AnyaNova Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 I stupidly did reading online about the odds for women over 35. They aren't good. And even though I've never had children and I'm getting more into shape and my body is getting really awesome and I'm getting attraction signals from pretty much most men most of the time... I am still fearing that I will never know love again. That my last shot at it and my last memory of it will be the heart gouging Tim gave me. And in other news, my blood pressure was way low today despite me having a headache. Surprise surprise. AnyaNova is morose about love and about her ex. And other physical symptoms indicate something nutritional (if there is anything wrong with my health lately...it is always nutritional. Who knows what it is this time). I am going to go curl up in a ball somewhere.
redbaron005 Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 And other physical symptoms indicate something nutritional You will find love again! On a side note, check out Healing with Whole Foods, its a great nutritional book with tons of easy to understand info. 1
Drez Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 day 10 of NC...just put a t-shirt on that my ex must have worn to sleep in...her smell was still on it.....nearly broke me. Quickly threw it in the wash...wow!
elseaacych Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 Inadvertently saw a picture of my ex today on the facebook. I spent more time looking at it than I should have. He looks as though he is only partially there, like he's lost part of himself. I can't tell if he's really happy, even though he has a small smile on his face. I haven't seen a picture of him really smiling in over a year. Makes me wonder.
AShogunNamedMarcus Posted April 18, 2014 Posted April 18, 2014 (edited) Well I'm back here so not well. I see on here frequently "closure comes from within." I don't know, I don't think I've ever felt closure on anything, ever. It doesn't exist for me. If I can block it out of my mind, it's as close as I'll ever get. I wanted to marry this girl. I wanted her to comfort my insecurities and fears for the rest of my life. We went on separate vacations, during which my love for her strengthened. It was a 2 day drive back home and all I could think about was holding her again. I come home and found out she didn't come back. I called her and told her I'd kill myself if she didn't return. She said "okay baby" with a tremble in her voice and I could hear her crying. I don't blame her, she did what was right for her. I have enough disorders to make anyone run. God damn she was so sweet. That was the last time we spoke. Everything in life has been a disappointment since her. She was 20 years ago. I spent 19 years running from her memory, denying she existed. Denying what she meant to me. I wasted my chance to say good-bye. I used it to threaten suicide and manipulate her into saying she'd come back to me. I just want to tell her I'm sorry I couldn't be what she needed. I'm sorry I'm mentally ill and incapable of being happy. It wasn't her fault. She tried so hard to make me happy. I want to tell her what she meant to me and thank her for loving me... for trying. I don't have any questions for her. I just need to say good-bye. But I probably never will. I have to carry this with me until I die and hopefully that wont take long. Sure, I could send her a message right now, but it feels like such a bitch move. I can't bring myself to do it, nor do I think I should. She ruined me for all women. She told me that would happen. She told me no one would ever love me like she did. How did she know all this? Bottom line is I'm not good enough. Never was, never will be, and I'll never be able to make my amends. I can't thank her, I can't apologize, I can't put her through this sht again. She's happy now, I'm sure of it. I can't repress it anymore. I have to carry it. It feels like I'm 6 months or so out of the BU. It's been that long since I let myself remember her. I didn't grieve back then, just repressed and drank until I could forget. I've tried that this time but it failed. Blah, blah, whiny blah. Pathetic. Edited April 18, 2014 by AShogunNamedMarcus
AnyaNova Posted April 19, 2014 Posted April 19, 2014 My person trainer put me on a complete workout blackout until I'm medically cleared. I can't ven kickbox and I feel horrible. That is my biggest outlet my my nutrition stuff crashes and I start missing Tim. I am tired and freezing and something is really nutritionally off and I don't want to die but right now i cannot think of a sine reason to live or to keep teying or fightin. im so tired of this. I can't find. Way to spin this or make any of the **** and hell that I have experienced this past year positive or truly meaningful. I keep thing and fighting and pushing and struggling through this and all I get is pain and I am so damn sick of missing him. After everything he put me through and clearly he doesn't give a **** now about me and I can't sgomy brain from missing him like crazy.
whatsherface Posted April 19, 2014 Posted April 19, 2014 (edited) After breaking up with him, I kept feeling like I made the biggest mistake of my life. I tried talking it out with him but I was too late........he was already flirting with girls soon after our breakup and making summer plans with them. I feel so heartbroken. It's been 3.5 months but I still spend a good 80% of my day thinking about him. At least I'm doing much better than I was last week. At least my appetite is somewhat back. I still can't sleep very well though, and I wake up miserable every day. The only hope I have is that I'm moving on, even if it's very very slow progress. :/ Edited April 19, 2014 by whatsherface
Drez Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Holy crap today was hard! Was day 12 of NC...I thought it was meant to get easier? Think it's because I was expecting her to contact me during the first week, and the realization that it is actually over is setting in
HappyxFaith Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Its so strange that even though you were the one that broke up with me, I am the one being hit with guilt every once in a while thinking, maybe I did too much, maybe I gave too much, maybe I rushed too much and scared you away.... Was it really me? Was I more than 50% of this?
elseaacych Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Last Easter, My Ex and I spent the whole day together. We did church, lunch with his family, dinner with mine. I had a wonderful time, and it just felt natural, like the first of many.... this year, I've had fuzzy recollections of it, and I've just missed him. He's still a jerk, though.
redbaron005 Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Heard through the grapevine that my ex had a family emergency recently and is back from NZ. My heart goes out to her and her family and I sincerely hope everyone is okay.
iouaname Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Things were great for a while, but they're a little tougher right now. I'm working on it... hoping for an upswing eventually. Just one day at a time, that seems to be the best way to handle things
somedude81 Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 At almost five months since she dumped me, I'm starting to wonder if any of it ever happened or if it was a dream. It's been so long since I last saw her, the memories I have of her feel really weird. While cleaning I found a bag that contained the candles she used for the birthday cupcakes she made me. So I do know that she existed. I've been alone for so long that when I read threads where people talk about sex, I feel that I've also forgotten what that was like. It's almost as if the past is fading away into nothingness.
Itspointless Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 It's almost as if the past is fading away into nothingness. Yeah, and that does not make me particularly happy. Just when I started believing she actually was real she just disappeared. To be honest she had some really heavy things going on in her life. Never fall into the trap thinking that grown independent woman in their thirties have their things together. She just flipped a switch and become very avoidant to me (and her friends). It just sucks knowing that we connected so unbelievably good, that part - at least to me - has indeed faded into nothingness. It has been locked and the key is thrown away.
elseaacych Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 somedude81, wow, I've been feeling the same things the last couple days. I've been dreaming of my ex about every other night. At first, it was kind of welcome, but now that it's become more frequent, I'm just getting tired of it. I just want to get through this.
JDPT Posted April 21, 2014 Posted April 21, 2014 Hang strong, you've been here before and a day at a time. I stupidly did reading online about the odds for women over 35. They aren't good. And even though I've never had children and I'm getting more into shape and my body is getting really awesome and I'm getting attraction signals from pretty much most men most of the time... I am still fearing that I will never know love again. That my last shot at it and my last memory of it will be the heart gouging Tim gave me. And in other news, my blood pressure was way low today despite me having a headache. Surprise surprise. AnyaNova is morose about love and about her ex. And other physical symptoms indicate something nutritional (if there is anything wrong with my health lately...it is always nutritional. Who knows what it is this time). I am going to go curl up in a ball somewhere. 1
JDPT Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 Feeling pretty damn great as I inch on a one year post BU, woohooo! 2
L1ght Posted April 22, 2014 Posted April 22, 2014 I feel pretty much the same way I felt before I even knew my ex existed. I have a love for life, love for myself and my family. I'm a dreamer...I've always been a bit of a dreamer and the air tastes good, I smile every day, I laugh in the rare moments that my ex pops into my head and I love that.....I just find the whole idea of love and commitment hilarious these days, the way that one day somebody can mean everything to you then the next day its over. I really can't take it seriously at all. I'm not looking for love, I'm just looking for good times in life and they are easy to find if a person has the right attitude. I'm the type of guy who has always been able to find my way on my own and I love that I'm on this journey again. I've got 2 holidays coming up this year, one in the peak district and the other in Germany and I can't wait. Roll on summer time!
Johnson1 Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 (edited) Not very well. I'm going on 4 months of my separation living in a house, alone, that I can't sell because it needs too much work and will probably be foreclosed on because I was laid off from my job this week and can't pay the mortgage anymore. My only option is to leave the home and move in with my sister 900 miles away because I'll be out of work and destitute, then worry about the bank coming after me for losses on the house. My kids hate me and we haven't spoken in 3 months and probably never will again because I left their mother and they never understood my tough love as a father. I have family who supports me 100%, but the more they want to help, the lower I feel. My self esteem and feeling of self pride is the lowest it's been in my lifetime. My moods fluctuate on a weekly basis from fearfulness to hopefulness, to hopelessness, to anger, then sadness, then repeats the cycle. I never know what emotions I'm going to experience each day I get up. In my poverty, I went up to the liquor store tonight and bought some whiskey and beer and just sat alone in the car in the driveway in silence, staring at the house my wife and I had built 13 years earlier. All the hopes and dreams washed away before my eyes. I won't go back to her. I can't. I know that. Even if I wanted to, she most likely wouldn't come back, and if she did her treatment towards me would be ten times worse. So this is it. I started it, now I have to see it through to the end, wherever that may lead. I feel like I can't depend on myself to make it alone through life because I've never experienced it. I've always had her to fall back on because of my unstable job history. I'm not too proud to admit, I'm frightened. I feel like it's survive, or die. Remember Brooke's from Shawshank Redemption? Well that's me, only instead of being released from prison, I released myself from a 30 year marriage I called prison. Edited April 23, 2014 by Vocals5
somedude81 Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 I just read an article about cats and why they do what they do. My next thought was, "I miss cats." Then I remembered that my ex has three of them and I really liked going to her parents house and playing with them. Right away a few tears came dripping down
STM206 Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 Today was oddly in a sense a little better. I found myself being sarcastic with my parents with I haven't done in forever. I still think of him often but I'm finding myself somewhat coming to terms with everything... Slightly having hope for the future, and future love. I'm single now, and I keep telling myself... Do you want to be 50 years old one day looking back and regreting that you let 28 be filled with misery? No. He left me, and he's off being happy with his ex... I deserve to be happy too dammit!
Candy_Pants Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 After hours of drama last night (I turned my phone off) he has the balls to accuse me of being childish and that I am harming our baby!!! My head hurts from crying.
Drez Posted April 23, 2014 Posted April 23, 2014 I feel pretty much the same way I felt before I even knew my ex existed. I have a love for life, love for myself and my family. I'm a dreamer...I've always been a bit of a dreamer and the air tastes good, I smile every day, I laugh in the rare moments that my ex pops into my head and I love that.....I just find the whole idea of love and commitment hilarious these days, the way that one day somebody can mean everything to you then the next day its over. I really can't take it seriously at all. I'm not looking for love, I'm just looking for good times in life and they are easy to find if a person has the right attitude. I'm the type of guy who has always been able to find my way on my own and I love that I'm on this journey again. I've got 2 holidays coming up this year, one in the peak district and the other in Germany and I can't wait. Roll on summer time! very inspirational/motivational post mate, thank you. 1
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