Should I dump him?

[TheTraveler]

 

Well, the good news is that he IS into you.

 

All ADD analyses aside, I will tell you that it is common for some men (especially alpha males) to leave most of the initiating and pursuing in a relationship to the woman. Men - at least the mature ones - direct their energy toward their mission and purpose, and don't make the woman they're seeing the center of their world. This seems to attract women more than when the man is the one pursuing and initiating. That's been my experience, at least. It seems to have hooked and intrigued you a little too, even if you're frustrated by it now.

 

geez dude, this is where you read/watched the videos about the "alpha male" wrong.

 

They're 5 months in. This guy needs to be NEXT

[1fish2fish]

act00 and 1fish2fish, I see you have long term experience with this profile of men. Since you've already been married once, I'll assume that I am somewhat younger than you, which is why your advice resonates even more - what were the GOOD parts in it for you? I am asking because I seem to attract this type of men even after doing therapy to try to avoid old patterns, the only difference is that I recognize it quicker now. So I wonder, why did YOU stay that long?

 

 

My ex-h has a brilliant mind. He's one of those types that didn't do well in school (too much structure, couldn't focus, plus mild dyslexia) but could skim through a manual - on anything - close the book 20 minutes later and say, "Okay, I know how to do this." And then he would do it.

 

Hack wifi, change the headgasket in my car, rebuild an engine, diagnose and repair any appliance in the house, build a deck...

 

The problem came when the project was maybe 90% finished and he would become bored and start a new project. I would have to stay on him and give him a deadline. And when it came to the finishing details, like putting away his tools, staining the deck, or just cleaning up after himself, that would be left to me.

 

I stayed married because he was gentle and kind and trustworthy, and we had amazing travel adventures together. But living together after the travel years took its toll on me and I grew tired of being his parent. I was in charge of everything - finances, bills, doctor's appts, home maintenance (telling him when something needed serviced), etc, and I started growing resentful.

 

Since he wasn't able to manage the details of our life together (he didn't take medicine for it because of his addictive personality), he was happiest going on his grand adventures, and I encouraged him to go because I didn't want to hold him back.

 

We grew apart and wanted different things in life. So we divorced amicably.

 

Now that we're apart, I see things even more clearly. We had always had problems communicating - I never felt like he listened to me. He heard me - with his ears - but he never listened with his heart. When I would tell him how I felt about something, he'd hear me out and then jump in with his own story without acknowledging my feelings. He was totally incapable of empathy, and as a result, we lost our connection very early on in our relationship - probably before we married. Ugh. I've never admitted that before.

 

We've talked about it since, and he said that he knew there was a breakdown in communication but "hoped it would get better." *sigh* We had tons of fun for the first 6 years of our marriage, and that carried us through until it wasn't enough for me.

 

Sorry for the word vomit. I hope this helps you somehow. There is no way in hell I'd ever be with someone like that again. I didn't like the person I became when I was with him.

[1fish2fish]

As far as attracting this type goes, I didn't see it as a personality type that I attracted because of something I'm projecting or putting out there. He was kind and honest and completely loved me and showed me by doing and fixing things for me, and that's what I needed at the time.

 

Now I need something different. Not something more, per se, just different. I'm a different person with different needs. That's all.

[act00]

act00 and 1fish2fish, I see you have long term experience with this profile of men. Since you've already been married once, I'll assume that I am somewhat younger than you, which is why your advice resonates even more - what were the GOOD parts in it for you? I am asking because I seem to attract this type of men even after doing therapy to try to avoid old patterns, the only difference is that I recognize it quicker now. So I wonder, why did YOU stay that long?

 

Everything you said is correct,it's exactly who he is. A very talented and sensitive but very lost individual who can't get it together for anything. Passive, passive-agressive at times, possibly ADD (lot's of musicians tend to have it). And yes, most of the time we do what I want, and it tends to drive me nuts. It's almost like he doesn't have an opinion. But then sometimes I don't know, we take a walk and he's be like "I didn't really wanna go, you made it sound like something my mother would make me do".

 

He never disrespected me though, he always tells me that he appreciates my emotional intelligence and that I have valid complaints.

 

The only thing I give him credit for at this point is that at least he admitted that he is a total disaster with everything, I feel kind of bad for him. He doesn't say it to save his own ass, he really does feel down. Today I suggested something to do and he said he'd loved to, moved his schedule a bit (he gives guitar classes, they are normally fixed so this is an inconvenience for him but he still did it) and will be meeting me today. I joked about our schedules how they never seem to work cause we have so many things going on and he said "no, it's really my life that doesn't work with the rest of the world eh".

 

Like 1fish2fish, mine was also not the best with school, but he could fix anything! He was very smart, but dropped out of college and never followed his career path, and I often wonder if this became a self-esteem issue. Mine typically followed through on projects. There weren't any projects left undone.

 

In my case, it's hard to try to compare this to any type of normal, as mine was abusive, starting out emotional (passive-aggressive) and then got physical.

 

He grew up in a highly involved "culty" type of religion, and passive-aggressive is really how they all function. Rather than say "no" or say, "I would rather," or "this won't work for me," because then they would be disobeying direct orders from the Lord, they simply don't show up, or show up late because they are not interested, or they couldn't express that they had other obligations. Any level of contention was "of the devil," and he never learned constructive resolution to conflict. While he didn't practice his religion of youth, this is how he learned to deal with life.

 

He's a wonderful, responsible man in many, many ways, gentle and kind. He held a job and paid the bills. I tend to be more forthcoming, while he's more passive, and I had to take the reigns more often than not, so I was a "nag." I had to nag him about getting ready for things, and then when it was time to go, this is when he would decide he needed to fix himself something to eat. Really? You knew we had to leave by 8:30! You couldn't think of this earlier?

 

He would ignore me for days with pouty face and pouty body language, until I blew up, "What is wrong with you?" and then he'd bring up something that pissed him off six months ago, and I'm flabbergasted because I don't even remember what in the world he's talking about.

 

I was forever trying to make plans to accommodate him, but with no feedback, you just do the best you can, and fell short repeatedly ("this is something my mom would make me do"). In the beginning, they're more flexible. Everyone is, but long-term, this can lead to resentment. When they can't voice their wants and needs up front (avoiding confrontation), it eventually surfaces later, and after they've mulled it over in their heads for an extended period, and by then they have it all figured out, you have no way of defending yourself.

 

Your BF recognizes his flaw. What is he going to do about it? Are you going to be his parent in helping him make this change? Is he willing to change? Will it stick or will he revert?

 

Your BF cancelled his income (music lessons) to spend time with you, because you made a plan or you asked him if he'd like to do something "this afternoon." When he's struggling to cover the bills, will this fall back on you or his poor choices? Will he say, "YOU wanted to go out, so I did, and now the electricity is being shut off!" What he should have said was, "I have lessons until 5, can I meet you after that or tomorrow?"

 

One one hand this seems really endearing. "Sure, let me move some things around," but it's actually quite irresponsible. At your simple request to do something later, he just dropped everything to accommodate you, and now he'll have to deal with the aftermath...rescheduling the lessons...he could lose customers over cancelling, refunding their pre-payed lesson, etc, all because you asked, "Wanna do something this afternoon?"

[Gr8fuln2020]

We had a similiar situation before Christmas where he somehow managed to forgot that we had a date Thursday and not Friday and didn't show up. I got very angry and told him that if he doesn't put any effort it's over. I guess he got scared of losing me 'cause that particular weekend was the first one we spent together like 3 days in a row and he organized everything.

 

Yeah I expected more assertivity because, on the other hand, he is capable to call up his best friend a lot but I am somehow not treated that way. Which is why my suspicion goes to "not interested".

 

Whatever irrelevant diagnoses people may want to bring up, what you said here says a whole lot more than anything else. He is clearly capable of being motivated and following through when he wants to.

 

He is either lazy or you're just a project for the here and now. Do you know the circumstances in which he lost many of his friends that resulted from an earlier break-up?

[Els]

Eh, gonna be the devil's advocate here...

 

My guess is that he just doesn't plan as much as you do. I mean, in your 'test', he did initiate - just at 6pm on Friday, which didn't suit you. I don't know about you, but if I've been with someone for 5 months and we've established a history of spending most weekends together, a casual "wanna grab dinner?" at 6pm on Friday doesn't sound too out of the left field. At 5 months together with a pattern being established for the past 2 months, why does everything need to be planned far in advance?

 

I'm not saying you need to be okay with that - it's entirely your prerogative to want someone who always plans Friday night dates with you by, I dunno, Monday evening? But I really think all the armchair diagnosis is rather extreme in this case, and frankly I find the desire to jump to such diagnoses to be more pathological than this guy's behaviour. My best guess is that the two of you just have mismatched personality types. My second best guess is that he genuinely does have low interest in you, but that is difficult to know based solely on the information that you gave us.

Edited March 11, 2017 by Elswyth

[Cookiesandough]

This is gonna sting but please take my word for it. Save yourself a lot of heartbreak: This guy is just not that into you. A man who is into you..you just know. He wants to see you, he doesn't stagnate on commitment, he wants commitment, he wants to impress you, and you NEVER have to make forum posts about him. This guy isn't it. And waiting around for him to change is just going to make you more attached. It's never going to happen. I hope you listen to your intuition but you probably won't

[Aayla]

I was forever trying to make plans to accommodate him, but with no feedback, you just do the best you can, and fell short repeatedly ("this is something my mom would make me do"). In the beginning, they're more flexible. Everyone is, but long-term, this can lead to resentment. When they can't voice their wants and needs up front (avoiding confrontation), it eventually surfaces later, and after they've mulled it over in their heads for an extended period, and by then they have it all figured out, you have no way of defending yourself.

 

Your BF recognizes his flaw. What is he going to do about it? Are you going to be his parent in helping him make this change? Is he willing to change? Will it stick or will he revert?

 

Your BF cancelled his income (music lessons) to spend time with you, because you made a plan or you asked him if he'd like to do something "this afternoon." When he's struggling to cover the bills, will this fall back on you or his poor choices? Will he say, "YOU wanted to go out, so I did, and now the electricity is being shut off!" What he should have said was, "I have lessons until 5, can I meet you after that or tomorrow?"

 

One one hand this seems really endearing. "Sure, let me move some things around," but it's actually quite irresponsible. At your simple request to do something later, he just dropped everything to accommodate you, and now he'll have to deal with the aftermath...rescheduling the lessons...he could lose customers over cancelling, refunding their pre-payed lesson, etc, all because you asked, "Wanna do something this afternoon?"

 

I thought about this, yes. at first one would say "aww that's so nice" for cancelling things for me, as we can't find much time for us (that day he came to my house super tired, but he came). But then, of course, there's what you just said - it's very irresponsible. And this happens a lot to him. Sometimes he'll tell someone to get together and then literally forget he promised that, so he'll call someone else to get together forgeting about the first person. Or for example, he had an audition on Saturday but by Friday still didn't call the people he has classes with on Saturday to cancel or reschedule. So when it happens to us I really don't know if it has to do with not having interest or what! His effort for everything comes in waves, I haven't see him put constant effort in anything by now. He's trying to do it now with his studies...

 

Eh, gonna be the devil's advocate here...

 

My guess is that he just doesn't plan as much as you do. I mean, in your 'test', he did initiate - just at 6pm on Friday, which didn't suit you. I don't know about you, but if I've been with someone for 5 months and we've established a history of spending most weekends together, a casual "wanna grab dinner?" at 6pm on Friday doesn't sound too out of the left field. At 5 months together with a pattern being established for the past 2 months, why does everything need to be planned far in advance?

 

I'm not saying you need to be okay with that - it's entirely your prerogative to want someone who always plans Friday night dates with you by, I dunno, Monday evening? But I really think all the armchair diagnosis is rather extreme in this case, and frankly I find the desire to jump to such diagnoses to be more pathological than this guy's behaviour. My best guess is that the two of you just have mismatched personality types. My second best guess is that he genuinely does have low interest in you, but that is difficult to know based solely on the information that you gave us.

 

OK so he initiated, waited until the last minute of the day both days to ask me if I want to spend time together, by which hour I always already make plans. And there was no follow up like, "oh you can't? well then we can see each other on, dunno, sunday?". It was like "you can't? ok", leaving me to initiate once more if I ever want to see him.

 

I'll agree though that I'm overanalyzing this to an unhealthy point. I have a certain Histrionic aspect of my personality, as well as perfectionist (went to a psychologist for two years, personality test came like this various times), so I tend to stress out a lot and also exagerate. I am very well aware of this but hell, shouldn't the person you're seeing somehow be more enthusiastic about seeing you?

 

 

Whatever irrelevant diagnoses people may want to bring up, what you said here says a whole lot more than anything else. He is clearly capable of being motivated and following through when he wants to.

 

He is either lazy or you're just a project for the here and now. Do you know the circumstances in which he lost many of his friends that resulted from an earlier break-up?

 

As I said a moment ago, he IS capable of motivating himself but he rarely follows through with anything... he usually gets motivated, then a week or two passes and he's already stressed out and freaking out.

 

Yes, he told me he lost his friend because of two reasons. First, he and his 3years GF isolated themselves (she was his only serious GF, to add) a bit, it seemed that at the time he liked this arrengement. Then, when they broke up, as they shared a group of friends, people couldn't get together with both of them at the same time and for reasons I don't know turned more to his ex-GF. Maybe his did some **** to her, dunno. To me he told me that there was no spark left and that they didn't really do anything anymore etc. He generaly doesn't have a lot of friends, like real friends, think he never had. I already notice the pattern of being lazy and not reliable with his new friends, especialy considering music, where he reschedules a lot with them, suggests something then the plan never happens, shows up late for practice...

 

This is gonna sting but please take my word for it. Save yourself a lot of heartbreak: This guy is just not that into you. A man who is into you..you just know. He wants to see you, he doesn't stagnate on commitment, he wants commitment, he wants to impress you, and you NEVER have to make forum posts about him. This guy isn't it. And waiting around for him to change is just going to make you more attached. It's never going to happen. I hope you listen to your intuition but you probably won't

 

Yeah, I know.

[Els]

 

OK so he initiated, waited until the last minute of the day both days to ask me if I want to spend time together, by which hour I always already make plans. And there was no follow up like, "oh you can't? well then we can see each other on, dunno, sunday?". It was like "you can't? ok", leaving me to initiate once more if I ever want to see him.

 

I'll agree though that I'm overanalyzing this to an unhealthy point. I have a certain Histrionic aspect of my personality, as well as perfectionist (went to a psychologist for two years, personality test came like this various times), so I tend to stress out a lot and also exagerate. I am very well aware of this but hell, shouldn't the person you're seeing somehow be more enthusiastic about seeing you?

 

 

Hm, yeah, if he didn't even bother to suggest another time (say, Saturday afternoon), that does point towards low interest.

 

That being said, though, I really think you guys are a bad personality match otherwise. You appear to have a Type A personality to the extreme, whereas he appears to have a rather Type B personality.

 

Putting myself in your shoes, I wouldn't be thrilled with his behaviour either and might decide to leave, yes. But putting myself in his shoes, I would feel absolutely exhausted if I had to make plans to see my 5-month-R partner more than a day in advance all the time failing which he would make other plans. I really prefer to be able to just go out at the spur of the moment, especially if there had been an established pattern of that particular evening being 'ours'. But then again, I tend to not stuff my social calendar full of appointments, and tend to prefer partners who don't do that either. Again, it's probably just a disparity in personality.

 

I think you should leave and seek a partner who is more suited to your social styles and personality type.

[Aayla]

Putting myself in your shoes, I wouldn't be thrilled with his behaviour either and might decide to leave, yes. But putting myself in his shoes, I would feel absolutely exhausted if I had to make plans to see my 5-month-R partner more than a day in advance all the time failing which he would make other plans. I really prefer to be able to just go out at the spur of the moment, especially if there had been an established pattern of that particular evening being 'ours'. But then again, I tend to not stuff my social calendar full of appointments, and tend to prefer partners who don't do that either. Again, it's probably just a disparity in personality.

 

I think all of us know that this isn't exactly going to last. However I see your point with making plans in advance vs. having a more relaxed approach. Things is my schedule is pretty hectic (job, university, scholarship duties, trying to have a social life) and I physically can't do the last-minute thing all the time. Funny thing is he can't either, he has as much work as I do.

 

Anyway, I would like to try to relax more in my future relationships regarding this. Thing is, I just don't know how... I just end up feeling defeated and sad because I feel I am doing so much work trying to understand the other person and be more "in the moment" and always feel like they are not doing the same. It's like there is never compromise from the more relaxed partner, they just do their thing, while we the type A's feel bad.

 

But I am naturally attracted to type B's, I just don't feel right with someone like me, so I don't know, I'd like to discover the recipe for being more B-ish...

[Els]

I think all of us know that this isn't exactly going to last. However I see your point with making plans in advance vs. having a more relaxed approach. Things is my schedule is pretty hectic (job, university, scholarship duties, trying to have a social life) and I physically can't do the last-minute thing all the time. Funny thing is he can't either, he has as much work as I do.

 

Do you need to work or attend classes on weekends, usually? What plans did you make that prevented you from meeting him that Friday evening?

 

Anyway, I would like to try to relax more in my future relationships regarding this. Thing is, I just don't know how... I just end up feeling defeated and sad because I feel I am doing so much work trying to understand the other person and be more "in the moment" and always feel like they are not doing the same. It's like there is never compromise from the more relaxed partner, they just do their thing, while we the type A's feel bad.

 

But I am naturally attracted to type B's, I just don't feel right with someone like me, so I don't know, I'd like to discover the recipe for being more B-ish...

 

What is it about type A men that you don't like? Is it possible that you've only met a certain subset of type As?

 

If you really want to try dating a more relaxed man again, it's possible that setting rough guidelines would help. So, say "we'll generally spend most Friday evenings and Saturdays together" (obviously, adjusted based on your individual work schedules). Thus, don't make unbreakable plans for Friday evenings and Saturdays. Then, when you get a spontaneous date invitation on Friday evening, you can go. Otherwise, stay at home and have some me-time? I dunno, I have a feeling that learning how to relax in general, even by yourself, could help.

 

And once you've made that sort of general guidelines, if you see the guy flaking all the time during those periods, then you know he isn't interested.

[Aayla]

Do you need to work or attend classes on weekends, usually? What plans did you make that prevented you from meeting him that Friday evening?

 

I usually don't work on weekends although I do have to work on my projects (graphic design). That particular evening he told me about an event at 6pm, and the event was at 7pm. We live pretty far apart so I don't see how I could make it anyway. I already made plans with a friend I haven't seen for a long time because she was away for 8 months.

 

What is it about type A men that you don't like? Is it possible that you've only met a certain subset of type As?

 

I am very alpha and so are they, we tend to have power-struggles. Also, the ones I dated were bad at emotional stuff, self-centered, bossy (I am a bit bossy but I really tend not to be). Clash of personalities.

 

yes, relaxing in general is something I am working on. Still, as you say, if he keeps flaking I just wouldn't know what else to do but blame it on low interest. He blames it on his personality and I want to believe that but I don't know... I notice that even if we don't meet up for example Saturday night and I end up going out with friends, he tends to stay at home and just have some me-time. So it's not like he had "more fun plans". I dunno.

[Els]

I usually don't work on weekends although I do have to work on my projects (graphic design). That particular evening he told me about an event at 6pm, and the event was at 7pm. We live pretty far apart so I don't see how I could make it anyway. I already made plans with a friend I haven't seen for a long time because she was away for 8 months.

 

If he had asked you earlier, would you not have met that friend?

 

I am very alpha and so are they, we tend to have power-struggles. Also, the ones I dated were bad at emotional stuff, self-centered, bossy (I am a bit bossy but I really tend not to be). Clash of personalities.

 

yes, relaxing in general is something I am working on. Still, as you say, if he keeps flaking I just wouldn't know what else to do but blame it on low interest. He blames it on his personality and I want to believe that but I don't know... I notice that even if we don't meet up for example Saturday night and I end up going out with friends, he tends to stay at home and just have some me-time. So it's not like he had "more fun plans". I dunno.

Haha. For some of us, me-time is one of the most fun ways to spend a Saturday night. Personally, I enjoy chilling at home with a partner as much as I'd enjoy chilling at home myself. And the occasional meetup with friends is fine. But spending every Sat night at social events is definitely not happening.

 

But yeah, even if it's just his personality and not a sign of low interest, the two of you clearly aren't right for each other. Better cut your losses now and leave - it won't get better after 5 months.

[Cookiesandough]

Whatever irrelevant diagnoses people may want to bring up, what you said here says a whole lot more than anything else. He is clearly capable of being motivated and following through when he wants to.

 

He is either lazy or you're just a project for the here and now. Do you know the circumstances in which he lost many of his friends that resulted from an earlier break-up?

 

Yeah. People are always capable of being motivated and follow through when they really want something.

Edited March 13, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Aayla]

If he had asked you earlier, would you not have met that friend?

 

Well that particular day I promised her mid-week that we'll meet up so I wouldn't meet him up anyway, I like to follow through and give my friends as much attention as to my partner. But if both things were spontaneous I'd meet him, yeah.

 

Haha. For some of us, me-time is one of the most fun ways to spend a Saturday night. Personally, I enjoy chilling at home with a partner as much as I'd enjoy chilling at home myself. And the occasional meetup with friends is fine. But spending every Sat night at social events is definitely not happening.

 

But yeah, even if it's just his personality and not a sign of low interest, the two of you clearly aren't right for each other. Better cut your losses now and leave - it won't get better after 5 months.

 

Sure, and that's why I don't insist that we meet up. I let him make the plans that make him the happiest and try to fit into it. But if we're already seeing each other only once a week (we really don't have compatible schedules), maaaaybe a little compromise would be fair on his part... yeah, let's go with not interested

 

thanks for your insight.