Tell me about rug sweeping

[Anakin]

Thanks harry, I've read all the how to books thus far. That is only one under my belt. I feel like I've done the most basics of a WS and then some. The reading material, the handbooks so to say, all happily so. I will revisit the site you push.. I know I've been there and read before. But it would hurt to go there again. Thank you for the input.

[road]

This is apparently my BHs MO. And quite frankly I am jealous of those who are working through the infidelity that has hit their M. I am left to do this on my own. I am NOT OK with the way he has chosen to go about this. The thing about it is, I don't know how rug sweeping is going to impact us down the road.

 

I readily gave him all the info he need and more. This went on for the first 4 months or so, and then it was all about putting it behind him. Moving on and forgetting about it. I know he hasn't but, he does pretend to. Life as I know it has resumed to normal. Except I don't feel normal. This whole thing has rocked my world and continues to do so.

 

I want to be the best person I know how to be. I want to learn from all of this. And he is okay with just getting on with life. I know I can't really control how he heals but I can certainly be concerned about it since he is willing to continue on with our M, I just don't think we will better off with his way to deal. If that makes sense?

 

If he prefers to ignore my affair, is it okay to talk about it and bring up some things up? I'm not really sure what I would bring up.. Maybe some insights as to why, things I could do to prevent a repeat.. I really don't know what he wants to hear and what he doesn't due to his seemingly moving on. What if he doesn't want to say anything at all?? To be fair I've tried to talk more on the subject, but he truly doesn't want to go there.

 

I'm at a great loss these day on how to move forward. And how to handle the rug sweeping. I know he would rather forget it all, but I am stuck on doing this properly. And it leaves no room for how he would like to handle it.

 

I can't go about life this way anymore. I have some serious things to work through. And I suppose with or without him.. But where does that leave us and our M? you know? I can no longer deal the way he would like.

 

It is the BS that gets to control how much they want to learn about

the affair. It appears that he has reached his limit so there is no

benefit to continue talking about the affair. Unless your goal is to

prevent the BH from forgetting the affair.

 

 

Dwelling on the affair prevents healing after the affair.

[Mr. Lucky]

I can't go about life this way anymore. I have some serious things to work through. And I suppose with or without him.. But where does that leave us and our M? you know? I can no longer deal the way he would like.

 

You know him better than anyone. Are you surprised he's chosen this path? And if his discomfort in discussing/dealing with it is real, what would you have him do ???

 

Also, as a BS myself, can't help but point out the different levels of unfairness in cheating on your spouse and then blaming him again for the way in which he deals with your infidelity. Ouch...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Anakin]

Not blaming him, and not sure how you came to that conclusion. Only concerned for our future. For his healing. What would I have him do? Heal in a healthy manner. Instead of stuffing it.

 

I have spent many hours learning all about emotional trauma and how infidelity impacts my BH, what the best way to heal from this is, and everything that I've read suggests that rug sweeping is a no go.

 

But you don't see many things on what it actually causes in the long run. And here my curiosity strikes again.

 

Instead of telling me I am wrong to wonder and be concerned, I was hoping to get some more info on it.

[BluesPower]

Not blaming him, and not sure how you came to that conclusion. Only concerned for our future. For his healing. What would I have him do? Heal in a healthy manner. Instead of stuffing it.

 

I have spent many hours learning all about emotional trauma and how infidelity impacts my BH, what the best way to heal from this is, and everything that I've read suggests that rug sweeping is a no go.

 

But you don't see many things on what it actually causes in the long run. And here my curiosity strikes again.

 

Instead of telling me I am wrong to wonder and be concerned, I was hoping to get some more info on it.

 

Here is the problem that may/probably will come up in the long run for your husband.

 

If you wrote about your affair yet, I have not read it, but there are different levels of betrayal and they are all bad.

 

For your husband, like a lot of men, he wants to bury his feelings about your affair and push them down and ignore them. The problem is he can't/ won't be able to do that in the long run.

 

No matter how much he wants to pretend that you are the girl that he fell in love with, he knows that you are not. You have been with another man, had some level of feelings for another man, and you have tainted your marriage.

 

So whatever issues there were with you, sexuality in your marriage, the marriage relationship in general, none of that will be dealt with the way that it needs to be.

 

He will have the mind movies, he will be/is emasculated, he will have sexual insecurities, and a host of other issues. But, if he rug sweeps to avoid the pain, IT WILL COME OUT in the future.

 

Additionally, since he is not talking about all of his doubts and fears arising from your affair, you will not actually know how he is feeling about and number of issues. You in many cases will not know what to do to help him heal in any way.

 

A completely innocent mistake on your part, could send him packing or just send him into a rage. And you will be dumbfounded because you have no idea what you did.

 

Whether he shows it or not, talks about it or not, your husband is in a level of pain that you cannot imagine. When he found out or you told him, that look on his face that should have broken your heart is absolutely the tip of the ice berg.

 

Even when couples do it the right way, it takes years for the WW to understand the level of her husbands pain, and then they only understand a glimpse. If your husband rug sweeps the affair, you will never have an idea how much pain you have causes or how to help him heal from it.

 

Even worse, you marriage will never be what it could be if he does not truly deal with the pain the he has inside from your affair.

 

And still worse yet, many men bury their pain only to reach a point that they leave their wives with very little discussion many years later. The pain that they buried eats at them and finally the only way that they can deal with the pain is to get away from you. Then in some way, since you are not there to remind him, he can let some of it go.

 

This is a basic description of the problems that you will face down the road if you and he rug sweep your affair...

[Southern Sun]

Have you expressed to him how important this is to you?

 

I personally think it is quite dangerous to just "go back to the way things were." I mean, weren't those the conditions things were in when the affair started?

 

Perhaps he is a conflict avoider, someone who would prefer to keep things pleasant. My BH is like this. I've had to really spend a lot of time addressing this with him, because I believe it was part of what created the issues in our marriage in the first place. In our case, little things (and some big ones) piled up over time and he became very passive aggressive. During our reconciliation it lead to giant outbursts. Open communication is so much better.

 

The website Harry Brown talks about is actually very good.

 

I am currently reading a book called "Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On - Together or Apart," by Snyder, Baucom, and Gordon. I've had it forever but things were too raw in the beginning to get a lot out of it. It's designed so that you and your spouse can work through it together, but you can do it alone as well. I'm actually reading it and answering the questions by myself for now, and then will see if I can get my BS to join me. It's very good.

[DKT3]

I think the idea that everyone is deeply impacted by infidelity is a flawed one. Sometimes people are simply not that traumatized, maybe you being there with him instead of with the other guy is enough.

 

On the darker side, maybe he finds it hard to come down on you and going over it again and again because he has a liked experience in marriage.

 

Something to think about

[Cephalopod]

Everybody reacts to trauma differently. You cannot expect hubby to react to your infidelity the same way as everyone else does. It doesn't work like that.

 

You concentrate on fixing you. You do the hard work to fix what is broken in you and work towards being a safe person again. Work on what you have control over. You have no control over your husband. He will either deal with his pain and his own issues or not. That is not up to you.

 

If, say, five years down the road he finally decides that your A was a deal-breaker and decides to call it quits, then you can look back with some satisfaction and say that you did all you could to address your issues and save the marriage. Offer him help when he asks for it. Offer him love and support and transparency and all the hot sex he wants. Write timelines and take a polygraph.

 

Be proactive and stop waiting to get his permission to fix yourself.

[Mr. Lucky]

Not blaming him, and not sure how you came to that conclusion.

 

Faulting him? Judging him and finding him wanting? Just seems a question of semantics.

 

You're unhappy with his reaction to your infidelity to the extent that you say:

 

"I can't go about life this way anymore. I have some serious things to work through. And I suppose with or without him.. But where does that leave us and our M? you know? I can no longer deal the way he would like"

 

Why not work on yourself and let his reaction be his reaction?

 

Mr. Lucky