I dont know what I should be expecting?

[merrmeade]

I have recently been in your W situation. I had an A. I can tell you I love my husband deeply and still had the A. I don't think you need to think she would've left you for the other man because most of the time, that isn't the reality. I would've never left my H for the OM. If the A only went on a few months, it's very possible she didn't and doesn't have love for him. Lust and infatuation, absolutely, but not love. I wish you luck and hope things get better for you and that you can deal with the WW. From my personal experience, I was in the A well over 3 months and knew I didn't love him. It was an escape of some kind. The extra attention felt nice. Everything was a fantasy. A beautiful fantasy that had to be kept in the dark.

Thank you, LL, for your honesty. You make it make sense - which is what BSs need to understand. I do not think for a minute that you offered this confession with any kind of nostalgia.

I don't think to the betrayed spouse, there is anything "beautiful" about the fantasy at all. And "beautiful" should NOT be how you'd describe betraying your husband like that.

I think she knows that and is describing it that way to show how a wayward thinks. She's not condoning it. Maybe the word "beautiful" lets slip the work she still has to do, but overall she is trying to help us understand how the delusion takes over and directs.

[Life lessons]

Thank you, LL, for your honesty. You make it make sense - which is what BSs need to understand. I do not think for a minute that you offered this confession with any kind of nostalgia.

I think she knows that and is describing it that way to show how a wayward thinks. She's not condoning it. Maybe the word "beautiful" lets slip the work she still has to do, but overall she is trying to help us understand how the delusion takes over and directs.

 

 

absolutely! I'm stating the way I felt during the A. There is no longing for the OM. Im not going to lie and say that I don't miss what I felt. I do! It's something I am still dealing with. Contrary to what others say, I do love my H. I'm still trying to process why I did what I did. I know I still have lots of work to do. Merrmeade, you are right, I'm trying to give a different view....my view....since I was in the op's wife's situation. I'm definitely not condoning the A. If I could turn back time I would make sure to take a different path and approach.

[TrustedthenBusted]

once in my case...was ONCE

 

just sayin

 

.

 

Your affair lasted three hours. Hers was three months. I dont know any man who waits three months for the booty.

[Zenstudent]

I know that love comes in many shapes and forms, and that there are many different definitions.

 

But I'll never learn to understand the kind of love where you put on a facade while you put a knife in the back of your loved one - and often twist the knife a few times in addition.

 

I guess it is what it is, if one doesn't like that kind of love, you'll just need to leave and find someone more compatible.

[aliveagain]

absolutely! I'm stating the way I felt during the A. There is no longing for the OM. Im not going to lie and say that I don't miss what I felt. I do! It's something I am still dealing with. Contrary to what others say, I do love my H. I'm still trying to process why I did what I did. I know I still have lots of work to do. Merrmeade, you are right, I'm trying to give a different view....my view....since I was in the op's wife's situation. I'm definitely not condoning the A. If I could turn back time I would make sure to take a different path and approach.

 

As I recall, you were never caught and you have never confessed to your husband, he doesn't know about your infidelity yet. Thinking about your affair partner as you described is understandable. You have not been put in the position of having your heart ripped out of your chest yet as a betrayed spouse or as a wayward spouse which happens when a marriage is ending. Your poor husband still thinks your still building on the promises you made each other.

 

John, your in a war and none of it was your fault. The goal is to take yourself out of infidelity and that doesn't require you take your wife with you. You need to do whatever you has to be done to get to a place where you feel good about yourself and safe.

[Life lessons]

Your affair lasted three hours. Hers was three months. I dont know any man who waits three months for the booty.

 

I disagree because the OM waited over 3 months, with me. We did speak a lot and Looking back, i realize it was an EA we were having, but none the less, some men do wait several months. Maybe That is a rarity!? I don't know how typical that is considering that was my only A. I never gave any inclination to the OM that we would be physical, but maybe he kept the EA going, knowing that things would/could eventually change.

[Life lessons]

As I recall, you were never caught and you have never confessed to your husband, he doesn't know about your infidelity yet. Thinking about your affair partner as you described is understandable. You have not been put in the position of having your heart ripped out of your chest yet as a betrayed spouse or as a wayward spouse which happens when a marriage is ending. Your poor husband still thinks your still building on the promises you made each other.

 

John, your in a war and none of it was your fault. The goal is to take yourself out of infidelity and that doesn't require you take your wife with you. You need to do whatever you has to be done to get to a place where you feel good about yourself and safe.

 

You are correct! He isn't aware of the A.

[Life lessons]

Lol, so you cheated on your husband and keep betraying him by hiding it from him but you claim to love him... I guess I would prefer to have you hating me rather than loving me. I am sorry but I don't think you really know what love is and what love entitles. Love is more than saying I love you, love is an action and your actions (not only the cheating but the big disrespect of keeping him in the dark in something so important) are not loving but hurtful....

you need serious help.

 

Yes, I do love my H dearly. He and I both know I love him deeply. I understand that love is an action. I know that I need help! I am in the process of getting the help I need, so that I can understand why I did something I never thought I would do.

[johnjones]

wow,thank you everyone for your input. I welcome every ones angle, I do agree that "beautiful" is probably the wrong word, but life lessons, you have helped to see where she might have been in her head and even where she might still be - and for the detriment of your husbands and my mental stability - where she might continue to be in the future.

 

I do think she loved both of us and this caused a great deal of distress for her during her A - i don't think this was "fun" or "a bit on the side" etc... she was getting emotional support from him at work that she wasn't from me.

 

She did consider leaving me for him, but they decided to try and be friends - this obviously wouldn't have worked had i not found out and intervened. She admits she thought she could end it on her own, but needed my help. At the time I was coping with my dad having just had 3 strokes so i wasn't conscious of her needs... and she was also coping with a hard time at work. I know these aren't excuses, but they help add to the reasons why she drifted so close to the line, then made the mistake of stepping over it.

 

I do believe the sex was only once. I know she wouldn't have gone that far lightly - i am surprised it only took months - but by that time she wasn't resembling my wife at all. She lost a lot of weight and was very much out of character. and from the sounds of it, it was more of an emotional affair ending in sex than a constant physical affair. again - its my part to play that i didn't tend to her emotional needs as much as I should have, and i'll accept that failure as something i will correct as soon as i'm mentally capable, if / when we make it through this period.

 

I must thank understand50 again for the links. She read the article i printed out this morning and instantly came into my room in floods of tears ( i sleep alone on bad days). She thanked me for the article and says she knows she needs to be more understanding and help more when im down. She said she will read it over and over. I have noticed a more loving / understanding wife today - even if i did have to give her the article myself. I think I was expecting too of her to research how to help me.

 

I havn't had counselling yet or anti-d's. but my dr appointment is on monday.

 

thank you again for all your help and advice. Even the ones suggesting divorce. I know we are only 8 years in, but they have been an amazing 8 years and if I can get a grip of myself, we could have many more amazing years in the future.

[Life lessons]

wow,thank you everyone for your input. I welcome every ones angle, I do agree that "beautiful" is probably the wrong word, but life lessons, you have helped to see where she might have been in her head and even where she might still be - and for the detriment of your husbands and my mental stability - where she might continue to be in the future.

 

I do think she loved both of us and this caused a great deal of distress for her during her A - i don't think this was "fun" or "a bit on the side" etc... she was getting emotional support from him at work that she wasn't from me.

 

She did consider leaving me for him, but they decided to try and be friends - this obviously wouldn't have worked had i not found out and intervened. She admits she thought she could end it on her own, but needed my help. At the time I was coping with my dad having just had 3 strokes so i wasn't conscious of her needs... and she was also coping with a hard time at work. I know these aren't excuses, but they help add to the reasons why she drifted so close to the line, then made the mistake of stepping over it.

 

I do believe the sex was only once. I know she wouldn't have gone that far lightly - i am surprised it only took months - but by that time she wasn't resembling my wife at all. She lost a lot of weight and was very much out of character. and from the sounds of it, it was more of an emotional affair ending in sex than a constant physical affair. again - its my part to play that i didn't tend to her emotional needs as much as I should have, and i'll accept that failure as something i will correct as soon as i'm mentally capable, if / when we make it through this period.

 

I must thank understand50 again for the links. She read the article i printed out this morning and instantly came into my room in floods of tears ( i sleep alone on bad days). She thanked me for the article and says she knows she needs to be more understanding and help more when im down. She said she will read it over and over. I have noticed a more loving / understanding wife today - even if i did have to give her the article myself. I think I was expecting too of her to research how to help me.

 

I havn't had counselling yet or anti-d's. but my dr appointment is on monday.

 

thank you again for all your help and advice. Even the ones suggesting divorce. I know we are only 8 years in, but they have been an amazing 8 years and if I can get a grip of myself, we could have many more amazing years in the future.

 

I obviously don't know your wife but love is a very strong word. I also had an EA with the OM for months prior to us being intimate and I think your wife may feel like it's love but it's probably a strong infatuation on her part. Again, I don't know her but a few months is hardly enough time to know someone so well that you are in love with them. And again, it's the fantasy...it wasn't real!

 

it looks as if you're blaming yourself and that's something you should never do! It is not your fault at all! The A was her choice. She may very well lead you to believe she done this because of you but don't believe that. With me personally, I couldn't and still can't tell you what's lacking in my marriage. We have been married a little over 10 years and have an amazing life. He's there for me through everything yet I still f'ed up. I have no clue why but I could nor would ever put blame on him. If you wife is putting some blame on you I would see that as her trying to justify what she's done.

[oldshirt]

wow,thank you everyone for your input. I welcome every ones angle, I do agree that "beautiful" is probably the wrong word, but life lessons, you have helped to see where she might have been in her head and even where she might still be - and for the detriment of your husbands and my mental stability - where she might continue to be in the future.

 

I do think she loved both of us and this caused a great deal of distress for her during her A - i don't think this was "fun" or "a bit on the side" etc... she was getting emotional support from him at work that she wasn't from me.

 

She did consider leaving me for him, but they decided to try and be friends - this obviously wouldn't have worked had i not found out and intervened. She admits she thought she could end it on her own, but needed my help. At the time I was coping with my dad having just had 3 strokes so i wasn't conscious of her needs... and she was also coping with a hard time at work. I know these aren't excuses, but they help add to the reasons why she drifted so close to the line, then made the mistake of stepping over it.

 

I do believe the sex was only once. I know she wouldn't have gone that far lightly - i am surprised it only took months - but by that time she wasn't resembling my wife at all. She lost a lot of weight and was very much out of character. and from the sounds of it, it was more of an emotional affair ending in sex than a constant physical affair. again - its my part to play that i didn't tend to her emotional needs as much as I should have, and i'll accept that failure as something i will correct as soon as i'm mentally capable, if / when we make it through this period.

 

I must thank understand50 again for the links. She read the article i printed out this morning and instantly came into my room in floods of tears ( i sleep alone on bad days). She thanked me for the article and says she knows she needs to be more understanding and help more when im down. She said she will read it over and over. I have noticed a more loving / understanding wife today - even if i did have to give her the article myself. I think I was expecting too of her to research how to help me.

 

I havn't had counselling yet or anti-d's. but my dr appointment is on monday.

 

thank you again for all your help and advice. Even the ones suggesting divorce. I know we are only 8 years in, but they have been an amazing 8 years and if I can get a grip of myself, we could have many more amazing years in the future.

 

You are doing a lot of blame-shifting and taking a lot of the heat for your wife climbing on and riding some other dude.

 

BS's will often accept a hefty serving of blame because if they can blame themselves, then they will also feel like they will be able to have some control and will be able to fix it. It gives them a sense of empowerment in that if they feel that they can play the "Pick Me! Dance" well enough, the WS will choose them over the AP.

 

The fallacy with this thought process though is that the reality is the WS got down with the AP do to their own lack of character and moral direction. They did it because the AP turned them on and they went for it. They did it because they wanted to. They did it because they wanted some extra fun, excitement, attention, validation and just simply didn't have the respect and regard for their BS to say no.

 

In other words, it's because they suck.

 

Let me put this in another frame. If you weren't good enough and weren't meeting her needs and she felt she would have been better off without you - she would have left you, with or without an AP waiting in the wings.

 

If she felt the OM was a better man for her and he would have offered to take her fulltime - she would have left you for him.

 

so what this all means is either she was just getting some extra strange for fun and excitement.

 

Or she was wanting to go with the OM but he was just wanting a pump and dump from her and didn't want to take her fulltime.........in which case you are right - she is just using you as a back up plan and fall-back guy.

 

Either way, she is simply cake-eating and it has nothing to do with you. It's on her.

 

Your choice here is whether you want to settle and take back a woman that is either in "neutral" about her feelings for you, or is simply a person of very low character and moral fortitude.

 

Or whether you want to cut your losses and start a new life at the very prime and marketable and enviable age of 34.

 

It's really your choice on whether you want to deal with her crap and her baggage or not. I would encourage you to do what you want with your life and not really worry about what she wants. She didn't really care about you enough to not go down on some other guy's junk or to not wrap her legs over his shoulders. IMHO she tore up her wife card and waived her rights as a wife and waived her right for your consideration of her wants and needs.

 

Where do you want to go with your life is your question now.

[drifter777]

I think OP is going to take the blame and bend over backwards to keep his "marriage" together. That's what most betrayed husbands do.........until the weight of her betrayal finally falls on him like a ton of bricks. Maybe he will revisit this thread a little ways down the road when he is ready to accept the truth.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Reconciliation is hard....even when the stars align....and things go right. Triggers still happen....pain still exists.....even amidst a wonderful lovely life many years later.

 

If 33 years ago....we had had no children....i believe the best thing for my betrayed husband...would have been to divorce me. We were both young...we could have started over....even though we would have still carried the scars of infidelity.

 

I love him with all my heart and I would do anything for him....but the one thing he wants...I cannot give him. I cannot undo my betrayal...and while I know he forgives me....he will never forget.

 

There have been many things said on this thread that have triggered both of us. We have talked about it...and sorted through it once again. But my betrayal just doesn't make any sense....no mater how many times you discuss it....and we still face the ugly truth....that i became a very ugly deceptive immoral human being. My affair was short....but the damage was done regardless of the time frame. I don't want to minimize what i did.

 

Would it have been better if I had not told him? Could I have lived with myself all these years...living a lie? Would he have eventually found out? Should I have taken that risk?

 

I think I did the right thing....and i think as the years have gone by...I have learned a lot about myself and a lot about the destruction infidelity causes.

I have learned patience, and understanding and compassion. I have learned how a person can change and become evil....but can also change and become remorseful. I have learned what forgiveness is and how hard it is to give....and at the same time I have learned it is also hard to accept.

 

I know that truth hurts....but i believe I owe my betrayed the right to know the truth and allow him the right to make decisions for himself based on truth and not on pretense. I took away his voice when i cheated....and even though the truth hurt him terribly....I owed him the choice whether to divorce me or to reconcile.

 

My answer may not be right for everyone....but even after days like today...I know in my heart I made the right decision to confess.

 

We have made many mistakes in the last 33 years....but the one constant we have had is the love we share for one another....more every day. But betrayal still hurts.

 

OP....only you know what is best for you....and you can at any time change your mind....i know you are struggling....and your wife is not doing all the things she should be to help you heal. Concentrate on you ...therapy, lawyer, medication, ....whatever you need to heal yourself.

 

I pray after reading the books recommended here...and going to therapy....your wife will understand what she has done and will help you to carry this burden of infidelity.

[road]

I disagree because the OM waited over 3 months, with me. We did speak a lot and Looking back, i realize it was an EA we were having, but none the less, some men do wait several months. Maybe That is a rarity!? I don't know how typical that is considering that was my only A. I never gave any inclination to the OM that we would be physical, but maybe he kept the EA going, knowing that things would/could eventually change.

 

 

This is what predatory OM do. They groom women to become AP's. They

work multiple women at the same time. Using the friend angle into an EA. Then the EA into a PA.

 

 

So why they are working a future WW they will be patient for months or

longer because they are currently banging a WW that they got her to have

an affair with them.

 

 

It is a numbers game for them.

[Life lessons]

This is what predatory OM do. They groom women to become AP's. They

work multiple women at the same time. Using the friend angle into an EA. Then the EA into a PA.

 

 

So why they are working a future WW they will be patient for months or

longer because they are currently banging a WW that they got her to have

an affair with them.

 

 

It is a numbers game for them.

 

This may be true in most cases. I'm not doubting that. Although, I do know my case wasn't like this. I'm 100% certain of this as it relates to me. I was definitely his first mw...he very well may have another A with a mw, in the future. I don't know!

[drifter777]

This is what predatory OM do. They groom women to become AP's. They

work multiple women at the same time. Using the friend angle into an EA. Then the EA into6:( a PA.

 

 

So why they are working a future WW they will be patient for months or

longer because they are currently banging a WW that they got her to have

an affair with them.

 

V

It is a numbers game for them.

 

This is a crock. It's easy cover for a WW and a classic blame-shifting technique. I wish people could at least be honest with themselves.

 

"You can't cheat an honest man” is really a phrase that means an honest man would not get himself into a situation in which he can be cheated. He holds himself to a higher regard and when an offer may arise that has questionable circumstances, he walks away.

 

People cheat because it's exciting, it's naughty, and it feels good. Simple.

[whichwayisup]

You are correct! He isn't aware of the A.

 

And because he wasn't and isn't aware of your affair, you can look back and think (your quote) A beautiful fantasy that had to be kept in the dark.

 

If he knew the truth I believe that you wouldn't look back at your affair as the bolded. You'd see the selfishness in yourself and see the pain you caused your husband therefore you'd feel bad for what you did and NOT want to clutch to this 'beautiful fantasy'. Because you suffered no consequences you can't detach from your affair and see it for what it is/was.

[Try]

At the time I was coping with my dad having just had 3 strokes so i wasn't conscious of her needs... and she was also coping with a hard time at work. I know these aren't excuses, but they help add to the reasons why she drifted so close to the line, then made the mistake of stepping over it.

Stop buying into her cheaters logic, as there is no good reason to ever cheat. Even if you were to buy into her cheaters logic, her reason for cheating, which was that since you were coping with your dad "just having had 3 strokes" you were not helping her in "coping with a hard time at work", is the worst excuse for cheating that I have ever read on this or any other infidelity site. In fact using that logic, a better excuse for cheating would have been if you cheated because she was so focused on her work, that she was not there for you as you were trying to cope with your dad's 3 strokes. My God man, please stop the madness. She cheated on you because she wanted to, and is now looking for a reason to blame you. This is what cheaters do. They even have a name for it. It is called blame shifting.

[johnjones]

I think OP is going to take the blame and bend over backwards to keep his "marriage" together. That's what most betrayed husbands do.........until the weight of her betrayal finally falls on him like a ton of bricks. Maybe he will revisit this thread a little ways down the road when he is ready to accept the truth.

 

I will likely revisit this thread for years go come yes. I don't beleive I'm blame shifting. I would rather see it for a situation that occurred because of a series of events. If I can identify those events and circumstances I can do my part to fix them. And she can do hers. Then we can be a stronger married unit working together at putting this behind us.

 

Mrs John Adams - I'm sorry for the triggers in this thread. I would like to ask did you both have any milestones you reached for in rebuilding your marriage? I can't expect to wake up next week and be 100% over this ( although Im coming out of my bad week so I do feel a lot better right now!) was there any small goals you had in order to get you both to were you are now?

 

I do think I would bend over backwards to save my marriage. Yes I wish I got the impression she would too - but, after reading some of the articles suggested here she now says she will do more, so hopefully that's progress in itself.

[Just a Guy]

Hi John Jones, I'm sorry for the situation that you find yourself in. You have been given some good advice and a different set of perspectives than those of your own. If you are wise you will take note of them. The kind of doubts that you are having are a product of your own mindset with regard to your wife. The term codependent has often been used here and it seems to fit you to a tee. As a young man you need to be your own person. You should not define yourself with reference to your wife. The other thing that I feel alienated your wife is that you probably smothered her with your so called love which only managed to drive her away from you. You mentioned that you and she are or were a part of a cult/ religion which I assume was restrictive in it's teachings. This may have also had an effect on her. You would have to explain in more detail about this factor if you want any input on that.

 

You should read Barry's post here and on SI for you to get a glimpse of how he gradually metamorphosed into the man he is today. He was just like you and willing to reconcile without his wife doing any heavy lifting to recover the marriage. Finally he found it within himself to take back control and put her on notice sort of so that he was able to wrest control of his situation back from her. You have to do the same if you want to have any kind of successful relationship in the future. Warm wishes.

[Marc878]

You are in denial of who she is and where you are at. If there was a chance at R your wayward wife would be more than willing to pull the heavy load to try and get through this. You sound like the Mr Nice a Gut that is getting walked on.

 

It won't matter what advice you get at this point but perhaps you'll realize later

[Overtaxed]

This is what predatory OM do. They groom women to become AP's. They

work multiple women at the same time. Using the friend angle into an EA. Then the EA into a PA.

 

 

So why they are working a future WW they will be patient for months or

longer because they are currently banging a WW that they got her to have

an affair with them.

 

 

It is a numbers game for them.

 

This post is dead on. I'd just change one thing, this is what predatory "other people" do, men or women. After my W's A was exposed, I had to go to a work event for a week. While there, I met a new female employee in the course of conversation. Never said anything even the least bit questionable to her, but, low and behold, on night 3 of the conference, I get a few TXT messages from her. I showed them to my wife when I got home because I wanted her to see and understand "this is how it starts". The messages themselves looked totally innocent (talking about her car troubles and then a few about motorcycles, something she heard me talking about with some other men at the conference and knew I was interested in). The underlying message, however, WAS NOT at all innocent.

 

What was really going on? She wanted to make sure I had her number in case I was out at the conference and wanted to get in touch with her privately and outside of the corporate systems. She wanted to appear interested in the things she knew I was interested in. She was trying to make herself appear to "need my help" with her car troubles to strike up a conversation. All for one eventual purpose; us having sex, perhaps regularly, when we both travel and are together. It's clear as day to me, probably because I've seen it often in both men/women because of what I do for a living (which requires a ton of travel), but wasn't at all clear to my WW until I explained it.

 

Colleague->Friend->EA->PA

 

It's that simple. If someone at your workplace is trying to become your friend and they are attractive/opposite sex, you're already in the danger zone. Keep doing it, you'll eventually get through the progression. People of the opposite sex MUST be held at arm's length when they are not friends of the marriage. To me, that means "no female friends at work". I know that's a "hard line", but that's the only way I know to keep that progression from occurring. Otherwise, to me, it's just a question of "when" not if.

 

I've posted this before, but, I have a lot of friends who have A's (guys). It's indeed a numbers game. And they do this often and prolifically. Sure, it's possible the AP in this thread found a guy who's "on his first". But it's not likely.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I will likely revisit this thread for years go come yes. I don't beleive I'm blame shifting. I would rather see it for a situation that occurred because of a series of events. If I can identify those events and circumstances I can do my part to fix them. And she can do hers. Then we can be a stronger married unit working together at putting this behind us.

 

Mrs John Adams - I'm sorry for the triggers in this thread. I would like to ask did you both have any milestones you reached for in rebuilding your marriage? I can't expect to wake up next week and be 100% over this ( although Im coming out of my bad week so I do feel a lot better right now!) was there any small goals you had in order to get you both to were you are now?

 

I do think I would bend over backwards to save my marriage. Yes I wish I got the impression she would too - but, after reading some of the articles suggested here she now says she will do more, so hopefully that's progress in itself.

 

My milestones truly mean nothing to your progress....and I hate to tell you this but you will never wake up and be 100% over this. Your life is now forever changed.

 

I don't think you understand yet what all of this means or the effect this is going to have on you.

 

The best advice you have been given on the thread was the very first post by understand50.

 

He gave you the basics of infidelity 101.

 

Go to a lawyer and get your ducks all in a row...why? Because at any point either of you could decide to pull the plug...and if that happens you want to be prepared legally. Follow the advice of your lawyer.

 

If you are having trouble coping or sleeping...see your doctor. You may need some anti depressants or sleeping aids. No one can think clearly if they are exhausted.

 

Get into therapy....an infidelity specialist would be best....but you need someone you can talk to in complete confidence who can help you face all of the emotions you will encounter.

 

Read the recommended books. Knowledge is the best way to address these issues.

 

Communicate with your wayward. Tell her everything you are feeling.... ask her any questions that you need answers to.

 

Take your time....there is no hurry to make any big decisions right now.

 

And this is probably the mot important of all...listen to your gut and your heart. If something feels wrong...it something doesn't add up....if you see actions from your wayward that cause you to question....then ask more questions...and dig deeper.

 

Your wayward should be completely transparent...if she has not given to you all passwords to all accounts....if she doesn't tell you where she is at all times...if she gets angry at you for asking questions about her affair....then she is showing you whether or not she is sincere in working toward reconciliation.

 

Remorse does not come for a very long time...don't confuse remorse with being sorry....remorse is about understanding the pain she has caused....and she is not capable of that and may not ever be...but certainly is not now.

 

The linda macdonald book is a good gauge as to where she is. It is almost a guideline on HOW TO...

 

If you watch her and see that she is following the steps in that book...you will be able to judge her sincerity and her growth toward remorse.

 

Always remember that it takes two people to reconcile....it takes two people carrying their share of the weight....two people who place each other first and are willing to do whatever it takes for healing....two people supporting each other ....and communicating with each other.

 

You cannot reconcile alone...and if she is not willing to do her part...then there is nothing to save.

 

It is her job now to help you feel safe in this relationship....and if you do not see her taking the proper steps to achieve this...you have an answer

 

I am an optimistic person and i always give people the benefit of the doubt. I love happy endings. I hope you get one.

[Try]

Remorse does not come for a very long time...don't confuse remorse with being sorry....remorse is about understanding the pain she has caused....and she is not capable of that and may not ever be...but certainly is not now.

The quote above is one of the most profound statement on remorse that I have ever read, especially when you say "don't confuse remorse with being sorry....remorse is about understanding the pain she has caused."

[TrustedthenBusted]

I disagree because the OM waited over 3 months, with me. We did speak a lot and Looking back, i realize it was an EA we were having, but none the less, some men do wait several months. Maybe That is a rarity!? I don't know how typical that is considering that was my only A. I never gave any inclination to the OM that we would be physical, but maybe he kept the EA going, knowing that things would/could eventually change.

 

It is a rarity. What is NOT rare, however, is a WS minimizing the number of times they physically cheated. And it seems they never minimize it to "only twice" or " only a handful of times"

 

They all start off with "once," and if that flies, they let it. This place is chocked full of BS's who found how what once really meant.