Married for 11 years and husband going to erotic massages

[somanymistakes]

Sex addiction is a thing. It's not the same thing as just having a high sex drive. Some people compulsively pursue risky and negative behaviors, and need help stopping. Identifying the addiction and working to overcome it is not the same as legitimising it.

 

If someone you love is a compulsive gambler, that doesn't mean you say "Oh, okay, guess you'll be gambling then!" it means you have to work to try and find a solution. If they will not work with you towards overcoming that addiction, then you have to take stronger actions, or you are simply enabling it.

[Sammy20]

You have used the word "addict" in pretty much every post.

 

When you say someone is a sex addict, you are basically trying to legitimize their behavior by making it into some kind of disease for which they have no control.

 

This is a fallacy.

 

This is not a "condition." This is bad behavior and bad character. He is choosing to not be involved with his family to pursue prostitutes and to use the family funds to gamble and pay hookers.

 

This is not a medical condition for which he has no control. This is bad behavior and indicative of bad character. He does this because he wants to and because he is selfish and cares more about getting his rocks off with sex workers than spending time with and taking care of his family.

 

By tolerating it and passing it off as an "addiction" you are enabling it.

 

He is likely too far gone to ever be a decent, involved and productive husband and father.

 

You will not be able to change him as one person cannot change another. You will only be able to govern your own actions and determine your own future.

 

Your options are suck it up and live with it and continue to enable and be codependent and live with an uninvolved partner that doesn't provide any support, companionship or love and who squanders away family funds on gambling debt and sex workers.

 

Or leave.

 

Either way, my advice is to consult a lawyer and arm yourself with information and facts on your legal and financial rights and responsibilities and find out what you can do to protect your and your child's welfare and best interests.

 

 

Thank you for sharing this! In essence, this is what I think straight up too! In a conversation with a friend she mentioned about being an addition and that her husband went through therapy to get over that issue himself - that's why I used the word addiction. Again, to me it is simply a giant excuse to live life as a single person and get away with these things while being married. To me it is absolutely unacceptable to use such services while being my husband - it goes against my most basic values. It is enough to choose to be disconnected but on top of that actually pursue things and people outside our marriage? haha

 

I am thankful for your reply because it gives me more fuel to act in ways to stay in line with my own values and respect myself when my husband chose not to. It's just hard making that big move so the more fuel I gather the longer I can run.

 

Please know you made a difference for me

[Sammy20]

Sex addiction is a thing. It's not the same thing as just having a high sex drive. Some people compulsively pursue risky and negative behaviors, and need help stopping. Identifying the addiction and working to overcome it is not the same as legitimising it.

 

If someone you love is a compulsive gambler, that doesn't mean you say "Oh, okay, guess you'll be gambling then!" it means you have to work to try and find a solution. If they will not work with you towards overcoming that addiction, then you have to take stronger actions, or you are simply enabling it.

 

I am on the second part of your message where I bring things to him as being a problem and he denies it all - he's perfect! If anything, he will say that I have a problem because I complain too much...I complain we don;t have time together, I complain that he gambles, he wishes I had never seen the erotic massage ads open on his cell phone... so there's not one cell in his body ready to recognize problems and much less to address them. So for my own sanity, I need to walk out.

[Sammy20]

If he is the father, here are the "don't do's" in a child custody for both you and he. Ignore this if not.

Don't talk bad about him to your children or anyone related to him or them. Judges see it all the time and HATE parents involving the kids and telling them mature things and bad things about the other parent. They will skewer you for it every time.

 

At least until child custody is firmly established, don't bring guys home. Some judges feel that is endangering and confusing to the child. Tell them you'd only bring someone home to meet the kids that you felt you were going to commit to.

 

Look up the law in your state to see how far away from the father you are allowed to move. And don't try to change that. Be cooperative.

 

I advise making him take joint custody so you too can have a life and he can see what it's like taking care of kids. Just know that as soon as he knows you're dating (which is one reason why not to during all this) he will complicate the proceedings by trying to control you by asking for sole or joint custody. I see these cases and men are always doing that.

 

Think of anything he may have on you, alcohol, drugs, etc. and deal with it ahead of time and without his knowledge. Like if he can say you were or are an unstable alcoholic (or mentally unstable or anything) or a prescription drug addict or pot head or anything past or present, go now and get in AA or NA or a short rehab stint or seeing a therapist just so you can say you have done so.

 

Be sure you are working. Kid or no, it just doesn't look great financially if you have shown no ability or desire to support you and your kid.

 

 

Thanks for the pointers - he is the father.

[BetrayedH]

Look up Dr Fone if you want to be able to retrieve deleted messages and such. I haven't used it but it's mentioned here often.

 

I would reinforce a previous poster's recommendations about a VAR and GPS.

 

As for voice activated recorders, I've read that Best Buy has them for about $50. Place it in common places he uses the phone, maybe a particular room in the home. If you have concerns about him having an affair partner, placing one in the car (under the steering column) is commonly advised as affair partners commonly talk on the way to and from work. If it has any activation/recording lights, be sure to cover them with tape so they don't illuminate the cabin of the vehicle at night. Many people place the VAR under the driver's seat but I always hear about reception problems when they do.

 

I busted my wife by placing a GPS device in her car. I bought it at a Spy Store (probably the most expensive place I could have chosen) and paid $250 for it. I had to retrieve it from the car in the middle of the night to download the data. The first download showed her at a hotel from 10pm to midnight a couple of nights prior when she was supposed to be working. You can get a "live" GPS that shows you in real-time where the GPS is at but that was more like $500 and required a subscription to a service. Again, you can probably get far cheaper ones, especially these days.

 

You might also just be able to track his phone's GPS. If he has an iPhone and you know his AppleID and password, you could install "Find My iPhone" on your device and search for his. It'll show you on a map where his phone is. It will send him a notification the first time you do it, so have his phone in hand when you set it up. After that you're generally good to search for the phone anytime but if he does a reset or ios upgrade, it may send a notification again. Kinda risky.

 

There are also keyloggers if you suspect he uses his computer. They log every keystroke. If he's computer savvy, then can be discovered or flagged by good anti-spyware or antivirus programs. But a lot of people successfully use them.

 

But others are also right to advise you to speak with an attorney. Many states don't care who is at fault in a divorce; they just split the stuff, split the bills, and split the kids. And it you're going to deprive a father (and the children) of 50/50 parental rights, you're going to be hard-pressed to prove it. Saying that he sometimes drinks a whole bottle of wine is not going to prove him an alcoholic. Saying that he used to take drugs and sometimes smokes pot is not going to prove him an unfit parent. A few admissions about rub and tugs isn't going to say anything about his parenting abilities at all, even if it makes him a bad husband. Looking at porn doesn't make him a sex addict; it makes him male. In fact, I hear nothing in your posts that shows true addiction. Even the gambling may amount to nothing if he's still responsibly employed and providing for his family.

 

But what do I know? I'm just some guy on the net. A decent attorney should know what will matter in your jurisidiction and what won't. Maybe your sleuthing will produce usable information. Maybe it'll be worthless in court. Ask a decent family law attorney.

 

Personally, I did a lot of investigating. I got damn good at it. I searched bank records, phone records, internet history (check indexed searches, too), file folders, emails, deleted items, calendars. Hell, I found passwords hidden in my wife's contacts. I did it all because I personally needed to know the depth and breadth of my unknown reality so I could make a fully informed decision. Bear in mind that you don't need to convince him that he's cheating (or whatever); you just have to convince yourself. And you need to decide what your dealbreakers are.

 

Good luck.