Ignore it or challenge?

[Try]

My wife still feels that it was wrong of me to invade her privacy as I had, but I want to protect my marriage. She also says on the other hand that I can look at her iPhone, iPad & MacBook anytime I want - but if I do, and find something (as I did) it then becomes an invasion of privacy. How do you reconcile the two?

You do not reconcile the two, but then again you do not need her permission to disagree with her. Tell her the following:

 

1) That a lie by omission is still a lie.

 

2) That trust must be earned and is not owed, and since she has already betrayed your trust with her cheating, inappropriate behavior, and lies by omission, her concern right now should be focused on earning your trust back again, instead of on a non-existent right to be allowed to hide it.

 

3) That you believe that other than when you are in the bathroom, there should be no expectation of privacy in a healthy marriage, and that you have no feeling of regret or guilt for what you did to protect your marriage. That if she does not agree, you are concerned that it is because she wants to reserve the right for her to be inappropriate and cheat with other men in the future.

 

4) There is a difference between privacy and secrecy, and that her secrecy has been because she knew that what she was doing was wrong.

 

5) That even if they cannot pinpoint it, a spouse knows because of red flags when something is wrong, and that the spouse has a right to investigate it to protect their marriage. Similarly, the police cannot search your home unless there are enough red flags to get a search warrant, where it then becomes perfectly acceptable for them to search your home.

 

6) That although you will try to give her the benefit of the doubt that she did not delete text messages that were even more inappropriate than what you have seen, you are under no obligation to do so if there is a next time.

Edited March 29, 2017 by Try

[BluesPower]

You're right. I know she has had a tendency at times to get into inappropriate relationships, and twice in 25 year of being together is not too bad, I suppose. For a woman with such a huge dose of emotional intelligence as she does, she shows a remarkable inability to put herself in my place in respect of her inappropriate relationship however. I don't see her as a serial cheater however. She is loving, kind, outgoing, asociable and genuinely interested in other people and their thoughts and opinions. She was working as a journalist when I met her, and she was a good one! haven't been perfect in our marriage either, although I have not had any affairs and have never been unkind to her. She has caught me out on a few occasions looking at online porn, even knowing she didn't like it. I don't do it now, but I can understand why she might feel a bit sceptical about my denials after all these years. I have not been a great communicator either, although I have been a lot better for knowing her. I love her dearly, and we do, on the whole, have a happy & fulfilling marriage. I know she loves me too. I just wish this sort of issue hadn't cropped up again.I know there is another unpleasant time coming up.I just don't want to get into a bout of mutual recriminations!

 

Dude are you kidding me... It is not twice in 25 years, it is twice that you caught her, and she was cheating with you when you met her.

 

Please don't by into her lies. Now if you cannot use any of the ED meds maybe you don't care. But she is an has been sleeping around and you have no idea how many men she has hooked up with on the road.

 

Why are you putting your head in the sand about this?

[Jazz75]

Yup. I hear what you're saying, but you don't know my wife or our relationship. She hates us being apart, and always has. We both feel that way and have always tried to spend as much time together as possible. It's the way both of us have always felt all through our marriage. Although she travels a lot in her current job,the nature of her work hasn't until the last 18 months given her any opportunity to indulge in other inappropriate relationships. I am absolutely certain there was no physical contact with this recent correspondent either, and I don't think there will be now, although I'll be more alert now. She admits she was flattered by his attention. I'll be making sure in future she doesn't need to get attention from other men to feel good about herself!

[BluesPower]

I guess at you age it may not matter, not trying to be ageist or anything.

 

If it works for you to be in denial then go ahead. Most BS want to believe their WS because it is easier.

 

I do wish you luck...

[Jazz75]

It's not ageist. You have a point. Why would I want to separate or divorce in my 70s when I could spend the last years of my life with the woman I have loved for the last 28 years, and who has given me enormous happiness, even if she needed someone else mow & again outside the marriage? Maybe instead of feeling hurt and betrayed, I should just try to get my head around it.

 

My thanks to everyone for their thoughts and comments

[Mr. Lucky]

It's not ageist. You have a point. Why would I want to separate or divorce in my 70s when I could spend the last years of my life with the woman I have loved for the last 28 years, and who has given me enormous happiness, even if she needed someone else mow & again outside the marriage? Maybe instead of feeling hurt and betrayed, I should just try to get my head around it.

 

What you should do is apply your own standards in determining what works for you. If that includes focusing solely on the future and excluding the past, well it's your head that hits the pillow each night...

 

Mr. Lucky