Author Momof3littleones Posted March 14, 2017 Author Share Posted March 14, 2017 It's over. He will not do marriage counseling, and he will not look into changing his job position out of that office where she is. Honestly it's just excuses about why he can't work on it and that he can't meet my demands. Time to throw in the towel. But it really sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 But there is life after divorce, I know that is not what you want. But is he is done, then just move on. It is scary, but you will live through it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Momof3littleones Posted March 14, 2017 Author Share Posted March 14, 2017 I'm sure there is, it's just hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel now. And thinking about if we stay here or should move somewhere else next year. All these decisions. But you're right, it's better to move on. I feel like I know he's done, and then I said I can't see you for a long time then because he had still wanted to do things together. I would have if it was with a chance to work it out, but if that's not happening, why torment myself? And then when I say okay I guess we know it's over, if you say you'll never change your mind about that, he's like okay you said it's over. Well if we know you won't change your mind, let's just end it now then instead of dragging it out. I might just have to stay separated until I get a job next year with health insurance when my daughter is in kindergarten. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 You I am sure you are not perfect... None of us are, what I would not have given for a woman like you years ago. There will be other men out there the feel the same way. You hang in there, I promise it will get better... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Momof3littleones Posted March 14, 2017 Author Share Posted March 14, 2017 I know, it has to get better. There has to be an end to that pain eventually where it doesn't hurt, but still I'm going to have to go through this process where it hurts, and I'll cry and I just wish I could fast forward through it. He's not a bad person for not wanting to be married because ultimately his excuses mean that. Then he tries to backtrack and say maybe it'll change down the road that he'll change his mind, but he told me yesterday he would never change his mind. I think he just wants me to be able to be around him sometimes to be civil and do things together, but I'm not going to spend time together as a family. I'll be civil of course though. It just sucks that life as I know it will be different, and it's scary. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 I'm sure there is, it's just hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel now. And thinking about if we stay here or should move somewhere else next year. All these decisions. But you're right, it's better to move on. I feel like I know he's done, and then I said I can't see you for a long time then because he had still wanted to do things together. I would have if it was with a chance to work it out, but if that's not happening, why torment myself? And then when I say okay I guess we know it's over, if you say you'll never change your mind about that, he's like okay you said it's over. Well if we know you won't change your mind, let's just end it now then instead of dragging it out. I might just have to stay separated until I get a job next year with health insurance when my daughter is in kindergarten. At least you will get child support so talk to an attorney right away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Momof3littleones Posted March 14, 2017 Author Share Posted March 14, 2017 At least you will get child support so talk to an attorney right away. I have. I can't divorce right away though because I won't have health insurance, and I need to wait until next year to work. And that's even hoping if I get a job in the schools that offers insurance because I still need to be home with them in the summer. I don't have family who can watch them. He had said we don't even need to divorce, stay separated and he'll pay for us. But he's not going to have money for him and for us, we'll have nothing. I'll never have a savings. I have to sit on it for awhile to think about if we're going to stay here and live here or move. And why stay legally married to someone but have two separate lives? That's not healthy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Momof3littleones Posted March 14, 2017 Author Share Posted March 14, 2017 Also I live in NY where the cost of living is insane, we pay a lot in taxes. Nothing is affordable. I could sell the house, move in with my parents temporarily for a year or two to save everything I can, but he has given me crap about that. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 You get your plan together... You don't have to do anything right now. And if you get the house or even half of the proceeds that is not his decision anymore. These things are your decision now. But you need to see a lawyer and see what your options are. And moving in the folks for a while if they don't mind is not a bad idea. Take your time and work out what is best for you... Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 I'm so sorry for what's happened to you. None of us know why he's doing what he's doing, why he's not complying with your very basic requests, but if I had to guess, I would think it's because he's still involved with the OW. Or he wants to maintain the option to be involved with her. Because otherwise, if you guys were basically happy until mid-January, this is really all about his affair. I bet he's going to regret what he's done and come crawling back at some point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 Maybe it's time to move out of New York since it is too expensive for you. Your husband will have to provide health insurance so ask your attorney about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Momof3littleones Posted March 15, 2017 Author Share Posted March 15, 2017 Maybe it's time to move out of New York since it is too expensive for you. Your husband will have to provide health insurance so ask your attorney about it. He doesn't. I can stay here for awhile, keep the house and build more equity and sell and take half that money to move and buy a new house somewhere else in the future. Today it just hit me again. I got in a bad car accident, we're okay. He helped me with handling stuff and being there at the hospital and just taking care of things. But nothing has changed about us, and if it didn't change now, it never will. He gets depressed, but I think he gets depressed about not living here with the kids and living in an apartment by himself, not about me and him. It hurts. I have 16 years of memories of things that hit me that I just remember when it was happy, and it hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
LancasterAmos1966 Posted March 16, 2017 Share Posted March 16, 2017 I have 16 years of memories of things that hit me that I just remember when it was happy, and it hurts. Yes, it does hurt. Deep, down hurt. Rejection and loss of a lover/companion/best friend always hurts. Believe me, it hurts him too, but that's his problem to deal with later on in life. Go through your grieving and begin rebuilding, and you will recover light-years ahead of him. And don't let anyone --- including your husband --- take away those 16 years of memories. It's part of our history being married to these vow-breaking spouses, so there's no sense in pretending it never happened. Acceptance is the goal, and you will arrive to that point when life is good again. Right now, your life is in turmoil. The unknown is scary, but you can make it. Keep on posting because that should also help get some of your feelings out instead of just keeping them inside. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Momof3littleones Posted March 17, 2017 Author Share Posted March 17, 2017 Thank you. I had actually let him stay at the house, and he's leaving today, and then I'll try to do NC for as much as I can. It just hurts because we did talk a couple nights, but yesterday I went out, and he was so cold when I got home and just wanted to be alone. I don't think he cares about me, he's just thinking about being alone. And then I must look like I'm frigging miserable because I was taking a picture with my friend, and some dude was like, you really need to smile. It's that bad that I look so sad and unhappy to strangers. I need to try to fake happiness as much as I can. I just feel so lost right now as a person. You really can feel so alone in a room full of people. Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted March 17, 2017 Share Posted March 17, 2017 Thank you. I had actually let him stay at the house, and he's leaving today, and then I'll try to do NC for as much as I can. It just hurts because we did talk a couple nights, but yesterday I went out, and he was so cold when I got home and just wanted to be alone. I don't think he cares about me, he's just thinking about being alone. And then I must look like I'm frigging miserable because I was taking a picture with my friend, and some dude was like, you really need to smile. It's that bad that I look so sad and unhappy to strangers. I need to try to fake happiness as much as I can. I just feel so lost right now as a person. You really can feel so alone in a room full of people. Yes, I get that totally... Alone in a room full of people. I am actually working on a song with that theme right now. I felt that way for so long, unfortunately it was while I was married. You can be lonely in both cases. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Even as much stuff as my wife put me through I hate to admit that I still love her. Wow, that hurt to write out loud... Try to keep you chin up through all of this. It hurts so bad but you have to take care of yourself. Pamper yourself as much as you can. It is hard to do at first but you can start to think of yourself first more often and that is not a bad thing. Moving on from a marriage is hard. In my case, I have not been this happy in 20 years. Maybe over time you can feel that way too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LancasterAmos1966 Posted March 17, 2017 Share Posted March 17, 2017 I need to try to fake happiness as much as I can. I just feel so lost right now as a person. You really can feel so alone in a room full of people. No need to fake anything right now. You are losing dreams, your best friend, your husband. You go ahead and be sad because it's a sad time. Your world has been turned upside down. It's a confusing time, a depressing time -- remember those 5 stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and then Acceptance. And you can be in more than one stage at a time, so it's no wonder you feel sad, lost and alone at the same time!! Google DivorceCare and see if there's a group that meets in your area. They have free materials on their website, and the group meetings are free except for a workbook that I needed to pay a small amount for. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Momof3littleones Posted March 18, 2017 Author Share Posted March 18, 2017 Thanks for the kind words and advice. I have to remember this is all part of the process and that right now I'm in it, and it's not going to get better fast. It just still hits me sometimes like a punch in the gut because it happened so fast. We had arguments sometimes, but I thought we were happy. Everyone else thought we were happy and are shocked. But then I think now how much he's been drinking some nights. He's like a functioning alcoholic. He can go without it, but when he drinks, it's a lot. Maybe he wouldn't have cheated in the first place if he wasn't drinking, but once he started, he kept that going. He could also be so stubborn and critical when I was doing everything to take care of these kids. I love him so much, but he could be such a jerk sometimes. I see how my dad can yell at my mom because he's annoyed, and it's possible if I stayed with my husband, I'd probably end up in that same kind of relationship. It was already that way now. Either I'll be happy alone or be with someone who treats me better than that. Better this happens when I'm 37 rather than later on, so I don't waste any more time. At least this is all that I keep trying to tell myself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Momof3littleones Posted March 18, 2017 Author Share Posted March 18, 2017 Also I am going to a divorce and separation support group on Monday. Hopefully it helps to talk to others going through the same thing because I really don't know a lot of divorced people. Everyone is married couples around me. I do have one friend who was married before her husband now who gives me advice too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 I second the divorcecare group. I'm going to one now (although we are not divorcing) and it's been a great help working thru feelings and I've met some great people. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Momof3littleones Posted March 18, 2017 Author Share Posted March 18, 2017 The divorce care group closest to me is a little further and not very convenient a time. This one is through meetup.com. I guess I'll see how this goes, and maybe try for the other one if it's a time my ex has them. It's hard with the kids. Luckily a friend said they could come over Monday evening, but I'm not looking forward to a later bedtime on a school night Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 Yes, I get that totally... Alone in a room full of people. I am actually working on a song with that theme right now. . "Sit'n in the corner of a crowded barroom, people all around me and I still feel alone. Just when I know I'm gonna break down and cry, someone plays a tune that dries the tear from my eye......" Oh wait, that's already taken. Damn! that would've been a good one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Momof3littleones Posted March 21, 2017 Author Share Posted March 21, 2017 I am so flipping mad that now I just have anger at my soon to be ex. I went to the divorce support group tonight. It is only 7-9, and my friend was watching my kids at her house which is late but it's one night and her son goes to bed late anyway. My soon to be ex is away right now with friends for a few days. He doesn't know where I was but wanted to face time them and was complaining they were out late. He was saying to them "oh I know you're tired, Mommy has you up late" saying it a few times. WTF. It just angers me. I just sent him a text before saying really I'm trying to not have bad feelings anymore but don't ever judge me with these kids. Don't ever do that. Judging me for a late night that never happens. I just said I don't judge you while you're away for a few days doing whatever you do, do not judge me for what I do while I take care of these kids. What nerve, it pisses me off. This passive aggressive crap is what I dealt with a lot judging me for not doing things just the right way while I was taking care of 3 kids on my own the majority of the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Momof3littleones Posted March 22, 2017 Author Share Posted March 22, 2017 I don't know what it is, but I've been feeling so much better and stronger. It's helped that I haven't seen him. It helps that the kids keep me busy. I've been trying to socialize as much as I can and be in a good mood. I've had two people today describe me as always being so "calm" around my kids. Meanwhile they have no idea that I'm dealing with this separation, that I've been taking care of my kids alone since Friday (although my in-laws took them one night). I never knew I had it in me to be this strong and that I feel so okay with being alone. Not that I look forward to the prospect of dating eventually but hopefully there's good moments to look forward to in that category. Maybe I'm just having a good day? I just hope it lasts. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted March 22, 2017 Share Posted March 22, 2017 So sorry for your struggle. Glad that the kids are with you and no one was hurt in the car wreck. Some times I get help from affair-recovery.com. It helps me with some of my pain. If your H will not change, you can still get help for you and the kids. You can still see an attorney to make sure he pays child support. Are his parents still alive or a brother that he respects to talk some sense into him? He will not be happy when you are dating. Hope you do some things for yourself. thanks for helping your kids. hope for better days for your family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Momof3littleones Posted March 22, 2017 Author Share Posted March 22, 2017 His parents and brother have spoken to him. They expressed their disapproval and everything at first, but now they just talk to him because it only makes him shut down on them if they say anything. He is stubborn and will do what he wants. It is what it is now. I feel like I'm getting to acceptance. The other night while drinking he actually said the actual physical stuff with this girl "sucked". Not like it's always been between the two of us. So does that mean he had more of an emotional connection with talking and whatnot? Because when we were talking last week, he was like, this is the most we've talked in years. I thought we did, but it gets hard with kids too. He's decided to focus on the negative, and you know what, that's what I do now to tell myself I'm better off. Link to post Share on other sites
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