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GF of 7 years just told me she was cheating on me the first two years

Heartbroken762

By Heartbroken762
in General Relationship Discussion

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Jj66 Established Member

Jj66

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Using the grandkids as a weapon. Despicable.

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Heartbroken762 Member

Heartbroken762

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I don't understand how anyone could have sex with someone they didn't love. I know people do it all the time I just don't understand the concept of it. It's not anything I would ever do. I think I was just born in the wrong decade. I should have been a teen in the 50's.

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Heartbroken762 Member

Heartbroken762

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The guy she did it with was engaged at the time.

BluesPower Established Member

BluesPower

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Heartbroken762...

 

Hey buddy, how are you doing? Have you had any real talks with her about this yet?

 

I mean besides her threatening to no let you see the grand children? Which is the most horrible thing someone can do in a situation like this.

 

If she is going to resort to blackmail with the GK's do you really want to stay with her?

 

Has she said anything but that she cheated twice? Of course, you know that is a lie without a doubt.

 

Keep posting so we know how you are doing...

Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

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Let me remind you that you are not married.

 

And honestly, who gives a F about the grandkids. They're not yours.

WaitingForBardot Established Member

WaitingForBardot

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Heartbroken, I can't commend you strongly enough for wanting to stay a part of the grandchildren's lives!

 

/...snip/

And honestly, who gives a F about the grandkids. They're not yours.

 

Exactly the attitude of my father's wife when she kicked him out. She actually remained a part of his life, but completely cut off all contact with my kids, then ~6 yo; very cold-hearted. Years later while my dad was in hospice she shows up wanting comfort during his final months. I did for her what my dad asked me to, but nothing more.

 

And I echo mightycpa's sentiment that this does not have to be an automatic dealbreaker. Of course the questions he raises would all have to be answered to your satisfaction, but assuming they are and, most importantly, you think you can eventually get past it, this doesn't necessarily have to be over.

 

OTOH, I do agree with the others that threatening to cut you off from the grandkids is very bad, and depending on context and exactly how it was said/phrased might be enough for me to end it then and there.

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BryanSmiley Established Member

BryanSmiley

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You’ve got to have a serious open discussion with her, ask a lot of questions, look her in the eye and have her promise she never cheated beyond that, is genuinely worried about losing you, and wants to make good on her mistakes. Thereon you have to believe her sincerity, gut feeling on it. I mean she was with you for two years consciously continuing an affair, then for several years with the knowledge of it in her conscience.

 

Then she also has to perhaps make clear that she’s only using the kids as blackmail because she’s that worried about losing you and is desperate. Because that’s the only possible excuse for behaving in such a way. If she’s seriously thinking your behavior to the children may be a little bad at times because of her actions, that’s pretty messed up.

 

I think she has a lot of hoops to jump through and convince you it’s worth trying to mend things. If she’s serious she’ll do it. If not, I’m afraid you should seriously distance yourself and consider pulling out. At least temporarily and possibly indefinitely until she entertains making that effort.

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kgcolonel Established Member

kgcolonel

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I have a couple of questions on this:

 

Her response regarding with holding the grand kids may be a bit of a panic on her part....Can you describe the way she said this..i.e. was it directly as an angry threat or a scared reaction in nature?

 

Secondly, she has not come to you confessing, what is her desire....has she been remorseful, accepting the damage she has done and wiling to work (hard) to rebuild the trust or is she expecting that leveraging the grands to be enough for your to eat the sh@t sandwich she as just put on your plate?

 

Do you have any inclination of what you truly want to or are able to do now that you have been betrayed by her. Is this something with the right efforts that you can overcome?

 

I am very sorry you are having to go through this.

 

KG

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Heartbroken762 Member

Heartbroken762

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She should be home around 6 pm. I'll ask the questions and see what happens. I'm just so stressed and depressed about the whole situation. I'm a bit of a workaholic and a hermit so it will be very difficult finding someone else. I don't have much family left. He family has been like my family. That makes this all the harder.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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So sorry. This is a huge loss all the way around.

 

 

Do take some time & lick your wounds. Heal but try not to hibernate.

 

 

Then force yourself to get out. It will be tough at first but if you put in the effort you should get rewarded.

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mightycpa Established Member

mightycpa

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I don't understand how anyone could have sex with someone they didn't love. I know people do it all the time I just don't understand the concept of it. It's not anything I would ever do. I think I was just born in the wrong decade. I should have been a teen in the 50's.
Probably in the actual '50s, like back to the time right after Adam and Eve. Because I'm pretty sure people have been boinking for fun pretty much ever since there were enough people around to make it possible.
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somanymistakes Established Member

somanymistakes

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It's not the time, it's the people. Some people don't like sex at all, some tolerate it but don't care if they never have it, some people want it all the time. Some people cannot feel sexual attraction to someone they don't also have romantic attraction to. Many people find others sexually attractive but just don't want to act on those attractions outside a relationship. Some people don't care and would happily boink anyone who was hot and willing.

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Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

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Exactly the attitude of my father's wife when she kicked him out. She actually remained a part of his life, but completely cut off all contact with my kids, then ~6 yo; very cold-hearted. Years later while my dad was in hospice she shows up wanting comfort during his final months. I did for her what my dad asked me to, but nothing more.

 

Maybe your father didn't cheat like this woman has. Maybe he didn't tell your ex-step mother that he didn't want her.

 

I'm not a fan of staying 'for the kids', but clearly you are.

Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

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She should be home around 6 pm. I'll ask the questions and see what happens. I'm just so stressed and depressed about the whole situation. I'm a bit of a workaholic and a hermit so it will be very difficult finding someone else. I don't have much family left. He family has been like my family. That makes this all the harder.

 

You'll stay with her no matter what comes out of her mouth.

Sad.

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Chilli Established Member

Chilli

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Sorry for what your going through but there's no hope in hell you should be forgiving a person like that, and from your own home, and not just once but over 2yrs.

Man l couldn't kick her ass out fast enough, l'm sorry.

You don't have to be a workaholic or hermit so much , there's gotta be a few good women left out there, l met a few before and as well as my gf now.

 

Maybe you could still see the grand kids as a friend.

Edited by Chilli
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WaitingForBardot Established Member

WaitingForBardot

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Maybe your father didn't cheat like this woman has. Maybe he didn't tell your ex-step mother that he didn't want her.

Which would just make it all the worse, ne?

 

I'm not a fan of staying 'for the kids', but clearly you are.

To be fair, I didn't say he should stay for the grandkids, just that her affair wouldn't necessarily be an automatic dealbreaker for me and I commended him for wanting to maintain contact with them. And just for the record, I am not a fan of staying in a bad relationship for the kids nor have I ever said I was.

Edited by WaitingForBardot
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Heartbroken762 Member

Heartbroken762

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Update: Last night her demeanor changed. She is begging for forgiveness. Promises it never happened again and will not in the future. I believe her. I got to watch the grandkids alone today for the first time ever so obviously she wasn't serious about me being a danger to them. I am going to give this more time and see what happens. I hate to throw away what has otherwise been a good thing. Thank you all for your input. This is the first time I ever posted on a public forum like this. I'm glad you were here for me.

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BluesPower Established Member

BluesPower

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Listen, that sounds great... and I am not saying that it is not.

 

But you need understand a few things:

 

1) She screwed him more than twice. Adults when they, male or female, cross that line, do not act like teenagers that are afraid of sex. If they screwed once, they probably screwed 50 times over 2 years. Did you ask her about that? Because 2 is better than 50, right? It is not as bad that she screwed him 2 when you were laid up with your back? Because 50 would be 25 times as bad???? See what I am saying? So the chances about that part of the story being true are about 0%.

 

2) She is and will continue to lie, which is called gas lighting you, or blowing smoke. They do this to save their own A**es. So you really need to think about how much of this that you CAN believe. I know that you want to believe all of it, but you would be a fool to believe much of anything that comes out of her mouth.

 

3) You seem to be the one in the relationship with the most money, probably own the house you live in. So SHE has the most to loose financially and in terms of lifestyle. If you look at her behavior when she told you she would cut you off from the GK's. She was bullying you because she knows that you are weaker than her and you are very insecure with yourself and your relationship. This is not a woman that is or was remorseful for what she did to you. This is a woman that is a bully to you and she was just trying to save her own butt.

 

4) Remember that she HAD to tell you or her "friend" would have ratted you out. She did not tell you out of guilt, because she had none about sleeping around while you were sick. Does this sound like a woman that LOVES you??? Or does it sound like a woman that is taking advantage of an insecure hermit man because she wants a comfortable lifestyle???

 

Which of those two scenarios do you think is most likely?

 

5) What make you think that this was her only affair? Why would you think that? She had to tell you about this one for obvious reasons. If she continued other affairs, do you think she would tell you?

 

6) For you, her affair just happened. Welcome to the world of infidelity... For her it supposedly ended 5 years ago, and supposedly she did not have any other affairs. So she needs to understand that in your reality, which is all that should matter, she just got caught having sex with another man. She has to help you heal from her affair and the mental anguish that you are fixing to go through. Because buddy, you do not even realize how screwed up in the head this is going to make you over the next few YEARS.

 

She is going to have to help you heal.

 

Those are just a few things that you need to think about.

 

And while we are on the subject, you also need to take some time to fix yourself and get over this insecurity as a man and lose the hermit thing. You need to get out of these habits and mind set and start living life a little more.

 

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing...

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Heartbroken762 Member

Heartbroken762

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I say I'm a hermit because I do not have a social life. I am a business owner so I have interactions with other people daily. I am doing well enough to pay my bills but not any better than that. The economy has been terrible the past decade it seems. I do own my own (have a mortgage) single home in a rural country setting. I have been and will be asking more questions but the story hasn't changed and I can't get details as to approximate dates. I'm thinking this happened about a year after the accident when I had to take care of issues at my mother's house a few states away after her stroke. The accident occurred right after we met.

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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What proof do you have that this stopped after those 2 years? I just don't want you to be duped by another lie. If she's been faithful since that ended, maybe. But you can't just trust again. You need some reassurances, more than words.

 

 

Good luck.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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Heartbroken762 Member

Heartbroken762

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I sold my business and am in training for a new career. Things with the girlfriend were going well, at least I thought so, until tonight. I guess I looked I had something on my mind. I can't get what she did out of my head. She asked what was wrong so I said I'm having a hard time concentrating on things at training because there is something I can't stop visualizing in my head. That was it. It set her off. It looks like this is the end. It's very bad timing. I guess there never is a good time.

BluesPower Established Member

BluesPower

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Well I will tell you what... Good riddance.

 

See, she is not the least bit remorseful about her affair, typical of some people. She is pissed that you "Won't let it go".

 

Well too freaking bad, tough cookies. For her it ended 5 years ago. For you, you don't have a clue when it ended, it feels like yesterday.

 

Man send her packing and be strong about it. You don't need this...

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Betrayed&Stayed Established Member

Betrayed&Stayed

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That is never a good sign that things are good. It usually means that emotional investment is less in the relationship.

 

You dont have to cut ties with kids and grandkids.They are old enough to understand relationships.Don't stay for the kids.

 

Or it means they are conflict-avoidant and instead of addressing any issues, they make deposits into the resentment bank. Once the balance reaches a certain point, they cash out to justify the affair.

 

I can understand wanting to stay for kids, but not for someone else's grandkids.

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Chilli Established Member

Chilli

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l'm sorry about the sitch HB. l know how hard it must be and that even if you feel you should get out of it , that is a lot easier said than done, l know.

 

Though , personally l tend to agree with the others sorry and l'd be needing to see some serious serious remorse from her if l could even consider going on myself but her throwing a major mental, dunno man.

Do know one thing for sure though, you've got every right to be as upset as all hell and for as long as you need to be.

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DrReplyInRhymes Established Member

DrReplyInRhymes

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Well I will tell you what... Good riddance.

 

See, she is not the least bit remorseful about her affair, typical of some people. She is pissed that you "Won't let it go".

 

Well too freaking bad, tough cookies. For her it ended 5 years ago. For you, you don't have a clue when it ended, it feels like yesterday.

 

Man send her packing and be strong about it. You don't need this...

 

This, right here.

 

Can't say it any better.

 

Buy this bitch a bus ticket.

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