Khyla Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 the past day was one of those days I'm glad are only few and far between now. Crying for an hour straight without hardly being able to breathe ... (the headcold didnt help) just feeling overwhelmed and sorry for myself; I hate that, missing him terribly, wondering why he had to die on me... I'll think it was all such sillyness tomorrow, I hope...
AnyaNova Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 What a day, I'm beyond exhausted. Last night was great for me. Classes were fantastic, and I was making some pretty good connections and asking interesting questions even without my ADD meds. Went to my evening personal training session. Had a freaking blast! Discovered I love sprinting! I want to do more of it. I want to get faster at it. Beckpedaling not so much. Apparently we have started something called, "suicide" burnouts at the end of my workout. Sprinting is wonderful! I want to get good at it. I thought when I came in that I wanted to get in shape enough to do long distance running and marathons, but I love just breaking out and going as fast as I possibly can for as long as I can and feeling so much lighter and like I'm free from gravity for just a few. I want more of that! A whole lot more. And then I got a virus (its official-chills and all, and I might have technically had it since Monday) and feel nasty today. Boxing class is unfortunately, out for tonight, but I made myself feel better by already signing up for Tuesday's and Thursday's of next week. But what I really want to be doing is out on some path in this sunny weather testing and playing with this sprinting thing, maybe some walk, jog, sprints or something. As long as the weather permits, there is the weekend. I hope it was a great exhausting day for you. Movie comments coming in a bit. 2
AnyaNova Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 I decided to go ahead and get out of the house for a little bit. (turned out to be much longer). I am so glad I did. *trying to restrain myself from wriggling like a happy little puppy and not really succeeding very well* Good times! Good times! 2
CapturedMemories Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 So far things have been going good I suppose. I'm trying to appreciate little things I got left such as the nice yay early spring weather we got over here . Nearly 2 months of NC with one reminder coming from him about 2-3 wks ago with the interfering new hateful spouse. Woahh ever since then silence, me vs. them. I think ./flex-muscles is the right thing to say now. Some days go by better than others, mornings I wake up thinking my goodness, another one to go. It seems I'm slowly passing the beyond-hating stage turning into thoughts if I was to meet him randomly I'd think wow where did I go wrong?? Not sure if that's still hate but to me it's more of a subtle despise, honestly I'm glad he found someone else and hope he'll be happy, I'm glad the burden is off my shoulder. xx
uku383 Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 I've just finished the first of six weeks work. It's disappointing to think that I'll be unemployed after this, but for now work mostly keeps my mind off my wife. I have to get up early and don't get home until late, so I'm quite exhausted by the end of the day. Sleep seems to come easily enough. I feel so frustrated that there's nothing I can do about my marriage though. I so want to make it better, but that seems impossible since she's told me point-blank that she doesn't love me. I miss her and my son, but for now I have to get some sleep.
uku383 Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 How did my life get to this? I had a family. Now I see my son when I can and when I can negotiate. I'm a part time dad. I want to see him every night, to read him books and play with him. I can't do that. My wife comments to me occasionally how she doesn't want to work too much because she doesn't want to miss his childhood. She works four days a week, mostly from home. No commute, flexible hours. She sees him every day. We never really had couple's counselling. One session. That's not enough. She tells me that she doesn't love me. Honestly, how can a relationship recover from that? It can't. She has to be willing to try again, and there is no incentive for her to do that. She earns lots of money, so she doesn't need me. She has her family support network and friends. She has our son. She doesn't need me. As she doesn't want me the only possible reason that she might consider working on things is our son, and it seems that she's already made that decision. I feel alone. I feel scared. I hate my life like you wouldn't believe. I'm a good guy. I really am. I've had my moments. I've been rude and moody, but that's really not me. That's my illness, and I'm trying so hard to fix that. God, please hear me. I love her and I want to change for the better. I want to be happy, loving and loved. I believe that I can be a good husband and father. I will do what's needed, but I need a chance. Please show my wife that there is the potential for us to grow old together as we'd planned. Please let us be together and grow together. Please let us be a family for our son. I don't wan to be alone any more. I just want to be a family man. That's my dream.
uku383 Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 So I went to collect my son. I had to see my wife but tried to direct all of my attention to my son - I tried to put her out of my mind. Of course, this just meant that I came across as brusque and rude. I just can't win here.
iouaname Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 I'm doing very well on my own as of late. School has been going really well, my social life has been the best that it's ever been and I've been very pleased with the results I'm seeing when it comes to my workouts. The improvements have been great (can't wait for bathing suit season! ). I'm in a very good place when it comes to my life, and I've learned to appreciate that good place so much more because of the bad times that I've had. When it comes to dating... things get murky. I don't know that I'm truly over my ex, and I don't know that I'm in the right kind of head-space for it. I still compare guys to him and I find that I don't give many guys a chance. A part of me wonders if maybe it's just RIGHT for me to be single? I mean - I'm happy, I'm strong, I'm healthy... do I really want to muddy it all up with a relationship again? I do miss having someone to depend on, but that was also sort of what got me into this mess. Maybe I'm just better off only depending on myself? 2
freebird31 Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 Idk how I'm going to get through this. It's almost a year now and I still carry this void <\3 I Grieve. I am so sad I cannot be friends with u:( I wish I could . I wish I could be content with having at least part of u. But it's not that easy. I deeply miss u. Your presence. Your dorky laugh. Dorky jokes. People would tease u because u were sort of ditsy for a guy. And u kind of were haha. But only I knew how truly smart u were. And sweet. I know your heart and how warm of a person u are idk how I can get through not being able to be with you. Tell me how. Bc sometimes I just can't do this 1
mangetout Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 So many broken hearts on here. And I am one of them. Day 3 of NC and it feels like 3 years for me. God I hope this gets better...
Saurren Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 I want to make myself cry, but I just can't do it. I'm hurting, but not a single tear falls from my eyes. Maybe I am really at the point where I will let go of you and it feels worst than when I didn't want to let go. 1
JDPT Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 I want to make myself cry, but I just can't do it. I'm hurting, but not a single tear falls from my eyes. Maybe I am really at the point where I will let go of you and it feels worst than when I didn't want to let go. Oh you eventually will and it will come down pouring like the Niagara falls. It will however be so cathartic and soothing to your soul. You will definitely learn to appreciate. It really is cleansing. 1
Itspointless Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 After my mother died one-and-a-half decade ago due to a severe illness when I was an adolescent, I was very depressed. The years after I almost couldn't reach my tears. Now I am cut off by my ldr who became medically ill and consequently pushed me away. The last few months the tears are more present then I am used to. It is not the first time I am cut off out of the blue, and once again it is hard to cope with the feeling being abandoned. Edit:a coincidence that I post something about crying.
mus Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 Though we never fully got into a relationship, we were so close and it really meant something to me. How she just ended it like that and erased me from her life really hurt. Re-reading that note that she wrote always gets me sad, she wrote that she is undeserving of such kindness from me and that i deserve so much more then she can give to me. Perhaps it is the self-fulfilling prophecy at its best. She treated me like crap, she took more then she gave and the sex wasn't that great either. I really shouldn't but today i miss her more then ever. Perhaps this is just the loneliness talking. The anger has subsided for now and i just wonder how she's doing with school and her life hoping that everything's fine and it still pains me to see her in pictures with the guy she got together with after breaking things off with me. May this bout of panging for her subside soon.
MajorOak Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 I'm in so much pain right now, I don't see anyway out.My world is shattered.
sybo24 Posted March 8, 2014 Posted March 8, 2014 I should be used to it by now. 4 years and have split up 5 times. He was married man. NC for 6 weeks now. I was fine at the start, it was my decision this time, but now feeling ****ty. Realising that I probably wasn't that important to him as he hasn't made any attempt to contact me. He finally split with his wife in Aug year but his children don't speak to him and this was killing him. I knew that whilst I was in his life his children wouldn't be and ended things. I wish we stayed together and tried a little hard but reality was I was trying and he was just thinking of himself. I feel alone and empty without him!
NomiMalone Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 Friday was the day the emotional impact of what had happened finally hit me. I woke up feeling heartbroken, abandoned and empty. For the first time since he vanished from my life, I couldn't muster the will to get out and exercise, and gave into checking my phone obsessively in desperate hope of a message from him. I guess I'd simply been going through the denial phase previously, and now I'm moving onto the phase of acceptance, and it hurts like hell. The amazing man I'd hoped to marry, and the future he'd promised so sincerely and unequivocally, has just disappeared without warning or reason, and all this is too painful to describe. I tell myself that anyone going through this would be feeling just as colossally ****ed over and crappy as I do now, and that I should be easier on myself. It's perfectly normal to be feeling depressed and unmotivated right now, and I should be proud of myself for even getting my ass to work everyday, for having made an appointment to see a therapist, and for looking after myself. It doesn't help that other areas of my life are also crap (major issues at work and at home currently). Today what I'd like to know, is what you tell your family and friends when they ask about me. Do you tell them the truth - that you've simply faded out of my life like a coward? Or do you omit that part? Thank goodness I've not given in to contacting him, that I've not asked him why, not said goodbye, not even an "are you ok?", not a peep. Thank goodness for NC... the one thing that's saved me in all of this (and Loveshack of course, so two!) 1
uku383 Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 Not too bad a day. Keeping busy really helps. My future challenge will be to force myself to do things. She's still so set on divorce. Grrr... I wish that I could talk to her about all of this. I wish that I could get her to change her mind. Please Beautiful, let us have one last chance. I wish that I wasn't alone.
NomiMalone Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 This evening I treated myself to my favourite take out, and bought my favorite junk food from the supermarket. Then I went for a long walk to the beach with one of my best friends. I think I'm gonna be ok 2
somecamel Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 Was up at 6am this morning and out the door with my son and dog for a nice walk along the seafront. Beautiful weather today at last. She's still on my mind but only 2 days proper Nc so far.
Weallwalkthelongroad Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 Feeling good today. Went on a date last night and some conversation with a new girl. Not sure if anything will come of it but it was nice to get myself back out there and talk to someone different. If nothing comes of it, I'm ok with it. I know I'm a good guy and have a lot to offer. It's all state of mind. 2
Saurren Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 Worst morning by far since NC the last 2 weeks. Almost broke last night too and asked her what she was doing. Keep telling myself my heart cant take anymore hurt if I contact her.
MajorOak Posted March 9, 2014 Posted March 9, 2014 Another real bad day, S word is now starting to creep its way in.
AnyaNova Posted March 10, 2014 Posted March 10, 2014 Doing so beautifully. Had an awesome time hanging with the campus church peeps. Getting homework done. Reading. Snuggling with kitty. So went to the park today. And all of this wonderfulness even though I contacted my ex one last time with an offer of friendship. So far he hasn't responded, but he hasn't rejected either so far as I know. It is truly ok either way. I have friends. It would be nice to have him too as a friend. But ultimately ok if he chooses not to. I'm too busy enjoying life wih enough brain chemicals and vitamins! :-) 3
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