapters, and was not yet finished.

 

Meanwhile, things on my end were not going too well. The divorce turned out to be harder than I expected. My ex was furious, resistant and not at all cooperating. Still, I continued with the proceedings as planned, and the final date was set for December later that year.

 

Before finalizing everything, I decided to go back to Russia to see Anna. My only option was the Thanksgiving week, as I managed to earn 3 extra vacation days by working on Saturdays. A week before my trip, my ex suddenly attacked me to the point I had to call the police. No one was charged, though, due to lack of evidence. Therefore, I went to Russia as planned.

 

That was a really happy time. Anna was with me every moment, we were having lots of intimacy and just could not have enough of each other. We both got very sad when it was time for me to fly back to the US. During our last night, we talked about bringing Anna over and about the whole immigration process. I also mentioned that we would get a prenuptial contract before getting married, as I was not a young guy anymore, and our financial positions were considerably different. Anna seemed to understand the whole thing and did not argue with that. She herself was a hard-working woman.

 

When I got back, I faced an unexpected problem, however. My divorce could not be finalized in December; some documents were not ready; also, our attorney got extremely busy with other matters towards the end of the year.

 

When I told Anna about those complications, she, to my great surprise, became furious. She said that she could not stand the idea that I was still living with my wife under the same roof, and that I intentionally stalled the divorce process, despite my earlier promises. She demanded that I make my wife move out to an apartment. I kept telling her that any divorce in the USA, as well as the whole legal system, can be extremely complicated, and demanding something like that, especially when dividing the property, would only lead to a potential disaster. That whole argument became our first serious row. I even suggested that we stop communicating for a while, as I was afraid that my problems would affect Anna in a negative way. Still, we managed to reconcile and went on as before.

 

Then the New Year came. Because my cousin Lena was Anna’s closest friend, Anna always really liked my family, too. She celebrated the New Year’s Eve with my family and was very happy when I called that night to congratulate everyone. (Keep in mind that New Year’s Eve is the main celebration in Russia during winter, as Christmas is celebrated on January 7, according to the old calendar that the Orthodox Church still follows.)

 

Things were going well between us, despite the hostile situation that I had to deal with at home. Anna kept asking me about visiting her again, yet I could not promise her anything, as I was not sure when my divorce would be finalized. I was leaning towards going to back Russia around April or May, but was not sure.

 

Then after about 3 weeks into January, my wife came home drunk and attacked me again. This time the police arrested her, and she was forced by the court to move out. Anna, as it seemed, was deeply worried about me, but a few days later, we again had an argument, caused by her impatience. This time I was not so agreeable, and decided to stop communicating with her. My whole situation seemed to had gotten out of hand, and I wanted the divorce proceedings to end, but could no longer stand all the arguing, nagging and blame. I got so mad at Anna that I asked her not to contact me anymore. My brain got really overloaded, and simply there was no place left for love. Anna wrote back to me, but I did not respond.

 

Soon, Lena started to write to me from time to time. She kept saying that Anna was in a very bad shape, that she greatly missed me and that I had to do something about it. Yet I remained firm and insisted that I no longer had any plans regarding Anna. I think I secretly hoped for the whole thing to die on its own.

 

Meanwhile, I was very busy with my work and my divorce. The decree was finally entered in March, solving at least one huge problem for me. Then I started thinking about going back to Russia to see my family, but not really hoping to do anything with Anna.

 

I came in May. All of my family started to insist that I contact Anna, as she was still waiting for me. After a few days of hiatus, I texted her. She responded immediately, but came across as very cold. Knowing that she is an extremely proud girl, I apologized for bothering her. She called me back immediately. After a short talk, she drove up to our house. I got in her car, and, in her usual “race driver” mode, she drove me to the outskirts of the city. There was one special spot which she always cherished and where we had our very first sincere talk almost a year before.

 

While getting there, she remained cold and distant. I did not know what to do at first, but then said that I absolutely cannot stand any heated arguments, caused by her hysterics, that our last row back in January was a breaking point for me and that I could not be with a girl who routinely allows for such things to happen. Anna did not respond, but soon started to sob quietly. I looked at her and added that I had terribly missed her all this time, which was, of course, true. Then we immediately embraced each other…

 

The rest of my vacation we spent as before. Lots of intimacy, lots of talking, lots of going places. Anna took me to her little village house where she spent most of her childhood. She drove me around, showing me every place she liked and remembered. We were both happy once again. What also surprised me was the fact that, while she was waiting for me, she started talking English lessons. Her English was considerably good, at least for a Russian girl. In addition, I insisted previously that we chat online in English, and we often did.

 

Then finally, came the time for me to leave once again. Anna drove me to the airport. She was very sad. After I returned home, we continued to stay in touch all the time, like our breakup had never happened. I really started to miss her all over again.

 

After about a week, I resumed the talk about her coming over and marrying me. Anna was very glad, yet seemed uneasy. I told her that moving to another country is a lot harder that it might seem at first, that she was bound to experience a culture shock and, maybe, even get depressed for a while. In addition, while waiting for her immigration status to be finalized, she could be barred from freely leaving the country and coming back, should anything happen to her parents. All of that came from my own experience. At the very least, I said, she could return to Russia when her 3-month visa expires, should the things get unbearably hard for her in the USA. She got worried somewhat, but still agreed to come over. I contacted the INS, and then explained to her which forms she needed to fill out and mail to me. She did. Along with the forms, she send a very sincere handwritten note about how much she loved me. On my end, I started to gather all of the necessary documents as well. I also explained to her that, before coming over, she needed to really brush up her English. Once she was in the US, I said, she would need to take at least one semester full time, studying the language at the advanced level and then be done with it for good; for that she needed to be fully prepared while still remaining in Russia.

 

It was July already. As I had some vacation time left, I suggested that we should spend some time together in one of the capital cities in Europe, most likely, in August. Anna gladly agreed, and we booked our vacation shortly.

 

A few days later, however, I realized that she completely abandoned her language studies. I must confess that over the course of my last marriage I became extremely pushy, agitated and controlling. Such were the circumstances of my past life, and I started to hate the person I was becoming. Thus the divorce. Being fully aware of such a dangerous legacy, I decided to be very gentle and careful with Anna. When I called her and asked about her abandoned studies, Anna gave me an elusive answer. She could not explain her reasons very well, but suddenly got very agitated herself. At first, she blamed her language school and the lack of practice available there. Then she started to blame me for not helping her, but only demanding something. I remained calm and tried to explain that, in order for me to help her, all she needed was desire to study. Then she could have gotten any help she wanted from me. Still, she continued her “blame game”, and things got out of control very quickly. She got hysterical once more. After trying unsuccessfully to calm her down, I finally hung up. Soon, Anna wrote a very angry letter to me, saying that she had been very forgiving so far and willing to abandon completely her previous life and her parents for sake of living with me in another hemisphere, yet I was very unfair and demanding and so on.

 

That letter dumbfounded me. A day later, I wrote her back, saying that there must be two Annas in this world: there was Anna #1, a great talented girl, smart and real fun to be with; and then there was Anna #2, on the other hand, who was not so smart, could not be reasoned with and also liked to blame everyone around her. Then I added that, while I wanted to be with Anna #1 more than anything, Anna #2 would make it impossible.

 

She soon responded that, similarly, there must be two sides of me as well. I cannot say that her reasoning was fair, but I decided not to argue. A few days passed in silence, but our vacation in Europe was approaching rapidly. I felt that it would be unfair to let some stupid argument to get in the way of our plans, and asked Anna when her flight lands and where I should meet her. She responded, acting utterly surprised, but once again, we reconciled. A few days later, I met her in Europe with a red rose in my hand. We were together again.

 

Those days in Europe were as happy as they get. We enjoyed every moment there, we walked and travelled around. We were gentle with each other. While walking the streets, Anna would frequently give me an incredibly loving cat-like look, prompting me to kiss her over and over again, in a plain view of the crowd around us. Yet, despite being such a happy moment, I now consider those short bright days to be the worst in our story, and this is why: we were loving each other like no one before, but both of us somehow chose not to discuss anything about us or our future.

 

Now I know that we should have talked seriously during that week, just to come to some agreement. Yet we didn’t. And that was a huge, huge mistake.

 

Soon, each of us returned home, and we were still communicating constantly, same as before. Yet, as you have, probably, guessed, I did not send anything to the INS. I was simply hoping that Anna would understand that she needed to study and try to fix things on her end, putting that argument behind us. But she never did, and I didn’t bring up that topic again. That is when I started to feel hopeless and numb.

 

Two months passed; Halloween was approaching. I was feeling less and less interested in Anna, yet continued our daily chats, exchanging pictures, drawings and songs with her. She sent me some incredibly cute photos of her taken when she was a little kid, then some photos from her Halloween party with my cousins.

 

We usually had long talks over the phone on weekends. However, this time, I was not up to it, and Anna got really upset. She wrote me a message saying that things seemed to be going downhill, that I was being distant. She also said that she could understand my troubles, but did not know how to fix things between us anymore. Finally, she said that she was feeling very lonely and very bad. Again, I did not pay much attention to all that and simply responded, “do not be sad, please”. She did not answer. That was the last Sunday of October.

 

Over the next couple of days, I sent her some Halloween photos from my workplace, yet she remained silent. “So be it,” I thought and decided to move on with my everyday life.

 

During November and December, I did not think at all about Anna. I visited another large city during the week of Thanksgiving, just because I always wanted to go there. Yet I was thinking about myself and my life all the time.

 

After the New Year’s things remained the same. But in the middle of January I suddenly realized how badly I missed Anna. I sent her a couple of messages, but got no answer. Then I waited again.

 

Towards the end of the month, I started looking her up around the Internet, on social media. All of her accounts and posts came up as deleted. All except one. When I opened that page, the world around me exploded and collapsed at the same time: there was my Anna, with a usual slightly crooked smile on her full sensual lips; the smile that I learned to love so much over the last year. Yet she was not alone: she was hugging some other guy. The guy was young and happy. Moreover, he was living not in Russia, but in one of the countries in Europe. Yet the thing that knocked me out almost completely was that the guy had... my first and last name. Literally mine. Letter to letter.

 

WHAT THE F**K??

 

For some moments, I ceased to exist. Only an ephemeral phantom remained behind, and that phantom kept staring at the screen in utter disbelief. Anna, that adorable, loving and lovable creature, who I considered a part of me by now, was with someone else, someone bearing my name.

 

IS THIS A JOKE?

 

Hardly. The pictures were dated around the New Year's time, i.e., they were almost a month old. In other words, they were taken only about two months after she and I had stopped communicating. Which meant that she managed to get involved with the guy remotely and even visit him in Europe over an extremely short period of time.

 

OH, S**T!

 

The next morning I realized that I should have called Lena first to find out the details. But in those long moments I completely lost it. Trying to come to my senses, I got drunk. I could not understand how any of that was possible. The only conclusion I was able to come to was that all this time Anna simply wanted to move to the West, no matter the costs and no matter where. And all of our story was just a game; a game to get me duped.

 

Then I did something outrageously stupid: I got back to my computer and contacted my "replacement" via his social page. He was online. When did you guys meet? About three months ago. Check. Did she contact you first? Yep. Check. Didn't you find that strange? Well, a little, maybe. How old are you? 28. (God, that's 20 years younger than me!) Do you know who I am and what my name is? Yeah, she mentioned you in the beginning... Darn!

 

I then went on and on and spilled the details about our affair, and that Anna could not be trusted, and that she would readily “jump from one bed to another" just to reach her goal, and that my "replacement" was just another victim. He stopped responding and disconnected.

 

Next morning I realized what a terrible mistake I made and that jealousy clouded my judgement. I wrote to Anna to apologize for all the suffering she had experienced with me; I told her I how much I loved her, that I wanted her to be my wife and that I would do everything to make her happy. At the same time, if she considered our relationship to be truly over, all I asked of her was to let me know that, honestly and directly. There was no answer.

 

I was devastated, but I called Lena eventually. The story she told me was indeed different. From our vacation in Europe, Anna came practically devastated; she kept saying that I was no longer interested in her and she did not know what to do. After writing that sad message to me, Anna got extremely depressed. She imagined that I was in another relationship, and that's why things between us got so hopeless. Crying non-stop, she started chasing me around the Internet, hoping to find out the truth and whom I might be with. Of course, she didn't find anything, but by pure chance she came across a guy who had my name and rather randomly got in touch with him. Meanwhile, both of my cousins witnessed all that silently, but decided not to interfere, thinking that she had indeed been dumped by me, this time for good.

 

Anna started communicating with that guy, but her new relationship was not going well - the guy was insecure and immature; he always remained suspicious that Anna somehow was cheating on him; always demanded some proof of where she might be at any present moment, ("send me a photo of your surroundings and who you’re with" or “be at home by 8 o’clock, so I can see you via Skype”) and so on. In addition, at 28, he was still a student, living off his mother’s allowance in a university dorm, having no other income. Worst of all, his mother immediately turned hostile against Anna, as his family was not Russian, but came from a part of ex-Soviet Union that is now not on good terms with Russia. “Son, you should not have a Russian girlfriend! That would be unthinkable!”

 

Still, Anna got involved all the way, and after just 6 or 7 weeks of remote romance went to visit her new lover. She spent Christmas and New Year’s holidays with him, but came home depressed. Things did not go as well as she originally expected. The first thing she asked Lena upon coming back was whether I called my family on the New Year’s eve (I did) and whether I asked anything about Anna (I did not). “Well, let him pretend I don’t exists!” she blurted angrily. Again, Lena chose not to let me know about any of this.

 

To clarify, when I called my family on New Year’s Eve, I secretly hoped that Anna would be there, as she was a year before. However, she was not, and I did not ask anything about her; I don’t really know why. Probably, I was just not ready, or, maybe, afraid to find out something rather unpleasant about her. Or, maybe, I just felt guilty.

 

Yet her new romance continued, although it was following a rather rocky path now. As it turned out, by the time I found out about all this, she was already preparing to visit her new guy again, and this time to stay with him for whole three weeks. In fact, she received my first apologetic letter when she was at the airport, waiting for her flight. That was the last day of January. Yet she did not respond and moved on as planned.

 

I got on the phone with Lena again, asking for advice. She assured me that I had nothing to worry about, that I still had a chance. All I needed was to wait for Anna to return, come to Russia and propose to her. Her new relationship was bound to end, even though Anna was not realizing that fully yet. “She has no future with that guy!” Lena kept saying. “Just give her a little time to get over it. Yes, she’s been communicating with him in her usual “love” mode, as with you before, but they have been constantly arguing since the beginning and she is very unstable and furious now! She badmouths him every day when offline!”

 

I wrote to Anna once more, continuing my previous letter. I also apologized for what I wrote to her new lover. I said that I overreacted and that I knew that she was still desperately seeking me while hooking up with that guy. Again, silence. Then Lena got mad with Anna on her own. “She knows that you love her and she knows your intentions – she needs to come home and wait for you. But she is still there!” She was in touch with Anna all the time, but could not understand what was going on. “She should not behave this way; you do not deserve any of that!” Lena kept saying to me.

 

I chose to remain hopeful, but that February turned out to be the worst period of my life. I could not sleep, could not eat. I started smoking again, and that was a habit I gave up many years ago. I was thinking of Anna constantly and blaming myself for what happened. Waking up each morning was unbearably hard, as I had to go through the same realization over and over. I got borderline suicidal and started to embrace my .38. I could’ve pulled the trigger by now, if it was not for my family. I kept bugging Lena, asking for any news about Anna; she would tell me everything. I also kept asking Lena to have a serious talk with Anna about us, but only when she would come back home and only in person. “You are my only hope,” I kept saying. “You are her only real friend, and she trusts you!” So, we developed a little plan regarding what Lena should say to Anna and how. She would to remain calm and let Anna talk, and really try to understand her first.

 

Then there was a question of when I should fly to Russia. We decided to make it a surprise visit, so Anna would not succumb to her uncontrollable arrogance and try to avoid me just out of the matter of principle. Lena was thinking that I had to wait until at least the latter part of March, i.e., at least a month after Anna’s planned return date. “She is not doing well, she is depressed, she does not want anything or anyone now! She is really upset after reading what you wrote to that guy about her!” Such were Anna’s words that Lena relayed to me. “Don’t worry: she will come home emptyhanded and realize that she does not want to be with that guy anymore! But she will need some time to start wanting you back!” I reluctantly agreed. Then I sent a copy of my conversation with Anna’s new guy to Lena, just so she could see what I wrote him and how.

 

“Well, that’s pretty intelligent and not as bad as Anna told me,” Lena said. “She needs to realize that you had every right to jump to such a conclusion after what she did to you! Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with what you said!”

 

Then I got a sudden message from Anna. “Hello. I am asking you not to write to me anymore. I wish you to be happy.”

 

My heart sank, but something was not right. She did not say, “It’s over. I no longer love you.” Instead, this message came across as open-ended. So I chose to remain hopeful once more.

 

Meanwhile, Lena was getting angrier with Anna. “She drives me nuts! She is being unreasonable and irrational! I can no longer stand her behavior! She is suffering there, arguing with that guy all the time, but she is not coming home!”

 

The day before Anna was coming home, I got a few remarks from her new guy that he sent from his social network account. The messages were written as by a total punk. They were meant to insult me, but only showed what intellectual level that person had. That truly puzzled me: what could my Anna have in common with such a guy? Did he use the same language when talking to her, too? And, most importantly, if so, did she happen to like him after that? None of that made any sense.

 

By then, I was in a pretty bad shape, worse than ever. I understood that I could no longer wait and that I had to get a straight answer from Anna, no matter which one. “I will give her a few days after she gets back, but I cannot wait till the end of March; I really see no point in that.”

 

Lena agreed, and I started to make the necessary arrangements. Then I bought a one-carat engagement ring and, a few days later, I flew to Russia.

 

The whole thing felt like I was going to a funeral. I did not know what to think, or what to expect. All of my family gathered around me when I came; they told me many things about Anna that I did not know, some of them not pretty. They also told me how they tried to calm Anna down a year before: “The guy is going through a divorce, for God’s sake! Have some patience and give him some space!” Still, they were supportive and made sure I never remained alone.

 

Meanwhile, Lena had a chance to have a sincere talk with Anna. Unfortunately, she did not learn anything new. Anna was hopeful but unhappy with her new relationship, and she held a grudge against me at the same time. She kept communicating with that guy as before, alternating between being loving and all that online and extremely angry and irritated offline.

 

We planned for me to come over to the office to see Anna in two days after my arrival. That morning, we drove to the city and bought a nice large bouquet of roses for her. Then we drove to the office. As expected, Anna’s car was parked outside. Both of my cousins decided to give us some privacy and remained outside. “I feel like I am going to have a contact with some extraterrestrial entity,” I said before going in. “I really don’t know what to expect.”

 

Then I went inside.

 

Anna was there, alone. She was texting on her phone, of course. There was a brief moment of surprise, but she gathered herself together rather quickly. Then she finished typing on her phone and turned to me. A cold, steel look on her face.

 

“Hi,” I said, smiling, and handed over the bouquet to her. “How are you doing?”

 

“Everything is fine,” she replied, accepting the flowers. “Thank you.”

 

The same cold look.

 

I sat down in front of her. “Anna, my dear, I don’t want any arguments, and that’s not why I came. Also, please don’t blame the girls; I came here on my own initiative.”

 

Silence.

 

I tried to remain positive, smiling.

 

“I must say that I am very thankful for all your love. I know how hard all that has been for you. You won’t believe what you managed to accomplish, and how much you helped me to become myself again.”

 

Silence. The same eyes of steel piercing me.

 

“You need to remember that there is someone who loves you very much, and who is waiting for you. That someone who you wanted to be with for so long.”

 

No answer.

 

“I want you to ask for one thing… Please hold your breath for a minute and listen to your heart… And then tell me…” Here she started to shift uneasily, while I pulled the ring out of my pocket. “Will you marry me?”

 

“No,” she responded hastily. “I will not marry you.”

 

Again, silence.

 

“We are going to be happy, you know that?”

 

“No,” she said. “I’ve waited for you for months a year ago. And then I waited for months again.”

 

“I really needed those last months to come back to my senses, you know that?”

 

“You wrote that I jump from one bed to another.”

 

“I am sorry, but imagine that I did something like that to you instead? How would that make you feel? And what would you think of me after that?”

 

Silence. Piercing eyes. No answer.

 

Then she said, “I am probably going to regret my decision later.”

 

“Anna, do you still love me?”

 

She would not say “no.” Instead, she hesitated for a moment and replied, “I love another man.”

 

“Is that true?” I asked quietly.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Ok,” I said and smiled. Then I got up and walked out. My cousins drove me back to our house.

 

In a couple of days, I learned from Lena that Anna came home that evening and drank every bit of alcohol she could find in her apartment. She totally wasted herself, and spent the weekend fighting a severe hangover. She was feeling extremely sorry for herself and blamed the whole universe for being unfair to her. Also, she again mentioned that she was, probably, going to regret the decision she made. But not now. She was in a new relationship, and she didn’t want to back out of it. We did not know what to think about any of that, and could only speculate.

 

That was 2 weeks ago. Since then I returned to the US, and I am not feeling any better. That awful February is now spilling over into March. I learned from Lena that Anna has not asked about me once, and that she is leaving again in a few days to stay with her new guy for 2 weeks. Yet, in her own words, she feels “completely empty, rotten, and not at all hopeful.”

 

--

 

Such is my story. I am still not sure how I came to all this. The most obvious explanation is that things happened too fast, and my own problems badly affected our relationship with me realizing that too late. Being such a damaged person, I leaned towards overanalyzing everything, rather than following my heart and trying to make things work. In my last letters, I tried to explain all of that to Anna, yet she chose not to even try to understand. Lena, on the other hand, understood perfectly and insisted that I should not blame myself. I honestly don’t know what to think.

 

Some say that getting involved with such impatient and desperate girls is not a good idea. I would agree, but, at the same time, I was, and still am, willing to take that chance. After all, if you don’t give something a try, you won’t know for sure.

 

Oh man such a long story, but you did a great job here. Now you have so much on your plate. You can do anything you want to do, but most of all don't hurt this Anna like your doing. You have to take care of your divorce and Anna. If you really wanted Anna sounds like you do then go for it. Treat her like you want to be treated and you know how your divorce as treated you. Don't treat her that way come now she's worth a million Anna's anytime. You're culture might be different than us here in the America, but I too have my own Anna in Russia I speak on skype and email. Long story but your right about the culture difference, but you can do more than me you can travel to Russia and be with Anna. Try to make this work for all the men who have Anna out there. Get your divorce an appreciate the Anna you have. Women of this type are rare you have someone who really loves you and your not seeing it. Don't make the wrong excuses to cover up that fact. You love his woman go get her and bring her to the states and be happy to know you have a woman that wants and loves you 100%!

[codest]

l think you'll hear from her again, but you'll be with someone else by then.

 

Maybe, eventually, or maybe not. Anna cut off all ties with me back after my visit, and blocked me everywhere. It looks like she is using her rebound to get me off her head completely, which sounds pretty reasonable.

Edited March 28, 2017 by codest

[Chilli]

Got an idea.

 

Why not spend this time now sorting out all the crap and divorce with ex, get all that done and dusted and finished.

and try to enjoy life a long the way too and getting back into things if you can.

And in the meantime Annas rebound will probably fizzle out and she'll be reflecting pretty bad.

 

Maybe that's when you hear from her or you find out the rebounds done and you still wanna try one more time and contact her.Your side of things is all sorted and your good to try one last time.

And if that happened and it still didn't work out, at least for the rest of your days you know you tried.

 

Just wondering , can't remember but did you keep that last letter from her. love to know what that said.

Could ask lena ,she'll probably know.

[codest]

Got an idea.

 

Why not spend this time now sorting out all the crap and divorce with ex, get all that done and dusted and finished.

and try to enjoy life a long the way too and getting back into things if you can.

And in the meantime Annas rebound will probably fizzle out and she'll be reflecting pretty bad.

 

Maybe that's when you hear from her or you find out the rebounds done and you still wanna try one more time and contact her.Your side of things is all sorted and your good to try one last time.

And if that happened and it still didn't work out, at least for the rest of your days you know you tried.

 

Just wondering , can't remember but did you keep that last letter from her. love to know what that said.

Could ask lena ,she'll probably know.

 

Well, thank you. My divorce was finalized a year ago, so I don't have to worry about that part anymore. My ex is still under a no contact order which resulted from her attacking me and getting arrested. As of all other things that should be sorted out in my life, you're absolutely right, and I already have some plans in that regard.

 

Assuming that you are referring to the last message Anna sent to me before she went NC, here it is:

 

"You didn't want to talk today? Well, I am getting tired of this. It is not going anywhere. It seems that all our communication is just a toy for you. Or you're even mocking me. I see no future for us and no point to go on. I am alone, same as before, and you chose to keep distance. I understand you somewhat, and don't want to be a nuisance. Especially, considering that I don't know how to fix things between us anymore. Yet I don't want to accept the role of a remote girlfriend that you're offering me. It makes me feel bad."

 

As you see, that was pretty sincere and full of pain. The fact that I let it slip while remaining numb and insensitive led to a huge disaster.

[Chilli]

Sh@t sorry brother l didn't actually mean l personally would like to see it , just roughly if you had an idea of her feelings because l was thinking of the letter that you didn't read, wondering what her last thoughts were in that.

hope it didn't sound l was prying.

But anyway your right though , she wants you guys and l agree she rebounded, he's a band-aid

 

that was kinda aerie for me reading that because my gf is LD to 70% of the time.

She's ltalian and we often get crossed wires if something happens and she's written me in similar ways and where she just doesn't understand something.

Especially about us still being apart 70% of the time.

l think with mine it's her ltalian thinking and words not really getting my Australian thinking and words just at times.And she loves me so in ltalian, that means you go for it- like a Ferrari .

But her hurt will sound exactly the same as your girls hurt.

And she just won't understand just how l couldn't just make it happen sometimes too.

Sometimes l've had to cancel our next visit and sometimes she;s said l just don't want her or why couldn't l have made it happen instead of cancel when we wait so long.

Don't take it to heart when she did silly things, mine's got a bit of that too, very emotional maybe like the Russian girls.

 

Actually your whole story now reminds me of just what l'd be passing up now and how l'll probably feel later too if l don't "make" it happen more and maybe lose her too.

 

Well , for what it's worth, going on her feelings l think if she dumps the rebound or it fizzles and your good to go at your end, you still got one more shot at her and you guys if your game.

Edited March 30, 2017 by Chilli

[codest]

Sh@t sorry brother l didn't actually mean l personally would like to see it , just roughly if you had an idea of her feelings because l was thinking of the letter that you didn't read, wondering what her last thoughts were in that.

hope it didn't sound l was prying.

But anyway your right though , she wants you guys and l agree she rebounded, he's a band-aid

 

that was kinda aerie for me reading that because my gf is LD to 70% of the time.

She's ltalian and we often get crossed wires if something happens and she's written me in similar ways and where she just doesn't understand something.

Especially about us still being apart 70% of the time.

l think with mine it's her ltalian thinking and words not really getting my Australian thinking and words just at times.And she loves me so in ltalian, that means you go for it- like a Ferrari .

But her hurt will sound exactly the same as your girls hurt.

And she just won't understand just how l couldn't just make it happen sometimes too.

Sometimes l've had to cancel our next visit and sometimes she;s said l just don't want her or why couldn't l have made it happen instead of cancel when we wait so long.

Don't take it to heart when she did silly things, mine's got a bit of that too, very emotional maybe like the Russian girls.

 

Actually your whole story now reminds me of just what l'd be passing up now and how l'll probably feel later too if l don't "make" it happen more and maybe lose her too.

 

Well , for what it's worth, going on her feelings l think if she dumps the rebound or it fizzles and your good to go at your end, you still got one more shot at her and you guys if your game.

 

When I got that last message from Anna, I couldn't feel anything; I kept thinking that I no longer needed our relationship to go on. All of that, just to completely reconsider everything 2 months later and to become a total emotional wreck without much hope left; and also, to nearly ruin Anna in the process... I know that I have a lame excuse, because I was still affected by my last marriage and slowly unbecoming that unpleasant, insensitive person that I was. But the price of that turned out to be too high.

 

I posted my story mainly to give people a warning, and I hope that you can learn from my mistakes, rather than make your own. You value your woman and your relationship, so keep telling her that you love her all the time, make her feel good and desired. Do that even if you feel down or detached for whatever reasons at times. Never let a conflict get stalled, talk to her ASAP instead and try to get things resolved. Use Skype in such cases, as seeing each other is very important in those moments; chat or phone may not be sufficient, as it's very easy to shut each other out when using those means. (I know, we made that mistake a few times.) Send her flowers (I haven't, sigh!) LDRs can be hard, so you'll need to put some effort into yours. Mark my words - don't blow it for some selfish reasons, if you happen to have them.

[codest]

Oh man such a long story, but you did a great job here. Now you have so much on your plate. You can do anything you want to do, but most of all don't hurt this Anna like your doing. You have to take care of your divorce and Anna. If you really wanted Anna sounds like you do then go for it. Treat her like you want to be treated and you know how your divorce as treated you. Don't treat her that way come now she's worth a million Anna's anytime. You're culture might be different than us here in the America, but I too have my own Anna in Russia I speak on skype and email. Long story but your right about the culture difference, but you can do more than me you can travel to Russia and be with Anna. Try to make this work for all the men who have Anna out there. Get your divorce an appreciate the Anna you have. Women of this type are rare you have someone who really loves you and your not seeing it. Don't make the wrong excuses to cover up that fact. You love his woman go get her and bring her to the states and be happy to know you have a woman that wants and loves you 100%!

 

That's very kind of you, thank you!

[Chilli]

Thanks for those tips will do.

 

But don;t be too hard on yourself we need 3 or 4yrs after a divorce to get our hearts and head straight but yours, not lame at all, that was pretty heavy duty stuff and very understandable.

 

Still think you'll get one more shot at Anna, don't know why just feeling it.

[codest]

Thanks for those tips will do.

 

But don;t be too hard on yourself we need 3 or 4yrs after a divorce to get our hearts and head straight but yours, not lame at all, that was pretty heavy duty stuff and very understandable.

 

Still think you'll get one more shot at Anna, don't know why just feeling it.

 

Hope dies last, or so they say... There is a slight possibility, but...

 

I haven't tried to contact Anna since I brought her a ring a month ago, but I haven't gone fully NC either. At first, I kept checking her social media page (nothing new there), but it only hurt me more, so I stopped doing that completely. A couple of times, I also asked Lena to "remind" Anna about me and that she needed to reconcile before it is too late. Last time she did that right before Anna left to see that guy last week. As before, Anna came up with a different BS excuse. Yet she remained depressed and moody, and called her new relationship "idiotic."

 

This time, Lena asked me, "Why do you still care for a girl who now sleeps with another man? A man who has your full name? If I were you, I would be utterly disgusted by all this. Obvioisly, she doesn't love anybody and will always go through a rebound over and over again."

 

I told her not to worry and that only time will make me feel normal again. There is no way to evade experiencing grief or clinging onto hope. Yet I asked Lena to avoid those useless "reminders" to Anna from now on completely. And, if Anna ever asks about me, simply to say "I don't know anything." If there is still something left in her, she would need to feel it and to start to truly miss me on her own.

 

So I am going fully NC, as you can see. I doubt that Anna will try and contact me. She will regret her decision over and over, obviously, but she may try and suppress any feelings towards me out of her arrogance or, maybe, guilt, if she is even capable of experiencing it. Or out of fear of being rejected. Most likely, she will eventually get into another rebound.

[codest]

Just wanted to post a little update, in case anyone recalls this story.

 

It’s been exactly a year since Anna and I spent any time together (in Europe). It’s been 10 months since we’d stopped communicating, when things went cold; 7 months since I’d desperately tried to get her back. And almost 6 months since the day when I last saw her; the day, on which she “regrettably” refused my proposal.

 

I’ve maintained a strict “no contact” after I returned from Russia back to the US in March. I’ve no idea what she is up to, how her new relationship’s been progressing and all that. I have also not spoken with my two cousins about Anna since then. All I know that she is alive, otherwise Lena would have told me already.

 

I hoped for the best all this time. I tried to focus on myself, doing things I like. I have been going to the gym every other day, rebuilt my computer, visited Los Angeles and Disneyland. That’s the course of healing from a breakup, or so they say.

 

But I hardly got any better. I constantly miss Anna, no matter where I am or what I am doing. The world around me remains as dark as before. I’ve lost any sense of time; my days have been crawling one after another at a sluggish pace, and I am not seeing any purpose in my going forward. I also keep wondering where I am going to be after another 6 months. Or after a year from now? Yet I see no future.

 

I have dreams about her sometimes. Those dreams typically hit the hardest, and I am usually a total wreck for the next day or two. Also, I got used to be in pain. It is constantly devouring me from the inside; I have not learned to “embrace” it, as some suggest.

 

I fully realize that the Anna I knew is different from who she turned out to be in the end. I don’t care for who she is now; I just terribly miss the other one, the Anna from the times we spent together.

 

Needless to say, it seems abhorrent to me to even think about getting into another relationship. As it stands, I seem to be incapable of having feeling for anybody else at this moment, and I don’t want to force myself into random dating or any other adventures of that sort. In addition, my self-esteem hit the bottom, so to speak, and, while it may be not entirely true, I regard myself as a truly damaged person. It would be unfair to someone else to be affected by my issues one way or another.

 

I know that this situation is not a healthy one, rather the opposite. But I have no control over it. I am just “sailing along,” while constantly wondering what happened to real “me” and that things will, probably, never be the same again.

Edited August 29, 2017 by codest

[SunnyWeather]

I'm sorry for your loss and struggle. I know this may not be what you want to hear, but it helped me years ago when I was in the darkest days of my divorce even when I couldn't have possibly believed it:

 

things will get better.

 

Or:

 

this too shall pass.

 

give yourself the space to grieve then at some point realize you don't have to be so miserable, and find joy and passion again in life.

[toomanyquestions123]

You remind of my ex-fiance and how he used to shut down everytime there was a problem. The girl was dealing with you living with your ex-wife and you both were in a LDR, fights naturally happen in this case. You were the one that was not patient and just disappeared a couple of times. I agree with her not marrying you because you hurt her twice, do you know how depressed and sad she was both times ?