"Ghosting" where is the line?

[basil67]

I like what BC said. Two dates in and you're both not feeling it? No problem. Though if one party did approach for a third date, I think it's good manners to say "no".

 

I think that once a couple is exclusive, then a 'goodbye' is required. If the ghoster returned? I wouldn't give them another chance - so I guess that shows I hold them accountable.

[BC1980]

I like what BC said. Two dates in and you're both not feeling it? No problem. Though if one party did approach for a third date, I think it's good manners to say "no".

 

I think that once a couple is exclusive, then a 'goodbye' is required. If the ghoster returned? I wouldn't give them another chance - so I guess that shows I hold them accountable.

 

I think that makes sense. If the guy had asked me out again, I would have declined. I wouldn't have ignored him because I do think that would have been rude. Also, we weren't talking everyday in between dates either, so we hadn't built up any type of bond. I think a lot of this stuff just takes common sense and really depends on the circumstances. Another guy, I went on one date with him, and we talked a lot leading up to the date. But he never contacted me again after the date. Is that ghosting? I don't really know. I just assume it means he had no interest, but I don't think what he did was inappropriate. He thanked me for a nice time after the date in person but never reached out again. But it was only one date, so I don't think anyone is obligated to reach out to specifically say they don't want to see you after only one date.

 

Exclusivity is probably a good rule of thumb. I think of ghosting as dropping off the face of the earth all of a sudden and leaving a person genuinely confused. I actually did get ghosted on years ago by a guy I dated for about 4 months. It was bizarre and confusing. I thought that was pretty cruel of him, and I never heard from him again. I later found out from one of his friends that he had a history of doing that kind of thing and had some emotional problems.

[marky00]

Ghosting has no time limit.

 

 

Mr recent ex who I knew for over 10 years ghosted me last year. After bout 6 months she did start messaging me but I did not respond because there was no apology or recognition of her disappearing like that.

 

 

Ghosting certainly hurts when your on the receiving end of it. However, don't let that convince you that the other person did not care.

 

 

Ironically someone ghosting can in some cases mean they did care for you but just wanted to make the break as clean as possible.

 

 

It really depends on the people involved as to whether or not being ghosted makes things worse or better.

 

 

I do also think that ghosting also keeps the door slightly ajar for a reconciliation because you avoid all the nonsense post BU that destroys a relationship further.

 

 

It does take a lot of mental strength to accept and deal with the fact you were ghosted but you might realise long-term it actually had some spin off benefits you did not realise at the time.

[basil67]

I didn't answer in 5 words or less my perception of the ghoster's behaviour:

 

Assuming that they didn't ghost because they were legitimately scared of the dumpee's reaction.. I'd say the ghoster is a self centred individual.

Edited March 21, 2017 by basil67

[dumbass2]

"If you could sum up the behavior of "Ghosters" in 5 words or less, what would you say?"

 

Immature, Selfish, Rude, Self-absorbed, Inconsiderate.

 

Those are the nicest 5 words I could some up with.There are plenty of other words I could use, but then I'd probably have to label my behavior as "immature".

 

I personally think it is the most cruel thing you can do to someone (more than just dating a few times) that you are in a relationship with. Where have manners gone? Ghosting seems to be more of the norm nowadays and socially acceptable. I guess because of the amount of people available online these days, relationships can be easily replaced.

[LilAddison]

I like what BC said. Two dates in and you're both not feeling it? No problem. Though if one party did approach for a third date, I think it's good manners to say "no".

 

I think that once a couple is exclusive, then a 'goodbye' is required. If the ghoster returned? I wouldn't give them another chance - so I guess that shows I hold them accountable.

 

I have seen and heard of this a lot in dating (short term) I have found that despite one party approaching the other for a 3rd date, the standard is to just *Poof* and disappear. I guess people prefer "easy" over "character"?

[LilAddison]

Exclusivity is probably a good rule of thumb. I think of ghosting as dropping off the face of the earth all of a sudden and leaving a person genuinely confused.

 

I agree 110%. It happened to a friend of mine recently. A truly great MAN and absolute doll. He was clearly wounded by her just taking off after 7-8 months. It caused him a lot of self doubt and 2nd guessing himself about everything. Nothing good came from it. This has happened to him a few too many times before... Each time I see a bit more of the man disappear and more of the a**hole starting to emerge. It's heartbreaking to watch it happen. =(

[LilAddison]

Ghosting has no time limit.

 

Ghosting certainly hurts when your on the receiving end of it. However, don't let that convince you that the other person did not care.

 

I liked your other comments Marky, but I'm having a little trouble swallowing this part. Lol Isn't the act in itself behavior that is indicative of a person who didn't care? "I care, so I'm going to abandon you to deal with the garbage and distrust I created in our r'ship on your own... Because I care." It just doesn't taste right sugar! Lol

[LilAddison]

"If you could sum up the behavior of "Ghosters" in 5 words or less, what would you say?"

 

Immature, Selfish, Rude, Self-absorbed, Inconsiderate.

 

Those are the nicest 5 words I could some up with.There are plenty of other words I could use, but then I'd probably have to label my behavior as "immature".

 

I personally think it is the most cruel thing you can do to someone (more than just dating a few times) that you are in a relationship with. Where have manners gone? Ghosting seems to be more of the norm nowadays and socially acceptable. I guess because of the amount of people available online these days, relationships can be easily replaced.

 

No argument from me. I see it much the same way. It's what you do when you're too immature to accept your responsibilities and commitment obligations within a r'ship. I wouldn't have called you immature or thought any less of you! Lol The only word I can come up with is reprehensible. I can't even imagine my partner doing something so scummy to me. I trust her with my life. I would be a bawling puddle of goo for a long time if she did that to me.

[LilAddison]

Ok... So let's just say a committed, monogamous r'ship of 6 months where there have been very few problems. The overall r'ship was fun, tender and respectful equally. Then one day, out of the blue all of a sudden your partner disappears on you. No explanation... No warning... Not even a goodbye. All attempts at communication/closure are met with silence.

How are people that have that done to them supposed to react? My brain is melting just trying to think about that. It sounds unbelievably cruel to do that to another person.

[LilAddison]

For me there is never an excuse for ghosting unless there is abuse involved. It's just common courtesy and manners. Things that seem to hold little value these days.

 

People are willing to put tons of time into rubbish like social media, yet won't give someone they shared intimacy the 2 minutes of time and courtesy to say "Sorry but I don't think this is working out. I don't want to see you anymore."

 

You got a +1 from me on both points. Is it just me or does it seem like "easy" trumps "polite" now? It sure seems to. =(

[basil67]

I liked your other comments Marky, but I'm having a little trouble swallowing this part. Lol Isn't the act in itself behavior that is indicative of a person who didn't care? "I care, so I'm going to abandon you to deal with the garbage and distrust I created in our r'ship on your own... Because I care." It just doesn't taste right sugar! Lol

 

I will suggest that it's quite possible they care for their partner. It's just that they care for themselves significantly more

[LilAddison]

I will suggest that it's quite possible they care for their partner. It's just that they care for themselves significantly more

 

Selfish and narcissistic behavior as the foundation for a break up?? Nooo... That never happens!! Haha Were these people just not hugged enough as children?

 

In the case of my friend, his ex whined non-stop about how bad she was treated by her ex, friends and family... It was a pretty epic pity parade all the time. Even when they did talk briefly a few weeks ago, he was having pretty serious health complications. I let her know they had to rush him to the hospital with an internal bleeding issue. (very serious)

So what does she do?? Yup... You guessed it. Not even a text to see if he was ok. THAT is why I have trouble swallowing the idea that a person who ghosts another cares even a little bit. God, she's such a douche!! Then again, I've yet to hear anyone describe a "ghost" as a great man or woman yet. Lol

The irony? She suffers from a similar condition but far less imposing as what he has. You'd think there would be even a smidgen of empathy considering she knows what he is going through??? WTF?! Lol

[Jj66]

I draw the line at sex. If we have had sex already unless it was clearly a ONS, I feel I owe an explanation before I disappear.

[Bromeo]

5 words.

 

They are [] selfish cowards.

 

Was ghosted after 18 months. She then broke into my house to get her things. Twice.

 

No one is owed anything, but if you invest time in someone, you should at least provide them some communication.

 

How many lost souls on here would be helped or hasten healing if a cowardly ex (like mine) had at least said goodbye?

 

Screw that.

Edited March 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[LilAddison]

Sorry to hear that Bromeo. Truly, I feel for ya!

 

I would love nothing more than to participate with a social movement that shamed people who did this kind of childish crap. R'ships open people to a lot of potential emotional long term damage. I really wish offenders would nut-up and realize the damage they are potentially doing. But I guess that would mean caring, right? It was a nice thought for about 30 seconds. lol

[bluefeather]

It's one of the most cowardly ways to end a relationship. It's also very damaging. Imagine if you were in love with someone and they seemed to be in love with you as well. Then one day, poof, they are gone. Now there is a chance that you did something to make them want to leave, but there is also a chance that something bad happened. Maybe they had an accident and are in a hospital somewhere, unconscious, or worse. Maybe their car broke down in the middle of nowhere and their phone died, and they are in trouble...

 

The mind can wander down a spiral of worry and dread, if the one being ghosted actually cares about the other, all because someone didn't have the decency, respect, courtesy, or was just too chicken-sh*t of confrontation to say anything like, "I'm sorry, but this just isn't working out."

 

And once the realization sinks in, that the ghoster is ok and just decided to leave, that can start a different kind of pain - that of extreme rejection.

 

This is an interesting article I sometimes refer people to when they bring up the topic of ghosting:

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-forward/201511/is-why-ghosting-hurts-so-much

[Bromeo]

Sorry to hear that Bromeo. Truly, I feel for ya!

 

I would love nothing more than to participate with a social movement that shamed people who did this kind of childish crap. R'ships open people to a lot of potential emotional long term damage. I really wish offenders would nut-up and realize the damage they are potentially doing. But I guess that would mean caring, right? It was a nice thought for about 30 seconds. lol

 

Thank you. Most acutely painful experience of my life. Learned an immense amount about not chasing, no contact, breadcrumbs, bpd, clear communication.

 

And most of all, how terrible push/pull can make someone feel.

 

Lesson being, I'll never treat anyone like that. Ever. And I've started implementing those lessons already.

 

Read my thread for a laugh. 5000+ views strong. Lol

[basil67]

Selfish and narcissistic behavior as the foundation for a break up?? Nooo... That never happens!! Haha Were these people just not hugged enough as children?

 

In the case of my friend, his ex whined non-stop about how bad she was treated by her ex, friends and family... It was a pretty epic pity parade all the time. Even when they did talk briefly a few weeks ago, he was having pretty serious health complications. I let her know they had to rush him to the hospital with an internal bleeding issue. (very serious)

So what does she do?? Yup... You guessed it. Not even a text to see if he was ok. THAT is why I have trouble swallowing the idea that a person who ghosts another cares even a little bit. God, she's such a douche!! Then again, I've yet to hear anyone describe a "ghost" as a great man or woman yet. Lol

The irony? She suffers from a similar condition but far less imposing as what he has. You'd think there would be even a smidgen of empathy considering she knows what he is going through??? WTF?! Lol

 

Hang on, it sounds like they were exes when he had to go to hospital. If so, that's not ghosting. If they'd broken up, she's done nothing wrong.

[marky00]

I liked your other comments Marky, but I'm having a little trouble swallowing this part. Lol Isn't the act in itself behavior that is indicative of a person who didn't care? "I care, so I'm going to abandon you to deal with the garbage and distrust I created in our r'ship on your own... Because I care." It just doesn't taste right sugar! Lol

 

Sure, I totally understand your sentiment.

 

 

But once your Ex reaches out with breadcrumbs in 6 months or so (they always do), you might start to see things different.

 

 

Thing is there is two angles to the word "caring".

 

 

Caring as in terms of seeing you as a long-time partner and caring for you as a human being.

 

 

Unfortunately once someone does not see a future with you, all bets are off. However, a lot of the time these people do still care for you as a person.

 

 

There are some people who just cannot deal with negative emotions and so when faced with the above dilemma, turn to ghosting because for them they just can't see another solution.

 

 

So the lack of care you are feeling is correct but it is in terms of not being in love with you and not seeing you as a long-term partner. That's the rejection a dumpee feels.

 

 

However, as you start to heal after months of NC, you will find it harder to convince yourself that the dumper did not care for you as a person. That aspect is also part of the forgiveness process that leads to further healing.

 

 

Ghosting also happens a lot when the dumper has already met someone else. They know how awful the situation has turned and really just cannot face the dumpee and know there is nothing that can tell them that will ease their pain.

 

 

I do agree that ghosting is a form of self-preservation for the dumper and thus is a selfish act but as I have explained, if a 3rd party is involved or if the dumper doesn't have the necessary people skills to navigate through an awful breakup, the act of ghosting shouldn't be all that surprising.

Edited March 22, 2017 by marky00

[LilAddison]

Hang on, it sounds like they were exes when he had to go to hospital. If so, that's not ghosting. If they'd broken up, she's done nothing wrong.

 

She ghosted him a while ago... I stepped in to help reopen communication (and it did work for a bit) because he was pretty stressed. (and rightfully so) There was no break up... She ghosted him, remember?

 

Just because you are not bound by verbal commitment doesn't mean that person is completely insignificant and their efforts during the time they were together count for nothing. It may not be a rule "Thou must care about thy ex", but it sure says something about her character. While they were talking she kept saying how much she cared about him and what a great person she was... Words without behavior to back them up are just air.

 

She knew he was ill because of the stress she was putting him through. Like I said, she has a similar condition and knows how stress affects her. She knew ghosting him would hurt him. She said it herself.

 

True there are limitations to obligations that you have to an ex. (Asking for a ride to the airport is pushing it Lol) I'm not saying there isn't. But caring about a lovers well-being after the fact is not a big ask of another human being. Especially when she knows she is causing said issues and ghosts him again when she finds out he is in distress.

 

One could define the opposite of ghosting is respecting. Nothing about her behavior screams out respect to me.

[LilAddison]

Update... I managed to get them talking again, but Kelly just pulled the disappearing act again. *sigh*

The silly part is Taylor doesn't even really care about the r'ship anymore. It's the "friendship must be the most import thing" speech that Kelly preached to him/her repeatedly that has the frustration meter hitting the roof.

It's hard not to roll my eyes at the hypocrisy. Lol

[basil67]

Kelly is broken. Taylor is a doormat who needs to learn that he/she cannot fix other people. And you need to stop interfering.

[basil67]

Ok... So let's just say a committed, monogamous r'ship of 6 months where there have been very few problems. The overall r'ship was fun, tender and respectful equally. Then one day, out of the blue all of a sudden your partner disappears on you. No explanation... No warning... Not even a goodbye. All attempts at communication/closure are met with silence.

How are people that have that done to them supposed to react? My brain is melting just trying to think about that. It sounds unbelievably cruel to do that to another person.

 

You recently started a thread where Kelly ghosted on Taylor. That wasn't a great relationship. Kelly was a hot mess and Taylor seemed to think he could help her.

 

Or are you now talking about someone else again?

[William]

Folks, moderation merged two threads with similar content with no deletions so there may be some overlapping or duplicate content. Please continue the discussion on this breakup and related content in this thread. Thanks!