Ex GF (Dumper) just called me after a month of NC

[trustyourself]

Tbh i never thought my ex was the "game player " type, never ever would have thought that. Sometimes i really dont think its even conscious... i think its subconsious, and maybe a standard reaction in the world of human mating psychology. I dont think they even know they are doing it, and i dont think they even think about it like that. Its just a standard reaction to NC it seems like.

 

I think it has a lot to do with the fact that, outside of Loveshack, the NC concept isnt really common knowlege. Most people dont do NC. Most dumpees chase, stay in contact, be "friends", be a doormat, or beg until they are hated by the dumper. When you go NC, i actually believe its likely the first time it's ever happened to the dumper, and they are very confused and thrown off by it. I think that's what gets to them, and what gets them to start sending breadcrumbs. As soon as you break NC, they disappear again, and the allure is gone. That's my guess.

 

I am still conflicted as to whether what Bromeo and I did were even the right moves, and if we should have just stuck it out and played the ignore game for longer. Like i said before, my personal belief is that we showed strength, independence and maturity by "cutting the cord" and telling them to stop contact. But, the perspective of a dumper is unknown.

 

I often think "i was strong, i showed i wasnt going to be her doormat, i stood up to her, i displayed my value, etc"... but if that is the case... where the hell is the dumper? If i was as strong, sexy and assertive as i thought i was... why didnt she come running back?? It makes me think she didn't take it that way at all. Maybe she took it like im butthurt still. Maybe she thinks im being unreasonable. Maybe she thinks its a charade and im not really as strong as i appear. I dont know. That's why i still wonder if i made the right move.

 

I dont high school games, and i won't play them, but i do wonder if that playing them is truly the only way to get back together with an ex. What if that is just the way it is? What if reconciliation is impossible without gaming the dumper

 

Honestly, at the end of the day, the breadcrumbs are subconcious, as are most emotions. Especially when it was a LTR. Even to the dumper, you were a central part of their life. They will miss you. They will question if they made the right decision.

 

I truly believe that the only way to get back together, is to give each other space, learn from the mistakes each party made, and heal, forgive and let go of the resentment and history.

 

This is not something that is done in a few months. I think this takes at least 12 months. But the risk is they or you might have moved on by that point and found someone else. That is why there seems to be so few success stories.

 

All I know, is that if you can take the lessons learned, and eventually reconnect and start fresh, anything is possible

[trustyourself]

So it has been 2 weeks since I got the call. Not a peep since then, apart from a like on an Instagram post on Sunday, which means nothing.

 

The urge to contact her this week has been overwhelming at times. It has been a tough week for me.

 

I am moving this weekend, so have been busy packing up my life into boxes, and of course, there are memories everywhere.

 

I was going to ask her to move in with me when I moved. That has weighed heavily on my mind, but I suppose I dodged a bullet if our relationship was that tenuous.

 

Maybe the call was her closure? Maybe it was breadcrumbs? The mind is cruel sometimes.

 

I am trying to be strong and realize that it does not matter what the call was. She chose not to be with me. Chose not to try and fix us. She is happier without me in her life.

 

I still feel miserable.

[Bromeo]

Tbh i never thought my ex was the "game player " type, never ever would have thought that. Sometimes i really dont think its even conscious... i think its subconsious, and maybe a standard reaction in the world of human mating psychology. I dont think they even know they are doing it, and i dont think they even think about it like that. Its just a standard reaction to NC it seems like.

 

I think it has a lot to do with the fact that, outside of Loveshack, the NC concept isnt really common knowlege. Most people dont do NC. Most dumpees chase, stay in contact, be "friends", be a doormat, or beg until they are hated by the dumper. When you go NC, i actually believe its likely the first time it's ever happened to the dumper, and they are very confused and thrown off by it. I think that's what gets to them, and what gets them to start sending breadcrumbs. As soon as you break NC, they disappear again, and the allure is gone. That's my guess.

 

I am still conflicted as to whether what Bromeo and I did were even the right moves, and if we should have just stuck it out and played the ignore game for longer. Like i said before, my personal belief is that we showed strength, independence and maturity by "cutting the cord" and telling them to stop contact. But, the perspective of a dumper is unknown.

 

I often think "i was strong, i showed i wasnt going to be her doormat, i stood up to her, i displayed my value, etc"... but if that is the case... where the hell is the dumper? If i was as strong, sexy and assertive as i thought i was... why didnt she come running back?? It makes me think she didn't take it that way at all. Maybe she took it like im butthurt still. Maybe she thinks im being unreasonable. Maybe she thinks its a charade and im not really as strong as i appear. I dont know. That's why i still wonder if i made the right move.

 

I dont high school games, and i won't play them, but i do wonder if that playing them is truly the only way to get back together with an ex. What if that is just the way it is? What if reconciliation is impossible without gaming the dumper

 

Jam, here's the thing. Your big brain will drive you crazy if keep up those circular, spinning thoughts.

 

I like to keep things simple. If she loved me, she'd be here right now, working on it. There wouldn't be confusion, no contact games, breakup psychology, and grief.

 

Let me give you an example. I am educated, fit, very professional, traveled, and have hobbies. Oh, and I'm 6'5. When I'm healed up, if I want I'll find another woman, apply what I've learned (I'm already doing that), and make a new, wonderful relationship. I can promise there may be one or two qts out there who may take a fancy to me.

 

Take pride in yourself. Yours and my ex whacked us pretty good, but when you take the emotion and rejection out, who will do better in the long run?

[trustyourself]

Jam, Bromeo,

 

I am curious as to how often the breadcrumbs came, and how long it started happening after the breakup or NC?

 

I have continued NC, and I am feeling a little better, but that varies by day.

 

I guess I am just trying to understand timelines? I just dont want to think her call was a closure call and get blindsided by another call and not be prepared. haha

[lolablue17]

You are right to assume that it was just breadcrumbs. She is using you for her own interests and ego.

 

Next time she calls, ask her to stop calling you, telling her that she missed her chance with you.

[basil67]

You asked if the dumper can be trusted. If someone treated me how she treated you, I would not trust them again.

 

I'm actually alarmed that you still love her. Mate, you really need to work on your self respect and cut rubbish like this out of your life. You deserve better.

[magnesium]

This person is a villain now.

 

Either cut this person out of your life, or destroy it.

[Bromeo]

Jam, Bromeo,

 

I am curious as to how often the breadcrumbs came, and how long it started happening after the breakup or NC?

 

I have continued NC, and I am feeling a little better, but that varies by day.

 

I guess I am just trying to understand timelines? I just dont want to think her call was a closure call and get blindsided by another call and not be prepared. haha

 

My brother,

 

Don't use me as any sort of baseline. I was so emotional and out of control I acted like I was short a chromosome. Lol

 

I think the timeline starts after you finally stop chasing and both go nc. There's really no rules to this thing, but two months on seems to be the norm. I got emails after a month, but she wasn't any different at all. Same games, same distancing, same nonsense. I have been very envious of those who do get closure, as they seem to heal at a much faster pace. But that's just my immaturity talking, at 38.

 

I am the same, getting better day by day. One thing I've noticed is the down periods are shorter.

[jamili]

Jam, Bromeo,

 

I am curious as to how often the breadcrumbs came, and how long it started happening after the breakup or NC?

 

I have continued NC, and I am feeling a little better, but that varies by day.

 

I guess I am just trying to understand timelines? I just dont want to think her call was a closure call and get blindsided by another call and not be prepared. haha

 

 

My breadcrumbs started literally a day after the breakup. Initially probably like 10 or so texts during the day, but we still lived together. I ignored 99% of them, and avoided her the best I could until move-out day (we lived together).

 

Then, after moving out,they continued for about a week - At this time I told her to please stop texting me, as i was trying to move on. That got her to ask to come over and see my new place, in which I actually replied yes, and she then hours later she cancelled, said it was a bad idea, and demanded we go NC immediately. I... had been mostly NC that whole time, so it was weird, but I stayed NC. Literally the very next day, and for the following week, she continued to text me, i mostly ignored, but I answered one about something I left there. Then, after answering that, she stopped.

 

One month after move out day, I got a few texts and emails from her, about seemingly logistical stuff (but not really, just an excuse). I answered short and polite in 3 sentences. Silence from her.

 

3 months after move out day, she started emailing me a bunch of random photos, that I didn't even know where they were from. I ignored.

 

4 months after move out day, she started texting me again. This time starting to increase in frequency. I ignored most, but replied to a couple, in short-polite and indifferent answers again, as they were logistical (again, not really logistical.. an excuse). After that is what prompted me to tell her to please don't contact me if it isn't something meaningful and to respect my wish to stay NC. And, of course, her response was again silence on her end immediately.

 

And that brings me to now, month 5. I haven't heard anything since. But basically after moving out I was contacted pretty consistently each month. Each a random-ass thing that was totally an excuse to contact. I have a feeling after this one, she's going to take me seriously, and abide by my request for NC, because I was pretty firm about it in the message. But... who knows...

 

Note: Not a single time did I ever reach out to her or initiate contact with her after the breakup. All of that contact was initiated by her. It's crazy how many breadcrumbs I got in the beginning. Literally blowing up my phone with the most random things. But, if I ever mentioned reconciliation either by text or in person while I was living there, she would RETRACT and ignore me for hours, and then start blowing up my phone with texts again. I kept thinking she must be super conflicted. But not a single word about working things out, talking things over, or anything like that ever came out of her mouth or text. All just random stuff. Sometimes she was asking me to cook together, go food shopping together, watch TV together, watch a movie together.

 

I actually tried this once, like a week after the breakup. She was sitting on the couch watching TV when I got home from work. She asked if I wanted to sit down and watch it. Instead of avoiding her, I actually did, and she put her legs up on my lap. So after an episode, being as it had been a week of completely avoiding her, I calmly ask her if she would like to talk about things - IMMEDIATELY she flipped a switch, tells me "No, it's over!" and turned cold. On that day I just said "look, I'm not going to sit here and watch TV with you if you don't want to work things out" and just avoided her hardcore the rest of the time, and ignored all her requests to watch more TV or stuff like that.

Edited March 25, 2017 by jamili

[trustyourself]

Thanks for your thoughts guys.

 

I must admit, continued NC is torture. I just seem to miss her more and more.

 

I have tried to list the negatives to our relationship, and use that as a tool to move on, but all in all, we were amazing together when things were going well.

 

My biggest fear is that the call was a way to open communication, and I am missing my chance to reconcile, but I realize that she needs to do that as the dumper.

 

The thing is, I must be the only one who feels we could work it out and make our relationship even better. Maybe she just needs time.. but the longer it goes on, the more distance between us, I feel she will just move on.

 

Or maybe we both just need time? I have not seen her in 3 months now. She has only told me she missed me once. I guess I need to take that as a sign that she is fine, and has moved on. Ugh, that just sucks.

 

Sorry about the rambling...

 

Any dumpees who have succesfully reopened a path to re-uniting, I would love to hear your thoughts?

 

I moved this weekend, and that was hard. It is amazing what you pull out of drawers and cabinets that make the memories come flooding in. I am looking forward to each memory being stripped of the emotion that comes with them as of now.

[jamili]

Thanks for your thoughts guys.

 

I must admit, continued NC is torture. I just seem to miss her more and more.

 

I have tried to list the negatives to our relationship, and use that as a tool to move on, but all in all, we were amazing together when things were going well.

 

My biggest fear is that the call was a way to open communication, and I am missing my chance to reconcile, but I realize that she needs to do that as the dumper.

 

The thing is, I must be the only one who feels we could work it out and make our relationship even better. Maybe she just needs time.. but the longer it goes on, the more distance between us, I feel she will just move on.

 

Or maybe we both just need time? I have not seen her in 3 months now. She has only told me she missed me once. I guess I need to take that as a sign that she is fine, and has moved on. Ugh, that just sucks.

 

Sorry about the rambling...

 

Any dumpees who have succesfully reopened a path to re-uniting, I would love to hear your thoughts?

 

I moved this weekend, and that was hard. It is amazing what you pull out of drawers and cabinets that make the memories come flooding in. I am looking forward to each memory being stripped of the emotion that comes with them as of now.

 

All of the things you are mentioning, all of the feelings you are having, all of the these thoughts and fears... it's 100% textbook. We have all been there, and a lot of us, including myself, are going through the same thing right now and trust me we understand.

 

Here's the thing though that I've learned from others that you need to understand - in order for there to be successful reconciliation in your future, you both NEED to move on. Thats the thing. It seems counterintuitive, i know. But its just the way it is. If one of you isnt moved on, it wont work. You both have to grow, change, and completely move on in order to reconcilie some day. This kind of growth takes many months and often many years.

 

So, dont fear she moves on... hope for it! You have to too! Its the only way. Keep NC - move on faster - potentialy reconcile sooner.

[SpecialJ]

The reason your NC healing is slow is because you're still too focused on what she's thinking and not focused on yourself.

 

I was having this problem too when my ex decided we could be insta-friends a week after he dumped me, ignoring my direct requests for space. I'd end up going no contact for two weeks, then give in to his constant contact, then NC, then repeat. But those periods of NC were awful for me because I missed him so much, just kept wondering what he was thinking and if I could be there for him since he was having some issues and if we could eventually make things work (he wouldn't contact me so much if he wasn't still into me, right??? no, it eventually became clear all was breadcrumbs).

 

After 4 months, I was really tired of feeling terrible, stuck, and bulldozed so finally truly cut contact in a healthy way. I'm no longer concerned about what he is doing when or with whom or how he's feeling. His problems are his own to deal with. I'm mostly focused on me and it is resulting in me processing this selfish and immature side he's shared -- and I deserve to be treated better.

 

So I'm not trying to threadjack, but trying to contrast the two NC mindsets. I'm not waiting for his call or planning what to say if it comes, even though I do still love him (that doesn't just go away). I'm just doing my thing and trying to heal and move on, but it took months to get there. You definitely need to give yourself more time. If she was trying to win you back, she'd let you know. If she doesn't let you know but reconciling IS her intention, it actually means she didn't fix her bad communication and it wouldn't work out yet anyway. Focus on yourself and try to stop feeling like you're missing out by not being in touch with her. You're not missing out, because you're getting to skip the drama and prioritize you! It also matters just as much if not moreso how someone treats you when everything isn't going well. Your long term partner has to be there for you in ups and downs, and do you want someone who gives great ups but projects, doesn't communicate, then bails during downs?

 

Listen to your gut. You said she's immature and you both need more time. "Trust yourself" and give that time to yourself without worrying about what it will do to her.

[jamili]

The reason your NC healing is slow is because you're still too focused on what she's thinking and not focused on yourself.

 

I was having this problem too when my ex decided we could be insta-friends a week after he dumped me, ignoring my direct requests for space. I'd end up going no contact for two weeks, then give in to his constant contact, then NC, then repeat. But those periods of NC were awful for me because I missed him so much, just kept wondering what he was thinking and if I could be there for him since he was having some issues and if we could eventually make things work (he wouldn't contact me so much if he wasn't still into me, right??? no, it eventually became clear all was breadcrumbs).

 

After 4 months, I was really tired of feeling terrible, stuck, and bulldozed so finally truly cut contact in a healthy way. I'm no longer concerned about what he is doing when or with whom or how he's feeling. His problems are his own to deal with. I'm mostly focused on me and it is resulting in me processing this selfish and immature side he's shared -- and I deserve to be treated better.

 

So I'm not trying to threadjack, but trying to contrast the two NC mindsets. I'm not waiting for his call or planning what to say if it comes, even though I do still love him (that doesn't just go away). I'm just doing my thing and trying to heal and move on, but it took months to get there. You definitely need to give yourself more time. If she was trying to win you back, she'd let you know. If she doesn't let you know but reconciling IS her intention, it actually means she didn't fix her bad communication and it wouldn't work out yet anyway. Focus on yourself and try to stop feeling like you're missing out by not being in touch with her. You're not missing out, because you're getting to skip the drama and prioritize you! It also matters just as much if not moreso how someone treats you when everything isn't going well. Your long term partner has to be there for you in ups and downs, and do you want someone who gives great ups but projects, doesn't communicate, then bails during downs?

 

Listen to your gut. You said she's immature and you both need more time. "Trust yourself" and give that time to yourself without worrying about what it will do to her.

 

The breadcrumbs are definitely holding him back. It's really, really hard to cut contact when they are constantly contacting you and giving you hope. It feels so wrong and counterintuitive to force contact to stop with someone you very badly want to reconcile with. That's its so hard. When someone you deeply love and want to be with is texting or calling you all the time, there will always be some part of your brain that thinks there is a chance - and that's the mistake. Cutting contact for real is the only real way to get over the relationship. That means extinguishing the breadcrumbs or having the strength to ignore them (i didnt have this strength).

[Bromeo]

The reason your NC healing is slow is because you're still too focused on what she's thinking and not focused on yourself.

 

I was having this problem too when my ex decided we could be insta-friends a week after he dumped me, ignoring my direct requests for space. I'd end up going no contact for two weeks, then give in to his constant contact, then NC, then repeat. But those periods of NC were awful for me because I missed him so much, just kept wondering what he was thinking and if I could be there for him since he was having some issues and if we could eventually make things work (he wouldn't contact me so much if he wasn't still into me, right??? no, it eventually became clear all was breadcrumbs).

 

After 4 months, I was really tired of feeling terrible, stuck, and bulldozed so finally truly cut contact in a healthy way. I'm no longer concerned about what he is doing when or with whom or how he's feeling. His problems are his own to deal with. I'm mostly focused on me and it is resulting in me processing this selfish and immature side he's shared -- and I deserve to be treated better.

 

So I'm not trying to threadjack, but trying to contrast the two NC mindsets. I'm not waiting for his call or planning what to say if it comes, even though I do still love him (that doesn't just go away). I'm just doing my thing and trying to heal and move on, but it took months to get there. You definitely need to give yourself more time. If she was trying to win you back, she'd let you know. If she doesn't let you know but reconciling IS her intention, it actually means she didn't fix her bad communication and it wouldn't work out yet anyway. Focus on yourself and try to stop feeling like you're missing out by not being in touch with her. You're not missing out, because you're getting to skip the drama and prioritize you! It also matters just as much if not moreso how someone treats you when everything isn't going well. Your long term partner has to be there for you in ups and downs, and do you want someone who gives great ups but projects, doesn't communicate, then bails during downs?

 

Listen to your gut. You said she's immature and you both need more time. "Trust yourself" and give that time to yourself without worrying about what it will do to her.

 

This is extremely well put, and fascinating from a ladies perspective. And, it's almost the reverse of what happened to me.

 

For context, mine would reach and reel me everytime she felt pulling away, which was usually after she'd done something atrocious, like break into my house, or disappear after hooking up, or dump a 600 dollar bill on me, etc.

 

I would eat those yummy crumbs every time, and it only gave more pain each time.

 

Mine is immature as well, which is why even though I cut contact, I'll hear from her. Only I've read, worked on myself, and studied so much that I'm much better prepped.

 

Point is, nc is for you. I'd be much further along by this point if I had just listened to two of my friends.

[BryanSmiley]

It also matters just as much if not moreso how someone treats you when everything isn't going well. Your long term partner has to be there for you in ups and downs, and do you want someone who gives great ups but projects, doesn't communicate, then bails during downs?

 

Listen to your gut. You said she's immature and you both need more time. "Trust yourself" and give that time to yourself without worrying about what it will do to her.

 

So true here. The trouble I think it's fair to say, is many in today's society are a little less loyal than days of hold, less willing to stand by people, and too often chase the next high. Essentially G.I.G.S.

 

But that's no excuse. If you are willing to maturely persevere and negotiate through issues rather than bail too easily, and your partner isn't - there's an issue there.

 

You'd always be worried with someone like that, that the first big bump and they'll be unsettled, possibly bail again.

 

It might take them years to look back on their failed relationships and accept any scent of, perhaps I should've worked at it.

 

There loss by that point.

[mightycpa]

Even to the dumper, you were a central part of their life. They will miss you. They will question if they made the right decision.

As a dumpee, you WANT to believe this, believe me, I know. But I wouldn't hang my hat on it. First, as a dumper, I can't say I ever did, not once. When I pulled the trigger, I meant it. That said, I'm just one data point out of billions. The more telling statistic is that most people simply move on to the next one. Whether they choose to cut if off clean, or they yo-yo back and forth, the result is the same. Somebody new comes into the picture, and it's out with the old, in with the new.

[jamili]

As a dumpee, you WANT to believe this, believe me, I know. But I wouldn't hang my hat on it. First, as a dumper, I can't say I ever did, not once. When I pulled the trigger, I meant it. That said, I'm just one data point out of billions. The more telling statistic is that most people simply move on to the next one. Whether they choose to cut if off clean, or they yo-yo back and forth, the result is the same. Somebody new comes into the picture, and it's out with the old, in with the new.

 

I think this is sometimes an important part of potential reconciliation. If you were generally a great partner and treated them well, and there was a reaal connection, subsequent relationships can show the dumper what they threw away.

 

Imagine you dump someone for a immature reason like GIGS (which seems really common on this forum), and then you go on to date 10+ ****ty godawful pieces of **** people, which is definitely possible... wouldnt you reflect back on your old, good relationship that you left because "you wanted to see what was out there" and be like "damn, what did i do?".

 

I personally HOPE my ex is dating other guys, i really, really do. I know she's probably not because she's so adverse to relationships and has so many trust issues with men, but i really wish that she would. Its the best way for them to learn how good they had it IMO.

 

Even dumpees, have you started dating after the breakup and discovered that each person you meet reminds you of how much you miss your ex? It happens both ways.

 

Out with the old, in with the new can be a great learning experience for a dumper and IMO we all should be happy they are dating other people.

 

Note: Whether you choose to be their plan B after they realize what they ****ed up is your business. It is definitely a bit insulting to have someone take you for granted and then only realize that after exhausting other options.

Edited March 28, 2017 by jamili

[trustyourself]

I think this is sometimes an important part of potential reconciliation. If you were generally a great partner and treated them well, and there was a reaal connection, subsequent relationships can show the dumper what they threw away.

 

Imagine you dump someone for a immature reason like GIGS (which seems really common on this forum), and then you go on to date 10+ ****ty godawful pieces of **** people, which is definitely possible... wouldnt you reflect back on your old, good relationship that you left because "you wanted to see what was out there" and be like "damn, what did i do?".

 

I personally HOPE my ex is dating other guys, i really, really do. I know she's probably not because she's so adverse to relationships and has so many trust issues with men, but i really wish that she would. Its the best way for them to learn how good they had it IMO.

 

Even dumpees, have you started dating after the breakup and discovered that each person you meet reminds you of how much you miss your ex? It happens both ways.

 

Out with the old, in with the new can be a great learning experience for a dumper and IMO we all should be happy they are dating other people.

 

Note: Whether you choose to be their plan B after they realize what they ****ed up is your business. It is definitely a bit insulting to have someone take you for granted and then only realize that after exhausting other options.

 

This is really relevant to me.

 

I treated her really well. We went on lots of great dates and adventures. I was super supportive to her when it came to her family issues, and work. We definitely had a strong and real connection.

 

But the things she said to me post BU really floored me. She called me a liar and a manipulator and that she could not trust me. But when she called 3 weeks ago, not a mention of that, and she said all she remembers is the great times we had, and how it was so much fun.

 

GIGS? Possibly, but I have not heard from her since, so maybe it was just her guilt she wanted to apologize for and reminisce for closure?

 

It was a very muddled message, but I just try to think of the fact she still did not want to see me. Awful, awful breadcrumbs..

 

In a way, I hope she is happy, and taking the time to be single and work on herself. She has never had that experience. She needs to grow up a bit, and figure out what she wants, so she can have that space, and I will continue NC.

 

As for plan B, yes, that is definitely something you would have to overcome. But I guess in a way it would be flattering if they came back after realizing that you are better then anything else out there? Haha

[trustyourself]

The reason your NC healing is slow is because you're still too focused on what she's thinking and not focused on yourself.

 

 

Focus on yourself and try to stop feeling like you're missing out by not being in touch with her. You're not missing out, because you're getting to skip the drama and prioritize you! It also matters just as much if not moreso how someone treats you when everything isn't going well. Your long term partner has to be there for you in ups and downs, and do you want someone who gives great ups but projects, doesn't communicate, then bails during downs?

 

Listen to your gut. You said she's immature and you both need more time. "Trust yourself" and give that time to yourself without worrying about what it will do to her.

 

You speak the truth. I am definitely trying to shift the focus. I find it easier when I am busy. So I have been diving into work, I have moved homes (I did not tell her.) and that has been consuming the evening hours with unpacking etc. (though there is definitely a lot of memories in those boxes)

In a way it is a fresh start. Anything I own associated with her is going into one box and being stored in the back of my closet. Not quite ready to burn it all in a barrel, but I am sure I will get there.

 

As for focusing on me, I am going back to a clean diet, and found a new gym partner to lift with. I want to look and feel as good as I can with this new start

[jamili]

This is really relevant to me.

 

I treated her really well. We went on lots of great dates and adventures. I was super supportive to her when it came to her family issues, and work. We definitely had a strong and real connection.

 

But the things she said to me post BU really floored me. She called me a liar and a manipulator and that she could not trust me. But when she called 3 weeks ago, not a mention of that, and she said all she remembers is the great times we had, and how it was so much fun.

 

GIGS? Possibly, but I have not heard from her since, so maybe it was just her guilt she wanted to apologize for and reminisce for closure?

 

It was a very muddled message, but I just try to think of the fact she still did not want to see me. Awful, awful breadcrumbs..

 

In a way, I hope she is happy, and taking the time to be single and work on herself. She has never had that experience. She needs to grow up a bit, and figure out what she wants, so she can have that space, and I will continue NC.

 

As for plan B, yes, that is definitely something you would have to overcome. But I guess in a way it would be flattering if they came back after realizing that you are better then anything else out there? Haha

 

So... we dated the same woman lol. Here's something to look into- Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I didnt even know about it until recently, thanks to LS, but after researching it, i was shocked to see just how many of these triats my ex had.

 

My ex called me a liar and manipuator too, and it came out of NOWHERE. Of course, like you, i never lied to her and I'm actually a very open and honest person in general. But, she was convinced. Yet, she was contacting me for months after the breakup, and even right after the accusations she treated me like everything was fine and nothing happened. IDK if the "i cant trust you" thing is a common BS excuse, or what, but her actions didnt line up with her words... and it sounds similar to your situation.

 

Just dont make the mistakes i made. I recently told her to stop contacting me, if it isnt for something meaningful. At the time, i felt mature and civil about doing it. Now i feel like a fool for responding to her at all. Trust everyone on here... do NOT break NC. Dont respond to her, dont reply to her, just disappear. Anything else will have you feeling like a fool, and will probably just push her further away. This includes casual chitchat.

[trustyourself]

So... we dated the same woman lol. Here's something to look into- Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I didnt even know about it until recently, thanks to LS, but after researching it, i was shocked to see just how many of these triats my ex had.

 

My ex called me a liar and manipuator too, and it came out of NOWHERE.

 

JTrust everyone on here... do NOT break NC. Dont respond to her, dont reply to her, just disappear. Anything else will have you feeling like a fool, and will probably just push her further away. This includes casual chitchat.

 

Haha, so I guess she is not one of a kind?

 

I did consider BPD. She had a health scare where she had to have emergency surgery just over a year ago, and I think it really freaked her out and may have triggered something along these lines. But honestly? I just think she is unhappy with herself and her life. I was a band aid for that, and she realized that she is unhappy in all aspects of her life. I was the easy punching bag to make a change.. All speculation, but it seems that way.

 

I am definitely not going to reach out to her, and I will likely ignore texts, but if she calls, that will be hard to ignore.

 

It has been 3 months since we broke up, and I am now working towards forgiving, forgetting and moving forward with my life. I still hold out hope that in 6 to 12 months she will want to give it another shot. But hopefully by then this relationship will just be a fond memory, and I will have upgraded to someone who loves and respects me as an equal. (Or maybe she will have emotionally matured) Fingers crossed.

[jamili]

Haha, so I guess she is not one of a kind?

 

I did consider BPD. She had a health scare where she had to have emergency surgery just over a year ago, and I think it really freaked her out and may have triggered something along these lines. But honestly? I just think she is unhappy with herself and her life. I was a band aid for that, and she realized that she is unhappy in all aspects of her life. I was the easy punching bag to make a change.. All speculation, but it seems that way.

 

I am definitely not going to reach out to her, and I will likely ignore texts, but if she calls, that will be hard to ignore.

 

It has been 3 months since we broke up, and I am now working towards forgiving, forgetting and moving forward with my life. I still hold out hope that in 6 to 12 months she will want to give it another shot. But hopefully by then this relationship will just be a fond memory, and I will have upgraded to someone who loves and respects me as an equal. (Or maybe she will have emotionally matured) Fingers crossed.

 

I like your mindset, i think you are on the right track. IMO, if she calls, i would pick up. Why? Because its more effort than texting. I would at least pick up and find out why she is calling... but if it wasnt for reconciliation, i would politely but firmly tell her to please avoid calling you unles its for something legitimate, and end the conversation. You dont want to end up her "friend" either. And honestlt she shouldn't be contacting you unless she wants to get back together, anything else is unhealthy and just will hild you back on your healing.

 

3 months isnt long. I woudnt be surprised if she grows more in 12 and contacts you then with something more sincere. Dont bank on it, but its possible. There are psych studies to support that dumpers often dont even start to reflect on the past relationship or the breakup untio around 6 months after the breakup... so she likely hasnt even begun that important stage yet...and during that time you want to be a GHOST.

[Bromeo]

How about this?

 

Just work on yourself, forget about them, forget about breakup psychology, and find someone who treats you with respect, kindness, communicates, and doesn't leave the second things get rough?

 

Easier said than done I know, and I struggle with it as well. Time gives a ton of perspective.

 

Mine bailed on me three times without even a text about what was wrong. This is what I mean.

 

Another couple months and I will be so far over it, I could be on Pluto for all it matters.

[SpecialJ]

Agree with jamili and with bromeo!

 

To jamili's point, you don't have to totally dismiss her. If she calls, you don't have to answer (how would you feel if it was just a pocket dial?), but you can text her back a quick and short hey I'm busy, but is it important? I think NC is important for you because it just sounds like you need it to get into a better headspace, but I'm not pro ghosting altogether if it means being blatantly disrespectful.

 

To bromeo's point, however, I also hope you can move away from the mindset of thinking through these contact scenarios. What he says is right, but not easy.

[trustyourself]

3 months isnt long. I woudnt be surprised if she grows more in 12 and contacts you then with something more sincere. Dont bank on it, but its possible. There are psych studies to support that dumpers often dont even start to reflect on the past relationship or the breakup untio around 6 months after the breakup... so she likely hasnt even begun that important stage yet...and during that time you want to be a GHOST.

 

That is what my friends tell me. 3 Months is nothing.

The study is interesting. I wonder why that is the case? Honestly the more I reflect on the call, it does sound like she has been thinking about it, but upon reflection, it was self serving, as that she just felt guilty about how she went about the BU.

 

How about this?

 

Just work on yourself, forget about them, forget about breakup psychology, and find someone who treats you with respect, kindness, communicates, and doesn't leave the second things get rough?

 

 

I totally agree Bromeo, but at this point in time, finding someone feels impossible! Once I am removed from the heart ache and the temporary insanity, I am sure it will seem more realistic

 

Agree with jamili and with bromeo!

 

To jamili's point, you don't have to totally dismiss her. If she calls, you don't have to answer (how would you feel if it was just a pocket dial?), but you can text her back a quick and short hey I'm busy, but is it important? I think NC is important for you because it just sounds like you need it to get into a better headspace, but I'm not pro ghosting altogether if it means being blatantly disrespectful.

 

To bromeo's point, however, I also hope you can move away from the mindset of thinking through these contact scenarios. What he says is right, but not easy.

 

Yes, for sure. I am extremely nervous about my upcoming birthday. One reason being "What if I hear from her?" the other being "What if I dont hear from her?"

The mind is cruel!

 

I will definitely try and move forward with the expectation of not reconciling and try and date other woman, I just need to regain some composure and confidence before doing so. I went on a casual date about a week ago, and I did not do well at all. Withdrawn, and constantly thinking about "her". This told me I tried to jump back on the horse a little too soon.