JDPT Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Weird dream I had last night. I shouldn't care to invest the time at making sense of it but something subliminally indicates that perhaps I should. I was having sex with my ex but wasn't not interested in the least bit, neither was she. It was as if were just going through the motions of the act. I suppose the thought was triggered by me inadvertently thinking about her in bed with someone which I easily brushed off. I'm thinking this thought is nothing more than an affirmation. Telling me that I no longer have the desire or interest with her, even when it comes to sex. I feel ok about it. It didn't ruin my day but more along the lines of some food for thought.
lamis Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Not well. We are NC/broken up for a week and I asked her to block me on facebook, so I have been doing ok. But today I was missing her a lot and my twisted mind realized I could get a peek into her life by going to her Pinterest. Bad idea. She has posted pictures of herself recently and she looks so happy even though we broke our engagement I week ago. I know it is only a picture, and it doesn't tell the whole story about anything, but it is hard enough. If only there was some way to block myself from Pinterest/have her block me from Pinterest, because I know I'm going to want to keep going back just to get little peeks into the life of the woman I was with for three years and that I still love. Typically there won't be pictures of her, just little things she thinks are funny/wants to make, so I guess usually it won't be so bad..
AnyaNova Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 God I fraking hate this!!!! Ugghh!! I have to take all my stuff in a specific order. Which means I 'll be crashing until later this evening when I can get my slow mag in. And of course, today I find in another section a post that really really really sounds like my ex going on about his new relationship. And I know that if I wasn't crashing... 1) I would recognize the possibility, the very likely one that it is not him. 2) I wouldn't really care all that much save to wonder how in the heck I lost that particular race, but then I'd go about my day. 3) And even if he announced in the OP my name is _______ _____ _______ and I have this new relationship. I wouldn't care other than to be happy for him. But because everything is off. Because my mood is crap when my nutrition is off because of gluten. It feels horrible. And I feel like this pathetic loser who can't "get over him." It is so incredibly stupid. Last night after I got my second slow mag I was fine. I was great. So hopefully that pattern will repeat itself. But crap. Utter and complete and stupid crap I hate this. My brain refuses to admit the possibility that it isn't him. My brain seems to insist that it really must mean something terrible about me that he managed to find someone before I did. And I am just an idiot. At least for today. At least until my brain can breathe and function again. I'm a stupid pathetic idiot who can't get over her ex and even though I know that it is all nutritional. Even though I know my brain needs to come up with a reason why it feels bad and for some reason, not having enough nutrients/oxygenated red blood cells et cetera to keep it working well doesn't seem to be enough, it doesn't change the emotional reality that is now until I can get my nutritional levels up again. So I guess for now I am a stupid pathetic loser who can't get over her ex. I hope when my nutritional levels are back I can laugh about this post.
AnyaNova Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Enough of this stupid crap. I am going to go shower finally, I am going to get dressed, and find the nearest most available true friend to spend time with that I can. Because I am not going to sit here and obsess over someone who hasn't been anything even remotely resembling a true friend since September just because my idiotic brain can't differentiate between nutritional depletion and missing the freaking ex. 2
ChocolateBunny Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Still in a relationship... Will probably be breaking up with him soon. Haven't even started NC and it's already hard to cope. At least I know I'm not the only one going through this.
Ally1993 Posted March 21, 2014 Posted March 21, 2014 Life has pretty much returned to normal for me. But I still cannot bring myself to scroll down the list of messages on my phone and look at his. I can't bear to read the messages and photos we'd sent each other, with so much love and excitement, once upon a time. I can't believe we no longer talk. That's the thing that gets to me the most. How we were so in love, the way we spoke to each other with so much love and affection and at this moment, if he was standing right in front of me I literally wouldn't know what to say to him or act around him. It's so hard getting used to not having someone you was once in love with in your life. I have no idea what he's up to and he doesn't know what I'm up to either. I have so many exciting things to share with him but he'll never know and it hurts because we don't talk Sorry for the long reply, I've had a lot of time to think about the situation today
lilmiscassie92 Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 (edited) I haven't spoken to him in over a week and a half; however, I'm on spring break and have been in California the last week. I have to see him at work on Wednesday (-_-). I'm hoping I won't completely be a wreck after having to finally see him in person. Last time we saw each other was bad to the point where we can't even work together. For those of you who are interested on hearing what happened: We met about 7 months ago at the start of last semester. For whatever reason, I was immediately drawn to him. I was patient, accepting. I obviously fell for the wrong guy. I don't mean to stereotype, but he was a typical fraternity guy. The whole time we were together, he would tell his "best friend" - I say it in quote because she came to me saying how much she doesn't like him - how he didn't want a relationship and how him and I were "no big deal". I felt humiliated when she told me this in person. I guess she was just watching out for me. He finally told me a few weeks back that he just wanted to be single for "him", mind you this was during the time I was having a pregnancy scare. He didn't take it at all seriously and still blew me off. I was hysterical and so hormonal and crazy and upset. His "best friend" basically said he just wanted to sleep around. The trip to San Diego for a week was definitely distracting, I only talked about him a few times when my family asked, but I still saw him in my dreams.. I try not to think about how he is probably partying and sleeping with other girls right now, but it still hurts to get rejected. I never look down on people, but everyone says I was out of his league. He has no responsibilities and his parents pay for everything, his rent, etc. I worked hard as a first generation college student, scraping to get the education I want. What can you do though. I haven't been talking about him as much because what is there to say. I just kinda worry I'm going to have to hear him talking about girls and stuff since he's so loud and obnoxious in class. Edited March 22, 2014 by lilmiscassie92
NomiMalone Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 That's the thing that gets to me the most. How we were so in love, the way we spoke to each other with so much love and affection and at this moment, if he was standing right in front of me I literally wouldn't know what to say to him or act around him. It's so hard getting used to not having someone you was once in love with in your life. I have no idea what he's up to and he doesn't know what I'm up to either. I have so many exciting things to share with him but he'll never know and it hurts because we don't talk Sorry for the long reply, I've had a lot of time to think about the situation today I totally relate. I think of all the beautiful things he'd said to me and done for me, and all the promises he'd once made about the future, and wonder how he could just walk away from it all just like that. In fact, I'd been the cautious one out of the two of us, as he was not my usual "type", and it'd been his persistence, affection and commitment that had made me lower my guard and allow myself to fall for him. Now I wonder if all his words and gestures had meant nothing, and I wonder if he misses me, or even thinks of me at all. Although I feel ok now in general, maybe even back to how I was before I'd met him, part of it is still reeling from the break up. I'm still holding onto the hope that one day I'll wake up and find a text or email from him, even though it'll be far too late. I know it's easier said than done, but keep yourself as busy as possible (plan things with your girl friends, work out etc) so you'll have less time to dwell on him. It will get better... it always does
AnyaNova Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 Wow. So I hung out with my friend tonight. Had a really good tine until one final misunderstanding at the end that I kind of thought was going to ruin my night. But, instead of letting it. I came home, and carefully wrote something to explain how I felt about it, and sent it. We talked about it and both understood each others' perspective on it and completely cleared the air. My mood is still really labile from the #)#*#^(#_# nutritional issues. But I am very glad the air is cleared. And I know I will get through this. And I darn well know that something is going to have to give. This nutritional house of cards game is getting very, very decidedly old. It is a lot better (as evidenced by my hair growing back, actually having lips etc) but I would like to never experience a crash again, or if I have to, maybe only like once a freaking year. But it is better. And, you know, kickboxing. 1
Ally1993 Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 I totally relate. I think of all the beautiful things he'd said to me and done for me, and all the promises he'd once made about the future, and wonder how he could just walk away from it all just like that. In fact, I'd been the cautious one out of the two of us, as he was not my usual "type", and it'd been his persistence, affection and commitment that had made me lower my guard and allow myself to fall for him. Now I wonder if all his words and gestures had meant nothing, and I wonder if he misses me, or even thinks of me at all. Although I feel ok now in general, maybe even back to how I was before I'd met him, part of it is still reeling from the break up. I'm still holding onto the hope that one day I'll wake up and find a text or email from him, even though it'll be far too late. I know it's easier said than done, but keep yourself as busy as possible (plan things with your girl friends, work out etc) so you'll have less time to dwell on him. It will get better... it always does Yeah I think the same thing. With my ex he doesn't express his feelings to anyway, he classes himself as 'emotionally stunted' he was only beginning to open himself up to me about his feelings before we broke up. I just wonder how he's coping cos there is no one else he could talk to. Whenever I see him (which is a lot cos we work so close) he's not himself, he looks miserable but whenever I question him about it he acts like everything's fine :/ It's been almost six months since the break up and it's slowly getting better, I've joined the gym, brought myself a brand new car and my friends are being so supportive. Just sucks knowing I'm not good enough for someone I love. I'd do anything for him.
Ally1993 Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 I just want to be the confident woman I was before I met him! This breakup has changed me so much!
JDPT Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 It's a great day today. I'm moving along, taking charge of my life and breathing again. 2
AnyaNova Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 It's a great day today. I'm moving along, taking charge of my life and breathing again. Apologies. I meant to comment on the post you had with that dream and then went to crashland. I'm glad you have reached that point with your ex, and the lesson that the dream taught you. I am hoping something gives so that if and when I do nutritionally crash, I get morose about something other than my ex because that is getting seriously old, and when my brain chemicals are all in line or even close, my ex just doesn't factor at all. So how long is it going to be until you have full use of your legs and can go back to working out again? If you're looking for a good workout and haven't tried it (when you can) I highly recommend kickboxing. It is so much fun it is not even funny. 1
3j15 Posted March 22, 2014 Posted March 22, 2014 Yesterday was my B day, but more importantly it should have been our anniversary. I made it!! Last night was a big test for me... it's only been 2 days since we ended it.... but I was super drunk last night, and I was about to call you at 5 in the morning. I am so glad I didnt, because the things I would have said to you I definitely wouldnt be able to take back. Wont lie today still sucks... beginning of NC is definitely the hardest..... Just need to stay busy
JDPT Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Apologies. I meant to comment on the post you had with that dream and then went to crashland. I'm glad you have reached that point with your ex, and the lesson that the dream taught you. I am hoping something gives so that if and when I do nutritionally crash, I get morose about something other than my ex because that is getting seriously old, and when my brain chemicals are all in line or even close, my ex just doesn't factor at all. So how long is it going to be until you have full use of your legs and can go back to working out again? If you're looking for a good workout and haven't tried it (when you can) I highly recommend kickboxing. It is so much fun it is not even funny. What can I say.... So many wonderful things are simultaneously occurring to me at this point in my life. Maybe that's why I haven't posted as often as I have in the past, however, I can't forget where I came from and the place that helped me through some of the hardest moments in my life. For the first time in my life I feel that I'm in this place of peacefulness and happiness. My family, therapist and you guys have been a tremendous and imperative part of my healing process. I'm nowhere near there yet, however, I strive for greatness day in and day out and live MY life once again. This time around I AM in charge, I make my own decisions and no longer live through someone else's dreams or aspirations, I now live MY OWN. I'm not certain how to label this but something is changing in my internally and this change is for the best. I'm a 32 year old man I'm no longer a kid, although I would like to still be one but it's time to evolve and make changes and adjustments for my own good. I feel great. I'll like to take advantage of this positive momentum and make the best of it, make the best out of all the adversity I dealt with in the past and learn from it and make better decisions in the future. I've weathered the weather and feel at peace now. And to be honest I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Although there were times of excruciating pain, times when I thought I was in this abyss of agony and almost believe that my live will be nothing more than that. But there is sunshine, there is a new day and all we can do is TRY our best, nothing is or will be perfect but we continue to propel ourselves forward day in and day out. I have my third follow up appointment with the doc this coming Tuesday. The doc believes I'm quiet ready for therapy but we will see. I feel stronger, much stronger but not quiet there yet. I don't want to exert myself in any way. I'll like to make a full recovery and get back to business! I need to schedule a quick vacation before I start a new job next month which I'm so excited about. Anya, be strong, we've been there before. We know how painful it is but as you know we are the only ones who remain and nothing remains stagnant, absolutely nothing. Take charge of your life and say to yourself that you've had enough, and that you want to live, and that you want to breathe again. You deserve it, you've earned it, take it! 3
Ally1993 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 Just really want to hear from him. Missing him so much lately
redbaron005 Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 I will not check my ex's social media. I will not check my ex's social media. I will not check my ex's social media. I will not check my ex's social media. I will not check my ex's social media. I will not check my ex's social media. I will not check my ex's social media. I will not check my ex's social media. I will not check my ex's social media. I will not check my ex's social media. I will not check my ex's social media. augh... 5
AnyaNova Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 What can I say.... So many wonderful things are simultaneously occurring to me at this point in my life. Maybe that's why I haven't posted as often as I have in the past, however, I can't forget where I came from and the place that helped me through some of the hardest moments in my life. For the first time in my life I feel that I'm in this place of peacefulness and happiness. My family, therapist and you guys have been a tremendous and imperative part of my healing process. I'm nowhere near there yet, however, I strive for greatness day in and day out and live MY life once again. This time around I AM in charge, I make my own decisions and no longer live through someone else's dreams or aspirations, I now live MY OWN. I'm not certain how to label this but something is changing in my internally and this change is for the best. I'm a 32 year old man I'm no longer a kid, although I would like to still be one but it's time to evolve and make changes and adjustments for my own good. I feel great. I'll like to take advantage of this positive momentum and make the best of it, make the best out of all the adversity I dealt with in the past and learn from it and make better decisions in the future. I've weathered the weather and feel at peace now. And to be honest I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. Although there were times of excruciating pain, times when I thought I was in this abyss of agony and almost believe that my live will be nothing more than that. But there is sunshine, there is a new day and all we can do is TRY our best, nothing is or will be perfect but we continue to propel ourselves forward day in and day out. I have my third follow up appointment with the doc this coming Tuesday. The doc believes I'm quiet ready for therapy but we will see. I feel stronger, much stronger but not quiet there yet. I don't want to exert myself in any way. I'll like to make a full recovery and get back to business! I need to schedule a quick vacation before I start a new job next month which I'm so excited about. Anya, be strong, we've been there before. We know how painful it is but as you know we are the only ones who remain and nothing remains stagnant, absolutely nothing. Take charge of your life and say to yourself that you've had enough, and that you want to live, and that you want to breathe again. You deserve it, you've earned it, take it! Good luck with the new job! And I hope you are ready to begin some physical therapy, that would be really cool for you. It is tricky though, finding the balance. Too much self-protection doesn't work either. 'We are the only ones who remain' I like this. I do want to live, I've had enough, and I definitely want to breathe. Ya know, maybe when I feel bad I should do an active search for other things to feel badly about, maybe pick up "The Resignation of Eve" or something. I really think I am making the litany against fear my new resolution. "I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past me I will turn to see fears path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing......Only I will remain." [sIZE=2]‡[/sIZE] 1
Weallwalkthelongroad Posted March 23, 2014 Posted March 23, 2014 After seeing the ex at her mom's house which is two buildings down from mine, I realized I didn't really have any feelings at all. Sure, I do miss her from time to time...but I always remember how poorly she treated me at the end and it helps me to realize the BU was a good thing for me. It's allowed me to start at least talking to new girls and trying to find what my ex was so clearly lacking...communication, honesty, and openness. 2
uku383 Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 My Grandma died today. My wife called me this afternoon and asked if I'd spoken to my dad. First thing I said was 'how did you know'. Great. I'm an idiot. Getting aggressive just because I know that she's talked with my brother and my dad in the past and they've all kept it quiet from me. Damn my paranoia. All I want to do is talk to her and hold her. I really hate me at the moment. I soooo want to talk with her.
Snow101 Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 Warning: Self-pity dripping rant ahead, read at your own risk! I'm so sick of being me. I want to wake up and be a new person with no past, no hurts, and no scars. But I can't do it, and I want to punch people that make it sound easy and say cheerful things like "Oh everything is going to be okay, just let it go and start from scratch! Yay!" Seriously ! I'm so sick of the daily grind of thoughts.... She's never going to answer any of the burning questions I have for her. She doesn't love me. She's going to be with someone else. Love someone else, screw someone else, be happy with someone else. Everything she said she wanted for/with/to do for me and with me, and never really did, shes going to give all that to some *******. She doesn't care that I'm hurting. She seemingly thinks that doing or saying anything at all is too much hassle for her. She won't even lift a finger to answer the questions that may well haunt me for the rest of my life. I'm not worth 30 minutes of her time to possibly improve my life forever? How can someone sit there and be so merciless? I can't fathom ever being able to do it myself. I know I shouldn't be jaded and bitter and give up but she is really the last straw. All my life, so many relationships were the same old story- me loving them with all my heart,and them ending up feeling blah towards me. And leaving. There must be something about me that no woman could ever love. Despite me supposedly being fairly hot, being smart, being decent, being good, being trustworthy, being financially together,the proof is in the results in that none of them ever wants to have a great romance with me. Nobody knows my pains or the incredibly loneliness I feel. I've really fallen out of love with life and honestly the way I'm living now I'm just marking time till I die. Nothing I used to enjoy seems fun anymore. How do I fall back in love with life and start to enjoy myself? 1
Hoaks Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 Feeling very crappy today, only day 2 of NC. After giving it another go with me ex, moving in for a month. She goes to help her mum on the weekend and breaks up with me over text. She wants to be friends, wants me in her life but I can't do that. I already miss her and our animals. The whole thing sucks and I'm so sick of this constant hurt feeling every month I get being with her.
Ally1993 Posted March 24, 2014 Posted March 24, 2014 Bad day again today Just don't understand how everything is so easy for him and how he is living life fine without me yet here I am almost six months down the line still pining? However everyone thinks he's not doing well cos he always looks miserable and looks like he hardly sleeps but even so why can't he tell me how he's feeling? Ahhh I wish I didn't care and I wish I didn't love him! I wish I stop having this gut feeling that he's going to come back cos he isn't. He would of done by now
AnyaNova Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 Headache on the day my trainer decides to massively bump up the exertion level. Four of the first set. Three of each of the remaining sets, including the growler (I think that's what you call it?). Big thing you have to push or drag with a ton of weight on it?
redbaron005 Posted March 25, 2014 Posted March 25, 2014 My Grandma died today. My deepest condolences uku.
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