Online date a week out

[jay1983]

Cookie I think you're looking at things from your recent dating experienc. You're thinking about guys you're really not attracted to, trying to come with reasons why you're not feeling them. Like the thread you recently wrote where if I remember correctly, he waited till the next day to text and that was weird as well?

 

If you were attracted to him youd be coming up with reasons to go out with him again not reason to write him off. At least that's my experience.

 

I'm on board with people saying the OP is over thinking.

[Cookiesandough]

Noooo, not that guy. Hehe.

There was a guy last fall I dated. I was really into him and he would text me each day (we were long distance) goodmorning/good night beautiful stuffs and small talk. Sometimes I blocked him for days because the texting drove me bonkers and I assume he texted me in that time...because he would say "did I do something wrong?" And I'd say no no I'm just not a big texter. And he said that's okay I'll figure out your texting style eventually. Whenever he asked me to meet with him, I jumped on it!! Seeing him was always my priority. And I also asked him out too.

 

 

You're right, though, it didn't put me off persay, but I think that was because I was so smitten nothing could have. But if I was iffy...mmmm maybe

 

 

Some people just don't like a lot of communication with a virtual stranger before meeting, even if they're interested. And some don't even like a lot of it in between seeing each other in rshipS. That can't be that unusual. Especially for introverts like myself??

Edited March 24, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Cookiesandough]

Ugh. Double post, sorry. We ended shortly because in addition different communication needs in between dates and the distance, i don't think he was that into me and I messed up a lot of stuff because my ex did a number on me earlier that year!

 

Anyway, I think it's best to err on side of caution when showing interest at the very beginning. It's much easier for someone to lose interest for being overbearing than a little distant. Im guessing op is texting his girl and shes giving short answers/not reciprocating much/dropping convo

 

I'm not advising to not communicate with her at all just take hints. And confirm!!! Day before if you aren't talking daily...

Edited March 24, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[curiouslysearching]

Ugh. Double post, sorry. We ended shortly because in addition different communication needs in between dates and the distance, i don't think he was that into me and I messed up a lot of stuff because my ex did a number on me earlier that year!

 

Anyway, I think it's best to err on side of caution when showing interest at the very beginning. It's much easier for someone to lose interest for being overbearing than a little distant. Im guessing op is texting his girl and shes giving short answers/not reciprocating much/dropping convo

 

I'm not advising to not communicate with her at all just take hints. And confirm!!! Day before if you aren't talking daily...

 

 

all that seems soooooo complicated. nothing seems very easy anymore now does it?

[KBob]

I'm going through the same thing right now. Made a plan for a date a week out and the first time we talked the conversation was great; flowed really well, lots of interest from both side, lots of laughter. Since then, out of four days she's texted me three, me once as a follow up to her texting me the night before when I was going to bed. So one would think that her texting me is showing interest, but for some reason the conversation has become very bland from her end, and is putting me off to the point I might cancel the date.

 

So, I have to agree somewhat with the OP, too much conversation (especially texting) pre meet up can be detrimental. Best to save the getting to know each other for real life.

[SevenCity]

I'm sorry, but I take issue with a lot of this advice.

 

 

 

He's not showing it to her, though (yet). {snip}

 

 

Thanks to all for the replies.

 

Normal - I'm glad you responded as I've had better luck with dates from OLD (well getting them lol) implementing your advice.

 

One thing you said in a prior thread jumped out at me. That you have to gauge the individual girl by picking up on clues and adjust your behavior accordingly.

 

So this one's reply was personal, friendly, but short. As a result I deduced that she was not interesting in texting a lot. The fact is neither am I. I don't mind having a good text convo but it's often a good way to build up a persona that leads to disappointment when you meet, or worse, you try to be funny and it is taken the wrong way and she gets turned off.

 

I'm not nervous about meeting her, acting cool on the date, or going for a kiss at the end if I feel it is appropriate and if I want. However, I am nervous about doing something that might screw up meeting her - this is related to my high level of interest in her. I don't feel this way about other women I have setup dates with.

 

Another girl I'm chatting to and supposed to see for the first time next weekend is a text psycho. We had a great exchange the other day and I ended it saying to reach out to me anytime. I get a comment on the fact that I didn't reach out for a day. I mean we haven't even met! My fear with this is I will have put a lot of effort into texting only to find out we don't click when we meet.

 

Worse, if we do hit it off, I'll have to upgrade my text plan from unlimited to infinity

 

So for the one I really like I ended up sending her a short message which she liked and responded to quickly (like 30 seconds) and friendly - no invitation to text further. That's it until next week. I wanted to let her know I was still around and interested without coming across like the other girl is coming across to me (I didn't say any of this mind you).

 

My plan is to see if she reaches out after the weekend, if not to send her one final text next week prior to us meeting to let her know I'll be showing up.

 

Let me know what you think of this plan.

Save

Edited March 24, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[normal person]

Good grief.

I did not come here to debate. I stand by my advice 100% based on my background and experience.

 

And I find it very unusual that your background and experience have lead you to think so firmly that there's a "one-size-fits-all" solution for how a woman wants to be texted (despite the fact that there's evidence in this very thread confirming otherwise), and that you can confidently tell someone else that they "clearly have no grasp of what they should or shouldn't do," as if you, or anyone, has the "right" answer regarding this particular woman under these particular circumstances.

 

However, at the end of the day the OP asked for opinions and he got them. He will read everyone's viewpoint, keep what he finds valuable, and discard what he does not find valuable.

 

Yeah, I'm aware of how this discourse works. I'm not sure you're aware that your advice isn't immune to criticism. If someone said to the OP "you clearly have no grasp of what you should or shouldn't do. You should be texting her dick pics. DO IT," with that level of authority and urgency like you, like OP's making some grave mistake by not taking the advice and acting on it immediately, you'd probably feel a moral obligation to open discussion about how that's not necessarily the best course of action and how that advice might be counterproductive. This is the same thing. Telling him "You're not a mind reader, so here's what you should say to her [because I am a mind reader, and I've read her mind]" is misguided and can very well do more harm than good. Maybe it's just semantics but I felt like your post needed to be tempered by some more nuanced considerations that you didn't seem to think about -- and I think those considerations would be valuable to the OP. Feel free to tell me why you don't think they are, and I'll consider them for the benefit of everyone curious in the topic and not just say "Here are all my controversial opinions -- but I didn't come here to debate."

 

Advice shouldn't be immune from criticism -- mine included. If someone advises someone to do something that you take issue with, the only way to really refine the idea and come to a better conclusion for everyone to learn from is to continually question and try and poke holes until you can reach a better solution. I'm going to take issue with things people say if I think otherwise, and I encourage them to take issue with things I say if they see problems with it as well. I will gladly eat my words if someone can refute my points adequately, because then I learn from it. I don't see any better way to get better advice. Saying "here's all this stuff you need to do, but I won't qualify, defend, or debate any inefficiencies you see in it" isn't really as helpful as it could be. In fact, it could be counterproductive.

Edited March 24, 2017 by normal person

[selinaluv]

I think it comes down to being who you are and doing what feels comfortable to you.

 

If she is or is not keen on it, it could indicate whether you may be a match overall.

 

If you are a communicator and she is and texting is no big deal, great. If you both are not, then that's great too. If your styles don't match, could be an issue in the future.

 

I take each guy case by case. Some text or call often, some not at all. I admit the ones who don't much, I do tend to question their interest, but that's because I am a communicator and enjoy talking to new people.

 

I am talking to one right now and we have a date tonight. We have been talking on the phone and texting (more phone) throughout the week. I am enjoying it and it is clear he is too. If we don't work out, I don't consider it time lost because it was a refreshing break getting to know someone in this OLD craziness.

 

The ones that choose not to take this course, no big deal. But I do have concern of future communication compatibility because I enjoy keeping in touch.

 

But also don't assume right away this is her style. I have started out as she has and let the guy take the lead. I let him dictate the tone and frequency. But deep down I prefer communication and have been known to lose interest and move on because it wasn't my style.

[bluefeather]

So yeah, SevenCity, please keep us posted.

[normal person]

 

So for the one I really like I ended up sending her a short message which she liked and responded to quickly (like 30 seconds) and friendly - no invitation to text further. That's it until next week. I wanted to let her know I was still around and interested without coming across like the other girl is coming across to me (I didn't say any of this mind you).

 

My plan is to see if she reaches out after the weekend, if not to send her one final text next week prior to us meeting to let her know I'll be showing up.

 

Let me know what you think of this plan.

Save

 

I think that's a great plan. Pretty much how I'd handle it too. Best of luck.

[Sweetfish]

O.P. you already have this person on a pedestal and you haven't even met her yet. You are simply two adults going on a date.

[Tressugar]

I don't ever remember dating being this difficult or challenging back in the day. What happened?!

 

We are all seriously screwed!

[SevenCity]

O.P. you already have this person on a pedestal and you haven't even met her yet. You are simply two adults going on a date.

 

I agree and was reminded of this fact on Friday.

 

I had a date with this girl and she seemed friendly via messaging but ended up being a nasty opinionated B. I believe I would categorize some points as arguing.

 

I should have left sooner but oh well.

 

This had the side effect of me being less excited about this upcoming date as the same thing might happen. As a result I've calmed down a bit.

 

She did reach out with an oddly random question this weekend. I answered and she responded with a smile and had not contacted me since.

 

So going forward with my plan stated above. Sure hope she is nicer than the last one!

 

I guess my excitement was in hopes to finally stop dating. I have several other women Im seeing and just want to get down to one.

[alcarbone]

I don't ever remember dating being this difficult or challenging back in the day. What happened?!

 

We are all seriously screwed!

 

How old are you?

[KBob]

I don't ever remember dating being this difficult or challenging back in the day. What happened?!

 

We are all seriously screwed!

 

I blame online dating and the rap music.

[CaliforniaGirl]

I don't ever remember dating being this difficult or challenging back in the day. What happened?!

 

We are all seriously screwed!

 

I don't know. I last dated in 2002. I thought dating was fun, overall. A lot of weird things happened, I have my share of stories...back then if it was nothing dangerous we'd just laugh those off or else bury our disappointment in Ben and Jerry's with a friend or two (or maybe some wine) and then we'd try again. Sometimes we got out hearts broken. Because duh. That's dating.

 

Sure, we were uncertain. Dating IS uncertain. You DON'T know if this is going to be the right relationship. That's WHY you're dating the person. To find out.

 

Uncertainty is part of the fun. Because you are in the discovery process. And discovering is delicious. Or it's supposed to be. How much fun would a movie be if you knew the ending first? Yawn. How much fun would a game of Monopoly be if you knew before you played that you'd win, and the properties you'd have and so on? People want freaking guarantees and an exact course of recommended action based on a thorough psychoanalysis of text timing, tone and frequency. Yay, fun.

 

I feel sorry for the text and social media stalker dating victims of today. When I dated, nobody tracked me.

[SevenCity]

Against my better judgment I sent another text the day of just to let her know I'd be on time as this was a date in the city and I didn't want a stand up repeat of a few weeks ago. A couple hours later she confirmed the time.

 

Seeing her in person I almost hit the floor as she was even more intoxicating to look at than her pics. As she is not naitive to this country there was some language barrier issues (she spoke English but was not as versed in vocabulary as I'm accustomed to with women who were born here). Nevertheless, she turned out to be wonderful company and was giving me signs of interest like touching my arm so I went for the kiss right at the table.

 

We ended up holding hands and kissing again as I walked her to her train.

 

During the date it came up that her ex was very controlling (she laid out all her red flags which was strange yet refreshing) so I think I definitely did the right thing by not becoming a text pest.

 

So we'll see if this ends up with a second date - I'm certainly going to ask.

 

Appreciate the advice everyone.

[bluefeather]

That actually sounds like it went really well! Sorry, I don't have any advice atm, but just wanted to say good job

[telemakus]

Omg I can't do this. I won't do this.

 

You have to understand we have never met and only have our profiles and about 6 messages back and forth on the dating app as history.

 

I have no right, nor desire, to text her everyday. I am an internet stranger to her - would you really want a stranger from the internet to text you everyday?

 

Keep in mind we are in our 40s. Not sure if this is geared towards a younger audience?

 

I agree completely. This modern fetish for endless text messaging, 'text game' etc is tedious. If you lose out because you didn't bombard her with texts, that's a bullet dodged.

[bluefeather]

I agree completely. This modern fetish for endless text messaging, 'text game' etc is tedious. If you lose out because you didn't bombard her with texts, that's a bullet dodged.

 

He already went out on the date. Get with the program!

[telemakus]

He already went out on the date. Get with the program!

 

The dangers of replying to posts as you read the thread.

 

My point still stands.