Weallwalkthelongroad Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I'm just going to bed early to get a good night sleep. If and when I get some good sleep, its about the only time she is not on my mind. Plus I know I can't break NC unless I start sleep texting. 2
AnyaNova Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Yes I think you'll like it, specially the ending. As an avid horror film viewer, I wouldn't label this movie anywhere near horror, possibly a bit of suspense here and there, but pretty decent movie nonetheless. I think I did like it. I wouldn't say I loved it. But I think that the visuals were really good, the soundscape was excellent, in that I don't think there was anything extraneous. I thought that the movie did a really good job in terms of dialogue and sounds and just everything, of not going overboard or using too much. Often just letting a few sounds and a few words and the acting and the visuals carry the suspense. Kind of like those really creepy moments in 2001. I'm assuming your allusion to standing up and fighting for yourself because no one else will (can't remember what you said exactly) has more to do with the couple fighting their way out, rather than her decision. This was a very difficult one to watch, though, given the death of my friend (reverse the genders in terms of who pulled the trigger and yeah). But it also challenged me. As much as I wanted to bloody hate her (and as much as, even though I never had a chance to meet him, I have spent a good deal of time utterly loathing him for what he did), I couldn't completely. And it did make me think. It was so easy to villainize him. But we have no idea what might have been going on, and as much as I want to judge him, there is a higher power that makes it clear that it is not for me to do. And in regards to this other thing, though I will not wallow or magnify, it struck me what you said about feeling and being allowed to feel. So often I do try and minimize what I am going through. I think if this hurts me more than it might hurt someone else, so be it. It doesn't make me less healthy or cool or whatever. It just makes me, me. It's my party and I'll cry if I need to (but I won't be playing that song!), but only for as long as I need to and no more. And I'll survive it. Maybe I can imagine the dude cracking his knuckles all the time (hate that noise!) or loving to run his fingernails down chalkboards, or wanting to eat sauerkraut all the time and then kiss or whatever things that would really turn me off. And heck, there is a whole new smorgasboard at the gym . Figure I'll start up with some boxing classes (primarily for the exercise of course!), I mean, if I can attract an early 20's intelligent musclebound dude, I think my dating pool probably is at least a little wider than I gave it credit for! Though I don't intend on having stripes or spots or fur anytime soon, if you get my drift!
Under The Radar Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I'm hoping you attract an intelligent muscle bound dude in his 30's. Might I suggest executing your glute bridges near the bench press uprights. If that doesn't get his attention then he's studying to become a monk. BTW, cougars are an endangered species at the gym ...... especially ones with an IQ as high as yours. Go get em tiger ...... uh, I mean educated feline . 2
BC1980 Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I recall the very last emails my ex an I exchanged she wrote something along the lines of, "although I wanted you to be my knight in shinning armor, our story did not have a happy ending and I still want to find life long love...." I said to myself, "well that was quick..." lol Hey we live and learn, that's all we can do at this point. I'm past the point of formulating fictitious scenarios in my head. And even if those fictitious scenarios were true, what can I honestly do about them? NOTHING but move forward with my life and make this experience work in my favor. Mine said, "I really wanted it to work. I really tried." WTH? Just tell me you hate me. I'd have taken that better.
AnyaNova Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I'm hoping you attract an intelligent muscle bound dude in his 30's. Might I suggest executing your glute bridges near the bench press uprights. If that doesn't get his attention then he's studying to become a monk. BTW, cougars are an endangered species at the gym ...... especially ones with an IQ as high as yours. Go get em tiger ...... uh, I mean educated feline . Yeah. I'm hoping too. There's a corner where people usually do those, and its not near the bench press uprights. Although, for ease's sake one could just use the bench that they just did their (shoot, can't remember the name of it, rotator something other?) and use that for the bridge... I don't think there are too many monk applicants at this particular gym. I have noticed that when its time for the bridges or supermans in particular, guys find a way to wander by, very deliberately being very non-deliberate (you really can tell the difference, its funny). Ok. As much as the guys on Okupid would seem to want me to be, I am NOT a cougar. I don't have stripes, spots, fur, or a particular penchant for leopard print!
Xemyd Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 He hasn't been home for a few days, I wonder what he's up to.
JDPT Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Pep talk of the day Live your happiest life by accepting that some people can only be in your life as lessons and/or memories. 2
JDPT Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 He hasn't been home for a few days, I wonder what he's up to. It doesn't matter what he is/isn't doing. He is now a thing of the past. 1
BC1980 Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 It doesn't matter what he is/isn't doing. He is now a thing of the past. The constant ruminating will lead to trouble. It's a slippery slope. 3
Never Again Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Mine said, "I really wanted it to work. I really tried." WTH? Just tell me you hate me. I'd have taken that better. I'll never understand the attempts at positive endings. I don't need the "I hate you", but don't wrap me in bubble wrap. You're already breaking my heart, so there's no protecting my feelings now. The "I wanted X, I still want X, BUUUUUT..." No "buts". You either want it or you don't. If you're not "feeling it", but you want it, then communicate and work for it. If you don't want it, then just admit it and move along. 3
lakerman34 Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I would like to upgrade to 99% over her. I still think about her from time to time, and I still wonder "hmmm.....maybe in the future," but the sadness and feeling of rejection is gone. I still check her Twitter and, sometimes, her Facebook and Tumblr accounts, but overall, I'm not too interested in what I find. They are windows into my past. Things that I would think were funny that she writes when I liked her are now boring and make no sense. There is a new girl. Admittedly, I am not interested in her for a relationship, but we're having fun. Tonight we are cooking ribs together. Sex may happen, I don't know, I'm not too worried about it. If it gets too friend-y, I'm going to drop her though. I don't really have time for more female friends. 1
AnyaNova Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Last night turned out to be pretty good. Woke up feeling crappy again, but got myself to class and I'm glad I did. The emotional hit of the thing apparently knocked off the nutritional balance. When the balance is right (like last night), I am far more interested in flirting around, and seeing what my options truly are than moping about what will never, could never, and should never be. And just like to get over the whole Tim thing, I had to stop thinking about the way he felt, and his pain that night. With this, those things that I think really do signify that we would be good together, I just have to stop thinking about altogether. And let's be honest. Handsome musclebound dude is probably doing a ton of dating to get his mind off of it. And probably his mind has been off of it pretty much since he knew. If I weren't shyer than heck, it is what I would be doing. I guess my equivalent is the boxing classes I'm taking up. And what point is there? No amount of mental exercise on my part is going to change either of our ages, either of our aversion to dating someone with that far of an age gap, and so what point is there in so pining? None whatsoever. Okay. I guess I got my clarity this morning. JDPT-- would be interested in your thoughts on how you see Static relating to self-advocacy and protection, I guess ( still can't remember exactly how you worded that). I guess team TiBially Deficient is back up and running. 1
tinagrah Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 This thread serves like a diary for you all to pen how you are feeling and get support from each other. It's been 3 days since I saw him at a bar, he was so mean to me and I think I've slept a total of 7 hours since then, I'm a wreck
lakerman34 Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 (edited) Last night turned out to be pretty good. Woke up feeling crappy again, but got myself to class and I'm glad I did. The emotional hit of the thing apparently knocked off the nutritional balance. When the balance is right (like last night), I am far more interested in flirting around, and seeing what my options truly are than moping about what will never, could never, and should never be. And just like to get over the whole Tim thing, I had to stop thinking about the way he felt, and his pain that night. With this, those things that I think really do signify that we would be good together, I just have to stop thinking about altogether. And let's be honest. Handsome musclebound dude is probably doing a ton of dating to get his mind off of it. And probably his mind has been off of it pretty much since he knew. If I weren't shyer than heck, it is what I would be doing. I guess my equivalent is the boxing classes I'm taking up. And what point is there? No amount of mental exercise on my part is going to change either of our ages, either of our aversion to dating someone with that far of an age gap, and so what point is there in so pining? None whatsoever. Okay. I guess I got my clarity this morning. JDPT-- would be interested in your thoughts on how you see Static relating to self-advocacy and protection, I guess ( still can't remember exactly how you worded that). I guess team TiBially Deficient is back up and running. Interesting you say that. One of the hardest things for my breakup with my ex was that before me, she was living a very unhealthy lifestyle, and I sort of put her back in the swing of things. I HATED seeing her default back to the way she was post-breakup, and I was CONSTANTLY worrying about her. It's kind of like seeing a project that was going so well that you were so passionate about crashing and burning. Also age does, indeed, play a HUGE part in compatibility. My ex was 18 and I was 21. The girl I chased was 21 and I was 23. In these years (18-25), each numeric year is, like, 3 "maturity" years. The 21 year old was pretty mature, but she was VERY emotionally and relationship immature (and I think that's why she didn't want to date me, a guy that was pretty perfect for her, but she didn't feel "butterflies," so just to go out for a night on an actual date was too much for her). It sucks, but age is a HUGE factor, unfortunately. Ah well. But, in a breakup, you should worry solely about you and your needs. Not his (or, in my case, hers). Ace your exams, find a hobby and excel in it, workout like a fiend and became so sexy that guys can't resist you. THAT'S the sweetest revenge. Becoming so good that your ex is no longer in your league. Also, I learned with my ex to sort of appreciate life more. She had a "party" mentality where I had a "work hard" mentality. I learned to take it easy. I celebrate even the small things now (SCORED A JOB INTERVIEW! THAT MEANS I'M TREATING MYSELF TO A STEAK DINNER TONIGHT!) All of this, of course, is about my actual ex (broke up October 6, 2012). My current "ex" isn't really my ex (didn't date, chased her for 14 months), but I'm getting over that as well. Currently at 99%. Edited March 4, 2014 by lakerman34 1
Weallwalkthelongroad Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 I was having a difficult day at work today. I couldn't concentrate and had trouble paying attention...and caught myself talking to myself numerous times. Mostly stuff about things I wanted to say to the ex. I started to type an email to her but then thought better of it. I ended up sending an email to one of my best friends just to vent and get some things off my chest. I've done that a few times and each time he has responded back to me with words of encouragement. All I can say is thank god for good friends!
Weallwalkthelongroad Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 No "buts". You either want it or you don't. If you're not "feeling it", but you want it, then communicate and work for it. If you don't want it, then just admit it and move along. This is exactly what I wanted. I waited for a month and a half for it and still didn't get it.
NomiMalone Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 2 steps back today. Woke up feeling his absence, which was confirmed when I grabbed my phone to check for his messages and found none. I want to hear from him so badly, even though any attempts at contact on his part would be far too late.
JDPT Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 I swear the weirdest things happen to me. I just got back from the doc's office. There were two girls calling people in to go over their chart and ask what is wrong with them blah blah blah... So I go in and it's time to jump on the scale, so I oblige. The girl comes around me and literally presses her breasts against my arm so hard as she is moving the weights around to get my accurate weight. I'm thinking at this point "wth?? doesn't she notice her breasts are pushed so hard against me?" of course I think nothing of it and go about my business. At the end as I'm ready to leave, the other girl who I would consider cute asks me to follow her to a room so she can "help" me feel out a form that essentially asks for my name, address, and emergency contact. So we chit chat I'm trying to be as friendly as I can, remember I feel like a robot at times I just do, almost as if I'm programed to do certain things when placed in certain settings. Like oh, this is what I'm supposed to be doing now. She comes across as very interested, gives me so many hints, but still, I feel as if there is this wall in front of me at all times. We do a little flirting but I still feel like a robot. However, I like to be very observant and she appears to be having a great time talking to me about random stuff. So I get up ready to leave, I really didn't want to get her number but again, I feel programmed and feels as if that's what I should be doing although deep inside I feel like just saying to her "ok great, thank you for your time and have a good night..." so as I get up she says to me "I hope to see you soon..." So that's when I said "well we can keep in touch, I can call you some time" and she quickly grabbed a piece of paper and gave me her number. Any other time I would have been doing back flips but right now I feel as Meh big deal. She is cute don't get me wrong, I just don't know what it is I'm looking or perhaps not looking for. Yesterday, I reconnected with another woman who I used to work with and really liked me, I asked her for her number to keep in touch and she gave it to me, after giving me a very friendly hug and kiss, again didn't feel any excitement whatsoever. I feel like a robot that's programmed to do things, no feeling at all, and as stated, my heart nowadays is too cold. That's it, that was my outing at the doctor's office today lol. 1
JDPT Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 JDPT-- would be interested in your thoughts on how you see Static relating to self-advocacy and protection, I guess ( still can't remember exactly how you worded that). I guess team TiBially Deficient is back up and running. Yes team TBD is back in business! With regards to the movie, I recall a scene where Jonathan and Addie are alone in the garage hiding from the perpetrators and he says to her something along the lines of "I want us back, I want our family back!" Regardless of them living a fantasy and refusing to let go of the past, hence why Jonathan looks puzzled when he sees the for sale sign on his front lawn, he still protects Addie as they believe they are living a normal life. The acceptance doesn't come until the end, when Addie discloses to Jonathan what occurred, what she did, and asks for forgiveness. The correlations with what I said the other night and what they experienced, the fear, anxiety, and pressure by those instructors brought them to that disturbed stated of mine they were once in when they experienced their child's death. This would be the equivalent of the time when our exes decided to let us go, you can almost consider it is as a traumatic experience. So, when I was in pain a few nights ago, that brought me back to a place I haven't visited in a long time. I put my mind and body through a lot, I got a taste of what pain felt like once again to know and accept that I no longer want to be there, and that I need to accept and continue on with my life as I have been. 1
AnyaNova Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 (edited) Just got back from my first boxing class. I will never, no, I will so I will rephrase that, I should never jokingly accuse my personal trainer of trying to kill me again. Boxing class, on the other hand??? (Actually they were very understanding, told me to do what I could, but not to get to the point of passing out or puking, which I very nearly did the former while trying to stand up after doing the sit ups/1 2 punch thing. :-) But it was definitely worth it. It was hell and it was embarrassing how many times I had to stop, but it was SO worth it!!! I am in love with boxing class. If you can't tell, I'm really having a great night tonight. After a really hard workout, my brain goes to absolute unfocused crud, so I won't reply to the movie stuff until the morning, I think when my brain is back. Edited March 5, 2014 by AnyaNova 2
Itspointless Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 I am feeling better, but I am definitely nog there yet. The very few moments she reached out were confusing at best, especially the last time when she said she did not hear from me for a long time. It is hard to see that someone is everything you searched for (more then three decades) but with additions I did not ask for; problems that make her push and pull. She really hurt me pushing me away and turning silent. We had discussed the possibility of her situation, but she did not consider me at all when the moment came. It came to soon. I guess her promise to her mother when she was visiting them also played a big role. It gave a promise to have parents for the first time of her life. That is something I can not win from. Sucks.
uku383 Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 I feel exhausted. I'm missing my family. Still, the exhaustion is good because I'm less likely to think about my family. However, I've been having lots of thoughts about lovely things I'd like to do with my wife and son. Things I will never be able to do now. Sad.
nohardfelines Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 Still grabbing the phone everytime I wake up, hoping for a text from her. Something along the lines of 'can we talk?' or 'let's reconsider this...' Still getting struck at odd moments with thoughts of her with another man, still crushes me just as hard as it did the first time. Paralyzes me instantly. Still so hopeful that this is temporary, even though I know what a terrible idea it would be to keep beating this particular dead horse. Still telling myself, 'get yourself to the gym, clean something, do something.,' still sitting on the couch instead, or worse, looking at old photos. I know that i'm depressed, all the signs are there and I know in my head how to combat them, I just can't seem to find the initiative. Almost like i'm enjoying the pain. Signed up for okcupid, not out of any real interest in dating someone, but to see whats out there. I just end up comparing everyone to her. I'm maybe 2 or 3% of the way through this. I realize how nice my life has been up til now, that i've been spared this kind of pain until 32. I've been the one to end every relationship i've ever been in, that makes this my first broken heart. Congratulate me! Sarcastic as that last line was, it was a joke. It's nice to know I still have that ability. It's not much but it's something. It's progress. I guess i'll survive this, after all. But god, does this suck. 2
NomiMalone Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 Today, something that I'd purchased online as a gift for him pre break-up arrived in the mail. Obviously, I'm not going to give it to him anymore. It will be placed, unopened, into the box with all the other things of his that I've packed away. This brings me so much sadness, as I'd put so much thought, care and love into acquiring that gift.
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