PhillyConnection23 Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 I've been thinking about her a lot. I'm reflecting on the person I can be and the things I can do differently in the future but I keep thinking that her and I can work out in the future. We were compatible but life got in the way and that is what sucks about my situation. I know she struggled with the break up and she knows I'm struggling with it. I just hope in the future that she is at least willing to meet with me in a public place and have a casual dialogue about our lives. I'm not bitter or angry at her but I just want it to work out sometime in the future.
freebird31 Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 I looked up his profile and I looked up the picture again where he was smiling and dancing I just can't stop thinking about it. Every time I see that picture , it almost feels like a drug like I just need to have him close. I miss his laugh and his personality I miss his goofiness he was so dorky and weird and everything he said was funny to me:( it literally feels like a drug that I just NEED. I need it now. I need to get high off that feeling when I'm with him. I wish I could reach out to him but that would be the stupidest thing to do. We will most likely never be together again. And if I were to reach out to him, that will push him away even further and make me look desperate. Goshhh!!!!! I just miss that feeling:( and his whole spirit and being.
Raena Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 I'm feeling pretty sad these days. Sad, lonely and depressed. I'm not feeling like I'm connecting with anyone lately, like no one seems to get what I'm going through. I muddle through each day, doing what I'm supposed to do but not really feeling it like I should be feeling it. People tell me all the time that they think I'm beautiful, strong, independent, funny. But yet, I'm alone all of the time. My phone never rings. I don't believe any of that either. I'm not beautiful... I'm old, wrinkly, grey and still somewhat overweight even though I eat right and exercise. I don't feel strong, in fact I feel like I'm at my weakest point ever in my entire life. I don't want to be solely independent. I want someone I can lean on a little every now and then, someone who will push me to be better than I am but not demand it. Someone who will respect me but not be a doormat either. I can't remember the last time I had a good laugh about something. It seems like there is so much stress in my life right now that nothing seems funny. I can't just relax and have a good laugh about stupid stuff. I know it's my attitude that is pushing people away or keeping people at a distance. I do it without even realizing it and then wonder why no one wants to be around me. Who really wants to be with a sour puss? No one. I beat myself up way too much and am too hard on myself. I always have been. I need to stop it and let all of this stuff go. I really miss the days when I was carefree and my biggest complaint was work stress that everyone (in my profession) has. I hate feeling like this. So miserable all the time.
OwMyEyeball Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Took some advice I gathered from around here and elsewhere on the Interwebs. I began writing down her flaws; anything that I found annoying, irritating or otherwise unattractive about her. Nobody is perfect and I'm sure she could make a list as long if not longer about my own failings. I ended up with a full page within 3 minutes. And throughout the day I kept coming up with other little tidbits to add to that list. None of this is meant to be vengeful or mean-hearted. I certainly will never share this list with her or anyone else. I'll soon shred it. But it helps to knock her off that pedestal and bring me back down to earth. Once done with that list I flipped over to the next blank page in my notebook and began jotting down all the mistakes I believe I had made during our relationship. A lot of it all boiled down to a central theme. Neglect towards myself and my needs, and passivity towards the relationship. I gave too much to her without giving enough heed to my own needs. And that's not selfless sainthood on my part. Deep down, it's selfish behaviour. I fed on the relationship and used it as a crutch. So I flipped over to yet another blank page and rattled over bullet point after bullet point of each of my flaws that emerged over the course of our relationship. The list wasn't as long as the one I drew up for her, but the flaws were much, much deeper. Not because I'm a "worse person", but simply because by now I know myself far better than I did her. My final journal entry for the day is a list of goals. What I want to achieve within the next year to better myself. And not for her. But for myself, so I can become a more well-rounded person who doesn't need to be with someone to "fill the hole". I believe the hole can be and should be filled by me, with me. 1
stillfiguringitallou Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Got my co-dependancy workbook in the mail today - time to move past some of the things I haven't before. While not co dependent enough for a dx - I definetly have strong tendencies that allow people to manipulate me fairly easily. I'm enrolling in school again as well - two state universities to choose from - whouda thunk I could get straight into a state uni. I miss him - so much, but it's okay, the day will come I won't so much and things will be alright.
AnyaNova Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Pain after eating the last several meals. Though it said that you could have foods that were not on the list safe, that hadn't been tested for, I think for my health right now I should stick to the definitely safe. I am throwing away all food that has anything not tested for and known safe (or known safe limited), anything that I don't know if it might have even a tiny speck of cross contimatinatio and starting from scratch. I'm having a really bad crash today. I can't think my way out of a paper sack., It was mild/medium, but then I had my first personal training session in a long itme. Now it is bad. Now it is really bad. And there is nothing that I can do but keep following the treatment and time. Going to go collapse in bed. I hate this.
Alcatraz Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Coping better. Thinking about her less. It still hurts and I still have questions but I'm not going to ask them. NC has helped big style. Feeling pride in people noticing I've lost weight.
whatsherface Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Getting worse day by day. I know I'll never find anyone better than you. I just know it. So what's the freakin point of anything anymore?
freebird31 Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Come to think of it, I've had feelings for him since the first time we have ever had a conversation. That was 3 years ago. Always had a crush on him from that very first conversation. It was just so easy with him. But then again I'm sure everyone says that about their connection with their ex or present partner. We just got along so well. Yeah he wasn't perfect and neither was I, but I'm surprised we even made it that far; 8 months. Now it's been a year since we have been broken up, and all this time apart had only made me realize just how much I really liked him. Otherwise I don't think id still be thinking about him. It's not the rejection part, it's him. I miss him. I miss his goofy laugh, and the way he fit perfectly in to my family. He made my family seem more complete. Like, he was the missing piece. I'm more introverted and he's def more extroverted and he made me feel more connected. We were really good for each other. Of course I have nothing to compare it with, being he was my first and only romance. But for my very first relationship, we did a good job. From beginning to end, we did a good job. Of course it got hard when time started to get in the way. Maybe we aren't ready for that kind of commitment right now but overall, relationships are hard they're not easy at all. For what it's worth we both did a really damn good job trying to make it work even when he had no idea what the hell we were doing half the time.
OwMyEyeball Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Anger day. Thought about her and the possibility that she was cheating on me before calling it quits. I have no real evidence and am probably projecting frustration from a stressful day at work. Regardless, it's still painful. Roller coaster. Some days I'm doing great, others not so much. Tonight is sad night Tomorrow will be better
redbaron005 Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Coping has been rough. It's a whole new set of feelings including a damaged ego and anger.
freebird31 Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Hung out with this guy I used to talk to again. I really felt attracted to him. But there were certain things he would do that we're similar to my ex. Like funny mannerisms and I would laugh, but all I could think about was how it wasnt as funny as when my ex did it. And then I found myself sad. And then fake laughing. And thinking of how my ex made me laugh so much just by being himself. He made me laugh so hard to the point where you get this feeling of like "dang I really dig this guy" I don't feel that with anyone else the guy I was talking to leaned in to kiss me and I just couldn't...i really wanted to kiss someone because it's been so long for me I just hope to escape in that moment of a good kiss. But I couldn't even do it:( all I felt was terrified. And I just wanted to go home. I just wanted someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright. I just miss my ex I miss kissing my ex I just wish I could so something about this. I know if we hung out like me and this guy hung out, all the sparks all the love would still be there. I just wish I could show him or make him see for himself it's still there, the love. Maybe he just has to see. I know he feels it too. If we saw each other and hung out we would probably crack up and laugh in each others company bc that what we'd always do, and it was never fake laughing it was always crying laughing like being together was too funny . I know all of that chemistry and love and attraction is still there. I just feel so tortured. The only person I want to be with is my ex. And I know he has great feelings for me, why can't he just commit!? So what if were 22, I don't want to do this without him anymore I miss him so much. i never thought if be the character in the movie that yearns over her lost love. I always thought id never get hurt , not like THIS anyway. It's been over one whole year and no feeling is greater than the feeling I have that yearns for him.
sybo24 Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 4 mths since NC and I feel worse not better. I think I finally feel alone, that he is not coming back and we are never gonna be together. I know I don't want him any more but the realisation that all the plans and future we had planned are not going to happen. Never felt so alone. I have friends around me but no one who can hold me and tell me everythings going to be ok. Don't have any family except for my two teenage children and I really cant tell them how I feel. I am doing all the things your told to do. Started exercising, losing weight, trying to think happy thoughts but nothings working. I went to the drs last week and have started anti depressants again. Hopefully they will start working soon I will feel a little more normal again. xx
Itspointless Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 This coming weekend a year ago I met her the first time. The ending of us still feels like a really sick joke, it remembered me due to the circumstance of a really hard episode in my life. Because of that I felt like I was playing in a cheap hidden camera show. Sometimes I wish I could just forget.
AnyaNova Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 This coming weekend a year ago I met her the first time. The ending of us still feels like a really sick joke, it remembered me due to the circumstance of a really hard episode in my life. Because of that I felt like I was playing in a cheap hidden camera show. Sometimes I wish I could just forget. My ex and I met for the first time may 28th a year ago. We got together on I believe the 8th of June. I'm having some anniversary pings as well. Sometimes I feel like that as well. And there are many days I wish I could just forget him and his damn sweet laugh. We'll get through this and we'll learn and we'll be better people in our next relationships for it. I gave him everything I had. Every ounce of energy, light, and laughter that I had within me (and given how my health problems were really manifesting I didn't have that much to give) because he needed them in his life. And I can't do that again. I cannot sacrifice so much of myself. I cannot risk my heart to another wounded one who might choose fear over trust. We'll learn and grow. Hang in there! 1
biddybud Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 I am so bloody angry. He took away my chance to celebrate the end of my degree because he made me homeless and couldn't get dissertation finished in time. Now he's taking away my opportunity to celebrate my friends birthday because he will be there. AND he broke my heart...... would use so many expletives right now but this wouldn't get posted. He is a bad man... cruel and spiteful. I want to scream in his face, but obviously i'm on no contact and he would just laugh at me........... right back to dissertation.
Itspointless Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 And I can't do that again. I cannot sacrifice so much of myself. I cannot risk my heart to another wounded one who might choose fear over trust. We'll learn and grow. Hang in there! Thank you Anya, I really appreciate your kind words. I feel much better compared to a couple of months ago, but still can feel really empty. I just have to be careful to not get myself in a dark mood, something I am familiar with all my life. I guess that for years I have been afraid too, afraid to disappoint as I unconsciously seem to confuse care for caring for, blame my childhood for that one. Yes, we will learn and grow
scallaway2100 Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Its been 3 days since i have been dumped by my kids father but i still live with him!! I want to run and hide like a scared little girl!! I feel like he just ripped me a hole in my heart!! The only and i mean only thing that is keeping me sane is my 3 wonderful kids!! I need to figure out a way to get past this!! 12yrs is a long time and apparently he lost the love for me just like that:( it sucks but what am i suppose to do??? Its a struggle not to cry at work! Or not to txt him but hell i live with him and have to see his face while he walks around the house like everything is ok. Talking to everyone except me!! Well ok..thats how i am feeling!!
whatsherface Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 I am so tired of feeling like crap everyday. I am so tired of analyzing everything I've ever done wrong in the relationship and reminiscing on all the good times. No one will ever compare to you. I know it. But please just stop haunting me. I can't live like this anymore. It's getting harder and harder to cope. I still regret breaking up with you. What's wrong with me.
AnyaNova Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 I am so tired of feeling like crap everyday. I am so tired of analyzing everything I've ever done wrong in the relationship and reminiscing on all the good times. No one will ever compare to you. I know it. But please just stop haunting me. I can't live like this anymore. It's getting harder and harder to cope. I still regret breaking up with you. What's wrong with me. Except for the fact that I didn't break up with him, and I know enough about brain chemistry to know that when someone else comes who I share true compatibility with, the comparisons will be out the window, but I can certainly echo the analyzing everything I ever did wrong in the relationship, reminiscing on the good times, and getting tired of being haunted. He's managed to erect quite the castle in my head. Its been nine months since he's even talked to me, several more than that that he broke up with me. I think it's only fair that he take his castle out of my head, carry it on his back, and leave it for good, right? Hoping your ex gives you the same courtesy!
freebird31 Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 So stressed out. My dad's in the hospital. And it's looking more serious they can't figure out what's wrong with him. I'm just so stressed out lately. Blah. I feel really stressed out. with everything. I think I have come to accept that I may always be hung up on my ex. I may never get over him.. Maybe I'll be one of those that never really gets over their ex. That's the worst possible scenario but maybe I should accept it if that happens. Oh well. What can you do. Not everything or maybe not everyone is supposed to be happy. Idk. Everything that's been going on is making me sick :/ I feel so tired and now this thing with my dad....I just can't right now
AnyaNova Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 So stressed out. My dad's in the hospital. And it's looking more serious they can't figure out what's wrong with him. I'm just so stressed out lately. Blah. I feel really stressed out. with everything. I think I have come to accept that I may always be hung up on my ex. I may never get over him.. Maybe I'll be one of those that never really gets over their ex. That's the worst possible scenario but maybe I should accept it if that happens. Oh well. What can you do. Not everything or maybe not everyone is supposed to be happy. Idk. Everything that's been going on is making me sick :/ I feel so tired and now this thing with my dad....I just can't right now Sorry that your father's in the hospital! I think when we feel sick, or tired, or stressed, it is natural to reach mentally for comfort, and yearn for the comfort we felt from our exes. I don't think yet that you need to fear that you won't get over him forever. I hope things with your father turn out well, and I hope that you will come through this okay. 1
Itspointless Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Sorry that your father's in the hospital! I think when we feel sick, or tired, or stressed, it is natural to reach mentally for comfort, and yearn for the comfort we felt from our exes. I don't think yet that you need to fear that you won't get over him forever. I hope things with your father turn out well, and I hope that you will come through this okay. What Anya said! Also do not be so hard on yourself, you really are doing great. 1
freebird31 Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 It's pointless and Anyanova, thanks guys:))<3 means a whole lot. I know I sound whiny and annoying, but it really makes me feel better to get it out there. Hope things get better and less stressful in due time. 1
OwMyEyeball Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 Yesterday was rough yet today was much better. A tiny infraction on the NC rule when I received an email from my ex as a "Reply All" to an event invitation to a fitness group we belong to. It was a one liner saying only that she couldn't attend the event since she'd be working. Regardless, I had to step away from my computer and bum a smoke off a co-worker (non-smoker except in periods of very high stress). I also realized I had some old emails from her. Those were summarily deleted. I was able to calm down fairly quickly after that and get myself focused again on work. I still have an hour or two to do this evening, but I'm not feeling as up to it as I was earlier. In one way it's nice to be out of town on assignment for the next 4-6 weeks. On the other, it's tough not having my friends around for those moments when I feel like curling up in bed and crying. I went for a nice hike around a nearby lake trail. Part of the time I imagined having her on my arm, squeezing me, as we strolled down the meandering path through the woods. I do miss her, but what I feel I'm missing the most is the companionship and affection. We had a strong physical bond - always in each other's arms cuddling, snuggling and smooching. I think we were really good for each other in meeting our most basic needs. But beyond that I don't believe we connected at a much deeper level. We're at different stages of our life. And then I think back on her relationship history. She has far more experience than I do, but in some senses I feel she's got far more baggage from them as well. I have some too, but of a different sort. We moved into dating only 2 months after she got out of a 2+ year relationship. In between her last boyfriend and our first date she was already fooling around with a guy at work. Except for a 6 month spell when she traveled to Europe with a friend she's been in 4 long-term relationships in the past 10 years (excluding our 1 year rship). I was too naive and smitten to think much of it at the time, but those facts alone should have given me reason for pause. That she would often talk about her exes - albeit in a way that would put me in a positive light - should have made it obvious to me. I was a rebound. Oh well, I'm also a late bloomer. In the past year I've gone from almost 0 experience in the realm of women to a dozen dates with half a dozen women (half of which ended very nicely ), into a 6 week fling that transitioned into the recently broken 9 month relationship that for all but a few instances, at least in my mind, was going pretty well. Looking back now I can see the warning signs, and that she struggled for a while with the question of where our relationship was going and how she felt about it, and about me. I made my share of mistakes. When she ended things she was holding me in tears. She never even said anything to the effect of "I want to end things". Most of the time was just spent cuddling and uttering "I'm no good at these things" and "I'm confused". But I slowly brought it out of her until a neighbour came to the back door to borrow something. From there we sort of snapped out of our co-misery and decided to take the dog for a walk. And it was like we went straight back to being a cheerful couple. Coming home we grabbed some groceries, cooked and ate a yummy meal, laughed, watched a cute foreign flick then spent the night smooching and cuddling in bed (no sex since she was starting her cycle). The next day we took the dog for another walk, grabbed some breakfast then sat back down on the couch where the whole breakup had begun the day earlier. Up to that point we had already started making plans for what to do later on in the week. But I had to bring it up ... were we still a couple? What about yesterday? What was that all about? And so she broke down crying again. She didn't see how we could "make it work". And frankly, I didn't offer up much for solutions. I was stressed to heck with a major work project that would take me out of town for 4-6 weeks and feeling mildly depressed from the onset effects of anti-depressants I had restarted a few weeks earlier. I wasn't brimming with hope - only guilt and sadness brewing in a pit of despair. I offered we take a break for a few weeks to let things simmer down a bit. She was definitely in PMS (I'd experienced those wild mood swings for the past several months) and I was in a funk. Our moods were temporary; our relationship didn't have to be. I made it clear that I didn't want to lose her, but I wasn't ready to put up a fight either. And I have never been one to beg - ever. In my mind it was over at the point she declined the break and accepted the only other solution I had: to breakup. After another 10 minutes of quiet cuddling she got up to go to work. After I closed the door to her, and our relationship, I finally broke down into tears. It's over now. Scraps of me hang onto the thought of reconciliation, though my rational mind is quite determined to carry the course for NC. From everything I've read it's the only sane policy. She made her choice and it wasn't me. I made my own choices and they ultimately agreed. My mind is still adjusting. There's some pain yet to come. She may already be well past her grieving, but her general well being is no longer my concern. Before she walked out of my life I told her to call if she needed anything; she reciprocated. I should have probably specified "if you're ever in an emergency" ... but I think she understands. She may already be with another guy. It fits her pattern. For all I know, she may have already found that guy before initiating the breakup and was only waiting until he was secured before "jumping vines". That thought has given me some very terrible moments. The last time we made contact - 4 days after the BU - she arrived at our fitness studio in the car of a very attractive, very savvy man ... at 7AM. For all I know he's a gay friend, or all around very nice guy whose girlfriend asked if he could help my ex out, or a vulture with intentions she hasn't yet clued into. I did ask "Please tell me he's a friend" to which the answer was entirely irrelevant. I told her maybe I'd see her around the studio - I've since changed my schedule to times I know she can never make it due to work. She seemed pleased by that and suggested maybe we could see each other outside of the studio at some point soon as well. Breadcrumbs. Whatever the situation is there, I need to let it go. It's over. Despite all the pain I'll be a better person from it. I hope she will be too. But wherever life's journey takes her, I won't be there alongside her to share in its joys and sorrows. And that makes me sad
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