I thought he was divorced UPDATE: Didn't go to their SM page today!

[BTDT2012]

At one time I had a habit of going to XMM's wife social media page many times a day, in hopes of catching a glimpse of him in a picture. Never saw him in any. Looking back now, it was dumb to do it. A waste of my time cause it would have not changed anything.. He is where he wants to be and so am I.

As a matter of fact, I realized not to long ago that I haven't even thought of him. It was nice. As the other poster said.... it's called moving on...

Good luck.

 

I don't post photos of my WH, and my SM doesn't give a marital status.

[FoundMyStrength]

So, yesterday marked one successful day of not going to either my X or his wife's SM pages. This is incredible.

 

Anyone go to there ex's page very often? How do you stop? What have you all been doing instead?

 

Good luck!

 

For the first 2 months of NC, I had a bit of a social media issue, checking the various avenues regularly. It was counterproductive, though, because every now and then he'd leave a breadcrumb, which would set me back. At 4 months NC (6 months since I've seen or talked to him), I've broken the habit (mostly). As others have said, I've moved on. He no longer occupies the same amount of head space, so I don't get urges to check up on him.

 

Don't get me wrong, my feelings for him haven't changed much. But I'm at a point of acceptance about the whole thing. He's with his wife, and that means I need to move on. At some point, I'll find another man who I will love and who will actually be free to love me back.

[freengreen]

Freengreen, I'm not there yet. I still think of looking. Even when I don't. Not as much yesterday. I already looked this morning :-(

 

After that long you still check on him? I don't want to. Once it took me close to five years to stop thinking of an x. I don't want this to be the same. I really hope it is t the same. And I do wonder often if he is thinking of me. Or if he is viewing my page and photos. Etc. it must be impossible not to think of someone ever. Idk. Thanks y'all. For everything.

Honestly yes, I do check on him after all these 4 months. But I get this feeling " oh common... get over it already"... My AP was not very caring, he was kind to me all through the A because he was that kind of a person but he actually never put any extra care about me more than any of his friends. Well, I cared about him. I recall on how getting into it was a damn in the first place and then put so many emotions into it. I recall how he never invested nothing much. Thus, he moved on quickly.

 

Everyone is different , we all take different time frames to get over ... deprnding upon how deep we were into it. Remind yourself that you cannot give away your life or major part of it to this A...you HAVE TO get back on the track and do it in your pace but make sure you do it .

 

Good luck

[Lovetoo]

BTD... you think you ever will? I'm sorry that you've been in this situation. Would you advice others to get married? Would you do it again? If you did leave would you ever remarrry?

[Lovetoo]

FOUNDMYSTRENGTH that was beautiful! Very good encouragement. Do you think a person should be where they are, or make themselves strong and move as much as they can as quickly as possible?

 

Your feelings haven't changed hardly? If he contacted you and said they were no longer together...??

 

4 months is quite a while. We've gone 4.5 months without seeing each other but no longer 1.5 without comunication.

 

I'll be glad when I can look up and realize how much of a mistake he was and how it's been so long since I've even wondered about him. That would be perfect now. To never even think of him. At all. Until I'm reminded and then I'm like, oh yea lol. Him.

 

Thanks for your comment.

[Lovetoo]

Freengreen hey, I'm not sure why, but I thought you said 4 years. Either way I wasn't being... idk, you know?

 

Like I mentioned it once took me like 5 years! During that time I thought I'd NEVER get over this guy. I'm so over him now.

 

I'm in the same situation. I put in WAY more than he did. He gave the minimal. He was sweet and nice and caring, when we were together. He never really really surprised me with anything that said, "hey, just thinking about you". He did pop up over my house one night after I posted on my fb I'd never let a man take advantage of me anymore. Something to that affect. I think he sorta went to my page a lot, but he hardly ever liked and NEVER commented. He hardly ever called or reached out first. Especially after he and her got back together. When they were still I guess divorcing he's reach out. Just not a lot.

 

I realize now, I'm still putting too much energy. I could be doing something more productive as I'm typing lol.

 

Thank you for your message. This has been long time coming. Even as I want to go check now, I kinda don't. I know it's not going to mean anything. It'll just be waste of time and energy. And lead me down a rabbit whole.

[Purepony]

So, yesterday marked one successful day of not going to either my X or his wife's SM pages. This is incredible.

 

Anyone go to there ex's page very often? How do you stop? What have you all been doing instead?

 

Good luck!

 

Find someone new to invest your time in

This guys stringed you along for months and months...

[FoundMyStrength]

FOUNDMYSTRENGTH that was beautiful! Very good encouragement. Do you think a person should be where they are, or make themselves strong and move as much as they can as quickly as possible?

 

Your feelings haven't changed hardly? If he contacted you and said they were no longer together...??

 

Hi Lovetoo -- I felt like I needed to give myself time to heal. Some people view that as a need to do 100% NC from the start, no social media checking, etc. But I tried to see it as a process. I wasn't reaching out to him, or emailing, or texting, or calling. But I found it hard to stay away from social media 100%. That eventually got better over time, and as long as I was seeing progress within myself, I tried to be compassionate about the smaller things. I did check social media, I did occasionally look at an old picture.

 

Unfortunately, yes, my feelings haven't shifted much. My xMM and I had a really odd way of meeting and getting to know each other. We lived and worked together for several months, in close proximity pretty much 14 hours a day. He often was the first person I saw in the morning, and the last person I talked to at night (and many interactions in between). It was an emotional affair up until the final night of the work assignment, when it turned physical just once. And, honestly, I think that was only because we were both a little heartbroken, and thought that somehow clinging to each other more tightly might help. It didn't, of course. It made it much worse.

 

So, for me, I do feel the same, because I think I really did love him. And I believe he loved me too. He was selfish, we were selfish. But if something were to change and he were divorced and I was still single, I would absolutely want to see him again on the up and up.

[Lovetoo]

So I've not talk to him in over a month. He did tell me happy birthday on my fb wall, which is more than he did last year. And he liked a status I put up. But, I've not reached out. I don't plan on it, but I didn't plan on it last few times either.

 

I am more comfortable. But I don't want to contact him. I don't hate him, but I feel I should be experiencing strong disdain, but I don't. I check on him via SM too much. I'm sure one day soon, I won't even care. Hopefully, sooner than later.

[jenkins95]

(((LoveToo)))

 

Great update! Well done. You have been strong and are t seeing the benefits already. It does get easier!

 

NC all the way now, you've made such progress - any more contact would set you right back again.

 

I was the MM in an affair. At first we made it very clear that we would keep it fun.... But of course, hearts get involved and the picture becomes clouded. She eventually needed more but I knew i couldn't leave my family.

 

We went NC - it was the only sensible thing to do. It was tough and caused lots of pain to us but other paths would have been much more destructive. I think she knew i had genuine feelings and wasn't just using her for sex. We just got into something too deep that got out of control...... And extricating yourself from that when you have genuine feelings is an absolute horror.

 

My wife has been amazing and forgiven me, we are doing better. I will never forget the OW and truly wish her a very happy life. Your MM was selfish and stupid like me, but I'm sure he genuinely cared for you, wishes you the best and will surely never forget you.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

Edited March 28, 2017 by jenkins95

[Lovetoo]

(((LoveToo)))

 

I was the MM in an affair. At first we made it very clear that we would keep it fun.... But of course, hearts get involved and the picture becomes clouded. She eventually needed more but I knew i couldn't leave my family.

 

We went NC - it was the only sensible thing to do. It was tough and caused lots of pain to us but other paths would have been much more destructive. I think she knew i had genuine feelings and wasn't just using her for sex. We just got into something too deep that got out of control...... And extricating yourself from that when you have genuine feelings is an absolute horror.

 

My wife has been amazing and forgiven me, we are doing better. I will never forget the OW and truly wish her a very happy life. Your MM was selfish and stupid like me, but I'm sure he genuinely cared for you, wishes you the best and will surely never forget you.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

 

Thank you for your post! You experienced pain/discomfort from the NC too? Why? How can you be sure she knows you weren't using her? Would you be with her if you were single?

 

I'm glad your wife forgave you. How did she find out? You seem like a nice, genuine person! He says that he truly wishes me the best, and that he'll never forget me... that's nice, I suppose. I really felt that I loved him. Sometimes I still wish to hear from him etc. thanks again. For your words. :-) I prayer is that I don't and never desire to reach out.

[Lovetoo]

Jenkins I read a few of your posts. I'd like to say thank you again for all of your thoughts. They really do help!!

 

Are you familiar with my situation?

 

I found it so hard to believe he cared about me. When he said he wants to be friends one day, I hoped that was true. That he'd never forget me, that if he were single he'd choose me. I wanted so bad to believe all that but just found it hard too. He's nice, that he tried to allow me a small window of time to say what was on my mind. We had been going. Ack and forth for over a year. A couple times he went Nc without warning. He never blocked me though. He says he doesn't want to either.

 

I just find it hard to say that the only reason we had chemistry was. Cause it was an affair. When you say you're caught in the fog and are addicted are you saying that the feelings mean nothing? Like I feel that I love him, does that mean I don't? I'm just addicted to how I felt and etc but don't really love/care for him?

 

Now I feel kinda used, though I sorta pursued him, I thought he was single. We did experience euphoria when we were together and I know that fades but I'd like to think we could've made a great couple.

 

I really don't want to discount how I felt/feel. My only appeal was that I was taboo?? He said if things don't work and he is still available he'd be with me, but I feel how could he when I've subjected myself to pain at his feet. Idk. Thank you!

[Lovetoo]

One last think Jenkins, your post helped me so much. It helped me to see what could potentially be his thoughts and his side.

 

He has likely caused her lots of pain. As a result caused their children pain. By his absence and other things in sure I won't completely understand.

 

That his not choosing me wasn't necessarily a rejection of my love or a rejection of me but an choice to do the right thing.

 

Doesn't change that I love/d him so much.

 

Maybe he feels somewhat guilty for causing me pain and allowing me to come into their situation.

 

I'd like to have one last conversation with him. But I won't attempt to make that happen. I want him to be happy. I want them to be happy. And loved. I want his boys to grow up with their wonderful father present. I want her to feel loved and honored by him. Respected.

 

I hope one day, I'll be blessed with a husband who loves me the way God has modeled for him to. That I'll have a family. That I'll continue to grow. Learn. And love.

This is all kinda sad. Of course there are always reason to smile and be grateful!

[jenkins95]

One last think Jenkins, your post helped me so much. It helped me to see what could potentially be his thoughts and his side.

 

He has likely caused her lots of pain. As a result caused their children pain. By his absence and other things in sure I won't completely understand.

 

That his not choosing me wasn't necessarily a rejection of my love or a rejection of me but an choice to do the right thing.

 

Doesn't change that I love/d him so much.

 

Maybe he feels somewhat guilty for causing me pain and allowing me to come into their situation.

 

I'd like to have one last conversation with him. But I won't attempt to make that happen. I want him to be happy. I want them to be happy. And loved. I want his boys to grow up with their wonderful father present. I want her to feel loved and honored by him. Respected.

 

I hope one day, I'll be blessed with a husband who loves me the way God has modeled for him to. That I'll have a family. That I'll continue to grow. Learn. And love.

This is all kinda sad. Of course there are always reason to smile and be grateful!

 

(((Lovetoo)))

 

Wow, what lovely, heartfelt posts and I'm really touched that you reached out to me personally.

 

I am off to bed now, but will be sure to return tomorrow to answer some of your questions. You know, your MM sounds a lot like me! The trouble is, we fell in love when we had no right to..... And end up loving two people at the same time. The affair love is more intense but with less history and commitment, and the marriage love is more stable and built on common history, commitments and in many cases, children. The love for both wife and affair partner is genuine, but of course it's an awful, despicable, selfish thing to have an affair and allow yourself to fall in love when you are already committed. It is a recipe for guaranteed heartbreak for someone.... Probably lots of people (as in my case), but you're somehow blind to it at the time. Your MM and i are both guilty of this. We should have protected our wives, the OWs and ourselves from this pain from never going down this path.

 

In the end, something has to give. The stresses, frustration, anxiety and confusion just get too much. Throw in a d-day and your life becomes a bomb site. Usually, if the MM is given a chance to repair his marriage, he will do and feels no option but to end things with the OW. But this doesn't mean he doesn't care or never loved her. He just wants to fix things and do the right thing and breaking things off can be heartbreaking for him too. I'm sure your MM means it when he says he had genuine feelings for you, he will never forget you and will think of you often. Hopefully one day he will be able to think of you with a smile and not pain.

 

Goodnight Lovetoo - you will be ok! And your future is going to be amazing - i feel it!

 

Take care of yourself. You're not alone. We're here for you. Keep up the great posts x

[Lovetoo]

So, I'm normally VERY upbeat and happy. Very positive and encouraging. Last few days have been horrible. I've been sleeping a lot. Dreading going to work. I've been confused about my life. Wanting to go back to school and change careers. Just been feeling unmotivated and low.

 

Been checking this site a lot. I wonder if reading the unfortunate things ppl are going through is contributing.

 

Been checking mm and bs sm a lot as well. Maybe things will change after I return to work tm. Hopefully they do. Time is passing so quickly. I'm ashamed that I've been doing nothing progressive.

 

So confused. Any encouragement??

[BluesPower]

Well realize that you are depressed, which you probably know.

 

I get that sometimes. I think making yourself go for a walk or something else will make you feel better.

 

It is hard to get over this stuff sometimes. You need to force yourself to do something and try to stay busy.

[Lovetoo]

Thank you BluesPower.

 

I've avoided calling it that, though it has crossed my mind. I haven't been to church in a few weeks either. Thinking that may have an effect too as I enjoy hearing the word and I haven't been spending enough time with God.

 

Is it considered depression if it comes in spurts and only lasts a few days? Maybe a week at most? Do you think it could be because I'm not fully operating in my potential? Like, I teach and I love it but I think k I'm best suited to create, frame and manage different programs and projects. Still helping but in a different way. Idk.

 

I've thought of going to law school, but that would be for money and knowing that they work 70-80 a week, makes me know it isn't suitable. Especially if this is the job just to help me make money.

 

I've thought of nursing.

 

Couceling. But then I hear coucelors don't make any more than teachers though human beahavioelr, mind, emotions etc is really interesting to me and I'd love to be able to heal ppl.

 

Anyway, thanks for your response. I feel much better

[curiouslysearching]

Thank you for your warm hugs! It's appreciated and necessary.

 

Thank you for you honesty, it's both appreciated and necessary. I do need to move on. This has hindered me far too long.

 

She filed for divorce from him over 2 years ago. They fall in and out obviously a lot. She doesn't wear his ring. They've been living desperately over two years and still are. I know this is crazy and I shouldn't even care but do you really think they'll work? And I see what you mean, if they do, it may be hard to be with someone you could possibly blame for your divorce. Though I thought they were already divorced the entire time we were interacting. I am a very caring, intelligent and beautiful young woman and yet I'm still single. I rarely meet ppl.

 

 

You are very intelligent, caring, etc and please never think otherwise. You are in a difficult spot but somehow I think you do know what is best for you deep down inside and it does not involve HIM long term. You can get past this and be happy

[Lovetoo]

Thank you curiously searching.

 

I do think of him still far too often. And her. I check both their pages daily. She recently posted a picture of their son. It made me smile. :-)

 

I believe this has contributed to my feeling low. My constant thoughts of him.

 

The longest I've ever gone has been two months. It's been one month and a feels days. I have no desire to contact him. I sincerely hope that doesn't change!

 

Sincerely!!!

 

Thank you for your support!! Means so much.

[curiouslysearching]

Thank you curiously searching.

 

I do think of him still far too often. And her. I check both their pages daily. She recently posted a picture of their son. It made me smile. :-)

 

I believe this has contributed to my feeling low. My constant thoughts of him.

 

The longest I've ever gone has been two months. It's been one month and a feels days. I have no desire to contact him. I sincerely hope that doesn't change!

 

Sincerely!!!

 

Thank you for your support!! Means so much.

 

You are doing good and time will heal this. Just keep happy thoughts going and focus on things that you enjoy. Also, open yourself up to dating or more social engagements which should also lead to you focusing on other things....

[jenkins95]

(((Lovetoo)))

 

What you're going through is quite normal under the circumstances. Millions have stood where you stand (and sadly millions more are destined to after you). The vast majority of these got past it and got on with their lives. You can too!

 

I think if you just accept that depression, confusion and hurt will be a normal part of your life for a few months, but that it will gradually fade, then it will be less scary. Remember, your current mental state is just temporary - learn to live with it just in the short term, but be confident that it will soon pass. Force yourself to do positive things and think positive thoughts even when you don't feel like it. At the same time, allow yourself a few alotted minutes per day to dwell on the negative thoughts - pushing them away completely may not be possible for a while yet.

 

Your mind, spirit, strength and happinness will gradually return!

 

Keep posting Lovetoo

[Lovetoo]

Thank you both! The advice is really useful, needed and appreciated.

 

:-)

[Lovetoo]

So, when we started I didn't know he was married. He was separated and living alone. I really fell for him. I love him.

 

We were together on February a few days before her birthday. That's when he told me they were still married. He said we be friends. We wouldn't speak anymore until he was sure he could talk to me without being tempted to cheat. Stayed friends on fb.

 

I have not talk to him since feb. he told me happy birthday but there has been no contact.

 

She texted me last night. Said she saw our fb messages and wants me to respect her marriage. I told her I respect her marriage and everything has stopped. He still hadn't deleted me on fb. I check on him often. Have been struggling with deleting him for at least a year. I never wanted to. I always wanted to be connected to him. To see how he's doing. I care about him. And don't like the idea of never being able to speak again.

 

 

I deleted him this morning. It felt like the right thing to do but I hoped I wouldn't regret it.

 

I don't regret it, I'm just sad now because that means I'll never talk to him again. I want to see how he his on his birthday and other holidays. I really do love him.

 

Help. How can I feel better? Could I still tell him happy birthday? Maybe once a year I could see how he is. This is so sad. I really do want them to be happy. I don't want to interfere. But.l now I'm grieving him. I hate this. What if something happens to him.

 

He never deleted me. Maybe he had no intention to. Should I add him back?

[UpArrow]

Sorry for the pain but you've been manipulated by a selfish man and should be fighting the impulse of anger

[Lovetoo]

I just keep thinking "what if he dies? Or is hurt or sick."

 

I won't know that he is ok.

 

You're right. He was manipulative. That has given me another angle to consider. I've only considered that I love him. That we said we'd remain friends. That he said if things don't work and I'm still available he wants to be with me. That I enjoy seeing his Christmas and holiday pictures/post.