How are you coping today?

[Oregon_Dude]

So, it's been about 6 weeks since the breakup. We don't talk but we have had to communicate due to apartment things, etc. Every time we talk she expresses some shallow concern for my well-being, while showing zero regret or remorse for her decision. I don't reply unless necessary, keeping it to the point, no emotions.

 

I have basically come to terms with the fact that there was someone else during the last couple weeks or month of our relationship. I don't have proof, just a strong feeling. I saw her out with some guy a couple weeks ago, so she is obviously moving on with a new guy, who may or may not have been the focus of her attention for a while. I don't like the jumping over to another guy, nor do I like the fact that she lied to me about a couple things during the relationship.

 

I have tried dating and had my third date with a new girl last night. But I think I scared her off due to a couple things I said (none of them report-worthy here.) I don't want to deal with the rejection of not only my ex, but potential new people as well. It is too hard. I don't think I'm ready to date. I can't handle the hit of other girls besides my ex not wanting to talk to me or be with me.

 

I am going to have to work really hard to getting back to being comfortable with being a single person again. This means total self-absorption and getting back to reading, exercising, going out with friends, joining a trivia or Spanish group, playing music live. I don't like going out alone, but I think I'm going to have to get used to it.

 

I'm still searching for happy moments. It sucks to know she is out there having fun all the time. But I know, I know, I know she wonders how I'm doing. The other day she texted about mail, and said she hopes "I'm doing really well" and that "we can be friends in the future". It means NOTHING. She wants to assuage the guilt she feels about f*cking some new guy and her being the relationship jumper she has always been. I do not want to be your friend. Stop pitying me. I get it, you're happy now. Get it out of my face.

 

I want to catch up to her, go out with other people, get laid and be in love. But I can't. I don't want to be hurt right now, and my heart is on my sleeve. I'm too vulnerable, and girls can tell, and it scares them off. I hate the place I'm in right now, but there is little I can do to remedy it but be with friends who care about me, and know that time tends to take care of such matters.

 

The only consolation is that I am glad the breakup was not bitter. I got screwed, she spent all my money and then moved out and found a new guy. But no. I'm not bitter. That would be too easy. The truth is that some small part of me, which will hopefully grow with time, wants her to be happy and feel loved in the way I could not (apparently) provide her. She is free to live as she pleases. But I don't want to hear anything but an apology, and will certainly respond to nothing less than that.

 

At the same time, there is this annoying logistical crap like mail that I feel compelled to respond to her about. I want her to get her mail. I don't want to impede her life by not responding, as I did weeks ago when I wouldn't answer her about when she could get her bed. I'm still hoping for the impossible, deep down, an apology, an acknowledgment that that grass out there is BROWN, she messed up, she made a mistake.

 

It is never going to happen.

 

I hate the finality of her decision and being the one left behind lonely, simply by virtue of the fact that my heart can't just MOVE ON from a 1-year relationship in a month. Lucky her, I guess.

 

I feel that I meant nothing to her. But she is not the kind of person to express regret anyway. I will never know the truth of how she feels. And it doesn't matter.

 

I hate being on the losing side. I just wish I could re-frame that idea. I WAS NOT HAPPY EITHER!

 

Why does the person who moves on quicker WIN? It makes no sense.

 

I need time. I need lots of time to be alone and do things with friends and re-embrace movies, TV, books, nights out, whatever. A cleanse of the soul.

 

I don't know why I need a woman in my life so badly. It has always been my downfall.

 

Starting over at 30.

Edited August 4, 2014 by Oregon_Dude

[Amy74]

Almost eight weeks post break-up and NC--except for a few bread crumbs he threw that I chose to ignore.

 

My life has moved on beautifully--ES came around again and I decided to date him (yet again) casually...but it seems to have turned to love this time. He says it's because I finally decided to be free of the ex. I'm happy--he makes me happy. He's handsome, skilled, gainfully employed, loves my little guy...he is great.

 

So, why am I still thinking of the ex. I didn't even like him in the end...still don't. He's selfish and lazy. I sneaked a peak at his Facebook page and have even considered sending him a message. Which is crazy because if ES found out it would be over for sure.

 

You know, maybe it's my bread crumbs to him. I haven't heard from him in a while and I guess I'm just wondering. Last night I was trying to figure out what I missed about him...why I would consider texting him and what I was hoping to accomplish. I certainly don't want him back! I don't want him to launch a campaign to win me back. I couldn't come up with one single thing I missed. Anything he did for me ES does better. I had to sacrifice SO much to be with the ex...for so little return.

 

I think I just need to accept that sometimes thoughts and memories of the ex will pop into my head...but that they don't mean anything. Assigning them value or meaning is ridiculous. It's not longing for the ex, it's not wistful memories...it's just part of my history that will enter my conscious mind from time to time. Like memories of high school...it doesn't mean that I want to be back in high school or that I miss high school--it just was.

[whatsherface]

Sigh, all the guys I've been meeting have been absolutely bleh.

 

I think I'll just resign myself to the forever alone life.

[True Gent]

Sigh, all the guys I've been meeting have been absolutely bleh.

 

I think I'll just resign myself to the forever alone life.

 

I'm kind of feeling the same. Met a decent amount of women now since my split and it's all just a bit, meh.

 

Dunno if it's me or them or what. I feel inexperienced with dating for my age so it doesn't help. Everyone either has issues of some sort or I'm just not compatible.

 

Time for a dating break I think... Being single is actually really good in so many ways!

[Feelbettersoon]

So bad. Two weeks since BU. He ended it after two years.

 

He keeps liking all my best friends instagrams I'm bulk, he isn't even close to them maybe just met them once/ twice.

He liked every picture on one of the girls that didn't have me in it, and of course hasn't like any of my posts.

 

Why is this happening?

[redbaron005]

Need to dig deep for some patience.

[Lolalo]

Well d day is tommorow he gets home from his work trip.

 

I've been in a bit of a cocoon of safety knowing I'm not going to see him.

 

Now I'm just terrified that I'm going to start seeing and hearing what he is doing, blah. I know I'll get through it but this is the bit that hurts the most for me, I torture myself thinking who he is going to be seeing etc, it's got nothing to do with me and I know it!!

[elseaacych]

One of my mutual friends posted a picture of my ex on facebook today. I felt the stirrings of something, but it wasn't like I'd just had the wind kicked out of me, like it was the last few times. I just unfollowed my mutual friend and moved on with my day.

 

No more of that, then.

[Xemyd]

Why do I still miss your stupid ass.

 

 

 

The romantic feelings are gone, but I miss your presence in my life. You don't exist anymore.

[CaliGypsy]

Not as well as I'd like to be.

 

I'm having a tough year emotionally .

[freebird31]

My dad got out of the hospital a few weeks ago. He ha surgery. But now he is saying he is going to have radiation therapy for five weeks and there is a chance it could damage his heart:( has anyone or does anyone know of radiation therapy? I feel really depressed my dad was finally doing ok but now he has to suffer some more....it's just breaking my heart:/ I don't have anyone to talk to anymore Cus my once Bff who I told everything to is not a part of my life anymore . I feel really alone stressed and sad.

[freebird31]

Why does everything happen all at once btw:( first the break up with my ex a year again which I'm STILL trying to get over. That was seriously traumatic for me. Then my supposed "BFF" of seven years and I haven't talked in 4 months . Now my dad. Like I seriously feel stressed. And I don't have anyone to vent to anymore....i feel sad today. I wish I had someone a true close friend to just confide in. But she showed her true colors. IM totally victimizing myself but idc I've been through a lot.

[redbaron005]

Why does everything happen all at once btw:( first the break up with my ex a year again which I'm STILL trying to get over. That was seriously traumatic for me. Then my supposed "BFF" of seven years and I haven't talked in 4 months . Now my dad. Like I seriously feel stressed. And I don't have anyone to vent to anymore....i feel sad today. I wish I had someone a true close friend to just confide in. But she showed her true colors. IM totally victimizing myself but idc I've been through a lot.

 

Sorry to hear about your dad. But, I want to hear three good things that have happened to you in the past year. Go! :

[freebird31]

Sorry to hear about your dad. But, I want to hear three good things that have happened to you in the past year. Go! :

 

Lol I see your point. Excuse my pessimism.

[freebird31]

Maybe there's just a reason for everything ?:/ blah. I just am going to hate to see my dad suffer for those five weeks.

[mtsuper]

Its been 1 week of NC its been a month today since the BU the first week she broke up it was all I miss you and we will be together but not now the next its leave me alone I don't want to be with you and her telling me this guy likes her and sometime she feels she likes him but she gets it confused with love with me because he does everything I do then the 3rd week she tells me she dropped the guy because of me then a couple days later we get in an argument and says that she is gonna let him back in her life then the same week she says she misses me and back and forth I don't think we will get back together to the very next minute that maybe later in time we will get back together..then my dumb ass goes to see her two days after that and she tells me tomove on because she can't do it with me anymore.the next day after that she text me and I didn't reply back..after that she hasn't tried to contact me its been a week and like two days and some days I'm goodbut thebworst time is when I'm at work my thoughts cloud me and I get miserable I tryso hard not to check her tumble r Facebook I don't check her Instagram anymore so I guess that's a step but my thoughts cloud me what if she is out having the time of her life and me I don't have much to do and Wat if she is messing with other dudes already it all kills me and everyday I don't know what to do I hope that we will get back together and do this right but right now it isn't up to me unfortunately hopefully she realizes she needs me just as much as I do her but I'm sure her friend that doesn't like me puts stuff inside her head idk what I'm to do with myself I can only wait because she goes back to college which is30 minutes away from me but she won't be in my city anymore and I'll be going back to school so maybe that wud help but until then idk what to do

[hedyo]

Day 15 since break-up/NC. Today is the first day I have felt truly at peace since the break-up. I am still having trouble sleeping, but otherwise I feel ok. I believe my ex is already seeing someone else, but I am trying not to let it bother me. Really, it's just a sign that he is unable to be alone and face his feelings. I signed up to a dating site, but I'm in no rush to meet anyone. My priority needs to be taking care of myself and processing what has happened. Like anyone who's been dumped, I still fantasize about the "I'm sorry, take me back"-message. However, my ex is increasingly feeling like a stranger to me. The man I thought I knew and loved would not have walked away from me like that.

[freebird31]

Armoring up. It's going to be a tough ride ahead. But i have to b strong for those I love. I have been going to the gym and have set a new fitness goal. This has helped me to put my focus somewhere else other than my stresses. I feel ok

[Amy74]

He texted me a couple days ago--"You're beautiful. I miss you. I love you-forever." I might have assumed they were for someone else except that he included an old foto of us.

 

At first I was in shock and panicking about how I was going to respond--then I realized that I didn't have to respond. WTH!?! What was he hoping to accomplish? I know I should have kept him blocked to avoid situations like this. Trying to read meaning into his stupid texts.

 

I think his ex took his daughters on vacation for the month and he's probably bored and lonely. **** him. Is this his lazy attempt to win me back or just get my attention? It does matter--I'm with E now--happy.

 

So why didn't I keep him blocked?!?

I guess I just wanted to know to know if he was missing me.

Now I know and I should block him again.

 

If E's ex was texting him I would want him to block her!

[Arient]

Done with my de-tox process, felt so much stronger and healthier. Gonna keep the list of to-dos going longer. However, can't help but really miss him sometimes. Just wonder if it will ever be possible to fill up that hole in my poor heart.

[Xemyd]

I'm coping perfectly fine.

 

I can't picture what he looks like anymore, I don't remember what it felt like being with him, except that it was lonely. I wouldn't be able to recognize his voice, I'm forgetting everything and it feels amazing.

 

I used to think I'd never get over him, and part of me didn't want to. I'm so much happier, I'm ok being single, most importantly I'm happy without him.

[Evans223]

I feel crazy. One day I am strong and perfectly fine. Knowing all the reasons why are B-U happened, and what I have to do next.

And next morning I am broken and weak again. I want to break from this cycle..

[Itspointless]

It is nothing like the raw feelings at first, but I have trouble forgetting her. It is true she fits she box of an dismissive-avoidant as clear as it can be. I have never seen somebody suppress like her, she even told me things that I now see all point to that image. She was so enthusiastic about me in her life that at a certain moment I dared to trust: big mistake. I have to continue moving on ...

[Itspointless]

My ex was very clearly a fearful avoidant. Apparently not a lot is known about them and their behavior because psychologists hate studying them because they appear to give inconsistent results and they are so rare.

 

So your ex apparently had a positive self model (if I recall the four attachment styles) but a negative model of others and their trustworthiness.

 

My ex had the fun combination of both having a negative self model (thus being anxious and really really wanting to secure connection with people), but yet also having a negative model of others, and not being able to trust other people.

 

And so he pushed me away just as he was truly starting to obviously feel very strongly for me.

 

Getting over people with these attachment styles is not easy, is it?

 

I'm doing so much better than I was, but this is a scar that will probably only ever heal to 98 or 99 percent. There is something about being forced away by him when my leaving was causing him so much extreme pain that will always be scarring. To see someone suffering so much pain and for me to be so unable to help or do anything about it.

 

But yes. I'm sorry you had to go through that!

Hello Anya, it made me happy reading a few days ago that you are doing better.

 

When I read the descriptions of dismissives and fearfuls it seems like they both fit to her. But as the quadrants are actually a spectrum I guess she is somewhat near the fearful quadrant. I remember moments that she told me things that I concluded that she was really insecure, it was only later that I concluded that most of those insecurities weren’t about her, but mostly about others. I did found a text wherein she said she probably did not want me to see her vulnerable and that is what happened with her illness.

 

 

Yes it is hard to see someone suffer and being unable to do anything. For me it was close to a repetition of a childhood trauma and some losses after that. I am doing better, but forgetting her seems almost impossible. In a way I guess because I have that baggage from my childhood. But it is true I have found other stories on the net and those people often also seem to have trouble moving on. Your messages do help though as it is comforting to know that we are not alone.

 

 

Despite everything she had really beautiful traits that really complemented me. I guess I will always miss those.

 

 

Thank you :-)

[sickoflove11]

I coping from the loss of a best friend now, not a bf.

This is so much worse not having anyone to go to. Anyone that can help and cheer me up. This is something I have to do by myself with no one else. It sucks because I am such an introvert and have no other close friends. I put so much effort into our friendship I never thought I'd need anyone else. Now I know never to get too invested because not everyone will feel the same.

We are at different places in our life I must assume that is why this is all happening. She would never have gotten so upset at me for something like this.

I thought I was alone before but now this is the true test of being alone. Really having no one to turn to.