Wife began EA, just need to vent

[harrybrown]

He has a car.

 

Lunch is the time for their dates and fun.

 

at work they do not need to text. They can get together with each other without texting and communicate in many other ways.

Edited March 16, 2017 by harrybrown
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[BluesPower]

Dgar, maybe you are right... And I hope you are.

 

But the Betrayed Spouse (BS) in these situations is almost always wrong.

 

You really cannot understand yet what is probably happening. Do they go to lunch together? And on and on.

 

You need to listen to the people that have been through this. If she is still working there, the affair continues. She needs to quit her job yesterday. Do you have access to her work email form home, you should. That is the next thing they will use to commutate. Or one of the texting apps that deletes the text when you close the app and leaves no trail.

 

If you have the money you need to hire a PI or VAR and GPS her car.

 

Trust us on this, you really have no idea what is going on. And since you have been so weak about this so far, you probably need to get divorce papers draw up just for show at the very least.

 

Women do not respect weak men, never have, never will.

[Life lessons]

Dgar, maybe you are right... And I hope you are.

 

But the Betrayed Spouse (BS) in these situations is almost always wrong.

 

You really cannot understand yet what is probably happening. Do they go to lunch together? And on and on.

 

You need to listen to the people that have been through this. If she is still working there, the affair continues. She needs to quit her job yesterday. Do you have access to her work email form home, you should. That is the next thing they will use to commutate. Or one of the texting apps that deletes the text when you close the app and leaves no trail.

 

If you have the money you need to hire a PI or VAR and GPS her car.

 

Trust us on this, you really have no idea what is going on. And since you have been so weak about this so far, you probably need to get divorce papers draw up just for show at the very least.

 

Women do not respect weak men, never have, never will.

 

100% agree! Women do not like weak men! If she sees you're not going to put up with it then the chances of the EA ending and not turning into a PA are quite good! If she loves you then she'll do what she can to keep you if she senses she's losing you. I guarantee that!!

[GoldenR]

If she doesn't quit her job, she'll never be out of the A.

 

Demand she quit her job with no notice. Or watch her slip away from you. Your choice.

[road]

OM does not have a wife or other relationship that I know of. As such he is able to put all of his attention into mine which puts me at a severe disadvantage as I put energy into my entire family.

 

My wife claims to understand the significance of what is happening and has declared intent to cut things off.

 

We shall see. Thanks for all of your input.

 

Intent is not doing.

[drifter777]

I do not think a PA was possible in the time given because we only have one car so it would have had to occur at work during lunch, and so many people there know that we are married. I'm pretty sure that this almost entirely text based.

Look, maybe they haven't had sex but the reason certainly is NOT going to be that "it wasn't possible". Don't be foolish. I had sex with my girlfriend in the school library behind a stack of books. When people are horny nothing is going to keep them apart.

[dichotomy]

There are various stages of an EA. I did not see you list specific issues you saw in the texts. What was said ?

 

One thing that raised a red flag was when you suggested therapy and her response was "I need to get my head straight first". That says to me she understands she has crossed the line and she is confused on how to discuss it?

 

I hope you are spying in other ways,

[Marc878]

I feel I should state that reason I say beginnings of an EA is because I literally caught this within the first 3 days of the relationship. I say that with confidence as I saw their introductory conversation.

 

My concern grew as I read the conversation because so much of it reminded me of our time dating. The OM is obviously attracted to her, and expresses an interest in the things she does while interspersing comments about her...beautiful name, where are you from, what do you like to do... quickly leading to " what are you up to right now" "We should get coffee" etc.

 

My wife put off these requests out of inability to comply...but not lack of desire to comply.

 

I do not think a PA was possible in the time given because we only have one car so it would have had to occur at work during lunch, and so many people there know that we are married. I'm pretty sure that this almost entirely text based.

 

Ignorance is bliss until it isn't. Cheaters are very creative and always find a way.

 

You my friend are in a bit of denial. If contact doesn't stop you'll be going down the road many others have gone.

 

Better wake up

[DKT3]

She is cheating and you're allowing her to dictate terms which means you're being weak. Being weak won't go very far in pulling a wayward spouse out of an affair.

 

You can't force he out, but you can't choose to not accept it. Right now, by allowing her to dictate terms you are sending the message that you are indeed accepting it, so why would she stop? What are her consequences? She does it then tells you what's going to happen next. This weekend my end well until you take control in deciding you won't live with infidelity.

[curiouslysearching]

She is cheating and you're allowing her to dictate terms which means you're being weak. Being weak won't go very far in pulling a wayward spouse out of an affair.

 

You can't force he out, but you can't choose to not accept it. Right now, by allowing her to dictate terms you are sending the message that you are indeed accepting it, so why would she stop? What are her consequences? She does it then tells you what's going to happen next. This weekend my end well until you take control in deciding you won't live with infidelity.

 

I totally missed that, I thought he simply wanted to go surfing....which I applaud

[oldshirt]

Dgar, I know this is all a shock to you and it all seems pretty surreal.

 

We all understand that this is all pretty overwhelming and that you can't believe the woman you loved and the mother of your children could betray you this bad. Right now your mind is trying to rationalize everything away so that you can believe it's all a big misunderstanding and that nothing really bad has actually happened here.

 

Hopefully this was caught early enough and be nipped in the bud before it causes any lasting damage.

 

We will go with the assumption she has not gotten physical with him until evidence surfaces that she has. (however you have a duty to actively look for that evidence in full faith first. we'll talk about that later)

 

If you have caught this before it became physical, then there is a chance this can be stopped and turned around. but in order to do that, you are going to have to be strong and take initiative and take action.

 

Your natural inclination is to not rock the boat, not upset her, hurt her feelings or make her mad. Your natural inclination is to do the "Pick Me! Dance" which actually rewards her and reinforces her pursuing fun times with the OM.

 

You are going to have to draw a bold line in the sand and then smack down immediately and with conviction and no compromise when that line gets crossed.

 

Your fear will be that you will over react and push her away. The truth is 99% of BS's underreact and that allows the WS to walk on them and manipulate them further. Additionally it sets you up as the weaker party. Women cannot respect men that they can pull the wool over and manipulate and women cannot desire men they do not respect.

 

If you show any weakness or compromise, that will actually increase her desire for the OM. You have to be strong. You have to firm and you have to be uncompromising in your convictions.

[oldshirt]

.....and as the others have said, do not think for one second that "couldn't have" gotten physical yet.

 

Perhaps they have not yet, but do not think for one second that they couldn't have.

 

Trysts with wayward spouses can literally take place in minutes (I was a serial OM in my younger days and I speak from first hand experience) Married people do not court and date and get to know people before getting down like single people often do.

 

WS's can literally exchange a few winks and a few nods and then duck into a cleaning closet or a car in the parking lot or a cheap motel room on the way home from work. All of this can take place in literally minutes.

 

They do not take long walks in the moonlight or on the beach and they do not have candlelight dinners and go out to the movies and watch chick flicks like single people dating.

 

I personally know a couple that met on a Friday night at their respective spouse's class reunion and by the following week each had left their spouses and they moved in together. In less than 72 hours two families were completely split up.

 

We aren't trying to make you paranoid or paint a picture of bottomless doom and gloom. But this $h!t is real. It is real life and those of us that have been here on the site for any length of time have seen countless cases that seem even less threatening than yours, turn out to be train wrecks in just a matter of days once the BS started to wake up and do some sincere investigating.

 

Hopefully this is just a little office banter that has gone any further than some flirting and complements and some wishful thinking.

 

But if it is more, it needs to be smacked down yesterday if you hope to survive this with a healthy and happy marriage intact.

[arobk]

We have discussed it, and I showed her articles and books and posts about EAs turning into PAs.

Thanks for the response.

 

Does this include Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass?

[bubbaganoosh]

One thing for sure is you can't "Nice" your way out of this. If you do, then you'll lose.

 

She has to know that as of now she's on notice and has one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel and she's as close as ever to being on the street. You can't give her any kind of wiggle room.

 

If it was me I would tell her to call in to work and let them know she quit and not one day later. Then I buy some VAR's and put them in places where you can see if she's behaving but whatever you do, don't let her dictate how things will go with this. You set the rules and she follows up on them or she can hit the skids

[Quiet Storms]

I am inclined to take your story at face value because of some things you mentioned that other people are skipping over. To be honest I find the "leap all over the OP and tell him his spouse is absolutely having sex in the bathrooms at work, lying about it, deleting texts, trickle-truthing, etc" when there is absolutely no proof of that, to be somewhat upsetting and even annoying. Because we can't "know".

 

One thing you said was that you found the messages within the first 3 days of the relationship starting, and that you read the introductory texts. If that is the case, you should be able to tell that they were indeed just boarding the affair rollercoaster. Not sure how you coincidentally found those texts in that timely fashion, since it seems you are not monitoring them now, but that is something that would substantiate what you said and makes some sense why she might initially be wary to tell you, then sleep on it and decide she would be open about it.

 

One thing I didn't see in your posts (unless I missed it) is how long ago did you first catch her at that first three days? Has it been 2 weeks? 2 months? More? You indicated that she didn't keep NC and was having a hard time with the concept. So how long has she been working with him since that initial conversation that you found?

 

I know you said you just wanted to vent. Which is fine. And you got a lot of advice that sounded rather heavy-handed which I am sure has probably put you off, at this point. Understandable, when you want to believe her.

 

Sit down and think what the likelihood is that she is NOT having contact with this man she works with. Of course, she has said she "intends" to go NC. But she hasn't. And in fact, when you asked her to go to counseling, she needed to "get her head on straight". That does not indicate light feelings for the OM. That indicates some pretty strong stuff going on in her mind, be it real or affair fog (a term I hate, but there it is).

 

You can vent all you want, but your reality is that you are giving her permission to continue this affair. She has no motivation to stop. She has no consequences, because she sees clearly that you aren't going to do anything about it.

 

What are the odds, do you think, that she will suddenly end this when she hasn't so far? Not good. So your waiting around for her Come To Jesus moment is a waste of time. While you wait, she is seeing you as a weak beta-type man who will not respect himself enough to stand up to this kind of behavior on her part. Right now the OM looks good to her, and you are sinking by comparison.

 

It's up to you what you choose to do. No one here knows if her A has gone physical or not, but it could have. Only she knows. How much longer do you want to wait?

 

Speaking as a woman, I would never do what she did, but I know that if I did, I would just walk all over you because you just don't seem to value your own self-respect enough to demand the right thing.

[usa1ah]

Greetings. Since we haven't decided to discuss this outside of our marriage yet, I needed a place to vent semi-anonymously.

My wife began working again recently after a few years off taking care of our young children. Things were great, the extra cash flow was nice, and she was beginning to talk to other real humans again which was very nice for her. After a few months, I noticed she was constantly checking her phone, and would close it/put it down/turn it if I got near...which was not typical.

I confronted and asked if I could see what she was doing, to which she said, "No."

The next morning she apologized, and said she was wrong to say no, and allowed me to see the conversations.

It was the very beginnings of an EA, and needless to say I was shocked, hurt, and confused.

After explaining why what had happened was such a big deal, she agreed that she was in the wrong and we moved on. I explained to her that she must initiate NC with this coworker. They are in different departments, so while still difficult, is not impossible.

After some weird semi-NC conversations with him, I assume all is well and try to forgive and move on.

Just recently, she "found out" that this fellows mother has died because she hadn't seen him around for a while and asked about him. Upon finding this out, she offered her condolences and basically opened conversation back up. It was breif, but once again I'm hurt and confused. I feel as though this shouldn't be so difficult to understand.

She told me this morning that when she is at home, she doesn't think about him, but when she is working and sees him she doesn't understand why they can't be friends.

She is just trying to share her struggle, and I believe she loves me, and I believe she wants to be faithful. I suggested a third party to help us work through things, and she asked for more time to get her brain straight.

I needed to get it off my chest a bit, so here I am.

I'm not really sure how I'm supposed to treat her right now. I love her very much, but I feel very hurt and disrespected and I lack trust. I have always loved her, protected her, and cared for her..and now I find myself in different conflicting roles as I struggle with being angry and dispassionate toward her. I don't want to drive her away or give her more of a reason to seek fulfillment outside of our relationship. I'm not sure what to do.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

 

 

Get and make her read Not Just Friends.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Dgar, I would suggest that you read Barry's post(now closed) where his wife, like yours, went back to work after years of being a stay at home mum. In five months time she went from being a loving wife to a WS who wanted a separation and when Barry investigated, he found that it had turned into a PA well before he really suspected that anything suspicious was going on. That thread should be an eye opener for you. Warm wishes.

[Jersey born raised]

When his mom past and if the EA was just friends nothing more your wife should have said "X's mom just died" do you think WE should do something?

You should have said I will get him a card and send it and sign it for both of us. With OSF I aiways used my wife as the "front person" and expected her to use me as the "front" person for her OSF. Do you see how this mode protected the marriage?

 

To be a friend of a person who is married you must be a friend of the marriage first !!! The OM choose not to be a friend of the marriage but to use your wife to meet his emotional and possible physical needs. He is in fact an enemy of the marriage and thus you and your children.

 

This is no different then a dry alcoholic insisting that hanging out with wet alcoholics is no big deal.

 

Again read "Not Just Friends".

 

Second, your marriage has issues, either known or not known. This is wake up call. Try reading "5 Love Languages".

 

Third you go to an MC/IC that specialist on your own. Do not wait on her. Many have web sites. Email these questions:

 

1: Adultery is a seperate issues then issues in a marriage: true or false

 

2: The issues caused by adultery must be dealt before issues in the marriage to succeed: True or False

 

3: each spouse needs to recognize their own issues that are causing crissis and then commit to resolvoing then as a couple: true or false

 

4: these steps must be dealt with in the order listed: True or False.

 

Any false answers keep looking.

[Cephalopod]

It's amazing how much people on this forum LEAP into insisting that everything will happen according to a perfect formula even with no evidence whatsoever.

 

Looking back at the first post, we have a guy saying his extremely socially isolated wife was finally, for the first time in ages, talking to other humans. And then that he found "the first stages of an EA". No other information. No idea what HE thinks 'the first stages of an EA' actually are. (OP, I'm not accusing you of anything here, just pointing out that it would be possible for someone who doesn't like his wife talking to members of the opposite sex period to come in and say such a thing even if the total of what his wife had said to someone else was 'Hello'.)

 

And from that, from that and ZERO other evidence, everyone is quickly piling up with

 

"Oh, it was much more than that! Oh, she definitely deleted many more messages you didn't see! She's met up with him behind your back! They've had sex! They're plotting to run away together! You MUST demand a divorce! Lawyers, immediately! Hire PROFESSIONAL STALKERS to harass her! Wiretap her! Make her quit her job and keep her locked up in the house!"

 

... Does this really sound like a sensible reaction to you?

 

And it amazes me how many naive, clueless people there are.

[Cephalopod]

I feel I should state that reason I say beginnings of an EA is because I literally caught this within the first 3 days of the relationship. I say that with confidence as I saw their introductory conversation.

 

My concern grew as I read the conversation because so much of it reminded me of our time dating. The OM is obviously attracted to her, and expresses an interest in the things she does while interspersing comments about her...beautiful name, where are you from, what do you like to do... quickly leading to " what are you up to right now" "We should get coffee" etc.

 

My wife put off these requests out of inability to comply...but not lack of desire to comply.

 

I do not think a PA was possible in the time given because we only have one car so it would have had to occur at work during lunch, and so many people there know that we are married. I'm pretty sure that this almost entirely text based.

 

My exWW would meet and have clandestine sex with her partners in closets at work, in parking lots on the way home from work, at city parks, at the OMs' apartments. One of her ex girlfriends told me she blew one of her coworker OMs in the restroom of an Applebee's during an employee lunch outing.

[dichotomy]

My exWW would meet and have clandestine sex with her partners in closets at work, in parking lots on the way home from work, at city parks, at the OMs' apartments. One of her ex girlfriends told me she blew one of her coworker OMs in the restroom of an Applebee's during an employee lunch outing.

 

Classy

 

Sorry Brother.

[somanymistakes]

And it amazes me how many naive, clueless people there are.

 

I'm an OW, I know people have affairs. It's just that it's simply not true that every batted eyelash means people are screwing in the bathroom before they've even finished saying hello. Some do! But many people fall in slowly, building up an emotional connection before they finally cross the physical line.

 

People keep saying to read "Not Just Friends" but if they did, they'd remember that the core example couple there didn't leap straight from hello to intercourse either.

 

I'm only suggesting each case be judged on its own merits, that's all. Find out if it seems likely something more has happened before bringing in the big guns.

[Jersey born raised]

Sorrymanymistakes: exactly