Why would ow reach out now?

[anika99]

I never got the impression she was more into it than he was. It seemed more transactional than affectionate, on both sides. She wrote a lot of emails. It was almost like she wanted a promotion or a share of the company. And he fired her and it was not a nice endiNg. She was furious.

 

Well she wants something from him. Maybe she's trying to see if he's interested in restarting things or maybe she is looking for something job wise. Like maybe she thinks he can give her some job leads or give her a good reference or maybe even employ her again. Nobody contacts an ex after 3yrs for no reason. I've never done it and the exes who have looked me up years later all wanted to restart something with me.

[Whoknew30]

Her h did nothing. My wh ended the relationship, her h found out afterwards and did nothing. He shrugged. She continued to work there etc. they are both op and serial cheaters. But she was the breadwinner and he was according to her a pot smoking boring musician. But he wasn't so bad she didn't leave 4 kids in his care all the time.

 

She was fired a year after the affair ended, well after my dday. She was propositioning him, he'd send me the emails, I'd forward them to her bh. So it wasn't a door slamming, it was a 12 month skid mark.

 

I can't speak for any ow, but this one seems to believe that being sexually desired equals importance and validity. She had a bad rep in their industry and was known for using crass sex talk with clients. I know men like that - it distracts from their insecurities and even lack of work skills. Needy or desperate maybe? Most of the actors in this stupid drama are 50+. I'm the youngest.

 

Having read on here, I get and understand the perspective of a lot of ow who express it well. The ones who regret and the ones who don't. I think this one just wanted a 'win'. We were having a horrible time during the affair and I had him leave. He had a place of his own and never told her. She had no idea I'd kicked him out. I think it was a huge ego blow because he didn't run to her, and she acted like she had the upper hand in my marriage. But again, we are adults, there are a ton of kids involved, businesses, illnesses, life - and after all this time, I'm just surprised. I guess she's circling back for more escape? Some people need drama and noise to distract from dealing with the adult stuff.

 

Her back ground with OM kind of doesn't matter, a person can sleep with a 1000 people & only fall for one.

 

The reality is you'll never fully a 100% know what their conversations were & or how your H was to her while being sexual & depending how long it lasted, how deep things got when they were one on one, to which why she's comfortable enough to try & reach out.

 

However it was, for whatever reason, she just taking her chance & after 3 years & still remembering his birthday, seems the A went beyond your H sleeping with her & just running out the door each time. Anytime there's sex more than once, there's usually some type of emotional connection, wether it's love & or even just the friendship aspect...that can be hard to let go for some.

 

Also her H doing nothing, shows they're only married out of convenience & they're proud still not happy or you could be right, divorcing & your H is the last man she felt happiness with...sounds like she's the to only leave her marriage if she has someone to leave with.

[elaine567]

sounds like she's the to only leave her marriage if she has someone to leave with.

With 4 kids in tow who could really blame her?

[Midwestmissy]

With 4 kids in tow who could really blame her?

 

Well it's bad financial planning since I'd get half of everything and then some. Hard to get how a mm with his own pile of kids and tuitions would have anything left for her 4. Seems short sighted and frankly really bad parenting.

 

I think a large part of her enthusiasm for wh was her belief - encouraged by him - that he was insanely wealthy. He's not. I guess she thought she was hitching her wagon to a money stallion. Maybe that's what she thinks slipped away.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Well it's bad financial planning since I'd get half of everything and then some. Hard to get how a mm with his own pile of kids and tuitions would have anything left for her 4. Seems short sighted and frankly really bad parenting.

 

I think a large part of her enthusiasm for wh was her belief - encouraged by him - that he was insanely wealthy. He's not. I guess she thought she was hitching her wagon to a money stallion. Maybe that's what she thinks slipped away.

 

A money stallion, that made me giggle. Not surprised that fantasy was sold and wouldn't be surprised if she bought it hook line and sinker. We see and hear what we want.

[wmacbride]

You might never be able to understand why she did what she did, or why she reached out after so much time.

 

Some ow/om ( but from what I can tell, it's not the majority) are serial ow who use affairs as a self esteem boost. When they are feeling low, they seek out a new A, or, as in your case, they go back to former mm to see if any of them are interested in getting back with them.

 

If the mm isn't interested, they move on to the next guy. For them, it's not about a particular guy, just so long as he boosts their self esteem, it does't really matter.

 

If you feel your husband was honest with you, and if you see no further signs he's cheating, then I would thank him for being upfront, share your feelings, and move on.

[Midwestmissy]

I've always told him that he wasn't special to her (again, serial cheater in all her marriages) but that he was just the one who said yes. He was like a mark in a con game. There's no way he's less responsible than she is, in fact as her boss, I think he should be held to a higher standard, so I don't blame her. I blame him for thinking what he was doing was without consequence. He likes to think of himself as very savvy and smart and intellectually superior to her, but I think they equally used each other. I can find pages of lust in their emails but no affection on either side. He said she was screwing herself into another tax bracket. Or trying to.

 

I guess Charlie Brown kept trying to kick the football from Lucy regardless of their history.

[Southern Sun]

Time has a way of making you forget the bad stuff.

 

Something made her think of him and her inner resistance was overcome by the desire to reach out.

 

Maybe things are rough in her marriage. Maybe they are actually alright and her BH is finally not monitoring her as much. But your WH came into her mind and whatever was holding her back before has released its grasp somewhat. One thing overpowered the other.

 

And unfinished business. That feeling of no closure can mess with a person, if they let it. Even if your husband has it, doesn't mean she does.

[FoundMyStrength]

Time has a way of making you forget the bad stuff.

 

Something made her think of him and her inner resistance was overcome by the desire to reach out.

 

Maybe things are rough in her marriage. Maybe they are actually alright and her BH is finally not monitoring her as much. But your WH came into her mind and whatever was holding her back before has released its grasp somewhat. One thing overpowered the other.

 

And unfinished business. That feeling of no closure can mess with a person, if they let it. Even if your husband has it, doesn't mean she does.

 

I agree, I don't there's a big mystery here. Affairs mess with both the OW's and the MM's minds. It's push/pull most of the way, often ends with some degree of non-closure (even if it's just the "what if's" or the "man, I'd like to f*ck her agains"), and the effects linger. Case in point, why you're here trying to analyzing a brief, vague reach-out from his fOW.

 

I dunno, your WH's affair sounds much different than my mostly EA. But I think it's natural for one or both parties to have lingering, unresolved feelings after a break-up, whether an affair or not. And that will lead them to reach out, whether it's a day, a month, a year, or 3 years later. It honestly could be anything driving her to do this.

[sandylee1]

I never reach out to Exes like that and I definitely wouldn't if it was an A.

 

I'd generally say that I have a good memory, but I don't really remember birthdays of any Ex BFs.

 

It always amazes me how people in affairs remember every little event and have it as an anniversary of sorts.

 

From the day they met, first had sex etc

 

She clearly cared for your H, more than you think she did and she still thinks about him. She was just unable to resist contacting him.

[Midwestmissy]

I know I'll never have true closure on this either. And true closure in life is pretty rare. Especially if someone only sees the openings they want to see. You're fired, never contact me again would be a clear message to me, I wouldn't want to milk that cow again lol. But I don't understand why the push/pull is so potent. In an authentic relationship, push/pull is a negative, head games etc. Girlfriends would take you out for drinks and tell you to get away from someone with all those mixed messages. But it's almost the draw in an affair. I guess something based on deceit has a different set of attractions and rules.

 

I didn't post to get answers, obviously just thoughts and different view points. It seemed desperate, but that's my perspective, and I don't have a lot of softness or sympathy for her. Her contact could either be a ripple or a tidal wave, depending on how wh responds. We moved very far from her, almost 1000 miles, maybe if I were closer still I'd be more concerned with any further disruptions she may toss out. I have no worries about her popping up locally and intruding in person, I guess email or phone is her best way to disrupt and test the waters.

[gettingstronger]

Looking for drama and excitement. You can paint it anyway you'd like- dress it up or dress it down- it's the rush of drama.

 

Glad he's not playing in- she'll get her fix another way- maybe a fight with a co-worker or friend, maybe glomming on to someone else's crisis- who knows- it was a shot in the dark for some drama and excitement.

[Southern Sun]

I never reach out to Exes like that and I definitely wouldn't if it was an A.

 

I'd generally say that I have a good memory, but I don't really remember birthdays of any Ex BFs.

 

It always amazes me how people in affairs remember every little event and have it as an anniversary of sorts.

 

From the day they met, first had sex etc

 

She clearly cared for your H, more than you think she did and she still thinks about him. She was just unable to resist contacting him.

 

Guessing you've never had an A?

 

I would never think to reach out to ex-boyfriends, where the R had run it's course. They are just done. Affairs are different beasts. I don't want to reach out to xMM anymore, but ask him why he's still tried to get in touch with me. I'm sure you've heard As compared to addictions. That component is there for many, unfortunately. Ask someone who has given up alcohol or cigarettes whether that smell or some other trigger doesn't tempt them at all, even three years down the line. If something brings it to mind, they have to override the desire. She didn't this time.

 

Not everyone is like this of course.

 

I know I'll never have true closure on this either. And true closure in life is pretty rare. Especially if someone only sees the openings they want to see. You're fired, never contact me again would be a clear message to me, I wouldn't want to milk that cow again lol. But I don't understand why the push/pull is so potent. In an authentic relationship, push/pull is a negative, head games etc. Girlfriends would take you out for drinks and tell you to get away from someone with all those mixed messages. But it's almost the draw in an affair. I guess something based on deceit has a different set of attractions and rules.

 

I didn't post to get answers, obviously just thoughts and different view points. It seemed desperate, but that's my perspective, and I don't have a lot of softness or sympathy for her. Her contact could either be a ripple or a tidal wave, depending on how wh responds. We moved very far from her, almost 1000 miles, maybe if I were closer still I'd be more concerned with any further disruptions she may toss out. I have no worries about her popping up locally and intruding in person, I guess email or phone is her best way to disrupt and test the waters.

 

Push and pull isn't attractive in and of itself. Affairs create push and pull. The very nature of affairs can be ambiguous. The participants are often quite unsure of what they are doing. If they have any conscience at all, they are confused and guilty. They might inadvertently play hot and cold. Or the players want different things out of it, so one becomes more emotionally involved and the other pulls away (but still wants the benefits). Those things create a sort of false emotional intensity. Highs and lows. Drama. In a normal relationship, the environment does not typically perpetuate this dynamic. So if it's occurring, you have some major obvious problems! And a 'normal' person will see this and draw a boundary line. But in an affair, you have a base dysfunctional foundation. You know this going in. So you can tend to excuse your dysfunction because of 'the situation.' And then get used to the highs and lows. Which actually perpetuates the addictive quality of the R.

 

Freakin' nuts.

 

All she did was have a memory or a moment of nostalgia and the beast awakened. She didn't stop herself this time.

 

Best thing you can do is ignore her. It will go back to sleep.