somedude81 Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Still so angry at her. I don't want to hate her but I do. It's a good thing we never run into each other, cause if we do I'd probably punch her for what she put me through.
Loveisonlyformovies Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Not feeling well, could only block him for 12 hours, I wasn't stronger than that :/ not that it matters since he seems to have deactivated that account after tearing me apart again so he can stay happy with his gf... it's not fair that she got everything i ever wanted.. maybe i judged him wrongly, maybe he's not bad, it's just me who's not good enough for him hoping every minute of the day that they will break up and he'll come back, it's not like i'll get better than him anyway or that he'll ever find me good enough again so i could hurt him back i haven't studied for a month now and it'll take a miracle to finish all on time.. school will kick me out any day now, but i just can't get myself together on my own, i've no help from anyone and therapy is just a waste of time since i'm only falling deeper in the depression and i can't ask for new one either since that put me back in the line again and i have to wait another two years for help I'm not coping well at all, every night i wish i wont ever wake up again, i just can't see any reason to live anymore.. it's all too late
redbaron005 Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 Really feeling down today - heartbroken and hurt. The love must have been deep for me to be in this much pain at 4 months NC. Messed this one up. And now, my deepest fear is that I will hurt someone else just as badly. This is the worst I have felt for months. Am doing everything I can to keep myself from breaking down crying here at work.
BogiProcrastinator Posted March 31, 2014 Posted March 31, 2014 At the moment I'm working my way through a bottle of red wine and a bar a chocolate after a day of spontaneously bursting into tears at irregular intervals at work while trying to conceal it from co-workers (it's an open office) while simultaneously hoping someone might notice and reach out to console me. But enough of the disposition, let's get to the point: I'm a nearly 26 year old, fat, socially awkward virgin with an unrequited love/unhealthy obsession towards a very good friend of a close relative. I've always been ugly, odd and awkward but it never really bothered me as a child, I had a narrow circle of trusted friends and I strangely felt special and wore by outsider status as a badge of honour. But, upon reaching puberty, I had to realize that being the way I am made it impossible to fit in, forge new friendships or even maintain the ones from early childhood. And of course every time I felt attracted to someone (mainly boys, although I know most people’s sexuality is actually surprisingly fluid, even though not always acknowledged due to social conventions, prejudices etc.), it was much more difficult and mostly manifested in angst, heightened social awkwardness and outright rudeness towards the unlucky subjects of my devotion. Not surprising therefore that I resolved myself to some kind of undeclared celibacy quite early on, mainly motivated by my paralyzing fear of the shame and humiliation of rejection. Luckily I was able to explain away all my teenage attractions as being in love with the notion of love etc. and avoid this sorry business throughout my late teens and early twenties until that fateful birthday party... For better understanding, it needs to be stated that –in spite of this talk of explaining away and avoiding attraction - I’m a desperately, pathetically romantic soul. Not the sappy romcom, schmaltzy music, sickly sweet ‘Hallmark greeting cards’ way but the classis, 19th century, Brontë, Austen, Caspar David Friedrich, gothic, broody, melancholic, ghost storyish, ‘crumbling stonewalls covered with Ivy’, secret gardens, barren and stormy landscapes populated by unbridled and uncouth Byronic heroes and silent, oppressed but never broken Janes – way. I know this category is rather ill defined and could easily be questioned by an expert of that period but I think you, dear reader, get my meaning. That is way it’s not really surprising that –after years of only living out these tendencies of mine in a fantasy world in my head – I was in the right mindset to finally fall for a flesh and blood human being under the right circumstances, such as the birthday party of my dear (not in an ironic way) brother-in-law – my elder sister’s better half - where I was also invited with the intention of coaxing me out of my shell. It was at the beginning of a mission my kind and popular elder sister has embarked on, trying to invite and drag me along to as many social occasions as possible in order to improve my people skills with debatable results but with my best interest in mind. These are the circumstances under which I’ve been thunderstrucked by this love or obsession or call it what you want towards this strange, blue eyed man with a magnetic personality and velvety voice. He isn’t what you would call conventionally handsome, but there is something in his features, especially in his eyes, which makes me melt inside. As far as I could make out, he occupies a special place in their circle of friends because of his otherworldliness, charisma, wit or - I really don’t know how to describe it – but it simultaneously makes my situation less surprising and more pathetic. So far, so good, you could say, it’s a usual enough story, falling for someone more popular and being overlooked. If only that would be the case, it would be some much easier to cope with. But, unfortunately, due to my trademark awkwardness and unlucky habit of making a total idiot of myself by blurting out everything and anything that pops into my head when under stress, I’ve managed to alienate him to the extent where he actively dislikes me. He barely acknowledges my presence when in the company of our common friends and literally looks right through me when we bump into each other at work. Oh yes, forgot to mention, we actually work at the same office, luckily in completely different departments, although we happen to cross each other’s paths a bit too often for my comfort. So this is where I am at the moment. Every time my sister invites me along to a social gathering, I have to take into consideration that he could be there as well, endure all the times my sister and my brother in law discuss his love life with worry in my presence, completely oblivious to the fact that I’m dying inside while pretending not to pay attention. It’s hell, at least based on my limited life experience. I start every day with a resolution to end this whole thing, will these feelings away, but I just can’t stop my mind wondering to dangerous territories, like his eyes, nose, lips, what it would feel like kissing those lips, what he might look like naked, what sounds he makes when reaching orgasm... I better stop now. I’ve wasted two years of my life silently pining after him, which even influenced a couple of important, life altering decisions I made, but I simply have to put an end to it. The timing is perfect for it, as my sister and her husband – the only social link I have to him – are moving abroad for years, so if I’m cautious, I might never have to see him or talk to him again and hopefully, in a couple of years, he will fade into an embarrassing memory tucked away in the darkest recesses of my mind. And even now, I can’t help imagining a scenario in which - due to some strange twist of fate- he discovers this entry, puts two and two together and... then I don’t know. Bursts into laughter or gets sick by the idea or just shrugs his shoulder. I’m almost certainly better off not knowing the answer. It’s past 1:00 AM here, the wine is nearly finished and I’m already half asleep hoping beyond hope to wake up as a brand new person. All I’m asking from you, dear reader, is to tell me I’m not mad.
jonsnuh Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 I thought I was doing ok, barely functioning until I got curious and looked up my ex on OKCupid. Worst mistake ever. Now I can't sleep, totally self-conscious about where I am in my life, and have Gorillaz's On Melancholy Hill playing in loop.
Js2493 Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 Was doing well until I was informed that my ex is talking to other guys again. Been one month since she ended it. I guess it's good for me in a way because it gets rid of some of the false hope I had but it also hurts like a bitch.
freebird31 Posted April 1, 2014 Posted April 1, 2014 i just believe so truly that my ex still cares about me I HATE that i STILL feel this way. I seriously hate being stuck in this limbo. At this point I wish tht I would just see proof of him moving on. But i remember he had told me when he broke up with me that he didnt want a gf for a very long time. To this day it still annoys me and gets under my skin. idk maybe im obsessed with this. But its more than JUST a thought, its a FEELING. i still FEEL it in my heart, i still long for him, for his presence nd his laugh and his company. Maybe it was the way that he left me hanging...with those words that he was still attracted to me, that he still had love for me. Maybe i am a fool becuase i so deeply believe he meant that. I cant believe im still grieving over this, its embarassing and shameful. After all this time, a year. i mean its been 7 months nc, idk. I know my worth, i know my love is one of a kind. im confident in who I am. I have a lot of goals for my future, i am a hardworker, i come from a good family. the thing is i know I am probably too good for my ex. And i know one day he might realize that he had something really good. And idc anymore if he "realizes what he lost" at this point i could care less about what he realizes idc if he gets hurt losing me. For a long time i wanted him to realize what he lost, so he could hurt like I did. but none of that matters to me anymore. I know that im prob too good for him, but knowing that unfortunately still does not erase the feelings i have for him. maybe because he was my first love that is why this has been so difficult. Maybe i am NAIVE. that is probably it. But i cant help but FEEL, FEEl that he still cares about me. I truly believe what we shared was one of a kind; genuine and real. and i can FEEL it, that he still cares, that he also longs for me. i do Not know why he decides to stay away. i dont know anymore i dont know WHY i FEEL this way. I knw eventually I will have to move on. I cannot keep doing this to myself. i will not wait for him any longer. I am not waiiting for him. I am just stuck in this imbo. between healing and moving and on. I want to eventually meet someone else. But not yet. I want to work on me first. but I am not waiting, havent been waiting for a long time now. But even though im not waiting, it doesnt take away the feelings i have over this. or the feelings i think that he still has.
freebird31 Posted April 2, 2014 Posted April 2, 2014 I figured out what i want, i jsut want him to move on already. i want to see him moved on already with someone else for me to know its real. I just hate knowing he still has feelings for me. I think he is a coward for not facing how he feels. for leaving me hanging when he broke up with me. Telling me he still has feelings for me and is still attracted to me. Coward. coward! For not fully letting me go. I wantt to see him moved on with someone else, with another girl. i need that. i need that in order to move on. im so tired. im so tired of being stuck in this limbo. Im so tired. its been a year. He is so selfish to have left me hanging. I need to move on. im just tired. i dont want this anymore. its not fair. this is ridiculous.
martaldn Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 bad bad bad day today I was SO close to break the NC and write to him. Instead I had a little cry and came here to have some distraction.. I have pain in the middle of my chest and I know it is going to be a long hard day 1
StringsAttached Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 Nothing lasts forever. I wish we could have lasted a little longer though...actually gave it a chance you know? True love is unexpected. I was happy, single. I wasn't looking for a relationship. It kinda found me and you gave it all away because of religion. *sigh* I said some stuff there at the end. You know I didn't mean it. I was frustrated after getting toyed with many times. You don't even care thoughs so why should I? The void is still there. Sometimes I escape you and I can laugh openly again with friends and family only to be reminded of you shortly thereafter. I can literally feel the surge of negative energy course through my body as my mind processes that i'm broken up. You're a great person C but you never deserved me. Forgive me for my synapses and i'll forgive you for being beautiful. 1
Afailure Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 I hate myself,i hate myself for making changes to myself after losing her,i hate myself for being stupid and acting the way i did,i was just afraid of being used. Sometimes i hate her for leaving me because i was loyal to her,i never insulted her and i tried to show that i was not bastard like others but everything came out wrong.I hate her because she chose to think of me as a bastard when i was not. I don't deserve to be seen as a monster,i tried my best,i made some mistakes but they weren't as despicable as to what others do. Why did i have to lose her?I miss her,i miss the girl i wanted to marry in a few years,i miss my soul mate.
Mary Oak Posted April 3, 2014 Posted April 3, 2014 My feelings change moment by moment. But, at this moment, I hate you. ANd it even hurts me to say it because we have tried so long to remain repectful and kind to each other, but I loathe what you did to us.
STM206 Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Today I'm feeling a little better. I still think about him daily (wish that wasn't the case) but I also am slowly but surely accepting things for what they are, even though the thought every so often pops up that he will reach out one day wanting to reconcile, but I would only be fooling myself. All the signs point to a big fat NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. To think I was such a sucker for romance movies, thinking that I had been blessed and lucky enough to be living one. It hurts still, I do wish he would've given me a chance, that he cared enough to want "us" to work, but he doesn't at all... He just doesn't care and that's what hurts the most.
mus Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Was fine until itchy fingers me decided to look up her current boyfriend's instagram account (the guy she ditched me for) When i see her current boyfriend posting a picture of her claiming that she's his. This is childish but I am so so so tempted to spill the beans to him about what was going on between me and her while he was still chasing her and was not aware of my existence. I could cause a major rift in their relationship if i wanted to, the lure of revenge is so tempting and this is so unlike me.
FierceFoxie Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Was fine until itchy fingers me decided to look up her current boyfriend's instagram account (the guy she ditched me for) When i see her current boyfriend posting a picture of her claiming that she's his. This is childish but I am so so so tempted to spill the beans to him about what was going on between me and her while he was still chasing her and was not aware of my existence. I could cause a major rift in their relationship if i wanted to, the lure of revenge is so tempting and this is so unlike me. I am right there with you. I slept with my ex in February without knowing where he stood with his current girl (I had stopped checking his fb weeks before that). To this day he still has his status as in a relationship with her and he posted photos of them together the very next day after i slept with him. Recently, he has displayed the start of their relationship last Oct. And when I look at the date listed, just 2 days before that he was trying to sleep with me and then just 2 weeks after their start, he was sexting me and sending me nudes. argh! If only she knew how unfaithful he has been to her since they began. But like you, I am not vindictive to rat him out.
mus Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 I am right there with you. I slept with my ex in February without knowing where he stood with his current girl (I had stopped checking his fb weeks before that). To this day he still has his status as in a relationship with her and he posted photos of them together the very next day after i slept with him. Recently, he has displayed the start of their relationship last Oct. And when I look at the date listed, just 2 days before that he was trying to sleep with me and then just 2 weeks after their start, he was sexting me and sending me nudes. argh! If only she knew how unfaithful he has been to her since they began. But like you, I am not vindictive to rat him out. Not a predicament that i would wish on anyone. I know that horrible sucky feeling, seeing someone think their partner is so wonderful and you know for a fact they are not. Listening to music helped, the anger in me is subsiding. I pity the fool. From my bias point of view. Evidently, she's moved on and is happy with mediocrity, don't get me started on how well i treated her compared to him.
Antwonton Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 I still live with my ex, we will until August. I'm never happy anymore. All i do is hang around our apartment when i'm not working. She's always going out to probably not do the same. i just can't seem to summon up joy to want to do anything proactive. I clean the apartment head to toe to keep my mind busy.
Afailure Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 A failure,i failed her,i failed my promise of keeping a great girl happy now she's moved on,she's with someone else,she hates me,she thinks i'm a monster,a jerk,she thinks i just wanted to get her in my bed when that's not the truth at all.I can imagine what she told her new boyfriend about me. What's the point?There's nobody like her.I wish i was given one last chance...
canuck03 Posted April 4, 2014 Posted April 4, 2014 Finished school last week, been doing pretty well. Feel great most days. Decided to clean my room which I have put off for a long time, found a bunch of cards, notes, receipts, all the crap that reminds me of her. Decided to rip it all up and just throw it away. No need to go through the pain of seeing it over and over. Did make me sad and brought some memories back, but it's for the best. Damn, it took a lot of courage and effort to just toss it all. One step at a time.
martaldn Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 Bad again today I just had a quick look at his twitter and he post something about watching a movie last night ( guess with her cause he said "we") I can't accept I am going through this ***** for so long and he is still playing the the happy relationship with her!!! How can he do that?! He cheated on her so many times! I so want to tell her everything and make him suffer like hell!! I need to stop to check that bloody twitter 1
swfc_77 Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 Rubbish for me too. Only just realised a few days ago I got a lot of guilt dumped on me, I can't deal with it. Sat in house alone, on a Saturday night, these are the things I was/am worried about, sitting alone watching sod all on TV praying for Monday to come around now so I can get back to work. It's the loneliness that's a killer. When somebody exits your life very fast and very cruelly, it leaves you standing there asking yourself was if that bad?
Haydn Posted April 5, 2014 Posted April 5, 2014 Yes no checking. X Bad again today I just had a quick look at his twitter and he post something about watching a movie last night ( guess with her cause he said "we") I can't accept I am going through this ***** for so long and he is still playing the the happy relationship with her!!! How can he do that?! He cheated on her so many times! I so want to tell her everything and make him suffer like hell!! I need to stop to check that bloody twitter 1
freebird31 Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 We all have been hurt, we all have our problems. This past year has been insane . I don't really feel much anymore. Honestly I'm just going through life as if it were a routine. And I've turned into much if a loner in a way. The thing us I think I'm content with being alone. My best friend of 7 years was not there for me during the break up and instead chose to busy herself with her boy friend. Even after confronting her she showed no remorse. That was 9 months ago. We don't talk or hang out much anymore since. I hang out a lot with my family now. They're the only ones I know I can trust. I have friends but I don't hang out with them. I guess I prefer to be alone perhaps bc of trust issues. I don't like getting close to new people either. In the end, they only stick around for a short time before u grow apart again. I just don't trust anyone anymore. I used to confide in my best friend we were inseparable like sisters, but it's lost now and I'm okay with it bc we gave grown apart. As for my ex, that was really rough. The way things ended. This past year has been rough .i just keep thinking that if I keep going it will somehow eventually get better..but I'm not sure if I'm moving on in the right way. This past year I got my heart broken by 2 people. Not just my ex boyfriend, but my best girl friend. I'm glad it's all done now. I'm glad the pain has finally eased. Now I'm just figuring out how to find joy again, seems impossible sometimes. 1
Ally1993 Posted April 6, 2014 Posted April 6, 2014 Broke down in tears tonight First time in a good few weeks. Six months since break up and Im still crying about it. How pathetic
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