Surprised to find myself here

[minimariah]

sweets.

 

you dodged a bullet.

 

here are the facts - this man is 44 years old. this is NOT his 1st marriage. he's experienced and should have a mature outlook on love & relationships. the fact that he really married someone he was ready to leave at the altar speaks VOLUMES. he's 44 & he STILL isn't able to recognize a bad relationship and finish it for HIMSELF... on time. at the age of 44 - he's absolutely spineless. and there is no room for improvement anymore. he won't ever grow that spine.

 

there is nothing he can offer you.

 

absolutely nothing.

 

you'll realize that.

 

& don't be too hard on yourself. you screwed up, discovered you're a human and you'll move on. let this be just a footnote in your life.

Edited March 18, 2017 by minimariah

[winterkeep]

Listen to minimariah sweetie, she's absolutely correct.

 

In addition to everything that she stated you actually told him what you needed for you to be together, which was for him to leave his finance and come to you as a single man - he didn't do that, so no you didn't 'blow it" :roll eyes:

 

Its an assumption but one we see play out here over and over, I think that if you had of agreed to be with him he'd have got you into bed then the excuses of why he couldn't leave just yet would have started - otherwise why not have listened to you and have broken it off with her first?

 

I believe that if you act on your principles, which you have done; regardless of the outcome you can feel secure in knowing that you did the right thing for you and acted in line with your values. You did this, you should be proud of yourself, you can look yourself in the mirror and go to sleep at night knowing that you have done right - this is a precious thing.

 

I've no doubt that it hurts, but thats ok, you're allowed to hurt and it WILL pass.

[darkbloom]

Small update.

 

Wedding photos were posted today. They both look stiff and uncomfortable. It didn't hurt as much as I expected it to. He made his choice and I made mine.

 

 

I wrote a letter to him that I'm not going to send. It was cathartic to get it all out on paper but I know nothing good can come from contact with him. Besides, what is there really to say?

 

I won't have to see him until late July. I'm hoping that I'll be moved on when this occurs.

 

Thanks for all the replies. I appreciate it.

[curiouslysearching]

And the ex that brought me to loveshack in the first place just walked into the coffee shop where I am writing.

 

I feel nothing for him. Everything comes full circle.

 

Be done with it once and for all

[Inspiteofrselves]

You absolutely did the right thing. This man doesn't sound very good at loving anyone-- he wasn't going to walk away uncommitted-- but was willing to take either partner. You were very smart. His poor wife.

[darkbloom]

You absolutely did the right thing. This man doesn't sound very good at loving anyone-- he wasn't going to walk away uncommitted-- but was willing to take either partner. You were very smart. His poor wife.

 

I haven't updated in a minute. But he called me last week three times. Less than three weeks into his marriage. He said he missed me and blah blah blah. He thought I hooked up with one of the groomsman after the wedding. He was upset. I was strong. I told him that he made his choice and he just accept his decisions. He needs to focus on his wife and his new future. I told him to

Stop being selfish and he can't have it both ways. I told him not to contact me further and to stop rubbing salt in the wound. He said "I didn't know I could hurt you" I wanted to ask him "Were you trying to?" But I didn't. I told him that I have nothing else to say and nothing he can say matters much anymore after he went through with it. I told him I had to go. He called back later that night and I didn't pick up or call back.

 

I actually feel better not talking to him. Makes me feel less anxious.

 

Thanks y'all.

[curiouslysearching]

that is good news....maybe, that is the closure that you needed

[darkbloom]

I feel like it's closure for me. For him, it's probably far from over.

 

I give the marriage less than five years. He will also come back sniffing around. I refuse to have anything further to do with him. The good news is that we don't live in the same state. I only have plans to be in his city over the summer for a week. We may see each other briefly and I'll be cordial and nice for the sake of his wife and to not make it look suspicious. I still feel guilty for the role I played in this. I hope she never finds out because I don't want her to experience the pain of that betrayal.

[Starswillshine]

I feel like it's closure for me. For him, it's probably far from over.

 

I give the marriage less than five years. He will also come back sniffing around. I refuse to have anything further to do with him. The good news is that we don't live in the same state. I only have plans to be in his city over the summer for a week. We may see each other briefly and I'll be cordial and nice for the sake of his wife and to not make it look suspicious. I still feel guilty for the role I played in this. I hope she never finds out because I don't want her to experience the pain of that betrayal.

 

 

Why would you need to see him?

[darkbloom]

Why would you need to see him?

 

I don't need to see him. Believe me, if I can avoid it, I will. I will be on vacation with my best friend who is from their city. My best friend is best friends with his wife. (I know how messed up and uncomfortable that is.) My best friend has no idea about the situation I am in. I can't tell her because she would use the information to blow apart the marriage and cause as much damage as possible. She does not like the groom at all. There's also about 30 friends in this circle who I am also friends with. Can't guarantee that he won't be invited to a gathering. Just going to avoid him at all costs and be polite, distant, and cordial if I cannot.

[Timshel]

He said "I didn't know I could hurt you" I wanted to ask him "Were you trying to?" But I didn't.

 

Darkbloom, he was not trying to hurt you. He was surprised that you had taken him seriously enough to cause you pain.

 

You are right, he will continue to try to find some woman on the side, in spite of his marriage. From how you explain him, he is only one of 'those' crotches...who is forever fishing for a willing affair partner.

 

Of course you would not fall for this b.s. just don't ever think of him as being sincere...or honest.

 

Block him and never look back.

[darkbloom]

I was invited to a birthday party today where he will most likely be in attendance. He called once last week and I didn't pick up or respond. I'm tempted to just stop by the party with my gift and say hello and then bounce. I won't have a problem keeping it light and not awkward but I don't think he wil be able to handle it. I know it's not my problem how he handles the situation but I want to have as close to nothing to do with him as our social circles will allow.

[Poppy47]

He hasn't cheated in his 25 odd years of dating or on his first wife. FWIW, I believe him on that. He told me that he didn't know girls like me existed out in the world. He was also unflinchingly honest with me about everything else.

 

I do agree though that I don't know if I would be able to get over the dishonest start.

 

Don't even think of getting over the dishonesty. Why would you?

 

He will tell you anything to get what he wants. Please wake up and realise that he probably says that to everyone.

 

How on earth do you KNOW he was honest with you???

 

Poppy.

[Bufo]

In another forum the saying is:

 

No new contact means no new hurts.

 

I suggest you consider this and avoid contact with him. What's in it for you? He loves the ego stroke that some lovely young lady is enamored of him even though he's recently married to another. Don't stroke his ego.

 

If you must attend any sociL events where he is, make sure he's with his wife when you speak with him. Cordial but distant. He isn't anybody special in your life. Never consider how he feels.

[darkbloom]

I’ve been away for awhile and not really keeping up with this forum but I thought I’d post a quick update for anyone that has followed my thread.

 

He has contacted me sporadically since my last update. He called me at 3 am while on an island vacation with his wife.. I did not answer. He called me three more times and FaceTimed me but I still did not pick up.

 

My last contact with him was in October. We happened to be in the same city, me for work and him for fun. Ironically enough in the city where it all started. I explained to him that he keeps opening up the wound and dumping salt in it. I asked him if he ever thought that I did not want to hear from him? And that maybe I was going through my own tough times and it is not made better by opening old wounds? He said that he did not consider that and that he was being selfish.

 

We have not had contact since. I know I made the right decision by ending it when I did. Regardless of the feelings and the love, there was no future there. I am also ill prepared to deal with the consequences of this getting out. I haven’t dated anyone since because I’m still trying to figure out how and why I got into this mess to begin with so it doesn’t happen again.

[callmegm]

I’ve been away for awhile and not really keeping up with this forum but I thought I’d post a quick update for anyone that has followed my thread.

 

He has contacted me sporadically since my last update. He called me at 3 am while on an island vacation with his wife.. I did not answer. He called me three more times and FaceTimed me but I still did not pick up.

 

My last contact with him was in October. We happened to be in the same city, me for work and him for fun. Ironically enough in the city where it all started. I explained to him that he keeps opening up the wound and dumping salt in it. I asked him if he ever thought that I did not want to hear from him? And that maybe I was going through my own tough times and it is not made better by opening old wounds? He said that he did not consider that and that he was being selfish.

 

We have not had contact since. I know I made the right decision by ending it when I did. Regardless of the feelings and the love, there was no future there. I am also ill prepared to deal with the consequences of this getting out. I haven’t dated anyone since because I’m still trying to figure out how and why I got into this mess to begin with so it doesn’t happen again.

 

You're very strong and I applaud you for it.

[darkbloom]

Wow.

 

I found myself back in this EA in May (no PA as I refuse to meet) and back to NC for about 5 weeks now.

 

I had a pretty traumatic event in my life happen. His wife reached out to me several times (she doesn’t know of the A) but he hadn’t reached out since I asked him to stop. In a moment of weakness, I reached out to him. We picked up like we’d never stop.

 

He went on a 3 week vacation with his wife. He stopped responding to me shortly before he left, and I found out about the trip via social media. I knew I needed to stop for my own mental well being. He texted me while on this trip but I chose not to respond. I blocked him and haven’t heard from him since.

 

I don’t know why I decided to get all tangled back up in this. I miss him even though I shouldn’t and I feel lost even though it’s the right thing to do.

[ABernie]

I miss him even though I shouldn’t and I feel lost even though it’s the right thing to do.

 

 

I'm sorry, I have absolutely no advice, only deep sympathy, as this is how I feel.

[darkbloom]

I'm sorry, I have absolutely no advice, only deep sympathy, as this is how I feel.

 

 

It’s strange to me that I can be so attached to someone that I logically know is no good for me and is not honest either. Did this start because of the nature of the relationship? Is it deeper because it’s a secret?

[Mizz Layta]

Wow.

 

I found myself back in this EA in May (no PA as I refuse to meet) and back to NC for about 5 weeks now.

 

I had a pretty traumatic event in my life happen. His wife reached out to me several times (she doesn’t know of the A) but he hadn’t reached out since I asked him to stop. In a moment of weakness, I reached out to him. We picked up like we’d never stop.

 

He went on a 3 week vacation with his wife. He stopped responding to me shortly before he left, and I found out about the trip via social media. I knew I needed to stop for my own mental well being. He texted me while on this trip but I chose not to respond. I blocked him and haven’t heard from him since.

 

I don’t know why I decided to get all tangled back up in this. I miss him even though I shouldn’t and I feel lost even though it’s the right thing to do.

 

 

Affairs are like addictions so most people do slip back into it..especially in your case , he is persistence. Block all avenues he has to reaching you (phone, email, social media) It will remove the temptation to fall back into the A.If you're serious about cutting ties with him then don't leave lines of communication open. He will keep coming back which will make it harder for you to move on and put you back to square one

[Ravensglen]

OP, as far as getting to the root of the problem, have you been seeing a counselor? It can be very helpful.

 

Also I think that if you use an addiction model for “recovering” from this horrific. Emotional sh*torm it makes a lot of sense. People with binge eating disorders, for example, know that it’s bad for them but there is a compulsive drive to do it... something in their brain rewards them for it.... it releases some chemical in their brain that rewards them, even if they are simultaneously filled with regret and disgust afterward.

 

There may be some family of origin issues or some other reason why you feel such a compulsive addictive knee jerk reaction to wanting this guy.

 

Btw, I’m a MW who had an EA with a MM. so, I am coming from a place of empathy for you... I have been NC for 5 months, and this is the second time I’ve gone NC. It is VERY hard the pull from this compulsive part of my personality is very strong.

Edited October 12, 2018 by Ravensglen
I meant to reply to another thread

[darkbloom]

OP, as far as getting to the root of the problem, have you been seeing a counselor? It can be very helpful.

 

Also I think that if you use an addiction model for “recovering” from this horrific. Emotional sh*torm it makes a lot of sense. People with binge eating disorders, for example, know that it’s bad for them but there is a compulsive drive to do it... something in their brain rewards them for it.... it releases some chemical in their brain that rewards them, even if they are simultaneously filled with regret and disgust afterward.

 

There may be some family of origin issues or some other reason why you feel such a compulsive addictive knee jerk reaction to wanting this guy.

 

Btw, I’m a MW who had an EA with a MM. so, I am coming from a place of empathy for you... I have been NC for 5 months, and this is the second time I’ve gone NC. It is VERY hard the pull from this compulsive part of my personality is very strong.

 

 

I haven’t seen a counselor recently but the first I went she told me I was highly functioning and that she thought I didn’t need her to do anything other than listen.

 

I have blocked and unblocked him a few times. I get some sort of sick satisfaction like I’ve won when he contacts me. I rarely if ever reach out first. Maybe that’s part of the compulsion.

 

I’ve pulled away from the friend circle that he mostly hangs out with. I’ve been able to mostly avoid him but we have around 15 mutual friends so I see their posts and get invited out with them.

 

I’m trying to let go. I’ve been thinking a lot about death and that’s why i think I reached out to him.

[CloudyHead]

You are addicted to him and/or the relationship. I read the book "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person" by Howard Halpern. You can find it on Amazon. For some reason, that book struck a chord with me and helped me. There are threads on this forum about no contact that I read over and over. And, I started shifting my thoughts on the affair. I realized that I spent inordinate amounts of time thinking about MM, pining for him, etc. In hindsight, I wasted and lost so much time because of the affair. Put yourself and your feelings, mental health and physical health first.

[lovely81]

Second that book recommendation.

I remember it had some beautiful imagery about picturing who you were at core and then realizing that had to be protected at all costs.

I've thought of that in many other situations since.